"Where were you yesterday? I waited an hour for you. I thought we agreed to meet for lunch?"

"Oh, God, yes I totally forgot. Sorry. My bad."

I fucking beg your pardon? YOUR bad? What in God’s name are you talking about? What the fuck is a bad? Is this some sort of experimental social game that we’re playing? Is everyone allocated a certain amount of "bads" per day and have to acknowledge when each one is used up? Are there "goods" as well? Can you rack up goods and use them to cancel out bads? What the muff is going on, man?

You’re not going to get away with cutifying the situation with an Americanism that should stay an Americanism. You missed our lunch which I was going to forgive you for – but now, I’m afraid, we’re never having lunch again – not if you’re going to talk like that. Who are you anyway? Are your parents television sets? Cos that’s what you were clearly raised by. You’re a mini-TV and I’m just going to have to use the mute button on you.

Christ. It was fine to play American-American when we were kids, cos that was just how cops and robbers spoke – but we’re all grown up now, guys.

Can we please act accordingly.

One of the rules that I constantly try and enforce on myself is not to stock up on junk food. If I have the need for chocolate or biltong or sweets of any sort, I am forced to go to the shops and get it. I can’t keep a stock of sweets and only tickle it now and then. I can pretend to, but that only lasts a couple of hours and before I go to bed I would have devoured all of it and found myself positioning mirrors in the hall at the Safe House to get a good view of the TV as I settle into a painful extended stay in the bathroom. (I don’t think that was too graphic? I mean, I didn’t use words like stool or anything).

Another angle to the problem is going to shops for something good (healthy), and being tempted to buy crap at the same time. It’s like running the gauntlet when you’re queuing at Woolies and you find yourself subjected to temptation only Eve could describe. It’s radical – you are surrounded by enough chocolate and sweets to give you full-blown acne and an extra 3 kg’s by sunrise. Sin, sin, sin!

You’ll have your own reasons why you love it, but for me the Wellness Warehouse in Cape Town’s Kloof Lifestyle Centre on Kloof Street is what I call a “safe zone” – you can do what you want, buy what you want and EAT what you want with COMPLETE gay abandon and you won’t hate yourself when you’re done! PERFECT!

I don’t know where to start but this place is a complete mind fuck! It is MASSIVE and basically takes up the whole of the Kloof Lifestyle centre’s top section. It doesn’t end! You walk in and see the usual mainstream convenience products lined-up over several aisles and are impressed by the pharmacy in the other corner – reminding you of of a classic Boots setup – but then you realise that this theme takes up only a QUARTER of the store.

You walk further and discover what-can-only-be-described as four or five other themes. Like you’ve walked into a CENTRE of sorts, with different stores offering different things – all falling under the heading health and wellness. But this is not a centre, my friends, this is ONE FUCKING SHOP! You’ll never want to leave!

One section is dedicated to supplements and complimentary medicine, whilst another offers pilates and sports equipment. You go further into the wonderland of health and notice a plants and flowers section, a book shop focusing on body, mind and soul, a naturopathic dispensary, a spa (full, including hairdressers, massages etc.), standard cosmetics section including the likes of Clarins and Garnier, a section with stuff that is normally hard to get (like Dermalogica), a food market with wide organic choice and even recommended special bed mattresses and shower heads demonstration area! Then, just when you think it’s all over, you collapse in the deli section with full Kauai-type counter with sandwiches, smoothies and everything else you want to gobble up. It is completely out of control!

Just like the question “have you joined facebook” was on everyone’s lips for WAY too long, “have you been to the Wellness Warehouse” is picking up momentum and I SUGGEST you get your answer ready. Go there, and you’ll be pleased you did. You’ll get lost and won’t want to leave. Then you’ll go again. And again. Then you’ll join discussions over dinner asking WHAT we did before the Wellness Warehouse came along. Like HOW did we cope without cellphones? It’s the same thing – but it doesn’t give you radiation burn.

It’s ALL good and it’s something you have never experienced before. It makes the classic South African retail experience look like something out of Tarzan.

You’ll love it! I suggest you get in there quick!

Look at yourself man, you’re a WRECK!!

Can anyone be so incredibly amazing?

Sensing that Cape Town was on a TBG high, The TBG (Tall Blonde Guy) decided to bless other parts of the globe and was reported to be healing the sick and the weak and spreading general beauty and good-vibes in the East! How does this great idol find the time? And what drives him? I think he is nuclear powered, personally. How else can you create raptures of joy around you wherever you go? That’s a silly question because to ask it would be to suggest he is human – which we know he is not. But WHAT is he? A transformer?

Liezel W felt some of that magic, giving us the very first TBG sighting since the return of the demigod. Not only that, THE TBG TOOK THE PICTURE FOR HER! I know, it’s just too much. Listen to what she had to say:

The TBG and Liezel

A day she will never forget

Hi Seth

I’d like to tell you about my Friday night. Tis a date that will forever be etched in my memory.

07.09.07

I cruised into Asoka on Friday night for a friend’s birthday celebrations. Said all my hello’s to my fans and decided to take a nice seat in the corner, not too much attention, yet able to view all the goings on around me. As I put my bag down, I felt this warm gush of wind blow my hair….I turned around. There He was.

The TBG.

A flush came over my body, I immediately grabbed my camera. My fiancé kept asking me, what now? What’s going on? I couldn’t answer. I couldn’t speak. I HAD to get to him. As he gracefully glided through the crowd, I felt myself floating towards him (his energy is very contagious you see)…. I stopped him and barely able to speak, muffled out the words: â€Å“Would you mind if I took a picture with you?” He flashed me that all-knowing smile. â€Å“No problem” he said, and then added: â€Å“Here, let me take it”. He took the camera out of my hands and with a perfectly angled arm….took the snap. Did you get that….HE TOUCHED MY CAMERA.

After that, I couldn’t stop beaming. The feeling of meeting a legacy is just inexplicable. People kept asking me, who? What? Where? How? You can’t explain it can you? Until it’s your turn baby, until it’s your turn.

*sigh*

ciao

Liezel W

Liezel, I think more than anything a BIG THANK YOU for giving us the material and reassuring us and the rest of the continent that our great saviour has returned. And he didn’t even look tired after giving so much of his soul overseas.

Amazing.

Welcome home, TBG.

Is it just me, or does this stuff happen to all of you? It’s like The Truman Show or something. I feel like I’m being hit with these mind-blowing human-interaction incidents WAY too often. Just a couple of weeks ago I received a vision in the form of an angel wearing my orange Polo jersey – but I think that must have been a dream because she seems to have vanished.. I couldn’t imagine things could get more crazy until I found myself driving along the Constantia Uitsig road in Constantia last week..

Up in the distance was a figure. I laughed to myself because from that far away it looked like the guy was carrying a cross of sorts – like a crucifix. IMAGINE! I mused to myself as I drove closer and closer to the guy, slowly realising that what I thought was true.

A vision

"JESUS," I shrieked during a phone call I was conducting with The Hand at the same time.

"What happened," asked The Hand.

"No….nothings HAPPENED, it….it……….it’s JESUS…..I think Jesus is in Constantia! There’s this guy carrying a crucifix down the road! What the fuck is going on here, man?"

"Naah, that guy’s been doing that for years" reacted The Hand, calmly – as he should…….BEING The Hand.

I ended the call and parked on the side of the road ahead of him, waiting for him to get closer to me. I didn’t know what I was going to do with him when he got to me, I’d just have to ride it out and see. Thank GOD I brought my camera. I popped it onto video mode and met the lone crusader – here is the interview:

So there you have it! If you for some incredibly sad bizarre reason are NOT able to see that video, I’ll break it down for you:

Mark, the messenger from God, received a mission from The Lord through prayer. Poor guy! I must say that I count myself quite lucky with the mission I was set – that of keeping you smiling and to rid the world of bad people, idiots and losers. Shame, Mark got one of the more strenuous tasks, I’d say. To build and carry a crucifix on his shoulder! And not only that – I asked what sort of timeframe God was looking at for this particular mission. He said that, although he had been doing it on and off since 1991, this time he was going to continue doing it for "a lifetime."

A LIFETIME!? That is HECTIC BRU!

Bad luck – but good, I suppose. It’s definitely going to keep you from sinning! I mean PHYSICALLY you won’t even be able to get THROUGH the doors at Maverick’s, let alone LUST over Eastern-European tricksters in a haze of liquor, pop music, smoke and sex.

Mark – just chilling..

So he (Mark) said God had a plan for all of us and that everything was happening for a reason. Religious or not, I told him that SOMETHING was definitely going on because I SOMEHOW remembered my camera and therefore had NO option but to put his video on 2oceansvibe – as a gift to the readers. So we kill two birds with one stone; I entertain the readers and Mark gets his message out even further.

Didn’t Noah kill two birds with one stone or something? They fell out the sky and hit a rock and turned into wine I think. You’ll have to look it up – don’t quote me.  

Oh yes! Crack open the shampiz, blow the dust off your shades, rub in the piz and promise not to behave – summer is here my baby and there’s nothing you can do about it!

It’s quite evident that summer has begun

Camps Bay was pretty empty when I found myself tip-toeing onto the beach, scared that a wall of clouds and accompanying rain would appear out of nowhere and gobble me up – sentencing me to a life of darkness living in caves with goths and tree people. But nothing happened. I cracked open my umbrella ella ella and calmly sat down on my towel, retrieving my iPod from the Carlucci’s bag. I pressed play as the little black hard drive selected a song. That was when I new this was the beginning of summer. Out of NOWHERE, my iPod hit me with Long Cool Woman by The Hollies (click that link if you don’t know what I’m talking about). OH MY GOD! I couldn’t believe it. I fired up a tight little joint and took in my surroundings.

Hardly anyone else on the beach……, as I greased myself up and noticed that a glorious foreign woman to my right was clearly convinced that we had a connection. Hey take it easy, baby…it’s gonna be a long summer….

One of our regular topless SMOKING-HOT blonde models left the beach after my first swim and only now am I really thinking about that ass she was throwing around on departure. God, you could crack a coconut on that thing! I think I know a little SOMEBODY who did some WORK during the winter. Good girl, Daddy is pleased.

I smashed a cocktail at Caprice, got back to the Bantry Bay pad (The Safe House is undergoing some alterations. Grrr!) and checked the weather forecast for the rest of the week.

Aaaah, look at that:

Laughable

If the top pic in this article is what they mean when they say "scattered clouds" and "22 degrees" (Monday above) then we’re LAUGHING this summer. Maybe clouds is a new word for ass and they’re referring to sightings of scattered ass everywhere.

Anyway, with the odd suspected drop of tame-rain on the weekend and more sun to follow, I think it’s safe to say it – Welcome to Summer, people.

I’ll show you some scattered clouds RIGHT THERE! Yeah, you like that?

I won’t spend too much time on this ‘cos I’ll get really worked up and I want to save that energy for my story on the Camps Bay Friendly Store and the fact that the manager is without a doubt ACTIVELY trying to murder me (I have proof).

Winex 2007 – Cape Town’s worst event

Can someone tell me what the fuck is going on with the parking at the Cape Town International Conference Centre (CTICC)? I went to attend this year’s Wine Expo (”Winex” – good one) and tried to find a parking spot. Digital signs explained that Parking Area 1 (to the left) was full and a scared little woman was holding a “GO THAT WAY FOR PARKING” sign in her hand with an arrow pointing to the other side of the roundabout which resembled a straight road leading into darkness – like a black hole of sorts.

I had a joint some time before I left The Castle (more about that later) so I drove toward (leaving the ’s’ out is my new vibe) the woman and made sure which way it was pointing. Yup, I must turn right and follow the road that leads to nowhere. There also happened to be no other options, other than turning around. And so on I went, slowly, into the darkness. I looked back and noticed a trail of SIX OTHER CARS following me like lemmings! Christ, it was like the blind leading the blind!

True as God the road just fizzled out and we were in no-man’s land. With cars parked EVERYWHERE, off-road, on pavements, upside-down – it was a mess! The other cars following me turned around and probably went home because there was no-where else to park. I couldn’t understand why there was no parking. I thought this new conference centre was meant to be current and modern and, you know…SENSIBLE at the very least. I don’t know when last I parked that far away for anything. You would have sworn they were having the biggest world event imaginable – I don’t know, like Paris and Britney’s ACTUAL vagina’s on display in a glass box. But no! It was the Winex 2007! It’s not even a national event! Whilst I was very excited to press the “raise suspension” button in my car for the off-road extravaganza, the half a kilometer walk from the car to the entrance left a lot to be desired.

The RMB Winex Wine “festival” turned out to be more of a fuckfest than a festival. Honestly, it was so cuck. We paid R90 each, got a glass to taste wine with and walked into the most lifeless void I have ever encountered.

I know! Let’s take a four-storey hall the size of two rugby fields, put up stands, AND LABEL THEM WITH THE NAMES OF THE DIFFERENT WINE FARMS!!! Then let’s add NOTHING ELSE! AWESOME!

But shouldn’t we add a “vibe” to it? Like make it look cool? Like…hmmm…like WHY DON’T WE HANG SOMETHING FROM THE CEILING??

No!!!! Definitely not. Let’s make this as BLAND as possible!

Honestly, I could have put that thing together with my left ball. It was LITERALLY a circle of stands going the whole way around the room with the names of each wine farm above each stand – with this bizarre four-storey empty space above everything.

Whilst it is not officially billed as a wine and cheese festival, one would expect a cheese section of sorts. There was literally ONE cheese table – OUTSIDE the hall – called “Fairview” cheeses.

“Good heavens!” I exclaimed to the man at the cheese stand. “How the fuck did you manage to pull this off? The fact that you’re the only cheese stand at the ENTIRE expo?”

“Ja but we actually have a wine stand at the expo and our farm makes both cheese and wine.” he explained.

“Bru, Zevenwacht wine makes cheese as well and they’re certainly more well-known than you guys,” I quipped.

“Ja…well….” was all he came up with.

I nodded with a smirk, “Ja, whatever. You know as well as I do that someone MUST have given someone else a blow job SOMEWHERE along the way.”

His jaw dropped and I cackled like the guy that laughs in Michael Jackson’s Thriller as I departed the godforsaken event.

The sushi stand was closed.

It was 19h50 on a friday night.

What a fuck up.

How dare you.