2oceans Vibe

The other morning’s festivities, which included The Muse getting her car clamped at my current residence, The Cape Grace Hotel in Cape Town; resulted in a great response from the 2oceansvibe community. Including this BEAUTIFUL photograph, taken by the equally beautiful Nicole B.

Absolutely fine

Now that’s the kind of sign The Muse would have liked to have had in front of her car when I began my line of questioning on Monday. A line of questioning which resulted in her confirming that the sign directly in front of her parked (and clamped) car read “WHEEL CLAMP ZONE.”

Whilst one may deem it a tad rude, one should also remember that it does still fall into a category which we call, “quality humour.”

Clever

[thanks charl]

Pray First.

Ok, and then what?

[thanks lotte]

We mentioned on Wednesday that it would be 35 degrees on Thursday (yesterday).

It was.

It started with lunch at Caprice, and then it moved onto the beach. And then it came back again.

It was a whirlwind. Like a whirlwind romance, but with no romance – just booze and bodies and extravagance and extreme heat and zero wind.

I’m still not entirely convinced that it all really happened in one day.

I made up a saying that goes, “a picture says a thousand words,” and that’s what is going to happen for the rest of this post.

Nice

Fine

Good

Mellow

The ocean plays a game of “lake-lake”

Shame

Man paints picture of girl

Seth takes picture of girl
MUCH clearer
MUCH faster
Seth wins

I hope you enjoyed that. How were those pics of that chick at the beginning? Jesus, the boys weren’t quite sure what was going on when she appeared. And she stood there for 20 minutes – no spice. It was like something out of My StepMother’s An Alien. Honestly, okes were choking on their Mochito’s and stuff. Food was falling off hovering forks.

It was so crazy.

You should have been there.

Jeremy Clarkson is in the dwang, as Labour MP, Chris Mole has called for the BBC to sack the popular Top Gear presenter, following some remarks he made on his show.

Jezza Clarkson – generally doesn’t care a toss

And wait till you find out what he said..

This, from wheels24:

BBC asked to fire Clarkson

A British politician has written to the BBC insisting Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson is sacked for a recent joke he made on the BBC show about prostitutes.

Labour MP Chris Mole called the remark a “dismissible offence”. Five women working as prostitutes were murdered in his Ipswich constituency in 2006.

Clarkson was taking part in a driving task, when he joked about lorry drivers killing sex workers. The BBC has received over 500 complaints about the comments.

Steve Wright, 50, was jailed for life in February after being found guilty of murdering the five women in Suffolk.

Clarkson made the joke while taking part in a lorry-driving task on a recent edition of Top Gear.

“Change gear, change gear, check mirror, murder a prostitute, change gear, change gear, murder. That’s a lot of effort in a day,” he said.

Earlier this week the BBC defended Clarkson and said: “The vast majority of Top Gear viewers have clear expectations of Jeremy Clarkson’s long-established and frequently provocative on-screen persona.

“This particular reference was used to comically exaggerate, and make ridiculous, an unfair urban myth about the world of lorry driving, and was not intended to cause offence.”

Mole said he had written a “strongly-worded” letter to the BBC’s director general Mark Thompson.

“The murders in my constituency in 2006 were horrific and the community has spent a lot of time pulling together to respond constructively to such dreadful events,” Mole wrote.

“For Mr Clarkson to make light of murder in any circumstance must be a dismissible offence.

“To do so with complete disregard for the families of the murdered women should make this a matter on which I would expect you to take immediate action.”

Whaaah! That’s hilarious. God, what a scene they’re causing!

I love the way everyone PRETENDS not to murder, when virtually all of us murder from time to time.

Jesus, what’s the big deal?

You might have read the stories in the press surrounding the crash of Johann Rupert’s Ferrari F50, at the hands of his son, 22 year old Anton Rupert Jnr. We didn’t publish anything here as we didn’t feel their scandalous tone warranted a mention.

What we will publish, however, is Johann Rupert’s response, published on the Franschhoek Motor Museum’s website.

Below is the letter.

Fellow Petrol Heads,

The press has been full of wild speculation about our son Anton, “writing off” the museum’s F50. This is simply not true.

Herewith the facts.
Firstly, we are extremely relieved that nobody sustained any injuries of any kind. This is any parent’s only concern. Secondly, the F50 has NOT been “written-off” as the press have stated.

The garage report states: “The Tub, engine, gearbox, doors, right rear panel, engine cover, rear wing, front left suspension, right rear suspension, headlight clusters rear lights, up rights stub-axels, drive shafts and brake assemblies all appear to be undamaged. The largest extent of the damage is carbon fibre body parts and rear left suspension and front right suspension radiators and oil coolers.

Three rims and all the tyres will have to be replaced.”

The car will therefore be repaired in South Africa.

Clearly, the press reports have been wildly inaccurate – wrongly suggesting some high speed accident. But, I suppose, the facts should never interfere with a “good story.”

As we are all aware, cars that are not driven regularly, suffer irreparable damage. The museum cars are therefore driven often.

I have thus asked a number of people that I trust (including my son) to drive the museum cars. This has been going on for well over a year.

Therefore, if anyone has to be blamed, it is me. But I do not think I chose the drivers incorrectly.

Anton has done an advanced driving course and has been my co-driver in two Mille Miglia’s. This race, as we all know, entails driving fast cars that are at least fifty years old. These vehicles therefore have no disc brakes, traction control or ABS and are notoriously hard to handle. He drove brilliantly, during very difficult conditions, as anyone who has competed in this 1,000 mile race can confirm.

My wife and I are very proud of our three children. Despite growing up under an inevitable spotlight, they have all coped very well. They are not spoilt brats.

Anton normally drives an eight year old, second-hand Toyota.

Regards,
Johann Rupert.

PS: I did far worse things at Anton’s age, often involving an Alfa Romeo Gulia Super. I am afraid that it is probably in the genes. Finally, even my good friend, Sarel van der Merwe, badly pranged his dad’s Porsche whilst still at school.

Nice.

[thanks jammo]

This is the new Maserati and it has a stunning two digit CA numberplate. For those of you who don’t know, short CA numberplates are INFINITELY cooler than ANY WP numberplate – a single digit WP numberplate PALES in comparison to even a double digit CA numberplate. Do not be confused. I would FAR rather drive around in a double digit CA plate, than a single digit WP plate. God, to be so oblivious… one can only cringe..

Here is a good car, sent in recently by 2oceansvibe reader, Lozza C:

Nice.
Real nice.

Now here is an example of a bad car. This was previously featured on 2oceansvibe, as well as the concept of “my bad,” a phrase which we banned ages ago.

Yes, you’re quite right – that is your bad.

With a maximum of 7 letters on personalised plates, one should probably investigate getting MY AWFUL.

Or maybe just HORIFIC.

Do not be led down the garden path, my friends. The Maserati guy knows what he is doing. And so do I.

[thanks warren]

Capetonians’ favourite pastime of driving absolutely motherless will come under strain this weekend as word is getting out about this weekend’s road block “blits” that will be hitting a blurry road near you. Apparently this season’s road block activity will be the most hard-core ever performed.

Ever.

In the Milky Way.

This is not real.
It is, what we call, “staged”

Now, although the local plod won’t be using Lamborghini’s, like the Italian Police, I can happily tell you that you would be an absolute fucking idiot if you drove pissed this weekend.

Be smart, sign up with Good Fellas (I did) or use Rikki Taxi’s (they’re cheap and clean).

You DO know about Good Fellas, don’t you?

Oh for God’s sake, WAKE UP!

[thanks pete]

ps. did you see the Ferrari that split itself in two? That’s not what you’re looking for.

While our local flying squad rate themselves in their GTi’s and Beemers, and our police chief, Jackie Selebi, cruises around in a Hummer , I think the Italian Police have taken the cake.

They have just taken delivery of a brand new Lamborghini Gallardo LP560-4.

No Spice!

Imagine this puppy in your rearview mirror

Autoblog.com reports:

“Somehow the Lamborghini techs have managed to integrate all the gear that modern police officers regularly use into their diminutive supercar. The car is equipped with a video recording system so officers can record evidence and provide entertainment for the boys in blue back at the station by transmitting it wirelessly in real time. The usual array of gun racks and radio equipment is also supplemented by a cooler in the front compartment that can be used to transport separated body parts to the local emergency room.”

Pull over!

That is so sick!

CAN YOU IMAGINE IF OUR LOCAL COPS GOT THEIR HANDS ON THIS THING? IT WOULD BE FUCKED BY THE END OF THE FIRST DAY. FUCKED I TELL YOU!

Read Lamborghini’s full press release about this very spicy donation here .

And then, CHECK OUT THE VIDEO of the car in action HERE.

Peter G sent this in, with the following message:

Seth

Thought you might enjoy this. For all your Home Loan, Photographic and Table Tennis requirements.

Cheers,

Peter G

Beautiful.

In these hectique economical times, diversification is the answer!

Nash of BangerAndNash fame sent this in, with the subject “Seth… is that you?”

SETH WP – not mine

Umm, no. Whilst I am flattered that you thought of me, I can confidently tell you that that is not my vehicle, nor is it my number plate.

But while we’re here, I would urge readers to pop over to Nash’s website and check it out. He has a recent amusing article regarding the opening of the new Vida e at Constantia Village – rife with cougars, I am told. I ran into Mandy G the other day at Constantia Village and there is definitely an excited mood regarding the arrival of everyone’s favourite brew.

Almost as exciting as the new batch of angels that have started working at Caprice.

My God.

It is quite fitting that this picture of Cape Town mayor, Helen Zille’s car, is sent in on the day it gets announced that she has been voted the number one mayor in ON EARTH.

CA 1, reserved for the mayor, on a Toyota Prius
Helen Zille seems to be rolling with a hybrid.
As should be expected from the best mayor in the world.

Guy H sent this in and, naturally, referred to CA 3, which was mentioned in another recent article I wrote about CA 4.

It’s all coming together..

As seen on the Inside Seth section of this site, my parents have continued scanning and emailing pics of me as a child. Hopefully you’ll be able to work out how it all turned into 2oceansvibe.

A penchant for fine automobiles began at an early age.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, and it should be mentioned that I attended SACS from sub A to Standard 5. This will explain how I’m able to blend into a soiree in Bishopscourt on one evening, and a Tupac tribute block party in Obs the next.

It’s glam meets street.

I call it “gleet.”

I spotted this motor vehicle on the way to Rocking The Daisies.

Initially I got very excited, as I thought that perhaps the Bee Gees were playing a surprise set at the festival.

Oh my God! That’s not BARRY, is it?

I peered into the driver’s window as we overtook the car.

Alas, it wasn’t Barry after all..

That reminds me – I MUST pull out Guilty and give it a whirl again (enjoy Barry’s whimper in the background at the 01:51 mark, simply letting you know that he is in attendance and will be featuring quite shortly. A close second to the excitement found at the 03:30 mark).

God, Barbs was simply too stunning for words in that duet.

Strength in numbers..

SAVE OUR JOBS!!
SAVE OUR JOBS!!

Yes, I thought you might enjoy that. It’s obviously not a real pic of the employees blockading the offices. It’s just a joke. If it was real you’d see them flying their learjets into the Lehman buildings, a la Osama.

It is interesting to note that there is absolutely no change to their corporate website, which still proclaims:

Lehman Brothers, an innovator in global finance, serves the financial needs of corporations, governments and municipalities, institutional clients, and high net worth individuals worldwide. Founded in 1850, Lehman Brothers maintains leadership positions in equity and fixed income sales, trading and research, investment banking, private investment management, asset management and private equity. The Firm is headquartered in New York, with regional headquarters in London and Tokyo, and operates in a network of offices around the world.

Nice. All true, except for the use of the present tense, rather than the past.

Check out their accolades and more at lehman.com

[thanks dad]

Cokey Falkow was not driving.

You simply MUST read over Jeremy Clarkson’s Wikipedia page. He certainly has had a colourful life – before, and during his Top Geardays.

Clarkie

Including:

Born in Doncaster to teacher Shirley Gabrielle Ward and travelling salesman Edward Grenville “Eddie” Clarkson, his parents ran a business selling tea cosies. They put the young Jeremy’s name down in advance for a number of public schools with no idea how they were going to pay the fees, until at the last moment, when he was 13, they made two Paddington Bear stuffed toys for each of their children. These proved so popular that they started selling them through the business with sufficient success to be able to pay the fees for Clarkson to attend Repton School.

He was later expelled for “drinking, smoking and generally making a nuisance of himself.”

Beautiful!

But even more beautiful are these stunning Top Gear quotes sent in by Jason.

“I’m sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch.”

“… the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany “

Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster: “It couldn’t pull a greased stick out of a pig’s bottom”

On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: “there is a word to describe this car: it begins with ‘s’ and ends with ‘t’ and it isn’t soot

“The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite”

“The air conditioning in a Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.”

“Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what… BEING STABBED?”

“This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that’s much to shout about. That’s like saying ‘Ooh good I’ve got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.’”

“I don’t understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?”

Clarkson’s highway code on cyclists: “Trespassers in the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong.”

“Britain’s nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe…probably because they don’t have wheel-chair access.”

On Mandela’s claim that Cuba is a good advert for democracy: “Well Mr Mandela why don’t you go and ask one of the 12 year old Cuban prostitutes which way her parents voted?”

“Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don’t feature enough affordable cars on the show……so we’ll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!”

On the Lotus Elise: “This car is more fun than the entire French air force crashing into a firework factory.”

“Sure it’s quiet, for a diesel. But that’s like being well-behaved… for a murderer.”

“I don’t often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animal’s duty to be on my plate at supper time.”

“There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching… on their face.”

“Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under her tweed pants. I do, and it helps.”

“You cannot have this car with a diesel. Its like saying, I won’t go to Stringfellows tonight, I’ll get my mum to give me a lapdance, she’s a woman!”

“Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sportscar… in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President.”

On the Porsche Cayenne: “Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis.”

Aaah, that was nice.

Thanks.

As a regular reader, Neil Q knew the importance of sending in this photo of CA 4.

 

CA 4, comes just after CA 3

 

Howzit Seth

Saw this in the parking lot at work.

Too Slow.

Neil Q

 

Nice. Not bad at all.

But I do see your point.

You’re being naughty and probably highlighting the CA 3 story.

Sunday breakfast at Caprice presented us with a front page article with full-size pic, featuring the handicap parking zone in front of the Camps Bay eatery of choice.

It seems ANC national executive, Tony Yengeni, had been caught brazenly parking in the handicap zone; whilst unashamedly dining not 10 metres away.

Why punish yourself?

The same article was also published online. Iol reports:

With a fortnight before his parole ends, convicted fraudster Tony Yengeni was spotted at a trendy Camps Bay cafe with a glass of sparkling wine in front of him and his car in a disabled bay nearby.

Witnesses told Weekend Argus he refused to move the black BMW M5 – which has a new list price of almost R1-million – when it was pointed out that it was parked illegally.

Instead he went on to enjoy his Friday sundowners at Cafe Caprice with another man and a pretty young woman, and his car just metres from his table.

[more here]

You might remember the subject was originally raised right here at 2oceansvibe, in the article about the guy parking the Lamborghini in that very same spot (also featured within the Cape Town Rules section of the site).

So then, it’s official. 2oceansvibe is exactly 4 months ahead of mainstream media in Cape Town, when it comes to things people ACTUALLY talk about.

Harders sent in this pic of The Hoff’s Audi R8 with davidhasselhoff.com splashed all over it.

David Hasselhoff’s new K.I.T.T

I love it – on so many levels. Firstly, it wasn’t that long ago that I had an Audi R8 at my disposal. And secondly, you might remember The Hoff sent a message to 2oceansvibe in time for the relaunch party.

But there is another thing I want to show you.

Ian M also wrote in about davidhasselhoff.com and noted the following information on The Hoff’s website:

“This is the official David Hasselhoff Social Network. Let’s socialize!”

“I realized that while two people from two entirely different countries and backgrounds may seem to have nothing in common, the only thing they might have in common is me…”

That was when I returned to my files and found the original recording from when The UK Showbiz Guy got The Hoff into London’s Capital FM’s studio to record a message to 2oceansvibe. Not only is it hysterical, but he says “Baie Dankie” a few times and he also mentions The Hoff’s “social network” over and over again.

CLICK HERE to listen to the raw uncut
Hoff/2oceansvibe Capital FM studio recording.
INCLUDES DAVID HASSELHOFF SAYING “BAIE DANKIE”

Make no mistake, David Hasselhoff is a part of the plan. And I pledge to you right now to bring The Hoff to Cape Town for a party of sorts within the next year.

Ballsy.

But very doable.