I won’t spend too much time on this ‘cos I’ll get really worked up and I want to save that energy for my story on the Camps Bay Friendly Store and the fact that the manager is without a doubt ACTIVELY trying to murder me (I have proof).

Winex 2007 – Cape Town’s worst event

Can someone tell me what the fuck is going on with the parking at the Cape Town International Conference Centre (CTICC)? I went to attend this year’s Wine Expo (“Winex” – good one) and tried to find a parking spot. Digital signs explained that Parking Area 1 (to the left) was full and a scared little woman was holding a “GO THAT WAY FOR PARKING” sign in her hand with an arrow pointing to the other side of the roundabout which resembled a straight road leading into darkness – like a black hole of sorts.

I had a joint some time before I left The Castle (more about that later) so I drove toward (leaving the ‘s’ out is my new vibe) the woman and made sure which way it was pointing. Yup, I must turn right and follow the road that leads to nowhere. There also happened to be no other options, other than turning around. And so on I went, slowly, into the darkness. I looked back and noticed a trail of SIX OTHER CARS following me like lemmings! Christ, it was like the blind leading the blind!

True as God the road just fizzled out and we were in no-man’s land. With cars parked EVERYWHERE, off-road, on pavements, upside-down – it was a mess! The other cars following me turned around and probably went home because there was no-where else to park. I couldn’t understand why there was no parking. I thought this new conference centre was meant to be current and modern and, you know…SENSIBLE at the very least. I don’t know when last I parked that far away for anything. You would have sworn they were having the biggest world event imaginable – I don’t know, like Paris and Britney’s ACTUAL vagina’s on display in a glass box. But no! It was the Winex 2007! It’s not even a national event! Whilst I was very excited to press the “raise suspension” button in my car for the off-road extravaganza, the half a kilometer walk from the car to the entrance left a lot to be desired.

The RMB Winex Wine “festival” turned out to be more of a fuckfest than a festival. Honestly, it was so cuck. We paid R90 each, got a glass to taste wine with and walked into the most lifeless void I have ever encountered.

I know! Let’s take a four-storey hall the size of two rugby fields, put up stands, AND LABEL THEM WITH THE NAMES OF THE DIFFERENT WINE FARMS!!! Then let’s add NOTHING ELSE! AWESOME!

But shouldn’t we add a “vibe” to it? Like make it look cool? Like…hmmm…like WHY DON’T WE HANG SOMETHING FROM THE CEILING??

No!!!! Definitely not. Let’s make this as BLAND as possible!

Honestly, I could have put that thing together with my left ball. It was LITERALLY a circle of stands going the whole way around the room with the names of each wine farm above each stand – with this bizarre four-storey empty space above everything.

Whilst it is not officially billed as a wine and cheese festival, one would expect a cheese section of sorts. There was literally ONE cheese table – OUTSIDE the hall – called “Fairview” cheeses.

“Good heavens!” I exclaimed to the man at the cheese stand. “How the fuck did you manage to pull this off? The fact that you’re the only cheese stand at the ENTIRE expo?”

“Ja but we actually have a wine stand at the expo and our farm makes both cheese and wine.” he explained.

“Bru, Zevenwacht wine makes cheese as well and they’re certainly more well-known than you guys,” I quipped.

“Ja…well….” was all he came up with.

I nodded with a smirk, “Ja, whatever. You know as well as I do that someone MUST have given someone else a blow job SOMEWHERE along the way.”

His jaw dropped and I cackled like the guy that laughs in Michael Jackson’s Thriller as I departed the godforsaken event.

The sushi stand was closed.

It was 19h50 on a friday night.

What a fuck up.

How dare you.