To maximize your enjoyment of the much anticipated test series between South Africa and England, here are some guidelines for a drinking game to play with your friends while watching it.

The rules are simple: Have a drink whenever

• You hear that the weather will play a factor
• You hear Graeme Smith or Kevin Pietersen claim that there’s no more bad blood between them (possibly replace ‘bad blood’ with ‘needle’)
• You hear how competently Geoffrey Boycott’s mother would have played a certain delivery (or his grandmother, or any female member of his family)
• You hear how Jonathan Trott and Kevin Pietersen are playing against their own countrymen (a heavy shot if it’s countered with Imran Tahir’s Pakistani heritage)
• You hear about the hoodoo the Proteas have at The Oval
• You hear about Jacques Kallis’s batting ‘bubble’
• You hear any reference to England’s problematic number 6 batting position (present or past)
• You hear that the overhead conditions will suit Dale Steyn (or James Anderson, and a heavy shot if his swing is linked with Smith’s past problems with either Zaheer Khan or Matthew Hoggard)
• You hear about Hashim Amla being ‘wristy’
• You hear any reference to Mark Boucher (but only if you toast the man while you’re doing it)
• You hear how much the players want to get on the honours board at Lord’s
• You hear how JP Duminy announced himself with that century in Melbourne (a heavy shot if it’s accompanied with the words ‘hasn’t fulfilled his potential since’)
• You see Graeme Swann start a bowling spell without taking his sunglasses off
• You hear that Graeme Smith’s batting technique may not be pretty, but it’s effective
• You hear that Alastair Cook’s batting technique may not be pretty, but it’s effective
• You hear how the Duke ball moves around more than a Kookaburra one (a heavy shot if it’s accompanied by the phrase ‘pronounced seam’)
• You hear about being number one in the ICC test rankings
• You hear about Jonathan Trott’s pre-ball routine (don’t drink whenever you see it because you will die)
• You hear about Mike Atherton’s great tussle with Allan Donald in 1998
• You hear that Morne Morkel ‘hits the deck hard’

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