A local company has decided, for one reason or another, to lend me a brand new Audi R8 for a while. The guy called me on Friday and asked if I would mind. I’m usually hesitant to take up these kind of offers, as you don’t know what they want from you in return. But, you know, who gives a toss – it’s an Audi R8. Take it.

 

The Audi R8 – 4.2L V8
Sexy, almost evil

 

I have just this second come back from what seemed like half an hour, but, looking at my watch, I notice it is now earlier than when I left?! It sounds confusing, but you’ll understand once you have a drive in this puppy and become aware that time travel is very much a reality!

Based of the Lamborghini Gallardo platform, (Audi owns Lamborghini) the Audi R8 has just won both the World Performance and World Design titles at the recent 2008 World Car of the Year Awards, laughing at the likes of Maserati, Aston Martin, Mercedes-Benz and the rest of the boys who had to step aside for this beast. At R1.6 million to own, with a top speed of over 300km/h and 315kw stuffed up it’s arse (0-100km/h in 4.5s), this supercar is, quite truly, a fashion/speed/power/sex icon.

 

You want to touch it… hold it.

 

Capetonians are known for being too cool to be caught staring at anything unusual or desirable, preferring to look at the thing or person secretly, and hiding one’s gazes before the other person sees. This is part of the reason why international celebrities love Cape Town, because they think no-one sees them or cares. Oh don’t worry, we see you! We just won’t let you catch us looking. That wouldn’t be cool, maaan..

It is therefore quite something to cruise along the Camps Bay strip witnessing locals and tourists alike openly GAWKING and unashamedly taking out cameras to take pictures. Mind that drool, buddy. This car’s looks ALONE are a complete mind fuck. ESPECIALLY with those very naughty boomerang strips of LED-type lights (always on) along the bottom and sides of the front lights. It looks like some sort of prototype vehicle being developed in conjunction with alien space craft technology.

 

Seth explains to a neighbour that,
whilst her advances have been noted,
and as pathetic as it all may be,
she will simply HAVE to wait in line..

 

It is also an absolute FACT that this car WILL get you chicks. That side of things I don’t necessarily agree with. I do not feel good about myself when I see married women sitting WITH their husbands at Caprice, quite visibly wetting themselves, staring at me with a look that confirms the worst – that they are quite willing to drop their husbands and family for a piece of this package rolling passed them. For a piece of Seth and his rocket. I don’t think that is good and certainly don’t think Audi took it into account when they built this car. We can’t live in a society where cars are being made which render women uncontrollable and void of any inhibitions. Very naughty, Audi. You’re basically home wreckers.

And that’s the MARRIED women! The usual rabble are just completely incorrigible. It’s not even worth a mention.

It’s disgusting.

I can’t get into the car’s performance right now because I want to pose along the strip just one more time before dark. What I can say is I have NEVER in my life ever experienced such speed and handling before. Honestly, I thought I was going to take off. Going down Kloof Road with the roar of the engine right behind my head (visible through the glass covering the back) and a 6-speed gearbox that sucks the gear into the next slot before you get it there, I simply could not shake it. God, that sound, it’s so addictive. I just want more of it. All the time. I want it inside me.

Check out more about the Audi R8 here and below are some of the awards that this thing keeps on winning.

- The R8 was awarded Best Handling Car and Fastest Car In The World of 2007 by Autocar magazine.
- It was awarded SportsCar of the year by German magazine Autobild.
- Playboy Magazine awarded it Car of The Year for 2008.
- The Automobile Journalists Association of Canada (AJAC) named the R8 Canadian Car of the Year, and, in addition, awarded it Best Prestige Car and Most Coveted Car of 2008.
- Top Gear Magazine named the Audi R8 the 2007 Car of the Year.
- Automobile Magazine awarded the R8 the 2008 Automobile of the Year
- The Audi R8 was named 2008 “MSN Car of the Year”, with 42% of the votes, beating the Ferrari 430 into 2nd with 13%, and the BMW M3 into 3rd with 11%.
- In the 2008 World Car of the Year awards, the R8 was awarded World Performance Car of the Year and World Design Car of the Year.
- European Car Magazine rated the R8 as Car of the Year

Aah, It’s gonna be a good week..

So I was at this bar the other night..

Don’t you love that classic male intro? “Yeah, so I’m at this bar the other night..”

Brilliant!

So anyway, I was at this bar the other night ordering a drink. I can’t remember what the drink was (probably French), but this little vixen of a bar lady took my order. She was about to turn around to get the drinks and then, as though the spirit of Don Juan and Casanova took control of my body, I said unto her:

An example of a bar environment

“Sorry, before you get that, what is your name?”

She gave a broad smile, blinked a few times and declared, “Nicola.”

“Aah, yes…Nicola,” I said, quickly followed by the words, “I thought so.”

“You thought so? How did you know” she asked, confused. (bless her)

And this is when it all fell into place in the section of my brain which designs clever little saying and concepts. I pretended that it wasn’t important, and that she had pushed me to explain it to her:

“No, it’s just…. it’s just a friend of mine. A friend of mine said that there was a fucking hot chick working here, with the name Nicola.”

WELL!

When I tell you that the chick melted on the fucking spot I’m not over exaggerating. God, it was disgusting! Drinks were being poured for free! Eyelashes were fluttering! She was drinking secret shooters with me! It was PATHETIC! Within ten minutes the phone number had been written down on a till slip and passed to me via a friend. God, it was like I was the only guy at the bar. I really killed it. It was mass murder. Seriously. Napalm.

You see it’s very confusing for the angel to get her head around it all. Because the second section of the pickup line wouldn’t have come along if she hadn’t asked “why.” And she ignores the fact that it’s close to impossible for any human being to not ask why. So in her cute little butterfly-ridden angel brain, it couldn’t have been planned. SHE prompted the grand finale. He CAN’T be a player. Oh my God, this guy is a KEEPER!

She’ll be on the phone to her mother and practicing her signature with your surname before dawn.

It was very naughty of me to come up with such a perfect pickup routine but, as you know, I can’t help myself – I just want you to be the best you can be. It’s all for you.

Take it.

ENJOY it.

What began as a let down, turned into the greatest day ever – Lucky girl!

Now these are the stories that really warm my heart. The TBG (Tall Blonde Guy), once again, turning sad people into happy people. The sea of smiles that he leaves in his wake can only be compared to Moses and the little number he pulled when he parted the Red Sea.

The setting for this incredible sighting is the My Cokefest concert held in Kenilworth last week. Not surprising the TBG was there, he is often spotted supporting The Dirty Skirts.

Listen to this story and feel the goose bumps!

Axl Who?

Hey Seth,

1 May was the best day of my life. I worked in the bar at the mycokefest and was minding my customers when suddenly a god stepped into the bar area. My heart started beating faster and everything fell silent as I saw my tall blonde hero gliding towards the bar, his feet barely touching the ground because of his awesomeness. One of the other bargirls attempted to serve him but I couldn’t allow it, so I pushed her out of the way and took my place at the bar in front of this magnificent creature – this was not a chance I was about to give up. I was in his service. He could ask me for anything. I served him his drink (which I poured extra full, he deserves only the best) and then he gave me R5 tip. R5 from the tbg. R5 which I did not put into the tip jar as we are supposed to – there is no way that anyone is laying their hands on my TBG tip.

It was truly an amazing experience. It was like things just fell into place – I actually had a ticket for the coke fest but cancelled it because guns&roses decided not to come, so I got the job instead and you know what Seth, it was meant to be. Fuck Axl Rose, who would want to see him if they could see the TBG instead?

Know what I mean?

Danielle M

Hah! You bet I do, Danielle!

And who would have thought that the let down of one of your heroes not playing at mycokefest would be replaced by AN EVEN BIGGER HERO!! It’s one of those stories that should be made into a movie.

Well done, my angel, you must be struggling to wipe that smile off your face!

I went to test drive a bottle of rosé at Caprice this evening. I was expecting something special but, instead, I got the view you see below. I have always been careful not to punish the ill-informed – but then there is another, rather prominent side of me that wants to punish those who suffer from ill-logic. Take for example my friend here – Mr. Four by Four.

Sigh. …Shame….

Above waist height – an absolute NO-NO in front of Caprice

Now, it doesn’t take a genius to work out that a 4X4 vehicle can very easily get in the way. Those familiar with the Caprice layout (in Camps Bay, Cape Town – with respect to our readers from Pluto) will agree that there is a very clear line of sight when in and outside of Caprice. Regulars will be aware that there is a handicap parking zone directly outside the entrance with a legal parking spot just next to it – stretching to the corner of the curb. Whilst some people do make the error of parking in the handicap zone (we can do nothing about these people – they come from another breeding pool), there are others who believe that the other (legal) parking place (directly in front of Cappers) is fine. Let me take this opportunity to inform you that IT IS NOT, just, FINE. How can you POSSIBLY not realise that your mammoth, long-wheel-base-man-car might be ruining MANY people’s afternoons/evenings? Were you HONESTLY unaware? Are you kidding? How is that possible? I drive a fairly decent semi-sporty two door car and I can confidently declare that I have never parked in that particular spot !!!! In a two door – Let alone a moon vehicle!

To clear everything up (before I COMPLETELY lose my mind), whilst I may come across as materialistic and pretentious, it is an unspoken rule that this spot is only to be used by Ferrari’s and Lamborghini’s. These two brands of car, whilst hot and slick and pretty, just HAPPEN to be of average waist height – thus conducive to sunsets and views at Caprice – something which MR FOUR BY FUCKING FOUR SEEMED TO HAVE NEGLECTED TO REALISE. (That’s right, investing in a Ferrari gets you the coke-whore AND the cool parking spot – everyone’s a winner!)

So before everybody thinks it is COOL to park in front of Caprice…..it is NOT COOL AT ALL. But it is FINE in a Ferrari or a Lamborghini – PURELY BECAUSE OF THE VIEW. – Don’t get confused… and don’t be an idiot.
GOSH!

You IDIOT !!!!!

We’ve seen a number of embarrassing moments at Caprice, when it comes to the yellow-marked handicapped zone in front of the main entrance. My personal favourite being the time a troop of slicksters emerged from a brand spanking new black Mercedes-Benz. The driver was stopped by another patron as they made their way into the cafe/bar.

“Awesome car!” the patron commented to the leader of the group.

“Hey thanks man!” gave the illegally parked driver.

“Oh, one more thing… which one of you are handicapped?”

It was too emboerrissing for words, with a number of muffled guffaws from other tables – a result of the alarming levels of sophistication currently on display. Proof that money can’t buy class.

Whilst I certainly might be a candidate to buy a Lamborghini at some stage of the game, I will probably take care of where I park. People look at Lamborghinis ALL the time, whether they are driving passed or parking. Thus making it the most unsubtle car to illegally park in a handicapped zone. Especially at the entrance of a landmark restaurant in the absolute hotspot of one of the planet’s most desired cities.

The handicapped zone
A test of ignorance

The driver was warned by a Caprice staff member and he confirmed that he wouldn’t be staying long.

Shame, not two minutes later a lawman arrived, as our boy proceeded to argue the case in front of everyone and had to standby as the cop wrote out a ticket and ordered him to remove the car. It was like a scripted life lesson video – the kind you’d show to a group of kids as an example of karma and how to behave, socially.

* sigh*

I’ve had a Personal Assistant for as long as I can remember. They get switched every now and then – but they are always there. You’ll remember I was recently advertising for a new P.A. – well I found one and she has become The P.A. on the 2oceansvibe Characters page. She replaces the old P.A. who has jetted off to London and has now become The Character Formerly Known As The P.A.

All of that said, I have noticed that not everyone has a P.A. That is very unfortunate. People will often come up to me and ask if I think they should get a P.A. I always say yes – P.A.’s are worth their weight in saffron. But some people aren’t quite ready to make the jump – they’re worried that they “might not be able to justify it.” They don’t know if they will have enough things for their P.A. to do.

Fair enough.

Enter My Life Organised:

http://www.mylifeorganised.co.za/

Check this out:

“My Life Organised is your ultimate in premier lifestyle management – your second pair of hands, your own personal PA – to get those jobs done and those lists ticked off. Ultimately our tailor made packages, for all walks of life, give you the time to do the things you love and not the chores you hate, and eventually regain the time and freedom to focus on living your life list free.

We stop at nothing. My Life Organised can drop your pet at the vet for her check up, pop into Woolies for the forgotten groceries, gather quotes for that long awaited alarm installation, stand in line for your passport application, meet the plumber at midday as your dishwasher has exploded once again – we can fax, send, phone, research, find, quote, arrange, meet, collect and deliver – you name it and we’ll organise it…”
That’s what I’m talking about!

Although I already have a P.A., I am AWFULLY busy and thought I would test having another freelance P.A. So I commissioned My Life Organised to take care of some odds and ends for me. Funnily enough the one job was to wait for the plumber as the dishwasher had vomited on itself in The Safe House. I tested them to see if they could do two things at once and asked for my fridge to be stocked, as well as for fresh flowers to be positioned in the lounge.

All done! Perfectly!

Bloody impressive and everything itemised and billed for correctly on a stunning little email!

I didn’t use them again because The P.A. was getting a little miffed at the idea. But, for those of you who can’t seem to get it all done, do yourselves a favour and get in touch with www.mylifeorganised.co.za