2oceans Vibe

This is why I prefer to shop at Woolworths. Organic mature cheddar (my choice) vs. Parmalat Yumchum Ass.

I’ve never seen a Yumchum, let alone a Yumchum’s ass.

Is it like a Bum Chum?

Some, err, ASS for you, Sir?

Tsk tsk. Naughty.

[thanks zone]

My Mother is quite a serious cook and will cream your mom at any dish. Seriously, ANY dish – she doesn’t fuck around. One of her specialties is Christmas fruit cake. The whole extended family, from Paris to Parys used to put in orders every year and the production line would kick into action. All I remember around this time of year is a crazy mouth-watering smell in the air, with our kitchen resembling a mild fruit fuckshow – with bags of cherries and nuts all over the show.

Nowadays, due to the time and effort put into Mum’s Christmas fruit cakes, combined with the sheer extravagance of it all, only a select few family members qualify. You know, the ones that haven’t stabbed us in the back, stolen our money, or put spells on us. There are one or two, believe it or not.

I asked her if I could publish the recipe for the 2oceansvibe community and she, surprisingly, gave it the go-ahead.

And so, my sweet smelling friends, here it is..

Killer

Mother dearest’s Chrstmas Fruit Cake recipe

750 gms Mixed Fruit
250 gms Cherries
125 gms Dates
125 gms Walnuts
250 gms Butter
1.5 Cups Sugar
1 Cup Water
1.5 tsp Bi-Carb
1/4 tsp Salt

Boil together fruit, dates ,butter, sugar and bi-carb for 15 minutes
Cool then add 2 tots Brandy, 3 well beaten eggs, cherries and walnuts.

Add 3 cups flour, 2 tsp baking powder and 2 tsp mixed spice.
Bake at 150 degrees C for 1 hour then reduce to 120 degrees C for a further 2 hours.

(tsp = teaspoon )

‘I am sure for many years the smell of Christmas cakes baking in our kitchen meant Christmas had to be around the corner.
Love you Mummy
xxx”

Given that it is the best chocolate on planet Earth, the scarcity of Daim Chocolate bars in Cape Town is becoming more and more alarming. Every time I can’t find it in its usual haunts (Giovanni’s, Carlucci’s etc.) I pretend that it must just be a one-off. But then, on the fifth time, I get a little bit jerky. And when the teller tells me they CAN’T GET ANY, well then I just completely freak out.

Daim Chocolate – orgasmic

What is going on?

Does anyone have a secret supply?

Is there a secret shop somewhere?

STOP THE PAIN!!!!

I was a little peckish the other morning so I popped into the Vida e on Kloof Road. I felt like something different and asked Msizi if the Prego Roll was any good. He said I would enjoy it. So off I went.

The Prego Roll – by Vida e
Insane

As worldly and sophisticated as I am, I was apparently oblivious to the fact that prego rolls have garlic in them. OH MY GOD! It was 10 in the morning and I was KLANKING! But you know what? I didn’t care, because it was SO awesome!I hope they’ve got their recipe under lock and key. I can’t describe it – you just need to get one.

You know when you just don’t care that you smell of garlic, because it feels like heaven? That’s what I’m talking about.

People walk into my office and they’re like, “whoooah, it stinks in here!” but they don’t leave. They’re quite happy to stick around for a while. Jason had one yesterday. He loved it. He stank, but he was still the winner.

Get one.

Trust me.

Be sure to check out the new Vida that has just opened at Constantia Village. They’ll have Prego’s there..

I was forwarded this from someone working in a Cape Town (Kloof area) production company. It was sent to everyone in the organisation. Please enjoy it!

[The email did not include this picture. I did that, just to add a bit of a vibe to the story.]

Subject: BAD MOVE

To whoever it was that unceremoniously TOOK MY ORANGE JUICE that was in the fridge,

Next time u jep someone’s juice, think twice.. I have a bad tummy flu and had put my

Medication in my orange juice.. so be prepared to spray the walls!

Side effects of medication not good unless ur really sick with tummy bug.. these include: nausea, convulsions and
My favourite, bleeding from your butt..

So if you feel a bit “crap” later you kno why!

Oooh! Such anger, yet such joy! I love it!

Why was the word “crap” in inverted commas in the last paragraph?

[Hand instinctively covers mouth as penny drops]

Oh, I GET IT!! It has, what we call, a “double meaning!”

VERY good!

[thanks mike]

I was feeling a little peckish the other day. I knew I shouldn’t be having carbs, but I felt noodles could slip through the net without detection. I wasn’t close to Long Street, so Noodlebosch was out of the question. And I didn’t hangover so I couldn’t deal with the dried out nonsense from Knorr, or whoever it is that makes those dried noodles that I drown in Tabasco sauce.

It’s moment like that, that you finally push yourself over the edge, with regards to products you’ve been looking at, out the corner of your eye. You’re like, “Hmmm, interesting. I won’t buy you right now, but I’ll keep an eye out on you.” Then you see the product again and again and again, until you decide, “Ok, you! You little MISCHIEF! Let’s see what you’re all about!“

And that’s what I did with the “Noodle Box” with peanut satay sauce I finally purchased at Woolworths.

Pleasantly surprised, is all I can say. The first part being the fact that the noodles are actually packaged moist, in a vacuum packed bag. Pretty much as fresh as fast-food like this could ever get.

So you take that out of the vacuum-packed bag (I couldn’t say “moist” again), and add the sauce (in another sealed packet of sorts) on top of it. Pop it in the micro and chill out for 2 minutes..

The Woolworths “Noodle Box”
with peanut satay sauce!

2 minutes…

BANG! DONE!

And I tell you what – I’m FINE with it! I only tried the “Noodle Box” with peanut satay sauce and so far I give it the go ahead. Honestly, I ate it WAY too fast. And that’s a good thing.

It’s basically gourmet munchie food.

Elvis would eat it.

A lot.

It’s probably all he would have.

Ever.

I don’t know. People say I’m looking thin and I must say I did have had a recent cardiovascular explosion in the gym, combined with an incredibly admirable dietary regime. But that stopped three weeks ago and I’m still riding the “God, you’re looking awesome” wave. But, truth be known, The Muse has reacted of late with frequent “I miss your six pack” mention.

Is DC (Daddy Cool) letting it slip?

Summer is around the corner. We’ll see, as they say..

But there is certainly still enough time to sort it out. My part-upbringing on a large farm in Africa was where I coined the phrase, “make hay while the sun shines.” And that’s what we should do.

The James Bond ocean swimming scene, with Daniel Craig.
A theme loosely based on Seth Rotherham.

My buddy, Grant, has it all waiting for you at Renaissance Gym in town – the place where rock stars, Ukraine models and local business successes meet. Check it out.

I’d do that if I were you. I mean really, let’s be honest, if you carry on the way you’re going, it might be all over.

That’s what I call “the point of no return.”

Google that.

Give Grant a shout, tell him I sent you..

How hammered are you going to get on Friday night?

Or are you going to be wise and make the most of the glorious weather I’ve arranged for Saturday?

Good luck with keeping satan at bay on Friday night.

The smart kids will remember the joys one can have with good Saturday weather.

27 degrees! Come now! Is your body ready for some beach action? Caught you a bit off guard, didn’t it?

Ja, I think it did.

Throw that sandwich away. Get the Woolies Chicken salad and a Coke Zero for lunch.

That’s better.

Piggy.

An essential part to being a complete human being, is to possess the ability to cook perfect crispy bacon in a frying pan. I’m going to tell you now, just this once, the easiest way to do so.

Crispy bacon – standard stuff in The Safe House

MrBreakfast.com got it spot on:

Choose a pan large enough to accommodate the full length of the bacon strips. The more room you have to work with, the better your chance of success.

Lay the bacon in the pan or on the skillet BEFORE turning on the heat. Do not let slices overlap – not even a little.

Cook on a setting slightly above medium. Too much heat means the bacon will cook too quickly. A cooking time that exceeds five minutes is not only fine, it is preferred.

As the bacon begins to shrink, flip each slice separately with a fork – make sure the slices remain as flat as possible after flipping. At this point, flip each slice at least once every 45 seconds.

Drain off excess fat midway though cooking time — about 2 minutes after the bacon begins to sizzle. Carefully remove pan from heat, hold the bacon down with a wide spatula and tilt pan to drain fat into a container. There’s no need to get rid of all the liquid – just enough so the slices don’t have to swim and fry at the same time.

Well-made griddles allow the fat to drain though the nature of their construction. Forget this step if using one.

Finished bacon will be brown and firm, not necessarily crispy in the pan. With a fork, transfer each finished slice to the plate lined with paper towels. When all the pieces are there, dab the top-side of all slices with the other paper towel.

Turn off the heat. Remove the gloves. Pat yourself on the back. Your crispy bacon is now ready to serve and enjoy.

And there you have it. The key pointers, for me, were focusing on the constant draining of the pan, as well as maintaining medium, rather than full heat.

Miss K in Green Point have got it SPOT ON. You don’t even have to ask for crispy bacon – that’s how they serve it. Because it’s obvious.

My GOD, Saturday was a gorgeous day! I cleverly didn’t over-indulge at Asoka the night before, following the launch of the first Luv Sport TV show. A good night’s sleep and a fresh joint (I went for the pinner – three drags and go) ensured maximum enjoyment of the good weather.

I had breakfast scheduled with G Man at Caprice for the Sunday, so The Muse and I indulged in some brekkie in the sun at Miss K in Green Point. Glorious.

It was just glorious!

Seth keeps it simple. Nothing sexy.

Any breakfast connoisseur will tell you the necessity of crispy bacon, and I am usually at pains to explain to waiters (I refuse to say “waitrons” – it makes me nauseous) its importance. Needless to say, Miss K’s bacon is served perfectly crispy, first time, every time; without even mentioning it.

I must say, it is quite an indulgence for me to dine at Miss K. The goodbye gifts of cheese cake and other naughties are one thing, but the lack of struggle to get an outside table, combined with the blatant flirtations at the hands of gorgeous 40-somethings (Roz and Lola being my highlight) makes it simply impossible to resist!

Naughty

The morning was topped off with the purchase of a newly pressed 25th anniversary double vinyl edition of Michael Jackson’s Thriller, at one of the “thrift” shops next door, forming my personal celebration of The Gloved One’s 50th birthday.

We strolled down to Giovanni’s to buy some deli ham, cheese, avo, sun-dried tomato and some of Knead’s bread. Oh, and I finally bought an espresso cup to compliment the new Bialetti Moka Express I got the other day. You can buy the actual Giovanni’s cups and saucers that Piero serves at the coffee counter.

Be international, in the comfort of your own home.

Bizarrely, with all this movement in-and-out of various public places, the civilians were VERY well behaved. Not once did we encounter silliness or annoyances any sort. Well done, everyone involved!

The envelope was pushed with one more Saturday public treat, in the form of a read-through of the papers at Vida e in Camps Bay. The nice thing at Vida is you have the option of reading school projects (in the form of the leading national papers) OR you can read The Weekender , which they cleverly have on hand at all of their outlets.

A return to The Safe House allowed a full play through of Thriller, followed by a dip into the John Lennon box set.

Jackson relaxes on the recently
repaired original AKAI record player.

Lennon, with Dylan “accidentally” peeping out from behind.
Contrived? You bet.
Necessary? Always!

No phone calls were had, as the Atlantic Ocean and skyline set the scene for the rest of the day as more than one bottle of DeGrendel Rose was opened.

Fine

Wonderful.

Simply wonderful.

I’m quite pleased with myself. I popped into Carlucci’s yesterday to get a Chunky Chicken Salad and I spotted their range of stovetop espresso makers, as I do every time (always two words, it is never “everytime”). I bit my lip as I grabbed the small Bialetti Moka Express one-man unit from the shelf and proceeded to the checkout.

The next stop was Vida e to grab some finely ground Vida e coffee. I was all set to go.

As the yanks say, “ALL SET!”

The Bialetti Moka Express

Isn’t it just too beautiful and classic for words? Apparently 150 million cups of espresso are made using one of these puppies, every day around the world!

EVERY DAY, my boet!

I suggest you get one too.

It didn’t take me long to learn how to use it at The Safe House, thanks to this new product I use, called the “internet,” which has instructions on everything from bombs to coffee makers! Brilliant!

I’ve had three espressos today and they were just incredible. I still have to grab an actual Vida e coffee from an actual Vida e outlet so I’d advise you to stay the fuck out of my way after that as I could very easily be tripping.

I’m incredibly amazed that there are still people out there that are unaware of the availability of these heavenly, ultra luxurious, evil, yet sexual treats. In Cape Town. In GREEN POINT, no less.

You do know about Miss K, right?

You don’t?

[Muffled snigger - Holding fist to tight lipped mouth, eyes wide open, staring at you, embarrassed for you, but wanting to help]

Look at these, you’ll PLUTZ!

Oh my God!

How STUNNING?!

Oh my God, I can’t!

But I must!

Now how delectably beautiful are those treats? For me it’s quite confusing. I want to eat them, but they’re so gorgeous that I usually end up just smearing them all over my face. Mmmm, jaaaa, das goedt!

It’s so difficult when I walk into Miss K because I always seem to get this instinctive compulsion to stage dive the display. I usually go with a friend so they can hold me back.

I doubt you’ll be able to hold back.

Don’t miss their brekkies and lunches either (open every day except Mondays). With the outside seating area, it’s just too cool for words. It’s quickly reaching the coolness levels of Hollywood’s The Ivy.

Trust me, I deal in coolness on a daily basis.

Not to be mistaken for the Funky Chicken which is, in fact, a dance. The Chunky Chicken Salad can be found at Carlucci’s, on Victoria Road, Bantry Bay.

“Oh, ja, just opposite The Ambassador Hotel?”

Yup, that’s the one.

 

The Chunky Chicken Salad – available exclusively at Carlucci’s

 

I tell you what, it’s bloody marvelous to eat. Every time I choose it I always buy something else, thinking it won’t be enough. But it is. It fills you right up! And it’s so good for you. It’s got like all sorts of chopped up crunchy salad thingies. And a special kind of incredibly amazingly amazing mayo. You don’t have to add anything else to it. Nothing!

Maybe Tabasco sauce if you have the same problem I do.

But seriously, get one urgently. Go there today and get one. Eat it and tell me how amazing it was.

Go. Do it.

And anyway, let’s face it, it’ll be a good change from that crap you’ve eating lately.

Well, I had seen this little puppy in a few of the overseas mags I get every month (which include Vanity Fair, US GQ, Conde Nast Portfolio, New York Magazine, Monocle and Wired) and every time I saw the ad I grew more and more aware of how badly I needed to own the Fujitsu ScanSnap S300 – one of the smallest portable scanners on earth.

The Fujitsu ScanSnap S300 – NOW available in South Africa

You can read a review on the scanner here, but let me give you the important shit.

- It’s small enough to carry in a laptop bag, or even your chick’s / your own handbag.

- It can power off your USB port.

- I’ll say that again – it doesn’t have to be plugged into the wall. As long as you have 2 USB ports available on your computer, it will work.

- How cool is that?

- You open it, plug it in and click a button on it that says “SCAN”

The Fujitsu ScanSnap S300 – opened.
(With gratuitous Ray Ban Wayfarers to indicate size)

- Enjoy this, it starts scanning immediately on your computer and saves it, immediately as a PDF.

- It can scan both sides of the page at the same time.

- It can feed through multiple pages (8 pages per minute, if you don’t mind)

- Then it automatically asks if you want to send the PDF as email, or save it in a folder on your hard drive. Or BOTH!

That’s all I have to tell you. The quality is AWESOME.

See for yourself, click here to see a double-sided PDF scan I did of a Carbonara recipe I keep on me at all times (it doesn’t get cooler than keeping a carbonara recipe on you at all times).

Get one now.

CLICK HERE – TecWorx is selling them online.

They’re going for R5,500 but you’ll get 10% off if you contact my guy, Nico at nico@tecworx.co.za or 086 111 2728 or 082 540 8464 and mention 2oceansvibe.

That’s how we roll.