I really have to apologise to the new readers who started reading 2oceansvibe in the last week and may well think that we are nothing more than a smut showcase. I must stress that this is a highly intellectual, topical, informative website which generally oozes a careful mix of class, culture and humour. It just so happens that Britney Spears chose this week to team up with Hilts and get totally rat-fucked every day of the week in Vegas - resulting in these photographs. I haven't actually looked directly at the photographs and am certainly not impressed that they were taken in the first place. Nonetheless, it is my duty to you to publish these shots.
Click each one but PLEASE be very careful - these are very much NSFW.
Quite stunning, really! I had a multitude of pics from this year's Victoria's Secret Fashion Show and I never really quite knew what to do with them. But then I got an email from The Lawyer with a link to one of the biggest bunches of pics from the show that I have ever seen. Dat ek al ooit gesien het.
I'll warm you up with these puppies and then you can click the link.
Luba - you might remember her from the Misty Clifs house [permalink]
This is quite a fun one. You might remember the article I popped up a while back about those sisters, one of which whose name is Luba. She is married to famous nude photographer, Peter Hegre. He does quite a lot of nude work with her and claims she is the perfect woman.
Brace yourselves. Due to some inexplicable movement or colliding of the planets, 2oceansvibe's staples, Britney Spears and Paris Hilton, have become best friends. I doubt you could even script something like this. Extremely wealthy, old-money, sex-tape starring slut becomes friends with extremely wealthy, new-money, white trash pop star. It's too much to handle. The results can only be explosive.
Britney has learnt how to remain smashed for a number of days on end and has already flashed her front bum - and that's only after a couple of weeks in Hilton's care. We're expecting a sex tape with the two of them any day.
Why were we subjected to the story of the Russian spy who was poisoned? The story broke a couple of weeks ago about an ex-Russian spy, Alexander Litvinenko, who had been admitted to hospital in London after being poisoned. Sky News then spent the next couple of weeks watching his decline, until his death, towards the end of last week.
Oh my God! This spy was killed!
That is RIDICULOUS!
Firstly, there is no such thing as an ex-spy. Imagine if James Bond retires and is chilling one day at the Slug and Lettuce in Fulham. It turns out that Goldfinger had a love child a-la-Prince-Albert, who arrives at the Slug and Lettuce to kill James. He walks up to him:
"Aaaaah, Meeeeesta Bond!"
"Awfully sorry, old chap, but who the fuck are you", replies James, very chilled, with a scotch in his hand.
"I am Goldtoe, my fascher was Goldfinger! And I am here to avenge his death"! He pulls out a knife and motions to stab it into Bond's neck.
Bond, always ready for this kind of bullshit retorts, "Now now, squire, I've retired! I'm not working anymore. I'm an EX-spy."
Goldtoe, embarrassed, apologises to James, slides over to the bar and orders a pint. He gets broken, goes to the Redback Tavern that night and comes right.
The point is, there is no such thing as AN EX-SPY! If someone agrees to become a spy, he is fucked for the rest of his life. He can be killed at any point and people REALLY shouldn't make a fuss. Anyway, do you know who our boy was chilling with when he got poisoned? OTHER SPIES!!!!
Secondly, it CERTAINLY shouldn't be the top story on the news for so long. Imagine a headline, "GOLDFINGER KILLED BY JAMES BOND". It's just not going to happen. It's rubbish.
Rubbish, rubbish, rubbish!
And now people are demanding an inquiry into his death. Honestly, they've got police involved and detectives and all sorts of crap. What are you guys doing? HE WAS A FUCKING SPY! Granted, a very shit spy, but a spy nonetheless. Spies live in a separate world to us where death and murder comes standard. THIS IS NORMAL STUFF, GUYS! He got poisoned! Jesus, LEAVE IT ALONE!
Personally, I think the timing of his death with the launch of the new James Bond movie, Casino Royale is a little more than mere coincidence. I think Alexander was poisoned by the producers of the new Bond movie and think it is bloody genius! I mean, really, the leading news story on Sky News is about this effing spy, then they cross over to entertainment headlines and they're talking about the launch of the new James Bond movie.
It seems the word has spread that 2oceansvibe has anonymously received the widely reported pics of Minki van der Westhuizen sipping champagne in a bath tub. Whilst you know we will do anything to please you, I'm afraid we can't do that, so please hold back on the requests.
I think that is MORE than enough
I find myself stuck inside the Meatloaf song. "I will do anything for love, but I won't do that".
2oceansvibe will always look after its friends, and friends of its friends - so I am sure you understand that this falls under that theme. I trust everyone knows that this is for the greater good and the very reason that makes 2oceansvibe, well, 2oceansvibe. It's like the freemasons, but better. Or The Skulls!
Minki, as we expect she'll be when you meet her.
Good luck out there.
Friday afternoon started fairly early at Caprice with the angels and ended with an escape out the window from the likes of Fleck. I don't know what time it was, but the bottle of vodka that Mike gave us was finished. So was I it seemed.
It was the next day that I realised my Chanel sunglasses were missing. There are other Chanels amongst the other 15 or so pairs of shades that Mavis keeps in order in a special sunglasses drawer, but these were quite special. They were bought in New York during this year's Strengthening Ties Tour. It was boiling hot in New York and I dashed into the nearest shop to get some air conditioning. It happened to be a Chanel store. A store lady came up and asked if she could help me. Emboerrissed at using them for air conditioning, I asked to look at a pair of sunglasses at the very top of the rack.
She needed a special ladder to get to the top of the rack.
She fell.
Seriously, she fucking wiped on the floor. The situation was getting bad. She got an assistant to get the shades whilst she went to the back to get mended. I had to buy the shades. It was all too emboerrissing. Thank God they were nice. And so, you see, these particular Chanels have a sentimental vibe attached to them.
Have you picked up a pair of Chanels recently? At Caprice, perhaps? Here is a pic to help you.
Seth and the Chanels
2oceansvibe calls upon the community to gather round and have a GOOD look at themselves. I am offering a reward of a case of SKYY vodka to the person who finds and returns them. Thank you.
The herione chic trash drugged up Courtney Love [permalink]
Ja, we've dealt with this type before. Again, I'm fine with it. They have a very good weight and might have even undergone a boob reduction - a process which often ends with fantastic results.
I LOVE stories like this and, because I am made up of little pieces of all of you, you will enjoy it too! I recently stumbled upon an article in GQ magazine (US edition), which described an underground catchphrase / in-joke that has been doing the rounds in the US - particularly amongst TV/sports presenters. The phrase allegedly originated in the mid-90's as a pick-up line in a bar somewhere in Arizona. The story has to do with a famous ESPN sports anchorman by the name of Chris Berman. He has been doing sports on TV forever and, in the States, you're quite a "big deal" if you're as well known as he is. It's slightly different here in South Africa when sports presenters like Joost van der Westhuizen are called "doos" when they walk into a room.
Chris Berman - what a beaut!
Anyway, the following was sent in to the Deadspin sports blog, a very popular website in the States (not the Free State, the UNITED States) which gets stories from anonymous tips, readers and other sports blogs. And so, on April 11 this year, a legend was born. Reporting on an incident from the mid-90's, someone apparently phoned the website with the anecdote. It went like this:
A friend of mine just told me he's getting married. When he gave me the news I immediately thought of the time we were in Scottsdale at spring training, because it's the best pickup story I've ever been a party to. It was about nine years ago, and I actually forget the bar. But my friend was seriously putting the moves on this somewhat attractive young woman, who was wearing leather pants and had a leather jacket draped over her lap. They had been chatting at the bar for about an hour, and my friend thought he was in the house. I had never seen someone work so hard for a score.
But just as he was putting on the finishing touches, Chris Berman walks by. And without even breaking stride, Berman looks at the girl, points and says "You're with me, leather." And the girl looks up, instantly recognizes Berman, snatches up her jacket and walks out with him, leaving my friend in mid-sentence.
"YOU'RE WITH ME, LEATHER"
Whaaah! Are you kidding me?! Have you EVER heard anything funnier than that! IMAGINE walking up to a woman wearing leather pants and saying "You're with me, leather"! It's just too funny for words. What a legend!
Bermers - enjoys it
So you know what happened next - sports presenters, TV hosts, DJ's and anyone else who has a spicy bone in their bodies has been slipping "You're with me, leather" (also known as YWML) into commentary on all media types. The in-joke has been slipped in everywhere, from live sports shows and highlights packages to MTV's TRL show. It's even been displayed on an info box during a broadcast of a New York Mets game. The fact that most sports use leather balls, makes it all too easy.
Here is a beautiful example of how the guys are slipping it into their shows. Wait till the video gets to the 01min15sec mark - then enjoy.
Berman has never admitted that the incident in the bar ever occured. Wikipedia reports:
While Berman has not publicly commented on the story, he allegedly responded angrily when he was asked whether he had ever visited Deadspin by a 15-year-old fan during the 2006 NFL Draft, where he hosted ESPN's coverage. Berman reportedly told the fan, "Why would I go and do that? That is such a stupid question. What are you, stupid? That is so stupid."
Ooooh! It's too beautiful! The fact that he is sensitive about it, makes this whole thing even better. I tell you what makes it even funnier, are these T-shirts that are being sold.
It's too funny. You know when something is TOO funny?
This is TOO funny.
Better yet, we've found the video clip from MTV's TRL where Damien Fahey wasn't shy to slip it in, WITH the T-shirt on! Click pic to go to video clip.
Pretty funny. But that's all in the United States. No-one seems to have had the courage to bring it across the waters to the rest of the World.
Until now.
I am happy to report that ex-Springbok captain, Bob Skinstad, has done us proud. You may or may not know that Skinstad has been doing quite a lot of work with Sky Sports in the UK, particularly before, during and after South Africa test matches. He slipped it in on Saturday.
My sources tell me that it was just before the dismal South Africa vs. England rugby test at Twickenham. Sky Sports were about to cross over live to the national anthems when Skinstad was asked who he thought the key players were and what they should be doing. Skinstad replied: "For me there is one key player, and that is John Smit. John has to turn around, look at the boys, get his hands on the pill (the ball) and say, with confidence - you're with me, leather"
Skinstad - hysterical
Two words: Fucking funny! Good work, Bob. That is nothing short of good quality humour. And to add that John Smit should say it "with confidence"!!!!! Haaaaaah! Good boy! 2oceansvibe and its readers send you a big high five.
If you're in London and you spot Skinstad, do us all a favour. Walk up to him, give him high five and say to him, "You're with me, leather"!
I need to go to bed - this is all too funny. It's probably going to put the phrase "Jeepers Hudders" into retirement.
Michael Richards, "Kramer" from the TV show Seinfeld COMPLETELY lost the plot on Friday after being chirped by some "African-Americans" in the audience.
Whoopsie
TMZ reports:
The camera started rolling just as Richards began his attack, screaming at one of the men, "Fifty years ago we'd have you upside down with a f***ing fork up your ass."
Richards continued, "You can talk, you can talk, you're brave now motherf**ker. Throw his ass out. He's a nigger! He's a nigger! He's a nigger! A nigger, look, there's a nigger!"
The crowd is visibly and audibly confused and upset. Richards responds by saying, "They're going to arrest me for calling a black man a nigger."
One of the men who was the object of Richard's tirade was outraged, shouting back "That's un-f***ing called for, ain't necessary."
After the three-minute tirade, it appears the majority of the audience members got up and left in disgust.
We have received reports that there were three electric topless Russian beauties on Camps Bay beach this weekend. Our sources have confirmed that some boys were seen taking pics from behind their newspapers.
Playing nicely [permalink]
I decided to spend the weekend at the safe house in Camps Bay. So, on Saturday morning I packed a nap sack and drove from the Paris Hilton house in Bantry Bay, around the corner, to Camps Bay. What a lovely weekend away!
The winner of this weekend's Absolute Angel award goes to this little minx who yesterday played very nicely with her lilo on Beta beach, Bakoven. Thank you, angel.
And since we're showing beautiful beach pictures, you might enjoy this selection from the weekend which was, again, very silly. Apologies to the ex-pats, as usual.
For the LAST time now - LOUD AND CLEAR [permalink]
You know, just when I thought everyone knew the rules, some arsehole always seems to phone about business, or schedule a meeting, after one o' clock on a Friday.
Absolutely bizarre! Who ARE these people?
Can't you see everything work related ceases to exist after one on a Friday? Can't you see that even the "working" Capetonians drink beers at their desks from one on a Friday?
Here is an idea of things to do on a Friday. Have a look at these pics taken last week when the ocean forgot how to make waves for five days.
(With apologies to the ex-pats)
Back to the story. I'm talking about those guys who like to pretend. You know the ones I'm talking about. Those 'meeting hunters' who feel that nothing can be accomplished without a physical hour together. They duck and dive and cheat and lie to trick you into having a meeting. But that's not the end of it - they've got your hand and they're not stopping till they rip the whole fucking arm off.
"Hey Seth! I was thinking we should have that meeting we chatted about towards the end of the week. How does that sound?".
[I'm already quite edgy at the mention of the words "towards the end of the week". To be QUITE honest, I personally can't find a more comfortable time than 10h30 on a Tuesday for a 40 minute meeting]
"Umm, ja.....cool....I suppose. When were you thinking?", I stutter.
[I use a tone of voice that, I hope, indicates how HORRIFICALLY awkward I am feeling. My tone of voice could probably be compared to that of a 10 year old boy boy reluctantly agreeing with a priest that playing with his penis is a good idea]
"Well, I was thinking three o' clock on Friday"
[Sweet Mary, Mother of God. Is this guy on crack?]
"I beg your pardon", I allow him to rethink.
Our boy is clueless, "I said three on Friday is looking good for me", he repeats.
WELL ITS NOT LOOKING GOOD FOR ME, FUCK NUT!
And so we are forced to lie about a conference that is going on "the whole of Friday". Shame on you for making me lie!
I don't know who these people are and I don't know what they're trying to prove, but no-one is impressed. Maybe they're new in town and they haven't heard about the rule. Maybe they're from Jo'burg and they're trying to show us how HARD and LATE they work. Well I am VERY impressed! You guys work VERY hard, now get me a gin and tonic with a twist of lime.
If you MUST have a meeting on a Friday, the only one you can do is the one at 10h30 at Caprice. That's the one that goes on until the sun sets. Chat about business for ten minutes, then relax-ay-vu. In fact, I think that is what I''m supposed to be doing with James Stewart tomorrow. We're collaborating on a new album.
Oh my God! Sell everything! Run for the hills! We're all gonna die!!!!!! [permalink]
They're playing the same movie, but they've changed the actors. The "Zuma for president" death knell sounds pretty similar to the Real Estate Doomsday Prophecy of yesterday (literally). But this time, instead of waiting for the right time, they're running for the hills!
Don't shoot!
Ring a bell?
Don't know about you, but this smacks of the early 90's - the first time I heard 'grown-ups' talking about "leaving" (the country). You know... getting out before it all "goes to pot".
[yawn]
The most frightened I ever got in 1994 (for the unlearnt, this was when they finally gave Nelson Mandela his exeat) was when I realised on a Wednesday morning that we had a science test which everyone had forgotten about. Our physics teacher, Case R, thought he had it in the bag - but he didn't factor in the country's pre-election paranoia (EVERYONE thought there would be civil war). Failing myself and The Photographer was WAY more important to our science teacher than any bullshit general election. I thought I would make use of the state of the nation, at the time.
I went to the phone booth in Founders House, dialed the school's main phone number and, in my best 'African' accent, I cried, "There eees aay boooomb eeen the schoool".
It was easier than I thought. Sirens went off and chaos ensued (Private schools enjoyed the full service - eight police cars, 20 dogs, one helicopter, bomb squad, secret service (we housed the son's of ALL types) and more). Sorry about that, Case. We won. In fact....we WIN.
That was over a decade ago. Some of you may not have realised, but you're still here. If you guys want to go, PLEASE go. But go quietly and don't disturb us, we're having a braai.........thanks.
Get out of here!
HURRY!
I don't know the first thing about real estate or politics, but I certainly have heard people talking about the 'Great Real Estate crash' and the 'Great Civil War' since 1994. In that same time I have had more good times and watched more individuals make an independent fortune buying and selling real estate than I care to mention.
Aren't we all quite tired of calling armageddon? If you're ALL SO SURE OF EVERYTHING GOING TO SHIT, THEN PLEASE, GET THE FUCK OUT. PLEASE GO AND START THAT "NEW LIFE"! Go wherever you want to go. Get your green card. Get your fucking UK visa. Whatever! Just do it quietly. Don't waste our time. Fuck off. It's fine. Don't feel bad. Just go.
The Zuma for president 'thing' is starting to bore me now. Just yesterday we had a NEW REVELATION from FW de Klerk who reckons Zuma will not lead our country. I would love to stop and think about that, but I can't find room in my diary. Maybe next year?
Jonty, at The Fishbowl (my personal favourite South African political blog), shares a Contrarian View regarding the potential Zuma presidential victory. My sentiments exactly.
All the answers you were looking for. Finally. [permalink]
Thank God for the Playground guide! You might have caught the first issue that came out last week. Distributed every two weeks and aimed at the 18 - 30 market, Playground covers everything to do with music, lifestyle and clubbing. The beauty is it's free, and it's small. A small, free glossy guide. Absolutely DIVINE! All the clubs, all the cool, all the photographs (angels, angels, everywhere!), all the time, in a language that YOU understand!
Available at a NUMBER of outlets (you have to be blind to miss it), keep an eye out at the likes of Vida e, Caprice, News Cafe and STACKS of other restaurants and hotels. Just turn your head and it should be there!
With a circulation of 20,000 throughout December alone (10,000 per fortnight), I did a little extra homework and managed to get contact details for any of you who might want to get in touch with Playground with regards to advertising.
All enquiries regarding advertising to be directed to:
This Friday, Shape Magazine brings you a party to remember. Shape's Care for the Carers Charity Ball will be taking place at the newly refurbished Greek Club in Mouille Point. You are assured of a wonderful evening including giveaways, complimentary wine, lucky draws, live entertainment (James Stewart) and much more - all in aid of The Association of the Physically Disabled. Click flyer for full info:
Following the recent success of The 2006 Bunker Boy Classic, there was bound to be a summary of the intensity found within the company of the TBG. The TBG (Tall Blonde Guy) took part in the BBC and put his power and aura to good use.
This, from Dan N:
The TBG, with three very lucky young men
Seth, The Bunker Boy Classic – as advertised on 2Oceansvibe last week – turned out to be an exceptional event, with a remarkable addition to the field.
There were plenty of stars on show, from rugby legends Robbie Fleck and Robbie Kempson, to renowned political rights activist Phil Venter, who’d just come off a hunger strike in support of Shoprite workers. But even former Mr 2Oceansvibe Richard Neville – the poor man’s Pieter Dixon – faded into the background when, striding through the morning rain, the Tall Blonde Guy suddenly appeared at Kleinmond Golf Club...
To be honest, while there’d always appeared something striking about the TBG in pictures, I was a little skeptical about the supposed aura of the man; no doubt whatsoever anymore. The TBG appeared to walk across a water hazard towards the clubhouse, where he proved beyond doubt his mystique.
The kitchen at the golf club had caught fire, leaving barely any food; armed with nothing but half a dozen fish fingers, and a couple of bread rolls, the TBG fed the entire field of golfers. Then he smiled, turned, and strode out towards the horizon, a giant of a man.
I still get a shiver down my spine just recalling it – and can picture quite clearly the single, awe-struck tear running down Robbie Fleck’s cheek. I've walked the course with Ernie, played with Gary Player, hung out with Samuel L Jackson at the Nelson Mandela Invitational – none of them compare with experiencing the spiritual delight inspired by the TBG.
May we all, one day, be touched by his presence,
Dan N
What beautiful words. Thank you, Dan N. I canot believe I missed the Bunker Boy Classic this year. I wish I was there, near the TBG - but I am sure everyone agrees that the Leeuloop Investigation in Parys was something that had to be done for the sake of all the 2oceansvibe readers.
It all came back to them in the end, with this report [permalink]
After what was no doubt a week of putting together the various pieces of the puzzle, our correspondent from the Bunker Boy Classic (BBC) seems to have matched them all together, and come out with exactly what we were looking for. Who would have thought it would double up as a TBG sighting!!
The following from Mike M:
Seth,
Douglass Worth and Paul Waldburger won the 2006 Bunker Boy Classic in thrilling form after a close tie saw the Bunker Boy Classic Novices sneak through in a count out against veteran Classic contenders Shaun Terry and Angus Sedgwick.
Banger, Malherbe, Fleck and Skinner
Taking the impressive 1st prize and sipping on a Smirnoff Twist, Worth could not contain himself:
"I am so excited! My best friend, Paul, and I, heard that the TBG and Robbie Fleck were playing in this year's classic and I had to get an entry form. Paul and I do everything together and I am so excited to share this win with him"
Waldburger did not share Worth’s enthusiasm explaining"
"I carried the oke the whole way and he weighs 134kgs. I am pretty tired, I am turning pro next year and this has been very good training for me".
Despite this, Paul 'Banger' Waldburger seemed excited at defending his title:
"I have always wanted to compete in the Bunker Boy Classic and will be back next year. I know that it is such a stern test of golf and that the prizes and sponsors are awesome! I would like to thank the sponsors, Heineken and Brandhouse, Jack Daniels, Pilsner Urquel , The Last Word, La Med, White Shark Dive Company, 2oceansvibe and Bunker Boy Clothing for such a great event".
On a more serious note everyone seemed to have fun and the rumours of a winter classic closer to Cape Town seemed to stir up excitement never seen before.
Attached are two pictures the one is the winners Doug Worth and Paul Waldburger and the other is of the TBG playing in the BBC....
RE – WAKE, featuring Register 7’s Graphic Battle is a celebration of music and design. The event brings together three of South Africa’s most enticing electro and rock propositions: LARK, The Real Estate Agents, and The Dirty Skirts. It also features Oppikoppi highlight Jacob Israel of Chrisus Records who will perform alongside multimedia VJ’s Grrrl (Earthdance) and Pijin.net winners of a Design Indaba Construction Award.
After the shows, all time legendary African Dope producer Fletcher (of Krushed and Sorted) will be deliver a live set. RE-WAKE also features the finale of the Register 7 Graphic Battle, where the general public will get to vote on the 5 finalist designers.
Kate has never been shy to take the twins out for some fresh air, so we are certainly are not alarmed at the discovery of this pic. What we can say, however, is that this is one of the best angles ever taken of the pair.
As we go undercover in Parys, in search of the great Leeuloop [permalink]
The loyal mass would agree that my staple catalyst for such ludicrous penmanship would be scotch. Jamesons to be precise. (Unless we've got some of the good stuff lying around, which, invariably, we do). But tonight is different. Tonight I want to tell you about a trip I did last weekend to Parys. No, no, not the one in France. I'm talking about PARYS, not Paris. You know, the one just inside the borders of the great Free State or, if you're cool, which we are, you say:
"The States"
Just to remind you, Parys is where the leeuloop is from. If you don't know what the leeuloop is, you OBVIOUSLY missed our leeuloop article which describes the concept and how it works (including translation). The town of Parys is mentioned in the first line of the song. I strongly urge you to visit the aforementioned article, should you wish to delve any deeper into this particular piece.
On that note, I'm not drinking scotch tonight. I think, in this case, it is correct that I imbibe only beer during the writing of this article.
The revelation that I have close family in Parys seemed to go hand in hand with a fact finding mission on the origins of The Leeuloop. My cousins had all the answers I was looking for. I hadn't seen them for about 15 years and, as descendants of the 1820 settlers, it turns out I am quite "connected" in Parys.
I wonder what the sign says when you enter the town of Welkom
Seriously, the mere mention of the family even allows for 40% discounts on art at the local gallery. Uncle Errol and his brood have the town covered. My two gorgeous cousins are basically the Paris and Nicky Hilton's of Parys. (Parys and Nycky). They also happen to be lawyers who have known the judges since they were kids. Honestly, I could probably pull some serious strings for you in Parys.
After a quick catch-up of what had happened over the past 15 years and how much we had all grown up, I got down to the important stuff. I hinted to my cousin that I was interested in obtaining information on the origins of The Leeuloop. Well that was that! I didn't have to go any further. It t turns out that she is friends with the guy that INVENTED the fucking Leeuloop - Tommy. Yup, that's right! Tommy invented the Leeuloop! He was even featured in the Huisgenoot (the tabloid-ish magazine that was eventually translated into English in the form of "You" magazine. One cannot describe the journalism found in this publication).
Robbie Wessels, featured singing The Leeuloop in this Vodacom ad below, actually GOT the concept for his song FROM Tommy. So Robbie did the lyrics and the music and the song ABOUT the Leeuloop, but Tommy actually CAME UP WITH The Leeuloop. I trust you're all with me at this stage.
Robbie Wessels sings Die Leeuloop on the now banned Vodacom ad
I was told that, although Tommy feels he is due some form of royalties from Robbie (Robbie's CD's have sold beautifully now that the Vodacom ad has been banned), that certainly hasn't stopped him from doing a roaring (ahem) trade in the form of appearances and, in particular, performing the actual Leeuloop in and around the Parys region.
Tommy - invented "Die Leeuloop"
I asked my cousin to get hold of Tommy and tell him that we would pay him a grand to do the leeuloop at a bar that we were heading to that evening. Always the professional, Tommy arrived dead on time and performed his birthright to a rapturous response. Click these images to fully taste the experience. Second pic is NSFW.
Tommy - doing what he does best
CLICK IMAGE
You might have to scrub your eyeballs after seeing this one
CLICK IMAGE
You just can't repeat evenings like that. Tommy's highlight was followed up with the DJ playing our National Anthem (just the Afrikaans part of the anthem, naturally) and we toasted each other with a shot of "melk tert" (milk tart). These Milk Tarts (in liquid form, like milk, and served as a shooter) taste EXACTLY the same as a real milk tart (one of my favourites baked desserts) and are even served with a sprinkling of cinnamon on the top (a finishing touch found on real baked milk tarts). They taste great and, after four or five, you won't know where you are. If anyone out there has the recipe for these shooters, please let me know.
A fellow patron
Apart from spending time with the Parys Mafia and enjoying the sun and river, I took some snaps around the town.
Parys has it's fair share of nice guys. Nice, clean guys. Like these two, for example:
Nice guy.
Just chilling against the wall outside the Spar.
Please enjoy our dyed hair.
VERY nice guy! Complete with wooden crucifix.
Could you look after my kids for a couple of hours, nice clean man?
Seeing really is believing, so I thought I would end off with some more interesting pics. Thanks to the town of Parys and to the Parys Mafia for the hospitality shown during my Leeuloop investigation. And, of course, thank you Tommy for your genius.
Yes, it's true
The new Honda Goldwing with aircon, CD shuttle, satellite navigation,
heated seats, heated grips, foot warmers, airbags,
cruise control, and three wheels (all true)
COMPLETELY over the top. I want one anyway.
As Camps Bay hosts an addictive blend of sport, alcohol and sex [permalink]
If you missed Caprice and Camps Bay on Saturday, consider yourself unlucky. As a gift to their 30 most regular clients (and, coincidentally it seems, their most good looking), Dave and the team at Cappers arranged a Volleyball tournament on the beach with a large supply of free alcohol and food.
Home sweet home
I settled into a quiet lunch at Caprice as the mayhem ensued on the beach. When the third report arrived at the table with reference to the "five fucking hot Brazilians", I knew I couldn't hold back much longer.
I braved Victoria road and descended upon Camps Bay beach.
Oozing..
Spike it
Good heavens! What a scene! Bodies, booze and happiness EVERYWHERE! Spectators cruised between the volleyball, tanning, swimming and the on-the-beach bar that Caprice had somehow managed to organise.
I think I know a tired little boy
Whilst everyone gave it their best shot, no-one could stop the power and punch of "The Free Tequila's", a team headed up by Christine Leigh. Pipping Malibu in the final assured them of the the title! Congratulations!
And lastly, Thanks to Angie from the AWOL side for adding a very special and welcomed G.I. Jane element to the day. Bless you, angel.
This week's Sunday Times most hilarious sentence. [permalink]
I do hope everyone had their Sunday Times strewn around their homes today. We had a little treat from Paddy Harper.
Post early-morning beach session (that's a lie - I woke up late after bending it like Beckham at Hemisphere last night with the return of the Fabrics Guy), I lit the coals and spent the better part of this glorious day at the Paris Hilton house in Bantry Bay with Dora, the English angel who has been coming round for lessons.
Dora insisted that I publish this photo that she took, as she continues
to document my every move in an attempt to get inside my mind.
The Sunday Times was read during the course of the day as a sideshow to the swimming, tanning, champagne, taramosalata and bouts of meat turning. As a result, bits of it can be found in all areas of the house, inside and out, with the section featuring today's treat right here next to me!
Paddy Harper was writing today about our boy Schabir Shaik's demeanor, upon surrendering himself for the start of his jail sentence. A possible hangover (or simply the ability to combine genius and bullshit), has resulted in an analogy that sent me from my chair to the floor in a fit of laughter.
The second paragraph of Paddy's "Swagger nowhere to be seen" article on page 4 of today's Sunday Times produced this little gem:
"The disgraced former Nkobi Group boss, whose corruption and fraud convictions were confirmed by the Supreme Court of Appeal on Monday, had the look of a man who had been hit hard on the head with a stick"
HE HAD THE LOOK OF A MAN WHO HAD BEEN HIT HARD ON THE HEAD WITH A STICK!!!
Not only did Paddy's guy get hit on the head, but he was hit HARD on the head, WITH A FUCKING STICK!
ON THE HEAD!
HARD!
Jesus, Paddy, you are OUT OF CONTROL!! Not just that, you're fucking hysterical!
Whilst I am sure we would initially agree that this utterance has come from the mouth of a budget journalist, I want to give Harps the benefit of the doubt. Please Paddy, tell me you were just fucking around when you wrote that - 'cos that's the kind of shit that comes as a result of being a bona fide Spice Master.
A stick.
Similar to the one used to hit Shaik hard on the head
I do hope Shaik never reads the article as Paddy punishes him so hard that he'll feel like he has been hit over the head with ANOTHER stick.
Congratulations to MNET for winning this week's "Sunday Night 8 o' Clock Movie War".
Pitt and Jolie's "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" will completely overshadow e-TV's "A Knight's Tale" which is all they had to bring to the party this week.
e-TV are obviously still reeling from the incredible recent balls up which saw them introducing a "Jean-Claude Van Damme Festival" for the month of October. To see them come back after that with A Knight's Tale, when up against Mr. and Mrs. Smith, is inexcusable.
Fact. Citing "Irreconcilable Differences". No mention of whores [permalink]
Ahh, what a wonderful feeling. White trash aside and irrelevant of her current physical state of affairs, the world is a better place without Britters being married to rat-face.
Britney with that bastard
Good-bye, Kevin - my little opportunist. You were an emboerrissment from the start, but now you will be even more fun to watch. Your performances are constantly greeted by boos and we can only pray to God that you continue your path of self destruction. A smart man would commit suicide at this stage. Simple deduction confirms this won't be the case with you.
Britters has the best lawyer in town who handled the likes of Angelina and has a pre-nup that would make a grown man cry. Please try and fight her, Kevin. Please.
And now we pause and think back to the day the 17-year-old Britney Spears performed "Baby one more time" on David Letterman. I get goose bumps thinking back to those days. I wanted her inside me. Herewith, a video to remind you how easy things were for Britney and planet earth at the time.
As we continue our supermodel theme, I must make mention of the fact that Petra Nemcova is very much an honourary member of 2oceansvibe - ever since I had that now-famous phone call from the Czech beauty who is now boning James Blunt. Actually, I think it's over now. Yes, it is. This article confirms that our boy has been a bit too haphazard with the spreading of his seed.
And so, it is with raptures of joy that I welcome Petra Nemcova to our fourth Tuesday Tabs celebration. Congratulations, Pezza! On behalf of the 2oceansvibe readers I would like to thank you for your perfectly structured body.
God bless.
Click each pic to remove Francois Pienaar and enjoy Petra Nemcova (NSFW)
The Showroom restaurant review at number 1 in under a week [permalink]
Furthering our strangle-hold on Murdoch's News Corp, another 2oceansvibe review has been ranked at number one position on Google - a search engine on the so called "internet".
Punishes himself at this year's MTV VMA's [permalink]
I am happy to report that Kanye West completely and utterly emboerrissed himself on Friday at the MTV Video Music Awards. He didn't win the award and busted onto the stage, ranting and raving, whilst his victors (Justice vs Simian) gave their acceptance speeches. Why must he punish himself like that? That is SUCH self-punishment - to a level I never thought attainable.
Please enjoy this:
Amazing
Oh my God, it's too much. .
What
a
tit
In case you struggled to hear him through his haze of cocaine, this is a transcript of what he said:
"Fuck this! My video cost a million dollars. Pamela Anderson was in it, I was jumping across canyons and shit! If I don't win, the awards show loses credibility. Nothing against you (Justice Vs Simian), but hell man … I haven't seen (the Justice and Simian video). Possibly it could have been quite good, but no way better than Touch The Sky ... That is complete bullshit, I paid a million. Obviously it's not all about the money, but the response it got transcended everything, it really made great TV. It took a month to film; I stood on a mountain; I flew a helicopter over Vegas. I did it to be the king of all videos and I wanted to walk home with that award."
You enjoy this story don't you? Yes you do. But you feel like something is wrong. You feel as though something is missing from the story. I will tell you what that something is. You want to see the winning video.
Well here it is.
This will probably add vinegar to Kanye's paper-cut wound. The winning video by Justice vs Simian.
The "Proteas" is actually a thinly diguised swear word [permalink]
It is today that brings this week's '2oceansvibe Good Humour Award', which goes to this team of jesters. As you can see they each had letters spray-painted on their shirts in support of our PROTEAS cricket side. This is where the genius kicks in. The girls bend forward and hide their letters, revealing one of South Africa's favourite swear words, POES. I had no idea that there was a swear word lurking inside the name of our national cricket side. I am VERY impressed.
Oh, very good work, boys and girls
I like it, guys. Simple, but hilarious. Like the sausage/penis joke.
Sausage/Penis joke: Anytime you are with the boys and there is an item that would make a hilarious looking penis (virtually anything), pick it up and hold it in front of you like you would a penis. Call the boys to "QUICKLY CHECK IT OUT" and wag it around. Everyone MUST pretend to be genuinely laughing - like it's the funniest thing ever.
That is good humour.
(Works VERY well with cocktail sausages at social events. Don't be shy to call a friend from across the room to look. He can stay where he is, as long as he laughs hysterically at it with cries of "brilliant" and "genius" from the other side of the room).
Although I have no post-Billy Joel concert headache (writeup to come at some stage I'm sure) or hangover, my head is completely misty and my body is numb as the Essentiale's do a dance inside my body with Grandpa headache powders and Berocca-C. The Rescue anxiety pills add a smoothness to all of this that is quite hard to put into words.
Baby Jesus and Dom (AKA Goldfish) are giving Dubai an absolute treat on Friday and Saturday. Click flyer below to get details.
Goldfish tear Dubai apart
My Mother is sitting in front of me waiting to take me to lunch at theshowroom so this article has to stop right here. Click that flyer. Follow the instructions and give Baby Jesus and Dom a high five from me. Seriously, mention 2oceansvibe to them and they'll probably give you one of the blowjobs that they often receive from groupies after gigs.
Can the hysteria and excitement be repeated? Most definitely! [permalink]
You're probably still hearing stories from last year's Bunker Boy Classic. Held annually in Hermanus, there is no Golfing event that can eclipse the overwhelming sense of excitement and achievement that one takes away from this particular event.
It's too easy
This year, however, there is a construction orgasm taking place at the Hermanus Golf Club (The BBC's spiritual home) and things have had to be moved to the Kleinmond Golf Club, just next door.
Quietly
The legendary prize giving function and fines meeting will be held at the gecko Bar in Hermanus at 17h00 the same night (4 November) and, once again, you may bring your partner...
But it doesn't stop there. The classic is a whole weekend function.
Friday 3 November : Welcome Spit Braai and Draw.
Saturday 4 November: Bunker Boy Classic and Prize Giving Function.
For those playing golf for a mere R500, you will receive the following package:
Dinner Friday night
Green Fees and Half Way
Finger Supper Saturday night
A 2006 Bunker Boy Premium Golf Shirt to wear to the BBC
A goodie bag PACKED to the brim with giveaways.
I'm not sure that one would ever want more than that in one's life. And we didn't even mention that you will also be afforded the opportunity to enjoy Rob Fleck (front on AND profile) for the entire weekend. You've seen it from far - but now you'll get ringside!
I was thinking of giving you an entry form to fill out but thought it would be FAR easier to use the little loophole I have found and do the following:
Quite simply.... call Mike on 083 264 1427 and he will sort EVERYTHING OUT!
We don't want to incriminate our two sources but we have been made aware of two major changes of two companies.
Some good news and some bad news.
Congratulations are in order!
But first, the GOOD NEWS! The corporate one-dimensional animal that is the Old Mutual seem to have liberated their staff and a possible glitch has allowed their staff access to 2oceansvibe. Once again, the caged staff of the great South African red-tape manufacturers are able to indulge in Cape Town's true heart beat, YOUR 2oceansvibe. Welcome back, Old Mutual! It seems Big Brother has decided that your existence will be furthered by this exposure. Could it be, perhaps, that they have realised that your blank expressions when asked for comment on all-important 2oceansvibe topical conversation is leaving you/them red-faced? Possibly. Either way, we are ecstatic at your return. Make yourselves at home. It always was your home, before you were kidnapped and placed under floorboards. (Granted, I do have several Cambodian 10-year-olds under my very own floorboards, but, let's face it, they ARE churning out very necessary flip-flops for the upcoming season in Cape Town).
And now, the BAD NEWS.
Sadly though, a more 'trendy', 'cool', 'ear-to-the-ground' company, Forwardslash , whose slogan happens to be "Reach out and explore" (puh!) has now BANNED their staff from access to the place everyone calls home, 2oceansvibe. What a sad state of affairs. Who would have thought that a modern-media company such as Forwardslash would join the ranks of the cubicle-corporate conglomerates and ban them from such necessity, whilst still allowing them access to the likes of IOL and NEWS24 where their minds are poisoned with murder, rape, theft, bribery, starvation and crime in general. Amazing that this kind of access is seen in a better light than the odd 'fuck' or 'shit' found on this family website.
Another TBG (Tall Blonde Guy) sighting, another small piece of insight into the world of a man who has graced Cape Town with his great presence and his great aura, that seems to encapsulate our every waking moment. To be closer to finding out what makes the Great Spirit tick, can only bring us closer to a more fulfilling existence.
This, the latest TBG sighting, from one Camilla H:
The birthday girl gets her birthday wish
I spotted TBG on Friday night at Roosevelts. I was not 100% sober and my senses were definitely not fully alert. He was chatting up two gorgeous ladies when I approached him (respect). After initial reluctance and eyeball rolling he agreed to have a picture with me as it was my birthday. I know at least a third of the people at the club were 2oceansvibe readers and I believe I was the only person to be granted this privilege. He held himself with the dignity and aplomb you would expect from any local celebrity. I had a fantastic birthday but meeting the TBG was the highlight and a truly unforgettable experience. Let this be a lesson to all those losers who chose to frequent lesser nightclubs/sweatpits after dinner in favour of a mingling with beautiful people, listening to great music and sipping rohypnol-free cocktails in town. YOU LOST OUT!
Camilla H
Absolutely AWESOME, Camilla! JUST LOOK AT HIM! So relaxed, so REAL....and yet...so far away. And what safer place to be from the grips of rohypnol than in the grips of the enigma that is the TBG.
Those last two Billy Joel golden circle tickets were sold early this morning. Sorry to those of you who missed it or didn't bid high enough. Don't be sad. It's not COMPLETELY over for you!
Never fear! We have just received ANOTHER THREEGOLDEN CIRCLE TICKETS for tomorrow night's concert in Cape Town at the Bellville Velodrome. Our source for these three new tickets is happy with R1,000 a ticket.
So there you go! There will be no auction for these tickets. The first people to come forward will get the ticket. Email to editor@2oceansvibe.com with the subject "Billy Joel".
31 October, 2006 - The Showroom restaurant Cape Town
THE SHOWROOM GETS FULL MARKS
Cape Town's hottest ticket fails to disappoint [permalink]
Ladies and gentlemen, I am happy to announce that genuine international five-star dining is now available right here, in Cape Town. "theshowroom" (actual spelling) restaurant in Green Point seems to understand that a full dining experience takes more than just a good view. These guys have even cottoned onto the concept of "service". How novel.
I am always annoyed when I get asked if I have experienced something, when I haven't. I've been getting it quite regularly for two completely different things. I was asked over 300 times if I've watched the movie "The Devil Wears Prada" and the annoyance of having to continuously reply in the negative necessitated a solo Sunday morning viewing at the Waterfront. I loved it. It's fucking brilliant. Watch it. Seriously. I fucking loved it. The second constant question I was being asked was whether or not I had dined at theshowroom. I kept saying no, until I realised that it wasn't going away.
Show room this.
Show room that.
"ANGEL! Let's get a table at theshowroom, for God's sake!"
I didn't have any background to the restaurant (or probably didn't listen when I was told) and only realised it's unique location when I got there. The restaurant is on one side of the Bloomsbury "investment cars" (whatever) luxury vehicle showroom. At the bottom of Harbour Edge in town next to Cape Town's infamous unfinished flyover.
I like the heart rate monitor in the background .
Oh! I get it!
Showroom.
Like a show room.
Ok.
Good.
I must say, what is in essence the height of ostentatiousness, it (the venue and concept of having full view of R3million motor vehicles whilst indulging in top-end cuisine) is both brilliant and hilarious. It reminds me of my eight foot mounted poster of Paris Hilton I have in the Bantry Bay house. Such open flagrant celebration of the queen of superficial allows me to get away with being shallow. It actually indicates how deep I am. I am deep enough to know that I am shallow. Similar vibe...
Seth is deep enough to know that he is shallow
Back to theshowroom..... The small, split-level, white-on-white, mod 60-seater has got the mix just right. Obviously intending to create a local variation of the UK's celebrity chef culture (God help us), owner and chef, Bruce Robertson, (who decided that his full signature should form part of the logo as well as embossed on the menus) operates from a minute open kitchen in the downstairs section of the restaurant. I didn't spot any tantrums and the vibe between the staff in the kitchen is quite marvelous to watch. No one more so than Robertson's sidekick, the impressive Leigh Trout (I know) who bobs and weaves around his mentor like a shadow boxer in the ring - pure entertainment, keep an eye on him.
The show from the kitchen forms a minor part of the overall experience which Robertson has managed to tie together perfectly. Flawless presentation aside, the food will awaken your taste buds from their slumber and challenge them to a life of being better taste buds. I had the oysters to start which Blues Restaurant might want to have a look at. The menu is created around a large range of sauces, each of which add a unique taste explosion to your main dish. I ordered the springbok shank and went for the Chakalaka sauce. Sensational! My fellow diners all insisted that their particular choices HAD to be the best thing they had ever tasted. I am troubled by the daunting task of now having to try every dish on the menu, using every sauce combination. Seriously, it might have to be done.
From the smiles on the faces and the product knowledge and advice, it is quite obvious that the staff (thank you, Romy) have undergone real training. I use the word 'real' because Wafu restaurant (above and part of Wakame in Mouille Point) use the word 'training' and 'trained' incredibly loosely. Wessel at The Winchester Mansions in Sea Point has also apparently been 'trained'. Whatever, guys. Pop into theshowroom for some lessons.
Keep it up, Bruce and co., you've got it right.
This week sees them serving tables amongst the actual cars at Bloomsbury. I'm booked for Thursday lunch. Can't wait.
theshowroom
10 Hospital Street
Harbour Edge
Green Point
(If you don't have satellite navigation in your car (quite blind) then just turn right at your first traffic lights as you enter Somerset Road from Buitengracht.)
Call them on +27 (0)21 421 4682
Anymore than that I can't help you.
I mean.....really. I can't hold your fucking hand here.
