2oceans Vibe

This is not a restaurant review so I won’t tell you that Yindees restaurant on Thursday night was very good, apart from the fact that the entire table left starving. I also won’t tell you that four stuffed calamari tubes just won’t cut it as a main course. What I will tell you is what happened afterwards.

It was a friend’s barmitzvah so we went to Eclipse and settled down a bit at the outside bar. It seems Eclipse don’t believe that people outside have credit cards. They also don’t believe you should be told this until you have to pay.

“That’s R85″

“Thanks, chum. Take this here credit card”

“Oooh…”
(draw in breath through side of mouth clenched teeth)
“Shit, bro, we don’t take cards outside”

“Do they have a card machine inside?”

“Yes”

“Cool, make it R95″

“Sorry bro, we can’t leave the bar”

“Cool, make it R120″

“I’ll be right back with your card”

Amazing.

Still at Eclipse…. Good to see Jaime, the current ‘Waitress Watch’ waitress has come a long way since we saw her on her first shift. The trademark flashy smile, combined with slick tray control and a dash of chutzpah is all she’ll need to hold her position for a few more weeks. Good luck with that. Jaime was not sharing her shift with Sianne (who joined her on Waitress Watch) on Thursday night so we, sadly, had to let Sianne go. Thanks for the memories. And the great jokes.

That reminds me, the Rock Star Fund crew were there. With bells on, I might add. More about them in another article.

We revisited 90′s coke-whore stronghold, The Fez, once we were done with Eclipse. We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again – Welcome back Fez. A new breed of Vodka Red Bull freaks have taken over where the 90′s crew left off. The dance floor was hot and the angels were in effect. I sauntered upstairs and made a little nest near to the DJ box.

[Enter 'Mike' - stage left]

A young fellow, Mike, approached us. Like some sort of an ancient Roman messenger type, he came bearing good news. Mike informed us that there would be a little change in our evening and that another old friend, Spiced Gold, would be looking after us for the duration of the evening. After thanking the kind gentleman, we made a swift changeover to Spiced Gold for the rest of the evening. I took my first sip of Spiced Gold with ginger ale. I nearly broke down in tears with the overwhelming cloud of nostalgia that engulfed my body. “Where am I!” I cried. Naughty’s? Crowded House? Lloyds? The Cave? The Pig? I couldn’t quite place it. I even had a flashback to a Rondebosch social. But it couldn’t have been – it must have been SACS. Rondebosch hadn’t acquired the fine taste of Spiced Gold by Standard 8 and preferred Tassies down down competitions. But lets not get sidetracked. The point I’m trying to make is I totally forgot about Spiced Gold! It’s helluva versatile and allows one a spot of creativity. It’s a great excuse to pump some Appletizer into the body (the king of fizzy drinks). You’ll find a lot of people joining you after you order your first. Chants of “Christ, I remember Spiced Gold” will surround you.
It’s been there all the time and we shouldn’t be frightened!

A story entitled ‘Laura Branigan Rollercoasters inc.’ to follow.

We had a pizza at Dizzy’s Jazz Cafe in Camps Bay the other night. Our table at Dizzy’s was outside, right next to the entrance to The Codfather. There was a constant stream of red-hot women strolling into the Codfather and because we hadn’t been there for a very long time we vowed to attend in the near future.

We booked a table and cruised into Codfather a couple of weeks ago and sat down at our table of 10. After 20 minutes our waiter (who turned out not to be our waiter) decided we might need a drink. I asked for an Amstel, to which the guy replied, “A Heineken or an Amstel?”.

[hmmmmm]

Now I spend a lot of my day on the telephone and believe I have a good idea of which words sound similair. I can confidently say that there is nothing about ‘Amstel’ that sounds like ‘Heineken’ and vice versa. You could rhyme ‘Amstel’ into other words/songs – for example you could sing to the tune of the Elton John’s ‘I’m still standing’ with the words ‘Amstel standing’ – now that makes sense. But ‘Heineken Standing’ just doesn’t sound like Elton’s song.

I informed him that my decision of an Amstel would stay and that my decisioning making process would remain inside my head until further notice.

The second drink took another 15 minutes to order after finishing the first. Can I give a little tip to any restaurant anywhere in the world?

Little Tip: SERVE DRINKS AS THE PATRON SITS DOWN AND GET THE SECOND DRINK BEFORE THAT DRINK IS FINISHED. THIS WILL ENSURE THE PATRON DOESN’T FIDGET. IT WILL ALSO NOT DRAW ATTENTION TO THE WAITER BEING SH*T.

The last memory of the evening was to do with a glass of ice. I asked our waiter for a pint glass of ice – for our wine. 15 minutes later the ice had not arrived and I stopped our first waiter to ask him for the same thing. Whilst I was explaining to him what I needed the SECOND WAITER grabbed his arm and dragged him from the table to help somewhere else. I think you may have missed that. Listen to me – HE LITERALLY GRABBED HIM AND PULLED HIM AWAY WHILST I WAS ORDERING SOMETHING. I’ll stop there.

That’s the end of the story. The food was good and there weren’t the hot women I expected. But these things pale in comparison to the other high(low)lights of our evening. Pity

Grabbed a steak at Nelson’s Eye restaurant in Gardens last night before Caprice. Nelson’s Eye is renowned to serve ‘Arguably the best steaks in Cape Town’ so we had to have a go.

I arrived early, hoping to sort out a table for the boys before they all arrived. I walked into the restaurant. They’ve gone for the open plan kitchen vibe, so you can watch and listen to whats going on in the kitchen whilst you eat. As I walk in I am greeted by the back of someone. The someone looks like the manager/owner type. He is busy talking to the staff who have huddled around him. I catch the person with the back’s conversation mid-way:

“But what did he say” – enquired the guy with his back to me to the other staff.

Remember now that I am standing inside the restaurant at the entrance, waiting for service. The staff huddled around His Royal Highness are giving me awkward looks – knowingly embarrased by HRH.

“They were just upset and said you were rude” – replied one of HRH’s staff.

“But how can they be upset?!?!? All I said was ……..”. – carried on HRH

I didn’t listen on but the shock was not that he hadn’t greeted me, but the fact that he was happily carrying on at the top of his lungs about a situation to do with a disgruntled (we should use ‘disgruntled’ more often) customer. Are you openly publicising this? Are you a fool? A Buffoon perhaps?

I leant over to the chef and asked who would normally greet me and organise a table. He pointed at His Royal Highness who was STILL carrying on. He tried to get the attention of HRH as I walked out to get some air outside. Eventually I organised a table after finding out His Royal Highness’s name. Steven Albert (Might be ‘Stephen’, but we’ll take our chances).

Well, that was not enough. It seems Mr Albert finacies himself as quite the showman. He was shouting and carrying on the whole night. He really thought he was creating a vibe. Steven/Stephen, you can only do that if you are Italian and work in an Italian restaurant. You can’t do it if you are a self-conscious South African with the sense of humour of a moisturizer. Also, shouting things like ‘Where’s my carbonara?’ just sounds better than ‘Is the Sirloin meant to be medium rare?’.

That’s enough about that. The food, funnily enough, was incredible! And our waitress, ‘Andy’ was red hot. Just wish Steven would slow down to a gentle roar and stop emboerrissing himself.

We received a tip off from one of you lot (our loyal, ever adoring 2oceanvibe readers) saying that the pizzeria at the very end of Bree Street was definitely something to check out at lunch times. The main reason to go was apparently the staff – ‘smoking hot’ we were told.

Well we were in for a treat – it turns out the food was as good as the staff! Our motive will definitely have changed next time we cruise round – although the angels will certainly make it a treat.

Four of us cruised in on Friday last week and were perched on an outside table. Immediately we were captivated. There was something going on. Something was alive. It’s the city buzz. Sun was streaming down and we were surrounded by the Cape Town City Cool Crowd – something we’re not used to. I’ll give it to you kids – very cool. But in amongst the city cool is a smattering of the observatory cool type – that laid back ‘hey whatever’ crew. One guy with his hair in braids and another table catering for an ad agency type with his new G4 apple mac laptop. This place certainly caters for the mixed crowd – something we like.

The staff have an attitude that draws you in – and they’re pretty hot I tell you what! Our waitress, Janna was an absolute star. She’s the kind of gal who would tell you to go f*ck yourself if you were out and said something at the wrong time…. but for now she’s all over everything and super sweet. The food came out perfectly – the Buitenverwagting Buiten Blanc (This season’s favourite again kids) was poured with such precision I thought she was a surgeon!

We pushed it a bit. We had the wine, the sparkling water, the started salad, the starter garlic pita bread and then pizzas all round. God those pizzas were amazing! I had the Morituri – bacon and avo I think. I added extra feta. Anyway check it out yourself. I also had a few bites of another one with salmon and caviar. Who says you can’t kick at a pizza joint?

But seriously guys and girls, when last did you go to a pizzeria which served fine wines? And when last did you have an exceptional genuine Italiano pizza? Pizza with 5 star service and a bit of vino for lunch on a Friday!! It’s f*cking crazy man!!! In the sun!! With gorgeous angels serving you! And serving you damn well I might add!

The place must rock at night time too. Such a vibe! We’ll sort that out another time but for now…… if there’s sun and it’s lunch time and you’ve got an hour on hand…. don’t waste your time at Tuscany Beach – come 5 minutes in land. Go to the botom of Bree Street to the parking area next to Investec – where Vacca Matta was/is and check out Colcacchio Pizzeria – you’ll be happy you did.

Did I mention that Colcacchio is the only pizza restaurant approved by the heart foundation? It’s true my love.

Thanks Janna…. gorgeous angel….

We hit Baraza in Camps Bay (next to Blues) for a toot before we went to Eclipse last week Thursday. There were these two youngsters spicing some tunes with a keyboard, flute and all other sorts of paraphernalia. Even machines with ‘Roland’ emblazened on the side!

Now listen to me. These kids were HOT! Hard to describe the music exactly. It’s the kind of music you’d play before going to rip Eclipse up. Up beat, electric, funk. J*sus, I don’t know!

They’re called Goldfish. Check out their website HERE.

Do yourselves a favour and stop by Baraza before you go to Eclipse. I presume they’ll be there again.

I will not get myself too worked up about this one because a person of such little importance doesn’t deserve more than a couple of words.

A friend of mine and I made the fatal error of doing a spot of shopping at the V&A Waterfront on Saturday morning at 9am.

GOOD GOD

Please promise us that you will never do the same thing! From start to finish everything was a dog show. There seems to be a very large amount of freaks who are from the Cape area but decide to wreak havoc at the Waterfront on Saturdays. They even take photos of each other as though we were at Disneyland. I started slitting my wrists when I found myself waiting in a ten-strong queue at Musica with only one till open. The chap in the front of the queue was arguing with the fool at the till for over ten minutes. Thank God I was buying Michael Buble who would sooth me on the way home. I know we slated Buble a few months back but we’ve matured a bit since then and we’re giving him another chance!

Moving swiftly on….. we decided to get some brekkie at Mugg and Bean which is situated at the front door of the new section at the Waterfront.

We sat in a section of the restaurant which was a bit away from the main action. As we sat I asked the manager if they would be able to handle us sitting where we were. It’s amazing that you can smell sh*t service before it happens. I was told everything would be fine. I expected the coffee I ordered to arrive before my eggs. Obviously it didn’t. I summonsed a waiter and reminded him of the coffee and asked if he could also bring some black pepper. Towards the end of my eggs I had received neither. I hunted around for black pepper and asked for the manager.

When ‘Kobus’ arrived and explained the situation and asked him what the problem was. I reminded him that I could smell the sh*t service when I walked in. Then something very bizarre happened. His eyes turned almost to slits (do it as you sit at your desk now – make your eyes slits – you need to picture this) and he gave a slight smirk (please smirk whilst holding your eyes like slits) and he gave very small slow nods (give small nods whilst smirking and keep the slit eyes) and he looked DIRECTLY INSIDE ME with a look that seemed to say:

“You try’na f*ck with me?”

Speechless, I asked for the bill and we got out of there. That’s when I thought I knew a little boy who needed a lie down.

Kobus, I don’t know who the f*ck you think you are but you should maybe stop drinking before shifts. Also please try to remember that you are a twenty-something BREAKFAST RESTAURANT MANAGER. You’re in the SERVICE INDUSTRY you revolting man – pull yourself together.

We had an early Thursday night so that we were ready for Friday night in the Northern Suburbs. My team mate and I packed our passports the night before and spent the whole of Friday going through the game plan.

Oozing sex, we cruised into Cubana. Obviously they had another 7/8 foot bouncer who must have had a stint in the NBA. WHERE DO YOU FIND THESE GUYS? We quaffed a couple of toots and decided to head towards El Vacco (Vacca Matta). Oh, must also mention that Ferdi (remember Ferdi from Big Brother? The one that made a quiet poo on the Big Brother lawn) was there looking after one of his tour groups. I must say, he has a wonderful recipe for looking after tour group. Three words…. GET THEM SMASHED. Obviously they’ll always have a good time. Good work Ferd.

After my team mate convinced me it would be fun, we stopped by Stones (snooker/pool establishment) before moving on to the Durbanville Mecca – Vacca Mecca. We were inside Stones for 28 seconds. I had visions of my face being cracked open on the corner of a pool table as my assailant’s buddy attempted to win the game by sinking the 8 ball into my eye socket. Moving on.

We had to deal with a small hiccup when we arrived as the portly fellow on the VIP door entrance had no idea how important we were and wouldn’t let us in. Thank God we threatened the lady at the front desk who was more than willing to give us our deserved stamp.

It was at this point that we ran into Durbanville’s only hope(s) in this years Homegrown Honeys competition.

WHY DO WE KEEP ON RUNNING INTO HOMEGROWN HONEYS?
WHAT THE F*CK IS GOING ON?

THERE ARE ONLY 100 and we’ve met 4 in a week!

“What are your names, girls?” we questioned. That’s when a very simple man in bad jeans and t-shirt walked past and said “Those chicks are homegrown honeys”. We knew what to do.

We took them up to the ‘VIP’ room and funnelled champagne down their throats. I chatted to the younger one who was as exciting as the food at Tuscany Beach restaurant in Camps Bay. Shame. Can you get more dull? My conversation topics included things like, “Wow, it must be quite nerve racking going head to head with your sister!!”.

Trust me guys, vote for Dani. Wait for her shoot and you’ll see what we mean. The two sisters look like Bambi in headlights. In fact, when they’re done looking into the headlights and they turn their heads, allowing the headlights to shine into their ears, their eyes light up. It’s true.

So the partying continued and we ripped the dance floor apart. The resident dancer at Vacca Matta is one of the hottest dancers I have ever seen. Michelle, just keep going angel!

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MP4 VIDEO OF THE
VACCA MATTA DANCER (Michelle)
(1.62 Mb QUICKTIME FORMAT)

Oh, I think the song of the summer is that one that goes ‘Nah Nah Nah…. Oh Oh Oh’! Too mean!

Keep those reports coming in. this report was given to me verbally at Caprice on Sunday. Shame, our angels at Tuscany Beach restaurant in Camps Bay are getting so inventive when it comes to bad service.

Apparently a party of 8 had a table last week and the first incident included the finding of a ‘pube’ in the food. This could obviously have been someone’s hair which could have fallen into the food so we can’t get too excited about it. Although the kitchen staff should have a helmet of some sort on.

The kicker was the drink that tasted funny. The freakshow waiter was told about it and instead of taking it back to the kitchen,

HE DOWNED HALF OF IT AT THE TABLE TO TEST IT
THEN HE TOOK IT TO THE BACK

Shame. Who does your staff training guys? Is it the manager we saw the one night? The guy falling asleep, virtually drooling, against the till?

Thanks for the amusement. Keep it up. Between you and Bush it’s gonna be an action packed summer.

We would like to now take this opportunity to give a big WAKE UP to Tuscany Beach Restaurant in Camps Bay. Yes, the restaurant next to Caprice. Yes, the one that looks, from the outside, like it could be a bit of fun. Upon closer inspection you’ll find the restaurant is as appealing as my mouse pad. So, Tuscany Beach Management, have a good listen and jack yourselves up.

I thought my memory was failing me when another friend moaned about Tuscany Beach and I told him I was charged R30 for a glass of wine a while back. Some friends and I decided to give it another chance the other day for lunch and see what exactly went on there. Well…. I tell you….

Our waiter, who looked very much like he was going cold turkey off some drug was our first find of the day. We were told the specials were quite extraordinary and we needed to listen. We did. Whatever-his-name-was said there is an AWESOME SEAFOOD SPECIAL.

“WELL, I CAN’T BELIEVE IT, THIS IS AMAZING….YOU CAN NOW ORDER 8 PRAWNS FOR ONLY Rxxxx. THEY ARE USUALLY Rxxxx AND THAT MEANS YOU’RE IN FOR A 40% SAVING. BRILLIANT!! IT REALLY IS QUITE INCREDIBLE”

Those were his words. Wierd.

I was expecting him to tell us we could have a free oyster if we order in the next ten minutes. Selling food like an infomercial is not normal. I looked at the wine menu and noticed some of the wines by the glass were less than R30. So either I was dreaming, or they had dropped their prices, or they bring the expensive wine if you don’t specified. It turns out to be the latter as a very good friend informed me that her daughter was horrified a couple of weeks ago when they charged her R30 for a glass of wine. More R30 glass of wine stories have appeared since we first came across the revelation.

A friend was looking for something light to eat and after puzzling with the waiter for half an hour the waieter RELUCTANTLY brought out ANOTHER menu which had lighter (and, it just so happens, cheaper) meals on it.

I’m not going to go into the fact that all our meals were crap as I’m sure you are starting to realise that that goes without saying. But I must just mention that the noise from the Waiters’ horseplay in and around the bar was above irritating – all being watched by the manager who was slouched over a corner table next to the till, looking SO bored and SO over it. So much so it put me off my food – which was shit anyway.

Who do you think you are, Tuscany Beach? Take a leaf out of your neighbour’s books – Caprice and Bayside Cafe. Stop rating yourself and try to make the most of your insane location. Stop ripping people off, in particular the locals. WE WILL EAT YOU ALIVE. Get some proper waiters and get a decent chef in and humble yourselves a bit.

Pathetic.