2oceans Vibe

As the folks pack up in Oz and head off to Provence to add the final touches to the bastide, a moment was spared to scan a page from an Australian magazine and email it to me. This time, it was an ad for Christmas “gifts for him.” which included the BBQ Brand and the BBQ Sword.

Please enjoy these with me.

The BBQ Brand and Sword

Absolutely incredible!

So that’s how the Ozzies do braais.Actually, that’s pretty much how they do everything, come to think of it.

I must say, certainly wouldn’t mind using those toys for a braai. Can you imagine the things you could brand your meat with. You could serve one to your lady with the words, “your ass, later” branded on it! Very funny shit. I’d just get the words, “DADDY COOL.”

And the sword…. well, that’s just fantastic. You could get two, like jousting sticks, and you could have a dual with your mates around the pool.

Awesome. these are both very important additions to the world right now.

[thanks dad]

We’ve chatted before about this lovely game the Atlantic Ocean plays from time to time, called “lake-lake.” That’s what it is doing today. It usually comes with an ever-so-thin haze in the sky, causing the ocean to look almost metallic in colour.

Camps Bay – today
very kak

Yup, that’s the one. So anyway, I thought it would be a good day to whip through to Woolies and tell you about a habit you need to get into. It’s healthy, it’s colourful, and it’s so Goddamn tasty. I call it the “Melon Trio!”

Oh, I’ve just noticed that Woolworths also call it “Melon Trio.” I can’t believe it! That was MY name for it!

Anyway, Please indulge in this visual and flavoursome treat.

The Melon Trio
Oh my God! How stunning?

That’s basically what you’ve been looking for in your life. Those two photographs. Together. You need to be inside them. They need to be inside you.

Make it happen.

Be a better person.

I was a little peckish the other morning so I popped into the Vida e on Kloof Road. I felt like something different and asked Msizi if the Prego Roll was any good. He said I would enjoy it. So off I went.

The Prego Roll – by Vida e
Insane

As worldly and sophisticated as I am, I was apparently oblivious to the fact that prego rolls have garlic in them. OH MY GOD! It was 10 in the morning and I was KLANKING! But you know what? I didn’t care, because it was SO awesome!I hope they’ve got their recipe under lock and key. I can’t describe it – you just need to get one.

You know when you just don’t care that you smell of garlic, because it feels like heaven? That’s what I’m talking about.

People walk into my office and they’re like, “whoooah, it stinks in here!” but they don’t leave. They’re quite happy to stick around for a while. Jason had one yesterday. He loved it. He stank, but he was still the winner.

Get one.

Trust me.

Be sure to check out the new Vida that has just opened at Constantia Village. They’ll have Prego’s there..

I’ve wanted to mention this for quite some time and finally got it done this morning. It is well documented that I use Redken Maneuver as my hair product of choice. It comes in at a reassuringly expensive price and is only available in actual salons. Like the Partners “Hair Design” (hilarious) chain of salons. I usually go to the one at the Waterfront.

Let’s have a look at that.

“Partners” at the V&A Waterfront

It took about five times of total and utter bleeding pain, before it finally sank into my brain that Partners at the V&A Waterfront in Cape Town DO NOT ACCEPT AMERICAN EXPRESS CARDS! It does happen from time to time in little shops or stores (generally rural villages) and one shouldn’t scold these shop owners – after all, AMEX merchant facilities do charge around 1% more than VISA and MASTERCARD, which could hurt the little guy.

BUT, to position your shop inside South Africa’s number 1 tourist hotspot, the V&A Waterfront, next door to Lillywhites, and downstairs from the likes of Gucci, Louis Vuitton and Jimmy Choo (Death Row), WITHOUT accepting American Express…. Well, it can only be described as a Mind Fuck.

It’s ridiculous. I simply CANNOT get my head around it. Partners, you are totally and utterly RIDICULOUS!

I must say, I’m gobsmacked that V&A Waterfront’s management even allow it.

Christ, my grandmother accepts American Express.

Mavis doesn’t ask for things, or make requests – she makes announcements (usually connected to things she has seen on TV). Anytime. Any place. Like last week when I was minding my own business in The Safe House, putting the finishing touches to some lyrics I was writing for Aerosmith. She walked into the lounged and announced, “I need more Handy And.”

An interesting thing about Mavis is she refers to the cleaning product “Handy Andy” as “Handy And.” She has no use for the last ‘y.’ It’s just Handy And. Handy Ands have been useful throughout the years. Dolce Gabbana, for example, were craving a Handy And, and subsequently became Dolce & Gabbana.

I couldn’t quite compute what was going on and was worried I would lose my concentration. So, following the no-phone-call trend that is sweeping the nation, I sent an sms to The P.A. “Please angel, please please please get in touch with Mavis, find out what she wants, take my credit card, and buy the best of everything! Get it ALL. Please. For God’s sake!”

The P.A. arrived later that day with a MASSIVE bag of stuff, as she began unpacking it – very chuffed with herself. I was about to scold her for buying the wrong things as it seemed she had bought some sort of body range of “Earth Friendly” products from Woolworths. And you can’t blame me for thinking so. Especially when, for example, the Natural Dishwashing Liquid comes with “extracts of pomegranate and ginger .” I gave the P.A. an amused stare. “Trust me,” she reassured me, “The Safe House deserves this stuff. ” When I got to the kitchen cleaner, I knew I had to show you.

Please enjoy these.

 

Woolworths Earth Friendly Natural Dishwashing Liquid..
..with extracts of pomegranate and ginger!

Woolworths Earth Friendly Natural Kitchen Cleaner..
..with rose, chamomile and orange!

Woolworths Earth Friendly Natural Oven Cleaner..
..with GRAPEFRUIT ESSENTIAL OILS!!!

 

Are you getting all of this? OVEN CLEANER WITH GRAPEFRUIT ESSENTIAL OILS! Have you ever come across a home cleaning product with any kind of “essential oils” inside it? HAH, I laughed!

The P.A. was not amused and responded in her serious voice, telling me that this is “all we will be buying for The Safe House from now on” and (as was confirmed on the back of the label) went on about the Woolworths Earth Friendly range being naturally derived, plant-based, biodegradable and containing no petrochemicals, no animal ingredients and no artificial colours and something about Beauty without Cruelty.

Well I’m glad we’re doing the right thing and, given The P.A.’s generally hip and stylish vibe, I’d say this is what all the cool kids are using.

“Now you’re really going to laugh,” she said, as she pulled out even MORE stuff from the same Earth Friendly range, but this time it was for HUMANS, rather than the HOME!

 

Woolworths Earth Friendly for humans!
..with extracts of EVERYTHING!

 

I am pleased to report that The Muse has also been using these body products and has given them the thumbs up. So I think it’s fair to say that everyone is happy and The Safe House is an even safer place for all!

Oh, and Mavis got her wish as well, with the Woolworths Earth Friendly Natural Cream Cleaner (with peppermint, rosemary and lemon!).

 

Handy what?
Woolworths Earth Friendly Natural Cream Cleaner..
..with peppermint, rosemary and lemon!

She was, naturally, amazed that something that she hadn’t seen on TV, could be so good.

 

I was surprised, amused and concerned (all at the same time) when I spotted this TIK test in the local 7-Eleven. Or, “Friendly” Store as it is actually called. It doesn’t make a difference what the place is called; it will never deter from the fact that it has always, and will always, have the worst stock-control in the Milky Way. Including their passion for being consistently out-of-stock of Judy’s pickled onions, Carmel Strong Dill gherkins and GoldCrest Jalapenos. One wonders what they do sell.

Oh yes, TIK tests..

TIK – now you can test the whole family!

I remember reaching breaking point a while back and phoning the shop manager at the time (their staff turnover is nothing short of radical) whilst still frothing at the mouth following another failed car journey to the store for supplies. His response, when challenged on a can-opener issue, was “please understand sir, it is a CONVENIENCE store!”

“Yes, and a can opener would be pretty fucking convenient right now!” I shrieked as the phone went down.

I’m glad to see that TIK tests are deemed more important than Carmel Strong Dill Gherkins, Judy’s Pickled Onions, Goldcrest Jalapenos and can openers.

I’m also pleased to report that I have not taken TIK. I checked, and I’m clean!

In hindsight, a combination of those products could be quite dangaroo in the hands of a person high on TIK.

Good thinkin’!

De Grendel Wine farm. An exceptional range of wines, grown and harvested on the De Grendel Wine Farm in Tygerberg, with beautiful views of Cape Town’s Table Mountain.

Seth Rotherham stumbles upon the JT1 lingerie range at Woolworths, in Cape Town’s V&A Waterfront.

You gotta give our favourite Cape Town beer, Jack Black, a pat on the back when they bring out a tap and quietly have it installed at both Caprice and Mount Nelson’s Planet bar in the same week!

JACK BLACK – on tap at Caprice and Mount Nelson’s Planet Bar

Nice one – things are getting pretty larney around here it seems!

That reminds me, I simply must tell you about the stunning day we had at De Grendel this weekend. Quality. Pure quality.

Look out for that.

But in the meantime, check out the Jack Black tap at Cappers and Planet and tell me what you think.

Damnit I want this inside me. Look how beautiful it is. Look at that classic logo with those FLAMES on top!

Can you imagine drinking tequila infused with Tabasco? That’s pretty much as close as you’ll ever get to having your cake and eating it. Or, in this case, downing it. On your own. At home.

Heat Up The Night, indeed!

It’s like chocolate flavoured spinach

The last time we chatted about tequila, we were taste-testing the stunningly sophisticated Patron tequila, stocked at Steven Rom liquors. Has anyone spotted this incredibly amazing Tabasco Tequila anywhere in Cape Town?

If so, let DC know.

While on the subject, I must make mention of the fact that Giovanni’s sells the most adorable miniature Tabasco bottles, at R5 a go. I bought a handful the other day and can’t wait to produce it from my pocket at the next restaurant who DARE tell me that they don’t have any.

Better yet, I’ll produce it from behind the waiter’s ear.

Or from under her skirt, if it’s an angel.

It was only Lalesso that lifted our spirits as The Muse and I attended another school project that was handed in a few weeks ago, this time entitled “Cape Town Fashion Week.” Once again we were treated to scenes and people and “organising” that INSISTS on giving the impression that this is all being done for the first time. Which was clearly the case as we watched queues forming for no reason and people walking around like drunk lab-rats trying to find the next block of cheese. I personally stood in no less than four incorrect queues. It’s an awesome feeling which combines rage and humour, only eclipsed by multiple flight delays in a foreign airport.

Lalesso fashion show at the CTICC

Nonetheless, my mood was lifted by the incredible show given by one of my favourite chick clothing brands, Lalesso.

The new range is absolutely STUNNING, with the following two pieces being The Muse and my choice highlights.

These little lace/fabric combination shorts are to DIE for and will be the perfect sequel to the 2006 collection‘s toweling hot pants.

These are the shorts, girls.
Get them. Like, AYSAP!

We also spotted this gorgeous dress with cute little pockets in the front!

Fabulous!

Well done guys, great job! I trust the angels out there will click through to the website and make their way through the latest collection? Yes, I think that is EXACTLY what they’re going to do. I really have my heart set on girls of every age prancing around Camps Bay this summer in those little shorts. God they’re gorgeous! They also come with white lace trim, instead of black – as well as different designs on the bottom (main) part of the hot pants.

Check out the Lalesso website here to see the rest of their range. Some gorgeous summer dresses to be had as well, girls!

I’ll be completely honest, I have NEVER found an anti-virus software program that I like, let alone one that works. There is ALWAYS something wrong with it. It either slows down my computer to a grinding halt (keeping earth in orbit requires a large number of programs to be running simultaneously on my computer) or it restricts other programs from working altogether. If it’s not the internet access that suddenly stops, it’s normal email that is simply withheld by the likes of Norton. Good Lord! I think I’LL decide if 1980′s Alyssa Milano bikini pics are worthy or not!

And then, as usual, I wipe the software. Seriously – I’ve been rolling with no anti-virus software for about 6 months. But I’m scared. You just can’t cruise around with your shit off safety like that for too long. We (2oceansvibe HQ) all decided that we need to back everything up before anything bad happens. Everybody backed their shit up and I remember telling the girls to be careful not to get their laptops stolen over the weekend as I would need to save their backup file to my portable hard drive on the Monday.

Nothing got stolen over the weekend. But you know what happened on the Monday? Correct. A revolting evil little virus strolled onto the P.A.’s lappie and ate it alive – bones and all – wiping EVERYTHING! You could hear a burp from the laptop when she tried to boot up. All that was left was the shell and some mayonnaise on the side. I swear to you. It was all over. I cursed the virus. Then the internet. Then computers in general. I called Justin, my computer guru, who pointed me to, what must be, the holy grail of the modern era.

The guy in the deck chair with the laptop reminded me of myself.

Behold – ESET:

Robots also ponder

Now listen to me very carefully because this is incredibly important to me – I have never let you down before and I’m not going to start now. Believe me when I tell you that this is the ONLY anti-virus software to go for. I didn’t think it was possible to find an anti-virus brand worthy of a feature on 2oceansvibe, but I can tell you for a fact that the P.A. and I have been running this for a month and its presence on our computers hasn’t even occurred to us. I have never been so unaware of anti-virus software in my life. It’s almost like a perfect world.

I did some research and found out the following, as I thought:

- The software I downloaded (called ESET NOD32) is superfast and superlight (best in the world, proven over and over again in tests), so doesn’t slow down your computer or consume resources. (I even noticed it got 9.5/10 on CNET’s Download.com website).

- It has the “smallest and fastest update downloads” in the world.

- It is highly accurate, catches all the viruses that the big name products miss (most of ESET’s customers switch over from *spit* Norton).

- I checked out the virus awards websites (yes, they exist!) and ESET has been the world record holder in on-going tests at Virus Bulletin labs for the last 9 years or so, with over 50 VB100% awards for virus detection accuracy (first vendor in the world to reach 50).

- Their new “ThreatSense” technology that can detect up to 90% of new outbreaks immediately using its own intelligence and proactive methods.

- Vista 32bit and 64bit support, etc.

- Local free phone and email support

Now let me just finish off by blowing your mind apart. I looked into it even further and found out what they mean by “local” support. Do YOU know what they mean?

Not?

I’ll tell you. It’s RONDEBOSCH, baby!! That’s how local these guys are! A global anti-virus leader just down the road from the fucking Baxter! Can you believe it!? God what a pleasure!

Don’t waste your time. Get there now. Just go. They’ve got free trial downloads (only 20Mb). It’ll change your life. Trust me. You have no idea how your current anti-virus software is ruining your mood, your time, your life, your marriage and your libido.

CLICK HERE TO CHECK IT OUT NOW!

I’m quite pleased with myself. I popped into Carlucci’s yesterday to get a Chunky Chicken Salad and I spotted their range of stovetop espresso makers, as I do every time (always two words, it is never “everytime”). I bit my lip as I grabbed the small Bialetti Moka Express one-man unit from the shelf and proceeded to the checkout.

The next stop was Vida e to grab some finely ground Vida e coffee. I was all set to go.

As the yanks say, “ALL SET!”

The Bialetti Moka Express

Isn’t it just too beautiful and classic for words? Apparently 150 million cups of espresso are made using one of these puppies, every day around the world!

EVERY DAY, my boet!

I suggest you get one too.

It didn’t take me long to learn how to use it at The Safe House, thanks to this new product I use, called the “internet,” which has instructions on everything from bombs to coffee makers! Brilliant!

I’ve had three espressos today and they were just incredible. I still have to grab an actual Vida e coffee from an actual Vida e outlet so I’d advise you to stay the fuck out of my way after that as I could very easily be tripping.

I was cruising around the Atlantic Seaboard yesterday and it was one of those days that reminds you of the importance of owning a power yacht. I looked over the small bay area of Clifton 4th beach and was pleased that a few players had taken the initiative.

And that’s when I remembered on of 2oceansvibe’s most recent affiliates, Boating World . I zipped over to their website and my personal choice for summer.

The Fairline Squadron 68

Check it out:

Since its launch, the Squadron 68 has been highly praised by her owners and the world’s press alike. She too, was awarded the Motorboat of the Year trophy in her class of 2007. The innovative features, cutting-edge design concepts and radically modern styling of the interior have impressed everyone who has been aboard to experience this unique level of ‘large yacht’ luxury. The sheer space available for moving around and socializing is instantly appealing; the magnificent saloon with its separate dining area; the elegant master stateroom with its large vertical windows; the spacious 4-cabin layout and sumptuous guest accommodation; the massive flybridge deck; the impressive cockpit area; the provision of discreet transom access for the crew cabin. This truly is a ‘large’ yacht, in every sense of the word.

Maxing and relaxing

That’s where the magic happens

The Squadron 68 may make many fresh statements in style, furnishings, décor finishes and on-board facilities, yet her handling and performance are still precisely what owners expect from a Fairline; the superbly quiet, comfortable and confident ride that is the hallmark of these fine yachts.

That’s what I’m talking about!

Read more on the Fairline and other yachts and boats (including Riviera and Malibu) at www.boatingworld.co.za.

Let’s do the summer properly, people!

Not to be mistaken for the Funky Chicken which is, in fact, a dance. The Chunky Chicken Salad can be found at Carlucci’s, on Victoria Road, Bantry Bay.

“Oh, ja, just opposite The Ambassador Hotel?”

Yup, that’s the one.

 

The Chunky Chicken Salad – available exclusively at Carlucci’s

 

I tell you what, it’s bloody marvelous to eat. Every time I choose it I always buy something else, thinking it won’t be enough. But it is. It fills you right up! And it’s so good for you. It’s got like all sorts of chopped up crunchy salad thingies. And a special kind of incredibly amazingly amazing mayo. You don’t have to add anything else to it. Nothing!

Maybe Tabasco sauce if you have the same problem I do.

But seriously, get one urgently. Go there today and get one. Eat it and tell me how amazing it was.

Go. Do it.

And anyway, let’s face it, it’ll be a good change from that crap you’ve eating lately.

Well, I had seen this little puppy in a few of the overseas mags I get every month (which include Vanity Fair, US GQ, Conde Nast Portfolio, New York Magazine, Monocle and Wired) and every time I saw the ad I grew more and more aware of how badly I needed to own the Fujitsu ScanSnap S300 – one of the smallest portable scanners on earth.

The Fujitsu ScanSnap S300 – NOW available in South Africa

You can read a review on the scanner here, but let me give you the important shit.

- It’s small enough to carry in a laptop bag, or even your chick’s / your own handbag.

- It can power off your USB port.

- I’ll say that again – it doesn’t have to be plugged into the wall. As long as you have 2 USB ports available on your computer, it will work.

- How cool is that?

- You open it, plug it in and click a button on it that says “SCAN”

The Fujitsu ScanSnap S300 – opened.
(With gratuitous Ray Ban Wayfarers to indicate size)

- Enjoy this, it starts scanning immediately on your computer and saves it, immediately as a PDF.

- It can scan both sides of the page at the same time.

- It can feed through multiple pages (8 pages per minute, if you don’t mind)

- Then it automatically asks if you want to send the PDF as email, or save it in a folder on your hard drive. Or BOTH!

That’s all I have to tell you. The quality is AWESOME.

See for yourself, click here to see a double-sided PDF scan I did of a Carbonara recipe I keep on me at all times (it doesn’t get cooler than keeping a carbonara recipe on you at all times).

Get one now.

CLICK HERE – TecWorx is selling them online.

They’re going for R5,500 but you’ll get 10% off if you contact my guy, Nico at nico@tecworx.co.za or 086 111 2728 or 082 540 8464 and mention 2oceansvibe.

That’s how we roll.

It’s pretty much 4pm on Friday and before everyone packs up for the weekend, I thought I’d let you know what I found. It’s called Patron Tequila and is billed as the #1 tequila in the word!

Ballsy, to say the least. Gorgeous to look at, nonetheless.

So I thought I would take my first sip of it right now, whilst writing this little article for you. It’s basically the same as live TV. And by “live TV”, I mean it’s not live and it’s on the internet.

Before I take my first shot, let’s have a look at the STUNNING bottle.

My god, that is beautiful! And that CORK at the top! It’s TO DIE FOR!

Ok, so it’s been in the freezer for a bit now. Excuse me for a sec while I fetch it…

I’ve poured it into an old glass shot glass with the old SAA logo on it. Must have been from business class in the old days (my grandfather was very well heeled). I’m taking a sip now..

GOOD LORD, that was SMOOTH! And I can confirm that I was not compelled to pull a face after drinking it! It really tastes fantastic! Sherbet, that is some good tequila! I’m having another sip.. Mmm.. the texture…and it’s so syrupy! Let’s get some more information..

Nice. I suggest you get some. It’s just so classy. It’s just so cool. Did I mention the cork? The cork is so cool.

When you get to the bottle store (I got it from Steven Rom liquor store) and you realise that it costs in the late five hundred Rands, don’t be angry with me.

Rather be angry with the other local booze brands who didn’t come to the party..

I first laid eyes on the Louis Vuitton Evidence Noir sunglasses at the Louis Vuitton store at the V&A Waterfront and they were just too beautiful not to have. If I may..

The Louis Vuitton Evidence Noir sunglasses.

Too beautiful not to have.

Whilst the price tag was somewhat sensational, the main glitch was that the one pair they had was reserved for another buyer – Something I couldn’t get my head around, resulting in a short circuit. I collapsed to the floor with the back of my hand to my temple.

“Oh sweet Mary, mother of God, what am I to do?!” I cried, frothing slightly at the mouth.

I sent an urgent sms to my Mother, alerting her of the impending crisis and asking if she could think of a solution. As an only child, it wasn’t altogether surprising to learn that, by the time she replied to my sms, she had already called the Louis Vuitton store in Melbourne and reserved the very same pair of shazzles; citing a potential “early Christmas present for the little boy.”

Genius, she is. Complete and utter genius.

I agreed that her idea was fool-proof and the process began. A process so involved and confusing that I won’t get into it at all. All I can tell you is the shazzles traveled in someone’s handbag from Melbourne to Cape Town and was then swiftly shuttled in ANOTHER person’s handbag from Cape Town to Stanford (oh, just 10kms outside of Hermanus). Two days later it was sent via courier from Hermanus to Cape Town and now…now they are here with me at the Safe House – where they belong.

Did I mention the stunning packaging they came in?

It’s those little details..

A little box with a drawer. With the shades inside that drawer. Aah, you see, that is where Louis Vuitton are very naughty. Those…little details.

Speaking of details, I want you to hold onto your seat as I show you the fine detail etched into the top of the gold brow rim. A detail clearly allowing the sunglasses to cross the gender line and be worn by slightly camp men, and women alike!

Heavenly detail

Now I know what you thinking and, I must admit, I had the same problem.

You don’t know whether to wear them, or fuck them.

I popped into Future Exotics again this morning to have another look at that 2008 Rolls Royce Phantom I mentioned the other day. I just wanted to get a better grasp of what the car was packing – the “bells and whistles” as it were. I just need to know what one would get, SHOULD one decide to spend that kind of money. I’ll be honest…. I’m tempted. But you know my vibe – I need something I can work in, as well as something I can play in. Plug points are just as important to me as champagne coolers, leg room and pure wool rugs. It’s all very well cruising around with angels in the back, but when I need to pump out a quick article for YOU, does it have the facilities to let me do it properly? This is, after all, for YOU.

I decided to take the Rolls (or “The Rollce” as I like to call it) for a little test drive to have a first hand look at the various perks ” the world’s finest car” has to offer.

The 2008 Rolls Royce Phantom

After a wonderful cruise along Victoria Road and down the Camps Bay strip with DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince’s Summertime playing (very loudly – outrageously amazing sound btw!), we stopped to take a proper look at Cape Town’s only 2008 Rolls Royce Phantom. I was very impressed. There were a number of things that stood out, some of which I’ll talk about another time if I get the car, but for now I’ll highlight some beautiful little points. The first one being probably the most important feature on the entire car – the fact that the angel in the front of the car can appear and disappear at the touch of a button! My God, that alone is enough to justify the purchase! For me this is obviously of great importance, as I would be able to indicate to angels outside the car as to whether or not I was alone in the back. If the angel at the front of the bonnet is hidden, then there might be some room for you in the back (if Daddy isn’t in a meeting). But if it is showing, then I’m afraid it’s a no-no. Like today I had it out, as I was cruising around with Holly.

Angel showing = angel in car with Seth< /STRONG >

Or..

Angel not showing = no angel in car with Seth

I enjoyed that.

Another thing that got me was the shape of the bonnet and the power it pumps out with those rectangular lights and that GRILL! My GOD! It’s a VERY serious vibe, don’t you think? People aren’t quite sure when they see it coming towards them. It’s just so shiny and so powerful!

Running through the positive points with Holly

Another aesthetically pleasing feature has to be the suicide doors. It just looks cool. And it sounds cool. Say it to yourself – “SUICIDE DOORS.” Yeah, you like that? Feels good, doesn’t it? Mmm. I was chatting to G-Man at Caprice on Sunday night about possibly buying the car and the first thing that came out of his mouth was “suicide doors.” Hah, trust my G-Man to hit the nail on the head!

Naughty, G-Man. Always sharp. Like a razor blade.

Oh my God – how weird is THAT?!?!? We were just talking about suicide doors, and now we’re talking about razor blades! That’s SO weird!

Check it out.

“She got me suicidal”

Ja, that’s what I’m talking about! I looked into why they’re called suicide doors and it seems the term refers to the risks posed when opening the doors whilst moving. Because they open backwards, the wind would force the door open and possibly rip them off (whereas normal doors are forced closed by the wind when travelling in a forward direction). Hmm, interesting. For some. It becomes a tad irrelevant when you don’t open or close your own doors. What are drivers for? And anyway, did I mention there is a button inside that closes the door for you?

Oh, one other thing. See that silver knob in the side of the door, exposed when the door is open, as above. Ja, that thing. That’s an umbrella. I’d probably replace that with a samurai sword or something.

There were tons of other features, but I don’t want me OR you to get too excited so I’d rather save those features for IF we buy it! As you know I’d be doing it for YOU and I wouldn’t want to build you up and make you excited for something that might not happen.

But I must show you ONE more thing because I mentioned it the other day. Check out these proper fabric blinds on the back windows of the car!

Ja, that makes sense. I’ve noticed on the Range that if the sun is at a certain angle, you can actually see inside the car from outside. Not ideal when you’re “busy.”

So that was that! I must say, I’m pretty impressed.

I’m going to have to sleep on it..

One thing is for sure, CA 3 will look VERY good on the front of this baby.

A local company has decided, for one reason or another, to lend me a brand new Audi R8 for a while. The guy called me on Friday and asked if I would mind. I’m usually hesitant to take up these kind of offers, as you don’t know what they want from you in return. But, you know, who gives a toss – it’s an Audi R8. Take it.

 

The Audi R8 – 4.2L V8
Sexy, almost evil

 

I have just this second come back from what seemed like half an hour, but, looking at my watch, I notice it is now earlier than when I left?! It sounds confusing, but you’ll understand once you have a drive in this puppy and become aware that time travel is very much a reality!

Based of the Lamborghini Gallardo platform, (Audi owns Lamborghini) the Audi R8 has just won both the World Performance and World Design titles at the recent 2008 World Car of the Year Awards, laughing at the likes of Maserati, Aston Martin, Mercedes-Benz and the rest of the boys who had to step aside for this beast. At R1.6 million to own, with a top speed of over 300km/h and 315kw stuffed up it’s arse (0-100km/h in 4.5s), this supercar is, quite truly, a fashion/speed/power/sex icon.

 

You want to touch it… hold it.

 

Capetonians are known for being too cool to be caught staring at anything unusual or desirable, preferring to look at the thing or person secretly, and hiding one’s gazes before the other person sees. This is part of the reason why international celebrities love Cape Town, because they think no-one sees them or cares. Oh don’t worry, we see you! We just won’t let you catch us looking. That wouldn’t be cool, maaan..

It is therefore quite something to cruise along the Camps Bay strip witnessing locals and tourists alike openly GAWKING and unashamedly taking out cameras to take pictures. Mind that drool, buddy. This car’s looks ALONE are a complete mind fuck. ESPECIALLY with those very naughty boomerang strips of LED-type lights (always on) along the bottom and sides of the front lights. It looks like some sort of prototype vehicle being developed in conjunction with alien space craft technology.

 

Seth explains to a neighbour that,
whilst her advances have been noted,
and as pathetic as it all may be,
she will simply HAVE to wait in line..

 

It is also an absolute FACT that this car WILL get you chicks. That side of things I don’t necessarily agree with. I do not feel good about myself when I see married women sitting WITH their husbands at Caprice, quite visibly wetting themselves, staring at me with a look that confirms the worst – that they are quite willing to drop their husbands and family for a piece of this package rolling passed them. For a piece of Seth and his rocket. I don’t think that is good and certainly don’t think Audi took it into account when they built this car. We can’t live in a society where cars are being made which render women uncontrollable and void of any inhibitions. Very naughty, Audi. You’re basically home wreckers.

And that’s the MARRIED women! The usual rabble are just completely incorrigible. It’s not even worth a mention.

It’s disgusting.

I can’t get into the car’s performance right now because I want to pose along the strip just one more time before dark. What I can say is I have NEVER in my life ever experienced such speed and handling before. Honestly, I thought I was going to take off. Going down Kloof Road with the roar of the engine right behind my head (visible through the glass covering the back) and a 6-speed gearbox that sucks the gear into the next slot before you get it there, I simply could not shake it. God, that sound, it’s so addictive. I just want more of it. All the time. I want it inside me.

Check out more about the Audi R8 here and below are some of the awards that this thing keeps on winning.

- The R8 was awarded Best Handling Car and Fastest Car In The World of 2007 by Autocar magazine.
- It was awarded SportsCar of the year by German magazine Autobild.
- Playboy Magazine awarded it Car of The Year for 2008.
- The Automobile Journalists Association of Canada (AJAC) named the R8 Canadian Car of the Year, and, in addition, awarded it Best Prestige Car and Most Coveted Car of 2008.
- Top Gear Magazine named the Audi R8 the 2007 Car of the Year.
- Automobile Magazine awarded the R8 the 2008 Automobile of the Year
- The Audi R8 was named 2008 “MSN Car of the Year”, with 42% of the votes, beating the Ferrari 430 into 2nd with 13%, and the BMW M3 into 3rd with 11%.
- In the 2008 World Car of the Year awards, the R8 was awarded World Performance Car of the Year and World Design Car of the Year.
- European Car Magazine rated the R8 as Car of the Year

Aah, It’s gonna be a good week..