2oceans Vibe

WHAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

[thanks charl]

Following on seamlessly from our article about the iPod toilet paper dispenser, comes this little beaut, sent in by Dom P.

You what?

Notice how uncomfortable the silhouetted man seems in the image. The wire – annoying. And when he needs to finish off, what does he do with the iPod in his hand?

He What? He holds it in his other hand?

No my friend, if you’re doing it properly, you need two hands free.

That is why the iPod toilet roll dispenser is essential!

Although this T-shirt does get a rating of “awesome.”

I have a feeling some of you haven’t fully “perused” the links to other websites and friends of 2oceansvibe. If you make your way to the left menu and cruise down towards the arse end of that, you’ll notice a list of “links.” Those are them. check them out.

So anyway, I was doing a whip through them today and spotted an incredible little article on our Afrikaans brothers’ website – WatKykJy.co.za referring to the latest Idols drama that has been unfolding.

www.watkykjy.co.za

It’s incredible how descriptive they can be, given the language only has 300 known words.

Idols se Randal Abrahams en Dave Thomson Google hulleself stukkend…

Ek gaan nou nie die hele storie oorvertel nie, so jy kan ‘n draai gaan maak by Seth Rotherham se blog. Hy het vir my sy embedded code gegee vir sy fokken snaakse video waar hy die Idols judges, Randal en Dave uithaal.

Dit kom basically daarop neer dat die high en mighty Idols judges (volgens Seth) hulleself Google om te kyk of iemand kak praat oor hulle en dan actually tyd mors om e-mails aan mense met blogs te stuur om hulleself te verdedig. Mense met blogs wat deur fokken baie mense gelees word, elke dag. Wêreldwyd. Randal daag Seth ook verder uit vir ‘n face to face meeting. Hier is Seth se video response. Ek wed julle R20 hierdie video gaan op Idols gewys word een of ander tyd. Dit kan nie anders nie. Dis kak snaaks.

Ek dink die val van daai mighty high horse af gaan fokken seer wees.

I just ADORE the blending back and forth between English and Afrikaans.

“Ek dink die val van daai mighty high horse af gaan fokken seer wees. “

“Randal daag Seth ook verder uit vir ‘n face to face meeting”

But they had me at “fokken snaakse video.”

Thanks for the mention, boys.

Al die beste,

Seth

If you find yourself in a pickle and something won’t work, ALL you need to do is follow this little flow diagram.

And to answer your question, NO I didn’t think I would ever utter the word “flow diagram” on this website.

But I’ must say, I’m glad I did.

See what they did here?

110% ANAL

Very good.

They sell them (and many other hilarious signs) at that shop next to Miss K in Green Point, by the way.

What, you haven’t been to Miss K !?

[muffled laughter]

Christ, that’s emboerrissing..

It is not nasty to laugh at this story. Although she is upset, the sheer brilliance of it outweighs her sadness..

Bwaaahaha!

Whilst I’m sure they’re doing their bit for upliftment and all that, they might want look into employing people with a minimum of a standard 3 to write out their in-store signs and promotions.

Or maybe even get a manager with a standard 6 to oversee those people.

This, spotted in Pick ‘n Pay – Rosebank Mall, Johannesburg.

Cudbury Lunch Bar
only R4.99

We cannot confirm if the people that make the Pick ‘n Pay signs have anything to do with the people that make the road signs in Noordhoek (below). But there definitely seems to be a connection of sorts.

[thanks paul]

This one really tickled me. Sent in by a loyal reader.

The guys who put up signs in Noordhoek have clearly been having one too many pots at The Toad before they head off to work!

Very graceful baboons
Now available in Noordhoek

I’d get on the blower to Noordhoek mayor “The Insurance Broker” and his deputy, “The Character Formerly Known as The Loose Forward” ASAP and get this sorted out before someone gets hurt.

This Gumtree ad has been spotted and should attract the right candidate as a starting point to “living the holiday.”

Finally, an end to the corporate world you are getting so tired of!

For me the best part is without a doubt the last line – “No chancers please.”

I wonder what would constitute a chancer? Someone who can’t get “falling down drunk” and still drink the next day?

Stunning. This ad is JUST stunning!

[thanks fergus]

This little clip was taking by security cameras in a dealership in Hatfield (I’m guessing Pretoria??). The young lady driving the car got her license two days earlier and is seen here driving her car out of the dealership a couple months back.

I have a feeling you’ll enjoy this. It almost feels like you’re in the car but have no control over what happens.

CLICK HERE for more 2oceansvibe TV

Don’t you just LOVE how she managed to get it right at the very end and turn the car left?

And the fact that no-one hit her?

Play it again and appreciate the drop she did from the dealership road down to the main traffic. Jeepers Hudders!

It’s amazing how long she went without using the brake or hand brake.

Or the steering wheel.

What was she doing in there?!

We’ve had a good response so far, following the Butlers Pizza video we ran on 2oceansvibe TV. It cost R500 to get a driver to deliver to Hermanus and we’re told it will cost you R50 to get your Butler to change a light bulb.

I’m sure there are tons more, but, for now, I thought you might enjoy this little snippet from an ex-Butler, Chris M:

Hey Seth,

I was having a good read and catch up on your blog this evening, I saw the Erni Hermanus video, what a classic! I worked with Erni for a really long time! I think I topped out around 8,000 deliveries if I remember correctly and was Head Butler at the Rondebosch Branch. Anyway, the reason I wanted to email you is that I once got paid R800 to do a strip show for 4 ladies, they each had R200 and were having a ladies night, so they asked that I dance to a song and strip down to my underwear, leaving my bow tie on and in return they’d each put 200 bux in my jocks – Man, I tell you, it was the funniest thing I ever did whilst working there and the biggest tip I ever got!

Good times!

Chris M

Good times, indeed! So there you go, R800 will get you a strip show!

Keep sending in stories about what YOUR Butler did for you and how much you had to shell out for the pleasure! And if you’re getting him to do something for the first time, take a pic!

Send to editor@2oceansvibe.com

Check out the award winning iMod blog run by aforementioned driver, Chris M.

[thanks lauren]

For those of you who have not been educated in the way of the slang word, today is your lucky day. Because today you are going to learn about one of the greatest urban expressions of our time : “MUFFIN TOP”

Let me explain. You know the way muffins bake and hang over the top of the container? Like this..

Your basic muffin

Ja, that’s the one.

Now, you know when people wear shorts or pants or skirts which are slightly too tight for them, causing their flesh to hang/bulge out, over the waistline?

That, my friends, is what we call “Muffin Top.”

How incredibly awesome is that phrase? Let’s take a look..

An excellent example of “Muffin Top”

This little jargon gem is spreading fast around Cape Town and it was my pleasure educating you as to it’s use and meaning.

It’s actually recognised as one of the best slang phrases ever.

This, according to Wikipedia:

“Muffin-top” is a generally pejorative slang term used to describe the phenomenon of overhanging flesh when it spills over the waistline of pants or skirt in a manner that resembles the top of a muffin spilling over its paper casing. This generally occurs when an individual wears low-rise, hip-hugger pants, or midriff-baring tops that are too small.

Origin: Muffin-top originated as Australian slang in mid-2003, but has since become popular in other English-speaking countries. It may have been first popularized by the Australian television show Kath & Kim. Australia’s Macquarie Dictionary named “muffin-top” the word of the year in 2006; the American Dialect Society named it one of the “most creative” new terms that same year.

Now you’ll know what it means when someone says, “She looks pretty good, but I’m only going to call it when she gets a little closer. I’ve got a feeling she might have a bit too much “Muffin Top” going on..”

Or, better yet, use it yourself and increase your coolness by at LEAST 15%.

Now that you know what the term means, I insist that you watch the Lifesavers commercial which could very well cause you to piss yourself.

Hey?

How good was that?

Keep smiling..

[thanks clare]

Apparently it’s up for a Loerie..

[thanks mark]

Source : The Telegraph

Virgin: the world’s best passenger complaint letter?

Here we reproduce a complaint letter sent to Sir Richard Branson, which is currently being emailed globally and is considered by many to be the world’s funniest passenger complaint letter.

See the rest of the pics here

Dear Mr Branson

REF: Mumbai to Heathrow 7th December 2008

I love the Virgin brand, I really do which is why I continue to use it despite a series of unfortunate incidents over the last few years. This latest incident takes the biscuit.

Ironically, by the end of the flight I would have gladly paid over a thousand rupees for a single biscuit following the culinary journey of hell I was subjected to at thehands of your corporation.

Look at this Richard. Just look at it: [see image 1, above].

I imagine the same questions are racing through your brilliant mind as were racing through mine on that fateful day. What is this? Why have I been given it? What have I done to deserve this? And, which one is the starter, which one is the desert?

You don’t get to a position like yours Richard with anything less than a generous sprinkling of observational power so I KNOW you will have spotted the tomato next to the two yellow shafts of sponge on the left. Yes, it’s next to the sponge shaft without the green paste. That’s got to be the clue hasn’t it. No sane person would serve a desert with a tomato would they. Well answer me this Richard, what sort of animal would serve a desert with peas in: [see image 2, above].

I know it looks like a baaji but it’s in custard Richard, custard. It must be the pudding. Well you’ll be fascinated to hear that it wasn’t custard. It was a sour gel with a clear oil on top. It’s only redeeming feature was that it managed to be so alien to my palette that it took away the taste of the curry emanating from our miscellaneous central cuboid of beige matter. Perhaps the meal on the left might be the desert after all.

Anyway, this is all irrelevant at the moment. I was raised strictly but neatly by my parents and if they knew I had started desert before the main course, a sponge shaft would be the least of my worries. So lets peel back the tin-foil on the main dish and see what’s on offer.

I’ll try and explain how this felt. Imagine being a twelve year old boy Richard. Now imagine it’s Christmas morning and you’re sat their with your final present to open. It’s a big one, and you know what it is. It’s that Goodmans stereo you picked out the catalogue and wrote to Santa about.

Only you open the present and it’s not in there. It’s your hamster Richard. It’s your hamster in the box and it’s not breathing. That’s how I felt when I peeled back the foil and saw this: [see image 3, above].

Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking it’s more of that Baaji custard. I admit I thought the same too, but no. It’s mustard Richard. MUSTARD. More mustard than any man could consume in a month. On the left we have a piece of broccoli and some peppers in a brown glue-like oil and on the right the chef had prepared some mashed potato. The potato masher had obviously broken and so it was decided the next best thing would be to pass the potatoes through the digestive tract of a bird.

Once it was regurgitated it was clearly then blended and mixed with a bit of mustard. Everybody likes a bit of mustard Richard.

By now I was actually starting to feel a little hypoglycaemic. I needed a sugar hit. Luckily there was a small cookie provided. It had caught my eye earlier due to it’s baffling presentation: [see image 4, above].

It appears to be in an evidence bag from the scene of a crime. A CRIME AGAINST BLOODY COOKING. Either that or some sort of back-street underground cookie, purchased off a gun-toting maniac high on his own supply of yeast. You certainly wouldn’t want to be caught carrying one of these through customs. Imagine biting into a piece of brass Richard. That would be softer on the teeth than the specimen above.

I was exhausted. All I wanted to do was relax but obviously I had to sit with that mess in front of me for half an hour. I swear the sponge shafts moved at one point.

Once cleared, I decided to relax with a bit of your world-famous onboard entertainment. I switched it on: [see image 5, above].

I apologise for the quality of the photo, it’s just it was incredibly hard to capture Boris Johnson’s face through the flickering white lines running up and down the screen. Perhaps it would be better on another channel: [see image 6, above].

Is that Ray Liotta? A question I found myself asking over and over again throughout the gruelling half-hour I attempted to watch the film like this. After that I switched off. I’d had enough. I was the hungriest I’d been in my adult life and I had a splitting headache from squinting at a crackling screen.

My only option was to simply stare at the seat in front and wait for either food, or sleep. Neither came for an incredibly long time. But when it did it surpassed my wildest expectations: [see image 7, above].

Yes! It’s another crime-scene cookie. Only this time you dunk it in the white stuff.

Richard…. What is that white stuff? It looked like it was going to be yoghurt. It finally dawned on me what it was after staring at it. It was a mixture between the Baaji custard and the Mustard sauce. It reminded me of my first week at university. I had overheard that you could make a drink by mixing vodka and refreshers. I lied to my new friends and told them I’d done it loads of times. When I attempted to make the drink in a big bowl it formed a cheese Richard, a cheese. That cheese looked a lot like your baaji-mustard.

So that was that Richard. I didn’t eat a bloody thing. My only question is: How can you live like this? I can’t imagine what dinner round your house is like, it must be like something out of a nature documentary.

As I said at the start I love your brand, I really do. It’s just a shame such a simple thing could bring it crashing to it’s knees and begging for sustenance.

Yours Sincererly

XXXX

[thanks herbert]

Lovely little piece of stuff this.

The following “when I grow up” picture was drawn by a kid at school, marked, and brought home for Mommy to see.

The picture came back to school the next day with a note from the mother to the teacher.

Dear Ms. Davis,

I want to be very clear on my child’s illustration. It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint with people offering money.

I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm.

This drawing is of me…. selling a shovel.

Mrs. Harrington

That, my friends, is what we call “quality.”

[thanks peter]

You do know about this site, don’t you?

Be there now – http://failblog.org/

[thanks trav]

I love it!

[thanks jason]

A number of people have emailed me this video so I thought I’d pop up the YouTube clip, rather than receiving anymore 3Mb files. You do know that 90% of the clips people send around are also available on Youtube, right?

No problem.

Ok, this is pretty hysterical. It features a particularly overweight gent dancing to Beyonce’s latest hit Single Ladies.

Please enjoy this poor guy..

CLICK HERE if that don’t work

Now the big thing that struck me here is the guy actually got most of Beyonce’s moves from her video SPOT ON!

Compare for yourself. Watch the above clip first and then this one.

It should be mentioned that Beyonce’s video has been watched over 30 million times, whilst fatty boom boom’s video has only enjoyed 840,000 views.

I trust that was a good start to your weekend..

Fair enough..

[thanks nicholas]