Before we begin, it is important to remember that this relationship WILL NOT last, WILL destroy you and WILL be the wildest most extravagant time of your whole life. Be warned, this is taken from a very cheeky source and is somewhat extreme…. but in the land of fantasy and rich girls what isn’t?
Step 1: The Meeting
Timing is the make-or-break factor here. You must catch these ladies at a very particular time when, as Vice puts it, “they stop accepting daddy’s handouts and start nicking it from his wallet instead.” In order to find these rebels you must scope out their regular watering holes, and through some Google detective work find out who their other rich-but-pretending-to-be-poor acquaintances are and where they might be hanging out/playing in a band.
Step 2: Winning Them Over
Impressing rich girls is not about being flashy, in fact its quite the opposite. Accentuating your “pedestrian lifestyle” is your key to her rebellious phase. NB: their perception of pedestrian is most likely based on classic novels or their daddy’s nightmares. Acceptable aliases include small-time drug dealer, philosopher or professional hipster.
Steps 3, 4 and 5: Playing It Cool
DO NOT, whatever you do, let your jaw drop open when you realise the true opulence of her life. Her flat costs more than your total annual income: get over it, it’s unlikely she pays her own rent. She has a maid – let it go, even her house is probably bigger than yours.
There will come a time when you WILL most likely want to have sex with her mom because… she is the ultimate milf. She dated someone like you once – and then she got serious and married a rich man, as will your rich girl when she’s tired of you. When it comes to dad: he knows all your dirty inner thoughts because he lives them out in his spare time. Expect flirtation between daddy and his little girl and don’t make it more awkward by pointing out how inappropriate it gets.
Friends: your friends (who will shortly be deserted in attempts to hold onto your fantasy for a little longer) will all look like short fat ugly people compared to her elite circle of models, drug dealers, musicians and the owners of all of her favourite clubs. They will never be YOUR friends, and you will never like them. They probably don’t even like each other but they all have one thing you don’t: too much money.
Steps 6 and 7: Pleasures
Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll are the average night out for your rich girl and her posse. You will not be able to keep up, your binge is her Wednesday night; her binge is your overdose. Sex and nudity became second nature for her before you had your first boner, get used to her walking around half naked around her male model friends and prepare for the wildest spree of threesomes and craziness you will ever have.
Step 8: Politics and Pretence
She will start to give subtle indications that she is, in fact, very conservative and has affiliation with communism or helping the poor or whatever. Her friends will constantly be trying to show you just how (pseudo)intellectual they are and while you could argue circles around them, don’t; remember this is not going to be the rest of your life either.
Step 9: The End
The inevitable, sad end: this is the end of your regular friendships, the end of your comptence in everyday life, and ultimately the end of your wild relationship.
We do hope you enjoy the ride.
For the rest of you who do not wish to screw up your lives, keep this in the fantasy realm and with any luck, you might make your very own little rich girl one day for someone else’s average Joe son to get screwed by.
Disclaimer: there’s a little bit of rich girl in all of us really. We just hide it because we do not have the funding to be bailed out for following our wild whims.
[Source: Vice]
