2oceans Vibe

Austin Powers and Dr. Evil are the same person, Mike Myers. No, not the psychotic serial killer from Halloween that just won’t die, the guy from Wayne’s World… Wayne. (GET ON WITH IT!) Yes… quite, well The Boat That Rocked is British – you may think it’s American, but it’s not – it hasn’t even been released there yet!

Other than that, it’s exactly like GOOOOOOD MORRRRRNING VIETNAMMM, but with 7 extra DJs, a boat shaped like a ship, ’60s fashion, gorgeous women, more narcotics, soap-on-a-rope, no imminent threat of war and big black round things called ‘records’. In fact, it’s so much like Good Morning, Vietnam that they called it Good Morning England… get this, in France.

Catch the rest of the review and the trailer after the jump…

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You’ll recall with tears in your eyes the 2nd Neighbourhood Rock/Paper/Scissors Grand National which took place a couple months ago at Neighbourhood bar on Long Street. Ja, well it looks like the organisers have finally surfaced from the tequila haze and have produced a highlights video from the event.

They’re taking it national (properly) soon and want to get a South African champ to send to the World Series next year. No, I’m not joking. You don’t know about the RPS World Series? Seriously – they often show it on ESPN.

Non-Fiction.

Back to the video. I just first want to say that I am completely and utterly blown away by the amount of hot angels in this video. WTF? So many! All hot! Some of them even flash their chest at the camera – it’s seriously wild. I strongly advise you go next time!

Check it out:

Hey?

Best night of your life – FACT!

Don’t be shy to read up on the sport on their Wikipedia page (here), including history, variations, strategy and more!

[thanks toby]

Spotted in a European ELLE Mag.

Monica Cruz – 32

Hotter than her sister, Penelope?

I mentioned this the other day but I didn’t have the footage. Now I do have the footage and I want to bring it to you in a full-on POST, rather than a Good Morning Headline. Because I dig Conan O’Brien!

For those of you NOT in the loop, Conan O’Brien is a US talk show host who recently took over Jay Leno’s The Tonight Show slot. He is thoroughly amusing.

I can’t seem to find him on DSTV. Any of you know when and on what channel he appears?

It is interesting to note that the TBG’s (Tall Blonde Guy’s) fame has reached such biblical proportions that we are now at a point where a pic of him on the phone in the street is just as newsworthy as personal interaction photographs/reports with civilians.

Dear Seth,

Dude…. The Vibe is following me.

I was minding my own business and had just got a Meia de lette from Vida. I’m just driving up the road and I see this.

 

The TBG – thoroughly amazing!
(Tall Blonde Guy)

 

He really is tall and blonde.

And if I may add….. Dresses magnificently.

Thanks for everything.

Yaron W

No, Yaron – you need not “add.”

Of course he dresses magnificently! Has anyone ever said any different? How is it possible for a shining beacon of all things good and pure to NOT dress magnificently?

I said it before and I’ll say it again – God Bless The TBG.

I’m *cough* sure this website has all the right intensions but, honestly, from where I’m sitting it looks tailor made for middle-age affairs and mid-life crises (yes, that is how you spell the plural of “crisis”).

Time for an upgrade? Pop on down to sugarcupid.com!

The website goes for this vibe – and I quote:

Sugar Daddy – rich and successful. No time for games? Looking to support and pamper women (Prada handbags) who will treat you like a king (daily blow jobs)? Interested in a discrete and mutually beneficial relationship? Time to be a Sugar Daddy!

Sugar Baby – attractive and young. Struggling in the early part of your career? Seeking a generous benefactor to mentor and take care of you – perhaps financially? You will make the perfect Sugar Baby!

And what’s more – it’s LOCAL! Jeepers! This thing will be a HIT on Cape Town’s Atlantic Seaboard!

Sugarcupid.com
Check at the honey our boy has picked up!

“..discrete and mutually beneficial?” – ie. an affair? (I assume they meant “discreet”?)

“PERHAPS financially?” - Hahaha, as if it’s an afterthought! That’s just too special! In English : Studies, car, iPhone, handbags, holidays and jewellery.

I’d like to see the state of the angels in their database. Better yet, I’d dig to check the state of the guys who reckon they make the “sugar daddy” grade!

These guys should do a deal with Harley Davidson and create some kind of a mid-life crisis package. Better yet, rope in a law firm to take care of the divorce at the same time!

Aaah, good times..

[thanks brett]

Dita Von Teese
for Wonderbra

Dita Von Teese whips up some new designs for Wonderbra – For someone who takes their clothes off for a living, it’s no surprise Dita Von Teese gets to create her own line of lingerie. She’s been hired by Wonderbra to recreate her unique look for the masses. [dailymail]

Roman Polanski Updates: Asks Swiss Court To Free Him (for child rape), Plus Jail Cell Details – Lawyers for Roman Polanski filed a motion in court Tuesday asking that the Oscar-winning director be released from Swiss custody – the first step in his legal battle to avoid extradition to the United States for a 1977 statutory rape case. [huffpost]

Kevin Richardson met his first lion 11 years ago and was hooked. Here he shows Sky’s Emma Hurd his pride of lions who he has hand-reared at his vast reserve in South Africa. The big cats treat him like one of the pride. As the gate swung open the three lions pounced. A must-see! [sky/youtube]

The thick hair has gone and so too have the youthful looks that thrilled millions of Wham!‘ fans. But then more than 20 years have passed since Andrew Ridgeley and his bandmate George Michael last had a number one. At least 46-year-old Ridgeley has managed to keep his tan and appears to be in reasonable shape. [tonight]

Kevin Pietersen’s the new Brylcreem Boy (God help us all) – Kevin Pietersen was today unveiled as the new Brylcreem Boy and admitted he had big shoes to fill. The 29-year-old England cricketer, the first celebrity to represent the brand in a decade, was chosen because of his “creative style” and “confident swagger”. Fleck, we need to chat about this. [thisislondon]

Rammstein, the German Tanz-Metal (“Dance Metal”) band, who are signed with Universal Music and “like being on the fringes of bad taste” have taken things to the next level. Rammstein has released their most extreme video yet on 16 September 2009 – featuring nudity and sexual acts. You are strongly advised NOT to follow this link unless you are [A] confident you can handle it and [B] not at work. Seriously, I wouldn’t. [xnet]

‘Spectacular’ new diamond found – One of the largest, high quality diamonds discovered to date has been found at a mine in South Africa, mining group Petra Diamonds has revealed. The 507 carat stone, which could be worth in excess of $20m (R150million), was found with three other large diamonds at the famous Cullinan mine, where the largest diamond in history was found more than 100 years ago. Hating that! [bbc]

What The Happiest And Most Successful Women Do Differently – over the last 40 years, women’s happiness has trended downward as compared to men’s, this despite gradual increases in power and prosperity. So, to those of you reading this and thinking “I can be happier. I want to be happier in my life,” here’s the prescription. [huffpost]

Anglo-Saxon Treasure Hoard Found in U.K. – Experts say the collection of 1,500 gold and silver pieces — the biggest and best in English archaeological history — is unparalleled in size, may date back to the 7th Century and is worth “a seven-figure sum.” [time]

Rock Kids’ Profession of Choice? Modeling – It’s no secret that musicians have a thing for models (just ask Mick Jagger, David Bowie, or Kate Moss), but lately we’ve noticed a more innocent twist on the cliché. Exuding congenital stage presence and charisma, rock stars’ daughters are showing up on runways and magazine covers in stylish droves. Check out some of the evidence below. [vanityfair]

Hugh Jackman and Daniel Craig in Broadway phone rage incident – Aussie actor Hugh – better known as X-Men action hero Wolverine – turned his fire on a New York theatregoer when his phone went off during a particularly intense scene in A Steady Rain, his two-hander with the British 007 star. [hellomagazine]

SA’s Mango airlines snubs aviation crisis – Airline Mango reports a R10.9m bottom line profit for the year ended March 2009, attaining profitability against the background of a global aviation industry with losses of $5bn. [fin24]

Why are so many France Telecom employees committing suicide? 24 in the last 19 months. Shocking? Not when compared to previous years’ totals. The latest person to come to that view was a 51-year-old father of two employed in an Orange call centre who threw himself from a motorway bridge near Annecy on Monday. [independent]

The SuperEna Lottery hits $95 million. With the latest rollover, players can expect close to a billion Rand for Thursday’s jackpot. The exact amount, in Rands, is R704,900,000 (R704 million). They’ve allowed purchasing of tickets safely online for Thursday’s draw. [playsuperena]

[thanks paul, chelsea, charl]

Most of the men out there will know of the dangerously hot, Sophie Monk. For the rest of the boys and girls out there who dont, let’s have a quick recap.

Sophie Monk
FINE!

Wikipedia:

Sophie Charlene Akland Monk (born 14 December 1979) [hey, so you're Sagittarian? That's wild..] is an English-Australian pop singer, actress and model. She was once a member of female pop group Bardot [awesome] and has since established a solo career with the release of an album, Calendar Girl [rad]. More recently, she turned her hand to acting, appearing in films such as Date Movie and Click.

Never heard of them. Not that it matters at this particular point in time. The big thing is that it’s pretty cool to have her right here with us for this week’s Tuesday Tabs feature! I should mention at this point that these pics weren’t intended to be topless, but were rather the result of a wave or two, as the blonde bombshell frolicked on a private Southern California beach in SoCal.

Why don’t you go ahead and click that pic below for a very tastefully done NSFW image:

CLICK PIC for a very natural NSFW image

I just need a moment to catch my breath..

Goodness gracious me! Can you just imagine the damage Nick Goldblatt would do to that? I tell you, there really is something special about those goose bumps that appear after a swim in the ocean. It’s just all so natural and raw. So much energy. And you know what lying in the sun does to you, ladies? That’s right.. Sexy time..

WHAT an incredible result! Thanks for that, Sophie – and thanks to you out there for joining us. See you next week for another killer Tuesday Tabs feature.

* oh, here’s one more of Sophie at the beach.

[thanks matthew]

I lot of you have either emailed or told me in person that you couldn’t find the Puma Cabana shoes featured in the top ad on this website.

Let me give you a visual reminder:

The highly sought after “Cabana” range

Well I’m pleased to tell you that they are now IN STORE! I know that for a FACT because I picked up all three from the new Cabana range at the Puma Waterfront store and have slept next to them for the last week. They’re also available at Canal Walk. The bonus of shopping at Canal Walk is you get to feel like a supermodel at the same time. So, you know – convenience vs self-esteem boost; it’s your call.

Please enjoy these puppies:

The Puma Cabanas
jostle for position at the Cape Royale hotel

They’re very well priced for a blinding hot pair of brand new pair of Pumas, I might add!

Not that I can say the same for these bad boys I got the other day. They’re what we refer to as “premium.” I am referring, of course, to the “street” version of Usain Bolt‘s record-breaking Puma YAAM shoes.

Try and deal with these:

The Puma YAAM street shoe
Enjoy the Jamaican flag flying at the back!

I only wear them when I want to go REALLY fast! Like the other day whn I was on TV for teen magazine show “Hectic Nine 9.” I ran to the studios from 5kms away. Took me 2minutes 15secs.

No spice.

Check it out. You can see them peeping out at the bottom – smoke still coming off them.

Seth rolling with the YAAMs on TV

Very sexual….and FAST! (say “fast” with an American accent). Did I mention how FAST they are?

Takes me back to my days on the rugby field as a specialist try-scorer. Most of you will remember when they called me “C-TAP” (pronounced “See TAP”) which stood for Coming Through At Pace.

“Pop it up for C-TAP!” the crowd would chant.

I tell you, I think I’ve still go it…

In fact, I hereby challenge Herschelle Gibbs to a sprint race.

Whenever you’re ready, pal.. I’ll be there..

Don’t be shy to use the term “ground breaking” as you take in an all-new feature here on 2oceansvibe, in the form of the “Cape Town Short Cuts!” (use fingers above head to indicate inverted commas).

This brand new concept takes you, the very beautiful 2oceansvibe reader, onto the streets of Cape Town. Watch and learn, as your hero, Seth Rotherham navigates his way through the quickest, sneakiest and coolest short cuts on the road – showing you ways to avoid traffic lights and traffic jams. Saving you valuable seconds and, yes, even minutes!

Wait for video box to load under this line. Then turn up sound and press play.

* slower connections are advised to pause and wait for video to load up fully before pressing play.

So there you have it!! Hope you enjoyed that and we’re looking forward to giving you the next edition.

Next time I might might even push the seats forward and take you into the back with me. Ooh… you naughty little monster!

The fact that capetowntrafficcam.co.za gives you live webcam footage of the traffic situation on Cape Town’s roads, is one thing – but there is surely nothing wrong with taking in the sites while you’re doing it?

Check out these STUNNING pics spotted on the site this morning.

Milnerton region

Camps Bay beach

Nothing wrong with that!

Welcome to summer, my darlings.

Check out how backed up things are on the roads and other beautiful vistas at www.capetowntrafficcam.co.za

[thanks paul]

The G20 was carrying on over the past week or so and you might remember we mentioned CNN’s Christiane Amanpour when she destroyed one Robert Gabriel Mugabe in his first interview with the Western World in the last five years.

South African president, Jacob “Jay-Z” Zuma got his turn on CNN with the same lady. She didn’t pussy-foot around, either. South Africa’s AIDS policy came up (onions/beetroot et al), and so did crime, jobs, Zuma’s rape case, the shower scene, Zimbabwe/Mugabe, “quiet diplomacy” and much, much more.

On AIDS and Thabo Mbeki’s previous statements, Zuma basically punished him and said that Thabo had given his own personal views, rather than that of thr ANC. Refreshing, to say the least.

It goes on – it’s all pretty good. Quite cool seeing our wet-behind-the-ears prez on a massive global news talk show!

And yes, he did use the words “actually” and “in fact,” every now and then.

In fact.

Actually.

Check it out:

PART 1 : (Discussing running a new government during the recession, un/employment, crime, weapon trading with Syria, comments on Sudan)

PART 2 : (AIDS, rape case, shower scene)

PART 3 : (Zimbabwe, Mugabe, Football World Cup, worker (wehkas) threats, potential violence, goals as president, the rainbow nation)

Pretty impressive stuff all in all, although he definitely seemed a tad out of his depth. Welcome to the first world, my boy! And I don’t mean that in a derogatory way. I call a lot of my friends “boy.” Including whites, Asians and prawns. My mother calls me “boy,” I might add!

Back to Zuma, he really should learn how to busk, rather than ramble. Other than that, I was fine with the overall package.

What did you think?

“But she told me she was 16!!”

Roman Polanski’s arrest in Switzerland has blindsided the Los Angeles court. Gerald Posner reports on the director’s 32-year legal odyssey—and whether the district attorney will be forced to drop the case. For those of you not following this – get into it. [dailybeast]

Music teacher jailed for lesbian affair with pupil. (Staying with the theme) – Helen Goddard, who had a stunning lesbian affair with a 15-year-old pupil will be allowed to continue to see the girl after she is released from jail. Thank God! I don’t think you should stop this kind of thing – especially when you see the pic of the music teacher. Although, to be fair, she’s got nothing on Miss McKechnie… [timesonline]

Influential Rabbi Bans Crocs for Yom Kippur. Jews traditionally aren’t supposed to wear leather to synagogue on Yom Kippur, as a symbol of modesty and humanity. Crocs have been a favorable alternative because they’re plastic, comfortable, and breathable. The footwear has earned a reputation as “the new Jew shoe.” However, an influential Lithuanian rabbi is telling Jews not to wear Crocs to services for Yom Kippur. [nymag]

Jude Law is reportedly refusing to see his new baby until after a paternity test. Oh, you didn’t know about this? Oh ja! Law’s ex-girlfriend Samantha Burke gave birth to Sophia on Thursday, but the News of the World claims that the actor, who is currently starring in a Broadway production of Hamlet, did not fly to Florida to see her. Bad, bad man! [digitalspy]

Bernie Madoff’s two sons, his brother and a niece will be sued this week for $198 million, the trustee winding down the Madoff firm told CBS News’ “60 Minutes” broadcast on Sunday. Enjoy that. [reuters]

The next Eskom… A looming shortage in the supply of water in South Africa may have serious cost implications for businesses and consumers, warned experts. One of the people who recently warned the country is on the brink of a water crisis is Deputy President Kgalema Motlanthe. Wonderful! [fin24]

Lucy Vodden, who was the inspiration for the Beatles’ song “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds,” has died. Vodden first achieved pop culture fame as a tot, when John Lennon’s son Julian drew a picture of her in nursery school in 1966. He took the picture home to his pops, explained it as “That’s Lucy in the sky with diamonds,” and a song legend was born. [wallstreetjournal]

Kate Moss wants to be a rock star, it seems. She’s joined the Performing Rights Society, which protects UK musician and songwriters’ rights. – this could be it. Her boyfriend, Jamie Hince (of “The Kills”) is putting together a new band. A source said: “He’s so used to hearing Kate sing, at home and in karaoke, that he’s tempted to give it a go. “She makes no secret of wanting to record more stuff before it’s too late for her.” [thesun]

An ex-cage fighter who was extradited from Morocco has pleaded guilty to three charges linked to the £53m Securitas robbery in Kent, UK. Paul Allen helped plan Britain’s biggest cash robbery and is facing a lengthy jail sentence for his role in the heist. How he will control Apple from there is anybody’s guess. [skynews]

Silvio Berlusconi is electric, as usual. Yesterday he targeted Michelle Obama in new ‘suntan’ gibe – Most world leaders try to avoid repeating a gaffe. Not Silvio Berlusconi. The Italian Prime Minister has called President Barack Obama “tanned” again, but this time he took the opportunity to joke about the First Lady’s skin colour as well. and the hits just keep on coming! [timesonline]

Joe Perry gave Aerosmith fans a scare last week when he revealed that he and Steven Tyler haven’t spoken since the singer’s stage fall in South Dakota put the brakes on the band’s summer tour. Rumors of an inevitable breakup for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame group quickly began circulating. This story has nothing to do with the Alicia Silverstone music video whatsoever. [rollingstone]

Secret Service, Facebook Team Up to Catch Obama Assassination Pollster. Some twisted soul posted a Facebook poll yesterday asking whether or not President Obama should be assassinated. [valleywag]

[thanks pi, thanks mike]

These guys who call themselves Vuva and the Zelas have made a song called “Funny Yellow Trumpet” which documents a group of white guys taking a taxi to a local football game, ultimately falling in love with soccer and the vuvuzela.

It’s pretty damn funny – check it out (wait for play box to load below):

[*Slower connections should pause and let media load before playing.]

I love it – AWESOME little anthem – would be great in a Nando’s ad or similar!

Well donem, Vuvu and the Zelas!!

It is tradition here at 2oceansvibe to “call it” when it feels right for us (for you). I remember back in 2007, we called it on September 17. Well it looks like it’s 11 days later this year. Don’t know why – probably a combination of El Nino, global warming and Michael Jackson’s death.

Quietly gather around and check out this lineup for the next 7 days.

Feel the forecast inside your body

Seriously, man – give me a BREAK! It’s jumping nearly 2 degrees every day with an explosion of warmth and joy on Friday and Saturday. I can’t WAIT to see how much work gets done on Friday this week. It’s gonna be disgusting.

Personally, I’m shooting the next 2oceansvibe Show with Goldfish at my residence, The Cape Royale Hotel in Green Point. The first interview since they got back from Ibiza. It’s gonna be OFF THE CHAIN!

You may well find us moonwalking next to the pool.

[thanks ken]

I’m not 100% sure if this is for public consumption, but I’m gonna roll with it anyway. I mean really, MY inbox is YOUR inbox right?

You remember the other day I swung by the ELLE Magazine cover shoot with District 9 star, Vanessa Haywood? You may have even caught the video of me and Vanessa discussing PRAWNS and the like? Ja, that’s the one.

So anyway, the fruit of that shoot (rhymes nicely) has been delivered to my inbox from ELLE Magazine with two simple questions, “What do you think? Which one is your favourite?”

I couldn’t decide on my own and for me to reply with an informative answer, I’m gonna have to put it to the vibe. Because that’s EXACTLY what we do here at 2oceansvibe. We get involved!

Here it is, girls (and boys!)… The three potential ELLE Magazine covers for the next issue. Only ONE can make it to the news stands..

WHICH ONE IS IT GONNA BE?

Option 1 (click image for hi-res decision-making):

Option 1

Option 2:

Option 2

Option 3:

Option 3

So there you have it! They’re all outstanding – but which one do we prefer?

I don’t want to say anything to sway your thoughts. But, you know, the third one is pretty goddamn awesome! Hey?? A classic, if you ask me.

Nonetheless, which would YOU choose? And why?

There was a U.N. meeting at the Museum of Modern Art in New York on Wednesday, during which US President Barack Obama had to endure 130 photographs with visiting foreign dignitaries.

ALL THE PHOTOS can be seen one-by-one on the State Department’s flikr page. Or, what you might prefer, and the reason for this post; is you can watch a video of all those pics compressed into 20 seconds.

The result? Barack Obama is pulling the exact same pose in every single photograph.

Freaky? Or cool? Depends which way you look at it, I suppose. Can’t really blame him – I mean, really – 130 pics in a row?

Personally, I wish I could find one set smiley pose that works. I get quite panicky before social pics. What am I going to do? The sexually charged open-mouth smile with slight tongue appearing on bottom lip? Or maybe this time we do the closed-mouth one-sided smirk? Or the old classic mid-talking pose?

Jesus, it’s a mine-field out there..

[source:spiegelman]

Brigitte Bardot
Born : 28 September 1934

Brigitte Bardot turns 75 today. She starred in 48 films, recorded 80 songs and established herself as an animal rights activist. She also became somewhat outspoken in her criticism of immigration, race-mixing, some homosexuality and Islam. As a result, she has been convicted five times for “inciting racial hatred”. Mellow. Besides all of that, she was a legendary French sex symbol. Let’s check out a photo gallery [dailybeast]

The Death of the Newspaper – These guys have put together a few graphs detailing the demise of top American newspapers. Including circulation figures, revenue sources, newspaper advertising expenditure and stock prices. [mint]

Marilyn Manson has swine flu and says he ‘didn’t fuck a pig’ to catch it. Nice. Clean. The goth rocker revealed via his Facebook earlier last week (September 21) that he has caught H1N1. [nme]

Microsoft’s next operating system, Windows 7, is available to the public Oct. 22. So why not host an awkward launch party for a perfectly diverse group of your friends? Microsoft made an unbearable video tutorial to get you going. [valleywag]

Gisele Bunchen and Tom Brady say they don’t want to know the sex of my their baby. This, despite rumors that they are expecting a baby boy. Whatever, Gisele. Just one question, does Tom make you coffee in the morning? Nailed! [People]

Viagra email spam brings in returns of more than $4,000/day – A peek into the world of spam affiliate networks has revealed that there is indeed a lot of money to be made by pushing all those Viagra and Cialis e-mails. Even if only a few people make purchases. In other words – they’re not going away. [arstechnica]

Who has the best chest in Hollywood? – Well, from Viagra, to perhaps the more natural solution to getting your vibe hot. Huff puts the breast to the test, in an online poll, featuring everyone from Salma to Scarlett. They haven’t done too badly, I must say. [huffingtonpost]

Film director Roman Polanski was last night in custody in Switzerland and facing extradition to the United States in connection with a 32-year-old case in which he admitted sexual intercourse with an under-age girl in Jack Nicholson’s house. [telegraph]

Are Prenups Terribly Unromantic Or Wonderfully Practical? Lamar Odom and Khloe Kardashian are reportedly discussing a prenuptial agreement as they prepare to marry this weekend, and apparently they’re not alone; according to the BBC, prenuptial agreements are on the rise, thanks in part to high-profile celebrity splits. [jezebel]

Conan O’Brien Bumps His Head During Show Taping and is Rushed to Hospital – NBC will be airing a repeat of The Tonight Show Friday after Conan O’Brien fell during a skit being taped for tonight’s episode and was taken by ambulance to the hospital, the network confirmed to E! News. [eonline]

Coca Cola has teamed up with Italian fashion designers Donatella Versace, Alberta Ferretti, Anna Molinari for Blumarine, Veronica Etro, Silvia Venturini for Fendi, Consuelo Castiglioni for Marni, Angela Missoni and Rossella Jardini for Moschino, for fund raising campaign in support of the victims of the earthquake in Abruzzo, Italy. Check them all out here! [luxuo]

Eugene Terreblanche is back in the mix. The Afrikaner right-wing spent Heritage Day launching a new campaign against “black oppression.” The day produced some stunning quotes, including, “The African person is genetically programmed for destruction. Everything he touches, he destroys.” Wow! I take it Noddy still comes with Gollywog in your part of the country? [sundaytimes]

From bowling to boning! It looks like there are more things to think about before a big game, besides fielding practice and the bowling machine.

Gary Kirsten believes a good session before heading on to the sports field is all India’s cricketers need to bring home the trophies.

Judging by the action the boys get, the document has also been distributed amongst the Proteas and suggests that picking up chicks at 2am does not qualify, but rather if you do have someone at home, to give it a bash.

Gary Kirsten (right)
Encouraging sex.

Sport24 tells us:

New Delhi – India’s cricketers at the Champions Trophy in South Africa are being encouraged by their coach to have sex to boost their on-field performance, a newspaper reported on Wednesday.

The benefits of sex feature prominently in a secret document circulated among players by coach Gary Kirsten and mental conditioning expert Paddy Upton, the Hindustan Times said in a front-page report.

It came as India take on arch-rivals Pakistan in their first Champions Trophy match in Centurion on Saturday.

The large-selling broadsheet, which claimed to have a copy of the document, said the relevant chapter was headlined “Does sex increase performance?”.

“Yes it does, so go ahead and indulge,” the document said, before detailing the benefits of a good sex life and even suggesting “going solo” if no partners were available.

“From a physiological perspective, having sex increases testosterone levels, which cause an increase in strength, energy, aggression and competitiveness,” the document said.

“Conversely, not having sex for a period of a few months causes a significant drop in testosterone levels in both males and females, with the corresponding passiveness and decrease in aggression.”

The document quotes Tim Noakes, a professor and sports scientist at the University of Cape Town, Kirsten’s home town, as saying that “sex was not a problem, but being up till 02:00, probably having a few drinks at a bar while trying to pick someone up, on the eve of a game, almost always was.”

The document helpfully suggests a solution.

“If you want sex but do not have someone to share it with, one option is to go solo whilst imagining you have a partner, or a few partners, who are as beautiful as you wish to imagine,” the document said.

“No pillow talk and no hugging required. Just roll over and go to sleep.”

Enforced celibacy may also affect performance, the advice said.

“You may experience that your mind spends more time focusing on the fire in your groin than on good sport practice, preparation and sleep,” the document said.

The document also stresses the importance of being aggressive on the field from the start, self-improvement and healthy eating.

Didn’t you LOVE the part about singletons? Saying that they should not be shy of masturbation? Wow, thank God you told them! But then going as far as suggesting some wanking techniques, “whilst imagining you have a partner, or a few partners, who are as beautiful as you wish to imagine”

Group sex wanking scenarious – clearly the way forward.

[thanks clinton]

I’ve noticed a HELLUVA lot of adverts for the new Range Rover online, as well as offline. I just want to say right now that I STRONGLY urge you NOT to buy one. I say this to you as your friend, brand meister and, as an “opinion leader” I feel it’s my duty. Whether it’s a good car or not is actually, funnily enough, irrelevant. THAT is how horrific dealing with Range Rover will become.

I remember once saying (with tears in my eyes) to one of the managers at Land Rover, Cape Town, “Why do you guys persist on delivering the worst service out of any car dealership? You know you guys are famous for shit service, right?”

“I know,” was the answer. And yet they persist.

And don’t think that buying the top of the range car from them will make a difference to your experience – oh no – trust me, I’ve been there. Chat to any of my P.A.’s from the last three years and there is a good chance they will have a small vomit in their mouths when they hear the words “range” (or “land”) and “rover.”

Don’t for one second, forget THIS ARTICLE I gave you in June. It’s a GLOBAL problem.

What would lead someone to this point?
Think about that for a second..

You cannot afford the time and the headaches that you will receive. And I urge you to discuss this issue with other Range Rover owners – it’s pretty much unanimous (you might want to avoid the romantic Defender owners (with all due respect to them)). It is, quite simply, not worth it. Better yet, CLICK HERE for a long list of Google results about the very same thing.

I am genuinely telling you this for your own good. Seriously, are you a smart person? Or do you enjoy pain?

If nothing is stopping you then PLEASE, at the very least, read over that article (including the comments).

More than this, I cannot do.

You row your own boat from here.