And now, the Hollywood fantasy will become a reality for both guys and girls as Safe House comes to cinemas across South Africa. Check out the trailer!

Shot in Cape Town – and yes, that refers to both the gun-slinging action and the fact that this eagerly anticipated movie was filmed mostly on location in the gorgeous Mother City – Safe House stars Ryan Reynolds and Denzel Washington as two men on the run from a group of heavily-armed mercenaries.

Matt Weston, a rookie CIA operative (Reynolds), is waiting for the perfect opportunity to prove himself – but that’s no easy task when he’s been cooped up in an empty “safe house” in Cape Town for a whole year.

Weston realises that a prime opportunity is headed his way when he learns that former intelligence officer Tobin Frost (Washington) has been captured after almost a decade on the run. Frost is about to become Weston’s one and only guest at the safe house – and the fledgling agent is determined to handle the situation like a true professional.

But when their location is attacked, these two unlikely allies must team up and stay alive long enough to uncover who wants them dead…

Safe House releases nationwide on 10 February. View more information and book tickets via Ster Kinekor and Nu Metro, or visit the official Safe House website for more.

Go go go!

The son of former Springbok player and SA rugby coach, Nick Mallett, managed to pull off an incredible kick from the halfway line. The ball had to hit the crossbar during a kicking competition on the final evening of the well-attended two-day tournament. It did.

For his efforts Doug was awarded the R365 000 vehicle by storage company, Stor-Age.

The UCT alumnus and former Ikeys rugby player’s celebration in this video is something to behold. And his comment on the fluke win? “Completely ridiculous!”

Says Dean Delaney:

Hey Seth, just wanted to share this little piece of brilliance with you. Stranger things have happened at the 24 hour Woolworths, I know, but this was just perfect for last night. What makes it even better is that the perpetrators were none the wiser and really couldn’t understand what I found so amusing…

Well done, Dean. Well done.

You can download the song for free from their website. Here are the lyrics:

You’re sitting at the table at the end of a meal
You went for a steak ‘cause you felt sorry for the veal
Your friend lifts his hand and starts waving at the bar
Hope he just wants the cheque ‘cause you don’t know CPR

The waitron brings the book with urgency and haste
Clearly expecting a large tip he has drawn a smiley face
You’re reaching for your wallet, will it be cash or card?
Unfortunately no cheques ‘cause it says so on that placard

Your friend takes the slip, now the awkward fight begins
You say you’ll pay but he insists that everything’s on him
You try cast your mind back to figure out what you ate
It’s hard to remember ‘cause you had a lot on your plate

You attempt to sneak a peak but he’s covered it with his hand

It’s the Secrecy Bill, you can’t believe it’s been passed
It’s the Secrecy Bill, it happened so fast
It’s the Secrecy Bill, no matter how you appeal
It’s the Secrecy Bill, now watch them pay for that meal

[Thanks Simon!]

And we’re rounding out the year with a flourish.

On Friday 25 November, 100 lucky Capetonians will be treated to a fantastic lunch at the Grand Beach Cafe, courtesy of Jack Daniels and 2oceansVibe. Think the quintessential Grand Feast – an array of mouthwatering platters of linefish & tempura prawns, steak, pizzas and more – all enjoyed to the soulful sounds of Jack Mantis and the thirst-quenching pleasure of chilled Jack cocktails.

THERE WILL BE TWENTY LUCKY WINNERS, ALLOWED TO BRING FOUR FRIENDS EACH:

To Enter:

Tell us your best excuse for getting off work on Friday by:

Mailing us

Tweeting us (use #JackFriday hashtag)

Leaving a comment below.

Enter as many times as you like. The more you enter, and the more platforms you use, the higher your chances of winning.

GO GO GO!

Jaco Haasbroek is a designer from Cape Town.  This guy designed a t-shirt so cool that it has now been worn twice on one of the biggest TV shows at the moment. The shirt is called “High 5” and it popped up in an episode of Modern Family last month, and again on last Wednesday’s episode. Both times they were worn by Luke. High-five!

Modern Family, Season 3, Episode 8 (16 November 2011)

For more of Jaco’s designs, check out his website and Twitter feed.

[Thanks, Luca!]

The community station started broadcasting in August 2008. Since its launch, the channel has faced numerous challenges including a struggle with ICASA to renew it’s license. Things have been resolved and the channel now has a seven year license.

Station manager Karen Thorne:

CTV has grown substantially over the past three years and has doubled its income in each year of operation. We are now on a sound financial footing and we are planning for the migration to digital broadcasting because we expect to be carried on a digital multiplex towards the end of 2013.

[Source: TVSA]

What makes G-Star’s denim stand out above any other is the fact that it is “RAW”, meaning it is unwashed and untreated. This ensures great quality and a great fit. Moreover, elements like zipped arm pockets speak of G-Star’s the military style inspiration.

The new designs are all about denim, including jeans in variety of designs (such as skinnies, bootleg, low cut and straight leg, shorts, ripped jeans), and shirts. Leather jackets, cool T’s and variety of shoes from sneakers to more sophisticated styles complete the hot denim look. Ladies are also catered for with denim jumpsuits, dresses and shorts.

Denims are timeless, and if you get the right pair, it’s an investment, so go check out the latest arrivals at G-Star RAW. Because from a fashion point of view, every closet needs an original G-Star RAW design.

Check out the G-Star store at Shop 254, Upper Level, V&A Waterfront.

The series follows mom Jacqui and her daughters Alex, Dani and Roche in a behind-the-scenes reality show, set in Charly’s Bakery in Cape Town. This local TV production was filmed over the last 10 months and each episode – although following real events – is themed around various dramas.

Here’s what well-known TV critic, Thinus Ferreira, had to say after seeing a sneak-peak of the show:

Charly’s Cake Angels is carefully constructed to show the depth of the various cake characters - proof that South Africa really does have the TV production talent to make great reality television. Charly’s Cake Angels has just the right sprinkling of drama, mixed with quality ingredients like fascinating characters, jaw-dropping challenges and some self-referential humour. Perhaps the most striking thing of Charly’s Cake Angels is the colour. Almost painfully so. The sheer amount of creative work, an abundance of cakes in vivid rainbow colours, magical creations created over many hours that will be destroyed and that you know will be completely consumed, is almost too much to take in. Then there’s the delicious dynamic sure to be explored further in upcoming episodes between mom Jacqui and her daughters who all work in this crazy cake castle. The camera work from Cooked in Africa Films, and the editing, gives a clear sense that it’s expertise at work in skillfully filming and portraying both food as well as people, once again mixing these two ingredients to create a very visually revealing story of very high quality.

[Source: TV with Thinus]

Cue controversy. Click here to navigate to Another Damned Food Blog.

Lesley-Ann Brandt is an ex Cape Town girl, and a busy one at that! So far she’s had roles in TV shows such as Legend of the Seeker, Chuck, Spartacus: Blood & Sand, and CSI: NY. But this beautiful lady is about to take her biggest step forward yet: a leading role in an upcoming Hollywood movie.

Lesley-Ann as Naevia in Spartacus: Blood & Sand

Her new movie is called Drift, and it she’ll star alongside Sam Worthington from “Avatar”. According to IMDB, the story takes place during the seventies. The plot involves “two brothers who battle killer waves, conservative society and ruthless bikers to kick-start the modern surf industry.” Brandt is expected to the play the role of Hawaiian surfer girl Lani, the object of affection in a love triangle.

In an interview with South Africa’s very own celeb expert and autograph hunter, Clayton Morar, she mentions that she’s currently learning how to surf in preparation for her role.

“I am currently learning how to surf and it’s been a lot of fun. I am having such a great time preparing for the role and I can’t wait to work with Sam!”

Unfortunately there are no production stills from the movie yet, but hopefully these other images of Lesley-Ann will suffice for now.

A scene from CSI: NY. The guy on the right is the singer Ne-Yo. His character kidnaps her in this episode.

A sexy scene from Spartacus: Blood & Sand

This was part of a photo shoot she did for UFC Magazine.

I don’t know about you, but I cannot wait to see her surfing skills in Drift!

[Source: Clayton Morar]

All you have to do is visit the Groupon South Africa Facebook page to view the wall photo which explains how to enter the competition.

The competition closes at 15h00 today, so get there quickly!

Okay so: to be clear:

• Go to the Groupon South Africa Facebook page.
• Read these instructions
• Follow the instructions, and enter your answer in the comments section

Go go go!

So… What do you guys think?

The above video was posted by YouTube user, thefullreport, on 9 June 2011.

The descriptive text below the video suggests that an initial confrontation occurred between Locnville and a friend of thefullreport, who then exited the scene. An unaffiliated group of four men walked past Locnville, noticed the commotion, and proceeded to lambast Locnville with insults. The exchange resulted in a light punch-up between Locnville and the group of four men. Subsequent to that, the police arrived, and confronted Locnville and a friend of the group over their alleged disorderly behaviour.

The footage shown here captures the scene immediately after the punch-up between Locnville and the group of four.

Read the video description here:

After chatting to one of the twins for quite some time, a friend of mine said, “I’m hating”. It was more of a compliment than anything else. He was implying that he is jealous of the twins success and travels. He over-reacted, ran inside and called his brother and his friend.

The trio came out swearing and asking if anybody knew where he was. By this stage he was already sitting in the car, enjoying his pie and completely uninterested in the whole situation. As you can imagine, the trio were making quite a big scene. I tried reasoning with them but my efforts rendered useless. I gave up and walked away and was about to climb into the car when four guys walked past. They noticed the scene the trio were causing and somebody said something along the lines, ‘you’re a bunch of fags’. Locnville’s friend threw a punch which started a bit of a fist fight (neither twin joined the physical fight). It ended quite quickly.

This video was what happened immediately after. The group separates after the security guard was forced to whip out his taser. The trio carry on swearing while walking away. I called it a night as Designated Dave had to be at work at 8. So I am unsure of what happened after. I can imagine an employee at Engen called the police. The police were most likely following up on assault and I can imagine, the trio were uncooperative. They were very drunk, had a very bad attitude and were acting like idiots. The reason why I uploaded this was because they were allegedly victims of police brutality. I’m pretty sure they weren’t. It seems more along the lines of “boy in blue, don’t touch me in my studio” (with the celebrity styled belligerent attitude, obviously) . I’m sure the police were just doing their duty and were trying to restrain the trio.

I just wanted to point out that they seem like the victims of the situation but most likely aren’t. They are covering up their bad behaviour by bringing up ‘police brutality’, etc. and trying to get sympathetic responses. I know our police force has been involved in corruption and some officers seem incapable of holding a weapon. But anyone that was involved in a hijacking, break in, or extremely dangerous situation will vouch for me when I say ‘they do their job properly when we most need it’. So don’t use that as an excuse for your bad behaviour. Also, its unfair to blame the police when the trio committed punishable offences. You guys should grow up!

Anyway, that’s my side of the story. I hope trolls don’t attack the comments section below and it somehow turns into a racist argument. Honestly, I have lost all respect for the kids. Maybe they should stay away from alcohol. Because it didn’t look like they only “had a bit to drink”.

Maybe they will release a song about it. Who know’s? They can call it “I got the sun in my pocket and mace in my face” and add all the same monotonous synths again like they did on their last album.

Read Locnville’s official version of events below:

Official Statement From Locnville Regarding The Incident In Claremont, Cape Town

Thursday 9th June 2011 – 12:30pm

Following the incident that has been widely reported in the news, this is Locnville’s version of the events that took place in the early hours of this morning, Thursday 9th June.

Andrew and Brian Chaplin, together with a friend, had been out at Trinity nightclub in Cape Town. At around 4am this morning they decided to catch a taxi home as they had been drinking and didn’t want to drive. They asked the taxi driver to stop off at the Engen Garage in Claremont as they wanted to buy some food at the Steers. Upon entering the garage, a group of four males started hurling abuse at Locnville calling them amongst other things “Fags” and “Wankers”. This is something which Andrew and Brian have become accustomed to being in the public eye. Andrew Chaplin responded to the abuse by saying to the group “I really don’t need to hear this.” and walked away.

This group of males continued the abuse, were aggressive and a slight altercation broke out. Andrew and Brian Chaplin, together with their friend, walked away from the incident. Upon leaving the Engen garage shop, they were approached by two police officers who were aggressive from the start and wanted to find out what the story was? Andrew and Brian responded by saying they’d got into an incident and why were the police looking at them alone, as opposed to the four males who started the confrontation and were hurling abuse at them?

Andrew and Brian then left the garage and attempted to climb into a taxi to continue their journey home. They were then pulled out of the taxi by the same two police officers. Andrew and Brian appealed to the police officers to calm down and despite this Brian was sprayed in the face with Mace/Pepper Spray. They managed to get away after a group of security guards who saw the incident assisted them.

Once they arrived at their home in Claremont, Andrew Chaplin tried to call the Claremont Police Station repeatedly and claimed that the police officers who answered the phone literally “laughed at me and hung up each time”.

Andrew and Brian Chaplin, together with their father, will be meeting with Lieutentant Colonel Andre Traut of SAPS this afternoon.

Before the Locnville twins take their complaint any further, they should be aware that the name of the Western Cape Police Commissioner is Arno Lemoer.

Peter Piegl presided over a full three issues of the magazine, before resigning, citing objections over distribution of the magazine for sale in sex shops.

This, from TimesLive:

“My vision is that it is a lifestyle magazine, not a skin magazine,” Piegl said yesterday.

Piegl, 38, posted on Facebook that his editorial vision was being “compromised” by negotiations about having the magazine distributed in sex shops.

The magazine’s general manager, Karen von Wielligh, confirmed that the publishers had signed a three-month deal with the Adultworld sex shop chain, but said this would not detract from the magazine’s “classiness”.

Reports that Piegl has applied for an editing position at the forthcoming Associated Magazines title, Good Housekeeping, are as yet unconfirmed.

Wrong. We love cyclists. Hell, we love bikes, and biking around. We just can’t get behind The Prawn.

That said, Danny MacAskill is no prawn. He’s a stylish, skilled athlete, and he makes the infrastructure of our beloved city look oh-so-fine.

[Thanks, Mark!]

Men, and empowered women.

It’s 2011. We’re not our grandfathers, okay? 99% of us don’t have access to a fully equipped woodworking shed. We don’t while our own door knobs, or plane our own shelves. Hell, most of us don’t even hang our own shelves. Why? The evaporation of knowledge, friends.

The move towards digital technology has given birth to a slew of skills that gran and gramps could never have imagined. Conversely, some of the skills that were central to their lives, like the ability to make your own butter, or construct your storage space from timber and guile, are no longer necessary in today’s world. Well, not to each of us as individuals. We’re too busy. And besides, there are people like Homefixers to do it.

And my word, do they do it well. What is “it’? “It” is basically any home task that you can think of. Really. Check out what they did for us:

Picture hanging:

Disclaimer: Model is mobile (i.e. not mounted)

All. Over. The. Office.

Some pictures are bigger than others…

Latch installation:

Window

Bathroom

Restoring and installing a solid oak bar:

The Compound Bar. Nicely.

Installed with a door!

Shelf mounting:

Sign mounting:

Dry walling and painting:

Dry walling installed all the way around the top. Yeah baby.

TV mounting:

Nice brackets

Custom carpentry:

Storage space. Built. With wood. From scratch.

Bear in mind that this is by no means an exhaustive list of tasks that Homefixers nailed for us. It’s just a sample, my lovelies. Really, give them a call. Tell them Seth sent you. Ask for Ian, or Philip. Oh, and if Davie comes to your place, treat him nicely. The guy is a gentleman, and a wizard with a tool belt.

If you’re anywhere in the Cape Town area, you can’t go wrong with these guys.

Check out the Homefixers website HERE!

The Princess Emma – Winning!

We know who you are. Tomorrow, we’re coming for you, and we’re getting you on a yacht, and we can do it nice and easy-like, or the hard way.

That’s all up to your boss.

So employers of Cape Town. Ready yourselves. Steel your constitutions. Because tomorrow, we could be coming for YOUR employees. Do you want to be the boss who stood in the way of progress, happiness and liberation? Or are you going to seize the moment? It’s going to happen, either way.

So make sure you’re tuned in to 2oceansvibe Radio all day tomorrow to find out who the lucky winner is, and catch all of the unfolding action.

We’ll be broadcasting for the duration of the day from The Princess Emma, kindly provided by the good people at The Last Word, a group of five star intimate hotels in and around Cape Town, with properties in Bishopscourt, Constantia, Camp’s Bay, Franschhoek, Kommetjie and of course, Princess Emma.

“I’m on a boat”. That is all.

Beukes was announced winner of the Clarke award last night at a London ceremony and awarded a check for £2011, as well as an engraved bookend.

Also the author of Moxyland, the 2008 novel set in a dystopian Cape Town, Beukes is currently shortlisted for the John W Campbell Award for Best New Writer, the Locus Award, and the 2010 University of Johannesburg Prize for the best creative work in English.

So that’s pretty great.

[Image: Zoo City-themed Bares]

An anonymous source assured us that the information detailed in the post is accurate.

Let us know if you snap any pictures of the great man, or if, hey you know, you happen to be hanging out with him and you want to swing by 2oceansvibe HQ for a small chat.

Not even in your local grocery store. In fact, probably less-so in your local grocery store. Have you tried to buy bananas on a Sunday morning. You’re joking. Don’t even joke.

Not sure why this is awesome? Here’s a clue (clue: the clue is actually the answer):

[Thanks, Ciro]

The photograph related to a story about about part-time workers suffering (presumably) sexual abuse at the hands of a local employer.

Of course, The Voice went with a harder line. Click link to check that out..

[Thank you, oh, thank you, Sugar!]

They are all back in for the third and final installment of the series. This time they visit a park…with lots of dogs.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XZovQ-xVTPs

Smith has not yet returned to South Africa, since the Proteas bowed out of the tournament after losing their quarter final match to New Zealand. The couple has been spotted together in Ireland in recent days however, and there are rumours flying around Twitter that Smith and Deane got engaged over the weekend.

Whatever the reasons for Smith’s extended absence from SA following the CWC, we’re sure we’ll be enlightened soon enough.

[Source: Channel24]

Tomorrow afternoon you could be working – or you could be chilling with four of your friends on Table Mountain with great food, great drink, and great music – in absolute comfort.

Best of all, we will take care of your boss for you. That’s right – we’ll call your boss and negotiate your release. And we will make it happen.

HOW TO WIN:

• To win, tell us your most creative excuse for getting off work.
• Simply tweet your excuse to @2oceansvibe or @2ovfm. Make sure you add the #JackFriday hashtag!
• If you don’t hear from us by late this afternoon, you haven’t won.

Ready?

GO!

Look, in no way do we condone his behaviour. Insulting references to another man’s female relatives, most especially The Mother, should never be tolerated.

But look, the guy was clearly backed in to a corner.He’s clearly in the court room against his will. And what would his reasons for not wanting to be in that court room be? If you study the transcript, the answer is obvious.

First off, it is apparent that the advocate has already missed that morning’s proceedings due to some poor luck – his car broke down, and his SilverStreak clerk failed to notify the court of his predicament.

So he’s standing in a court room (his work place), getting a grilling, on a Friday afternoon.

Notice how he gives the judge a way out of this inhumane wreck taking place? He called to suggest that proceedings be postponed until Monday. The judge didn’t get it. He didn’t take the way out.

He called him back to work. After a joke of a morning. On a Friday afternoon.

Boom. All of a sudden you’ve got a man flipping out. See how this all could have been avoided?

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: 2OCEANSVIBE AND JACK DANIELS ARE SAVING YOU FROM A SITUATION LIKE THIS, THIS FRIDAY.

I had to capslock all of that. Just so we’re all clear. Right, listen up, my loves.

2oceansvibe has, for the longest time, protested the violation of the sanctity of the Friday afternoon by employers who insist on forcing their charges to feign productivity. They keep the pressure on them, riding them hard, all the way to 17h00 on a Friday evening, when in fact, it is a universal truth that no one works productively past noon on a Friday. Catch up on all the history, here, here, here, here, here, and, of course, here.

Long story short, Jack Daniels have partnered with us to stage a societal intervention. Jack Daniels and 2oceansvibe are bringing you Jack Fridays, baby.

What is Jack Friday? In Tennessee, Jack Friday is the first Friday of every month, where Jack Daniels employees get to reap the fruits of their toil. Generally, everyone takes a load off, and a few bottles of Jack home with them.

But we’re not in Tennessee, so the Jack love is being brought to Cape Town. Here in Cape Town, a Jack Friday is a life changing experience. It’s a chance for you and four of your friends to escape from work on a Friday afternoon, and spend the time like it ought to be – in complete comfort, leisure and relaxation, all courtesy of Jack Daniels and 2oceansvibe. And the first Jack Friday is this Friday.

What would you prefer to be doing on Friday afternoon? Pretending to work every time your manager walks past, or chilling on top of a mild and friendly Table Mountain with four of your friends, with all the music, sumptuous food, drink and company you could ask for? We’ve got weather reports for sunshine, 23 degrees, and no wind. Ah yeah…

If you’d prefer the first option, we apologise unreservedly for wasting your time. You’re at the wrong place.

Hang out with him instead, mkay?

If, however, you like the second option, keep reading for details of how to win your place on top of that lovely landmark!

A better way to spend Friday

HOW TO WIN:

• Remember our advocate? He went to extraordinary lengths to get off work. To win, tell us your most creative excuse for getting off work.
• Simply tweet your excuse to @2oceansvibe or @2ovfm. Make sure you add the #JackFriday hashtag!
• If you don’t hear from us by tomorrow afternoon, you haven’t won.

Ready?

GO!

That document is the full transcript of proceedings in a criminal case currently being argued in the Cape Town High Court.

The transcript details an altercation between Judge Lee Bozalek and Advocate Nehemiah Ballem. And by “altercation” I mean a verbal smackdown. Enjoy this portion of the exchange.

Judge: You must be careful with your attitude before the court, Mr Ballem.

Mr Ballem: But then you also mustn’t come with your attitude.

Judge: Excuse me?

Mr Ballem: I said, you mustn’t come with an attitude, because we are both adults, I am not your child.

Judge: Mr Ballem, I must tell you… (Interruption)

Mr Ballem: I said I’m not your child.

Judge: I must warn you… (Interruption)

Mr Ballem: You are doing whatever you want, whatever you want.

Judge: You are sailing very close to the wind.

Mr Ballem: Your mother’s poes, man, fuck you! (Mr Ballem leaves the court)

The most shocking details of the transcript are, of course, the advocate’s persistent – and rather brutal profanity – directed squarely at the Judge. These points have been pointed out by the mainstream media.

However, when you read the transcript in full (original document and full English translation below), it becomes exceedingly clear that Advocate Ballem was irked by his obligation to work on a Friday.

We’re not sure if he’ll be appearing in any court again after painting the Judge with such colourful language, so perhaps living the holiday will come sooner rather than later for our hero.

[Thanks, Schalk!]

Download the original transcript HERE

See the full translation:

Mr Ballem: May it please the court, your Honour, I appear on behalf of the appellant.

Miss Van Rooyen: Like the court has pleased, your Honour, I appear on behalf of the respondent.

Judge: Now, in the first place, Mr Ballem, where were you this morning?

Mr Ballem: Your Honour, I just want to know if my secretary gave you a message?

Judge: Yes, we have such a confused message… (Interruption)

Mr Ballem: Did you… (Interruption)

Judge: About the car problems you had.

Mr Ballem: Exactly, now do you want to hear it again?

Judge: Excuse me?

Mr Ballem: Do you want to hear the excuse again?

Judge: Yes.

Mr Ballem: My car broke down.

Judge: Excuse me?

Mr Ballem: My car broke down.

Judge: Now why did you decide this at about 10am when you knew court was ready to continue?

Mr Ballem: We had to wait for the AA.

Judge: Excuse me?

Mr Ballem: We had to wait for the AA.

Judge: But you obviously have a cellphone?

Mr Ballem: I didn’t know about the case, my diary was not with me.

Judge: Your bag wasn’t with you? (Judge had mistakenly heard the Afrikaans word “sakkie” after Mr Ballem used the word “saak”)

Mr Ballem: My diary was not with me.

Judge: Yes, couldn’t you have phoned the High Court a half hour before the time, an hour before the time?

Mr Ballem: Judge, how long are we going to struggle with this? I have now made an effort to get here.

Judge: Mr Ballem, maybe you don’t understand, your first duty if you have an appearance at the High Court is to be here, and you are not doing us a favour bringing your problems here. Why do you turn your face away from me when I’m talking?

Mr Ballem: Well, I asked my secretary to pass on the message and I expected her to do so.

Judge: Yes, but then we also get… (Interruption)

Mr Ballem: Now you do you want to hear the excuse again?

Judge: Then we also get another funny excuse via a telephone call – can the case not just be postponed until Monday?

Mr Ballem: Precisely, and then I get the message that you are prepared to wait for me, now I’m here.

Judge: Were you involved at any other court this morning?

Mr Ballem: No I wasn’t, judge, I am now here. (Slams hand on desk)

Judge: Sir, your attitude, you must… (Interruption)

Mr Ballem: But then you also mustn’t come… (Interruption)

Judge: You must be careful with your attitude before the court, Mr Ballem.

Mr Ballem: But then you also mustn’t come with your attitude.

Judge: Excuse me?

Mr Ballem: I said, you mustn’t come with an attitude, because we are both adults, I am not your child.

Judge: Mr Ballem, I must tell you… (Interruption)

Mr Ballem: I said I’m not your child.

Judge: I must warn you… (Interruption)

Mr Ballem: You are doing whatever you want, whatever you want.

Judge: You are sailing very close to the wind.

Mr Ballem: Your mother’s poes, man, fuck you! (Mr Ballem leaves the court)

Judge: Miss Van Rooyen?

Miss Van Rooyen: I can’t answer for that, your Honour, maybe we must just strike the case off the roll for today and look at it again… (Interruption)

Judge: I think the case must just be postponed sine dei [indefinitely].

Me Van Rooyen: I will also agree with that, your Honour, we can get other legal representation and then… (Interruption)

Judge: How will we organise that then?

Me Van Rooyen: Your Honour, I will take the case back to advocate van der Merwe, he will then decide who will take over the case and from there, if we can get the support, everything else is ready.

Judge: The case will then – I think it must be held in the same court and I think the most appropriate order is to postpone indefinitely and you can carry out the correct procedures concerning legal representation. I don’t know if we’ll see the same legal representative again. Good, this appeal is then indefinitely postponed and Snellers (legal transcribers) are asked to type out all the proceedings that have taken place here this afternoon.

[Image : IOL]

Craig says:

He flew out the front door yesterday, and shit dude, I just gotta find him. My lady is not taking it too well cause he’s basically family. He’s super narcissistic, and a borderline psychopath, but remarkably friendly. Unfortunately however, he is not very street smart

Alright people. You know what to do. If you see an African Grey parrot enjoying a cold one at Buzz Cafe, and he responds to your entreaties of “dirkie dirk”, then give Craig a shout.

Go, Cape Town!

Forex trading is a way to earn money. Enough money to live the holiday, ergo, not work.

Get out of the office, okay?

Which is of course desirable because (I needn’t necessarily tell you) you’ll have both the times and the means to do whatever you want.

What kind of things might you like to do in your free, moneyed leisure time? I don’t know – don’t PUT that kind of pressure on me, okay? Geez. Rude. Honestly.

Anyhow. Back to the point.

Greg Secker is a man who has made an obscene amount of money by understanding the fundamental principles of Forex Trading, and he uses that knowledge to his consummate advantage.

Thankfully though, Greg is the kid of guy who sees knowledge as something to be passed on, shared between us for the betterment of your fellow human.

Which is why he trains his own traders (known as “Elite Forex Trader Coaches” – how cool?) up with the very same insane Forex Trading skills that he’s cracked. And it’s also why one of those very same skills are going to be explained and demonstrated the Millionaire Forex Trader’s Secrets seminar, happening in Cape Town and Johannesburg.

If you’re content to work in middle management for the rest of your life, by all means, find a way to be busy on those dates. But if you take anything I say seriously, you’ll get yourself to one of those venues on one of those dates.

• JHB: 29 March, 13h30 / 19h00
• CPT: 30 March 19h00
• CPTL: 31 March 13h30 / 19h00

Did you know that all it takes is 20 minutes of your time every day to set up your automated Forex Trades? Did you actually know that? Come now man, really? 20 minutes of work every day?

Surely this excites you. Remember, money is a useful tool for living the holiday. If you learn to skillfully trade Forex using Greg’s techniques, you may well have a much more effective holiday-living tool than your co-workers who were too “busy” to go.

Go on., CLICK HERE to book. It’s a pleasure.

]]> http://www.2oceansvibe.com/2011/03/25/get-me-to-the-greg-secker-forex-trading-seminar/feed/ 2 http://www.2oceansvibe.com/2011/03/25/a-critical-development-in-2oceansvibes-call-for-ammended-friday-work-hours/ http://www.2oceansvibe.com/2011/03/25/a-critical-development-in-2oceansvibes-call-for-ammended-friday-work-hours/#comments Fri, 25 Mar 2011 10:49:07 +0000 Seth Rotherham http://www.2oceansvibe.com/?p=33046 You'll have seen from the numerous banners on the site that we've embarked on a campaign here at 2oceansvibe to liberate the people of Cape Town from the tyranny of Friday afternoon work hours. A critical development has arisen, ladies and gentlemen, and we invite you all to read on.

Read more...

Ginsburg & Herman consists of Josh Ginsburg and Lance Herman. Herewith, a short bio:

Their music combines expansive soundscapes on the one hand, with articulate lyrical songwriting on the other; and their live performances are at once visually compelling and stylistically unique. The duo are perhaps best known to local audiences for their first music project, the alternative rock band, Fly Paper Jet. Check them out: www.ginsburgandherman.com.

Back to the viral clips. The first was called Squash, and involved a frustrating squash game for one of the band members. The second, Royale, sees the same band member lose out on a girl to the other band member. Bitch slapping ensues.

The third clip in the series, Park, is out next week – the only clue provided so far is this:

Watch this space. As soon as we know, you’ll know.

Capetonian Mark Roux was hiking on the India Venster trail yesterday with Henry Herman of Chicago, Illinois, when Roux fell 40 metres to his death.

It seems the two men had moved away from the track and decided to climb up the side of the mountain.  Roux slipped, and tumbled down the slope. When he came to rest, he was dead. Herman, who had become trapped on a ledge, was rescued by helicopter.

While the India Venster route is known as one of the most dangerous walking trails on the mountain, Table Mountain National Park spokesperson Merle Collins emphasised yesterday that none of Table Mountain’s hiking routes were dangerous if people stayed on the trail.

She described yesterday’s incident as a tragedy and stressed the importance of taking the appropriate precautions when hiking on the mountain.

“Hikers should ensure they are wearing the right clothes and shoes when they go hiking. Enough water and an emergency number, should you get into trouble, are also essential.”

[Source: Die Burger]

An unnamed source has suggested “Guests will be treated to Platinum Reserve Russian standard vodka and expensive champagne on the day.” Awesome, we look forward to the photos.

[Thanks Clay]

[Source : Clayton Morar]

Today is Friday. You know what that means. That means that we knock off at 12h00.

Do you know why we knock off at 12h00? Because we’re not lying to ourselves.

“I”M NOT LYING TO MYSELF.”

You shouldn’t either.

No one is working productively after 12h00 on a Friday afternoon. The only thing that happens is the willful killing of time, begging every second flee before the great hand of 17h00 on the office wall clock.

But enough of that. You can read the rest of the well-reasoned argument here, and previously, here.

We promised you that we would do something to remedy this farcical situation. We’re actually aiming to get local, and someday, national labour law changed, to reflect the actual habits and working hours of Cape Town’s great unwashed (that would be you and me). So we’ve been lobbying our asses off. You can sign the petition here. It’s a pleasure.

So throughout this week we’ve been attempting to deliver the reams of signed petition notices to the Mayoral office. But we’re trying to get a dialogue going, so we won’t engage in mischievous tendencies, like dumping bundles of paper on the steps of the civic offices. No, we want to have tea. Tea, which was offered to us some time ago.

As you can see, our attempt to redeem the Mayor’s invitation to tea has been rebuffed. Dialogue is not possible for the next three weeks.

Hell, we even sent Dan Plato a friend request on Facebook. No dice.

This will not stand.

Stand by for what we call a lobbying “lesson in initiative”.

On last year’s billing were 10 small, independent breweries, a motley crew of “home brewers”,  two bands, a DJ, and a collection of terrific of small, quality food vendors. Over 3000 gourmet local food and independent beer fans made their way to the fest, and drank the home brewers’ taps dry within the space of two hours!

Click through for details of the 2011 event!

This March, the second WeLoveRealBeer Craft Beer Festival is set to break all previous records. The event will be held on Sunday 20 March 2011 from midday to 11PM, at the Neighbour Goods Market, in Woodstock.

Critical detail: the following Monday is a public holiday, Don’t be afraid to stay out late and enjoy yourselves.

There will of course be more breweries, more beer, more food, extra DJ’s and a solid line-up of live music. It’s surely only a matter of time before this is the biggest Craft Beer Festival in South Africa.

Please enjoy the cherry on the sale cake, with an informative quote from the press release:

R30 get you through the door, and entrance includes your own limited production WLRB glass. After that, you are in the hands of the brewers themselves! This year we will be offering an “early bird” ticket discount – buy a book of 10 tickets for the price of nine tickets. That will also get you through the gate quicker. Pre-sale tickets can be purchased at &UNION, Superette and by contacting WeLoveRealBeer on twitter at @weloverealbeer.

Breweries in attendance include Napier Brewery, Jack Black Beer, Mitchell’s Brewery, Brewers & Union, Darling Brew, Camelthorn Brewing, and many more to be confirmed.

The details:

DATE: Sunday 20 March 2011.

DOORS OPEN: 11h00 – 23h00.

COSTS: R30 pp, includes beer glass.

DETAILS: 3 DJ’S, 4 Bands, great food, great beer, secure parking and security.

LOCATION: The NeighbourGoods Market, Old Biscuit Mill, Woodstock.

Be sure to check out www.weloverealbeer.com!

I’m talking about the creeping, evil tendency for wolves among us to insist on work commitments on Friday afternoons. Or on Fridays at all.

Don’t these people value life?

Look, I’ve talked extensively about this problem, here, and more recently, here.

Hell, you can even listen to me having a good rant right now.

Friday Rant by 2oceansvibe.com

And I’m not the only one. I hope some day you’ll join us, and we can live as one (on a Friday afternoon).

Amen

How rude, INDEED!

We do.

But want I want is less complaining, and more change. Genuinely. I want your signatures, and I want to get this to local government. And who knows, maybe even national from there.

We’ll deliver this petition to local government next week. You have our word on this.

Are you with me?

Are you with me?

CLICK HERE to download the PDF of the petition. Print it, sign it, send it around your office, scan it, and mail it back to us.

If you don’t have a printer or scanner, leave a comment below. Use your real email address when you leave the comment, and your name to let us know that you’re in (email address will not be displayed in the comments section – just your name and message of support). Also, don’t be shy to have a rant. We need a groundswell here, people.
GO!

Let’s repeat that for those of your whose minds are exploding at this point. Together now. Breathe in, and hold it, and…

“Work does not happen on Friday afternoons.”

That felt good, didn’t? I bet it felt GREAT to admit that. You know it. Come on, you do. Don’t lie to me, you naughty little Friday afternoon meeting ferret.

Look, the last time I wrote about this issue was in November 2006. The rant seemed to do the job. People were finally “getting” that we prepare ourselves for two solid days of rest and relaxation. But bad habits die hard, and more and more people are hitting me up on Thursday evening for Friday afternoon meetings.

We don’t do meetings on Friday afternoons, okay? None of the employees at the desks in your office are working, either. They only sit upright when you walk past, because you’re such a fun-nazi. And look at that, you made them cock up their game of tetris.

Here’s two visual suggestions of things you could, and should be doing instead on a Friday afternoon.

I’d probably manage to pump out a few emails from there.

STOP THE PRESSES: Someone literally just had the audacity to suggest a Friday  afternoon meeting at three. This is a guy that I don’t mind – actually, scratch that, I like him, but if he honestly believes it’s not completely toilet to suggest having a meeting that will require concentration and hand-holding and following up literally TWO HOURS before the legal beginning of the weekend, then you are having one hell of a laugh my friend. And it’s RUDE.

Why don’t you just be true to yourself and admit the FACT that that no ones cares on a Friday afternoon. It’s rude, and it’s putting me in an awkward place, because you’re trying to show off.

And I’m not impressed.  It’s not clever,  it’s a let down. You’ve let me down. You look stupid. Stop it.

Stop. it.

Daddy loves you.

Who agrees with this? Hey? Let’s all get in a big circle and say together, “We don’t work on Friday afternoons.” Okay? It’s the honest thing to do.

Why do we even have Friday on our work calendars?

This is going further. Mark my words.

Lennox recently appeared in the South African news cycle after reports emerged that former UCT Medical Director, Dr Mitch Besser (56) had left his wife for Lennox.

In the photograph, Besser can be seen on Lennox’s right hand side. The couple are seated with an unidentified gentleman.

Besser, the founder and current medical directer of mothers2mothers, an organisation that provides education and care for pregnant women and new mothers living with HIV/Aids.

“You know, it’s amazing, I actually have time to get things done now. I can actually complete admin tasks.”

I knew what he was getting at.

The majority of us are roped in to 9-5 jobs. And what time are shops and services usually open? That’s correct, from 09h00 to 17h00. So that begs the question – when the hell do we ever find the time to complete admin tasks when they come up?

There are three options. Either you don’t work from 09h00 to 17h00 (ahem), or you don’t get it done.

The third option is a lot trickier – you work a miracle. Somewhere between baby-sitting your boss’s stress levels, acknowledging the existence of your spouse and children, and bringing home the bacon, you manage to make it to that place, within business hours, to get that thing done.

But miracles like that only happen once a week – anything more and you would literally die from stress and self-loathing. So the inevitable happens. Tasks keep piling up, along with new work commitments, and the constant nagging from your parents that they don’t hear from you anymore, and then you get a speeding fine in the post, and the library sends you the twelfth snarky letter informing you that David Hasselhof’s biography is still overdue, and then your domestic executive informs you that she’s been implicated in a ponzi scheme bust and that you’re likely to be indicted, and then you have a nervous breakdown.

Just. Not. Enough. Time.

Let’s avoid all of that, mkay? Let me tell you a little secret.

Public Service Announcement: How to get things done AND live the holiday!

Toodu is an innovative service that will basically change your life.

This hot little baby is a sweet idea from a Cape Town startup that puts your to-do list to work while you get on with other more important things, like cuddling your money, or harpooning marlin off the back of a yacht.

Just put everything you need to do on your Toodu list, then sit back and let the service providers come to you.

One of the most attractive features of Toodu is that it’s free. And I especially like the fact that my contact details aren’t shared with anyone unless I want them to be. Usually I don’t.

Living the holiday has never been easier. Here’s a little peak at my Toodu list for this week.

Seth’s Toodu List

• Get back to Kim Jong Il re drinks on Wednesday.
• Get quotes on aircon for office.
• Source guy for Dolphin Aquarium construction at Safe House.
• Get tracking system for Mini Countryman.
• Renew bike drivers license for the Vespa.
• Interview prospective lion tamers for Vibe Party.

Toodu is only available for Cape Town vibers for now, but the guys assure me they’ll be rolling out digital to do lists across the rest of South Africa soon. Internet, meet humanity. Humanity, meet internet.

It’s like we were made for each other!

Adriaan Bergh has been crowned Mr South Africa, 2011. Can. You. Believe. It.

We said it once, and we’ll say it again.

Adriaan gave us something special with that first video of his – a gift, if you will. But, we crooned, can you imagine what will happen if this guy wins and we get him on national television?

So we posted the story. And we waited. And the internet exploded, hard.

There were parodies aplenty, yet Adriaan’s place in the voting poll remained ominously low.

And then Arno Carstens stepped in, and gave his official endorsement of Adriaan on 2oceansvibe Radio.

ArnoCarstens-17-november-2010 by 2oceansvibe.com

It wasn’t long before all the hype began to translate into real results.

Check out Adriaan’s second video where he gives us a shout out.

We hold that pretty close to our hearts.

The next thing we know, December pulls around, and our man Adriaan is announced as a finalist for Mr SA 2011.

And now this. This.

Thank you, Adriaan. You’ve already given us so much. And now this.

You go get that world peace. You GET IT, Adriaan!

CLICK HERE to see the result.

CLICK HERE to see the original 2oceansvibe post.

CLICK HERE to see Adriaan’s response.

There’s a lot of info to take in, so please, bear with the bullet point lists.

First things first, you should know that the Fan Walk is on like donkey kong.

Parking

No parking at the stadium

Stadium Shuttle from the Civic Centre. This will operate from 14:00 and the last shuttle will leave the stadium at 01:00.

Parking is free at the following Park-and-Rides at or near rail stations. Station operational hours and security have also been extended.

• Athlone – east of the station
• Brackenfell – either side of the station with access from both Old Paarl Road and Brackenfell Boulevard
• Claremont – off Palmyra Road, east of the station
• Kuils River – either side of the station with access off New Nooiensfontein Drive or from Van Riebeek Road off Station Road
• Mitchells Plain – at the station off Hazeldene Avenue
• Ottery – either side of the station but primarily on the eastern side, off Panton Road
• Retreat – west of the station with access off Main Road
• Strand – at the station or across the road at the municipal offices

There will be a nominal parking fee at these Park-and-Rides:

• Oostersee – at the station (free parking) off Mike Pienaar Boulevard in Oostersee Street and on the Settlers High school fields
• Goodwood – at GrandWest with access to the rail station via the Casino
• Century City – at Ratanga Junction with a free shuttle service to the station
• Fish Hoek – at the station (free parking), with additional parking at the eastern end of the beach parking area

The bus shuttle Park-and-Rides will also be operational, namely:

• Kronendal Primary School at the sports field off Andrews Road in Hout Bay (nominal parking fee)
• On-street at Maiden’s Cove or in the municipal parking area off Victoria Road in Camps Bay
• University of Cape Town (UCT) Upper Campus in Rondebosch

The first buses will depart from UCT at 14:00, and the last return shuttle will depart at 01:00.

Road closures

At Cape Town Stadium

06h00 on 18 February until just after midnight on 19 February, namely:

• Fritz Sonnenberg Road – from the Metropolitan golf course entrance to the McDonalds entrance
• Vlei Road
• Stephan’s Way
• Granger Bay Boulevard
• Fort Wynyard Road

In addition, the following closures will be in place on 18 February:

• Portswood Road will be closed to all V&A Waterfront-bound traffic from 16:30 until 02:30 the next morning.
• Beach Road between Haul and Portswood Roads will be closed from 16:30 until 02:30 the next morning.
• Beach Road between Fritz Sonnenberg and Haul Roads will be open for local access only. Vehicles exiting the V&A Waterfront in the direction of Mouille Point will only be able to access Beach Road via Haul Road.
• Access to McDonalds via Fritz Sonnenberg Road will be closed from 06:00 until 02:30 the next morning.

Routes affected within the Central Business District (CBD)

From 16:30 on 18 February, there will be no general access to Hertzog Boulevard:

• between Civic Avenue and Heerengracht
• along Hans Strijdom Avenue
• along Adderley Street between Strand Street and Hertzog Boulevard.

Premises in this area will be provided with the necessary access via alternative routes and opening of the left lane of affected roads as required. The intersections of Hans Strijdom at Long and Loop Streets will remain open to crossing traffic at all times, but may be closed for short periods before and after the concert to give priority to the Stadium shuttle.

CBD connections to Green Point, Sea Point, Fresnaye and Atlantic Seaboard

• From 16:30 on 18 February, Western Boulevard will be closed in both directions, from Buitengragt to the Beach Road intersection at Three Anchor Bay. However, motorists will be able to exit the V&A Waterfront using Portswood Road, turning left into Western Boulevard, and then making a left turn only into Buitengragt.
• The Sea Point-bound carriageway of Somerset Road will be closed from Buitengragt to De Smit Street from 16:30 on 18 February to 02:30 the next morning.
• The CBD-bound carriageway of Main Road will be closed from De Smit Street to Glengariff Road.
• Two-way traffic will be accommodated on the Sea Point-bound carriageway of Main Road from De Smit Street to Glengariff Road. This route is intended for local access only and should be avoided by non-residents.

Road closures will mostly impact upon traffic leaving the CBD during the evening peak period. Motorists travelling to Bantry Bay, Clifton and Camps Bay along the Atlantic Seaboard are advised to use Kloof Nek Road when leaving the city centre. Signal Hill Road will be closed between 14:00 and midnight.

Have fun and play nice, kids! We’ll see you there!

Crane Jump from kitecentre Zanzibar on Vimeo.

Click here for more pics!

[Thanks, Anneke]

[Source : Kite Movement]

2oceansvibe Radio were the official media partners for Imogen’s Cape leg of her South African tour.

We headed out to her show later that evening at the Paul Cluver amphitheatre in Elgin. You can catch a short review of the Heap’s Friday night Cape Town set together with the interview after the jump. CLICK THROUGH FOR THE WHOLE INTERVIEW!

Imogen Heap 2oceansvibe Radio Interview by 2oceansvibe.com

Armed to the hilt with wrist mics, a transluscent electric grand piano, sampling software and 38 channels on a sound desk, heap was a whirl of ditzy british sensibility and musical genius.

Accompanying her on stage whenever the need arose was a husband and wife team, who were as skilled on their own instruments as Heap was on hers. My brain erased their names midway through the first song that they joined in on in a bid to make more comprehensions space available – the dopamine was kicking in hard. The male percussionist alternated between hammering a double-bass peddle and chiming on a xylophone with his right hand stretched across the percussion pit. And where the hell is the snare percussion coming from? Of course, his left hand.

The female cellist played with a classic acoustic cello, which had a beautiful sound contrasted against many of the electric instruments.

Also on stage was a Zimbabwean mbira (Heap has very, very strong fingers) and a keytar, which was rocked toward the end of the set with a pair of aviator sunglasses.

Heap builds her layered tracks from scratch as she goes, and her live performance is perfect; so exact and so purposely conveyed to the audience in front of her that returning to the album is a lesson in pathos. All of her albums are well-produced, but held against the light of Heap in person, who does so much to connect personally with an audience, a track played through headphones has a dull sheen.

Arguably the strongest part of the performance was her personality. More than a few fans, perhaps encouraged by the Forest Red at hand, shouted long and hard in the quieter moments: “We loooooove yooooooooou!”

Not to completely dissolve into a breathless puddle here, but the forest setting of tall blue gums definitely contributed to making what can sincerely be described as a magical performance. Not “magical” in the sense of faery circles and fire flies, but in the same way that alchemy is magical.

The result of Imogen heap, plus venue, plus audience, plus instruments, is alchemically magical.

Follow Imogen Heap on Twitter.

Tune in – 1 click – that’s all

The third installment of the hugely popular Castle Cape Town Tens is set to get underway this Friday and Saturday 4 and 5 February 2011.

And even better, three of you lucky fishes can win a double ticket each, as well as your first two beers at the Tens, absolutely gratis. All you need to do is click through, read on, and answer a simple question…

The two-day event will once again be hosted at Hamilton Rugby Club, which not only happens to be the official partner of the Cape Town Tens, but also the oldest rugby club in South Africa.

56 rugby teams will participate along with the popular South African and International Legends Team. Legends playing in the tournament include Warren Brosnihan, Dave von Hoesllin, Justin Swart, Breyton Paulse, Bob Skinstad, Jake Boer, Rob Fleck, Leon Lloyd and Shane Byrne.

There’ll be one hell of a shindig going down after the fun and games with UK indie band, The Lightyears and Cape Town’s Me and Mr. Brown in musical residence.

The Castle Cape Town Tens is proudly presented by Cape Town City Council, Castle, Canterbury and Powerade.

Tickets are available at www.computicket.co.za, or at the gates.But computicket is probably a better bet. There’s an Afrikaans proverb: regret comes too late.

Quite bloody right!

For more information go to www.capetowntens.com

TO WIN A DOUBLE SET OF TICKETS: Tell us why scoring by dotting the ball down on or across a designated line on a rugby field is called a “try”. The first three correct answers mailed to us win!

Competition closes at 23h59 on Thursday. If you haven’t heard from us, you haven’t won

In this instance, it is one particularly special character from 40 Stella Road (corner of Dick Burton), Plumstead.

Our friend, who we’ll call John Thomas for now, is obviously the best kind of man – he who makes a home his castle.

Please enjoy this:

Click for larger image

The actual Google Street View can be found here, with our man now blurred into one large beige smudge. Nevertheless, you can see it here. Note: such are the vagaries of Google Street View, he may also reside at number 32 Stella Road.

Please, friends, more information.

Go go go!

[Source : MyCityByNight]

Weather-wise, Cape Town served up a typically stunning Friday evening. The sky was azure, the rays were mild, and oh hey, look at that – a rooftop covered in beautiful people, ice cold beverages, and international music superstars.

Goldfish and Sakhile absolutely devastated the dancefloor with their undeniably fine music.

Genuinely people, one cannot overstate the quality of any live Goldfish performance, and Friday’s night’s intimate gig was absolutely no exception.

Naturally the 2oceansvibe beverage brands were in attendance, ready to slake our considerable thirst.

Check out all of the pics!

Look, any South African knows that if you spend more than a week in the Karoo, you start talking to yourself. Being French, they started off left of centre, but after 12 years in semi-desert isolation, they killed the first public servant person who came to visit, who just happened to be a cop. Now they are hiding in the koppies of the farm that they “know every bossie” of. This from IOL:

Between them they have a .22 hunting rifle, a 9mm pistol, a semi-automatic rifle, two revolvers (a 765 Magnum and a .38 Special) and a pump action shotgun.

Police have deployed more than 50 highly trained trackers to hunt down the couple, who are reportedly hiding and watching their every move. Not a job I’d be volunteering for, especially when one considers that they are bona fide, card-carrying members of a global cult.

The little club these two belong to is called Ramtha. It originated in the United States in 1977, having been founded by one Judy Zebra Knight (no kidding). And now, for a little bit of education. Cue extensive quoting from WikiPedia.

Ramtha (the name is claimed to be derived from Ram and to mean “the God” in Ramtha’s language) is an entity whom Knight claims to channel. According to Ramtha, he was a Lemurian warrior who fought the Atlanteans over 35,000 years ago.^[14]

The four cornerstones of Ramtha’s philosophy are:^[16]

1. The statement ‘You are god’
2. The directive to make known the unknown
3. The concept that consciousness and energy create the nature of reality
4. The challenge to conquer yourself

JZ Knight says that in 1977 Ramtha appeared before her and told her that he had come to help her over the ditch. JZ Knight became his first student of what he calls the great work.^[14]

Skeptics point to Ramtha’s story as proof that he does not exist. Ramtha claims to come from the continent of Lemuria and to have conquered Atlantis. The existence of the two locations are considered of legendary nature, and neither have been found. Furthermore, the claim that Ramtha led an army of 2.5 million contradicts estimates of the world population at 33,000 BC.

When Knight says she is channeling Ramtha, she/he speaks mostly in English, in what sounds like an accent from the Indian Raj,^[19][20] and sometimes in a simplistic way. Ramtha has expressed confusion about modern items (or even the ability to read English),^[21] although he seems to have clear understanding of complex issues of modern physics, such as the quantum field or neurology, which appear frequently in his speeches.^[22]

Ramtha’s teachings appear to be a mixture of Jungian philosophy, Western occult traditions and contemporary positive-thinking attitudes (such as New Age beliefs),^[18] but have yet to stand against elementary skepticism or scrutiny,^[19] and predictions made by the disembodied entity have either failed to come true (for example, predicting that a holocaust would take place in 1985, or that the USA would be involved in a major war in 1985) or the predicted scenarios are too wide to evaluate and/or have too large an error margin to be considered, which is usually the case with channelers.^[18]

…

JZ Knight has been involved in several court disputes, some personal and others business-related. Knight brought suit against a woman from Berlin named Judith Ravell for disturbing Knight’s psychic state and leaving her “hanging in spiritual limbo” during the five years Ravell claimed she was also channeling Ramtha,. The case was brought to the supreme court in Vienna and lasted over five years, at the end of which Austria’s supreme court awarded copyright to J.Z. Knight as the sole channelor of Ramtha, and Ravell was made to pay $800 in psychic damages to J.Z. Knight.^[11]

The cult believes that the world will end in 2012, and is in no way a means of garnering vast swathes of cash for its sole legal challenger, JZ Knight, who lives in a 12,800-square-foot French chateau-style home, and wears a face festooned with the folly of cosmetic surgeons.

According to the the owners of the farm on which the french couples presided, the du Plessis family, the couple got progressively weirder as the Karoo months turned into years. It must be said that the du Plessis’s are certainly not missing their fifteen minutes of fame, providing enough detail to sketch the outlines for a novel. No less than three family members provide beautiful quotes, such as “”They withdrew from society, but still fed off it”, “They both have dark eyes, which have become very intense over the past two years,” and my personal favourite, “It was as if he was constantly trying to read my thoughts.”

So there you have it kids. Don’t mix doses of Karoo and metaphysical cult.

[source: IOL, News24, Wiki]

“They didn’t feel ill when they masturbated without ejaculating, but as soon as the semen came from the testes…after that they became ill, sometimes within just a few minutes,” said Marcel Waldinger, a professor of sexual psychopharmacology. I hope this study was not filmed for respective analysis otherwise ‘45 men, 45 cups’ may surface on youtube. But wait, there’s more.

The study has surprisingly unveiled the statistic that 73.33% of men would agree to a taste of their own medicine. 33 of the above mentioned 45 men agreed to a skin-prick test of their own diluted semen to see whether they had an allergic reaction. All this after masturbating in front of a herd of scientists. I wonder if these scientists offer ‘Doctors Certificates’ for the female population looking to get out of date ‘nommer drie’ activities – this particular ‘I-am-just-not-that-into-you’ card can’t have been used before.

But Ladies do not panic! Marie, Camps Bay’s longest resident, had this to say: “Jou Ma se POIS!”

Do not think your man can use this as an excuse not to cuddley-wuddley after the deed. This allergy can be treated, as other allergies are treated, with small doses of their own penile excretion injected directly into their skin over a period of time, which gradually reduces the symptoms. And let’s be honest, what man wouldn’t be a whimpering fool after repeatedly exposing himself to injections of his own personal Big Bang. He will be in your arms sighing, tickling and caressing after that first jab.

To read the scientifically loquacious big-worded-exhausting account CLICK HERE.

[Source : IOL]

And Super Rugby team of course means it’s warm up game time. But since we’ve gotten used to winning, we don’t do things by half measures here in South Africa anymore. Not even warming up.

That’s where the second Annual Neo Africa Tri Series comes in.

The DHL Stormers, Sharks, and Lions will be facing off in a three-match tournament at Newlands intended to test the mettle of each side ahead of this year’s Super 15.

And the Neo Africa tri-Series launch, hosted by Club Newlands, WP Rugby, and presented by FNB is an opportunity for you to pick the brains of the coaches, captains, and players of the three teams during the Q&A session.

R30 gets you a ticket to the launch, and includes a free drink, not to mention endless shoulder rubbing with our modern gladiators (well done if you’re tall enough to make it to their shoulders). But, uhm, you should know that Club Newlands members get in for R15. The price of a boerie roll. Come on.

You can get your tickets from Quay Four, starting this Thursday the 20th of January.

Tickets go on sale today are available online at clubnewlands.co.za, as well as all Computicket and Shoprite/Checkers outlets as well as on the Computicket website, and from the Newlands Box Office from 25 January 2011.

Friday 28 January: DHL Stormers vs. Lions (19h00 kick off)
Tuesday 1 February: Lions vs. Sharks (19h00 kick off)
Saturday 5 February: DHL Stormers vs. Sharks (17h00 kick off)

]]> http://www.2oceansvibe.com/2011/01/18/the-neo-africa-tri-series-rugb/feed/ 0 http://www.2oceansvibe.com/2011/01/17/audi-r8-car-guards-are-facing-fraud-charges/ http://www.2oceansvibe.com/2011/01/17/audi-r8-car-guards-are-facing-fraud-charges/#comments Mon, 17 Jan 2011 09:26:27 +0000 silverstreak http://www.2oceansvibe.com/?p=23794 When deceased property developer and sky-diving enthusiast, Rob Taylor generously donated his Audi R8 to two car guards at the foot of table mountain in January 2010, he probably didn't bet on those same car guards would have fraud charges brought against them by Taylor's business partner, and de facto owner of the car.

Read more...

Prince William has a long time best mate, who goes by the name of Guy Pelly. Guy will most certainly be known to those of you who have completed a sojourn to Blighty.

Guy’s long tome girlfriend is Susanna Warren, the grand daughter of the Queen’s late great friend, the 7th Earl of Carnarvon. Susanna, as it turns out, has moved to Cape Town to fulfill a marketing position at our beloved Fez (AKA Vaudeville), in the heart of the Cape Town CBD.

Guy, who resides in the UK, is understandably distressed to hear of the departure of Susanna, and this is where it all gets a little tenuous.

Word on the street is that Guy is the man responsible for organising the Prince’s pre-wedding stag party, and he plans on killing two birds with one stone, as it were. Rumours suggest that the Fez has been more than a little conveniently chosen as the venue for Will’s stag party by Guy, ostensibly in an attempt to win Susanna back.

In any event.

However breathless the emotions, we’d just like to assure Guy that he’ll have made a good venue choice for Old Bill. Cape Town, get ready for Will in March.

Hen’s party for Kate at Caprice, anyone?

[Source : IOL]

At 12:00PM on Saturday, the 8^th of January 2011, three monstrously tough unicyclists and their support car will arrive in at Mouille Point lighthouse after completing a 44-day off-road tour, from Durban to Cape Town, on UNICYCLES.

How’re your bums, guys? Brave people.

The ride has been a charity endeavour for Bob’s For Good Foundation, which, as you know, does fantastic work putting shoes on the feet of South African kids who may never have felt the comfort of a basic shoe.

The guys encourage the public to come along to Mouille Point at noon on Saturday for a high five, a hang out, and a cold one.

It’s been a crazy adventure, and their travels have been logged on the CounterBalance blog. Check it out.

Well I think we can add 2oceansvibe as a whole to the body of outrage over this sham, regardless of faith.

Top Gear obviously missed the world-wide memo. 2oceansvibe are the original purveyors of Baby Jesus – in fact he happens to be a 2oceansvibe character. When he’s not fulfilling his duties as 2oceansvibe character and ambassador of the vibe, he forms part of a sort-of succesful dance music duo, Goldfish, or something like that. You may have heard of them.

Baby Jesus is none other than Dave Pool, and we’ll thank the BBC to steer clear of that kind of error ever again.

[Source: iAfrica]

The story has gone national, with stories on page three of today’s Die Burger, and on News24.com, following the posting of pictures of Liebenberg and van der Walt’s exploits on 2oceansvibe.

Cliff had the following to say, linking to the original 2oceansvibe post on the matter:

He also retweeted this post:

Martinengo, meanwhile was almost as brutal.

But Cliff’s comments, and the ones that he retweeted weren’t met with complete consensus. Prominent Cape Town blogger, Cape Town Girl, was one of many who expressed views contradictory to Cliff’s.

Follow Gareth on Twitter here, and Sasha on Twitter, here.

CLICK HERE for the photos broken by 2oceansvibe.

CLICK HERE for the original 2oceansvibe story, regarding the Cafe Caprice incident.

CLICK HERE for their official statement.

CLICK HERE for a previous story about van der Walt’s brawl at the Plett polo.

CLICK HERE for a previous story about van der Walt being accused of cruelty to animals.

Lingerie and Naked Sushi

Kira had developed a penchant for getting naked; or semi-naked at least. She liked the way it felt to wander around in high heels and lace. Particularly in lacy French knickers, accentuating the cheeky curves of her bum. In high heels her pelvis tilted slightly forward in much the same way that she would toward a lover if she was feeling aroused.

This proclivity for stripping down to her underwear seemed to have started the evening she met an American man at the 2oceansvibe radio launch party. She had arrived late from another function, hoping to meet the 2oceansvibe team and hear Jack Parow perform. Not knowing many people there she hadn’t stayed for long. Dean had stopped her on her way out and asked her for her contact details. At the time she had thought nothing of it. She was still hot for Julian and wanted him inside of her as much as possible. However, theirs was not an exclusive relationship and so she remained open to other opportunities.

When Dean suggested coffee, Kira invited him to join her at the Cosmo lingerie show. The show was held at the Upper East Side hotel, and showcased the most gorgeous women in very sexy underwear. Kira had dressed with the theme and worn a see-through chiffon top with a black balcony bra underneath.

Although not initially attracted to Dean, Kira loved his sense of humour, worldly knowledge, and warm charm. His energy drew her in; she loved being in his presence. Dean had only been in Cape Town for two months, but he had already developed a strong affinity for the Mother City.

The next time they met, they enjoyed Naked Sushi and comedy acts with a group of friends at the Bamboo Bar. Kira knew the naked sushi ladies from a Nettleton Road party. They were professional dancers and they had been employed to attend the party.

Nettleton Cocktales

There were usually only about twenty people at these smaller select parties. The same core group of men, including of course the billionaire who owned the uber-party pad, and various women. The other women were usually a lot younger than Kira, smoking hot in barely-there dresses.  Kira didn’t often see the same woman twice at the intimate dinners and parties. Her theory was that once they had served their purpose as playthings, they were replaced by the next smoking hottie to be conquered.

Kira was still trying to work out how she fitted into all of this. As a relative granny she wasn’t on a physical par with any of these beautiful young women. But Kira was aware that as her mojo had gone into overdrive she was smoke-signaling sex.

That evening after some of the younger women appeared to have been sent home with drivers; another group of women arrived. These women were different: quick to strip down to their underwear, their their bodies sexy with the music on the terrace. In the jacuzzi topless deep kissing happened without request: girls, guys, anyone.

Kira had chosen to keep her clothes on despite encouragement to undress. Softened by cocktails she swayed appreciatively to the music, gyrating with the dancers when they pressed their hips seductively against hers.

“K, you are a very sexy woman,” a voice from behind in her ear. Karl, the billionaire host, took her hand to dance. Karl rarely paid her any attention.

“Let’s undo just one top button,” his hands moved to the buttons on the front of her dress. “Just one button and then another.”

“I don’t think so, Karl. Behave.”

“Com’mon, K, just one button.”

She was flattered by the attention, but slapped his hand away.

“No, Karl, my dress stays on.”

“Then come with me, I have something to show you.”

His hand in hers leading her, a door opened, shut. Her back hard up against a wall, Karl’s tongue in her mouth. Her dress pushed above her waist, his hands everywhere. Kira could feel her body responding to his urgent touch. She knew that it would be so easy to let him take her. She also knew that “conquered” she would just become a number. She pushed him off her, pulling her dress down. He pushed back, his erection stiff against her stomach.

“I am so hot for you. And I can feel you.” His fingers inside her, her body telling him all he wanted to know.

“No, Karl. ” She pushed him off her again and walked towards the door. This was a man used to getting what he wanted. She needed to be firm.

Back outside on the terrace Karl, seated on a couch, snapped his fingers for his staff.

“Come and lie next to me on the couch.” A blanket arrived with one of his staff members and a packet of condoms on a tray. He patted the couch next to him.

“I just want to talk to you.” The condoms told a different story.

Kira sat down next to him. The blanket went over their legs.

“I am sorry if I was rough with you in there. I just wanted you so badly.” Kira nodded, her back did feel slightly bruised.

“Didn’t you just have sex with that young model you sent home a few hours ago?”

“Yes, but that was about five hours ago. I can go again with you.”

“Would she not be upset?”

“No, she understands, and she likes having many orgasms, so she comes to me.”

Karl undid his trouser buttons and his erection popped out. He took Kira’s hand. Seated next to them on the couch one of the dancers averted her eyes. Kira let her hand touch his erection. She could feel him throbbing, but Kira had no intention of bringing him to climax.

However, it was only when one of the dancers lay down on the low table in front of them, and with the help of her friend made – as a gift for Karl – a wax mould of her naked vagina, did Kira decide that she had stayed long enough and that it was time to leave.

Lingerie and Naked Sushi II

Kira wondered if she was going to get enough to eat. There were long queues for the naked dancers and their breast plates of California rolls and sashimi.

“Another cocktail?” Dean on her left.

“I would like to take you out sometime. You’re fun.” Dean’s overbearing friend, Paul, on her right. He was now bordering on harassment. He was simply not interesting and he made Kira’s skin crawl.

“Maybe we should get a table over there?” Kira grabbed Dean’s hand – quick escape, Paul left behind.

It was just the two of them at a table alone in the corner when Dean first said the word “naughty”.

Kira could not remember how the word had come into their dialogue, but when he said it, the way he said it, his accent, it made her want to crawl across the table and beg him to take her clothes off.

So later, when he did request that she remove her dress for him outside his apartment just off High Level Road, she obliged. Climbing out of her mini cooper she stripped down to her white lace lingerie, and in her high heels she did a little twirl in the street before kissing him good-bye and good night.

Think about that. I’m acting out my love for you.

Anyhow.

I was pacing through my inbox yesterday, setting fire to 427 emails that all started with “Hey, I have this great idea”, when I came upon yet another slice of spam.

“Ah, more food for the hungry trash can,” I thought to myself, out loud, as I do when I feel powerful and self-satisfied.

And literally miliseconds before I made the click to bin the piece of advertising dross, I spotted something important.

A name. A name I knew. A name many of you will know. I hadn’t heard from this name in a while.

I took a sip of Pimms, and delved into the netherworld of the email trash can, making a hasty rescue of the email.

And there it was, the name. It was tacked on to the end of a financial services advertisment. Michael Furter. Could it be? Could it be the prodigal 2oceansvibe character, The Wedding Singer?

I picked up my phone. I dropped Furter a text (please see phone rules, here). I asked if he was involved in the company in this advert.

He called me, and I answered (true story, this was a planned phone call – not one of those random ear rapes that everyone seems so keen on). Turns out he was involved in this company.

Long story short, I want you to know two things.

1) The Wedding Singer is alive and well, and he spent this last weekend sleeping on his couch.

2) He spent the whole weekend sleeping on his couch because he’s been a very busy boy setting up a company with a very similar spirit to 2oceansvibe (as 2oceansvibers do). It’s called Consequence, and it’s a financial services company that does investments, financial planning, wills, the whole shebang. Only they’re quite cool, because they’re not trying to screw you for all you’re worth, like the majority of financial services providers, and as it turns out, they don’t speak to you in Greek or ebonics, meaning you can actually understand what you’re being told, or sold, for that matter.

You now have a trusted financial services provider that falls squarely in the Vibe. I’m giving them my trust, so should you. And if you ever have any problems, you come talk to me, because that’s how the vibe operates.

Just one more part of your life made easier by 2oceansvibe. Thank me later.

Lovies

Daddy Cool (AKA Seth)

Click for larger image

Shame, there really could be worse things to do.

And that’s the truth. As it happens, we’re rather fond of Imogen, and we’ve put up our hand and partnered with Charl van Heyningen Enterprises for her two gigs here in the fairest Cape. She’ll be strolling in to the 2oceansvibe Radio studio in the Cape Quarter Lifestyle Village on the day of her first Cape Town gig for a chat and a hang out, as one does.

So don’t dally, kids. We’d like to see you (yes, you) at those gigs in February. Snap up your tickets here.

Also, Imogen is quite the tweeter. Fell free to hit her up here, and use the hashtag #ihgrabouw so we’re all on the same page.

One other thing. A little blue bird told me you could stand the chance to win tickets to the Cape Town gigs if you tune in to 2oceansvibe Radio Morning Show on weekdays between 08h00 and 12h00. You know what to do.

CLICK HERE to listen to 2oceansvibe Radio on your computer.

CLICK HERE to check out our Facebook page with pics of all the past guests!

CLICK HERE to listen on your iPhone, Blackberry or Android.

ImogenHeap.com

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On the 29th of November 2010 they’ll be undertaking a marathon trek from Saldanha, on South Africa’s West Coast, to Cape Town. That’s a distance of 142 kilometres. Now I don’t know about you, but the daily trip to the water cooler is a significant achievement for me.

Oh yeah, small detail. They’ll be doing it in wheel chairs.

Wheel chairs, ladies and gents. That means powered by arm  and mental toughness alone.

Not. Too. Shabby.

Dries and Glenn will be arriving at the Parliament Buildings in Cape Town on 3 December 2010, National Disability Awareness Day.

Their three main goals are:

1. To salute and praise the people out there who are living with disabilities and who manage to remain positive and to live full and independent lives.
2. To create public awareness of people living with disabilities and to change the stereotyped perception of disabled persons as less capable than able bodied persons.
3. The more immediate and tangible goal of the event is to raise funds for the establishment of a sports centre for the paraplegics and disabled people of the Saldanha/ Vredenberg district. The costs of which is estimated at no less than R3 million.

Great vibe. Check out their website and their Facebook fan page for more info.

[Source : BoingBoing]

Thinus Ferreira reports that Abrahams “has a complete emotional breakdown when Niyaaz Arendse (14) from Cape Town performs.”

Apparently Randall Abrahams’ most recent software release makes provision for complex and subtle expression. Empathy is expected to be released as an optional update later in the year.

Twitter is abuzz with realtime reports of clashes between police and residents of Hangberg, in Hout Bay.

News24′s Dan Calders is on the ground, posting an up to the minute photo essay on Twitter.

Eye witnesses have reported plumes of smoke rising from the area, and police firing rubber bullets at residents, who are firing flares in retaliation.

News24 reports that one of its journalists on the scene was struck by a rubber bullet.

Duncan Alfreds was on the phone to the News24 newsroom when he suddenly exclaimed “oh shit, I’ve been shot”.

The latest photo and video footage suggests that the police have begun moving into the area on foot to quell the unrest.

Pictures after the jump.

Police move in to Hangberg

Residents burn tyres and refuse

Police fire rubber bullets at residents

You know at school when you were playing cricket, or tennis, or badminton, or javelin, or whatever, and the coach lent in for a little advice?

“Go hard.”

That’s what every self-respecting coach tells his charges when the moment demands it. Even if you fail, at least you’ve failed hard.

And Marine Taxis have gone hard. Specifically, Ms Ursula Brown, PR Manager of Marine Taxis, has gone very hard.

It all started when fellow Capetonian, Shaun Oakes, blogged his experience of a ride in a Marine Taxis cab over two years ago.

You can read it here.

Two years down the line, and Marine Taxis is not, repeat, not, very happy about the fairly innocuous blog post. In fact, they’re so unhappy that they sent this unsolicited, and entirely cryptic email to Oakes via his website contact form.

Contact Shaun Oakes
Your Name: Ursula Brown
Email: ****@marinetaxis.co.za
Website: www.marinetaxis.co.za
Message: Mr Oakes.. Note yr request about what not to do when corresponding with yrself. But I must say that this is a serious case of the pot calling the kettle black as u seem to have done this yourself with yr unsubstantiated uncommented “story” on your site which even our “hijacked” logo. Please remove this story asap…… pronto……..

What happens after that is a crapstorm of missed points and poor decisions. Introducing Ms Ursula Brown, whose self-named public relations qualifications include:

• “Being an ex-teacher”
• “ran an Internet Cafe in Sea Point for five years”
• “has a Southern African web portal (GPR 5)”
• “been in marketing, advertising and PR since 1972″
• “am accredited media world-wide”
• “attending 19th Indaba in a row”

But let’s not forget any professionals greatest qualification, their network:

• “two ex husbands and three sons all in IT”
• “I have gazillions of qualified tutors in my family and/or via years of contacts who are a mere phone call away.”

Contacted for comment, Ms Brown explained that she had been in her PR position at Marine Taxis for less than two months, and that her brief was to find and eliminate all unauthorised media related to Marine Taxis. She alleged that the entire fracas was born of the fact that Oakes claimed that the original post was bona fide advertising.

There are almost too many highlights to mention, so we suggest you read the whole David Thorn-esque exchange over at Oake’s blog, but before you go, we’ve got a few tidbits to recommend:

1. Oakes to Brown: This one, from 2008? [link removed]. Where I advertised your services? Why would I take this down?
2. Brown to Oakes: Firstly, if, you were indeed, “Advertising your services”, I request a signed off approval from ourselves. And then, regardless of whether or not you are holding a signed proof, we request that you remove “story/advert/whatever you may call it” with immediate effect.
3. Oakes to Brown: “I don’t think you quite understand how blogs and the internet works, so let me educate you: Demanding that I get ’signed-off approval’ before mentioning your brand is ridiculous. Are you familiar with Facebook? Or Twitter?”
4. Brown to Oakes: “And as far as your “let me educate you” skills are concerned… well, they suck…Regarding thinly veiled pseudo threat, please, be my guest, twitter away or go on to Facebook or wherever else you wish, have fun and do your worst…”

Well, Shaun accepted the invitation, and he’s gone hard, done his worst best.

Catch the whole sordid affair over here.

A national hero

For breakfast, it’s steak porridge.

For lunch, it’s steak.

Around 3pm it’s a blended steak meal replacement.

For dinner, it’s steak, with a side of biltong.

We could be talking of no other than South Africa’s freshest Guinness World Record holder, Jan Braai.

Our man did us proud by braaing consecutively for more than thirty hours, meat always on the griddle, coals always hot, and a twinkle always in the eye. Pretty average stuff over a weekend for Jan, really.

Jan claiming his rightful place in history

In addition to the holding the Guinness World Record for the longest consecutive open air barbecue, Jan is now the undisputed Man of South Africa. With a capital “M”.

Join Jan and every other proud South African and braai for heritage next Friday.

Follow Jan on twitter.

The Big Issue vendor who suffered unwarranted humiliation at the hands of has shown us once again why this country is ultimately worth believing in.

Despite initial reports that Florence Godonwana, 36, would lay charges of crimen injuria against the men who threw water on her, she has asked instead for a simple apology.

It appears that the driver of the bakkie came forward to reveal his identity after sustained pressure exerted by a press and social media campaign to out the culprits.

This, from the Big Issue’s website.

The Big Issue vendor, Florence Godonwana, has decided not to press charges of crimen injuria against the group of young men who allegedly doused her with water on September 11th. Instead, Godonwana would like to give the youths the opportunity to follow their conscience, step forward and apologise for the humiliating incident.

“I would like them to come personally to me and apologise, each one of them, and they must realise why they should never do anything like this to anyone else. Everyone has the right to dignity, and everyone has the right to work to try put food on the table so our children will not go to bed hungry. They must respect that,” said Godonwana.

“I also want them to come walk a day in my shoes. They must come sell The Big Issue and see that it’s not a game. We’re not playing; it’s a hard job.”

Florence, you fully understand The Vibe. We salute you.

You can support Florence and other vendors like her by purchasing a R14 copy of the latest Big Issue mag.

On Saturday afternoon, at around 15h30, a group of young men in a white bakkie (that’s a “pick-up” or a “ute” for our foreign readers) called a Big Issue vendor over to their stationary vehicle at a traffic light in central Cape Town.

They then allegedly poured acid water all over her, and her wares.

This, from the Big Issue website.

The Big Issue was notified that at approximately 17h30 yesterday (Saturday 11 September 2010) a group of men driving a white bakkie CA568 413 allegedly called over one of our vendors on the corner of Hans Strydom and Eastern Boulevard, Cape Town CBD and threw water over her. There are witnesses to the incident and a photo of the men in the bakkie was taken.

The vendor was subsequently identified as Florence Godonwana, a single mother of three, who has decided to lay charges of crimen injuria against the alleged perpetrators. The Big Issue’s Social Development department will be assisting her to do this and supporting her throughout. The people who witnessed the incident have also indicated they will offer her their full support in terms of acting as witnesses and, if necessary, testifying in court.

This isn’t the first time that an incident like this has happened. Big Issue vendors suffer a dazzlingly creative array of abuses on a daily basis. Unfortunately for these gallant chaps, the Cape Argus News Editor Natasha Joseph happened to be in the vehicle behind them.

She snapped a photo on her camera phone, and tweeted both the shot and details of the incident on her Twitter feed.

And then all hell broke loose. These guys are the most hunted individuals in the city of Cape Town. ETV news is on this, the papers are on this, Cape Town tweeps are on this. Blogs are going nuts.

Gentleman of CA 568 413, the Internet will find you. You should never have messed with Florence.

When their students aren’t quibbling over gay kissing, UCT and Stellenbosch University are waging beer war.

And beer is most certainly worth waging war over. Consider these wise words of wisdom from greater men than I:

“You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline – it helps if you have some kind of football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.” – Frank Zappa

“Not all chemical are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.” – Dave Barry

“All right, brain, I don’t like you and you don’t like me – so let’s just do this and I’ll get back to killing you with beer.” – Homer Simpson

But we’re not talking about the predictable, passe, philistine “down-down” kind of beer war. It’s the on-campus beer production kind of war.

Oh, you didn’t know that both universities have micro-breweries on campus? Really? And you didn’t know that both institutions had made it to the finals of the SAB Intervarsity Brewing Competition?

Well that’s how we roll with academics in the Cape. You Rhodes chaps might have the edge on everyone else when it comes to sheer consumption of alcohol per capita, but can you MAKE it?

Needless to say, 2oceansvibe is standing behind the UCT Micro-Brewery on this one, otherwise known as BUCT.

Ashton, Murray and Hari were in the studio today, sampling a little of the BUCT Weiss Beer that’s walked it’s way into the final.

The final tasting is this weekend.

We await the final results with great interest. One thing is for sure: this weekend, beer is the winner.

Those of you who are Stellenbosch University Alumni may perhaps remember the annual “Soen in die Laan” (“Kiss in the Lane”) event, at which scores of students clench lips in a moment of heady abandon.

Such a lovely Casablanca vibe, hey?

Yeah, it is. Except…

Except a sizeable chunk of the Stellenbosch student body is UP IN ARMS, because – and get this – those frigging moffies at UCT stuffed it up for everyone.

Two male UCT students, Mark Brown and Orn Czepan, were snapped sucking face at the Soen in die Laan. The subsequent photo was published on the front page of Stellenbosch’s student paper, Die Matie.

So bloody typical of those liberal, left-wing, red-lipped, homo-loving, commi UCT bastards to rainbow on the pride parade.

Apparently the massed involvement of homosexuals in the Soen in die Laan was coordinated (quite flexibly) by Stellenbosch University society “Lesbigay”, whose members reportedly have absolutely NO idea what their sexual orientation will be on any given day of the week.

Yislaaik!

[Source : IOL]

Morning, Chaps.

If you didn’t tune in 2oceansvibe Radio this morning, then you missed a cracker. Make sure you hit the podcast when it comes out.

In any event, you have an opportunity to redeem yourself and prove once more that you’re worthy of the Vibe.

Cape Town is hosting the Ubuntu Festival this weekend (no, NOT the OpenSource software). What is the Ubuntu Festival, you ask? Well, as one might reasonably assume, it’s a festival that celebrates the principles of Ubuntu, namely community, respect, stoked vibes and the fellowship of humankind.

At least that’s my interpretation, anyhow.

BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY: Charly’s Bakery is spicing the vibe up for us on Sunday 18th July, Mandela Day.

Jacqui Biess, and her lovely daughters Alex, Daniella and Roche of Charly’s Bakery, are calling on all Capetonians to join them on a walk through our beautiful city to rediscover our streets and celebrate the life of the Grand Nelson, as we like to call him.

Here’s an appeal straight from Jacqui and the gang:

Our planned route starts off at St George’s Cathedral, moves along St George’s mall, and links up with the bridge which crosses over Buitengracht street, which crosses over onto Somerset road and then past the Cape Quarter into Green Point.

So please join us from 12-2 at St George’s Cathedral, bring your friends and families and anyone else who would like to join, and show your support for peace and human rights as we walk the Fan Walk.

Let us not close our hearts and our homes to our people. We ALL screamed our lungs out for Africa & all Africans and let the tears roll as we saw Ghana lose to Uruguay. Let us hold onto Africa proudly saying “These are OUR people!”

Our Tata has shown us what it means to be free and to be able to live without fear of being who you are. He did it for 67 years, we can do it for 67 minutes.

To celebrate what Madiba has inspired in our nation, we are inviting people to join us for a Fan Walk for Peace & Unity in order to say NO to further xenophobic violence.

That’s a cool vibe, guys. Check out the Facebook page, here. See you there.

Cape Town vibers, a little blue bird told me that South African muso Farryl Purkiss will be playing an exclusive, intimate gig at a chilled, private venue on the Atlantic Seaboard this evening.

The first five vibers to email me (correct email after jump) get their name on the list, as well as the details of where, and when.

Drop an email to silverstreak@2oceansvibe.com with your name and number.

Although this is most definitely “in the vibe”, you should know that this is NOT, repeat, NOT an official 2oceansvibe event, so we can’t guarantee you’ll be able to cast your eyes upon the magnificence that is Rotherham.

The smaller half of Die Antwoord’s vocal duo, Yolandi Vi$$er, has just klapped Hollywood in the hol, ek se.

She was approached by some corporate naaiers who tjooned her to play the main betty in a movie-film version of Stieg Larsson’s The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo.

Moreover, my pedigree chums, the film is to be directed by David Fincher, the oke who churned out the masterpieces Fight Club and Seven.

Yolandi, who can often be seen pootling around Oranjezicht in her running shoes, said…

1) She’s not interested

2) Die Antwoord is her life, and

3) She didn’t know about the book.

…

… … …

…

Yu, yu, yuuuuuu!

[Source : News24]

The virtual tour itself let’s you cruise around the Cape Royale hotel (spinning 360 degrees up AND down in every room), with “hotspots” which allow you access to the next room – ultimately leading you up to my private penthouse..

The Cape Royale lobby – after you click to open the front door

Above is a screenshot from the actual page you can go to for your own mind-blowing virtual tour. You will notice not only the purple icon in the top left portion of the picture (allowing you to “jump” to the next inter-leading room) but also action icons beneath the main image, letting you move around the current room; up, down, left, right- zooming in and out.

Zooming in and out comes in quite handy – especially when you make your way from the lobby, into the elevator and through to my suite. Once you get there, I’d advise you to pop into the bedroom, as I have a bit of a surprise for you..

And don’t even get me started on the bathroom.

No, I’m serious – there is a bubble bath shot.. Let alone the lingerie shot taken in the kitchen..

There are also incredible vistas of the mother city, taken from the Sky Bar and pool deck, as well as from my balcony, showing never-seen-before footage of the World Cup Stadium in all her glory, at night.

The genius who made this for me also managed to add hotspots to all the various 2oceansvibe brands which are always found dotted around my life. This allows you to follow-up on those brands, should you wish, simply by clicking the green icons dotted around the virtual tour.

So do yourself a favour and check out this INCREDIBLE virtual tour of the penthouse at my primary residence – The Cape Royale Hotel.

CLICK HERE FOR VIRTUAL TOUR

Check it out:

See original ad HERE

R3,000 a month for the best time of your life it looks like!

“Let’s help each other get LAID!!!”

Hah! Stifler would approve!

[thanks jess]

In particular, it is very interesting to note that the gender split is nearly 50/50. That, and the fact that it is a bigger industry than porn!

Now that’s impressive! Because porn is pretty big..

Wow, a third of woman who meet men online have sex on their first encounter!

Ooh, you little sluts

[source]

You know the party is going to be big when the venue was chosen specifically for its size – so as to accommodate the sheer number of people!

What am I talking, you ask? Oh nothing, just “THE VIBE” – a party in Camps Bay brought to you by 2oceansvibe and Marina’s Little Black Book. Everybody will be there, trust me. All the rock stars. All the schlebs. All the jocks. All the schmodels. All the geeks. All the TV stars. All the film stars. All the party people.

The whole vibe and nothing but the vibe, so help me God!

And that includes South Africa’s HOTTEST party DJ’s on the scene at the moment – THE WEDDING DJ’s will be taking this party into the stratosphere!

CLICK HERE TO SECURE YOUR TICKET
Get there soon – tickets are limited!

For those of you who have never heard of the Wedding DJ’s (pffft!) do yourself a favour and ask your friends about them. You have NEVER had more fun than at a party with these guys playing. Seriously, just ask someone. Do it – they’ll back me up 100% And it’s not weird doof-doof trance/whatever music – it’s the stuff you LOVE. Get-up-and-party music!

It’s gonna be off the chain! Be there and I promise you will never forget it.

CLICK HERE FOR FACEBOOK PAGE

CLICK HERE TO SECURE YOUR TICKET

Get there soon – tickets are limited!

x

If I was caught (in the cupboard) I’d probably have to think on my feet in terms of the excuse I would give the gentleman. It would be tricky.

How elaborate would your story be?

Something like this, perhaps?

Now that’s elaborate!

Sure beats the old “I just came for a cup of coffee” angle!

.

[thanks brian + high-five to graham]

They’re taking it national (properly) soon and want to get a South African champ to send to the World Series next year. No, I’m not joking. You don’t know about the RPS World Series? Seriously – they often show it on ESPN.

Non-Fiction.

Back to the video. I just first want to say that I am completely and utterly blown away by the amount of hot angels in this video. WTF? So many! All hot! Some of them even flash their chest at the camera – it’s seriously wild. I strongly advise you go next time!

Check it out:

Hey?

Best night of your life – FACT!

Don’t be shy to read up on the sport on their Wikipedia page (here), including history, variations, strategy and more!

[thanks toby]

Time for an upgrade? Pop on down to sugarcupid.com!

The website goes for this vibe – and I quote:

Sugar Daddy – rich and successful. No time for games? Looking to support and pamper women (Prada handbags) who will treat you like a king (daily blow jobs)? Interested in a discrete and mutually beneficial relationship? Time to be a Sugar Daddy!

Sugar Baby – attractive and young. Struggling in the early part of your career? Seeking a generous benefactor to mentor and take care of you – perhaps financially? You will make the perfect Sugar Baby!

And what’s more – it’s LOCAL! Jeepers! This thing will be a HIT on Cape Town’s Atlantic Seaboard!

Sugarcupid.com
Check at the honey our boy has picked up!

“..discrete and mutually beneficial?” – ie. an affair? (I assume they meant “discreet”?)

“PERHAPS financially?” - Hahaha, as if it’s an afterthought! That’s just too special! In English : Studies, car, iPhone, handbags, holidays and jewellery.

I’d like to see the state of the angels in their database. Better yet, I’d dig to check the state of the guys who reckon they make the “sugar daddy” grade!

These guys should do a deal with Harley Davidson and create some kind of a mid-life crisis package. Better yet, rope in a law firm to take care of the divorce at the same time!

Aaah, good times..

[thanks brett]

singlesharks.co.za

Ja, look, those are obviously just promotion or Sharks girls on the right of the screen – I doubt they’re “available” on the dating site. But look at “Tarryn” – that little angel at the bottom, third from the third. Damn, she looks like a bona fide cracker!

And for the girls out there, have a squizz at “Jacques” in the middle. He looks like he’s good to go, right?

Apparently when girls go on it asks what kind of guy they’re looking for, and then it gives them options in that category, using names of Sharks players as examples. So girls can choose from the “soft and caring” list and then, within that list, they’ll have guys like John Smit and Beast Mtawarira. Or they can choose the “sex machine” list, which has names like Rory Kockott and Francois Steyn. So they choose which player is closest to what they’re looking for, and it spits out options closely resembling that player.

Pretty cool, hey?

[thanks michael]

UPDATE – it should be noted that recent intelligence suggests that the website above is in no way OFFICIALLY linked to sharks rugby. We also confirmed that the birds shown above are not available to date on the website. I don’t know what that leaves you with but, you know, enjoy it anyway!

For some real sharks Rugby action, check out The Barndog and the boys at sharksrugby.co.za

That’s when she stumbled upon this little BEAUT!

3 bed, Fully Itatlian Furnished Clifton beach house
Ad ID: 139760893

Hi All you gorgeous cape town ladies out there! I am an adult film producer and own a 3 bedroom house (fully furnished with imported italian couches etc) on Clifton 1st beach. I am not asking for rent, just beautiful open minded women who appreciate the finer things in life. Ideally I am looking for 2 girls to occupy whenever is convenient or needed. I’m not really there much as I travel a lot for shoots etc but expect the right candidates to be comfortable on adult camera. Think of this as a mini playboy mansion in a much hotter location. I’m a pretty chilled guy, 27 years old, white and single. All adult shoots would be paid very well too so basically the house is just a deal sweetener

 

He included this picture
of the Clifton beach house

 

To apply send one full length photo fully clothed and one other photo showing me your naughty side and you will be contacted personally by me if you make me look twice ha ha

Thanks – PS – if you take offence to this ad please note I have nothing to hide and am being completely honest – then, if you still have a problem go to the next one

Later, Al

[click here for ad]

Hey?

Gotta love that guy – for sheer ballsiness. That, and the fact that he really is “living the holiday!”

And the PHOTO that he used, instead of a shot of the house? Let alone the heading “Itatlian.”

Quite simply – awesome!

Hey, give me a break – I’m 27. I’ve got a Clifton pad on the beach. I dig beautiful women. Let’s chat – I’m sure we can come to an “arrangement.”

Can I fix you a drink?

Hysterical! Check out (apply to?) his gumtree ad here.

[thanks clare]

Or, should I say you wake up in the morning and see a string of “WHERE ARE YOU???” texts and unanswered booty calls in your own sent items folder?

Ja, well, a website has been made to showcase all of the various late night drunk text messages that are sent around the world. It’s called Texts From Last Night (www.textsfromlastnight.com ).

Go there right now and enjoy it. Who know, you might even see some of your own handiwork..

CLICK HERE for Texts From Last Night

Just a tip before you send these kind of messages – NO ONE IS STILL OUT AT FOUR IN THE MORNING! And if they are, it WON’T be the person you are trying to contact!

My favourite recent example was from a mate who sent this at 04h15 after his angel dragged him away from us earlier at around 22h00, “Hey, just woke up from a quick nap – you guys still out?”

Whaah! Whatever!

[thanks everyone]

Right up your alley, perhaps?

The website is called This Is The Life (TITL) and you can find it here (madge-thisisthelife.blogspot.com/) and I’d say this is for the laydezz! although the boys could pick up a few tips..

This is the life

A friend noticed that she was linking to 2oceansvibe and, after reviewing it, I thought you’d like to know about it!

Maybe you know her already?

Enjoy this little excerpt:

I’m just not in the mood to bore you all with my rather eventful weekend, but what I will do is give you all a few words and let you fill in the gaps. This could definitely end up being interesting…

Let’s start on Friday: Drinks after work, drunk, speed home, accused of having an affair with my boss (noooooo!) and told to get out of the house, the switch flicks, lots of violence, flashing blue lights…

Just to let you all know I’m fine, apart from having really sore arms, where I bashed into blocking arms.

The moral of the story: “Don’t fuck with me when I’m drunk and in particular when I’m angry at you already!” I must say, it was a good release for me. Probably all the pent-up anger of the past year coming out in one go.

Check it out.

Perhaps you guys should chat?

It’ll make your day.

60-foot penis painted on roof

An 18-year-old has secretly painted a 60ft drawing of a phallus on the roof of his parents’ £1million mansion in Berkshire. It was there for a year before his parents found out. They say he’ll have to scrub it off when he gets back from travelling.

[more here]

Good one

That story includes all eight shades of awesome . God, 18 is a beautiful age.

It’s also interesting to note that important news sources like the BBC also mention unspeakable words like “penis” from time to time.

Goodness! [holds hand over mouth] What would their advertisers think? They should have their hand smacked!

UPDATE: It has been noted that the BBC is a public broadcaster and therefore does not carry any advertisements. I think this fact further bolsters the humorous argument above. The fact that the BBC, which belongs to the public, can use the word penis in a story, vindicates everything. Forever. Amen

[thanks phil]

Put your bag down.

Take of your kit.

‘atta girl!

Megan Fox
Comes home

That’s right, team, Megs is back

Check, check, check it out:

 

Megan Fox has split from her fiancé.

The ‘Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen’ star and Brian Austin Green (see you around, Brian) are said to have made a mutual decision to separate after three years together.

A source said: “The relationship had run its course. It’s completely amicable, and they are remaining friends. They are both focusing on their careers.”

Green (35) is also an actor and has regularly appeared on TV show ‘Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles’.

The couple — who showed their love for each other by getting tattoos — met in 2004 before getting engaged in 2006

Only a few months ago, Fox was still talking about marriage.

She said: “It’s not going to be a big wedding. I’m not one of those girls — if it happens, it will be very low-key and quick and unplanned.”

Rumours their romance was on the rocks were sparked in January, when Fox attended the Golden Globes alone.

The 22-year-old beauty said: “Brian doesn’t want to be here. He doesn’t want to be my date. He’s a man. He has an ego. I think he’s probably working on music. I don’t think he cares.”

Jesus, sorry about that Brian… [hand over mouth - muffled laughter] Why did she have to PUNISH him like that?

Let’s go through that one more time:

The 22-year-old beauty said: “Brian doesn’t want to be here. He doesn’t want to be my date. He’s a man. He has an ego. I think he’s probably working on music. I don’t think he cares.”

Whaaah!

Good times. Good times. [head tilted down, shaking head slowly, smiling]

Stoned.

[thanks andrew]

]]> http://www.2oceansvibe.com/2009/02/27/megan-fox-is-back-on-the-market/feed/ 1 http://www.2oceansvibe.com/2009/02/18/cosmopolitan-sex-survey-its-for-the-birds/ http://www.2oceansvibe.com/2009/02/18/cosmopolitan-sex-survey-its-for-the-birds/#comments Wed, 18 Feb 2009 06:00:00 +0000 Seth Rotherham http://www.2oceansvibe.com/2009/02/18/cosmopolitan-sex-survey-its-for-the-birds/ Read more...

The contents of the Love Box

Knead (Wembley Square – Cape Town) are offering the boxes (with the above delights) at R75, which includes a R10 donation to St. Anne’s Homes which provides shelter and support for pregnant, abused and homeless women and their children. I do hope they’ll be forwarding some of the proceeds to Rihanna.

I thought I would take things further and have got my Butlers to take all of my Love Boxes to the various angels in my life. They liked the idea so much, they are offering it to you as well. For R99, Butlers will deliver your Love Boxes for you. Or the original R75 if you order a pizza!

Look out for my Butlers running around the city with
Love Boxes all over their vibe!

And lastly, when you decide to be a LOVE BOXER,
remember to choose the colour of your card
according to your love vibe:

RED for TRUE LOVERS

PINK for SECRET ADMIRERS

YELLOW for FAMILY AND FRIENDS

GREEN for TEAM WORKERS

BLACK for HATE

I’m kidding, there is no black.

Get involved people – this MUST be the tastiest, easiest, most satisfying Valentine’s Day vibe I have ever come across created.

TOO divine!

Place your order at 0860 BUTLER (288537)
during office hours

or call 072 143 0000

or email loveboxer@butlers.co.za

]]> http://www.2oceansvibe.com/2009/02/12/send-a-valentines-day-love-box/feed/ 2 http://www.2oceansvibe.com/2009/02/04/valentines-day-with-agent-provocateur/ http://www.2oceansvibe.com/2009/02/04/valentines-day-with-agent-provocateur/#comments Wed, 04 Feb 2009 13:10:00 +0000 Seth Rotherham http://www.2oceansvibe.com/2009/02/04/valentines-day-with-agent-provocateur/ Read more...

www.pmsbuddy.com

With a woman’s menstrual cycle (someone had to say it) taking 28 days, rather than a full month of 30/31 days, THAT time of the month does change over time. For guys it can be hard to keep track of, resulting in confusion when their other half flips out over nothing. That’s where PMS Buddy comes into play.

According to www.pmsbuddy.com:

PMSBuddy.com is a free service created with a single goal in mind: to keep you aware of when your wife, girlfriend, mother, sister, daughter, or any other women in your life are closing in on “that time of the month” – when things can get intense for what may seem to be no reason at all.

For women, this is a great way to give people in your life a heads-up of when you might be feeling a bit irritable without having an awkward conversation.

What’s more, we will not only keep you informed, but will give you some free advice on what to do about it. With PMSBuddy.com, there is no reason to ever be blindsided by PMS again.

PMSBuddy.com – Saving relationships, one month at a time!

“Saving relationships, one month at a time” – whaahahah!

They’ve got over 15,000 women that they’re tracking, as well as a gauge showing what the overall combined threat it. Check it out:

Ridiculous. Yet necessary.

I reckon you get to that website and signup ASAP.

www.pmsbuddy.com

]]> http://www.2oceansvibe.com/2009/02/04/pms-buddy-com/feed/ 0 http://www.2oceansvibe.com/2009/02/02/urban-slang-lesson-muffin-top/ http://www.2oceansvibe.com/2009/02/02/urban-slang-lesson-muffin-top/#comments Mon, 02 Feb 2009 06:15:00 +0000 Seth Rotherham http://www.2oceansvibe.com/2009/02/02/urban-slang-lesson-muffin-top/ Read more...

I have no idea who these people are.
I found the pic on Google images.
So as to “set the scene.”

Then you get the other kind – the angry kind. When the groom is convinced his best mate is marrying the wrong chick and he comes across genuinely bitter. The concept can, however, turn into complete hilarity if the guy scripts it and delivers it like a horse race commentator.

Like this guy. Taken from a Kiwi radio show.

This is what we refer to as GOLD.

CLICK HERE if that doesn’t play

You know the insurance company called OutSurance?

Ja, well, take the second part and replace it with “standing.”

Sorry, that was poor.

[thanks Simon]

Don’t you love that classic male intro? “Yeah, so I’m at this bar the other night..”

Brilliant!

So anyway, I was at this bar the other night ordering a drink. I can’t remember what the drink was (probably French), but this little vixen of a bar lady took my order. She was about to turn around to get the drinks and then, as though the spirit of Don Juan and Casanova took control of my body, I said unto her:

An example of a bar environment

“Sorry, before you get that, what is your name?”

She gave a broad smile, blinked a few times and declared, “Nicola.”

“Aah, yes…Nicola,” I said, quickly followed by the words, “I thought so.”

“You thought so? How did you know” she asked, confused. (bless her)

And this is when it all fell into place in the section of my brain which designs clever little saying and concepts. I pretended that it wasn’t important, and that she had pushed me to explain it to her:

“No, it’s just…. it’s just a friend of mine. A friend of mine said that there was a fucking hot chick working here, with the name Nicola.”

WELL!

When I tell you that the chick melted on the fucking spot I’m not over exaggerating. God, it was disgusting! Drinks were being poured for free! Eyelashes were fluttering! She was drinking secret shooters with me! It was PATHETIC! Within ten minutes the phone number had been written down on a till slip and passed to me via a friend. God, it was like I was the only guy at the bar. I really killed it. It was mass murder. Seriously. Napalm.

You see it’s very confusing for the angel to get her head around it all. Because the second section of the pickup line wouldn’t have come along if she hadn’t asked “why.” And she ignores the fact that it’s close to impossible for any human being to not ask why. So in her cute little butterfly-ridden angel brain, it couldn’t have been planned. SHE prompted the grand finale. He CAN’T be a player. Oh my God, this guy is a KEEPER!

She’ll be on the phone to her mother and practicing her signature with your surname before dawn.

It was very naughty of me to come up with such a perfect pickup routine but, as you know, I can’t help myself – I just want you to be the best you can be. It’s all for you.

Take it.

ENJOY it.

The sleepover situation is EXACTLY what chicks use to gauge where the relationship is. How many nights a week are we together? That is the all-defining gauge. It is permeated with other finely tuned indicators. For example – how many times are we not having sex during these sleepovers? (at the beginning of the relationship, each number of nights together WITHOUT sex is a stronger and stronger indication that he really loves you and might not be “fucking you around”.) And, of course, how many of your personal effects are at his house? Toothbrush? Book? underwear? Shoes? The more personal effects, the more serious the relationship.

I will make him mine

So back to the sleepover gauge. I would imagine there is a ratio of sleepover time that can be split between the work week and the weekend. You could probably trade one weekend night on your own in return for a full week sleeping over together every night – at her place. If you give her every weekend night for two weeks, then you’re allowed two week nights on your own. In a row.

‘Cos if you don’t do it like that she’ll think something is wrong and she will corner you and ask things like, “Where the fuck is this all going? Tell me if I am wasting my fucking time here? ‘Cos I’m not going to be your fuck toy!”

Most chicks don’t like the idea of you just working on the relationship when you feel like it. That’s just not enough stability for our girls. No, no…none of that. They’ll go fucking psycho. This is what they mean when you hear guys saying, “Then the chick went fucking psycho!”

So you play along, sneaking in “special” sleep-time on your own whenever you can. You’re trying to trick yourself into thinking that there is no routine here and you haven’t just woken up in the middle of a “serious relationship,” heading dangerously close to “forever.”

Next thing you know….. it’s been a year…

What the fuck happened there?

She has a whole closet to herself at your house. With numerous outfits in it.

How did THOSE get there?

I know……terrifying..

You see, you went for the wrong angle. You were sleeping. She trapped you with secret messages hidden in her everyday speech. Like subliminal advertising – keeping you oblivious to what is going on. Like when she happens to be with you while you’re buying shit for your house and says you should buy a particular fragrance of toilet spray because, she “prefers ocean breeze flavour!”

And there it is! Right there! You don’t realise that the moment where you agree that her opinion counts in your home, has just passed. And you didn’t even realise! Wake up, chum!

My vibe is different. I’m like……I’ll call you. But don’t freak me out. Then I’ll call you again.

Sometimes I might be pissed. It might be late.

Fucking DEAL WITH IT.

Come for the odd sleepover.

This will continue for some time until you get the call up for the “Sunday Chillout session.” Best you be there.

Random sleepovers after bumping into each other in the evenings will continue. Please note that there is NO pattern forming here WHATSOEVER. Don’t even try to structure an algorithm that makes sense of it. It is TOTALLY RANDOM. The only routine you could possibly work out, would be the Sundays. That is the ONLY stability here. Either it’s one Sunday on, one Sunday off. Or both on. Sometimes maybe a full Sunday, sometimes maybe just an arvee. And SOMETIMES we’ll follow through with a spot of Carte Blanche and the 8 o’ clock movie and a sleepover.

Don’t read too much into a Sunday night sleepover. It’s not a big deal. It’s just nice to get a blowjob on a Monday morning.

Your big thing to look out for at this juncture would be an invite as a partner to a dinner or an event, like a wedding or a bar mitzvah. You’ll probably crack the invite during the first or second coffee date.

You don’t have to be a genius to work out that this means I’m cool with the boys getting some face time with you. You get on really well with them and you let me go and play nicely when the whole extended team is out together. Again, we’re stressing the MY TIME issue here. We’ll work out an angle for you later. But for now, look for c(l)ues….. don’t give them.

Next step : make me stuff. Create things for me or buy me stuff. I don’t know…… bake a fucking cake….write me a card….whatever. Surprise me with gifts. Again, please be careful here. It’s gifts we’re looking for. Courier it to me or give it to The P.A. This is not a physical thing. Don’t jump out of the fucking microwave at The Safe House or let me find you curled up on my doormat with one of those terrifying skew psycho-wants-to-play smiles. It’s gift time. Just gifts. This process will come at a good time and will make me stop for a second and realise that I quite dig you. The only-child thing is probably the cause of this.

You’ll get the call up for some more mid-week sleepovers. Sometimes without sex. That’s right, you heard me!

Kyk hoe lyk hy nou! Next thing you know, you’re doing regular sleepovers!

Now how difficult was that? Notice how there was never a moment when either party discussed where this is going.

Now see how you got what you wanted in the end? Sure, it’s more risky for you, as you’re never really certain where you stand. Does he love you? Or are you a little whore? Who knows!? You’ll just have to see where it ends up. Or get out of there quick. I can’t make that decision for you and we’re not going to discuss it.

Look, we CAN……….but that’ll blow it.

Then you’re a psycho..