Remember a few months back when the local rags were full of news about Hollywood stars, Ryan Reynolds and Denzel Washington, seen out and about in the Mother City filming an upcoming action flick? Well, check out the fruit of those labours after the jump! Universal just dropped the trailer for Safe House, and nevermind the glossy A-listers, the real star of this show is our home town, looking mighty fine.

Not a lot about the plot is available, other than that Denzel plays a bad ass rogue CIA agent who is being kept in a Cape Town CIA safe house, and Ryan Reynolds is the safe house guardian who has to act fast when shizness gets real. It looks great, but Cape Town looks even greater. What a feeling to watch iKapa graduate from background scenery (Lord of War anyone?) to bona fide front of camera film actor. Magical!

Cape Town Tourism chiefs are grinning from ear to ear this week as they smugly proclaimed that just after filling Greenpoint stadium last Wednesday night, UK alt rock sensation Coldplay applied to the City authorities to record a new music video in and around the Mother City, as well as in the Klein Karoo.

Filming took place  over the weekend before the band hauled ass to Johannesburg to perform in front of 62 000 Gautengers’ cellphone cameras on Saturday night. The video will be released globally later this year, accompanying a new single from the band’s upcoming fifth studio album, Mylo Xyloto.

Your correspondent hung around the AFDA campus in Observatory all yesterday to glean some deets from the shoot (come on, those rich kid film brats get into everything), but to no avail. It seems likely the shoot relied more on our precious and unique local flora than… er… fauna. Still, iKapa 1, Egoli 0.

[Source: Channel 24]

Other buddies of mine who have realised that private calls are fundamentally rude and insulting are able to ignore calls, but the little hamster in their head starts going once the ringing stops. I wonder who that was? Will they leave a message? Why hasn’t it come through yet? Questions like that don’t arise when you’re part of the elite. And anyway, elite level communicators have a voicemail which tells the caller that they mustn’t leave a message, and should rather email or SMS.

So many questions and such a bizarre waste of time, spent on what is inevitably a bank telling you a bullshit story about how you have been selected for a credit card. We’ve all had them, and as true as the sea is blue, every single person I know hates them.

“Hello! We’ve been sent to destroy you!”

What I want to say to all the companies out there is that just because only one in 100 freaks out (me, if I answer to release some energy), do not be fooled into thinking that the other people enjoy the suspense you created, and the call itself. Just because they don’t berate your poorly trained gimps reading from a manual, does not mean they enjoyed the experience. They hate it. And even if they like your company, they hate you for making them go through that minor anxiety.

And please don’t tell me that your phone system “is just like that.” Bullshit. You can have a number come up and your clients/friends can save it for future reference. Fact. And if you can’t, then you need to switch systems.

And so, in summary, I want to say to all the companies out there using private numbers – you are damaging your brand. And the more you do it, the more people will hate you. Fact.

But who gives a rat’s ass, right? It’s not about the customer – it’s about you.

So carry on with that. And the best of luck to you.

The eighth call from the same number this week, came through just a few minutes ago (I’m currently high on adrenalin) and I answered it, perplexed as to why the caller was unable to follow through with basic instructions.

Turns out it was Nedbank.

Turns out Sipho, who handles FOREIGN EXCHANGE at Nedbank in Sea Point, is not allowed to have a bank email address.

HE HANDLES INTERNATIONAL FOREIGN EXCHANGE AND DEALS WITH CLIENTS IN THE BANK AND DOES NOT HAVE AN EMAIL ADDRESS.

I find that phenomenal.

A recent photograph taken at Nedbank in Sea Point

Sipho needed a document from me, so I gave him a website address, which details my physical address, as well as a handly map and parking instructions.

Guess what, THEY ARE NOT ALLOWED TO GO ON THE INTERNET.

AT ALL.

He informed me that they had an inTRAnet.

Wonderful.

That’s like saying you don’t play golf BUT you have thrashed Tiger Woods on the Nintendo Wii.

Someone in the bank handling foreign exchange and dealing with clients in the year 2011 – with no email address? It’s actually so embarrassing it’s verging on hilarity.

Please, Nedbank – get a grip…

_______________

CLICK HERE for all past articles about Phone Calls and how the world is changing…

The Princess Emma – Winning!

We know who you are. Tomorrow, we’re coming for you, and we’re getting you on a yacht, and we can do it nice and easy-like, or the hard way.

That’s all up to your boss.

So employers of Cape Town. Ready yourselves. Steel your constitutions. Because tomorrow, we could be coming for YOUR employees. Do you want to be the boss who stood in the way of progress, happiness and liberation? Or are you going to seize the moment? It’s going to happen, either way.

So make sure you’re tuned in to 2oceansvibe Radio all day tomorrow to find out who the lucky winner is, and catch all of the unfolding action.

We’ll be broadcasting for the duration of the day from The Princess Emma, kindly provided by the good people at The Last Word, a group of five star intimate hotels in and around Cape Town, with properties in Bishopscourt, Constantia, Camp’s Bay, Franschhoek, Kommetjie and of course, Princess Emma.

“I’m on a boat”. That is all.

Alright, boys and girls. Brace yourselves.

Over a month ago, 2oceansvibe and Jack Daniels combined forces to bring you Jack Friday. Jack Friday is the logical culmination of 2oceansvibe’s ongoing efforts to have Friday afternoon working hours abolished. (Read the extensive history at your own leisure, here.)

So what did we do? We staged a kidnapping. A joyful kidnapping, which resulted in one Capetonian man and four of his good mates spending Friday afternoon chilling out with great food, music, and Jack, instead of slaving behind a desk.

Last month’s lucky winner, Kai Linder, wrote a little bit about his experience over at his blog, check it out if you have a chance.

This Friday’s experience is happening on this yacht. Shame.

If you want to stand a chance to win an afternoon on the Princess Emma this coming Friday, CLICK HERE. You’ve got two hours to enter!

Go!

Since then, we’ve furthered the cause by engaging Cape Town City Mayor Dan Plato on the issue. And this coming Friday, we continue our march toward the abolition of the Friday working day.

Win an afternoon on a luxury yacht with four of your friends!

The exact yacht you might be killing it on, on Friday

This coming Friday afternoon (6 May) you could be working – or you could be chilling with four of your friends on a yacht, moored off Clifton 4th Beach, with great food, great drink, and great music – in absolute comfort.

Best of all, we will take care of your boss for you. That’s right – we’ll call your boss and negotiate your release. And we will make it happen.

HOW TO WIN:

• To win, tell us your most creative excuse for getting off work.
• Simply tweet your excuse to @2oceansvibe or @2ovfm. Make sure you add the #JackFriday hashtag!
• If you don’t hear from us by tomorrow afternoon (May 4), you haven’t won.

Ready?

GO!

CLICK HERE for more about the yacht – courtesy of The Last Word

Look, in no way do we condone his behaviour. Insulting references to another man’s female relatives, most especially The Mother, should never be tolerated.

But look, the guy was clearly backed in to a corner.He’s clearly in the court room against his will. And what would his reasons for not wanting to be in that court room be? If you study the transcript, the answer is obvious.

First off, it is apparent that the advocate has already missed that morning’s proceedings due to some poor luck – his car broke down, and his SilverStreak clerk failed to notify the court of his predicament.

So he’s standing in a court room (his work place), getting a grilling, on a Friday afternoon.

Notice how he gives the judge a way out of this inhumane wreck taking place? He called to suggest that proceedings be postponed until Monday. The judge didn’t get it. He didn’t take the way out.

He called him back to work. After a joke of a morning. On a Friday afternoon.

Boom. All of a sudden you’ve got a man flipping out. See how this all could have been avoided?

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: 2OCEANSVIBE AND JACK DANIELS ARE SAVING YOU FROM A SITUATION LIKE THIS, THIS FRIDAY.

I had to capslock all of that. Just so we’re all clear. Right, listen up, my loves.

2oceansvibe has, for the longest time, protested the violation of the sanctity of the Friday afternoon by employers who insist on forcing their charges to feign productivity. They keep the pressure on them, riding them hard, all the way to 17h00 on a Friday evening, when in fact, it is a universal truth that no one works productively past noon on a Friday. Catch up on all the history, here, here, here, here, here, and, of course, here.

Long story short, Jack Daniels have partnered with us to stage a societal intervention. Jack Daniels and 2oceansvibe are bringing you Jack Fridays, baby.

What is Jack Friday? In Tennessee, Jack Friday is the first Friday of every month, where Jack Daniels employees get to reap the fruits of their toil. Generally, everyone takes a load off, and a few bottles of Jack home with them.

But we’re not in Tennessee, so the Jack love is being brought to Cape Town. Here in Cape Town, a Jack Friday is a life changing experience. It’s a chance for you and four of your friends to escape from work on a Friday afternoon, and spend the time like it ought to be – in complete comfort, leisure and relaxation, all courtesy of Jack Daniels and 2oceansvibe. And the first Jack Friday is this Friday.

What would you prefer to be doing on Friday afternoon? Pretending to work every time your manager walks past, or chilling on top of a mild and friendly Table Mountain with four of your friends, with all the music, sumptuous food, drink and company you could ask for? We’ve got weather reports for sunshine, 23 degrees, and no wind. Ah yeah…

If you’d prefer the first option, we apologise unreservedly for wasting your time. You’re at the wrong place.

Hang out with him instead, mkay?

If, however, you like the second option, keep reading for details of how to win your place on top of that lovely landmark!

A better way to spend Friday

HOW TO WIN:

• Remember our advocate? He went to extraordinary lengths to get off work. To win, tell us your most creative excuse for getting off work.
• Simply tweet your excuse to @2oceansvibe or @2ovfm. Make sure you add the #JackFriday hashtag!
• If you don’t hear from us by tomorrow afternoon, you haven’t won.

Ready?

GO!

No problem – here it is.

Time to grow up a bit people.

You shouldn’t be treated like a child.

You’re better than that.

Download these sick notes and submit them to your boss on your return to work on Tuesday morning.

Tweet us to let us know how it turns out. And don’t forget the #JackFriday hashtag. We need to aggregate the rebellion.

Go!

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD A ZIP FILE WIOTH HI-RES VERSIONS OF ALL THOSE SICK NOTES!

We’ve harped on for a very, very long time on the issue of people scheduling taxing meetings and/or work on Friday afternoons. If you’re not familiar with this particular gripe, stop what you’re doing right this very minute, and read these links. Go on. Off with you (here, and here).

Not satisfied with whinging, we decided to take the matter further. We drew up a petition, and we agitated for change on 2oceansvibe Radio. The response to the petition was phenomenal, with well over a thousand irate Capetonians venting their righteous ire and adding their signatures to the paper.

The idea was to take the petition to the mayor, who, I recalled, had invited me for tea some time ago.

Well, the Mayor wasn’t available.We were, for all intents and purposes, rejected.

So we took a few drastic steps. When government won’t listen, you do two things: go to the media, and get corporate backing. We’d met Jeff Arnett – the seventh master distiller of Jack Daniels Whiskey in the history of the distillery – some time ago when he was a guest on 2oceansvibe Radio, and so we knew about their company policy of kicking back on the first Friday of every month with a few bottles of charitably-given Jack. We asked Jeff if he could orchestrate Jack Daniel’s backing of 2oceansvibe’s campaign to get the workforce of Cape Town, and ultimately, South Africa, liberated from the lie that is work hours on Friday afternoons.

Call To Jeff Arnett by 2oceansvibe.com

Which brings us to today. We have a small announcement to make, so we’d very much appreciate your attention, please.

Jeff has pulled off a minor coup. In the space of one week, he’s bent the ear of the corporate powers that be at Jack Daniels. We’re partnering with JD to bring you Jack Fridays.

How does this benefit you, you ask? The answer is two-fold. First off, we’re highlighting the cause. We’re shedding the kind of light on this subject that it deserves. Ultimately, the long-term goal is to actually looking to getting legislation amended to realistically address the working habits of Capetonians, and South Africans in general, on a Friday afternoon.

(The economists among you will argue that the local market will be adversely affected by such changes. We beg to differ. If no productive work is being extracted from Friday afternoons in the de facto status quo, then the restructuring of work hours on a Friday afternoon would, in fact, save captains of industry a substantial quantity of money that would otherwise be squandered on work hours that return nothing for the investment of pay.)

On a lighter note, you – yes, you, the suffering labourer – can experience the true joys of a non-working Friday afternoon, courtesy of our allies, Jack Daniels.  You will experience the “Jack Friday”. Can you handle that? Read on before you answer that question.

Friday April 1 is the first of many Jack Fridays to come over the course of this year, and the next. What have we got up our sleeves first up? Nothing less that Table Mountain, that’s what. All you need to know for now is that we will, on your behalf, call your boss, and plead your case for why you should get the afternoon off, before swooping in with our extraction team, and spiriting you to the safety of leisure, comfortable clothing, the company of four of your best friends – all from the summit of Cape Town’s iconic landmark. It sounds quite nice, hey? It is.

Watch out for details of how you can win the inaugeral Jack Friday experience at the start of next week.

You in? We are.

Boom.

Today is Friday. You know what that means. That means that we knock off at 12h00.

Do you know why we knock off at 12h00? Because we’re not lying to ourselves.

“I”M NOT LYING TO MYSELF.”

You shouldn’t either.

No one is working productively after 12h00 on a Friday afternoon. The only thing that happens is the willful killing of time, begging every second flee before the great hand of 17h00 on the office wall clock.

But enough of that. You can read the rest of the well-reasoned argument here, and previously, here.

We promised you that we would do something to remedy this farcical situation. We’re actually aiming to get local, and someday, national labour law changed, to reflect the actual habits and working hours of Cape Town’s great unwashed (that would be you and me). So we’ve been lobbying our asses off. You can sign the petition here. It’s a pleasure.

So throughout this week we’ve been attempting to deliver the reams of signed petition notices to the Mayoral office. But we’re trying to get a dialogue going, so we won’t engage in mischievous tendencies, like dumping bundles of paper on the steps of the civic offices. No, we want to have tea. Tea, which was offered to us some time ago.

As you can see, our attempt to redeem the Mayor’s invitation to tea has been rebuffed. Dialogue is not possible for the next three weeks.

Hell, we even sent Dan Plato a friend request on Facebook. No dice.

This will not stand.

Stand by for what we call a lobbying “lesson in initiative”.

I’m talking about the creeping, evil tendency for wolves among us to insist on work commitments on Friday afternoons. Or on Fridays at all.

Don’t these people value life?

Look, I’ve talked extensively about this problem, here, and more recently, here.

Hell, you can even listen to me having a good rant right now.

Friday Rant by 2oceansvibe.com

And I’m not the only one. I hope some day you’ll join us, and we can live as one (on a Friday afternoon).

Amen

How rude, INDEED!

We do.

But want I want is less complaining, and more change. Genuinely. I want your signatures, and I want to get this to local government. And who knows, maybe even national from there.

We’ll deliver this petition to local government next week. You have our word on this.

Are you with me?

Are you with me?

CLICK HERE to download the PDF of the petition. Print it, sign it, send it around your office, scan it, and mail it back to us.

If you don’t have a printer or scanner, leave a comment below. Use your real email address when you leave the comment, and your name to let us know that you’re in (email address will not be displayed in the comments section – just your name and message of support). Also, don’t be shy to have a rant. We need a groundswell here, people.
GO!

Let’s repeat that for those of your whose minds are exploding at this point. Together now. Breathe in, and hold it, and…

“Work does not happen on Friday afternoons.”

That felt good, didn’t? I bet it felt GREAT to admit that. You know it. Come on, you do. Don’t lie to me, you naughty little Friday afternoon meeting ferret.

Look, the last time I wrote about this issue was in November 2006. The rant seemed to do the job. People were finally “getting” that we prepare ourselves for two solid days of rest and relaxation. But bad habits die hard, and more and more people are hitting me up on Thursday evening for Friday afternoon meetings.

We don’t do meetings on Friday afternoons, okay? None of the employees at the desks in your office are working, either. They only sit upright when you walk past, because you’re such a fun-nazi. And look at that, you made them cock up their game of tetris.

Here’s two visual suggestions of things you could, and should be doing instead on a Friday afternoon.

I’d probably manage to pump out a few emails from there.

STOP THE PRESSES: Someone literally just had the audacity to suggest a Friday  afternoon meeting at three. This is a guy that I don’t mind – actually, scratch that, I like him, but if he honestly believes it’s not completely toilet to suggest having a meeting that will require concentration and hand-holding and following up literally TWO HOURS before the legal beginning of the weekend, then you are having one hell of a laugh my friend. And it’s RUDE.

Why don’t you just be true to yourself and admit the FACT that that no ones cares on a Friday afternoon. It’s rude, and it’s putting me in an awkward place, because you’re trying to show off.

And I’m not impressed.  It’s not clever,  it’s a let down. You’ve let me down. You look stupid. Stop it.

Stop. it.

Daddy loves you.

Who agrees with this? Hey? Let’s all get in a big circle and say together, “We don’t work on Friday afternoons.” Okay? It’s the honest thing to do.

Why do we even have Friday on our work calendars?

This is going further. Mark my words.

As we settle into a fresh work year, it is nice to know that we live in a place where every morning, afternoon and weekend, the holiday continues. But don’t take it for granted folks; the bad weather that has been slamming the rest of the country will eventually head this way… but luckily only in June. Till then, enjoy.

[source: IOL]

In the tech industry saying that something is dead actually means “It’s on the decline.” And yes, the phone call is on an inexorable decline.

My original title for this post was “The Phone Call Will Be Dead In __ Years” but as consumer inertia is somehow still keeping our parent company Aol in the dialup business, I thought it might be prudent not to include an ETA on the death of the call.

Less obsolete but more annoying than a handwritten letter, the phone call is fading as a mode of communication even if the nostalgic will be singing its praises for awhile. We reached a breaking point in 2008 when text messaging topped mobile phone calling in usage, and we’ve been living in a world dominated by text based communication ever since (Thanks Twitter).

If old media has taught us anything, it’s that it takes most industries at least a generation to be completely disrupted, especially something as powerful as Big Telco.

But we are definitely on our way there. According to Nielsen data, voice usage has been dropping in every age group except for those past the of age of 54. Text is just easier.

She also mentioned something that I have often said, but not yet written. And that is with regards to the iPhone 4′s alleged poor-reception hassles. People ask me if I have had any problems with it and I tell that I cannot comment, because I genuinely don’t make phone calls. They are COMPLETELY pointless, rude and ridiculous. What’s more they usually end with one of the parties having to email the other. Something they could have done in the first place to avoid this awkward, rude, one-sided encounter.

And if you don’t believe me, click here for reams upon reams of reasons.

PleaseShutUp.com bills itself as the ‘Center Of Phone Etiquette’ (COPE) and features categories including Unspoken Rules, Hidden Videos, Shut Someone Up and Report An Incident.

Fabulous.

Then, when you’re done with that, be sure to check out 2oceansvibe’s past articles in our Phone Calls section.

[thanks andrew]

ps. Do you REALLY still not get it? People are making websites about it – come on – seriously – think about it.

The design and development of this new 2oceansvibe website took around 5 months. It could have been quicker, but we wanted it to be perfect – the result of which has received much praise. Thanks for that

Back to the design and development process – just this week I had lunch with the designer, Peter Lumb from One Hundred Percent. It was only then that we realised that we hadn’t seen each other for quite some time. Since before the new website development began! But then we took it one step further and it dawned upon us that between Peter, myself and the genuis Perel brothers development team at Obox, not ONE phone call had been made.

Now surely if we can accomplish this, we can manage the diarising of a lunch or the login details of a website or a pre-interview brief? Especially since 99% of all these persistant calls result in one of the parties having to email the other? Why not start with that.

We did.

And look what happened – we made it to the other side, with no unnecessarily rude interruptions. No-one chose to ring a bell in the other person’s life. Like a dog.

It’s 2010, people – grow up.

*ps. some people seem confused as to what my motive is regarding this whole concept. I’ll tell you right now – it’s nothing more than a deep desire to help YOU. I just want to liberate as many people as possible – because if you get this right then you too can ‘live the holiday.’ Why do you think I gave you www.getusitunesaccount.com? I just want you to have the best time possible.

x

Enter Dilbert, stage left.

Dilbert

Scott Adams writes about things that we all know full well, but the idiots choose to ignore. For example:

While voice calling is getting worse, texting is becoming easier. More smartphones have full keyboards. And texting isn’t the huge inconvenience that phone calls are. I explained in another post that all phone calls have a victim, i.e. the person receiving the call. You’re ALWAYS in the middle of doing something else when someone calls to yack. The worst offenders are the people in cars who don’t have satellite radio, or books on tape, and they’re just calling to make their drive less boring.

Texting is way better. It can fill in all of the tiny spaces in life while you’re waiting for something else to happen and a voice call would be too large for the space. When I get a text alert, it always makes me happy, even before I read the message. When my phone rings, I think, Uh-oh, what fresh hell is this?

But that is only the beginning.

CLICK HERE for his 19 reasons why wireless (cellphone) voice calls are obsolete.

Thing is this, whatever you name that meeting, will show up in the other person’s calendar. So if your name is Randall, and I send you an invite for a meeting and I call it “Meeting with Randall Abrahams,” then it will show up in his calendar as “Meeting with Randall Abrahams.” As you can imagine, that is not very useful – he is well aware that he will be there.

What one should do is take the other person and their diary into account and call the appointment, “Randall and Seth meeting.”

Then, when the other person glances at their calendar, they will know who the other person is in the meeting, besides themselves!

See how much more useful that would be for the other person?

Onwards and upwards!

Mainly ‘cos we’re awesome.

New Standard Operating Procedures released today – please learn

BRAAI RULES

We are about to enter the BRAAI season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BRAAI the following chain of events are put into motion:

Your basic braai

ROUTINE

(1) The woman buys the food.

(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables and makes desert.

(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill – beer in hand.

(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.

(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. he thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat.

(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ‘ her night off ‘, and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women.

Seems a bit unfair, no?

Naaah!!

[thanks dave]

“The Holiday” really is all there waiting for you – it’s only you holding it back. And your friends – but you need to show this to them.

Look, I say this is the final say, but you know it’s not really. I”m not going to stop until society (or at least the people in my world) gets this at least semi-right.

YESTERDAY’S UNANNOUNCED VISITS ARE TODAY’S UNEXPECTED PHONE CALLS

I was given a guided tour of the 24.com offices a couple weeks ago and was eventually led into a massive triple volume room, probably half the size of a rugby field, occupied by all of their staff. You could look down into the middle, which held a massive open-plan area with desks and staff at the bottom. Then, on each level above that (also looking down onto the aforementioned open plan area) were more desks and workers – with each section comprising of a different division (Food24, Health24 etc.).

My friend Bruce walked the one way and I walked around the other. Then, about mid-way across to the other side, something quite mind-blowing suddenly occurred to me. I looked up at Bruce who was now on the opposite side.

“Bruce,” I said, using a very natural conversational tone and volume.

He looked up from where he was and said, “Yup?”

“How amazing is that?” I asked him.

Then is suddenly dawned to him, “Oh.My.God!” he whispered..

From across a room of hundreds of people below and all around us, we could hear each other perfectly! Before that point we had not realized that there were no phones ringing and no people talking in the entire room – a room full of media people and journalists!

Or, more to the point, we hadn’t quite pin-pointed the rare feeling of serenity and calm we were experiencing. In a work environment, no less!

WHAT is the first thing people mention when they talk about a holiday? When they talk about that trip overseas or that trip to the islands or a beach resort.. They talk about turning their phones off, don’t they?

“I can’t wait to get out of town, turn off the phone and just sit back and relax!” is the usual pre-holiday anthem. The phone is the number one vibe-killer of our time and it’s incredible that people haven’t found a way to reduce its use in their everyday life. This is a combination of both social pressures and habit.

I have a mantra which goes, “Work is a sideline, Live the holiday” which I have lived-by for a number of years now. The motto itself can be interpreted in many ways. You can take it at face value and aspire to lounging on the beach all day or, like me, you could interpret it as being able to work but not realize that you are working. You might deem what I do as “work,” but to me I’m just doing what I genuinely feel like doing. A ‘hobby,” if you will. “Hobby” by definition is “An activity or interest pursued outside one’s regular occupation and engaged in primarily for pleasure.”

By that very definition I most certainly am living the holiday. And, seeing as I am on holiday, should I not be subscribing to the prerequisite? Bloody right I should! No phone calls, thank you very much! A few years ago I turned my back on private numbers and unknown calls, and today I pretty much shun all unexpected or unplanned calls – a trend I see being followed more and more by people around me. But we’ll get back to that in a second.

WHEN I was a kid we had a phone at home and if there was no-one at home to take a message, you simply wouldn’t know that someone had tried to call you. Answering machines came out later which fixed that dilemma but, before that, you could very often miss a friend and vice-versa, for days! It was because of this that it was not completely out of the ordinary for someone to arrive at your front door, unannounced. Do YOU remember the days when people used to visit unannounced?

But then technology improved and answering machines were installed in homes around the country. The need for unannounced visits was reduced and, over time, it became rude to show up at people’s houses uninvited. Technology had improved our lives by allowing us to escape, without the fear of random people arriving out-of-the-blue. Yesterday’s unannounced visits are today’s unexpected phone calls.

What people seemed to have missed when it comes to technology is that, although the various advancements have made us more accessible, they have also virtually completely eliminated our privacy. And, what’s more, we seem compelled to conform to those social “norms” which dictate that we answer our phones. And that’s why I’m telling you right now – fuck that.

Text messages and email are now on nearly every cellphone and, instead of replacing most phone calls with this new technology, people are misinterpreting it as an optional “if-you-feel-like-it” extra.

At a very basic level of this ideal, and a great way to illustrate where we are heading, is an example I give about phone number requests. If you are looking for someone’s phone number and you know that I have it, you have absolutely no right to phone me for it. A phone number request should only be done via text message. Why should you have the right to interrupt whatever it is I am doing and rope me into a bit of preamble bullshit banter – all just to get a phone number? Fuck you. Requests for phone numbers now come in the form of a SMS. Fact. Try and get that right amongst your friends and you will immediately feel a slight sense of being on holiday – certainly more on holiday than you felt before. And I’m only getting started!

In this modern day of emails and digital media, a massive portion of our conversations are either referencing things online, or requests which require the one party to follow up – virtually always in the form of email and online. You need a document signed? Sure, I’ll scan it and email it to you. You want to buy that book I told you about? Here is the link to the online store to buy it from. You want to see the photographs from our overseas trip? Here is an email with the photo gallery. You want to discuss those figures for that deal we were discussing? I’ve attached the spreadsheet to this email. You want a favour from me? Cool, email all of that to me and I will look over it when I find a moment.

All of that said, 90% of MY phone calls used to end with an email request. Why then don’t we start with en email and avoid having to put everyone’s day on pause, just to discuss what we are going to email anyway? That’s what I’ve done and I now get a maximum of two phone calls a day, which are either expected, or planned.

Let’s chat again about “private” numbers and “unknown” numbers on the cellphone. There is a growing number of people out there who refuse to answer unknown numbers – you might be one of them. This is the first step towards freeing yourself and understanding how easy it is for you to live the holiday. People don’t answer unknown numbers because of the fear of the unknown. For me, it’s a no-brainer. Why for the love of God would I risk answering a call that could be from anybody? That’s pretty much as close as you can get to modern day Russian Roulette! It could be an annoying sales pitch from the bank, it could be an old friend who isn’t really a friend and has arrived in town. It could be someone annoying who should be emailing you etc etc.

Why risk all of that?

People are starting to ignore private numbers because they want less stress and they yearn for the holiday. But then what happens? They (the secretive people on the other end of private number calls) leave a voicemail, which becomes number 37 in the queue on your cellphone voicemail and you have to go through the rest of the messages just to get to that one. How rude! Especially if it is something they could have SMS’d!

Bugger that. I changed my voicemail which now states, “Sorry I couldn’t take your call, either I don’t know your number or I’m busy doing my own thing. You can leave a message if you want but I probably won’t get it. But if you REALLY want to get in touch, send a text message or email me at editor@2oceansvibe.com.”

See what happened there? They were given a set of rules. You will be amazed how a simple voicemail alteration will change your life. I don’t even have a ring on my phone anymore. My friends and colleagues email and text me, and any calls that come through go straight to voicemail and the caller ends up texting or emailing me.

Not that friends and colleagues can’t phone me – it’s just that there is a time and place for that. And it’s not about being a bad person – I will and I do extend them the exact same courtesy when I need to get hold of them. If I must chat then I will SMS first, requesting a time that suits them for a chat – invariably it is a little later as they are busy doing something at the moment. I’m sure they would answer if I called, but, given the option, people generally prefer to finish whatever it is they are doing at the time! Try it – you’ll see..

24.com’s offices are clearly where everything is heading – it’s their job to embrace exactly that. Unfortunately the rest of us are still trying to kick old habits and don’t realise that the feeling of being on holiday is more accessible than you think. When cellphones first came out it was cool to have one and cool to spend your time yacking on the thing. Not anymore, my friends – it is now, officially, uncool.

I received a call as I was writing this article. It was a cellphone number that I didn’t recognize. I ignored it and carried on writing. Then I took a break from writing (when it suited me) to make a sandwich. I glanced at my iPhone and noticed that the person had gone to voicemail, heard the instructions, and left a text message. I read the message which was from a friend of a friend – asking something about buying a new iPhone. I wrote back, giving the name and number of a friend who works at Digicape, who should be able to help her.

Then I went back and finished this article.

See how easy that was?

Catch more thought provoking content and on-the-edge writing at That’s How It Is.

Unexpected or unplanned phone calls are slowly but surely becoming the new anti-social smoking. People are starting to realise that the more accessible we have become, the less time we have to ourselves and the more intrusive every phone call becomes. This, naturally, goes against the idea of living the holiday. Surely this was not the plan, when technology became more and more advanced?

A lot of people take it personally when they are asked to email or SMS, rather than calling randomly at time that suits them. Laugh if you will, my thick skinned friends – times are changing and I swear to you that unless you embrace the SMS culture (which is SIMPLY to do with common courtesy) and kick the habit of making unplanned or unexpected phone calls, you will be deemed anti-social in a few years time. It’s EXACTLY the same as people who insist on a meeting, when a couple of emails will suffice.

And you know what? I’m not alone..

Whilst our concerns and suggestions are well documented (here, here and here), similar support for this 2oceansvibe communications ideal, is gaining momentum all over the world.

This, from The Oatmeal (I told you about The Oatmeal before here – awesome website):

They give 9 other valid reasons that I haven’t even touched on, so check them out HERE.

Seriously now, why do you take it so personally? We’re just trying to get on with our lives and concentrate on one thing at a time.

Why would you not prefer me to give you my undivided attention on email? Rather than trying to deal with a bad connection and your whining voice, while I’m trying to park my car and tip a car guard at the same time.

MOST of those phone calls end with the same line anyway, “Cool, could you email that to me or SMS me the details and I’ll follow through.”

Have you noticed that?

[thanks siraj]

Today’s discussion (the comments section is all yours) has to do with phone calls vs SMS – particularly on weekends. A concept which will more than likely be covered in my book.

I don’t like talking on the phone and, believe it or not, neither do a lot of people. Personally, I’m either writing (stories/emails/sms’s, with music on in the background) or eating or hanging with friends or chilling out or attending an event or making love to a beautiful woman. I’m hardly ever doing anything else. Now why would I want to interrupt any of those things by talking on the phone? Doing nothing (chilling) is an actual activity these days. It is one of the joys of living the holiday. If you’re phoning me every time I’m chilling, then I’m not chilling – I’m talking to you.

And if you find out I’m doing “nothing” on the beach or at home, why does this mean that I must welcome a phone call from you? Then I won’t be doing “nothing” anymore. Or maybe I am fine with a chat on the phone – but at least give me the option?

1 – Change your message, Live the holiday

Before I get into that, I want to support this argument by highlighting the fact and congratulating those who have changed their voicemail message on their cellphones to announce that the caller would be better off sending a sms than leaving a message (as per my previous tips for a better life). My one buddy has gone even further, proclaiming, “Hi, sorry I couldn’t answer your call. Please send me an sms and let me know what’s up. But please, don’t leave a voice message because it has been turned off and I won’t get it, thanks.”

He’s probably telling a fib about the voicemail being completely disabled but that’s besides the point – the person at the other end has no option but to sms. Personally, I have a message that encourages people to sms or email. That way I can’t forget to get back to them.

This culture and system suits both the very busy and those who are trying to live the holiday. Whichever one it is, it really is their perogative.

2 – Go on, send a SMS!

So tell me, what is so difficult about sending an sms? A lot of people respond to that question with, “oh it didn’t suit me.” So then why exactly did you assume it suited me?

Unless you have large amounts of money to give me or your house is burning down or you have an urgent answer or message I’m expecting that pertains to something I/we are doing or about to do or you are coming for a pre-planned braai and you’re on the road, lost, looking for urgent directions – what is so hard about typing a few words down? Or if you really cannot put it into written words, how about sending a text asking the question, “Can you chat?”

Why can’t you do that? And please don’t tell me you don’t know how or your phone has a bad sms system. In a very nice way, that has absolutely nothing to do with me. Just as people stopped arriving at each others houses uninvited, following the invention of the telephone, so too should things change with the advent of text messaging.

Convenient, quiet, polite

Even better are the people who call back after I sms a question. If I sms you a question, I clearly can’t talk! There is absolutely no need to switch to guns. Or, more than likely, I am not expecting the answer right now. That is the nature of sms – I have time. I will wait until the reply suits and is convenient for you. If I need the answer fairly swiftly, I trust that you will have the intelligence to gauge this and respond timeously – if possible. If you are quick to get back to me, I’ll probably ensure you get the same treatment from me.

3 – Don’t worry, I’ll leave a message!

Voicemail on cellphones came along before text messages. We were used to voicemail because, before cellphones, we had answering machines at home. Why did people get answer machines at home? I’ll tell you why – because they didn’t have cellphones and they didn’t have text messaging. They checked their answering machines to see who called them while they were out. And then what did they start doing with the answer machines? Exactly – they began screening calls. The randomness became too much for them. Which is exactly why we don’t answer private numbers.

And so cellphones were invented and they came with voicemail. Very handy. But then came text messages, which, instead of being used as a progressive solution, is seen as an alternate exception. Why would you not want to move forward? Society is changing, my friends – deal with it!

Some of you will bore me argue that I don’t have to answer the phone and that you’re more than happy to leave a message. Tell me something, have you ever had a day, or two days in a row where you have had back-to-back appointments / events / functions and, with each voice message that comes in, the buildup in the message box becomes so big that, even if you find time to check them, it will now take too long to deal with?

Haven’t you?

Oh.

Well, know this – others do!

If I’m (for want of a scenario) having lunch with my mother and some strange number phones, or even a number that happens to be in my phone book, I’m not going to answer the phone – I’m with my mother, that’s what I’m doing. Then, if that person leaves a voicemail message, I’m not going to check it right away and will probably forget to do so after the lunch anyway. That message will be number 15 in the message box which I haven’t found a moment to check anyway and to sit down and listen to all of those may well kill me.

But if that person sent me an sms – I could then glance at it and gauge if the person needs a prompt response from me, or if it could wait until after lunch. I could even reply during a toilet break!

Is this starting to make ANY sense to you?

4 – Meetings and Emails

While we’re having this chat, what is it with people who want to tell you about an idea or something and start pushing for a meeting? Especially when it is something that can be perfectly laid out and communicated via email? I can’t do a meeting, but I wouldn’t mind hearing more about your idea. Can you email me all the info, with pics etc?

But then, when I ask you to email me, I get this silence – as though I’m tossing you aside with no hope of follow-through. Let me tell you one thing – there has never been a better hope of follow-through than via email or text. Would you rather I wrote your number down on a napkin and found a paper diary to fumble through and then phone you back with an appointment that doesn’t suit you?

Grow up man – it’s virtually 2010 – we have sms/emails and calenders – let’s work it that way. Let’s email and then, if things warm up and a meeting is necessary, then we can agree on a date and time and synchronise calendars. All without one phone call!

5 – Weekend Phone Calls

Which brings me to weekend phone-calls.. Why, dear Lord, are people still indulging in this bizarre practice? How is it that you are so convinced that this particular moment, which CLEARLY suits you to make a phone call, suits me as well? Who exactly do you think you are calling me or anyone on the weekend? How can you be so sure that I’m not trying to use this time to catch up with The Muse, who I haven’t had a moment with for the last week or two? How can you be so sure that I’m not in the middle of a shopping trip with my mother, or trying to drift away on the beach, or carry bags to my car, or ANYTHING for that matter? Who the fuck do you actually think you are?

And, if you MUST have a loose chat on the weekend, bang out an sms and I’ll reply when I get a moment. It might be right now – or it might be later. It might even be when I’m on the loo – who knows? Point is, it’s the weekend, bru – don’t be rude.

Personally, I feel this rule should apply to the week – not only the weekend. But, to coin a phrase I made up many years ago when living in Italy, “Rome wasn’t built in a day.”

And you know what the beauty of this argument is? The entire premise behind it is to do with general good manners and considerateness. That’s all. No-one is trying to be cool or show off or claim that they are too busy and that is why they want it like this. No-no, that’s because it is what it is – good manners and considerateness. Do you GET that?

6 – Some Basics to Get You Started

“Have you got John’s number?” That’s a SMS, not a phone call.

“Are you going to that thing tonight?” That’s a SMS, not a phone call.

“What is the dress code?” That’s a SMS, not a phone call.

“Can you recommend a restaurant?” That’s a SMS, not a phone call.

“What time are you going?” That’s a SMS, not a phone call.

“Have you seen my sunglasses?” That’s a SMS, not a phone call.

“Is Mark back in Cape Town?” That’s a SMS, not a phone call.

“Are you keen for lunch?” That’s a SMS, not a phone call.

“Please give me a call, I need to pick your brain.” No. without any hint as to what the topic is, I will NOT be calling you back. Too many times have I called someone so they can “pick my brain” and they have abused my politeness and cornered me and annoyed me. Or they require information that I could have gathered BEFORE calling them back. Or, better yet, something that can be sms’d or emailed.

Times have changed – let’s help each other live the holiday.

Well advised, they decided to indulge in the now famed Cape Town Lion’s Head Full Moon hike – a ritual performed by many a visitor and Capetonian alike. Something that I personally had not experienced and something The Muse and I had chatted at length about doing. In particular I was excited to see “the moon rising on the one side, and the sun setting on the other!” We agreed to join.

We had no idea what to expect for our debut Lion’s Head hike, and headed up around 17h45 on the night of the full moon (this was the 9th of April).

The hike is basically a full spiral revolution of Lion’s Head, starting at Signal Hill, taking you up around Kloof Nek, over Camps Bay, past the Paraglider launch point, over and around Clifton, Bantry Bay, Fresnaye and Sea Point (with Robben Island in the distance), over Signal Hill, over the City Bowl (with staggering Table Mountain views) and ending up again just above Kloof Nek.

Paraglider launch point view over Camps Bay

Bantry Bay, Fresnaye and Sea Point
with Robben Island chilling in the background

G Man enjoying Le Table Mountain

A lot of you would have heard about “the chains,” and whether you should “go up the chains” or not. Personally, we did not go up the chains. There was a queue at the chains and I didn’t have the strength nor the time (the sun was about to set) to stare up a German’s backside as he negotiated “the chains.” The chains are for people who INSIST on getting to the very top. But, trust me, there is no need. Skip the chains and keep on going.

Believe me, you don’t need to go any further. Unless you want to join queues of hustling and bustling psychopaths along a pathway the size of my waist with treacherous drops on either side. This is where you end up instead..

Yes, that is the moon rising on the one side
Can you get your hand down now?

And the sun setting on the other side

Don’t be shy to “up” the exposure

The Gang
Proudly poses at the top
(yes, I was taking the pic)

We stayed up there and had a couple glasses of wine, some beers and possibly even a quiet joint. The sun set completely and we headed down the precarious mountain path. Some people had actual headlamps on their heads, but we made do with three or four mini Maglights. Fine!

So there you have it. A wonderful experience from start to finish. Highly recommend for those of you that haven’t been. Trust me, you’ll be fine, it’s not that hectique. And you can definitely substitute it for gym that day!

LIONS HEAD FULL MOON HIKE TIPS AND PREPARATION

CLICK HERE to check when the next full moon is. Go on the day that says “FULL.” Kind of makes sense. Plan to go up on that day.

Then, CLICK HERE to see what time the sun is currently setting .

Plan to meet your crew at the base of the hike 01h15 before the time of the sunset (no registration or anything necessary – just arrive). To get there, you simply hang a right at the top of Kloof Nek (the road you take to get to Signal Hill). Drive up the tarred road about 200 to 300 meters and park. You’ll know you’re in the right place as there will be loads of people with backpacks on. There is also a little wooden hut .

Park your car (I went on a scooter as this is how smart Capetonians travel) and congregate with your crew next to the wooden hut. You’ll notice a dirt path heading up the mountain from that point – next to a metal boom of sorts.

Start heading up a minimum of 50 minutes before the sunset time. We had a sunset time of 18h30 and ensured that we started heading up at the latest 17h45.

Wear some descent sports shoes or takkies and shorts . I went in jeans which is not the end of the world, but I would have preferred shorts.

Take along a torch or a headlamp if you want. But keep in mind that just because you’re up a mountain and your life is at risk, does not mean you ignore the rules of fashion and coolness.

Just kidding. Headlamps are fine and can be bought for one or two hundred bucks from Cape Union Mart at The V&A Waterfront. Torches are more than fine and you should have at least two torches for every three people at the very least. One each would be ideal, but not the end of the world.

Pack a little backpack with some snacks and drinks for when you get to the top. Two drinks per person should be fine. Don’t forget to pack water as well. In terms of weed, I packed a pinner and one drag each was more than fine.

I’d advise you to also take a warm top for when the sun sets and a possible night time nip kicks in.

Clear up your area before you leave. Check in and around rocks where you were sitting and take any litter, even if it isn’t yours.

Walk down slowly and help each other . If you walk through a tricky section and the person behind you doesn’t have a torch, stop and shine the light in front of them until they are through it as well. Even if you don’t know them. It’s just cooler that way.

That’s it! Good luck and enjoy!

Don’t forget the camera!

Oh, and this was the view from The Safe House the next morning between 6am and 7am.

I know – pretty cool hey?

Following on from that article, I have noticed more and more people struggling with private numbers. I’ve found that some people are still unable to ignore them, fuelled with the fear that the call might be important and the person at the other end might not leave a message and the “opportunity” might be missed. This is a possibility – a possibility which can easily be fixed by educating the caller.

You need to EXPLAIN the rules to the callers

The only reason people with private numbers piss you off, is because they keep on phoning and refuse to leave a message. How are they to know that you don’t answer private numbers? Banks and the rest of the annoying ones will keep on calling until you answer – that is what they’re told to do. UNLESS you put some new rules in front of them , which they have no option BUT to follow. Otherwise, I swear to God, it is NEVER going to stop..

It’s not cool to live like that – you’re on holiday, REMEMBER?!

These rules need to be stated in your voicemail. Simple instructions which have been created for every scenario and every caller type. These rules are also very handy for friends who might be terribly offended, should you tell them to their face; but the fact that it is a general voicemail message for everyone, avoids this sensitive issue.

The madness stopped dead in it’s tracks the day I changed my voicemail message to this:

Hi sorry I couldn’t take your call.
Please leave a message after the beep.
If you don’t leave a message I won’t call you back.
If I don’t know your number and you call again, I still won’t answer.
If you do leave a message that does not state the purpose of your call
..or does not make sense, I’m afraid I won’t be phoning you back.
I suggest then that you either send a text message, or email me.
Thanks.
Bye.

You like that? You see what I did there? And did you enjoy that part about “the purpose of your call?” – it’s so awesome. Now, if you run into someone who moans that you didn’t call them back, you can simply tell them that “I need to pick your brain” is NOT stating the purpose of the call. Saved again by your new voicemail message!

Then what you do is you call your service provider (0821082 for Vodacom) and tell them to turn on the “Spinvox” voicemail-to-text function which converts your voicemails into a text message (R49/month). No, I am not bullshitting you – this is a very real thing. Then, any voicemail message that is left on your phone gets converted into a text message (after a couple minutes) and you can READ what the person SAID in the message. It’s pretty incredible and it works. When they read out numbers it comes out in the text written as an actual number so you can just click the number to call them back.

Oh my God, this is a LIVE TEST: My phone is ringing right this second with a number showing – but a number I do not know.

The ringing has stopped and the voicemail is being read to the strange caller.

Standing by.

They’ve left a message.

[2 minutes later] It has been converted into a text message. A detailed message. With a number.

It’s someone I don’t want to speak to. A salesman type person.

I leave it.

Case closed.

Next..

The most recent example was the panel beater (Auto Magic) I stumbled upon via a friend and wrote about (see article about the best Cape Town panel beater here). I put that article up because I was damn pleased with the guy’s service – and I wanted you to know about him. Because he didn’t let me down, I very much doubt he will let you down – especially if you tell them you’re a part of the 2oceansvibe. Through his excellent service and subsequent article on 2oceansvibe, the story is now ranking #1 in Google for the search phrase Cape Town Panel Beater.

Another Google #1
CLICK HERE to see list of other #1′s

Again, this is because 2oceansvibe has gained Google’s trust. More specifically, 2oceansvibe has a 4/10 Google Page Rank. This page rank is a good indicator of how well articles on a particular site will rank in Google. To give you an idea how good this is for a private entity, the Sky News website has a 6/10 page rank. and enjoy this, News24 has a 4/10 page rank – the SAME as 2oceansvibe. That’s News24 – the “TRADITIONAL MEDIA.”

There’s nothing sinister about it. It’s a simple pattern : I’ve gained Google’s trust – I don’t want to abuse that. The brands gain my trust – they don’t want to abuse that. The readers trust me – I cannot let them down and insist that they receive instant recourse, via me if necessary.

Top service and good brands get top results. As they should. It’s nothing more than that. Just good people looking after each other and spreading the love.

Some people call it “The Secret” – I call it “basics”…

If you don’t leave a message and call me again, I still will not answer. FACT .

You can do this as many times as you wish over as many days as you want and the FACTS stated above will remain the same. That is why they are called FACTS .

[By the way, the person currently calling me every second day with the number ending in 5193, and never leaving a message - you might need to get these FACTS into your head. That, or possibly some therapy.]

Try me

If you call with a private number or a number I don’t know and you DO leave a message explaining who you are and what you want, then there is a good chance I will probably call you back, possibly immediately – unless you’re trying to sell me something. FACT.

If you leave a message without mentioning a reason for the call, you are a prick and I probably won’t call you back (eg. Hi Seth, it’s wankface here; my number is 1234567, please call me). FACT. And throwing in the words “I just need to pick your brain” is classified as the same thing. Fuck you, you will not pick my brain, you will leave a message with a clue as to the topic.

All of this can be avoided with a simple text message! Don’t you get it?? It is not my problem that you “don’t know how to sms” or that you “prefer phoning” – times have changed, pal. Just like you don’t arrive unannounced at someone’s home, things have progressed and changed in the way we communicate. SMSing is no longer an ALTERNATIVE, it actually has it’s very own purpose.

I hardly ever phone people without sending a warning sms, simply asking when would be convenient. Nine times out of ten they advise a better time. “Call in 10 minutes, just having my hair cut” is a good example of the replies one gets. Which proves the theory, time and again. Phoning out of the blue is so fucking random. The other person could be carrying shopping bags. They could be in the middle of a long conversation. They could be having lunch with friends. They could be with their mother. They could be writing a serious email. They could be in a bad reception area and are aware that the call would be a nightmare to deal with. They could be sleeping! They could be making love to a 19 year old Polish American! Who the fuck are you to pounce on them out of the blue, without taking into account the fact that they just might not be chilling out on the sofa waiting for your call? It’s just not cool.

For example YOU DO NOT PHONE TO ASK FOR SOMEONE ELSE’S NUMBER – EVER. You sms them for the number and they will sms you back. FACT. It doesn’t matter if you are in a hurry. If I don’t sms it back immediately, I am obviously unable to do it at that particular time. Who exactly do you think you are?

I had a mate call me to ask for someone’s number. I kept cool, found the number and started reading it out to him. He stopped me mid way and said, “umm, can you rather sms that to me.”

Jesus Christ bru, do you want me to make the call for you as well?

If your phone rings, turn the sound off FIRST, THEN see who is calling. My head comes very close to explosion when people look at the screen and start mumbling, “Ooh, I wonder what he wants,” as they ponder answering or not (all the time the phone is ringing its head off!). And then someone suggests they turn the sound off and they give it the big, “I was ABOUT TO, but I wanted to see who it was!”

Huh! Sorry, that sentence doesn’t make sense. Please leave.

Phone rings – sound off – then look.

Also, you NEVER phone on a Sunday. Ever. In fact any time on the weekend is a bit silly.

Wake up people. Learn these rules – you’ll be surprised how many people agree with them.

This, found on the menu at Pirates in Hout Bay.

2oceansvibe and Cape Town as a whole, applaud Pirates

I must say, my hat goes off to these guys.

Hahahahaha!

Get it?

HAT

GOES

OFF

Whaaaah!

Sorry.

[thanks liz]

FACT.

I trust your fellow office workers, colleagues and clients understand the Cape Town January Rule? You know, the (no longer) unwritten rule that insists that no-one does or requests anything requiring more than 2/10 effort, for the month of January. FEBRUARY is when the year ACTUALLY starts. Everyone knows that and, if they don’t, send them here so that they can read it in black and white.

And we’ll end off that little message with this photo taken yesterday, as the Atlantic Ocean indulged in another cheeky game of “lake-lake.” Very naughty!

I thought I would give my Caprice tab a rest, as we toasted The Kitesurfer’s birthday at Baraza – the birthplace of Goldfish.

This is what we in the industry refer to as “very kak.”

A game of “lake-lake”

I trust you enjoyed how I managed to capture an actual pigeon in mid-flight. Everyone knows that it is practically impossible to do so, ESPECIALLY on a down-flap.

But… you know how I roll.

]]> http://www.2oceansvibe.com/2009/01/07/the-atlantic-seaboard-plays-a-game-of-lake-lake/feed/ 0 http://www.2oceansvibe.com/2008/09/09/caprice-handicap-zone-makes-sunday-papers/ http://www.2oceansvibe.com/2008/09/09/caprice-handicap-zone-makes-sunday-papers/#comments Tue, 09 Sep 2008 11:40:00 +0000 Seth Rotherham http://www.2oceansvibe.com/2008/09/09/caprice-handicap-zone-makes-sunday-papers/ Read more...

Sigh. …Shame….

Above waist height – an absolute NO-NO in front of Caprice

Now, it doesn’t take a genius to work out that a 4X4 vehicle can very easily get in the way. Those familiar with the Caprice layout (in Camps Bay, Cape Town – with respect to our readers from Pluto) will agree that there is a very clear line of sight when in and outside of Caprice. Regulars will be aware that there is a handicap parking zone directly outside the entrance with a legal parking spot just next to it – stretching to the corner of the curb. Whilst some people do make the error of parking in the handicap zone (we can do nothing about these people – they come from another breeding pool), there are others who believe that the other (legal) parking place (directly in front of Cappers) is fine. Let me take this opportunity to inform you that IT IS NOT, just, FINE. How can you POSSIBLY not realise that your mammoth, long-wheel-base-man-car might be ruining MANY people’s afternoons/evenings? Were you HONESTLY unaware? Are you kidding? How is that possible? I drive a fairly decent semi-sporty two door car and I can confidently declare that I have never parked in that particular spot !!!! In a two door – Let alone a moon vehicle!

To clear everything up (before I COMPLETELY lose my mind), whilst I may come across as materialistic and pretentious, it is an unspoken rule that this spot is only to be used by Ferrari’s and Lamborghini’s. These two brands of car, whilst hot and slick and pretty, just HAPPEN to be of average waist height – thus conducive to sunsets and views at Caprice – something which MR FOUR BY FUCKING FOUR SEEMED TO HAVE NEGLECTED TO REALISE. (That’s right, investing in a Ferrari gets you the coke-whore AND the cool parking spot – everyone’s a winner!)

So before everybody thinks it is COOL to park in front of Caprice…..it is NOT COOL AT ALL. But it is FINE in a Ferrari or a Lamborghini – PURELY BECAUSE OF THE VIEW. – Don’t get confused… and don’t be an idiot.
GOSH!

You IDIOT !!!!!

“Awesome car!” the patron commented to the leader of the group.

“Hey thanks man!” gave the illegally parked driver.

“Oh, one more thing… which one of you are handicapped?”

It was too emboerrissing for words, with a number of muffled guffaws from other tables – a result of the alarming levels of sophistication currently on display. Proof that money can’t buy class.

Whilst I certainly might be a candidate to buy a Lamborghini at some stage of the game, I will probably take care of where I park. People look at Lamborghinis ALL the time, whether they are driving passed or parking. Thus making it the most unsubtle car to illegally park in a handicapped zone. Especially at the entrance of a landmark restaurant in the absolute hotspot of one of the planet’s most desired cities.

The handicapped zone
A test of ignorance

The driver was warned by a Caprice staff member and he confirmed that he wouldn’t be staying long.

Shame, not two minutes later a lawman arrived, as our boy proceeded to argue the case in front of everyone and had to standby as the cop wrote out a ticket and ordered him to remove the car. It was like a scripted life lesson video – the kind you’d show to a group of kids as an example of karma and how to behave, socially.

* sigh*

And let me tell you this as well, secret person, you can ring back as many times as you want and I swear to God nothing is going to change. If you INSIST on using a hidden number then the only form of communication will have to, and can only be in the form of a message. You can choose not to leave a message as many times as you fucking want and you know what? Nothings going to change, Freak Show.

The Maasai people are not scared of
taking calls from Private Numbers

I was chatting to The Lawyer about this and she confessed that she is prone to taking even more extreme measures. She turns on them like an Alsation and presses the red phone instead of the green phone – killing the call – not even letting them get to the voicemail message. She fucking punishes them. Ring-ring… RED PHONE…BANG!…FUCK YOU! Callers are left with the dull pain one feels when a ringing phone sound turns into a busy signal – knowingly dealt by the would-be answerer..

..and then they call again.

“RING-RING”

[RED BUTTON] – BANG! FUCK YOU!

“RING-RI..”

[RED BUTTON] – WHAMMO! FUCK OFF!

“RING”

[RED BUTTON] – BAH! DIE!

“R”

[RED BUTTON] – BANG! And punished!

It’s not to do with being a tit, it’s merely the insane risk of taking a call that just doesn’t fit the current situation. I mean…Jesus…..are you fucking high?

Friends can call and their names will come up and the call could still be ignored. It’s nothing nasty – clearly you’re busy. The beauty of this is they don’t even have to leave a message. They know that the situation wasn’t ideal and they know you’ll probably call them back. And if you don’t, it means you forgot and that they should try again later. There’s no malice involved. So that’s all pretty easy to deal with and understand. But an unknown number could very easily be some cock from FNB telling you that you have been pre-approved for a…. FUCK OFF! Cock!

I can hear some of you whining that your company’s switchboard shows up as a private number and there is nothing you can do about it. Ok. Good. We’ve already covered that. Leave a message.

Ok, so are we clear?

Good.

That’s all I really wanted to say right now.

Good luck with that Private Number of yours. I wish you two all the best.

“I called yesterday but you didn’t answer”

“Did you leave a message”

“No”

“Good”

Absolutely bizarre! Who ARE these people?

Can’t you see everything work related ceases to exist after one on a Friday? Can’t you see that even the “working” Capetonians drink beers at their desks from one on a Friday?

Here is an idea of things to do on a Friday. Have a look at these pics taken last week when the ocean forgot how to make waves for five days.
(With apologies to the ex-pats)

Back to the story. I’m talking about those guys who like to pretend. You know the ones I’m talking about. Those ‘meeting hunters’ who feel that nothing can be accomplished without a physical hour together. They duck and dive and cheat and lie to trick you into having a meeting. But that’s not the end of it – they’ve got your hand and they’re not stopping till they rip the whole fucking arm off.

“Hey Seth! I was thinking we should have that meeting we chatted about towards the end of the week. How does that sound?”.

[I'm already quite edgy at the mention of the words "towards the end of the week". To be QUITE honest, I personally can't find a more comfortable time than 10h30 on a Tuesday for a 40 minute meeting]

“Umm, ja…..cool….I suppose. When were you thinking?”, I stutter.

[I use a tone of voice that, I hope ,indicates how HORRIFICALLY awkward I am feeling. My tone of voice could probably be compared to that of a 10 year old boy boy reluctantly agreeing with a priest that playing with his penis is a good idea]

“Well, I was thinking three o’ clock on Friday”

[Sweet Mary, Mother of God. Is this guy on crack?]

“I beg your pardon”, I allow him to rethink.

Our boy is clueless, “I said three on Friday is looking good for me”, he repeats.

WELL ITS NOT LOOKING GOOD FOR ME, FUCK NUT!

And so we are forced to lie about a conference that is going on “the whole of Friday”. Shame on you for making me lie!

I don’t know who these people are and I don’t know what they’re trying to prove, but no-one is impressed. Maybe they’re new in town and they haven’t heard about the rule. Maybe they’re from Jo’burg and they’re trying to show us how HARD and LATE they work. Well I am VERY impressed! You guys work VERY hard, now get me a gin and tonic with a twist of lime.

If you MUST have a meeting on a Friday, the only one you can do is the one at 10h30 at Caprice. That’s the one that goes on until the sun sets. Chat about business for ten minutes, then relax-ay-vu. In fact, I think that is what I”m supposed to be doing with James Stewart tomorrow. We’re collaborating on a new album.

Are we on, Jammo?