2oceans Vibe

My iPod has a myriad of songs on it, ranging from the classics to cheesy pop, with an emphasis on Laura Branigan. That was a joke…..in a way. Moving on, I like to cater for all types and there are many CDs ripped onto my iPod that may not be my cup of tea. That said, I did at one stage rip a Gabrielle Greatest Hits CD. I must say, I enjoy her song ‘Dreams’ (can come true…blah blah blah) and it is also essential to have a number of Gabrielle songs for the Gabrielle Brigade (those girls who mention Gabrielle FIRST when asked to name their favourite artists). I used to think they were harmless. That was until I put my iPod on shuffle mode and it stumbled upon the Gabrielle song “When a Woman”.

OH MY GOD !

Does anyone have any clue whatsoever about the messages Gabrielle is sending to women the world over? Listen to this. I was plodding around my pad, doing the usual stuff (probably feeding the Cambodian pre-teens in their cages whilst they churn out flip flops and wooden giraffes to be sold to tourists in Camps Bay) and, I heard the following words coming out of the iPod:

“when a woman wants her man, she’ll catch him any way she can
I’m telling you I got a master plan
I’m gonna get you boy, make you my man”

“She’ll catch him any way she can” is what bothers me there. Gabrielle is breeding psycho’s. She even calls it her “master plan”! Jesus! And then she goes on to threaten that she is “gonna get you boy” and “make you my man”. Jesus, you fucking lunatic! What kind of message is she sending to the women out there? But there’s more! Enjoy this little fantasy she has:

We pull up to a red light
Check the mirror for the last time, I know I’m looking just fine
[ok, give it a break]
And I feel alright, cause I know I’m gonna party tonight, yeah baby
[all seems fine, so far]
(chorus)
Walking through the party
With all my girls behind me
[she's a fucking narcissist - why mention all her girls behind her?]
(yeah)
Suddenly I saw him, my heart it started jumping
[poor guy]
Then he led me to the dance floor, then he held me closely (so closely baby)
[why add in 'so closely baby'? - psycho]
Then he whispered softly, will you be my one and only
My only girl
[what are the chances?!]
(chorus)
When a woman
When a woman
When a woman wants her man

Are you telling me this is not a breeding ground for female psycho stalkers? Gabrielle is sending completely the wrong message. You can imagine them on their beds with their headphones on, singing along to Gabrielle, really LISTENING to Gabrielle. At the end of that song, they actually believe that these things happen! They believe that they can walk into a club and the guy of their dreams will dance with them and ask them to marry them. RIGHT THERE AND THEN!

IT DOESN’T HAPPEN LIKE THAT GIRLS!

GABRIELLE IS IN FUCKING LA-LA-LAND!

Evil High Priest

I’ll tell you what really happened to Gabrielle after the song was finished. The guy took her to the loo at the back of the club and gave her a bloody good bonking. Then he lied to her and said he had to leave because he had to visit his gran in the morning. He gave her a fake phone number and left with his mates to go to Maverick’s strip club where he spent two grand.

Gabrielle cried for the next two weeks and her friends visited her and watched DVD’s and ate chocolates until she turned into a house.

After a month Gabrielle saw our boy walking from his car into a shop. That’s when she turned into a fucking psycho. She wrote “BASTARD” and “PRICK” in colour-fast MAC lipstick all over his car. Then she followed him home and spent the next week sending him threatening letters until he caught her sleeping in a bush outside his house – with mascara running all over her face. That’s when he called the cops and got a restraining order.

That’s what really happened.

Good luck with the next chick that tells you that she LOVES Gabrielle! My advice – get the fuck out of there….. FAST.

Fucking lunatics.