The new face of Playboy, Ashley Dorenzo, will see us out of 2008. A big thank you goes out to Ash and the team for making this possible.

Click for NSFW image:

CLICK HERE for NSFW image

Thanks for that.

And on we go…

Personally I have made no plans yet for New Year. If I was in Cape Town then it would definitely be either Caprice or The Mount Nelson. But I’m in Hermanus and everyone is looking at each other for answers. That includes the two youngsters who were a tad premature with their New Year celebrations and chartered their Golf into a ditch last night, making for some awesome morning-swim viewing. This was our treat this morning as we refreshed our souls at Langbaai.

Good Times..

Nice – good work! And so, as we continue our search for a New Year’s bash of sorts, I thought we could browse over the five types of New Year’s eve parties that could be had. As told by Gawker.com:

Party Type 1: Oh, This Is Nice
You usually end up at this party after Tanya can’t come into town after all and cancels or you were just too darn busy to make good plans, real plans, ahead of time. So you put on a sweater you got for Christmas or the cocktail dress you bought for Debbie’s engagement party that you never wore again, and drag some poor unwitting sap of a friend to the party where you don’t really know anyone. It’s super awkward at first and you just stand by the cheese and crackers, nodding your head to the music, furtively gulping room-temperature chardonnay and furiously wishing for midnight. That way you can hug and kiss the host—she’s Tom’s friend from work—on the cheek and be on your merry way. What you forget, of course, is that everyone at this party is awkward, and everyone is furtively gulping booze so round about 11:15 er’body’s crunk and having deep, sloshy meaningful conversations with each other and your friend is making out with some dude in the hallway and it’s sort of the best-slash-worst party you’ve ever been to. See, the key is to not expect much from New Year’s eve. Then it has potential to be great fun. Until you wake up the next morning and you vaguely remember telling that cute guy with the glasses about the time you peed your pants on the R train and you might have cried at one point and oh god you can never, ever see any of those people ever again.

Party Type 2: There’s a Place Just a Few Blocks Up
Another product of poor planning. You’ve cobbled together a group of friends, some are visiting from out of town!, and you’re psyched and ready to go except no one made dinner reservations and oh fuck aren’t you supposed to like pay a hundred bucks to get inside a bar and stay there all night or something? No worries. There’s this Italian place on 7th that’s always empty and maybe that bar we went to that time won’t be so full. What you end up doing is eating a hasty, bad, too-expensive meal then trudging from bar to bar to bar because everything is too crowded. You’re blessed with one friend who keeps complaining that you guys are walking too fast and her shoes are killing her and another who is suspiciously shitfaced. (The culprit is later revealed to be a well-hidden flask). Then everyone gets mad and starts snapping at each other and someone finally yells “I just want to be somewhere, anywhere inside, at midnight. Not wandering around on the street.” So you go to the worst, first bar you can find and have a couple beers and hug meekly at twelve then drink some more, and then the secret ninja drunk is trying to coax a stranger at the bar to do untoward things so it’s time to take them home and who’s going where and let’s split cabs maybe? No? OK, fine. Good night. Let’s actually make a plan next year, and ugh. You hate New Year’s. It’s never what you want it to be.

Party Type 3: At the Clurrrrrb
You paid $150 for an unlimited fount (if you can ever actually get to the bar) of watered-down well vodka and sodas! There are swirling lights and meaty guys with shimmer-shirts fist pumping and yelling “you my boy!” or “Ima wreck you, son!” and zomg, Kim Kardashian or someone is hosting! These are the worst kind of New Year’s Eve parties, in my opinion, because you’re trapped in a terrible place with terrible people but you spent all this money and what else would you be doing anyway? (see above) The celebrity-hosted ones (though they may be in short supply this year) are the worst because they’re getting paid a ton to be there and act like they’re having fun, while you are paying a ton to be there and act like you’re having fun. Will you be enjoying New Year’s Eve this year at Marquee in New York City? The celebrity emcee is none other than Dancing With the Stars runner-up and Wedding in Las Vegas megastar Mario Lopez. Your straight boyfriend will just love that, won’t he. Disco dancin’ while some half-a-fag Carebear stares his dimples at all the ladays. Enjoy it.

Party Type 4: Oh, We Went to Bed at 11
This is mostly your parents. Or it was mostly your parents and, shriek!, now it’s you. You are tired and who wants to spend the money anyway. You put the bottle of champagne that someone brought over for a party months ago into the freezer and sit on the couch watching Father of the Bride: Part II, flicking back occasionally to the Dick Clark/Ryan Seacrest annual Times Square is a Miserable Shithole Rockin’ Eve and vow to stay up and watch the ball drop and call your friends (or kids) who are out enjoying themselves. Maybe you’re with one other person, I dunno. What ends up happening is that you fall asleep on the couch, snore through midnight, wake up with a start at 1:15, turn off the TV (which is now showing a M*A*S*H rerun), and shuffle off to bed. The next day you’ll spend some time cleaning the broken champagne bottle glass out of the freezer then walking around the corner to get a bagel. It’ll be like the opening in Shaun of the Dead when he doesn’t realize everyone else is zombies. An empty, slightly destroyed cityscape and just you alone, strolling along. Because you didn’t go out last night. And you’re not sure if you’re sad about it.

Party Type 5: Auld Lang Syne
And then sometimes it just works out. Your house party is awesome and everyone comes and has a great time. Or it was just the perfect bar. Or the couch was just fine and you (and, if you’re lucky, someone special) curled up and enjoyed being home. And then at midnight everyone around you felt very close by, and those who couldn’t make it felt very far away, and you smiled and hugged and maybe sang and just gushed about how wonderful New Year’s is, really how wonderful. When else throughout the year, throughout life, do we ever all gather to celebrate the passing of time, rather than mourn it? It’s a good, ancient thing. And something we should do more often.

And there you have it. From where I’m sitting I reckon Party Type number 2 is threatening..

By the way, here are the words to Auld Lang Syne. I must say, I had no idea about the other verses.

AULD LANG SYNE

Words adapated from a traditional song
by Rabbie Burns (1759-96)

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And auld lang syne?

CHORUS:
For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne,
We’ll tak a cup of kindness yet,
For auld lang syne!

And surely ye’ll be your pint-stowp,
And surely I’ll be mine,
And we’ll tak a cup o kindness yet,
For auld lang syne!

We twa hae run about the braes,
And pou’d the gowans fine,
But we’ve wander’d monie a weary fit,
Sin auld lang syne.

We twa hae paidl’d in the burn
Frae morning sun till dine,
But seas between us braid hae roar’d
Sin auld lang syne.

And there’s a hand my trusty fiere,
And gie’s a hand o thine,
And we’ll tak a right guid-willie waught,
For auld lang syne

Sick!

God, it’s all just so “festive,” isn’t it? People just LOVE throwing around the word “festive.” And then they frill it up a little more with the word “cheer.” Oh, there is just so much FESTIVE CHEER abound, don’t you think?

I looked up festive in this book I wrote ages ago entitled “The Dictionary” and the definition is “merry; joyous.”

My goodness, it’s all a bit much. Festive, cheer, merry, joyous – just throw in the word “tidings” and you’re A for Away.

Like this young lady:

Tidings of festive merry joyous cheer.

I’m up the road in Hermanus at the moment, away from the absolute mayhem that must be the Atlantic Seaboard at the moment. I believe Caprice was totally mental last night and the angel count is through the roof. The same can apparently be said for the Jo’burg contingent who have adorned our shores (welcome, friends) vests-et-al.

We popped into Shimmi’s in Hermanus a couple nights ago and that was pretty manic. I must say I was slightly taken aback when 5 machine-gun wielding police entered the establishment in what looked like riot gear.

“Jeez!” I said to the guy, “are you guys sweeping the place for bombs or drugs?”

“No,” said the officer, “we’re checking for ID’s”

Checking for ID’s!? Jesus, that’s a pretty serious way to go about it. Can you imagine the size of the stool in the poor 16 year old’s pants at the far end of the room when he sees the S.W.A.T. team arrive? Hectique!

The night went by and at 3am (when the place closed) we joked with the very same cops if they could give us a lift back to the house.

“No, problem – get in the car.”

“That’s bloody decent of them,” we agreed.

We got in the Golf GTi flying squad vehicle and, as we were heading out of (what can only be described as) the Hermanus CBD, The Insurance Guy asked the driver if they had been having a good evening.

That was when the guy changed down a gear and absolutely fucking floored it, shutting all of us up. We weren’t sure if we were going to jail or heading towards some kind of raping situation. Luckily the guy was actually taking us home, but just thought that it would be fun to take the Hermanus circle at 140 km/h.

No spice.

Other than that I thought I would give you a little video. With so much cheer in the air there will no doubt be some dancing to be had as we bring in the New Year.

This, The Evolution of Dance:

I’m fine with that.

Catch you later.

I tell you, it’s been a few years since I did New Year at The Mount Nelson. The last time was a bit of a blur but, funnily enough, it came up in conversation this week. The Fabrics Guy and I agreed that the last one got a full 10 out of 10, I asked the good people at the “The Nellie” to send me through a breakdown of any events they had planned. They did. My God! It’s a FEAST of excitement!

“The Pink Lady” let’s her hair down for New Year’s

Very much in tune with their continued alignment with the younger hipper population, the one that caught my eye was the New Year’s Bash in The Ballroom. Now, whilst The Mount Nelson and The Ballroom might lend itself to something overly grand, you can be sure that the theme of “Funky Old School” and “Smart Elegant” dress will ensure an evening that is anything but! No doubt lavish (as only The Mount Nelson knows), the reassuring price tag also suggests that no stone has been left unturned!

Entertainment includes Musician / DJ Jacques Lagesse and things kick off at 19:00 / 19:30 on December 31. The menu is nothing short of SUMPTUOUS and the price is R1,250.

They have two other New Year events with alternate pricing plans, including one in the Cape Colony (R1,650, formal, with four piece band) and one in The Oasis Restaurant (R295 / R125 for kids with extensive New Year’s eve buffet).

For reservations please call 021 483 1948 or email restaurantreservations@mountnelson.co.za

The Personal Jukebox spotted this lovely scene at McDonald’s in Canal Walk.

THE WORLD CUP STARTS IN LESS THAN TWO MONTHS!

Not only can you feel like a supermodel when you shop at Canal Walk, but you can experience time travel at the same time!

You never have to leave!

All you really need to know is that Doutzen Kroes is another one of the Victoria’s Secret models that blessed us in the past by revealing their true self. There is not too much info on our girl on the net, as to her background, other than her being Dutch. – a fact that may well appeal to a handful of our local population. And anyway, like reading palms, you can gauge a lot just by looking at this pic.

If I may:

(click pic for NSFW image)

Click here for NSFW image

Ja, ok, so there you have it. Clearly Doutzen has had some experience in the dental profession. It just shows how important it is to get your pearly whites checked out from time to time.

“The Doctor just had to make a phone call, do you mind if I give you a filling?”

Naughty..

Matt O drew my attention to this ad on Gumtree, advertising the following numberplate.

Personalised number plate!

LUV KIDS-WP

Price Neg.

Much sought after plate..

I don’t know how “highly sought after” a numberplate like that is. I mean, if it was owned by a baby sitting/nanny service, like www.childminders.co.za, then I don’t have a problem with it. But, other than that, I can’t imagine it being “highly sought after.”

I mean, what if you saw this guy driving a car with a LUV KIDS plate on the back?

This guy ADORES kids!

Exactly.

The numberplate is NOT highly sought after. Only a company like Childminders could use it. NO-ONE else could use it.

FACT.

Given his history of banging their staff, it is kind of expected that Victoria Beckham pulled the plug on a planned hour long interview upon arrival in Milan this week. Especially after she did a spot of Googling with regards to the interviewer.

These pictures were probably very similar to the pics she found.

Ilaria D’Amico is smoking hot!

Ilaria D’Amico was set to do the David Beckham interview
Fair enough.. I see Victoria’s side.

This, from The Sun:

A STUNNING Italian TV presenter who likes to wear revealing outfits has bagged the first TV interview with DAVID BECKHAM when he flies into Milan today — sending, it is reported, wife POSH into a furious rage.

Sources in Italy claimed jealous Victoria was so angry she pulled the plug on the special hour-long chat between sexy brunette Ilaria D’Amico and the former England skipper who is preparing to join European giants AC Milan.

After a day of confusion, TV bosses finally revealed that the Beckham Show would go ahead — but last for only 15 minutes.

Sources explained the format had been changed “at the request of the Beckham camp” and after Posh “researched Ilaria on the internet”.

Later though a spokesman for Posh and Becks dismissed that as “nonsense” and insisted the interview would go ahead as planned.

The Beckham clan — complete with kids Brooklyn, Romeo and Cruz — will fly into Milan today.

Becks is on loan from LA Galaxy and can play up to ten Serie A matches and two UEFA games during his three-month stint with the Italian giants.

Club shirts with his name on the back were selling briskly yesterday ahead of his arrival.

Advertisement

Becks is said to have been given the £1,000-a-night Penthouse suite of the Chedi Hotel, close to the club’s famous San Siro stadium.

Earlier this month Ilaria became a national heroine after urging Italians to boycott a 20 per cent satellite TV tax.

I honestly don’t blame Posh. I mean Rebecca Loos was about half as hot as this chick and Dave gave her one anyway. I wouldn’t risk it. I’ve done TV. I know the drill. There are little make-up rooms and Green Rooms and “storage cupboards” EVERYWHERE. He could have nailed her between questions and no-one would have seen a thing.

Beckham is quick, my friends. Remember that.

BANG!

Done!

Overs!

No-one saw a thing..

Miss Russia, Kseniya Sukhinova, opted against moving to Cape Town and working at Mavericks, and has now become Miss World.

I very much doubt it pays as well.

Miss India, Miss Russia and Miss Trinidad & Tobago

Jeepers, Miss Trinidad & Tobago is throwing QUITE a vibe there.

Read more here, if your levels of boredom have reached their zenith.

And if you’re interested in becoming Miss 2oceansvibe 2009, send in your pics to editor@2oceansvibe.com. The competition will run next year with the winner receiving over R10,000 in prizes.

[thanks andrew]

Paris Hilton has finally fulfilled her childhood dream of owning a car like the children’s toy doll, Barbie.

Stunning.

I had the same dream when it came to Noddy’s car that he used to drive. But then the shit hit the fan when his African friend, Golliwog, had to change his name, with regulators citing racism. Which is weird, because I call all my African friends Golliwog, and they LOVE it!

Seriously, try it out. It just seems to open doors.

I just didn’t want to get dragged into the mess, so I pretended not to covet Noddy’s wheels. Not that he should have had such sweet wheels in the first place. Noddy is like the most untrustworthy little creep you have ever come across. He seems sweet on TV, but apparently, behind the scenes, he is an A-class prick.

So anyway, check out Hilts and her ridiculous new ride.

I’m not sure what Ken will think of all this..

Those mags are, what we in the industry refer to, as “ridiculous”

I think I know a happy little giiiiirl!

Paris Hilton’s customized Pink Bentley has arrived.

The hotel
heiress recently received delivery of the car – a Christmas
present to herself worth an estimated $200,000 – fulfilling a childhood
fantasy of owning a vehicle like children’s toy doll Barbie.

She said: “I’ve just always wanted a pink car. I think when you’re a little
girl and you have the Barbie corvette you’re always like, ‘Oh I wish I had a
car like this one day’, so I think it just comes from being a fan of Barbie
for so long.

“This is a car that I cannot drive every single day but I will be driving a
lot. They put on protective tint on the windows so no paparazzi flashes can
come through.”

The conversion was done by West Coast Customs, which you’ve probably seen on TV. To give you an idea of how good they are, take the entire staff, systems and workshop of Land Rover in Cape Town, blow it all up and start from scratch, being careful not to hire morons. I would suggest you then take all the new staff and take them on a SERVICE workshop, where they will learn basic skills, like remembering to do the work they were asked to do and returning phone calls.

CLICK HERE to watch Noddy take a ride in his car – gangsta style..

As the urge for men in their 20’s and 30’s to wear formal hats increases, so too does the confusion over which hat is which. In particular, the trilby versus the fedora.

Davidoff (The Rocker), from The Dirty Skirts, for example, calls any old hat a trilby. Because he LIKES saying it. It makes him feel sexy. And clever. He wants you to know that he is aware of and uses the word often in his everyday speech. When, in fact, he is completely off the mark. With the split between trilby’s and fedora’s in young “hip” Cape Town looking at around 50/50, at least he only looks like a doos half the time. Given the company he keeps, you could take that down to 25%, due to general ignorance.

Nasty? Definitely.

Necessary? Always.

So anyway, let’s check it out.

THE TRILBY

Your basic trilby

I gleaned this information from a website I’m about to launch, called “Wikipedia” – I think it’s got legs..

A trilby hat (or simply trilby, originally Trilby hat) is a soft felt men’s hat with a narrow brim, a deeply indented crown, and a pinch at the front. Traditionally it was made from rabbit hair felt, but is now sometimes made from other materials, including tweed and wool. Trilbies are softer than Homburgs, and have a flexible brim instead of a curved one. They are similar to fedoras, which have a wider brim and are mainly an American hat. The hat’s name derives from a play based on George du Maurier’s 1894 novel Trilby, and one was worn in the first London production of the stage adaptation.

Hmm, very interesting. And I’ll tell you something even more interesting, or, rather, coincidental; and that is the fact that I actually played Svangali in that very production.

That last sentence was a CLASSIC example of, what we call, a “blatant lie.” I don’t do that very often, but I tell you what, the RUSH is awesome!

Now let’s check out a very good friend of mine:

THE FEDORA

My fedora. Signed by Michael Jackson.
I was one of the dancers in the Smooth Criminal music video.
Again, that last statement was complete fabrication.
Seriously, the hat is not even mine.

Ok, a fedora is a soft felt hat that is creased lengthwise down the crown and pinched in the front on both sides. Similar hats with a C-crown (with an indentation for the head in the top of the crown) are occasionally called fedoras. The brim goes all the way around, and often there will be a hat band as well. A trilby hat is somewhat similar to a fedora, but typically has a shorter brim, and the back of the brim is distinctively more sharply upturned as a result.

Right, so there you have it. Are we going to be cool about this now? Please, we can’t have any more fuckups. It JUST CAN’T HAPPEN!

Not at this level..

Fresh from not inviting me to his birthday party, Goldfish’s Dom sent this in, which earns him minimal points as he begins the mammoth climb back into the good books.

You would have caught the various attacks along the Atlantic Seaboard, with regards to cyclists entering and dining in restaurants and eateries with their helmets on. With no obvious MO other than to annoy, these assailants should possibly look at this latest bit of gear, which could possibly add some coolness to their otherwise preposterous outfits.

I give you… the Yakkay helmet.

Dave spotted on Wired, and this is the low down:

The Yakkay helmet..
www.yakkay.com

 

No Dorky Dome, This Bike Helmet Goes From Glam to Gilligan

Bike helmets are crucial for keeping your skull safe, but face it — they make you look like a total dweeb. Danish lidmaker Yakkay has developed an innovative system that protects your head and your ego. The adjustable helmet comes with a series of inserts for a close fit that still lets cooling breezes through. But the real draw is the fabric overlay that transforms the usual dorky dome into a fetching hat. There are four styles, ranging from glamorista to Gilligan. A stainless-steel buckle adds some urban edge.

[more here]

That’s what I’m fucking talking about. That’s what I would wear, you know, if I was a freak.

That’s a trilby, by the way, not a fedora. But we’ll be chatting about that later..

This is why I prefer to shop at Woolworths. Organic mature cheddar (my choice) vs. Parmalat Yumchum Ass.

I’ve never seen a Yumchum, let alone a Yumchum’s ass.

Is it like a Bum Chum?

Some, err, ASS for you, Sir?

Tsk tsk. Naughty.

[thanks zone]

This video has been voted the number one video for 2008 on the internet by a number of publications. Not least of which is Time Magazine. Not that a magazine about clocks should carry any clout. But they do anyway, somehow..

The video has been seen over 17 million times and is the brief story about a lion cub that was raised in the UK and became too big to keep at home (it happens). They sent it to the wild where it grew into a proper massive Simba-like lion.

Many years later they returned to visit the lion and were told not to go near it as it was compeltely wild and there would be no way it would remember the humans.

Check it out..

CLICK HERE if that don’t play

Is that not just one of the most beautiful things you’ve ever seen?

I actually felt like a good cry.

Let’s make love.

The sax solo was basically my idea.

Never Tear Us Apart
by INXS

Dont ask me
What you know is true
Dont have to tell you
I love your precious heart
I
I was standing
You were there
Two worlds collided
And they could never tear us apart

We could live
For a thousand years
But if I hurt you
Id make wine from your tears

I told you
That we could fly
cause we all have wings
But some of us dont know why

I
I was standing
You were there
Two worlds collided
And they could never ever tear us apart

Barack Obama has joined the likes of Vladimir Putin and Bono , in becoming this year’s Time Magazine Person of the Year. I said that first sentence with a straight face, but the reality is that I nearly shat myself when I read the name Bono. I’m very pleased I missed that announcement, that year. Who’s next? Bob Geldof? He spends so much time caring for those in need, he has forgotten about himself. God, he looks in a worse state than they do!

This, from AFP:

STOP! Obama Time!

WASHINGTON (AFP) — Time magazine on Wednesday named US president-elect Barack Obama its 2008 “Person of the Year.”

“For having the confidence to sketch an ambitious future in a gloomy hour, and for showing the competence that makes Americans hopeful he might pull it off, the president-elect is TIME’s Person of the Year,” the newsweekly said.

It said US Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson was first runner-up followed by French President Nicolas Sarkozy, Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin and China’s Zhang Yimou, who directed the opening and closing ceremonies of the 2008 Summer Olympics in Beijing.

Time said its “Person of the Year” selection was the “person or persons who most affected the news and our lives, for good or ill, and embodied what was important about the year.”

The magazine last year selected Russian leader Vladimir Putin as its 2007 “Person of the Year.”

In an interview with Time, Obama said that while he may have won a “decisive victory” over Republican John McCain in the November presidential election, “I don’t think that Americans want hubris from their next president.

“I do think we received a strong mandate for change,” he added in the December 5 interview.

Asked about the state of the economy, Obama said “I think we should anticipate that 2009 is going to be a tough year.

“And if we make some good choices, I’m confident that we can limit some of the damage in 2009 and that in 2010 we can start seeing an upward trajectory on the economy. “But this is a difficult hole that we’ve dug ourselves into.”

On his foreign policy priorities, Obama said “there’s no doubt that managing the transition in Iraq is going to be a top priority. Managing a more effective strategy in Afghanistan will be a top priority.

[read more here]

I’ve given myself three years to become Time’s Person of the Year. I just need to show everyone that I can make a CHANGE.

Even though, us with most things, my dancing style will probably be the clincher..

Amazing – remember a couple of years back when Kate Moss was caught snorting cocaine and everyone said that she was finished. There were stacks of labels and high-end beauty products cancelling their deals with her, embarrassed by the association.

Hmm, kyk how lyk hy nou!

Kate Moss has apparently re-signed her deal with Topshop for a reported $6.1 million a year for three years.

The Telegraph reports:

Kate Moss
sells

This morning Kate Moss signed up for another three years at Topshop, where she plans to add new lines of lingerie and accessories to her forthcoming collections…

Kate Moss is continuing her reign as the high street’s style-queen.

The money-spinning supermodel has signed on for a further three years with Topshop, it was announced this morning, and is planning to add new collections of lingerie and accessories.

Moss, 34, originally sealed her design collaboration with Topshop in September 2005, in a deal reportedly worth £4 million a year.

Since May 1st 2007, the high street chain has launched eight best-selling collections under the Kate Moss for Topshop label, available in 22 countries worldwide and also in Australia, Europe and the United States via topshop.com.

Moss’s new spring 2009 collection will go on sale in March next year and will also be available at the launch of the Topshop/Topman flagship store in New York’s Soho district, scheduled for that month.

“I believe this has been a great partnership for both TOPSHOP and Kate. Having had two years experience, I am confident that Kate’s collection now has the potential to become a significant global brand within TOPSHOP,” said Sir Philip Green, owner of Arcadia Group of which Topshop is part.

“The last two years have been an exciting experience,” Kate Moss said. “Topshop has given me the perfect platform to develop my own collection, which is something that I have wanted to do for a long time. I am really looking forward to working with the Topshop team on our new collections and thank everybody who already owns a piece of Kate Moss for Topshop!”

Quite mean.

We’ll see similar things here… when I launch the “Rothers” range of incredibly cool mens fitted clothing.