I’ve had like half a joint and two whiskey’s, trying to get into character to write about Mavis. A number of 2oceansvibe readers have come up to me in public (no problem) and commented on how much they luuurve Mavis, so I was trying to remember the angle that I would normally take when writing about her (it’s been a while). But then I realised that there wasn’t anything CLEVER about the Mavis stories – I was simply reporting on what she did. Which is EXACTLY what I’m going to do this time!
Check this out.
So the other day, a Friday to be exact, I get back to the Safe House (probably after saving the day somewhere else) and cracked open my laptop to become one with the internet (the whole of which is stored inside my laptop). The phone rings (probably a world leader) and I start giving solutions to whatever the problem was at the time. With superb peripheral vision, I noticed a hubbub East-South-East to my current heading. I looked to my right and realised that Mavis was approaching, with what seemed like a mini-presentation that she was about to give. Whilst her approach to announcements have, in the past, been absurd at best; I had never imagined this level of pomp and ceremony.
She set up the following items in front of me on the table, as I continued talking on the phone, completely bewildered at what was materialising in front of me.
Standing upright, was a box of sorts.
A box. A very foreign box. Set before me.
A box. A very foreign box. Set before me.
I wasn’t quite sure what to make of it. Had Mavis salvaged a box from the garage which contained raw uncut diamonds? Was I to be impressed? Or was it something of mine (that was still left) that she had found in the cupboard and wanted to give to her son? This… SEABED WORLD LAMP LIGHTING MOVE. Was it mine?
I held the phone away from my face as I questioned this bizarre event that was unfolding on the phone.
“I’m on the phone, Mavis. Are you asking me if you want this thing? What is inside the box? Is it mine? Where did you find it? What is going on, Mavis?”
“Sorry Kim..” I continued the call.
“No, I bought it for you,” Mavis replied, grinning like a Cheshire Cat; as she placed the second prop on the table. A card. Clearly not for me.
Oh God..
Happy Father’s Day
Happy Father’s Day
I kind of recognised the card, but then noticed the hand-written words HAPPY FATHER’S DAY at the top. Well, you can only imagine – I didn’t know what the fuck was going on. This is what Mavis does. She specialises in confusing me.
“What the fuck is going on, Mavis?” I whispered angrily, trying my best to muffle the phone.
“It is for you,” she tells me.
“Ah. Ok. Stop right there. Error. Cancel everything.” I urged. “I’m not a father. So can we remove this hostile takeover of my phone call and pretend whatever is happening here, didn’t happen?”
“But you will be. One day!” she argued.
Hmm, cunning.
This was by far the most fucked up thing Mavis had ever hit me with, and I knew that without urgently ending my phone call, she would surely kill me. Somehow. She would. The bombardment would, ultimately, kill me. I don’t need to go out of my way to explain to you what I mean. It is common knowledge that Mavis wants to kill me.
I ended the call.
“Okaaaay, Mavis, what’s going on here?” I snapped, opening the card, beginning the inevitable process.
The card – cryptic
The card – cryptic..
“HAPPY FATHER’S DAY – FROM MAVIS,” it read.
“GREAT SWIMMERS DO NOT SUFFER HEART ATTACKS.”
Whilst I didn’t ever expect the card to make sense, the mention of a heart attack did bother me.
“HEY CAT TRY TO FRY ONE FISH EACH WEEKEND!“
Ok, ja. There is obviously some tie-up here with the first sentence, as she mentioned “swimmers” before, and now there is something about a fish. Interesting. But then there is also this new cat/fish connection that I’m trying to get to grips with.
“HAVE A HAPPY DAY” it ended, as it should, after such a bold statement.
Mine eyes cast over the right of the card, where things became ever so slightly clearer. It seems Mavis had found an old birthday card from my folks and had crossed out their written message to me – a clearly common card reuse process that I was unaware of..
To clarify, she ended it with “SORRY TO USE THIS CARD – But I like surprises.” Yes, of course, she was referring to the inscription on the elephant’s tummy (on the front of the card – above) which described the elephant’s love for surprises.
“Ok. Good. Nice, Mavis. I see what you’ve done there. I’m not going to get into what it means, for now. What’s in the box?”
That’s when she hauled out another box from inside the original box, encased in in a plastic frame, which could only be described as kitsch. (Decidedly Rococo in her eyes at “only R58,50!” she exclaimed).
It came with a plug, which she stuck in the wall and turned it on.
Seeing is believing
Seeing is believing
You will notice some artificial fish in that box. Now they are set behind a clear plastic corrugated screen. There is no water whatsoever, by the way. A 9-month old would scoff at any suggestion of realism. When turned on, there is a light that shines from behind and the fish all move in unison, at the same speed, across the “screen.” They’re obviously stuck or printed on some clear wraparound film, behind the screen, which is revolving around and around… with fish printed on it. You get the picture?
It should be mentioned at this point that I had recently authorised an imminent cash injection for Mavis for her son’s “initiation.” Which is fair enough. Following my schooling with the likes of The Chief, I was well aware of this coming-of-age process for black (original) African men, to do with being circumcised at the age of 18. What bothered me was the fact that Mavis had already asked for this particular grant before.
“But Mavis, isn’t that what I gave you money for last time?” I questioned.
“Yes,” she confirmed. (I was absolutely right, it seemed). “That initiation for my son was postponed until now!”
“And you need the money AGAIN?” I probed.
“Yes!” she gave, again, slightly annoyed at my line of questioning.
“And what happened to that money?” I asked, triumphant in my closing of the point.
Semi-laughing, she explained, quite obviously, that “There are a lot of other things the money could have and WAS used for. My house needed fixing etc.” she concluded.
Fair enough.. I mused.
I shook my head, trying best to grasp what was going on and, looking out to sea from The Safe House, accepted that there were/are quite definitely things that probably need taking care of at Mavis’s Safe House.
“And you’re going to pay this off?” I asked, knowing full well that it would never happen.
“Yes!” she lied.
“Excellent! That’s a done deal then!” I exclaimed.
You’ll be pleased to learn that Mavis got the extra cash the Monday after the Father’s Day gift, and has subsequently, coincidentally, gone on holiday!
For three weeks!
God knows where.
Probably Ibiza!
You’ll find Mavis took SEVERAL 18 year old men for initiation in Ibiza!
They’re probably with Goldfish at Pacha, in Ibiza. Right now!
Just kicking it.
While I sit here, with you – at the arse end of two joints and several glasses of whiskey.
Amazing!
Mavis is the clear winner..
