Uugh… only… one… more…movie…to…go…
The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 1 (and…breathe) is upon us and those admirably awesome geeks at io9 have scoured the darkets pits of electronic bay to unearth the Twilight merchandise your collection is sorely missing.
Here’s five of the most exciting items we feel you need in your (after)life (ugh! -Ed). There is truly a piece of Twilight out there to suit every… er, taste:
My Little Twilight Pony
A limited edition release from My Little Pony producers Hasbro, featuring deathly pale skin, luxurious flowing locks and your heroes’ faces decal’d onto the horse’s ass. No further comment.
Twilight Glitter Hair Straightener
How does Edward Cullen maintain his silky super-do in the face of all kinds of supernatural onslaught? Here’s how. Now your hair can also sport the same pale, lifeless shimmer that RPattz dragged around for four movies, and all from the basement of your mom’s house, where you are no doubt living!
Team Edward Body Pillow
No matter if you stay in frosty Forks, WA or anywhere the Twilight phenomenon has stretched its creepy sparkly undead fingers, the nights can be cold and lonely! Not if you have the loving, foam-filled face of your Edward close by you all night long. Pillows are fully machine washable, stain-resistant and also available in Team Jacob, if doggy style is more your thing! (too much -Ed)
Twilight Face Soap
Here’s a range of scented soaps, complete with the faces of your favourite Twilight stars imprinted on them. Perfect for some good, clean alone time. Additionally, the soaps are glow-in-the-dark… you know, since you’ll be bathing in a… darkened bathroom…? Okay, what the hell! Next!
Twilight Glitter Lube
This one comes personally endorsed by Robert Pattinson himself, who boasts that he’s spent hours with this wonderful gunk clinging to his porcelain skin, and never regretted a minute of it. The lube itself if water-based, but good luck getting the glitter to rub off. You’ll be as sparkly as a Cullen forever, just like in the movies!
Talking of which, Twilight Breaking Dawn – Part 1 is in cinemas now. You go enjoy it while I contact a therapist to assist in getting the words “glitter lube” out of my brain forever.
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