THE NEW CONCISE SA BRAAI RULES AND PROCEDURES MANUAL
30.06.2010
Our rabid international fan should know that a South African “braai” is our version of a BBQ.
Mainly ‘cos we’re awesome.
New Standard Operating Procedures released today – please learn
BRAAI RULES
We are about to enter the BRAAI season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BRAAI the following chain of events are put into motion:
Your basic braai
ROUTINE
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables and makes desert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill – beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. he thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat.
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ‘ her night off ‘, and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women.
Seems a bit unfair, no?
Naaah!!
[thanks dave]
July 1st, 2010 at 8:45 am
(1) Woman buys pick ‘n pay wors and overpriced Woolies chicken kebab fuckfests that fall in the fire.
(2) Woman forgets to buy ice, enough booze etc. Man sorts this out.
(3) Women stand around inside secretly watching man braai food.
(4) Women wait for food to be cooked optimally before running around making a big song and dance about total irrelevancies such as ’salads’ and ‘cutlery’ etc. Irrelevancies which they force on man who would be happy to eat straight off fire with hands.
(5) Meat overcooks, men eat many of the chicken kebabs.
(6) Women pat themselves on the back about wonderful salads, rolls, napkins, plates and cutlery while men cast despairing looks at burnt Pick n Pay wors and get kakked out for nibbling on chicken kebabs.
July 1st, 2010 at 11:15 am
…continued
13) man drinks too much and passes out on chair outside by braai, beer still in hand
14) man wakes up 2 hours later very disoriented, looks around, realizes he has a beer, takes a sip, spits it out because it is warm
15) man stumbles into the kitchen and eats a few more cold pieces of meat from the refrigerator
16) man stumbles into bed, wakes up wife and makes a drunken, feeble attempt to mate
17) man wakes up the next morning and wonders why wife is glaring at him, having no recollection of anything that happened after passing out.