So we found ourselves at the Arniston Spa Hotel this weekend. We weren’t actually staying at the hotel, but rather a mate’s place. Nonetheless, we thought we would enjoy the very sexual vibe at the Arniston Hotel pool.

For the uninformed and those of you who don’t know about the hotel or have never heard of Arniston before, I took the liberty of getting this “excerpt” (oh, excuse me!) for you from the hotel website :

“The Arniston Spa Hotel is set in one of the Cape’s most exquisite locations, next to an old fishing village, surrounded by pristine beaches and nature reserves. The luxurious 4-star Arniston Spa Hotel is internationally known as one of the world’s great getaways. Touched by the spray from the Indian Ocean, we welcome you with panoramic views of the unspoilt ocean and endless beaches. Blessed with an abundance of sea life, the hotel promises delicious oysters from nearby shores and the freshest fish from the local fishing boats.”

Aah – fucking chilled

The “Residents Only” sign didn’t bother us too much as we decided it was for management to protect themselves when getting rid of undesirables. We made ourselves desirable by chilling in the sun and requesting a cocktail menu. It all sort of fell into place as I opened the cocktail menu – the first cocktail my eye caught was the classic…

“Alabama Slammer”

“Christ Almighty,” I exclaimed to The Surfer , who confirmed that it was becoming “all too easy.”

“Have the gentlemen decided what they will be having?” the waiter asked.

“We certainly have, my good man! Why don’t you rack us up two of your tightest Alabama Slammers !” I confirmed.

“Oh very good, sir!” he shrieked, walking away.

I called the waiter back to the table as I asked, “I beg your pardon, what is your name?”

“Jason,” came the reply.

“Great, with a dash of speed please, Jason!”

He clicked his heels and off he went.

The Alabama Slammer
Feel it inside you

It became all too apparent why some folk travel half way across the globe to try the Alabama Slammers at The Arniston Hotel. They were absolutely fucking incredible – an explosion of taste – something out of a porno. We had about five each which, at R42 a glass, gave us the confidence to indulge in the thoroughly sexual swimming pool. The sun was shining down on us as we silently said a prayer of thanks to the God of Cocktails and played a game of Diver Dan.

The rest of the afternoon was a blur and I can’t remember a thing. We weren’t thrown out or anything, but I definitely recall the Alabama Slammers making the world feel like a better place. A softer, more fun place. Like everything was made of marshmallows.

I just wish that you were there so I could stuff marshmallows into your mouth and tickle your bum.

As you yelp with joy..

Maybe next time..

And if you’re there next time without me, just remember that you’d be a FOOL not to dry hump a few of those Alabama Slammers at the pool.

Spread the good word..

CLICK HERE if you want to book a room
at the Arniston Spa Hotel and
try these beauties first hand

Not to be confused with Jack Black, the comedian. This is Jack Black, the beer – named after Jack Black, the 1920’s American outlaw, who came WAY before any other Jack Black that you may know. And I’m pleased to report that Jack Black Premium Classic Beer is out and about in Cape Town.

I was maxin’ and relaxin’ at Caprice the other day and cast my eyes down at the glass beer fridges behind the bar.

“What the fuck is that?” I politely asked.

“That’s Jack Black, a new beer we’re stocking” the barman replied.

“Hmm, grab me one..” I instructed.

Hmm – what have we here…

Crisp, flavoursome and ever so slightly sexual – I proceeded to clean about five of them. I could feel the outlaw in me coming out as I demanded some explanation. From what I can remember, the barman recalled some story about Mr. Jack Black and the fact that he was a master brewer who found himself in a bit of a pickle during the American Prohibition (thank GOD we didn’t have to deal with that). Not that it stopped him – he didn’t give a toss and kept on producing his special brand of beer.

Look, the guy got sentenced to death, but that’s not going to stop us from celebrating his very 2oceansvibe maverick spirit. Jack Black Beer is now being produced in small batches right here in their Western Cape microbrewery. It is thoroughly enjoyable and I suggest you give it a bash.

I checked out their website and it proudly declares:”Jack Black is a premium beer with no compromises, no apologies and no prisoners.” Nice, I like that vibe.

I dug a little deeper and found Jack Black Beer available at ULTRA Liquors in Green Point. Oh very clever! I bought a case and I stocked my fridge. This is what my life looks like at the moment

 

And DRINK!

 

Further research has found Jack Black Beer available at the following outlets:

Retail outlets
ULTRA Liquors – All Western Cape Locations
Diamond Liquors – Green Point
Liquor Ranch (hilarious) – Hout Bay (obviously)
The Bottle Top Liquors – Rondebosch (students will eat this stuff)
Vino Pronto – Gardens (like pronto – like right now – like wine, right now)

Drinking/eating establishments
Caprice – Camps Bay
Bacini’s – Gardens
Bonzai – Green Point
The Bay Hotel – Camps Bay
Fire & Ice – Gardens
Ginja & Shoga – Bo-Kaap
Home Restaurant – Claremont
Home Again Restaurant – Gardens
Katima – Hout Bay (nice!)
La Cucina – Hout Bay (prime TBG sighting turf)
Planet Bay, Mount Nelson – Gardens
Neighbourhoodgoods Market – Old Biscuit Mill
Oblivion – Claremont
Rick’s Cafe – Gardens

You may have noticed that new block to the right of the Vida e block on Somerset Road, Green Point. You may not have noticed our new favourite eatery called “Miss K – Food Cafe” that sprung up out of nowhere. I popped in the other day.

miss k
People who go there get laid more often
than those who don’t.
FACT.

I worked out that the name of the food cafe comes from the name of the delightful owner and chef, Kirsten! Miss K = Kirsten. See what she did there? No? Well, she took the first letter of her name and then…… I’m kidding.

So anyway I cruised in there the other day. It’s so fucking cool. There’s plench outside space and the sun pumps it beautifully, with umbrellas if you need a bit of shade for your pip. There is enough parking for an oil rig so you won’t be a dithering wreck when you walk in. The vibe inside is perfect – clean lines, slick, happy, with skylights. Apart from free standing tables and food display area, I enjoyed the other section set alongside the open kitchen, with a strip of tables and sexual padded seating all along the one wall. Like something you’d fine in New York or something. It’s so fucking cool. It’s like “Hey – I’m eating heeeere!”

Too Cool

So after being blown away to smithereens by service so rarely found in Cape Town (Manna Epicure might want to pop in with pen and paper), I was very pleased with the menu which had everything Daddy Cool wanted. They’ve got a similar (but better) range of chow to Melissa’s with buffet etc., and the bill arrives with one less zero.

I’ve eaten there a couple times now and, besides my daily visit to Vida e next door, this little place is quickly becoming a permanent fixture for me on Somerset Road. The food is quick and so very very tasty – probably tasty enough to please Kirsten’s string of past private contracts for some of planet earth’s most famous sportsmen.

You’ll enjoy it.

Feel the food inside you.

Miss K is open from Tuesday to Sunday.

That’s right – Sunday as well.

Go today.

Go now.

I’m not going to say I’m altogether surprised, but it turns out we have actual proof of some of The TBG’s powers – namely, that he can cure migraines. I’d say that’s pretty much a given – I mean, for someone who is rumoured to have given sight back to the blind and once even turned a white person black.

Let’s see what Liz had to say, as she also gives us a very important tip about meeting the incredible mystery that is The TBG (Tall Blonde Guy).

Hi Seth,

I just knew that this year was the start of something big. I don’t really know how I knew it but I just did. And then in an amazing confirmation of this fact from higher celestial beings I looked up this morning and thought “OMFG, that’s the TBG!” I was standing in La Cucina in Hout Bay at exactly 10:13 am today, when I saw him. His aura, his spirit, his overwhelming presence were just as I expected. I must add that I was not looking my best, something I will regret for the rest of my life. Anyway I rushed up to him and he generously agreed to be photo’ed with me. And then he spoke:”What’s your name?”. I couldn’t believe that he was displaying interest in a mere mortal such as myself. Anyway after I got over the stunning excitement of seeing him I took time to watch him quietly from a distance. He sat alone in La Cucina. Maybe someone joined him after I left, as I wasn’t there for long, but I like to believe he was sitting there alone, regrouping his resources after having spent the night rescuing orphans from a fire.

There are a few points I’d like to make after having encountered him. I suffer from migraines quite often and was getting through one today. Even having only been near him for a mere moment or two, I can witness that my migraine has totally disappeared. Secondly, a lesson to all you folks out there: Never, ever, ever leave home not quite looking your best. You NEVER know when you’ll bump into the TBG!!!!!!

-Liz

Liz, firstly congratulations on being so blessed! You are truly one of the lucky ones. To have left home at the right time (albeit a tad disheveled) that day and to also have a migraine on board of which you were cured, makes for a dramatic TBG sighting. I very much doubt you’ve had a migraine since and would love to have some feedback on that topic.

And thank you for the tip. Indeed, why risk leaving home unkempt? Don’t risk a poor TBG sighting photo. Look good – all the time – you never know.

I would certainly suggest such an encounter to my aunt who has apparently suffered from migraines for years. But I doubt the stars will align in such a rare manner so as to allow her a TBG sighting. Like Santa, the TBG only grants sightings to children who are good.

Like Liz.

God bless you, TBG.