See if you can spot the fake mourners among this footage:

Newser reports that mourners who came off as insincere have already been sent to join the 200 000 other North Koreans already in labor camps. An Amnesty International report published in May 2011 paints a dark picture of what’s in store at those camps – estimates suggest that 40% of inmates die of malnutrition.

The punishment news comes shortly after an announcement Thursday that Kim Jong Il’s embalmed remains would go on permanent display in the Kumsusan Memorial Palace in Pyongyang, the Associated Press reports, just as his father and previous North Korean leader, Kim Il Sung, was enshrined. AP notes that along with the enshrinement, a new statue and “towers to his immortality” will be erected to salute the late Supreme Leader.

[Source: Daily NK]

Kim Jong Il got the
full dictator treatment yesterday

Imagine, millions crying for you and saluting you.

Only then can you call yourself a true dictator.

Very little is known about the funeral procession, but tens of thousands of North Koreans continue to weep hysterically as the casket of the late Dear Leader passes them by.

The massive procession makes its way through Pyongyang..

The funeral is also expected to be used to help cement the succession of new leader, Kim Jong-un.

Kim Jong-il died of a heart attack on 17 December, aged 69.

You can follow this link to watch the hysterical scenes happening in Pyongyang right now.

[Source: TheAge]

With that, the ANCYL have paid homage to someone they hold in great esteem, and chose to do so with this fitting press release:

AFRICAN NATIONAL CONGRESS YOUTH LEAGUE

Office of the Secretary General

STATEMENT ON THE PASSING AWAY OF THE DPRK CHAIRPERSON OF THE NATIONAL DFEFENCE COUNCIL AND LEADER OF THE KOREAN PEOPLE: COMRADE KIM JONG IL.

The ANC Youth League wishes to send its heartfelt condolences on the passing away of the Great leader Comrade Kim Jong Il. As we remember this revolutionary we call upon the Korean people to forge ahead with the struggle to reunify their country, to free it completely of a legacy of Colonialism left to its people by imperialists represented by the United States of America.

May the undying spirit of Comrade Kim Jong Il continue to inspire the Korean people to defend the Songhun, the idea that it is possible for the people of Korea, Asia and the world to live well alongside each other in an egalitarian society, free from poverty, joblessness, hatred of each other and the oppression of one country by another.

As we will be proceeding to lay to rest Comrade Kim Jong Il, we remain vigilant of the problems facing the Workers Party of Korea and the Kim Il Sung socialist youth, this include the threat of imperialist aggression in the Korean peninsula, and the continued misleading propaganda of the Bak puppet regime and Western imperialism, to suggest that the government of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea is responsible for the destruction and disruption of the Korean Republic.

As revolutionaries we know that the government of Korea republic will destroy itself, and at that point the unity of the Korean people will prevail, under the capable leadership of the Workers Party of Korea and its Youth League the Kim ill sung Socialist youth, and the spirit that is carried in Mount Paektu will rejoice at this victorious moment. We say so because, we know that the creation of the Korean Republic or South Korea is not desired outcome of the people of Korea, but the creation of imperialism, hence its borders are still guarded by the US military. In his words the dearly departed comrade Kim Jong ill “Overall relations between the North and the South have developed in favour of national reconciliation unity and reunification”.

In commemorating this Great Leader we sent warnings to traitors of the people, led by Lee Myung Bak, who deliberately sunk his Cheonoan war ship and blamed it on the government of the Democratic People’s republic of Korea, to desist from an unsustainable offensive against the North of Korea and the Korean peninsula in general. His continued assault on the image of the DPRK in collaboration with the United States will not continue unabated. In this regard we support the just cause of the Korean people to defend themselves, using whatever means at their disposal, to continue struggling for a just and equal world order and to defeat Capitalism in all its facets.

On this same breath, we congratulate the many achievements, under the leadership of Comrade Kim Jong Il, including making sure that democratic centralism is alive and well in the revolution, as we in the ANC also use it to guide the discipline of our cadres. We recognise that under his stewardship the DPRK managed an economy that saved people from joblessness, homelessness, illiteracy or lack of education thereof, and the varying degrees of poverty.

In technology to save our climate you also excelled, as we saw the successful introduction of an air steriliser, to curb emission and related hazards from the climate, and this shows the effectiveness of the Korean nuclear technology, and this equally shames the Western and Imperialist Propaganda, that the DPRK nuclear programme is aimed at creating war in the world. “Korea is right, do not retreat”. We urge our dear Comrade Kim Jong Un, who will be tasked to lead the Korean revolution moving forward, do so, with memory of history and with distinction.

We are certain that the working people of South Africa, who are struggling to defeat the legacies of Apartheid, who want free, compulsory and quality education, decent housing, shelter, health, clothing, Nationalisation of mines and other key sectors of our economy and all the other basic amenities of life, are with you in your struggle to first unify your country and inspire the freedoms of all in the world under a just and equitable world order. The people of South Africa will not forget the support you gave to us during our struggle against Apartheid.

We say to all the Korean people fighting for peace and justice, Victory is Certain. Amandla, Awethu!!

All Power to the People

It’s clear that the Youth League will miss their other Dear Leader very much.

[Source: Politicsweb]

Reuters is reporting that a source with close ties to Pyongyang and Beijing stated that Jang Song-thaek, 65, brother-in-law of Kim Jong-il, and the great successor’s uncle, would share power with the North Korean military as the country moves forward.

Reuters didn’t identify the source, but said the same source had correctly predicted events in the past, even telling Reuters about the North’s first nuclear test in 2006, before it took place.

The source also hinted that the test missile fired by North Korea on Monday was a message it wanted to send, particularly to the US and South Korea:

With the missile test, [North] Korea wanted to deliver the message that they have the ability to protect themselves, but [North] Korea is unlikely to conduct a nuclear test in the near future unless provoked.

The source also commented on the subject of denuclearising, and said that North Korea may be “willing to do so on condition that North and South Korea, the United States and China sign an armistice replacing a 1953 ceasefire agreement,” Reuters reported.

According to the source, Pyongyang is also convinced the US is storing nuclear weapons in South Korea, and demands that Washington pull them out. This as US President, Barack Obama, planned to deploy 2 500 marines in Australia to shore up alliances in Asia mid-November.

In other news, the great successor has followed in his father’s footsteps and started looking at things too.

[Source: Reuters]

North Korean television has flighted images of the body of Kim Jong-Il lying in a glass coffin. There was also a flower-bedecked bier supporting the casket. His son and successor, Kim Jong-Un and other senior officials could be seen paying their respects.

The glass coffin, similar to the one Snow White was placed in, from a distance.

The body of Kim senior was dressed in his trademark khaki tunic, with most of the corpse covered by a red sheet, at Pyongyang’s Kumsusan Memorial Palace. The body of his father, founding president Kim Il-Sung, is also on display elsewhere in the palace.

Here are some more images from the news broadcast:

The North has set the funeral for December 28, and urged people to rally round Kim Jong-Un as the “great successor”. In case you missed it earlier, North Koreans have taken the news of their beloved leader rather badly, with many weeping hysterically in the streets.

[Source: News24]

Check out this insane footage of North Koreans grieving as if their lives depend on it:

[Source: Washington Post]

It’s really not been a good year for despotic leaders, has it? A handful of governments toppled, Hosni Mubarak jailed, Osama killed, ditto Gaddafi, and now the North Korean state-run mouth of propaganda has announced the departure of Dear Leader for that great de-militarized zone in the sky. Then again, as the saying goes in Pyongyang, one good Kim deserves another. So, as Dear Leader’s dearest son prepares to assume the mantle of power, let’s look back at some of KJI’s greatest hits.

Special delivery!

Always security conscious, Dear Leader preferred to tour around by armoured train. En route, he would have his favourite delicacies airlifted to the train on a daily basis, including fresh lobster and roasted donkey meat. In 2004, he also claimed he invented the hamburger.

(sings) “He’s so ronery!”

Kim considered himself quite the auteur. He claimed to have written six operas in two years celebrating the mighty Korean revolution and ascendancy of the mighty Korean worker. Probably not available on iTunes.

And, action!

His biggest passion, besides antagonising the West, was foreign films. He boasted a collection of over 20 000 movies, favourites being the Rambo and Friday The 13th series. In 1978, he ordered the abduction of a South Korean film director, Shin Sang-ok and his actress wife Choi Eun-hee. They were forced to make over seven films for the cinema-obsessed leader, including a knock off version of Godzilla, before escaping to the West in 1986.

“The same thing we do every night, 분홍색을 띤!”

He assumed the title of Dear Leader in 1994, replacing his father. He also allegedly preferred the title of “Central Brain”.

At least it’s quiet…

In the 1950s he commissioned the construction of an entire city called Kijong Dong, only for the purposes of propaganda. To this day, nobody has ever lived there.

(sings) “While soldiers patrolled the DMZ by night…”

He claims his birth was heralded by the appearance of a double rainbow, an evening star and the simultaneous advent of Spring. Actually he was born in a military encampment near the Russian city of Khabarovsk.

On a more serious note, though much parodied in media and entertainment circles, many political leaders and analysts considered the late Jong-il a clever and adept political manipulator, whose early climb to power was only bettered by his assiduous clinging to the Marxist-Leninist foundations laid by his father, despite international criticism of his government’s abuses, and successive famines and natural disasters in his tightly controlled regime. Always something of a mystery, he was nothing less than a singular breed of Communist crazy. What better way to send him into history than with one of the keenest tributes to his sheer lunacy.

[Source: BBC News, Youtube]

The vessel itself is nearly 40-years-old, rusty, sleeps eight to a room, has tap water that looks like tea and is called the Mangyongbong.

It’s provisional cruising route takes place along the less dangerous east coast and you’ve nothing to fear because, according to Hwang Chol-nam:

You’re in North Korea here. You’re completely safe. The North Korean military is protecting you.

Obviously.

A little earlier this month, the first trial trip was completed packing in Chinese tourists and businesspeople sharing their quarters with North Korean officials and foreign journalists.

It’s naturally going to be kept close to Our Dear Leaders heart because cruise operator, Taepung International Investment Group, falls under the National Defense Commission, which answers directly to the North Korean leader.

Park Chol-su, president of Taepung:

I love peace and the Korean Peninsula. Our company symbolises peace. We can even hire Americans.

China is supposedly going to be North Korea’s biggest tourist market for now, and according to John Delury, a historian at Yonsei University in Seoul who observes relations between the two Koreas and China, we’re probably looking at a Cuban type socialist strategy:

Tourism was a major factor that allowed Cuba to weather the end of the Soviet trading system after the cold war. Of course, North Korea can’t rival tropical Cuba as a tourist destination, but Pyongyang’s embrace of bringing in foreign visitors is a positive sign of willingness to integrate more fully with the outside world.

Meals were apparently served army base style: metal trays and utensils under fluorescent lights. Supper was diced chicken obliged with buffet-style cucumbers and lunch, an assortment of instant noodles. Nice.

Waitresses just chucked the leftovers overboard while the wind blew bits of rubbish back onto the deck.

Here’s a short video depicting life on board:

Like the usual cruise ship activities, the trip involved a few stops, most notably one at a well-manicured golf course.

Another stop occurred at a hotel just around the corner from the South Korean border and you could go hiking or watch an acrobatics show. Of course, there was also a North Korean-style duty-free shop at the hotel. In it, you could even purchase discounted homegrown Viagra made from antler.

Stunning. Sounds like fun, doesn’t it gang?

[Source: NYTimes]

It was Medvedev who extended the invitation to Kim, who arrived in Russia on Saturday via armoured train, greeted by Russian women in national dress offering him traditional gifts of bread and salt.

Basically, the two leaders will meet later this week to discuss the possible transportation of Russian natural gas and other energy (read: oil and electricity), to North and South Korea.

Medvedev is also quite keen to resume the long-stalled negotiations on ending Our Dear Leader’s nuclear ambitions, in return for aid.

Just ahead of this trip, Russia announced that it was already providing 50 000 tons of wheat to the North, which might face another food crisis this year due to heavy rains.

Kim has already been to China a few times in the last year to ask for aid and it’s hoped these new talks could spur some good faith out of Kim.

The business of the possible construction of a pipeline that would stream Russian natural gas to both Koreas is also expected to be a focus for Kim, because he knows he can make approximately $100 million out of the South each year by supplying it to them.

Today Kim’s train was pushing through the resource-rich far east of Russia, calling on some major Russian power projects, while yesterday he visited a hydroelectric power plant in Amur province to admire and learn about its history.

Imparting some wisdom, he wrote in the plant’s visitor’s book:

Inexhaustible is the strength of the Russian people.

It’s been almost 10 years since Our Dear Leader travelled to Russia and the trip has also sparked rumours that he is after investment and support for a transfer of power to his youngest son, Kim Jong Un.

[Source: AssociatedPress via Yahoo]

Kim Jong Eun is the son of North Korea’s Kim Jong Il. He is destined to rule this nuclear-armed rogue nation one day, but it is said that his dad is rather obsessed with the whole “eternal president” concept. So much so, that he’s sent his son for six plastic surgery procedures to look more like him and his father. So messed up is the situation, that people don’t even know how old Kim Jong Eun is – only that he is in his “late twenties”!

They say the mysterious Kim Jong Eun, the youngest son of Kim Jong Il, underwent the operations between 2007 and 2010 before he was unveiled as the next-in-line to rule the North Korea. Ha Tae Kyung, the head of Open Radio for North Korea, made the claim at a talk on North Korea’s hereditary succession at the Royal United Services Institute in London, and said that he was quoting senior North Korean officials. If Ha Tae is still alive after this, I’d be very surprised.

See if you can spot the resemblance. Start with the double chins.

This marvelous invention comes packaged in a beautiful card, which you may frame, emblazoned with an image of Our Dear Leader skipper forth in perfect health and completely stroke free. He is followed by beautiful Korean maidens bathing in his joy and happiness.

Westerners will even be afforded the opportunity to acquire one of these beautiful scrapers from the capitalistic site “Amazon“.

We thank our dear leader, who is by our side and will not forsake us.

[Source : Amazon]

There’ve been flowers, balloons, fizzers, green juice, cheese curls, and music! Seth even let us hum! Can you believe that?

I haven’t hummed in years.

Why all this gaiety? Well, we’re glad you asked.

It’s Kim Jong Il’s 69th brithday! Happy Birthday Our Dear Leader! Like a handsome stag you guide our path across the gently undulating hills of your love!

I, like you dear reader, can scarcely contain myself as the mere thought of being granted access to such an event stirs passions in me that I thought were only possible in the works of writers of romance and folly.

But No! It is true that from the 26^th to the 30^th of April 2011 the great Democratic People’s Republic of Korea will host the first North Korean Amateur Golf Open.

It is well known Our Dear Leader, Kim Jong Il is the greatest and most talented golfer in the history of man. As you almost certainly know, when he opened the Pyongyang Golf Complex in 1991 he posted a remarkable round of 38, on his very first ever round. This fabulous achievement of a 34 under par score included 11 holes in one and has never been equaled and never will be. The next best score anywhere in the world was poultry 57 on a par 71 course, only 14 under par. Pathetic.

Since this stupendous score has been made public rumours are that Jack Nicklaus has been seen furiously sharpening the blade of his katana, in order that he may ritually disembowel himself. And both Gary Player and Tiger Woods are said to have taken to heavy drink and now spend their waking hours feverishly pacing the halls of their palatial homes, muttering to themselves.

Now dear reader, you have the glorious privilege of taking part in this awe-inspiring event, for the insignificant figure of 999 Euros. A Chinese tour operator and British company Lupin Travel will get you there in style and the trip includes visas, the tournament, return train travel from China into North Korea, all meals, four nights in “five star hotel accommodation” and a wonderful tour of North Korea.

What a glorious and proud moment it is for us all. Huzza!

[Thanks, Emma]

[Source: Daily Mail]

We all know that the Dear Leader’s retribution will be swift, nuclear and total, should South Korea be silly enough to persist in it’s unjustifiable pecksnookery and belligerent acts of war. But Our Dear Leader doesn’t want it to come to that, if the South Koreans help him, to help them.

The North Korean Central News Agency, which is Kimmy’s personal letter writing service, had this to say:

We are ready to meet anyone anytime and anywhere, letting bygones be bygones, if he or she is willing to go hands in hands with us…

Of course, the proud nation of North Korea is in no way angling for food and medical supplies.

Word on the street People’s Palace is that the Southern Dogs have dismissed the olive branch, calling it insincere, and demanding an apology for that artillery shelling misunderstanding that happened late last year.

It’s forgive and forget, South Korea. Not forgive and remember. Children.

[Source : Yahoo News]

Charlie Sheen.

The distilled entertainment value of Charlie’s endeavours in and around New York’s swanky hotels is immeasurable. Loved every moment of his 2010 performance. Can’t wait to see what he brings to the orgy next year.

Yonni Barrios.

Matter of fact the whole bunch of them: 33 sweaty Chileans trapped underground for nine weeks. Edge of your seat stuff. Yonni deserves a special mention though ‘cause he cheated on his wife. A born entertainer that one.

Mara Louw.

Drunk on Idols, a racial slur here and there and, as always, the entire animal kingdom proudly on display on the dress, hat, costume she chose to bare every Sunday. Idols 7? Mara on stage with a bottle of Gin. I’m tuning in.

Lebohang Pheko and André Visagie.

Yes, Touch Me On My Studio happened this year. Some said it was scripted by a divinely gifted genius but we all know it came down to two South Africans hitting their straps as world class entertainers. It’s in our gene pants.

Our Dear Leader.

Kim Jong-il had his ups and downs in 2010. He stared death straight in the face and his bulging son/successor straight in the gut. He looked at stuff and appeared in HD. Never before has one man done so little to entertain so many. His is not a talent, it’s a gift.

Check out more of Our Dear Leader looking at things, here.

South Korea has responded by scrambling jets, and – no doubt – getting uncle Barrack on the phone.

May I remind you, North Korea has nuclear weapons, and they’ve probably never read any Tom Clancy novels – they don’t know how bad that stuff can get.

Get yer’ popcorn!

[Sources: Telegraph, AFP, Business Weekly]

They call it the “Hell March” and my God it is so clear. It’s so awesome. But if you think about it, that’s pretty much how Our Dear Leader rolls.

Right?

Watch it..

[thanks beau]

Mugabe?

Is that how Bob *ahem* rolls..?

I reckon it might be. I love the way it doesn’t need any other digits or letters – as if it is the first car in the world. All it has is a little Zim crest on the left. If that is really allowed then I might get a plate with a number one and a small palm tree on the left.

That’s what I’d do. You know, if I was a dictator.

Actually no – let’s get real. What about 100,000 teenage gymnasts spelling out your name using their bodies – like Kim Jong Il – now that’s power!

Let’s face it, Mugabe has failed at being a dictator. Kim Jong il must piss himself when someone mentions Mugabe. Can you imagine how he must have collapsed with laughter when he first heard about the “power sharing” deal Mugabe entered into?

Pathetic.

[thanks james]

Everyone knows Iran needs a steady supply of uranium to develop it’s peaceful nuclear energy-production. But the west is being all iffy about monitoring the grade and quantity of uranium that the Iranians can get their hands on.

Western governments have even gone so far as to implement sanctions against Iran.

Those guys are total buzzkills, right Mahmoud?

Anyhow, Little Dear (Kim Jong Il’s heir apparent) is a pretty media savvy bloke, being the first of his countrymen to make it onto the interwebs. Long story short, he pretty much pioneered North Korea’s uranium supply line. Dear Leader was so proud, he blabbed about it at brunch for a good forty minutes.

I know this, because I could hear him and Seth chatting through the basement ventilation grate.

Herewith, a stable supply of uranium for anyone, anywhere, and at minimal cost.

Amazon.com! Of course!

Aspiring dictators and most middle east nations, now YOU TOO can have a nuclear arsenal peaceful nuclear power production programme! Great success!

The North Korean football team, along with it’s entire complement of staff, were recently subjected to a “grand debate”, to discuss the tender matter of their ideological betrayal of their nation.

The players were hoofed up on stage, and the big daddys spanked them for about six hours.

I was actually there at the time. Kim invited Seth to award a few coal mining scholarships to toddlers with promising-looking hands, but he was unavailable, so I stepped into the breach.

I didn’t actually realise that this particular part of the programme was coordinated mass humiliation, though.

The players were subjected to a “grand debate” on July 2 because they failed in their “ideological struggle” to succeed in South Africa, Radio Free Asia and South Korean media reported.

The team’s coach, Kim Jong-hun, was reportedly forced to become a builder and has been expelled from the Workers’ Party of Korea.

The coach was punished for “betraying” Kim Jong-un – one of Supreme Leader Kim Jong-il’s sons and heir apparent.

The country, in its first World Cup since 1966, lost all three group games – including a 7-0 defeat to Portugal.

The broadcast of live games had been banned to avoid national embarrassment, but after the spirited 2-1 defeat to Brazil, state television made the Portugal game its first live sports broadcast ever.

Sure, I didn’t know what was going on, but now that I do, I say, “Good on ya, Kim Jong-un!” Little Dear (as we like to call him) is right on the money there.

I would say the DPRK’s venture to the World Cup was an abject failure on the ideology front. Not a single one of my friends has converted to communism. And as far as I know, Seth is still paying me. I mean, the fact that he pays me in chicken bones and cigarette burns is besides the point, I’m still earning an honest salary, which I’m free to invest if I like. And that’s capitalism.

And consider the side’s 7-0 loss to Korea. I didn’t see a single North Korean player approach any one of the Portuguese players or staff with the Workers Party manifesto. Did you? How will the world know the great treasures of the North Korean way of life if no one’s telling anyone else about it?

Think about THAT while you’re acting out “exhaustion”, Mr Coach Betrayer Man.

[Source : Telegraph]

Why thank you, VISA!

This is the first time North Korea has been in the World Cup since 1966! Coincidentally the same year as England’s last World Cup win. North Korea played well that year, but lost 3-5 in the quarter-finals against… you betcha, Portugal! That was the last time they played in a World Cup.

North Korea

vs.

Portugal

Live in Cape Town at 13h30, 21 June 2010

Intrigue in this highly secretive nation has already been partially satisfied this World Cup with two hilariously over-the-top stories already surfacing. The first, which might raise an eyebrow or two, is the confirmation by the North Korean coach, that he receives live gameplay instructions during the games from North Korean Eternal President, Kim Jong il. How does he do this, you ask? With an invisible telephone , that’s how! (A phone which Kim invented himself).

But wait, that’s nothing! there’s more..

The second beautiful little nugget was the report that North Korea hired Chinese actors to pretend to be North Korean fans at the World Cup. Now that I can believe – how else would the North Korean fans get there? They’d be promptly returned to North Korea and a life-time of hard labour as punishment! Such is the nature of life inside the single party state, where the majority have no idea of what is going on in the outside world.

There have already been a couple scares for FIFA, as reports were circulating that a couple players from the North Korean side had run away. They appeared the next day at training, but the notion of players trying to make a national side, in order to defect when competing overseas, is not uncommon. This is sometimes their only way out. You might recall the Tanzanian athletes who vanished during the Melbourne 2006 Commonwealth Games.

Our Dear Leader – Kim Jong il

That’s why I think we should all support North Korea. Even though “Our Dear Leader” is a dictator and has brainwashed his people, you have to give him credit for those human mosaic displays he gets them to do for him. You know, the ones where they spell out his name using 40,000 child gymnasts. I mean, come one, that’s pretty awesome, no? Look, I know it’s sad and all, but just picture your name being spelt out by humans! Wow! Not even an iPad can do that! Also, he is up against the whole of the Western World and might indulge in nuclear war against the United States – he needs all the support he can get!

But in all seriousness, if you forget about all of that for a second, it is quite wonderful to see a team like this actually make it to the World Cup. I mean, they’re here, for God’s sake! It really is incredible.

If you are as intrigued in this nation as I am, click on this YouTube video the next time you want to watch a DVD. Here it is, it’s an hour and more informative than anything you will ever find on the instanet. It’s called Welcome To North Korea.

Then, when you’re done with that, check out this quick clip of the yank who defected to North Korea for a number of years, and then came back. Glowing reports of Our Dear Leader…

Then, when you’re done with that, read these:

VICE guide to North Korea.

Escape From North Korea

Catch you at the game!

PS. If you tweet a pic of you and anything Portuguese to @vidaecaffe today, they will give you a free vda e caffe!

Claudia Schiffer pregnant with my child
on the cover of Vogue

Claudia Schiffer Poses Naked And Pregnant On Vogue Cover – Proudly showing off her growing baby bump, our favourite supermodel (of the “originals”) Claudia Schiffer poses nude for the June cover of Vogue Germany. Chanel designer Karl Lagerfeld shot the glowing mom in a pose that is nearly identical to Demi Moore’s infamous 1991 Vanity Fair cover in which the actress posed in the buff at seven-months pregnant. [nydailynews]

Cameron Is Great Britain’s New Prime Minister – In today’s second story, Britain’s new Prime Minister David Cameron has arrived at Downing Street after accepting the Queen’s request to form a new government. In his first speech as leader, he paid tribute to Gordon Brown. Mr Cameron arrived at Number 10 to a mixture of cheers and jeers from a crowd gathered on Millbank. He came straight from Buckingham Palace, corgis et al. [skynews]

The ANC Tribe Has Spoken: Malema Is The Weakest Link – Anger management classes, a political re-education, a public apology and R10,000. That’s what Julius Malema’s skirmish with party discipline is going to cost him. And if you told him he got off lightly, he’ll probably agree. Those were the terms of the plea-bargain he signed up for, after all. But we’re thinking Jacob Zuma can be satisfied with the outcome. [dailymaverick]

South African Born Cricketer, Kevin Pietersen, Is A Father – South African cricket fans will be pleased to learn that our very own Kevin Pietersen, who plays cricket with eight other South Africans in an 11-man team called “England,” has had a baby boy. Or rather, his wife has. “It’s my first child so it’s a hell of an exciting time for me,” the David Beckham pretender revealed before leaving the Caribbean. “I’ll be dashing across the Atlantic and hopefully dashing back.” Excellent. That’s really great. [hellomagazine]

Never Seen Before Pics Of The Rolling Stones – For six months in 1971, the Rolling Stones hunkered down in the basement of Villa Nellcôte, a seaside mansion in the South of France, and recorded Exile on Main Street, arguably one of the greatest albums in rock ‘n’ roll history. This month, Universal Music Group is re-releasing the iconic record (plus 10 new tracks) in tandem with a book of Exile-era snapshots taken by French photographer Dominique Tarlé, who bunked with the band that epic summer. [vanityfair]

Vanity Fair Comes To The iPad – Thanks Be To God - Aah, what wonderful news. The app for the June issue, which is expected to be available at the iTunes store starting Wednesday, will cost $4.99, the same price as a paper Vanity Fair. (Subsequent copies will cost $3.99.) It is part of a research push at Condé Nast, where the company is figuring out what works and what doesn’t on the iPad and other platforms. Well you can count me in, guys! [newyorktimes]

iPhone Credit Card Reader Lets You Accept Plastic Anywhere – Square, which launched Tuesday with iPhone and Android support, is a small, plastic cube about the size of two Chiclets. From its bottom side an audio connector plugs into the headphone port on your phone. A slot in the cube lets you pass a credit card through. When you do, a reader converts the data from the magnetic strip into an audio signal and passes it on to software on the phone. [wired]

Tiger Woods’ 11th Mistress Porno Nears Debut – Joslyn James‘ strip shows are no longer the raunchiest way to see one of Tiger Woods’ alleged porn star mistress. The adult actress, who says Woods twice impregnated her, is set to star in a new porn film that “will depict never-before-told intimate details of her three-year relationship with the golf champion.” The steamy film is called “The Eleventh Hole” and “will present the plot “in sensual and graphic terms.” Stunning! [huffers]

Marriage Stinks: Now There’s A Cure – A viral ad for a blanket made with activated carbon fabric to absorb the odour of flatulence has become an online hit, ananova.com reports. The campaign for the so-called Better Marriage Blanket has been viewed more than a million times on YouTube. The ad claims that the blanket, designed by Denver science teacher Francis Bibbo, is a “real solution to a very real problem”. [iol]

Mavis Was NOT Dancing To Jack Parow – A video has appeared on YouTube, featuring a domestic executive filmed by hidden camera. The DE is quietly going about her business, spraying Mr. Min on a table, with the plasma turned on in front. Jack Parow’s Dans Dans Dans comes on, and she completely loses it. I would like to place on record that, although Mavis has met Jack Parow, it was not her that featured in this video! [youtube]

Lindsay And Avril Come To Blows – The actress has now got a feud going with Sk8er Boi singer, Avril Lavigne after the pair came to blows at Chateau Marmont. “Avril was at a table with friends, when Lindsay came over to say hi. But as soon as she approached, Avril launched at her and said: ‘Get the hell out of my face, you are fake, you are a loser. I don’t like false people. Stay away from me and my friends.’ “So Lindsay screamed back: ‘Don’t threaten me!’ and then stormed off to security to kick Avril out.” Charming. [entertainmentwise]

Kim Jong il Mixes Extreme Luxury With Safety – Our Dear Leader should never have to explain himself, nor should he be restricted by the lack of any creature comforts that might hamper his glorious..ness. And that is exactly why he travels by train, slowly, at night. With two Mercedes-Benzes on board, and enough lobster and Cases of Bordeaux and Beaujolais to kill a civilian. May his powers and awesomeness never die. [latimes]

Will.i.am Pays Off Mortgages For Two Families Facing Foreclosure – When two struggling families appeared as guests on The Oprah Winfrey Show to talk about the home foreclosures they were facing, they had no idea a surprise guest would make their problems disappear. To the surprise of both families, Black Eyed Peas star Will.i.am stepped forward to pay the $350,000 owed by the Ellers and the Allgoods, Oprah.com reports. [huffpo]

Playboy to Publish Naked 3D Centerfold – “What would people most like to see in 3D? Probably a naked lady.” Those are the words of Playboy founder Hugh Hefner, whose magazine will soon include a centerfold playmate photographed naked and in 3D.The 3D centerfold will appear in the June issue, which hits newsstands this Friday with 3D glasses included. The subject of the photos is 51st Playmate of the Year Hope Dworaczyk. Hating that. [mashable]

Why The WC WAGs Won’t Have Our Angels Shaking In Their Stilettos – “As avid readers of this “SA-positive” blog will freely tell you, I seldom post about glamour. I like to keep it real. OK, so I might make a rare exception when my close friend Genevieve Morton, when she’s not palpitating the hearts of the world’s photographers, pops around. But more of Gen later.Yes, unlike another good friend Seth Rotherham of 2oceansvibe infamy, I’m not very into glamour. Let’s immediately get down to changing that.” [fredhatman]

[thanks nick]

As an admirer of Our Dear Leader, Kim Jong il, it comes as no surprise that his successes and achievements have stretched even further, this time into the world of fashion. Only a man of supreme awesomeness could so effortlessly become a symbol of sartorial elegance without even trying.

Kim Jong il – smooth
Click pic to enlarge (great desktop wallpaper)

Check it out:

N.Korea leader sets world fashion trend: Pyongyang

The trademark suit sported by North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il is now in fashion worldwide thanks to his greatness, Pyongyang’s official website said Wednesday.

Uriminzokkiri, quoting an article in communist party newspaper Rodong Sinmun, said the modest-looking suits have gripped people’s imagination and become a global vogue.

“The reason is that the august image of the Great General, who is always wearing the modest suit while working, leaves a deep impression on people’s mind in the world,” it said.

Kim Jong-Il in his trademark grey anorak

“To sum it up, that is because his image as a great man is so outstanding.”

The article quoted an unidentified French fashion expert as saying world fashion follows Kim Jong-Il’s style.

“Kim Jong-Il mode which is now spreading expeditiously worldwide is something unprecedented in the world’s history,” the stylist was quoted as saying.

The suits consist of an overall-style zipped-up tunic and matching trousers, usually in khaki or blueish-grey. The 68-year-old leader wears them even when receiving foreign dignitaries.

Iconic..

During his outside “field guidance” trips in winter, he also dons a shapeless anorak and fur hat.

Kim and his deceased father Kim Il-Sung are at the heart of a personality cult that borders on religion, with near-magical powers ascribed to the younger Kim.

Rainbows supposedly appeared over sacred Mount Paekdu where Kim Jong-Il was allegedly born, and he is said once to have scored 11 holes-in-one in a single round of golf.

[more here]

It’s true about that golf game, by the way. Just read here .

He’s just too cool. I have to admit that The Great Commander is the sole reason I became obsessed with sunglasses. For years I have tried to emulate his effortless style, scanning the racks at Sunglass Hut, dreaming of finding the same pairs of shades that he wears. I have come up trumps on numerous occasions, and it feels good.

Purple lenses – this guy is in another league..

Thank you, Dear Leader, for your inspiring style and coolness. Something that we can only admire and vaguely attempt to imitate.

You are our fashion icon.

CLICK HERE to download Kim Jong il’s official biography (PDF).

[thanks simon]

Good heavens! I think a little thank you would be more appropriate.

Our Dear Leader – Kim Jong il

The New York Times reports:

An American man who was arrested in North Korea for illegal entry was sentenced to eight years of hard labor, the North’s state-run news agency reported on Wednesday.

The American, Aijalon Mahli Gomes, a 30-year-old from Boston, was also fined 70 million North Korean won in the sentence given on Tuesday, said the Korean Central News Agency. Under the North’s official exchange rate, the fine amounts to $700,000.

Mr. Gomes was convicted of illegal entry and “hostile acts” against North Korea, it said, without elaborating. Incarceration in a harsh labor camp is a common form of criminal punishment in North Korea.

Mr. Gomes’s former colleagues and friends in South Korea say that he was a devout Christan and very likely crossed into North Korea in support of Robert Park, a Korean-American missionary who entered North Korea illegally on Dec. 25 to call for Mr. Kim, the North Korean leader, to end human rights abuses.

Before his travel to North Korea, Mr. Gomes, an English teacher in South Korea, attended at least two rallies in South Korea calling for Mr. Park’s release.

[more]

Oh shame, did poor little diddums get caught? Please, give me a break. It’s like those mules who get caught smuggling drugs and the family appeals for their release, claiming they were desperate and only did it once. Too late, she cried!

Whatever. This guy is obviously a shit stirring religious nut who hasn’t done any research into Kim Jong il. People are very quick to forget that his birth at Baekdu Mountain was foretold by a swallow, and heralded by the appearance of a double rainbow over the mountain and a new star in the heavens.

Did we all just choose to forget about the new star? Hahahaha! God, you are all so naive..

This is how we roll in North Korea

Our Dear Leader knows what he is doing and you should thank YOUR lucky stars that you weren’t killed, Mr. Gomes. The Supreme Leader has showed unprecedented compassion and leniency in this case and you should ENJOY your eight years of hard labour. If he had called me up for advice (which he often does) I would have recommended a MINIMUM of 10 years.

I love the way everyone focuses on the “negative” sides of things, but no-one seems to highlight the good things. For example, were you aware that Kim Jong Il was awarded the Grand National Cross, the highest order of Senegal, by Abdoulaye Wade, president of Senegal? Probably not – you can read about that right here, at the Koren Central News Agency.

And, oh, I’m sorry, why aren’t the American’s getting rid of their nuclear weapons? Instead of giving our Divine Commander such a hard time? More about that here.

Not a day goes past that I don’t give thanks to our Dear Leader.

He has given us so much, and yet we give him so little.

Let us dedicate everything we do today, that is good, to him.

[thanks nico]

And don’t you forget it!

By the way, not sure if you caught the recent story on the Korean Central News Association’s website, entitled “Japan’s True Colours as N. Accomplice Stripped Naked.”

The article again proves how mighty and correct Kim Jong il is in everything he does and that we may have no option but to launch nuclear weapons against the US.

If I may:

Japan’s True Colors as N. Accomplice Stripped Naked
Pyongyang, March 23 (KCNA)

The government of Hatoyama some days ago officially admitted the secret nuclear pact between Japan and the U.S., thus proving the criminal acts the forces of the Liberal Democratic Party committed by deceiving the world under the veil of the “three non-nuclear principles” in the past to be undeniable historical facts.

Rodong Sinmun Tuesday observes in a signed commentary carried in this regard:

The conclusion drawn from the recently disclosed documents of the secret nuclear pact between Japan and the U.S. is that the forces of the LDP of Japan are the warlike forces who have persistently pursued the nuclear ambition since the end of the war and the documents secretly worked out by them with the U.S. are criminal documents on a nuclear war related to the use of nuclear weapons in “contingency” on the Korean Peninsula, to all intents and purposes.

The Japanese militarists are set to achieve at any cost their criminal purpose with a nuclear stick any time as they are keen to launch reinvasion, blinded with extreme revengeful thoughts and ambition for overseas expansion.

Its spearhead is directed to the DPRK. This is evidenced by the fact that the above-said documents contain clauses allowing the U.S. forces to use the bases in Japan and the U.S. forces’ warships with nukes on board to make portcalls on Japan and transit through its territorial waters in “contingency” on the peninsula.

The DPRK cannot but take a serious note of the fact that the U.S. has sought a chance to mount a preemptive nuclear attack on the DPRK by using south Korea and Japan as its nuclear outposts.

The U.S. seeks to use Japan as an operational, logistic and sortie base and a base for nuclear attacks on the DPRK and other Asian countries in a bid to seize the whole of Korea by provoking another Korean war and establish its domination over Asia.

This is the very reason why the U.S. imperialists deployed a huge number of nuclear weapons in south Korea and Japan and signed a secret pact with their junior ally.

The U.S. imperialists are staging ceaseless war exercises of various forms in south Korea and Japan by mobilizing nuclear forces, making constant nuclear blackmail against the DPRK.

The DPRK is left with no option but to bolster up its nuclear deterrent for self-defence, a treasured sword for defending the sovereignty of the country and the nation, so long as it remains exposed to the enemies’ constant nuclear threat and the danger of their preemptive nuclear attack on it.

[click here to stay in touch with Our Dear Leader's news service]

Ja…and there you have it.

And it’s FACT, because it’s printed by the Korean Central News Association.

Excuse me, I need to prepare..

[thanks grant]

Kim Jong il – Our Dear Leader

This, from The Winchester Whisperer:

Tens of thousands of flowers have been assembled in North Korea to celebrate Kim Jong Il’s birthday today. North Korea says he is 68, overseas experts claim he’s 69 and that the NK government has fiddled the figures so that his “70th” birthday in 2012 will coincide with the 100th anniversary of his father’s birth. Both he and his father have used flowers as symbols of their leadership. His father, Kim Il Sung, received a hybrid orchid from the Indonesian President Sukarno in 1965 and he named it “Kimilsungia”. Kim Jong Il was given a begonia in 1988 which, of course, he named “Kimjongilia”. There was consternation earlier this year when a Japanese botanist called Mototeru Kamo sent Kim Jong Il’s youngest son, Kim Jong Un a new breed of begonia on his birthday on 8 January. Did this signify that a handover is being prepared? As yet there has been no announcement that this flower has been named “Kimjongunia”.

Absolutely awesome!

Stunning scenes at a ball celebrating
our leader Kim Jong-il’s 68th birthday in Pyongyang

The whole of 2oceansvibe stands at attention and then join to raise a toast to the glorious warrior and look forward to a wonderful 2010 under his command!

Happy birthday, Dear Leader!

We love and worship you very very much.

xxx

Aaah, God – that was great!

[thanks michael]

Possibly the worst looking movie I have ever seen in my life. Including powerhouse acting performances by household names Lorenzo Lamas and Deborah Gibson !!

Oh, you don’t remember Lorenzo Lamas? My god, where have you BEEN!? Well let me just bring you up to speed. He was probably best known for playing Lance Cumson (no spice) on the popular 1980s soap opera Falcon Crest, as well as Hector Ramirez on The Bold andThe Beautiful.

Have a quick look at this..

It’s silly.

They’re just being silly.

Surely?

It should be mentioned that Dave from Caprice was also in the South of France a couple weeks back and actually SAW Ridge Forrester!

No spice.

You can ask him.

[thanks jan]

Kim Jong Il
in a state of undress.
This particular photo has
nothing to do with this story

Ok, so urgently check out this latest article I found on the Korean Central News Agency‘s website:

Revenge-vowing Meeting of Young People Held

Pyongyang, June 23 (KCNA) — A revenge-vowing meeting of school youth and children was held in Sinchon County, South Hwanghae Province of the DPRK on June 22 on the occasion of “June 25 the day of the struggle against U.S. imperialism.”

Reporter and speakers at the meeting recalled that after provoking a war of aggression on the DPRK the U.S. imperialists had massacred people without distinction of age or sex in the most brutal way that would make even beasts blush with shame.

They, on behalf of all the school youth and children, bitterly denounced the U.S. imperialists, sworn enemy of the Korean people, saying that every part of the country, including Sinchon County, is permeated with the Korean people’s resentment toward the U.S. imperialists and the departed souls of many people mercilessly killed by the Yankee wolves are still furiously crying out for a thousand-fold revenge upon the Yankees.

More than half a century has passed since the ceasefire of the war, but U.S. imperialism remains unchanged in its aggressive nature, they said, noting that the U.S. imperialists persisting in the hostile policy towards the DPRK cooked up the UNSC’s “resolution on sanctions,” thus leading the situation of the Korean Peninsula to the brink of war.

They warned that the aggressors would only face merciless punishment as long as there are the invincible revolutionary armed forces guided by Kim Jong Il, the great brilliant commander of Songun, and equipped with strong nuclear deterrent and the school youth and children and people with burning hatred against the enemies.

Pretty awesome, hey? That is the kind of stuff that his people are bombarded with every day. And you thought we had problems!?

My personal highlights included:

• The U.S. imperialists had massacred people without distinction of age or sex in the most brutal way that would make even beasts blush with shame.
• The whole of the third paragraph :
  They, on behalf of all the school youth and children, bitterly denounced the U.S. imperialists, sworn enemy of the Korean people, saying that every part of the country, including Sinchon County, is permeated with the Korean people’s resentment toward the U.S. imperialists and the departed souls of many people mercilessly killed by the Yankee wolves are still furiously crying out for a thousand-fold revenge upon the Yankees.
• The whole of the last paragraph
  The aggressors would only face merciless punishment as long as there are the invincible revolutionary armed forces guided by Kim Jong Il, the great brilliant commander of Songun, and equipped with strong nuclear deterrent and the school youth and children and people with burning hatred against the enemies.

It’s basically the whole thing. The whole thing is amazing.

Find your own hilarious articles. Amaze your friends. CLICK HERE for the Korean Central News Agency of DPRK website.

Or click here for our past articles about Kim Jong Il.

You know why? Oh, they were accused of entering the country illegally and committing “hostile acts.”

That’ll do it.

So Hillary is sending out messages to North Korea, appealing for amnesty. And while she’s doing this, she is hoping to God that Kim Jong Il is not connecting this incident to his nuclear weapons agenda.

Good luck with that, Hillary.

So it’s a delicate vibe Hillary is throwing and the New York Times agrees that the arrested journalists needs to be kept seperate from that of Kim Jong Il‘s nuclear aspirations and The U.S.’s increasing dissent thereof.

Her comments on Friday appear to reflect a changing picture that has been complicated by the North’s test of a nuclear missile in May and its decision to fire seven ballistic missiles into the Sea of Japan on the Fourth of July.

Mrs. Clinton’s comments during a town-hall-style meeting at the State Department came in response to an employee who did not identify herself, creating the appearance that the question was planted in an attempt to send a message to North Korea.

Experts said that Mrs. Clinton appeared to be trying to keep the issue of the journalists separate from the conflict over the North’s nuclear ambitions.

“It’s clear to me they don’t want this tail to wag the nuclear dog,” said Michael Green, a top Asia expert for former President George W. Bush. “They are trying to keep it in a separate lane.”

But Mr. Green said the North was unlikely to release the women without getting something in return. Although North Korea does not expect the Obama administration to abandon its effort to impose sanctions on the North for its recent nuclear test, he said, it is likely to want a “high-profile visit” by an administration official to demonstrate that “it’s possible to return to business as usual.”

Well they should go straight to Kim Jon Il‘s online mouthpiece, The Central Koren News Agency (go there – it’s amazing) and they will realise that he sees the arrest of the journo’s and his nuclear shinanigans in EXACTLY the same “lane”!

The quicklinks on the front page say it all.

Kim Jon Il
1 X Amazing

This, a recent news report I found under their “Trial of American journalists” quicklink on their front page (you need to spend some time cruising around that website – trust me) which says it all.

KCNA Detailed Report on Truth about Crimes Committed by American Journalists

Pyongyang, June 16 (KCNA) — The Korean Central News Agency on Tuesday released a detailed report laying bare the facts about the crimes committed by the American journalists who were arrested for having illegally trespassed into the border of the DPRK and committed hostile acts against it for which they were tried.

According to it, at dawn of March 17 unidentified two men and two women covertly crossed the River Tuman to intrude into its bank of the DPRK side in Kangan-ri, Onsong County, North Hamgyong Province. The two women were arrested on the spot.

The arrestees were confirmed to be Chinese-American Laura Ling, 32, correspondent of the Current TV, and south Korean-American Seung-Un Lee, 36, editor of the Current TV.

The investigation proved that the intruders crossed the border and committed the crime for the purpose of making animation files to be used for an anti-DPRK smear campaign over its human rights issue.

The preliminary investigation proved that they had a confab on producing and broadcasting a documentary slandering the DPRK with Mitch Koss, executive producer of programming of the Current TV, David Neuman, president of programming, and David Harleston, head of the Legal Department of Current TV, and other men in Los Angeles, U.S. in January.

A trial of the accused was held at the Pyongyang City Court from June 4 to 8.

At the trial the accused admitted that what they did were criminal acts committed, prompted by the political motive to isolate and stifle the socialist system of the DPRK by faking up moving images aimed at falsifying its human rights performance and hurling slanders and calumnies at it. [I enjoyed "faking up"]

In the name of the DPRK the Central Court determined ten years of hard labor according to Provision 69 of the Criminal Code and four years of hard labor according to Provision 233 of the Criminal Code for the accused Laura Ling and Seung-Un Lee and sentenced them to 12 years of hard labor according to Provision 44 of the Criminal Code.

The prison term is counted from March 22, 2009, when the accused were detained and it was pronounced that the judgment is unappealable.

The criminals admitted and accepted the judgment.

We are following with a high degree of vigilance the attitude of the U.S. which spawned the criminal act against the DPRK.

Did you enjoy the last paragraph!!???

That line is DIRECTLY from Kim Jong Il himself. I swear he talks to the West through The Central Korean News Agency. That’s like Twitter, for him.

He’s saying that this little incident (if there ever really was one) was a direct criminal act by the USA against North Korea (Democratic People’s Republic of Korea).

And by “attitude of the US,” he is referring to the anger they (The US) are expressing as he tests his warheads and plays nuclear-nuclear.

Why do you think the only other Quicklink on their front page (alongside the quicklink going to “Trial of American Journalists“) is “Nuclear Test?”

It’s one of three things. He’s either going to keep the journalists while he completes his nuclear testing. Or he is going to force someone senior from The US to go to North Korea and kiss his ass (he’ll spin this one to seem as though Obama himself came to beg for nuclear mercy). Or he’ll strap the journalists to the end of a nuclear warhead and fire it over to them – thus creating the ripple effect which will, ultimately, lead to the end of the world as we know it.

Click here to read past 2OV articles about the amazingness that is Kim Jon Il.