So some friends from L.A. rolled into town for a week and managed to pack in quite a bit. They stayed at the new One & Only hotel (review pending – the jury is still out) at the V&A Waterfront and headed out each day, ticking off the various adventures to be had. It was Cape Point the one day and Robben Island the next. Even following locals’ advice and checking out the Old Biscuit Mill and yes, of course, Le Table Mountain . I was very impressed with their thoroughness. With only a week in town, they were blessed with perfect weather the whole way through. Even enjoying a full moon during their stay.

Well advised, they decided to indulge in the now famed Cape Town Lion’s Head Full Moon hike – a ritual performed by many a visitor and Capetonian alike. Something that I personally had not experienced and something The Muse and I had chatted at length about doing. In particular I was excited to see “the moon rising on the one side, and the sun setting on the other!” We agreed to join.

We had no idea what to expect for our debut Lion’s Head hike, and headed up around 17h45 on the night of the full moon (this was the 9th of April).

The hike is basically a full spiral revolution of Lion’s Head, starting at Signal Hill, taking you up around Kloof Nek, over Camps Bay, past the Paraglider launch point, over and around Clifton, Bantry Bay, Fresnaye and Sea Point (with Robben Island in the distance), over Signal Hill, over the City Bowl (with staggering Table Mountain views) and ending up again just above Kloof Nek.

Paraglider launch point view over Camps Bay

Bantry Bay, Fresnaye and Sea Point
with Robben Island chilling in the background

G Man enjoying Le Table Mountain

A lot of you would have heard about “the chains,” and whether you should “go up the chains” or not. Personally, we did not go up the chains. There was a queue at the chains and I didn’t have the strength nor the time (the sun was about to set) to stare up a German’s backside as he negotiated “the chains.” The chains are for people who INSIST on getting to the very top. But, trust me, there is no need. Skip the chains and keep on going.

Believe me, you don’t need to go any further. Unless you want to join queues of hustling and bustling psychopaths along a pathway the size of my waist with treacherous drops on either side. This is where you end up instead..

Yes, that is the moon rising on the one side
Can you get your hand down now?

And the sun setting on the other side

Don’t be shy to “up” the exposure

The Gang
Proudly poses at the top
(yes, I was taking the pic)

We stayed up there and had a couple glasses of wine, some beers and possibly even a quiet joint. The sun set completely and we headed down the precarious mountain path. Some people had actual headlamps on their heads, but we made do with three or four mini Maglights. Fine!

So there you have it. A wonderful experience from start to finish. Highly recommend for those of you that haven’t been. Trust me, you’ll be fine, it’s not that hectique. And you can definitely substitute it for gym that day!

LIONS HEAD FULL MOON HIKE TIPS AND PREPARATION

CLICK HERE to check when the next full moon is. Go on the day that says “FULL.” Kind of makes sense. Plan to go up on that day.

Then, CLICK HERE to see what time the sun is currently setting .

Plan to meet your crew at the base of the hike 01h15 before the time of the sunset (no registration or anything necessary – just arrive). To get there, you simply hang a right at the top of Kloof Nek (the road you take to get to Signal Hill). Drive up the tarred road about 200 to 300 meters and park. You’ll know you’re in the right place as there will be loads of people with backpacks on. There is also a little wooden hut .

Park your car (I went on a scooter as this is how smart Capetonians travel) and congregate with your crew next to the wooden hut. You’ll notice a dirt path heading up the mountain from that point – next to a metal boom of sorts.

Start heading up a minimum of 50 minutes before the sunset time. We had a sunset time of 18h30 and ensured that we started heading up at the latest 17h45.

Wear some descent sports shoes or takkies and shorts . I went in jeans which is not the end of the world, but I would have preferred shorts.

Take along a torch or a headlamp if you want. But keep in mind that just because you’re up a mountain and your life is at risk, does not mean you ignore the rules of fashion and coolness.

Just kidding. Headlamps are fine and can be bought for one or two hundred bucks from Cape Union Mart at The V&A Waterfront. Torches are more than fine and you should have at least two torches for every three people at the very least. One each would be ideal, but not the end of the world.

Pack a little backpack with some snacks and drinks for when you get to the top. Two drinks per person should be fine. Don’t forget to pack water as well. In terms of weed, I packed a pinner and one drag each was more than fine.

I’d advise you to also take a warm top for when the sun sets and a possible night time nip kicks in.

Clear up your area before you leave. Check in and around rocks where you were sitting and take any litter, even if it isn’t yours.

Walk down slowly and help each other . If you walk through a tricky section and the person behind you doesn’t have a torch, stop and shine the light in front of them until they are through it as well. Even if you don’t know them. It’s just cooler that way.

That’s it! Good luck and enjoy!

Don’t forget the camera!

Oh, and this was the view from The Safe House the next morning between 6am and 7am.

I know – pretty cool hey?

We’re pretty passionate about cellphone rules (check out article Latest Cellphone Rules), here at 2oceansvibe and have even included them in our Cape Town Rules section of the site.

Following on from that article, I have noticed more and more people struggling with private numbers. I’ve found that some people are still unable to ignore them, fuelled with the fear that the call might be important and the person at the other end might not leave a message and the “opportunity” might be missed. This is a possibility – a possibility which can easily be fixed by educating the caller.

You need to EXPLAIN the rules to the callers

The only reason people with private numbers piss you off, is because they keep on phoning and refuse to leave a message. How are they to know that you don’t answer private numbers? Banks and the rest of the annoying ones will keep on calling until you answer – that is what they’re told to do. UNLESS you put some new rules in front of them , which they have no option BUT to follow. Otherwise, I swear to God, it is NEVER going to stop..

It’s not cool to live like that – you’re on holiday, REMEMBER?!

These rules need to be stated in your voicemail. Simple instructions which have been created for every scenario and every caller type. These rules are also very handy for friends who might be terribly offended, should you tell them to their face; but the fact that it is a general voicemail message for everyone, avoids this sensitive issue.

The madness stopped dead in it’s tracks the day I changed my voicemail message to this:

Hi sorry I couldn’t take your call.
Please leave a message after the beep.
If you don’t leave a message I won’t call you back.
If I don’t know your number and you call again, I still won’t answer.
If you do leave a message that does not state the purpose of your call
..or does not make sense, I’m afraid I won’t be phoning you back.
I suggest then that you either send a text message, or email me.
Thanks.
Bye.

You like that? You see what I did there? And did you enjoy that part about “the purpose of your call?” – it’s so awesome. Now, if you run into someone who moans that you didn’t call them back, you can simply tell them that “I need to pick your brain” is NOT stating the purpose of the call. Saved again by your new voicemail message!

Then what you do is you call your service provider (0821082 for Vodacom) and tell them to turn on the “Spinvox” voicemail-to-text function which converts your voicemails into a text message (R49/month). No, I am not bullshitting you – this is a very real thing. Then, any voicemail message that is left on your phone gets converted into a text message (after a couple minutes) and you can READ what the person SAID in the message. It’s pretty incredible and it works. When they read out numbers it comes out in the text written as an actual number so you can just click the number to call them back.

Oh my God, this is a LIVE TEST: My phone is ringing right this second with a number showing – but a number I do not know.

The ringing has stopped and the voicemail is being read to the strange caller.

Standing by.

They’ve left a message.

[2 minutes later] It has been converted into a text message. A detailed message. With a number.

It’s someone I don’t want to speak to. A salesman type person.

I leave it.

Case closed.

Next..

Loyal readers will know that 2oceansvibe has been going for seven years now and with that comes a certain level of trust – not only from the readers, but from Google as well. Seth has always maintained his integrity with regards to the brands he works with and if a brand he believes in/uses (paid or otherwise) offends his readers or let’s them down, there is INSTANT recourse via Seth. Everyone knows that.

The most recent example was the panel beater (Auto Magic) I stumbled upon via a friend and wrote about (see article about the best Cape Town panel beater here). I put that article up because I was damn pleased with the guy’s service – and I wanted you to know about him. Because he didn’t let me down, I very much doubt he will let you down – especially if you tell them you’re a part of the 2oceansvibe. Through his excellent service and subsequent article on 2oceansvibe, the story is now ranking #1 in Google for the search phrase Cape Town Panel Beater.

Another Google #1
CLICK HERE to see list of other #1’s

Again, this is because 2oceansvibe has gained Google’s trust. More specifically, 2oceansvibe has a 4/10 Google Page Rank. This page rank is a good indicator of how well articles on a particular site will rank in Google. To give you an idea how good this is for a private entity, the Sky News website has a 6/10 page rank. and enjoy this, News24 has a 4/10 page rank – the SAME as 2oceansvibe. That’s News24 – the “TRADITIONAL MEDIA.”

There’s nothing sinister about it. It’s a simple pattern : I’ve gained Google’s trust – I don’t want to abuse that. The brands gain my trust – they don’t want to abuse that. The readers trust me – I cannot let them down and insist that they receive instant recourse, via me if necessary.

Top service and good brands get top results. As they should. It’s nothing more than that. Just good people looking after each other and spreading the love.

Some people call it “The Secret” – I call it “basics”…

If you call me with a private number or a number I don’t know, I will not answer. FACT .

If you don’t leave a message and call me again, I still will not answer. FACT .

You can do this as many times as you wish over as many days as you want and the FACTS stated above will remain the same. That is why they are called FACTS .

[By the way, the person currently calling me every second day with the number ending in 5193, and never leaving a message - you might need to get these FACTS into your head. That, or possibly some therapy.]

Try me

If you call with a private number or a number I don’t know and you DO leave a message explaining who you are and what you want, then there is a good chance I will probably call you back, possibly immediately – unless you’re trying to sell me something. FACT.

If you leave a message without mentioning a reason for the call, you are a prick and I probably won’t call you back (eg. Hi Seth, it’s wankface here; my number is 1234567, please call me). FACT. And throwing in the words “I just need to pick your brain” is classified as the same thing. Fuck you, you will not pick my brain, you will leave a message with a clue as to the topic.

All of this can be avoided with a simple text message! Don’t you get it?? It is not my problem that you “don’t know how to sms” or that you “prefer phoning” – times have changed, pal. Just like you don’t arrive unannounced at someone’s home, things have progressed and changed in the way we communicate. SMSing is no longer an ALTERNATIVE, it actually has it’s very own purpose.

I hardly ever phone people without sending a warning sms, simply asking when would be convenient. Nine times out of ten they advise a better time. “Call in 10 minutes, just having my hair cut” is a good example of the replies one gets. Which proves the theory, time and again. Phoning out of the blue is so fucking random. The other person could be carrying shopping bags. They could be in the middle of a long conversation. They could be having lunch with friends. They could be with their mother. They could be writing a serious email. They could be in a bad reception area and are aware that the call would be a nightmare to deal with. They could be sleeping! They could be making love to a 19 year old Polish American! Who the fuck are you to pounce on them out of the blue, without taking into account the fact that they just might not be chilling out on the sofa waiting for your call? It’s just not cool.

For example YOU DO NOT PHONE TO ASK FOR SOMEONE ELSE’S NUMBER – EVER. You sms them for the number and they will sms you back. FACT. It doesn’t matter if you are in a hurry. If I don’t sms it back immediately, I am obviously unable to do it at that particular time. Who exactly do you think you are?

I had a mate call me to ask for someone’s number. I kept cool, found the number and started reading it out to him. He stopped me mid way and said, “umm, can you rather sms that to me.”

Jesus Christ bru, do you want me to make the call for you as well?

If your phone rings, turn the sound off FIRST, THEN see who is calling. My head comes very close to explosion when people look at the screen and start mumbling, “Ooh, I wonder what he wants,” as they ponder answering or not (all the time the phone is ringing its head off!). And then someone suggests they turn the sound off and they give it the big, “I was ABOUT TO, but I wanted to see who it was!”

Huh! Sorry, that sentence doesn’t make sense. Please leave.

Phone rings – sound off – then look.

Also, you NEVER phone on a Sunday. Ever. In fact any time on the weekend is a bit silly.

Wake up people. Learn these rules – you’ll be surprised how many people agree with them.

As the trend for zero tolerence when it comes to cyclist’s wearing their helmets in public grows, it is interesting to note that some establishments have now made it law.

This, found on the menu at Pirates in Hout Bay.

2oceansvibe and Cape Town as a whole, applaud Pirates

I must say, my hat goes off to these guys.

Hahahahaha!

Get it?

HAT

GOES

OFF

Whaaaah!

Sorry.

[thanks liz]

Judging by the 2oceansvibe stats, most of you seem to be getting back into the office this week. Welcome back. 2009 is going to be the greatest year of your life.

FACT.

I trust your fellow office workers, colleagues and clients understand the Cape Town January Rule? You know, the (no longer) unwritten rule that insists that no-one does or requests anything requiring more than 2/10 effort, for the month of January. FEBRUARY is when the year ACTUALLY starts. Everyone knows that and, if they don’t, send them here so that they can read it in black and white.

And we’ll end off that little message with this photo taken yesterday, as the Atlantic Ocean indulged in another cheeky game of “lake-lake.” Very naughty!

I thought I would give my Caprice tab a rest, as we toasted The Kitesurfer’s birthday at Baraza – the birthplace of Goldfish.

This is what we in the industry refer to as “very kak.”

A game of “lake-lake”

I trust you enjoyed how I managed to capture an actual pigeon in mid-flight. Everyone knows that it is practically impossible to do so, ESPECIALLY on a down-flap.

But… you know how I roll.

Sunday breakfast at Caprice presented us with a front page article with full-size pic, featuring the handicap parking zone in front of the Camps Bay eatery of choice.

It seems ANC national executive, Tony Yengeni, had been caught brazenly parking in the handicap zone; whilst unashamedly dining not 10 metres away.

Why punish yourself?

The same article was also published online. Iol reports:

With a fortnight before his parole ends, convicted fraudster Tony Yengeni was spotted at a trendy Camps Bay cafe with a glass of sparkling wine in front of him and his car in a disabled bay nearby.

Witnesses told Weekend Argus he refused to move the black BMW M5 – which has a new list price of almost R1-million – when it was pointed out that it was parked illegally.

Instead he went on to enjoy his Friday sundowners at Cafe Caprice with another man and a pretty young woman, and his car just metres from his table.

[more here]

You might remember the subject was originally raised right here at 2oceansvibe, in the article about the guy parking the Lamborghini in that very same spot (also featured within the Cape Town Rules section of the site).

So then, it’s official. 2oceansvibe is exactly 4 months ahead of mainstream media in Cape Town, when it comes to things people ACTUALLY talk about.

I went to test drive a bottle of rosé at Caprice this evening. I was expecting something special but, instead, I got the view you see below. I have always been careful not to punish the ill-informed – but then there is another, rather prominent side of me that wants to punish those who suffer from ill-logic. Take for example my friend here – Mr. Four by Four.

Sigh. …Shame….

Above waist height – an absolute NO-NO in front of Caprice

Now, it doesn’t take a genius to work out that a 4X4 vehicle can very easily get in the way. Those familiar with the Caprice layout (in Camps Bay, Cape Town – with respect to our readers from Pluto) will agree that there is a very clear line of sight when in and outside of Caprice. Regulars will be aware that there is a handicap parking zone directly outside the entrance with a legal parking spot just next to it – stretching to the corner of the curb. Whilst some people do make the error of parking in the handicap zone (we can do nothing about these people – they come from another breeding pool), there are others who believe that the other (legal) parking place (directly in front of Cappers) is fine. Let me take this opportunity to inform you that IT IS NOT, just, FINE. How can you POSSIBLY not realise that your mammoth, long-wheel-base-man-car might be ruining MANY people’s afternoons/evenings? Were you HONESTLY unaware? Are you kidding? How is that possible? I drive a fairly decent semi-sporty two door car and I can confidently declare that I have never parked in that particular spot !!!! In a two door – Let alone a moon vehicle!

To clear everything up (before I COMPLETELY lose my mind), whilst I may come across as materialistic and pretentious, it is an unspoken rule that this spot is only to be used by Ferrari’s and Lamborghini’s. These two brands of car, whilst hot and slick and pretty, just HAPPEN to be of average waist height – thus conducive to sunsets and views at Caprice – something which MR FOUR BY FUCKING FOUR SEEMED TO HAVE NEGLECTED TO REALISE. (That’s right, investing in a Ferrari gets you the coke-whore AND the cool parking spot – everyone’s a winner!)

So before everybody thinks it is COOL to park in front of Caprice…..it is NOT COOL AT ALL. But it is FINE in a Ferrari or a Lamborghini – PURELY BECAUSE OF THE VIEW. – Don’t get confused… and don’t be an idiot.
GOSH!

You IDIOT !!!!!

We’ve seen a number of embarrassing moments at Caprice, when it comes to the yellow-marked handicapped zone in front of the main entrance. My personal favourite being the time a troop of slicksters emerged from a brand spanking new black Mercedes-Benz. The driver was stopped by another patron as they made their way into the cafe/bar.

“Awesome car!” the patron commented to the leader of the group.

“Hey thanks man!” gave the illegally parked driver.

“Oh, one more thing… which one of you are handicapped?”

It was too emboerrissing for words, with a number of muffled guffaws from other tables – a result of the alarming levels of sophistication currently on display. Proof that money can’t buy class.

Whilst I certainly might be a candidate to buy a Lamborghini at some stage of the game, I will probably take care of where I park. People look at Lamborghinis ALL the time, whether they are driving passed or parking. Thus making it the most unsubtle car to illegally park in a handicapped zone. Especially at the entrance of a landmark restaurant in the absolute hotspot of one of the planet’s most desired cities.

The handicapped zone
A test of ignorance

The driver was warned by a Caprice staff member and he confirmed that he wouldn’t be staying long.

Shame, not two minutes later a lawman arrived, as our boy proceeded to argue the case in front of everyone and had to standby as the cop wrote out a ticket and ordered him to remove the car. It was like a scripted life lesson video – the kind you’d show to a group of kids as an example of karma and how to behave, socially.

* sigh*

It is with some amusement that I read the words “Private Number” or “Unknown” on my cellphone’s display. The phone is set to ’silent’, returned to it’s previous position and ignored. Unknown numbers will, quite simply, not be answered. Ever. The non-answering of these calls has become something of second nature to me. It’s honestly reached a point that I don’t even know that I’m doing it. Like changing gears in a car. That’s how real the situation is. It’s like the call never occurred.

And let me tell you this as well, secret person, you can ring back as many times as you want and I swear to God nothing is going to change. If you INSIST on using a hidden number then the only form of communication will have to, and can only be in the form of a message. You can choose not to leave a message as many times as you fucking want and you know what? Nothings going to change, Freak Show.

The Maasai people are not scared of
taking calls from Private Numbers

I was chatting to The Lawyer about this and she confessed that she is prone to taking even more extreme measures. She turns on them like an Alsation and presses the red phone instead of the green phone – killing the call – not even letting them get to the voicemail message. She fucking punishes them. Ring-ring… RED PHONE…BANG!…FUCK YOU! Callers are left with the dull pain one feels when a ringing phone sound turns into a busy signal – knowingly dealt by the would-be answerer..

..and then they call again.

“RING-RING”

[RED BUTTON] – BANG! FUCK YOU!

“RING-RI..”

[RED BUTTON] – WHAMMO! FUCK OFF!

“RING”

[RED BUTTON] – BAH! DIE!

“R”

[RED BUTTON] – BANG! And punished!

It’s not to do with being a tit, it’s merely the insane risk of taking a call that just doesn’t fit the current situation. I mean…Jesus…..are you fucking high?

Friends can call and their names will come up and the call could still be ignored. It’s nothing nasty – clearly you’re busy. The beauty of this is they don’t even have to leave a message. They know that the situation wasn’t ideal and they know you’ll probably call them back. And if you don’t, it means you forgot and that they should try again later. There’s no malice involved. So that’s all pretty easy to deal with and understand. But an unknown number could very easily be some cock from FNB telling you that you have been pre-approved for a…. FUCK OFF! Cock!

I can hear some of you whining that your company’s switchboard shows up as a private number and there is nothing you can do about it. Ok. Good. We’ve already covered that. Leave a message.

Ok, so are we clear?

Good.

That’s all I really wanted to say right now.

Good luck with that Private Number of yours. I wish you two all the best.

“I called yesterday but you didn’t answer”

“Did you leave a message”

“No”

“Good”

You know, just when I thought everyone knew the rules, some arsehole always seems to phone about business, or schedule a meeting, after one o’ clock on a Friday.

Absolutely bizarre! Who ARE these people?

Can’t you see everything work related ceases to exist after one on a Friday? Can’t you see that even the “working” Capetonians drink beers at their desks from one on a Friday?

Here is an idea of things to do on a Friday. Have a look at these pics taken last week when the ocean forgot how to make waves for five days.
(With apologies to the ex-pats)

Back to the story. I’m talking about those guys who like to pretend. You know the ones I’m talking about. Those ‘meeting hunters’ who feel that nothing can be accomplished without a physical hour together. They duck and dive and cheat and lie to trick you into having a meeting. But that’s not the end of it – they’ve got your hand and they’re not stopping till they rip the whole fucking arm off.

“Hey Seth! I was thinking we should have that meeting we chatted about towards the end of the week. How does that sound?”.

[I'm already quite edgy at the mention of the words "towards the end of the week". To be QUITE honest, I personally can't find a more comfortable time than 10h30 on a Tuesday for a 40 minute meeting]

“Umm, ja…..cool….I suppose. When were you thinking?”, I stutter.

[I use a tone of voice that, I hope ,indicates how HORRIFICALLY awkward I am feeling. My tone of voice could probably be compared to that of a 10 year old boy boy reluctantly agreeing with a priest that playing with his penis is a good idea]

“Well, I was thinking three o’ clock on Friday”

[Sweet Mary, Mother of God. Is this guy on crack?]

“I beg your pardon”, I allow him to rethink.

Our boy is clueless, “I said three on Friday is looking good for me”, he repeats.

WELL ITS NOT LOOKING GOOD FOR ME, FUCK NUT!

And so we are forced to lie about a conference that is going on “the whole of Friday”. Shame on you for making me lie!

I don’t know who these people are and I don’t know what they’re trying to prove, but no-one is impressed. Maybe they’re new in town and they haven’t heard about the rule. Maybe they’re from Jo’burg and they’re trying to show us how HARD and LATE they work. Well I am VERY impressed! You guys work VERY hard, now get me a gin and tonic with a twist of lime.

If you MUST have a meeting on a Friday, the only one you can do is the one at 10h30 at Caprice. That’s the one that goes on until the sun sets. Chat about business for ten minutes, then relax-ay-vu. In fact, I think that is what I”m supposed to be doing with James Stewart tomorrow. We’re collaborating on a new album.

Are we on, Jammo?