2oceans Vibe

I am completely flabbergasted at the amount of people who still think it is cool to call out of the blue. People who assume that you are available at that exact time. People who assume you want to take a chance in the hope that THAT particular call is not an annoying salesman or bank person. People who assume that you can smell it is them at the other end of that private number or number you don’t have saved in your phone. I have been ranting about this for many years and I swear to God if SMS and emails came before phones, we would be handling them EXACTLY like Skype. Which is to say we would arrange times to talk – like meetings. This calling out of the blue business is a bad habit from the past – before the days of SMS and email and it is B U L L S H I T!

And I’m not alone. In fact, I am part of the MAJORITY! So you can keep telling yourself that your buddies and colleagues don’t mind, but I’m afraid they do. Because when you’re not there and they’re filling out a survey on their own, they admit to not digging it. 

Or recent 2oceansvibe Survey received over 1,000 completed forms and 73% of the respondents said they would prefer an SMS before a call, rather than random calls out of the blue.

Not that you should take it personally – it’s just that you have NO clue what the person you are calling is doing at that time. Think about it! Granted, a lot of people DO answer those calls – but has it ever occurred to you that they are doing it under duress?

A whopping 60% would prefer not to communicate on the phone WHATSOEVER, citing SMS and email as their preferred comms format.

53% do not answer private numbers.

98% of people would NOT answer an “unknown number” in a meeting.

86% WOULD answer the phone in a meeting if they knew it was ADT calling.

Makes you wonder how ADT are legally ALLOWED to alert you from a private number, when your home alarm goes off.

Nice to know that if your wife was about to get raped at home – and pressed the panic button – that only 2% of us wouldn’t answer the call if we were in a meeting.

Great vibe, ADT.

I don’t answer private numbers. Nor do a lot of people I know. But a lot of them haven’t reached my elite level. The “elite communicator” level is where you find yourself when you have absolutely zero curiosity as to who might be calling. You’re over it. You’re so far gone, that you only answer them when the timing corresponds to an annoying moment in your day and they arrive right on queue for a blasting. Seriously, I only answer private/blocked calls when I need to let off some steam. A bit of sport, is how I see it.

Other buddies of mine who have realised that private calls are fundamentally rude and insulting are able to ignore calls, but the little hamster in their head starts going once the ringing stops. I wonder who that was? Will they leave a message? Why hasn’t it come through yet? Questions like that don’t arise when you’re part of the elite. And anyway, elite level communicators have a voicemail which tells the caller that they mustn’t leave a message, and should rather email or SMS.

So many questions and such a bizarre waste of time, spent on what is inevitably a bank telling you a bullshit story about how you have been selected for a credit card. We’ve all had them, and as true as the sea is blue, every single person I know hates them.

“Hello! We’ve been sent to destroy you!”

What I want to say to all the companies out there is that just because only one in 100 freaks out (me, if I answer to release some energy), do not be fooled into thinking that the other people enjoy the suspense you created, and the call itself. Just because they don’t berate your poorly trained gimps reading from a manual, does not mean they enjoyed the experience. They hate it. And even if they like your company, they hate you for making them go through that minor anxiety.

And please don’t tell me that your phone system “is just like that.” Bullshit. You can have a number come up and your clients/friends can save it for future reference. Fact. And if you can’t, then you need to switch systems.

And so, in summary, I want to say to all the companies out there using private numbers – you are damaging your brand. And the more you do it, the more people will hate you. Fact.

But who gives a rat’s ass, right? It’s not about the customer – it’s about you.

So carry on with that. And the best of luck to you.

With this whole News International Rupert Murdoch Phone Hacking Scandal (NIRMPHS) taking over our lives, there seems to be a large misunderstanding in terms of what exactly ‘phone hacking’ is. I will begin by saying that they do not ‘intercept’ calls and listen to live conversations. No, Sir. It’s a lot easier than that.

As with the story they did about Prince William and his injured knee, the information was actually obtained from his voicemail. More often than not, that is what they mean by ‘phone hacking’ – listening to someone’s voicemail. Now how do they do that, you ask? Well, it’s very easy. If you were a bad person you could do it right now to nearly any phone in South Africa. Follow the link to find out how… Continue Reading

A strange number has appeared on the screen of my phone, twice a day, every day this week. I left it – as I do most phone calls – because I was/am usually doing something at the time. And even if I’m doing nothing, that does qualify as doing something these days. My voicemail message notifies the caller that they must not leave a message, but should rather SMS me or email me.

The eighth call from the same number this week, came through just a few minutes ago (I’m currently high on adrenalin) and I answered it, perplexed as to why the caller was unable to follow through with basic instructions.

Turns out it was Nedbank.

Turns out Sipho, who handles FOREIGN EXCHANGE at Nedbank in Sea Point, is not allowed to have a bank email address.

HE HANDLES INTERNATIONAL FOREIGN EXCHANGE AND DEALS WITH CLIENTS IN THE BANK AND DOES NOT HAVE AN EMAIL ADDRESS.

I find that phenomenal.

A recent photograph taken at Nedbank in Sea Point

Sipho needed a document from me, so I gave him a website address, which details my physical address, as well as a handly map and parking instructions.

Guess what, THEY ARE NOT ALLOWED TO GO ON THE INTERNET.

AT ALL.

He informed me that they had an inTRAnet.

Wonderful.

That’s like saying you don’t play golf BUT you have thrashed Tiger Woods on the Nintendo Wii.

Someone in the bank handling foreign exchange and dealing with clients in the year 2011 – with no email address? It’s actually so embarrassing it’s verging on hilarity.

Please, Nedbank – get a grip…

_______________

CLICK HERE for all past articles about Phone Calls and how the world is changing…

One of the worlds front-runners when it comes to social observation, Dilbert’s Scott Adams, has joined the groundswell tsunami of support for a change in how we communicate in the era. In particular, voice calls vs emails and SMS. Here at 2oceansvibe, we have written REAMS on it (here, here, here, here, here, here and here) and it’s nice to see the uptake is both fast and furious.

Enter Dilbert, stage left.

Dilbert

Scott Adams writes about things that we all know full well, but the idiots choose to ignore. For example:

While voice calling is getting worse, texting is becoming easier. More smartphones have full keyboards. And texting isn’t the huge inconvenience that phone calls are. I explained in another post that all phone calls have a victim, i.e. the person receiving the call. You’re ALWAYS in the middle of doing something else when someone calls to yack. The worst offenders are the people in cars who don’t have satellite radio, or books on tape, and they’re just calling to make their drive less boring.

Texting is way better. It can fill in all of the tiny spaces in life while you’re waiting for something else to happen and a voice call would be too large for the space. When I get a text alert, it always makes me happy, even before I read the message. When my phone rings, I think, Uh-oh, what fresh hell is this?

But that is only the beginning.

CLICK HERE for his 19 reasons why wireless (cellphone) voice calls are obsolete.

That’s How It Is regulars would have caught my contributing story which was published a week ago. Now I’ve said a lot in the past about phone etiquette and how one should roll if one truly wants to live the holiday. So I put together a final say on the matter, we you might find useful when attempting to educate your friends and colleagues. And you can show them the comments building up under that article at the same time – mostly in support!

“The Holiday” really is all there waiting for you – it’s only you holding it back. And your friends – but you need to show this to them.

Look, I say this is the final say, but you know it’s not really. I”m not going to stop until society (or at least the people in my world) gets this at least semi-right.

YESTERDAY’S UNANNOUNCED VISITS ARE TODAY’S UNEXPECTED PHONE CALLS

I was given a guided tour of the 24.com offices a couple weeks ago and was eventually led into a massive triple volume room, probably half the size of a rugby field, occupied by all of their staff. You could look down into the middle, which held a massive open-plan area with desks and staff at the bottom. Then, on each level above that (also looking down onto the aforementioned open plan area) were more desks and workers – with each section comprising of a different division (Food24, Health24 etc.).

My friend Bruce walked the one way and I walked around the other. Then, about mid-way across to the other side, something quite mind-blowing suddenly occurred to me. I looked up at Bruce who was now on the opposite side.

“Bruce,” I said, using a very natural conversational tone and volume.

He looked up from where he was and said, “Yup?”

“How amazing is that?” I asked him.

Then is suddenly dawned to him, “Oh.My.God!” he whispered..

From across a room of hundreds of people below and all around us, we could hear each other perfectly! Before that point we had not realized that there were no phones ringing and no people talking in the entire room – a room full of media people and journalists!

Or, more to the point, we hadn’t quite pin-pointed the rare feeling of serenity and calm we were experiencing. In a work environment, no less!

WHAT is the first thing people mention when they talk about a holiday? When they talk about that trip overseas or that trip to the islands or a beach resort.. They talk about turning their phones off, don’t they?

“I can’t wait to get out of town, turn off the phone and just sit back and relax!” is the usual pre-holiday anthem. The phone is the number one vibe-killer of our time and it’s incredible that people haven’t found a way to reduce its use in their everyday life. This is a combination of both social pressures and habit.

I have a mantra which goes, “Work is a sideline, Live the holiday” which I have lived-by for a number of years now. The motto itself can be interpreted in many ways. You can take it at face value and aspire to lounging on the beach all day or, like me, you could interpret it as being able to work but not realize that you are working. You might deem what I do as “work,” but to me I’m just doing what I genuinely feel like doing. A ‘hobby,” if you will. “Hobby” by definition is “An activity or interest pursued outside one’s regular occupation and engaged in primarily for pleasure.”

By that very definition I most certainly am living the holiday. And, seeing as I am on holiday, should I not be subscribing to the prerequisite? Bloody right I should! No phone calls, thank you very much! A few years ago I turned my back on private numbers and unknown calls, and today I pretty much shun all unexpected or unplanned calls – a trend I see being followed more and more by people around me. But we’ll get back to that in a second.

WHEN I was a kid we had a phone at home and if there was no-one at home to take a message, you simply wouldn’t know that someone had tried to call you. Answering machines came out later which fixed that dilemma but, before that, you could very often miss a friend and vice-versa, for days! It was because of this that it was not completely out of the ordinary for someone to arrive at your front door, unannounced. Do YOU remember the days when people used to visit unannounced?

But then technology improved and answering machines were installed in homes around the country. The need for unannounced visits was reduced and, over time, it became rude to show up at people’s houses uninvited. Technology had improved our lives by allowing us to escape, without the fear of random people arriving out-of-the-blue. Yesterday’s unannounced visits are today’s unexpected phone calls.

What people seemed to have missed when it comes to technology is that, although the various advancements have made us more accessible, they have also virtually completely eliminated our privacy. And, what’s more, we seem compelled to conform to those social “norms” which dictate that we answer our phones. And that’s why I’m telling you right now – fuck that.

Text messages and email are now on nearly every cellphone and, instead of replacing most phone calls with this new technology, people are misinterpreting it as an optional “if-you-feel-like-it” extra.

At a very basic level of this ideal, and a great way to illustrate where we are heading, is an example I give about phone number requests. If you are looking for someone’s phone number and you know that I have it, you have absolutely no right to phone me for it. A phone number request should only be done via text message. Why should you have the right to interrupt whatever it is I am doing and rope me into a bit of preamble bullshit banter – all just to get a phone number? Fuck you. Requests for phone numbers now come in the form of a SMS. Fact. Try and get that right amongst your friends and you will immediately feel a slight sense of being on holiday – certainly more on holiday than you felt before. And I’m only getting started!

In this modern day of emails and digital media, a massive portion of our conversations are either referencing things online, or requests which require the one party to follow up – virtually always in the form of email and online. You need a document signed? Sure, I’ll scan it and email it to you. You want to buy that book I told you about? Here is the link to the online store to buy it from. You want to see the photographs from our overseas trip? Here is an email with the photo gallery. You want to discuss those figures for that deal we were discussing? I’ve attached the spreadsheet to this email. You want a favour from me? Cool, email all of that to me and I will look over it when I find a moment.

All of that said, 90% of MY phone calls used to end with an email request. Why then don’t we start with en email and avoid having to put everyone’s day on pause, just to discuss what we are going to email anyway? That’s what I’ve done and I now get a maximum of two phone calls a day, which are either expected, or planned.

Let’s chat again about “private” numbers and “unknown” numbers on the cellphone. There is a growing number of people out there who refuse to answer unknown numbers – you might be one of them. This is the first step towards freeing yourself and understanding how easy it is for you to live the holiday. People don’t answer unknown numbers because of the fear of the unknown. For me, it’s a no-brainer. Why for the love of God would I risk answering a call that could be from anybody? That’s pretty much as close as you can get to modern day Russian Roulette! It could be an annoying sales pitch from the bank, it could be an old friend who isn’t really a friend and has arrived in town. It could be someone annoying who should be emailing you etc etc.

Why risk all of that?

People are starting to ignore private numbers because they want less stress and they yearn for the holiday. But then what happens? They (the secretive people on the other end of private number calls) leave a voicemail, which becomes number 37 in the queue on your cellphone voicemail and you have to go through the rest of the messages just to get to that one. How rude! Especially if it is something they could have SMS’d!

Bugger that. I changed my voicemail which now states, “Sorry I couldn’t take your call, either I don’t know your number or I’m busy doing my own thing. You can leave a message if you want but I probably won’t get it. But if you REALLY want to get in touch, send a text message or email me at editor@2oceansvibe.com.”

See what happened there? They were given a set of rules. You will be amazed how a simple voicemail alteration will change your life. I don’t even have a ring on my phone anymore. My friends and colleagues email and text me, and any calls that come through go straight to voicemail and the caller ends up texting or emailing me.

Not that friends and colleagues can’t phone me – it’s just that there is a time and place for that. And it’s not about being a bad person – I will and I do extend them the exact same courtesy when I need to get hold of them. If I must chat then I will SMS first, requesting a time that suits them for a chat – invariably it is a little later as they are busy doing something at the moment. I’m sure they would answer if I called, but, given the option, people generally prefer to finish whatever it is they are doing at the time! Try it – you’ll see..

24.com’s offices are clearly where everything is heading – it’s their job to embrace exactly that. Unfortunately the rest of us are still trying to kick old habits and don’t realise that the feeling of being on holiday is more accessible than you think. When cellphones first came out it was cool to have one and cool to spend your time yacking on the thing. Not anymore, my friends – it is now, officially, uncool.

I received a call as I was writing this article. It was a cellphone number that I didn’t recognize. I ignored it and carried on writing. Then I took a break from writing (when it suited me) to make a sandwich. I glanced at my iPhone and noticed that the person had gone to voicemail, heard the instructions, and left a text message. I read the message which was from a friend of a friend – asking something about buying a new iPhone. I wrote back, giving the name and number of a friend who works at Digicape, who should be able to help her.

Then I went back and finished this article.

See how easy that was?

Catch more thought provoking content and on-the-edge writing at That’s How It Is.

Look, there’s a time and place for phone calls. YOU just don’t seem to get it.

Unexpected or unplanned phone calls are slowly but surely becoming the new anti-social smoking. People are starting to realise that the more accessible we have become, the less time we have to ourselves and the more intrusive every phone call becomes. This, naturally, goes against the idea of living the holiday. Surely this was not the plan, when technology became more and more advanced?

A lot of people take it personally when they are asked to email or SMS, rather than calling randomly at time that suits them. Laugh if you will, my thick skinned friends – times are changing and I swear to you that unless you embrace the SMS culture (which is SIMPLY to do with common courtesy) and kick the habit of making unplanned or unexpected phone calls, you will be deemed anti-social in a few years time. It’s EXACTLY the same as people who insist on a meeting, when a couple of emails will suffice.

And you know what? I’m not alone..

Whilst our concerns and suggestions are well documented (here, here and here), similar support for this 2oceansvibe communications ideal, is gaining momentum all over the world.

This, from The Oatmeal (I told you about The Oatmeal before here – awesome website):

They give 9 other valid reasons that I haven’t even touched on, so check them out HERE.

Seriously now, why do you take it so personally? We’re just trying to get on with our lives and concentrate on one thing at a time.

Why would you not prefer me to give you my undivided attention on email? Rather than trying to deal with a bad connection and your whining voice, while I’m trying to park my car and tip a car guard at the same time.

MOST of those phone calls end with the same line anyway, “Cool, could you email that to me or SMS me the details and I’ll follow through.”

Have you noticed that?

[thanks siraj]

This aricle has been brewing for some time and may have been touched on before. I remember some time ago I gave my ten cents with regards to phone calls that come in from Private Numbers – you can read about those here and here. the majority of you agreed.

Today’s discussion (the comments section is all yours) has to do with phone calls vs SMS – particularly on weekends. A concept which will more than likely be covered in my book.

I don’t like talking on the phone and, believe it or not, neither do a lot of people. Personally, I’m either writing (stories/emails/sms’s, with music on in the background) or eating or hanging with friends or chilling out or attending an event or making love to a beautiful woman. I’m hardly ever doing anything else. Now why would I want to interrupt any of those things by talking on the phone? Doing nothing (chilling) is an actual activity these days. It is one of the joys of living the holiday. If you’re phoning me every time I’m chilling, then I’m not chilling – I’m talking to you.

And if you find out I’m doing “nothing” on the beach or at home, why does this mean that I must welcome a phone call from you? Then I won’t be doing “nothing” anymore. Or maybe I am fine with a chat on the phone – but at least give me the option?

1 – Change your message, Live the holiday

Before I get into that, I want to support this argument by highlighting the fact and congratulating those who have changed their voicemail message on their cellphones to announce that the caller would be better off sending a sms than leaving a message (as per my previous tips for a better life). My one buddy has gone even further, proclaiming, “Hi, sorry I couldn’t answer your call. Please send me an sms and let me know what’s up. But please, don’t leave a voice message because it has been turned off and I won’t get it, thanks.”

He’s probably telling a fib about the voicemail being completely disabled but that’s besides the point – the person at the other end has no option but to sms. Personally, I have a message that encourages people to sms or email. That way I can’t forget to get back to them.

This culture and system suits both the very busy and those who are trying to live the holiday. Whichever one it is, it really is their perogative.

2 – Go on, send a SMS!

So tell me, what is so difficult about sending an sms? A lot of people respond to that question with, “oh it didn’t suit me.” So then why exactly did you assume it suited me?

Unless you have large amounts of money to give me or your house is burning down or you have an urgent answer or message I’m expecting that pertains to something I/we are doing or about to do or you are coming for a pre-planned braai and you’re on the road, lost, looking for urgent directions – what is so hard about typing a few words down? Or if you really cannot put it into written words, how about sending a text asking the question, “Can you chat?”

Why can’t you do that? And please don’t tell me you don’t know how or your phone has a bad sms system. In a very nice way, that has absolutely nothing to do with me. Just as people stopped arriving at each others houses uninvited, following the invention of the telephone, so too should things change with the advent of text messaging.

Convenient, quiet, polite

Even better are the people who call back after I sms a question. If I sms you a question, I clearly can’t talk! There is absolutely no need to switch to guns. Or, more than likely, I am not expecting the answer right now. That is the nature of sms – I have time. I will wait until the reply suits and is convenient for you. If I need the answer fairly swiftly, I trust that you will have the intelligence to gauge this and respond timeously – if possible. If you are quick to get back to me, I’ll probably ensure you get the same treatment from me.

3 – Don’t worry, I’ll leave a message!

Voicemail on cellphones came along before text messages. We were used to voicemail because, before cellphones, we had answering machines at home. Why did people get answer machines at home? I’ll tell you why – because they didn’t have cellphones and they didn’t have text messaging. They checked their answering machines to see who called them while they were out. And then what did they start doing with the answer machines? Exactly – they began screening calls. The randomness became too much for them. Which is exactly why we don’t answer private numbers.

And so cellphones were invented and they came with voicemail. Very handy. But then came text messages, which, instead of being used as a progressive solution, is seen as an alternate exception. Why would you not want to move forward? Society is changing, my friends – deal with it!

Some of you will bore me argue that I don’t have to answer the phone and that you’re more than happy to leave a message. Tell me something, have you ever had a day, or two days in a row where you have had back-to-back appointments / events / functions and, with each voice message that comes in, the buildup in the message box becomes so big that, even if you find time to check them, it will now take too long to deal with?

Haven’t you?

Oh.

Well, know this – others do!

If I’m (for want of a scenario) having lunch with my mother and some strange number phones, or even a number that happens to be in my phone book, I’m not going to answer the phone – I’m with my mother, that’s what I’m doing. Then, if that person leaves a voicemail message, I’m not going to check it right away and will probably forget to do so after the lunch anyway. That message will be number 15 in the message box which I haven’t found a moment to check anyway and to sit down and listen to all of those may well kill me.

But if that person sent me an sms – I could then glance at it and gauge if the person needs a prompt response from me, or if it could wait until after lunch. I could even reply during a toilet break!

Is this starting to make ANY sense to you?

4 – Meetings and Emails

While we’re having this chat, what is it with people who want to tell you about an idea or something and start pushing for a meeting? Especially when it is something that can be perfectly laid out and communicated via email? I can’t do a meeting, but I wouldn’t mind hearing more about your idea. Can you email me all the info, with pics etc?

But then, when I ask you to email me, I get this silence – as though I’m tossing you aside with no hope of follow-through. Let me tell you one thing – there has never been a better hope of follow-through than via email or text. Would you rather I wrote your number down on a napkin and found a paper diary to fumble through and then phone you back with an appointment that doesn’t suit you?

Grow up man – it’s virtually 2010 – we have sms/emails and calenders – let’s work it that way. Let’s email and then, if things warm up and a meeting is necessary, then we can agree on a date and time and synchronise calendars. All without one phone call!

5 – Weekend Phone Calls

Which brings me to weekend phone-calls.. Why, dear Lord, are people still indulging in this bizarre practice? How is it that you are so convinced that this particular moment, which CLEARLY suits you to make a phone call, suits me as well? Who exactly do you think you are calling me or anyone on the weekend? How can you be so sure that I’m not trying to use this time to catch up with The Muse, who I haven’t had a moment with for the last week or two? How can you be so sure that I’m not in the middle of a shopping trip with my mother, or trying to drift away on the beach, or carry bags to my car, or ANYTHING for that matter? Who the fuck do you actually think you are?

And, if you MUST have a loose chat on the weekend, bang out an sms and I’ll reply when I get a moment. It might be right now – or it might be later. It might even be when I’m on the loo – who knows? Point is, it’s the weekend, bru – don’t be rude.

Personally, I feel this rule should apply to the week – not only the weekend. But, to coin a phrase I made up many years ago when living in Italy, “Rome wasn’t built in a day.”

And you know what the beauty of this argument is? The entire premise behind it is to do with general good manners and considerateness. That’s all. No-one is trying to be cool or show off or claim that they are too busy and that is why they want it like this. No-no, that’s because it is what it is – good manners and considerateness. Do you GET that?

6 – Some Basics to Get You Started

“Have you got John’s number?” That’s a SMS, not a phone call.

“Are you going to that thing tonight?” That’s a SMS, not a phone call.

“What is the dress code?” That’s a SMS, not a phone call.

“Can you recommend a restaurant?” That’s a SMS, not a phone call.

“What time are you going?” That’s a SMS, not a phone call.

“Have you seen my sunglasses?” That’s a SMS, not a phone call.

“Is Mark back in Cape Town?” That’s a SMS, not a phone call.

“Are you keen for lunch?” That’s a SMS, not a phone call.

“Please give me a call, I need to pick your brain.” No. without any hint as to what the topic is, I will NOT be calling you back. Too many times have I called someone so they can “pick my brain” and they have abused my politeness and cornered me and annoyed me. Or they require information that I could have gathered BEFORE calling them back. Or, better yet, something that can be sms’d or emailed.

Times have changed – let’s help each other live the holiday.

We’re pretty passionate about cellphone rules (check out article Latest Cellphone Rules), here at 2oceansvibe and have even included them in our Cape Town Rules section of the site.

Following on from that article, I have noticed more and more people struggling with private numbers. I’ve found that some people are still unable to ignore them, fuelled with the fear that the call might be important and the person at the other end might not leave a message and the “opportunity” might be missed. This is a possibility – a possibility which can easily be fixed by educating the caller.

You need to EXPLAIN the rules to the callers

The only reason people with private numbers piss you off, is because they keep on phoning and refuse to leave a message. How are they to know that you don’t answer private numbers? Banks and the rest of the annoying ones will keep on calling until you answer – that is what they’re told to do. UNLESS you put some new rules in front of them , which they have no option BUT to follow. Otherwise, I swear to God, it is NEVER going to stop..

It’s not cool to live like that – you’re on holiday, REMEMBER?!

These rules need to be stated in your voicemail. Simple instructions which have been created for every scenario and every caller type. These rules are also very handy for friends who might be terribly offended, should you tell them to their face; but the fact that it is a general voicemail message for everyone, avoids this sensitive issue.

The madness stopped dead in it’s tracks the day I changed my voicemail message to this:

Hi sorry I couldn’t take your call.
Please leave a message after the beep.
If you don’t leave a message I won’t call you back.
If I don’t know your number and you call again, I still won’t answer.
If you do leave a message that does not state the purpose of your call
..or does not make sense, I’m afraid I won’t be phoning you back.
I suggest then that you either send a text message, or email me.
Thanks.
Bye.

You like that? You see what I did there? And did you enjoy that part about “the purpose of your call?” – it’s so awesome. Now, if you run into someone who moans that you didn’t call them back, you can simply tell them that “I need to pick your brain” is NOT stating the purpose of the call. Saved again by your new voicemail message!

Then what you do is you call your service provider (0821082 for Vodacom) and tell them to turn on the “Spinvox” voicemail-to-text function which converts your voicemails into a text message (R49/month). No, I am not bullshitting you – this is a very real thing. Then, any voicemail message that is left on your phone gets converted into a text message (after a couple minutes) and you can READ what the person SAID in the message. It’s pretty incredible and it works. When they read out numbers it comes out in the text written as an actual number so you can just click the number to call them back.

Oh my God, this is a LIVE TEST: My phone is ringing right this second with a number showing – but a number I do not know.

The ringing has stopped and the voicemail is being read to the strange caller.

Standing by.

They’ve left a message.

[2 minutes later] It has been converted into a text message. A detailed message. With a number.

It’s someone I don’t want to speak to. A salesman type person.

I leave it.

Case closed.

Next..

If you call me with a private number or a number I don’t know, I will not answer. FACT .

If you don’t leave a message and call me again, I still will not answer. FACT .

You can do this as many times as you wish over as many days as you want and the FACTS stated above will remain the same. That is why they are called FACTS .

[By the way, the person currently calling me every second day with the number ending in 5193, and never leaving a message - you might need to get these FACTS into your head. That, or possibly some therapy.]

Try me

If you call with a private number or a number I don’t know and you DO leave a message explaining who you are and what you want, then there is a good chance I will probably call you back, possibly immediately – unless you’re trying to sell me something. FACT.

If you leave a message without mentioning a reason for the call, you are a prick and I probably won’t call you back (eg. Hi Seth, it’s wankface here; my number is 1234567, please call me). FACT. And throwing in the words “I just need to pick your brain” is classified as the same thing. Fuck you, you will not pick my brain, you will leave a message with a clue as to the topic.

All of this can be avoided with a simple text message! Don’t you get it?? It is not my problem that you “don’t know how to sms” or that you “prefer phoning” – times have changed, pal. Just like you don’t arrive unannounced at someone’s home, things have progressed and changed in the way we communicate. SMSing is no longer an ALTERNATIVE, it actually has it’s very own purpose.

I hardly ever phone people without sending a warning sms, simply asking when would be convenient. Nine times out of ten they advise a better time. “Call in 10 minutes, just having my hair cut” is a good example of the replies one gets. Which proves the theory, time and again. Phoning out of the blue is so fucking random. The other person could be carrying shopping bags. They could be in the middle of a long conversation. They could be having lunch with friends. They could be with their mother. They could be writing a serious email. They could be in a bad reception area and are aware that the call would be a nightmare to deal with. They could be sleeping! They could be making love to a 19 year old Polish American! Who the fuck are you to pounce on them out of the blue, without taking into account the fact that they just might not be chilling out on the sofa waiting for your call? It’s just not cool.

For example YOU DO NOT PHONE TO ASK FOR SOMEONE ELSE’S NUMBER – EVER. You sms them for the number and they will sms you back. FACT. It doesn’t matter if you are in a hurry. If I don’t sms it back immediately, I am obviously unable to do it at that particular time. Who exactly do you think you are?

I had a mate call me to ask for someone’s number. I kept cool, found the number and started reading it out to him. He stopped me mid way and said, “umm, can you rather sms that to me.”

Jesus Christ bru, do you want me to make the call for you as well?

If your phone rings, turn the sound off FIRST, THEN see who is calling. My head comes very close to explosion when people look at the screen and start mumbling, “Ooh, I wonder what he wants,” as they ponder answering or not (all the time the phone is ringing its head off!). And then someone suggests they turn the sound off and they give it the big, “I was ABOUT TO, but I wanted to see who it was!”

Huh! Sorry, that sentence doesn’t make sense. Please leave.

Phone rings – sound off – then look.

Also, you NEVER phone on a Sunday. Ever. In fact any time on the weekend is a bit silly.

Wake up people. Learn these rules – you’ll be surprised how many people agree with them.

It is with some amusement that I read the words “Private Number” or “Unknown” on my cellphone’s display. The phone is set to ‘silent’, returned to it’s previous position and ignored. Unknown numbers will, quite simply, not be answered. Ever. The non-answering of these calls has become something of second nature to me. It’s honestly reached a point that I don’t even know that I’m doing it. Like changing gears in a car. That’s how real the situation is. It’s like the call never occurred.

And let me tell you this as well, secret person, you can ring back as many times as you want and I swear to God nothing is going to change. If you INSIST on using a hidden number then the only form of communication will have to, and can only be in the form of a message. You can choose not to leave a message as many times as you fucking want and you know what? Nothings going to change, Freak Show.

The Maasai people are not scared of
taking calls from Private Numbers

I was chatting to The Lawyer about this and she confessed that she is prone to taking even more extreme measures. She turns on them like an Alsation and presses the red phone instead of the green phone – killing the call – not even letting them get to the voicemail message. She fucking punishes them. Ring-ring… RED PHONE…BANG!…FUCK YOU! Callers are left with the dull pain one feels when a ringing phone sound turns into a busy signal – knowingly dealt by the would-be answerer..

..and then they call again.

“RING-RING”

[RED BUTTON] – BANG! FUCK YOU!

“RING-RI..”

[RED BUTTON] – WHAMMO! FUCK OFF!

“RING”

[RED BUTTON] – BAH! DIE!

“R”

[RED BUTTON] – BANG! And punished!

It’s not to do with being a tit, it’s merely the insane risk of taking a call that just doesn’t fit the current situation. I mean…Jesus…..are you fucking high?

Friends can call and their names will come up and the call could still be ignored. It’s nothing nasty – clearly you’re busy. The beauty of this is they don’t even have to leave a message. They know that the situation wasn’t ideal and they know you’ll probably call them back. And if you don’t, it means you forgot and that they should try again later. There’s no malice involved. So that’s all pretty easy to deal with and understand. But an unknown number could very easily be some cock from FNB telling you that you have been pre-approved for a…. FUCK OFF! Cock!

I can hear some of you whining that your company’s switchboard shows up as a private number and there is nothing you can do about it. Ok. Good. We’ve already covered that. Leave a message.

Ok, so are we clear?

Good.

That’s all I really wanted to say right now.

Good luck with that Private Number of yours. I wish you two all the best.

“I called yesterday but you didn’t answer”

“Did you leave a message”

“No”

“Good”