I am sure I have mentioned most of these tips in the past, but there is little harm in reminding you of some solid wine-truths. One thing I promise, if you follow any of these tips, your enjoyment of wine will increase. And, hell, isn’t that what life is all about, drinking wine? No? Oh, I see.

Glassware

I have said this so many times that comparisons to stuck records will surely be made, but friends, glassware is that important. Although I am not telling you you HAVE to drink out of expensive glassware, I’m simply suggesting that if you drink out of a well made wine glass rather than a polystyrene cup, on the whole your drinking experience will be better. The trick is thin glass without a lip around the rim. Don’t be like that doos from Sideways, get a good glass.

Get Naked Have Sex Drink Champagne

This may be the best way to drink wine. There are few pleasures as satisfying as lying back, enjoying a post-coital cigarette and sipping on some French Champagne. It’s the restorative nature of the bubbles that does it, I think. You see, it’s the perfect post-sex tipple as not only is it celebratory, but it’s also something of an aphrodisiac. “Well done dear, have a sip and let’s do that again.”

Get Stoned

Now some might disagree with me on this one, but they’re a bunch of squares. My advice on spliff and wine is to choose the wine carefully. I would stay away from heavily wooded, tannic wines when you’re goofed. But an elegant Chardonnay, or a bright and fresh Syrah is so much better when you are high. Also, I have found, that when you think about the wine you are drinking, you get a far better idea of how the wine is structured, what it feels like in the mouth when some reefer is involved. I have always wanted to have a stoner wine competition to see which wines are preferred when the judges are a little mashed. A Platter guide for pot heads, perhaps?

Get A Decanter

This is not going to get you near the hedonistic heights of post-sex champagne, but it does help. You can decant into pretty much anything. I have decanted wine into buckets, vases, pots, pans, casserole dishes, fishtanks, and once – and I think my jeans were so tight they were constricting blood flow, I tried to decant a cheap Bordeaux into a veldskoen. That didn’t work. But it did give me a rad name for a hipster band, The VeldSkoen Decanters. But that is entirely besides the point; when you do find a container you are happy to decant in to, experiment with everything. Decant your Sauvignon Blanc, your Merlot, Syrah and Champagne. Decant decant decant. Always remember to have a taste of the stuff before you decant so you you can measure the difference. I like to decant my wines in the morning before I go to work, which means I can squeeze in a few early morning sips.

Give Less Of A Fuck

It is just wine. If you start caring less about what you are drinking and just start enjoying the thing in and of itself I promise you you will have a better time. Forget the price, forget the structure and alcohol content and simply relish the fact you are consuming a drink that has been drunk in a pretty similar fashion for thousands of years. Feel part of that history and pop open another bottle.

Give More Of A Fuck

This may seem like a paradox. Perhaps it is one, if so we must remember Tom Robbins’ words that “only the obtuse are unappreciative of paradox” and embrace it. Sure you will have a better time with wine if you are unconcerned by scores, stars, and the rest – if you are simply imbibing for the sacred, and wondrous act of imbibing. But at the same time, the more you learn about wine the more enjoyment can be eked out of it. Read, research, understand more. Things taste better with a dollop of knowledge.

Spend More Money

Although this will not always be true, because just like everything else,the wine world is littered with rip-offs, but you will find that if you start spending more money you will get better wine. When you get better wine your enjoyment is improved. Simple, no?

Spend Less Money

Well not entirely, because if you are too focused on money you will forget the pleasure offered by cheap, and cheerful wines. Wines without pretense. A fresh and lively Pinot Grigio for under R50 drunk in the sun, can offer just as much enjoyment as an expensive Chablis. The trick is to spend more, without giving a fuck.

Age Your Wine

Again, I have gone on about this repeatedly, but it is an aspect of wine that so many people miss out on – spending lots of money on a really good wine and then klapping it in its infancy. And though there can be pleasure found in this paedophilic drinking, nothing beats a well aged wine. As good wine ages, it opens up, gains complexity, becomes more interesting. It’s like chatting to old people. Not enough of us have good, fat chats with the elderly. But when you do – and their picnics still have all their sandwiches – you can be astounded by their wisdom, war stories and senses of humour. So the advice is to stock up on some cheap wine that you enjoy, and then stash the good stuff away for a few years. Or, if the temptation is too great, you can always store your wine with someone like Wine Cellar, who will cellar your wine for you for a small fee.