The Malawian government has had enough of people farting wherever they want. Malawian lawmakers will next week debate a law change that will make letting one rip in public a criminal offence. They’re not trying to be funny – they just want people to fart in toilets. They’ll get around to delivering those toilets when they’ve sorted out the farting.

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The British may have invented the missionary position but boy do they deserve credit for the latest kinky curio to celebrate their Royals. Self proclaimed leading supplier of heritage prophylactics, Crown Jewels Condoms Of Distinction, produced and already sold 1 000 purple boxes of condoms featuring a picture of Prince William staring lovingly into Kate’s eyes. Tasty.

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In November ’09, Aids activist group Treatment Action Campaign (TAC) launched a campaign to remove an ad on ETV by the Christ Embassy church. In the ad the church claims they cure Aids. This week, finally, the Advertising Standards Authority (ASA) managed to force ETV to pull the ad. A little too late as it turns out.

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If you see powder falling from your roses this Valentine’s Day don’t assume it’s pollen – it’s probably cocaine. Smugglers in South America are head over heels about this time of year when they can hide their product in tons of roses heading for the overseas market. Border Control is trying to keep up but it’s tough – those roses have thorns.

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Well it looks like the new Durex six-pack falls way short for a sexually active syndicate operating in Indo. A group of sex hungry thieves pounced on a container in Malaysia en route to Tokyo, busted the lock and made off with, I would say, more than enough merchandise. Then again, who am I to speak on the libido of people in the Far East?

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World Wide Worx, the research company with their fingers on the pulse of SA’s cell phone data usage habits has ascertained, with careful research and tireless data sifting that, yes, Twitter is the next big thing. They estimate that at least 1 million South Africans are “using the service”.

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If you still haven’t registered that long planned imtheshit.com address, I’m sorry. You’re shit out of luck. All available internet addresses are down to five blocks of 16 million each. These are expected to run out by September. Billions worldwide still haven’t registered internet addresses. We live on the southern tip of Africa. You do the math.

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The Karoo is seeing a lot of action lately. Just the other day the semi-arid wonderland saw off some cult defectives now every major gas company with a drill wants a piece. Companies are lining up to upend most of the Karoo in search of shale gas. Shale gas is the latest “it” gas in the energy game and the Karoo has a lot of it.

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Ja, so apparently Julian Assange travelled in drag to hide from people after him. The 1.8m super spy liked to dress up as an old woman to effortlessly glide through the world’s airports with that funny walk of his. Sometimes he’d stay in disguise for much longer than was needed. The way you hide from government “spooks” says a lot about your personality.

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Our Dear Leader’s son/amorphous bag of goo/successor has taken the next great step towards ruling North Korea – he bought himself a furry hat just like his dad’s. It’s not any old hat. The Fargo inspired accessory is made of otter fur by the hands of a master craftsman. Only if you’re very serious about ruling North Korea do you get to wear one of these.

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If Charlie Sheen carries on like this I’m making a shrine for him on my wall. 36 hours of coke and vodka until your stomach pushes through your oesophagus. This is the work of a superhuman. Charlie’s in rehab now, but I’m sure it’s only a break. Superhumans also detox.

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For two days all we heard from Milpark Hospital was how family members of Nelson Mandela arrived in droves. Hundreds, nay thousands, of words were churned out keeping us up to date on the state of journalists converging on a bridge. Not one word was issued describing how Mandela was doing. Why was the public draped in silence?

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Unrest in the Ivory Coast is making it impossible to live there let alone farm cocoa. Now, half the world’s cocoa comes from the Ivory Coast. Which means half the world’s chocolate comes from the Ivory Coast. We can absolutely not get by with half the world producing the whole world’s chocolate. Absolutely not.

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The new Larry King and TV’s most famous petrol head are at it again trading blows in public. Piers cordially invited Jeremy to join him for a chat on CNN. Jeremy said no ways not even if they record the show in his back garden. Piers hit back and called Jeremy an “ageing pot-bellied Brit”. It’s a middle-aged slam down.

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You gotta love the happy clappy church. They’re happy and they’re clapping about it. Sometimes they get so happy they hit the floor and convulse. That’s a lot of happy. Now watch what happens when you take all that happiness and put a funky drum ‘n’ bass beat underneath it. Who’s willing to go crazy? Is everybody readyyyyyyy!

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Building on the solid foundation laid by her meat dresses, Lady Gaga will be launching a fragrance that captures the essence of blood and semen. Yup, blood and semen. Those two. In a dark and sweaty club I can see this working. It’s edgy. In the workplace? No. Go wash man, you smell like a crime scene.

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On Sunday residents in Manenberg Avenue started hearing voices coming from the ground. Initially it looked like nine boys made a drain their new home. That quickly changed to three boys and a girl. At one point 15 kids were believed to be in the drain. Currently no one knows what’s going on down there.

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Nic Dawes, editor of local investigative news publication, the Mail & Guardian, has said that the paper’s website, MG.co.za, is the victim of sustained organised hacking attempts.

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A dyslexic individual hacked into Mark Zuckerberg’s Facebook profile and posted his philanthropic thoughts on how the site should distribute wealth. Facebook quickly deleted the page and has not commented on the matter. Give up all their money for social good? Not going to happen.

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There’s this billboard in Albert Road, Woodstock that smacks of brilliance the first time you read it. It’s a pro bono piece done in bold, black letters and probably took the creators all of 10 minutes to produce. It looks authentic. Like some passer by grabbed a cokie and scribbled what’s on their mind. Turns out hipsters did it.

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Oprah Winfrey had all of America giddy yesterday when she finally revealed the “miracle of miracles” she’s been hyping for a while now. The big woo ha? She has a half-sister the same full size as herself. Named Patricia for now, Oprah’s half-sis hails from Milwaukee and loves the media mogul’s new network launched recently. Publicity stunt with a p, right?

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Keep your shirt on. No really, keep it on. Apparently people start undressing in the presence of TV’s nip and tuck butcher hoping he’ll dish out some advice. Thankfully this didn’t happen at the Houghton Golf Estate Saturday night where he spoke to some plastic fans. The well-mannered crowd did hang onto his lips though. Their own aching for a refill.

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It’s Monday so why not watch this girl take in a cubic meter of helium and pass out? There’s a beautiful moment where it looks like she’s seeing visions but then things get out of hand and she connects with some furniture. Maybe she saw P Divvy, the original helium sucker, and just couldn’t take it. Maybe she’s just a lightweight. Don’t try this at home – go to the Spur.

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George Clooney travelled to Sudan recently to promote peace and love and things and came back with malaria. George becomes the first celebrity to contract malaria while on a cause. Angelina Jolie always makes sure she has repellent and Bob Geldof is said to have a fierce fetish for mosquito nets. This is George’s second bout of malaria. Twice bitten, once shy. Or is it the other way around?

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