2oceans Vibe

My friends look at my work and the cars I get to drive and they are generally jealous. Sure, it is a privilege to drive so many cars from so many manufacturers and never have to worry about fuel or insurance or tyres or any of that bothersome nonsense that comes with car ownership. Typically, everybody remembers that time when I had the brand new Audi R8 for a week, but nobody remembers when I had to drive a bog-standard Chevy Spark for 9 days. Yeesh.

Changing a tyre involves more swearing, cursing and scraped knuckles than a bar fight between 500 drunken racehorse owners. It’s something that one day we will all have to face. So you’d think car makers would make it easy. You’d be wrong. Very wrong.

They’re a generous lot, Mr Daniel’s henchmen, and over the next few weeks they’ll be running a competition where you can win a brand new, customised 2011 Ford Mustang GT500 Shelby. We’ll break that down in just a moment. The good news is, I’ve just driven the thing. And it is marvelous.

I think it’s incredibly easy to forget that we are living through one of the great technological revolutions in human history. And the car is of course well and truly part of that revolution. Yesterday I sampled what might be one of the most advanced cars on the road today, and to be honest, I’m not sold.

One of the reasons I love driving cars from all over the world is that I wrongly or rightly approach the vehicle with the stereotype of the people who made it clouding my judgement. It’s fun. And with the French, there is a veritable cheese platter of character traits from which to choose.

Bakkies might be sneakily becoming the new SUVs of our day. They come under a lot less GreenPeace-fire than big luxury 4x4s, and rightly so. They’ve got great diesel engines which are not only powerful but incredibly frugal to boot, and because the load bay is lined with melted rubber instead of the wool of rare sheep, you don’t mind getting it a bit dirty. I just can’t decide if this is a good thing.

I was chatting about this with a good acquaintance last night who used to own a Mercedes AMG, and had since toned his taste down a bit because he had had a massive crash and didn’t want to own fast cars anymore. He said he’d kill himself yadda yadda. That logic is ridiculous, and I told him so.

At the risk of sounding like a complete kill-joy, I just need to clear this up. I don’t mind a quick flurry on a console every once in a while, but I just can’t stand it when it’s referred to as driving or driving simulation. It’s like saying a war game is war simulation. I imagine if you asked anybody who’s actually been in a war what they think of Call of Duty 4, they will tell you to politely sod off. I imagine if you ask a racing driver what he thinks of Need For Speed 13, he will say the same thing.

Like a hipster to a Sunday clothing market at an art-house cinema, many, many car enthusiasts are drawn to the vintage car market. It’s a wonderful place. Searching for that rare MG convertible, finding an example that still goes and stops without endangering your life, and taking it home to care for it and love it for the rest of your days is… The worst idea you will ever have. And I’ll tell you why. Vintage cars are shit.

I am concerned. There’s an alarming trend that I’ve noticed, and it’s all getting a bit out of control. Every new generation of vehicles emerges fatter than the last. I drove a new Opel Astra last month which barely scraped into my garage. An Astra. It’s hardly a monster truck. Yet every new property development I’ve encountered is essentially a maze of shoeboxes. Are we forgetting the ultimate luxury?

Look, I’m no expert here, on either subject, but it’s my job to talk about cars. It’s safe to say I may have bored a few people over the years, so I’ve put together a handy guide to avoiding that. As a car enthusiast, or petrol-head if you must, you will have to talk about the object of your desires with the women you desire. Don’t cock it up.

One of the many perks of writing is the freedom to grace an article with the headline it deserves. Many media outlets have covered this story, but nobody has called it what it is. Every single one of us who buys a new car in South Africa today is being screwed. It’s called a Green Tax, and it is a monumental rip off.

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In my humble opinion, Formula One is a sport unparalleled in prestige, tradition, wealth, gamesmanship, sportsmanship and simple, old fashioned bravado. Sure, it’s had its low moments over the years, but name me a sport which hasn’t. The thing is, all this doesn’t automatically mean good entertainment. However in 2011, they really have got it right. Here’s why.

A car launch is a wonderful thing, and I do my utmost to appreciate every aspect of it. The flights, the airport lounges, the car itself, the expensive hotel, the expensive food, and then all of that repeated on day two. And every now and then a manufacturer will just fire the accountant and go nuts. Which, I imagine, is exactly what I’ve just experienced on the national launch of the BMW 6-Series Convertible.

Ciro De Siena “works” as a car journalist. Sure, it’s tough to view driving a different car every week and writing about it as work, but it’s not all Bentleys and Champagne, he assures us. Every week he’ll review whatever it is that happens to be in his driveway, starting today with the Audi TT-RS, a manic version of your estate agent’s company car.