2oceans Vibe

That’s if you’re living in the UK.

Indeed, recently-conducted research (which is is of course always reliable; remember the Da Vinci Code?) has indicated that Britons between the age of the thirty and forty are the most unhappy group of people in the whole world.

What’s there to be unhappy about?

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Those of us who have lived, or are currently living in the UK, will have seen scenes like these. On an almost daily basis, I might add. Freaks are not hard to come by in London or any big first world city, for that matter. Jonty Fisher just came back from New York and says he saw a runner on the sidewalk in full running gear – headband, vest, running shoes, socks and… wait for it… an adult diaper. I know – pretty crazy, but standard for a big city. Those things simply have to happen – it’s a bi-product of gross urbanisation.

Back to Peckham, London – as we witness this man/woman COMPLETELY spazzing out on a bus. You need to watch the whole thing – it is OFF THE CHARTS!!!

Do enjoy:

Lots of love from Cape Town to the ex-pats over in London.

x

[thanks worldwarwon]

Wow, and there I was thinking we were confused! With our London taxis on the roads and people singing Ole Ole at the sports stadiums, we certainly are a melting pot of cultures and have become professionals at ‘borrowing’ foreign nation’s ideas, pastimes and even sayings. Not that there is anything wrong with that – it pales in comparison to what the Ozzies are throwing around their supermarkets.

Introducing – Boerewors! A “Uniquely Australian” product, made by the British Sausage Company”

Good grief, Bruce – who are you!?

[thanks pieta]

Our rabid international fan should know that a South African “braai” is our version of a BBQ.

Mainly ‘cos we’re awesome.

New Standard Operating Procedures released today – please learn

BRAAI RULES

We are about to enter the BRAAI season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BRAAI the following chain of events are put into motion:

Your basic braai

ROUTINE

(1) The woman buys the food.

(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables and makes desert.

(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill – beer in hand.

(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.

(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. he thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat.

(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ‘ her night off ‘, and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women.

Seems a bit unfair, no?

Naaah!!

[thanks dave]

The poms seem to be acquiring a taste for SA’s favourite coffee, vida e. Either that, or the ex-pats are drowning themselves in the stuff! Both seem pretty plausible, mind you.

That’s why I’ve arranged for vida e to give YOU a free coffee. That’s right, if you e-mail your UK physical / postal address to issonette@caffe.co.za, you will receive a special “caffe card” allowing you to grab a free coffee from the store. No, look, it’s my pleasure.

You’ll remember when I popped into the first vida e UK store on Regent street back in June 2009 – almost a full year ago! I was the first MVP to enter the store and am sad that I couldn’t do the same this time around!

Alas, you will have to do it for me.. and it looks like you’ll be in comfortable surroundings!

Very cool

Sele – kicking it..

Sele fans will be pleased to hear that he is manning the new store. As one of the very original barristers – he’s been around since the first store opened on Kloof (9 years ago). The best baker in vida e, always the first to arrive in the morning. Meticulous. Loves London & the vibe and was part of the Regent team.

Send him my best and enjoy the caffe!

That’s right, you heard me – the poms will be coming with their OWN vuvuzelas! Just when you thought you had the market cornered with that container of vuvuzelas you plan to sell, Sainsbury’s chain of supermarkets in the UK are cutting you off before the rabble even get here!

God help us all..

Check this out:

Horn to Hit High Note For Football Fans

It’s a sound said to resemble a giant raspberry – and few people in Britain know how to play it – but in 50 days time the Vuvuzela horn is set to be most famous instrument in the world.

No football fan will be without one in any of the World Cup stadiums – it’s the South African equivalent of a whistle or drum.

So popular will the sound become that supermarket Sainsbury’s is shipping over 50,000 of the horns to meet demand in the UK.

Said a Sainsbury’s spokesperson Elisabeth Yates: “The sound of the Vuvuzela is set to become more familiar than the referees whistle. It will certainly become a “must have” item, and already interest from customers is high “

The sound of the Vuvuzella horn – or Vuvu for short – has become common throughout all South African football leagues.

However, the technique to play the one metre long horn can be tricky for beginners to learn.

Air blown through pursed lips – a similar technique to playing the trumpet – is the best method, according to experts, but things can often go wrong.

Said a Sainsbury’s spokesperson Elisabeth Yates: “Beginners can expect to produce sounds which have been likened to an elephant call or an angry swarm of bees en masse.

“Played correctly however, the horn is believed to have powerful abilities to ‘kill off’ the opposing team’s player’s during a match’

The Vuvu horns will cost £2 each and is part of the full range of World Cup essentials, including wigs, flags, inflatable hands and face paints that will hit Sainsbury’s shelves in May.

I wonder if they will have the same smooth tone as ours?

CLICK HERE to listen to the song “Funny Yellow Trumpet” by Vuvu and the Zelas..

[thanks ryan]

England rugby international, Stuart Abbott MBE (2oceansvibe Character, The Inside Centre ) is very knowledgeable in the way of the prawn. Having lived in both Cape Town and London for many years, he can spot them a mile away, especially when it comes to the bad habits they exhibit, without a care in the world for us, the more considerate courteous citizens.

If they’re not carelessly cruising through red traffic lights, in full view of our children, or exposing their testicles (again, in full view of our children), another anti-social display of fuck-you-all-ness, is the annoying habit of leaving their alien-looking helmets on their heads when in a public commercial environment. Look at these fucking idiots.

Prawn freaks spotted in London

Dubbed “prawns,” with reference to the unwelcomed aliens in the movie, District 9, it is a shame that these few pests ruin it for the rest of the cyclists out there who choose to set a good example, by appreciating the other people in their immediate vacinity.

Can’t wait to see what Lance says about all of this..

A movie script of this nature would never get passed as it’s just not that believable. Well, believe it my friend! This has just happened!

Dubai, the global symbol of greed and the embodiment of karma itself has been dealt another blow, this time in the form of a leak – in the Dubai Mall’s aquarium.

The one with all the sharks. Yup, you heard me.

I know – how is it possible that 75cm thick glass, which has been made to hold 10 million litres of water and 400 sharks, can crack?

Don’t be ridiculous!

2oceansviber, Peter V, who works in the same building in Dubai, received this email : “Dubai mall’s aquarium exploded today!! The parking is flooded with water.. If ur car is there take it out asap.. And if ur heading there then DON’T”

Mellow.

Then check this out from ever-so-slightly-sensational The Sun :

A HUGE shark-filled aquarium at the famous Dubai shopping mall is leaking forcing part of the shopping centre to be evacuated, reports say.

A Dubai Mall official announced that the tank’s giant viewing platform, where the glass is 75cm thick, has cracked.

The shark, stingray and fish-filled tank is located on the mall’s ground floor, next to upscale clothing shops and not far from an Olympic-sized ice-skating rink and the only international branch of high-end retailer Bloomingdale’s.

Not a good place to be..

Witness Ranjin, a 27-year-old corporate secretary, said: “I saw a crack in the aquarium glass and there was water coming out and a lot of water on the floor.

“The police came and evacuated the area around the aquarium.”

The tank is one of the largest in the world and features the huge 32.8m wide and 8.3m high viewing panel.

The aquarium — dubbed an “indoor ocean” — contains more than 33,000 living animals, from 85 species — including over 400 sharks and rays, according to Dubai Mall’s website.

It is operated by Emaar Properties and has been visited by more than one million people since it opened seven months ago.

Pretty hectique, I think you will agree?

I’m glad The Sun clarified that it contains 33,000 LIVING animals. I’d be pretty pissed off if I went to aquarium and they had dead animals floating around. Although, granted, it would be a pleasant alternative to the 400 live sharks that might be thrashing around at their feet in a moment.

[thanks pete]

It’s too funny, watching them carry on. Make no mistake, I love the Brits – some of them. Some of them I can’t stand. But for the most part I just like watching them. I like watching a lot of people, truth be told. Obviously watching norms is far more entertaining than watching non-norms. I find norms just more adorable in their ways. You want to hug them and shoot them in the face at the same time. I just love that inner tension I feel when I watch them. It’s the “tension of opposites,” AKA the X-FACTOR!!

Like this, for example. A sign spotted in the UK somewhere. A local pub, embracing the 2010 Football World Cup! Using words like “ja” in the middle of nowhere. ‘cos that’s what it’s like here – everyone just says ja the whole time!

JEBO! JA!!
[source : lauren's friend's facebook profile]

It’s awesome!

Umm, can we chat about spelling Yebo, with a “J?” – excellent!

And by “excellent” I mean “emboerrissing!”

Surely their South African advisory panel (ie. the waiters and/or their friends) should have spotted that one?

Shame.

Bless.

Can someone call the number on that board and ask to speak to “Laura” and ask her how she managed to balls it up.

* Oh, I got my tickets, by the way. That’s right, FIFA confirmed today! I got tickets for the Cape Town game on the 11th of June – France vs. Uruguay. Hating that!

[thanks alex]

Ex-pats in London, you have something to look forward to this weekend, besides gloomy weather, appalling work conditions and the NHS.

GOLDFISH are coming to town!! A shining beacon of hope, you might say?

Lick here to get more info and tickets
(Wow, Dom really is trying to fuck the camera in that pic, hey?)

Hear their beats, feel there now famous sexual energy. See if you can resist it. You won’t.

Check it out:

Following their already sold-out Amsterdam show, Goldfish will be back in London for one night only to perform their cutting edge live show that is fast making them a global phenomenon. With their residency in Pacha Ibiza and other notorious spots their Europe buzz is underway, 2010 is sure to be a monstrous year for this unique live dance act. This is their first visit to Europe this year and a chance catch this unmissable act before they’re back in Ibiza in summer.

£15 in advance, £20 on the door

Advance tickets here: http://etapresentsgoldfishlive.eventbrite.com

Sick.

I’d go, if I was in London.

I’ve got two pairs of tickets if you want? We’ll do the usual vibe, you know the drill. Send a cleavage shot with the words “Goldfish owns my body” HAND WRITTEN across your chest to editor@2oceansvibe.com and you’ll get a pair of tickets.

First two correct entires will win a pair of tickets each.

I WILL ANNOUNCE ON THE 2OCEANSVIBE TWITTER FEED THE COMPETITION IS OVER

IN FACT, I’LL TELL YOU NOW – IT’S OVER.

GET YOUR TICKETS QUICKLY, MY FRIENDS

WORK ON YOUR TAN, WHILE YOU’RE AT IT.