It is with some amusement that I read the words “Private Number” or “Unknown” on my cellphone’s display. The phone is set to ’silent’, returned to it’s previous position and ignored. Unknown numbers will, quite simply, not be answered. Ever. The non-answering of these calls has become something of second nature to me. It’s honestly reached a point that I don’t even know that I’m doing it. Like changing gears in a car. That’s how real the situation is. It’s like the call never occurred.

And let me tell you this as well, secret person, you can ring back as many times as you want and I swear to God nothing is going to change. If you INSIST on using a hidden number then the only form of communication will have to, and can only be in the form of a message. You can choose not to leave a message as many times as you fucking want and you know what? Nothings going to change, Freak Show.

The Maasai people are not scared of
taking calls from Private Numbers

I was chatting to The Lawyer about this and she confessed that she is prone to taking even more extreme measures. She turns on them like an Alsation and presses the red phone instead of the green phone – killing the call – not even letting them get to the voicemail message. She fucking punishes them. Ring-ring… RED PHONE…BANG!…FUCK YOU! Callers are left with the dull pain one feels when a ringing phone sound turns into a busy signal – knowingly dealt by the would-be answerer..

..and then they call again.

“RING-RING”

[RED BUTTON] – BANG! FUCK YOU!

“RING-RI..”

[RED BUTTON] – WHAMMO! FUCK OFF!

“RING”

[RED BUTTON] – BAH! DIE!

“R”

[RED BUTTON] – BANG! And punished!

It’s not to do with being a tit, it’s merely the insane risk of taking a call that just doesn’t fit the current situation. I mean…Jesus…..are you fucking high?

Friends can call and their names will come up and the call could still be ignored. It’s nothing nasty – clearly you’re busy. The beauty of this is they don’t even have to leave a message. They know that the situation wasn’t ideal and they know you’ll probably call them back. And if you don’t, it means you forgot and that they should try again later. There’s no malice involved. So that’s all pretty easy to deal with and understand. But an unknown number could very easily be some cock from FNB telling you that you have been pre-approved for a…. FUCK OFF! Cock!

I can hear some of you whining that your company’s switchboard shows up as a private number and there is nothing you can do about it. Ok. Good. We’ve already covered that. Leave a message.

Ok, so are we clear?

Good.

That’s all I really wanted to say right now.

Good luck with that Private Number of yours. I wish you two all the best.

“I called yesterday but you didn’t answer”

“Did you leave a message”

“No”

“Good”

One of SA’s top recording artists and 2oceansvibe friend, James Stewart, has finally had his moment in the sun with the great man. Increasingly elusive, it seems that stolen moments with the TBG (Tall Blonde Guy) are nothing short of sacred. Some call it the second coming. Some say he is an illusion, a myth. Call it what you want, the man is a gift to us all and we should embrace him – as we see him embracing young James here, below.

Let’s see what James had to say:

James Stewart and The TBG

Hey Seth,

Ok. Let me take a deep breath and start at the beginning…

I invited all my friends to Ignite some time ago to record a live album. We flew the fantastic Tom Fox (guitar player for The Usual & Bright Blue) out from New Zealand where he is hiding now. We also enjoyed the company of Yoyo (bass player The Usual) and Preston Heymann (drummer & percussionist for Eric Clapton, Peter Gabriel,Kate Bush and a host of pasty English bands).

I was in great company – sophisticated, yet rowdy. The weather was perfect. We played two great sets and our sound engineer Richard Black from Street Level Records said it couldn’t have gone any better…..well, bless him – he couldn’t have been further off the mark.

Admittedly by 11.30pm i was swimming like a miggie in a near-exhausted bottle of Famous Grouse. We were having a laugh. The room grew quiet. I looked up. I’ve seen so many pictures and heard so many wondrous accounts of chance (is it really chance?) encounters with the Tall Blonde Guy (TBG) but I immediately ‘understood’……….. there he was – at MY gig!!

“Nice show” he said.

Just those two words. I’ve had compliments from diplomats, CEO’s and captains of the music industry that simply fall away in their emptiness compared to this zen utterance.

Witty, warm, interested…..

The picture, seth, speaks for itself.

I’m a bastard. I said I’d keep the picture to myself as he’s wearied by the public obsession with him. But my ego got the better of me and i just hope The TBG understands that I simply couldn’t resist. I had to let you and your readers know of my blessing.

Thanks, for everything.

James Stewart

Well done, James. You deserve it. One cannot comprehend the magic you must have felt being held so tightly by the Atlantic Icon. Your joy in the photograph is tangible.

Thanks be to the TBG

For the first time this month, we are thankfully graced with a new TBG (Tall Blonde Guy) sighting. This, just sent in by Tracy Mc. Look at the pure joy on her face!

The TBG grants a wish

and heals a sick child across the room with his eyes

Hi Seth,

I was out at Caprice the other evening and immediately saw a group of people gathering around a man whose mere size was enough to make any woman weak at the knees. I was then informed by a girl, (who had just received an autogragh), that this God-like creature was non other than the infamous TBG!! After much pushing and shoving, I managed to get the attention of The TBG and asked him if I could please have my picture taken with him……….he kindly obliged! I have had pic’s taken with many other people, and I must admit, I have never felt an aura as I did with the TBG. You are right Seth when you say that the TBG seems to be paranormal, as my brief experience with him was “out of this world!”

Lots of Love Seth, to you and 2oceansvibe.

XXX

Tracy Mc

Well congratulations, Tracy Mc – what a fabulous TBG sighting! What gets me is the pose the TBG has struck in the photo. He is clearly focusing on something else across the room at the same time. He’s probably healing an injured child at the same time as granting Tracy the moment of a lifetime.

I wouldn’t even TRY to figure out the TBG’s motives, or what he thinks or does. That would be silly. That’s like trying to work out if the internet actually exists.