Why would you risk it?
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We've seen a number of embarrassing moments at Caprice, when it comes to the yellow-marked handicapped zone in front of the main entrance. My personal favourite being the time a troop of slicksters emerged from a brand spanking new black Mercedes-Benz. The driver was stopped by another patron as they made their way into the cafe/bar.

"Awesome car!" the patron commented to the leader of the group.

"Hey thanks man!" gave the illegally parked driver.

"Oh, one more thing... which one of you are handicapped?"

It was too emboerrissing for words, with a number of muffled guffaws from other tables - a result of the alarming levels of sophistication currently on display. Proof that money can't buy class.

Whilst I certainly might be a candidate to buy a Lamborghini at some stage of the game, I will probably take care of where I park. People look at Lamborghinis ALL the time, whether they are driving passed or parking. Thus making it the most unsubtle car to illegally park in a handicapped zone. Especially at the entrance of a landmark restaurant in the absolute hotspot of one of the planet's most desired cities.

The handicapped zone
A test of ignorance

The driver was warned by a Caprice staff member and he confirmed that he wouldn't be staying long.

Shame, not two minutes later a lawman arrived, as our boy proceeded to argue the case in front of everyone and had to standby as the cop wrote out a ticket and ordered him to remove the car. It was like a scripted life lesson video - the kind you'd show to a group of kids as an example of karma and how to behave, socially.

*sigh*
 

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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Don't exist
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It is with some amusement that I read the words "Private Number" or "Unknown" on my cellphone's display. The phone is set to 'silent', returned to it's previous position and ignored. Unknown numbers will, quite simply, not be answered. Ever. The non-answering of these calls has become something of second nature to me. It's honestly reached a point that I don't even know that I'm doing it. Like changing gears in a car. That's how real the situation is. It's like the call never occurred.

And let me tell you this as well, secret person, you can ring back as many times as you want and I swear to God nothing is going to change. If you INSIST on using a hidden number then the only form of communication will have to, and can only be in the form of a message. You can choose not to leave a message as many times as you fucking want and you know what? Nothings going to change, Freak Show.

The Maasai people are not scared of
taking calls from Private Numbers

I was chatting to The Lawyer about this and she confessed that she is prone to taking even more extreme measures. She turns on them like an Alsation and presses the red phone instead of the green phone - killing the call - not even letting them get to the voicemail message. She fucking punishes them. Ring-ring... RED PHONE...BANG!...FUCK YOU! Callers are left with the dull pain one feels when a ringing phone sound turns into a busy signal - knowingly dealt by the would-be answerer..

..and then they call again.

"RING-RING"

[RED BUTTON] - BANG! FUCK YOU!

"RING-RI.."

[RED BUTTON] - WHAMMO! FUCK OFF!

"RING"

[RED BUTTON] - BAH! DIE!

"R"

[RED BUTTON] - BANG! And punished!


It's not to do with being a tit, it's merely the insane risk of taking a call that just doesn't fit the current situation. I mean...Jesus.....are you fucking high?

Friends can call and their names will come up and the call could still be ignored. It's nothing nasty - clearly you're busy. The beauty of this is they don't even have to leave a message. They know that the situation wasn't ideal and they know you'll probably call them back. And if you don't, it means you forgot and that they should try again later. There's no malice involved. So that's all pretty easy to deal with and understand. But an unknown number could very easily be some cock from FNB telling you that you have been pre-approved for a.... FUCK OFF! Cock!

I can hear some of you whining that your company's switchboard shows up as a private number and there is nothing you can do about it. Ok. Good. We've already covered that. Leave a message.

Ok, so are we clear?

Good.

That's all I really wanted to say right now.

Good luck with that Private Number of yours. I wish you two all the best.

"I called yesterday but you didn't answer"

"Did you leave a message"

"No"

"Good"
 

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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For the LAST time now - LOUD AND CLEAR
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You know, just when I thought everyone knew the rules, some arsehole always seems to phone about business, or schedule a meeting, after one o' clock on a Friday.

Absolutely bizarre! Who ARE these people?

Can't you see everything work related ceases to exist after one on a Friday? Can't you see that even the "working" Capetonians drink beers at their desks from one on a Friday?

Here is an idea of things to do on a Friday. Have a look at these pics taken last week when the ocean forgot how to make waves for five days.
(With apologies to the ex-pats)

Back to the story. I'm talking about those guys who like to pretend. You know the ones I'm talking about. Those 'meeting hunters' who feel that nothing can be accomplished without a physical hour together. They duck and dive and cheat and lie to trick you into having a meeting. But that's not the end of it - they've got your hand and they're not stopping till they rip the whole fucking arm off.

"Hey Seth! I was thinking we should have that meeting we chatted about towards the end of the week. How does that sound?".

[I'm already quite edgy at the mention of the words "towards the end of the week". To be QUITE honest, I personally can't find a more comfortable time than 10h30 on a Tuesday for a 40 minute meeting]

"Umm, ja.....cool....I suppose. When were you thinking?", I stutter.

[I use a tone of voice that, I hope ,indicates how HORRIFICALLY awkward I am feeling. My tone of voice could probably be compared to that of a 10 year old boy boy reluctantly agreeing with a priest that playing with his penis is a good idea]

"Well, I was thinking three o' clock on Friday"

[Sweet Mary, Mother of God. Is this guy on crack?]

"I beg your pardon", I allow him to rethink.

Our boy is clueless, "I said three on Friday is looking good for me", he repeats.

WELL ITS NOT LOOKING GOOD FOR ME, FUCK NUT!

And so we are forced to lie about a conference that is going on "the whole of Friday". Shame on you for making me lie!

I don't know who these people are and I don't know what they're trying to prove, but no-one is impressed. Maybe they're new in town and they haven't heard about the rule. Maybe they're from Jo'burg and they're trying to show us how HARD and LATE they work. Well I am VERY impressed! You guys work VERY hard, now get me a gin and tonic with a twist of lime.

If you MUST have a meeting on a Friday, the only one you can do is the one at 10h30 at Caprice. That's the one that goes on until the sun sets. Chat about business for ten minutes, then relax-ay-vu. In fact, I think that is what I''m supposed to be doing with James Stewart tomorrow. We're collaborating on a new album.

Are we on, Jammo?

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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Some of them are unaware.....
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I went to test drive a bottle of rosé at Caprice this evening. I was expecting something special but, instead, I got the view you see below. I have always been careful not to punish the ill-informed - but then there is another, rather prominent side of me that wants to punish those who suffer from ill-logic. Take for example my friend here - Mr. Four by Four.

Sigh. ...Shame....

Above waist height - an absolute NO-NO in front of Caprice

Now, it doesn't take a genius to work out that a 4X4 vehicle can very easily get in the way. Those familiar with the Caprice layout (in Camps Bay, Cape Town - with respect to our readers from Pluto) will agree that there is a very clear line of sight when in and outside of Caprice. Regulars will be aware that there is a handicap parking zone directly outside the entrance with a legal parking spot just next to it - stretching to the corner of the curb. Whilst some people do make the error of parking in the handicap zone (we can do nothing about these people - they come from another breeding pool), there are others who believe that the other (legal) parking place (directly in front of Cappers) is fine. Let me take this opportunity to inform you that IT IS NOT, just, FINE. How can you POSSIBLY not realise that your mammoth, long-wheel-base-man-car might be ruining MANY people's afternoons/evenings? Were you HONESTLY unaware? Are you kidding? How is that possible? I drive a fairly decent semi-sporty two door car and I can confidently declare that I have never parked in that particular spot !!!! In a two door - Let alone a moon vehicle!

To clear everything up (before I COMPLETELY lose my mind), whilst I may come across as materialistic and pretentious, it is an unspoken rule that this spot is only to be used by Ferrari's and Lamborghini's. These two brands of car, whilst hot and slick and pretty, just HAPPEN to be of average waist height - thus conducive to sunsets and views at Caprice - something which MR FOUR BY FUCKING FOUR SEEMED TO HAVE NEGLECTED TO REALISE. (That's right, investing in a Ferrari gets you the coke-whore AND the cool parking spot - everyone's a winner!)

So before everybody thinks it is COOL to park in front of Caprice.....it is NOT COOL AT ALL. But it is FINE in a Ferrari or a Lamborghini - PURELY BECAUSE OF THE VIEW. - Don't get confused... and don't be an idiot.
GOSH!

You IDIOT !!!!!

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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