2oceans Vibe

I picked this up from the BBC.

It’ll make your day.

60-foot penis painted on roof

An 18-year-old has secretly painted a 60ft drawing of a phallus on the roof of his parents’ £1million mansion in Berkshire. It was there for a year before his parents found out. They say he’ll have to scrub it off when he gets back from travelling.

[more here]

Good one

That story includes all eight shades of awesome . God, 18 is a beautiful age.

It’s also interesting to note that important news sources like the BBC also mention unspeakable words like “penis” from time to time.

Goodness! [holds hand over mouth] What would their advertisers think? They should have their hand smacked!

UPDATE: It has been noted that the BBC is a public broadcaster and therefore does not carry any advertisements. I think this fact further bolsters the humorous argument above. The fact that the BBC, which belongs to the public, can use the word penis in a story, vindicates everything. Forever. Amen

[thanks phil]

Welcome home, Megs. We missed you, my babes.

Put your bag down.

Take of your kit.

‘atta girl!

Megan Fox
Comes home

That’s right, team, Megs is back

Check, check, check it out:

 

Megan Fox has split from her fiancé.

The ‘Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen’ star and Brian Austin Green (see you around, Brian) are said to have made a mutual decision to separate after three years together.

A source said: “The relationship had run its course. It’s completely amicable, and they are remaining friends. They are both focusing on their careers.”

Green (35) is also an actor and has regularly appeared on TV show ‘Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles’.

The couple — who showed their love for each other by getting tattoos — met in 2004 before getting engaged in 2006

Only a few months ago, Fox was still talking about marriage.

She said: “It’s not going to be a big wedding. I’m not one of those girls — if it happens, it will be very low-key and quick and unplanned.”

Rumours their romance was on the rocks were sparked in January, when Fox attended the Golden Globes alone.

The 22-year-old beauty said: “Brian doesn’t want to be here. He doesn’t want to be my date. He’s a man. He has an ego. I think he’s probably working on music. I don’t think he cares.”

Jesus, sorry about that Brian… [hand over mouth - muffled laughter] Why did she have to PUNISH him like that?

Let’s go through that one more time:

The 22-year-old beauty said: “Brian doesn’t want to be here. He doesn’t want to be my date. He’s a man. He has an ego. I think he’s probably working on music. I don’t think he cares.”

Whaaah!

Good times. Good times. [head tilted down, shaking head slowly, smiling]

Stoned.

[thanks andrew]

I strongly suggest all girls make their way to the Cosmo Sex Survey. And I strongly suggest that the guys don’t!

I made that mistake, you see..

Get there fast, ladies!

I smelt a rat when I came to the question that asked:

“How long would you date someone before having sex with them?”

- Days
- Weeks
- Months
- Years
- I am saving myself for marriage.

Hey!? I thought to myself – it doesn’t mention minutes or hours, and it has this bizarre reference to saving yourself for marriage. Errr, (*smoke coming out of ears*) I don’t understand…

MAN

DOES

NOT

COMPUTE..

I shook it off and came across this little question/header:

“Sex with the same gender”

Pffft! BANG! EXPLOSION IN HEAD. Brain….does….not…understand..!

But then the big one came through and I realised this sex survey was NOT for the guys.

“Would you have sex while menstruating”

Whoaaah! PULL OUT! PULL OUT!! DELETE! DELETE! CLOSE WINDOW!!!!

Phew… that was a close one!

But, through this painful yet useful research, I am able to report to all my beautiful angel readers out there that this sex survey is PARTICULARLY SPICY and I suggest you go there ASAP. The results are going to be QUITE something!

CLICK HERE FOR COSMOPOLITAN SEX SURVEY

I’m making use of a number of my resources this week. With the help of my friendly Butlers, there will be a number of Knead Love Boxes being sent all over town to some special angels!

The contents of the Love Box

Knead (Wembley Square – Cape Town) are offering the boxes (with the above delights) at R75, which includes a R10 donation to St. Anne’s Homes which provides shelter and support for pregnant, abused and homeless women and their children. I do hope they’ll be forwarding some of the proceeds to Rihanna.

I thought I would take things further and have got my Butlers to take all of my Love Boxes to the various angels in my life. They liked the idea so much, they are offering it to you as well. For R99, Butlers will deliver your Love Boxes for you. Or the original R75 if you order a pizza!

Look out for my Butlers running around the city with
Love Boxes all over their vibe!

And lastly, when you decide to be a LOVE BOXER,
remember to choose the colour of your card
according to your love vibe:

RED for TRUE LOVERS

PINK for SECRET ADMIRERS

YELLOW for FAMILY AND FRIENDS

GREEN for TEAM WORKERS

BLACK for HATE

I’m kidding, there is no black.

Get involved people – this MUST be the tastiest, easiest, most satisfying Valentine’s Day vibe I have ever come across created.

TOO divine!

Place your order at 0860 BUTLER (288537)
during office hours

or call 072 143 0000

or email loveboxer@butlers.co.za

It’s Valentines day in a week and a bit’s time. Pretty awesome stuff. Takes me back to my days in the boarding house when the various girls’ schools used to exchange red roses with the boys’ schools; with each rose and message being read out at lunch time. Some guys got stacks. Some got none. Some got bust sending roses to themselves, whilst others had to deal with their buddies finding out that their mom sent them a rose. I used to get a few… obviously no-one could eclipse the numbers Jon “Serfs” Serfontein used to haul in.

That story has absolutely nothing to do with this angel, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley .

Rosie Huntington-Whiteley
Has been known to model from time to time

Rosie stars in the latest hottest Agent Provocateur lingerie add, with a Valentines Day twist. And that, my loves, is what I wan to show you today. It makes sense. You see, I’m fairly confident that both boys and girls will enjoy this little piece of cinematic glory.

Guys will enjoy the general content.

Girls will enjoy the end.

Oh my goodness, you guys are going to EAT this one up. The Adventurer dropped me an email with a link to one of the most ingenious websites God has ever created..

www.pmsbuddy.com

With a woman’s menstrual cycle (someone had to say it) taking 28 days, rather than a full month of 30/31 days, THAT time of the month does change over time. For guys it can be hard to keep track of, resulting in confusion when their other half flips out over nothing. That’s where PMS Buddy comes into play.

According to www.pmsbuddy.com:

PMSBuddy.com is a free service created with a single goal in mind: to keep you aware of when your wife, girlfriend, mother, sister, daughter, or any other women in your life are closing in on “that time of the month” – when things can get intense for what may seem to be no reason at all.

For women, this is a great way to give people in your life a heads-up of when you might be feeling a bit irritable without having an awkward conversation.

What’s more, we will not only keep you informed, but will give you some free advice on what to do about it. With PMSBuddy.com, there is no reason to ever be blindsided by PMS again.

PMSBuddy.com – Saving relationships, one month at a time!

“Saving relationships, one month at a time” – whaahahah!

They’ve got over 15,000 women that they’re tracking, as well as a gauge showing what the overall combined threat it. Check it out:

Ridiculous. Yet necessary.

I reckon you get to that website and signup ASAP.

www.pmsbuddy.com

For those of you who have not been educated in the way of the slang word, today is your lucky day. Because today you are going to learn about one of the greatest urban expressions of our time : “MUFFIN TOP”

Let me explain. You know the way muffins bake and hang over the top of the container? Like this..

Your basic muffin

Ja, that’s the one.

Now, you know when people wear shorts or pants or skirts which are slightly too tight for them, causing their flesh to hang/bulge out, over the waistline?

That, my friends, is what we call “Muffin Top.”

How incredibly awesome is that phrase? Let’s take a look..

An excellent example of “Muffin Top”

This little jargon gem is spreading fast around Cape Town and it was my pleasure educating you as to it’s use and meaning.

It’s actually recognised as one of the best slang phrases ever.

This, according to Wikipedia:

“Muffin-top” is a generally pejorative slang term used to describe the phenomenon of overhanging flesh when it spills over the waistline of pants or skirt in a manner that resembles the top of a muffin spilling over its paper casing. This generally occurs when an individual wears low-rise, hip-hugger pants, or midriff-baring tops that are too small.

Origin: Muffin-top originated as Australian slang in mid-2003, but has since become popular in other English-speaking countries. It may have been first popularized by the Australian television show Kath & Kim. Australia’s Macquarie Dictionary named “muffin-top” the word of the year in 2006; the American Dialect Society named it one of the “most creative” new terms that same year.

Now you’ll know what it means when someone says, “She looks pretty good, but I’m only going to call it when she gets a little closer. I’ve got a feeling she might have a bit too much “Muffin Top” going on..”

Or, better yet, use it yourself and increase your coolness by at LEAST 15%.

Now that you know what the term means, I insist that you watch the Lifesavers commercial which could very well cause you to piss yourself.

Hey?

How good was that?

Keep smiling..

[thanks clare]

Best Man speeches can go either way. They can bomb, or they can kill. Some best men miss the mandate and spend their time regaling stories of the various skanks the groom nailed in his singles – Cringe City. Whilst others are just sublime, like when The Rock completely fucking murdered it on The Outside Centre’s big day.

I have no idea who these people are.
I found the pic on Google images.
So as to “set the scene.”

Then you get the other kind – the angry kind. When the groom is convinced his best mate is marrying the wrong chick and he comes across genuinely bitter. The concept can, however, turn into complete hilarity if the guy scripts it and delivers it like a horse race commentator.

Like this guy. Taken from a Kiwi radio show.

This is what we refer to as GOLD.

CLICK HERE if that doesn’t play

You know the insurance company called OutSurance?

Ja, well, take the second part and replace it with “standing.”

Sorry, that was poor.

[thanks Simon]

So I was at this bar the other night..

Don’t you love that classic male intro? “Yeah, so I’m at this bar the other night..”

Brilliant!

So anyway, I was at this bar the other night ordering a drink. I can’t remember what the drink was (probably French), but this little vixen of a bar lady took my order. She was about to turn around to get the drinks and then, as though the spirit of Don Juan and Casanova took control of my body, I said unto her:

An example of a bar environment

“Sorry, before you get that, what is your name?”

She gave a broad smile, blinked a few times and declared, “Nicola.”

“Aah, yes…Nicola,” I said, quickly followed by the words, “I thought so.”

“You thought so? How did you know” she asked, confused. (bless her)

And this is when it all fell into place in the section of my brain which designs clever little saying and concepts. I pretended that it wasn’t important, and that she had pushed me to explain it to her:

“No, it’s just…. it’s just a friend of mine. A friend of mine said that there was a fucking hot chick working here, with the name Nicola.”

WELL!

When I tell you that the chick melted on the fucking spot I’m not over exaggerating. God, it was disgusting! Drinks were being poured for free! Eyelashes were fluttering! She was drinking secret shooters with me! It was PATHETIC! Within ten minutes the phone number had been written down on a till slip and passed to me via a friend. God, it was like I was the only guy at the bar. I really killed it. It was mass murder. Seriously. Napalm.

You see it’s very confusing for the angel to get her head around it all. Because the second section of the pickup line wouldn’t have come along if she hadn’t asked “why.” And she ignores the fact that it’s close to impossible for any human being to not ask why. So in her cute little butterfly-ridden angel brain, it couldn’t have been planned. SHE prompted the grand finale. He CAN’T be a player. Oh my God, this guy is a KEEPER!

She’ll be on the phone to her mother and practicing her signature with your surname before dawn.

It was very naughty of me to come up with such a perfect pickup routine but, as you know, I can’t help myself – I just want you to be the best you can be. It’s all for you.

Take it.

ENJOY it.

By all accounts, it seems there is a very real fixed minimum number of nights that your chick demands you spend together, with her, in the week. So when you have a girlfriend, you slowly get whipped into adhering to these sleepover rules. Sometimes without even realising it. Next thing you know, you’re lying about grandmothers’ birthdays just to get a night to yourself.

The sleepover situation is EXACTLY what chicks use to gauge where the relationship is. How many nights a week are we together? That is the all-defining gauge. It is permeated with other finely tuned indicators. For example – how many times are we not having sex during these sleepovers? (at the beginning of the relationship, each number of nights together WITHOUT sex is a stronger and stronger indication that he really loves you and might not be “fucking you around”.) And, of course, how many of your personal effects are at his house? Toothbrush? Book? underwear? Shoes? The more personal effects, the more serious the relationship.

I will make him mine

So back to the sleepover gauge. I would imagine there is a ratio of sleepover time that can be split between the work week and the weekend. You could probably trade one weekend night on your own in return for a full week sleeping over together every night – at her place. If you give her every weekend night for two weeks, then you’re allowed two week nights on your own. In a row.

‘Cos if you don’t do it like that she’ll think something is wrong and she will corner you and ask things like, “Where the fuck is this all going? Tell me if I am wasting my fucking time here? ‘Cos I’m not going to be your fuck toy!”

Most chicks don’t like the idea of you just working on the relationship when you feel like it. That’s just not enough stability for our girls. No, no…none of that. They’ll go fucking psycho. This is what they mean when you hear guys saying, “Then the chick went fucking psycho!”

So you play along, sneaking in “special” sleep-time on your own whenever you can. You’re trying to trick yourself into thinking that there is no routine here and you haven’t just woken up in the middle of a “serious relationship,” heading dangerously close to “forever.”

Next thing you know….. it’s been a year…

What the fuck happened there?

She has a whole closet to herself at your house. With numerous outfits in it.

How did THOSE get there?

I know……terrifying..

You see, you went for the wrong angle. You were sleeping. She trapped you with secret messages hidden in her everyday speech. Like subliminal advertising – keeping you oblivious to what is going on. Like when she happens to be with you while you’re buying shit for your house and says you should buy a particular fragrance of toilet spray because, she “prefers ocean breeze flavour!”

And there it is! Right there! You don’t realise that the moment where you agree that her opinion counts in your home, has just passed. And you didn’t even realise! Wake up, chum!

My vibe is different. I’m like……I’ll call you. But don’t freak me out. Then I’ll call you again.

Sometimes I might be pissed. It might be late.

Fucking DEAL WITH IT.

Come for the odd sleepover.

This will continue for some time until you get the call up for the “Sunday Chillout session.” Best you be there.

Random sleepovers after bumping into each other in the evenings will continue. Please note that there is NO pattern forming here WHATSOEVER. Don’t even try to structure an algorithm that makes sense of it. It is TOTALLY RANDOM. The only routine you could possibly work out, would be the Sundays. That is the ONLY stability here. Either it’s one Sunday on, one Sunday off. Or both on. Sometimes maybe a full Sunday, sometimes maybe just an arvee. And SOMETIMES we’ll follow through with a spot of Carte Blanche and the 8 o’ clock movie and a sleepover.

Don’t read too much into a Sunday night sleepover. It’s not a big deal. It’s just nice to get a blowjob on a Monday morning.

Your big thing to look out for at this juncture would be an invite as a partner to a dinner or an event, like a wedding or a bar mitzvah. You’ll probably crack the invite during the first or second coffee date.

You don’t have to be a genius to work out that this means I’m cool with the boys getting some face time with you. You get on really well with them and you let me go and play nicely when the whole extended team is out together. Again, we’re stressing the MY TIME issue here. We’ll work out an angle for you later. But for now, look for c(l)ues….. don’t give them.

Next step : make me stuff. Create things for me or buy me stuff. I don’t know…… bake a fucking cake….write me a card….whatever. Surprise me with gifts. Again, please be careful here. It’s gifts we’re looking for. Courier it to me or give it to The P.A. This is not a physical thing. Don’t jump out of the fucking microwave at The Safe House or let me find you curled up on my doormat with one of those terrifying skew psycho-wants-to-play smiles. It’s gift time. Just gifts. This process will come at a good time and will make me stop for a second and realise that I quite dig you. The only-child thing is probably the cause of this.

You’ll get the call up for some more mid-week sleepovers. Sometimes without sex. That’s right, you heard me!

Kyk hoe lyk hy nou! Next thing you know, you’re doing regular sleepovers!

Now how difficult was that? Notice how there was never a moment when either party discussed where this is going.

Now see how you got what you wanted in the end? Sure, it’s more risky for you, as you’re never really certain where you stand. Does he love you? Or are you a little whore? Who knows!? You’ll just have to see where it ends up. Or get out of there quick. I can’t make that decision for you and we’re not going to discuss it.

Look, we CAN……….but that’ll blow it.

Then you’re a psycho..