We haven’t checked in on Paris Hilton since she handed out perfume and throw pillows to earthquake victims near Mexico City.
Well, she’s back and bringing her own personal brand of ditziness to food preparation in a show called Cooking with Paris.
VICE describes it as “either a brilliant piece of performance art or a cautionary tale about what can go wrong when you believe in yourself”.
I think it’s a bit of both.
The opening line tells you everything that you need to know, if you know, those who do know, know:
“As you all know—well, maybe not all of you know—people who do know, know that I’m an amazing cook”
The proof is in the lasagne:
You will have noticed that apart from a list of ingredients that flash across the screen at the start – somewhere between the confusion you felt at the fingerless gloves and the small rat-like animal she referred to as ‘Baby Diamond’ – Paris doesn’t actually give you any of the information you need to make the lasagne.
You know, like measurements.
The last time that Paris cooked anything on TV, it was a slice of bacon on The Simple Life.
But she’s clearly grown as a person in the almost two decades since that reality show premiered—like, she’s carrying her chihuahua with her hands now, instead of at the bottom of an oversized handbag.
So that’s what that thing was – a chihuahua.
Back to the lasagne. According to VICE, this is what you’ll need if you want to make this dish at home:
- Meat, or “any alternative you prefer”, Any meat, who cares, we’re all going to die.
- At least five novelty dish towels, arranged carefully on the countertop so that your guests know that you’re allergic to bullshit, in the same way that you’re allergic to shellfish.
- One box of Barilla-brand lasagna. Pronounce it “Burla”, as Hilton does.
- More ricotta cheese than any one person should eat in their lifetime. “Don’t use this much ricotta cheese,” Hilton warns, as she uses all of the ricotta cheese.
- One large ladle, for stirring the ricotta cheese
- One lettuce knife, also for stirring the ricotta cheese
- A sense of wonder about the sheer number of cheeses that are available on the open market (“There’s like so many different types,” she says. “It’s not normal, but it’s cool”)
We’ll leave it there, but it’s worth heading on over to the full article for the rest of the instructions.
All you need to know is that something vaguely resembling a lasagne does appear at the end of the video.
Will I be watching this show again? Probably.
Does Paris Hilton still sound like the love child of privilege and Xanax?
It’s nice to know that some things never change.
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