Fuck pub quizzes and all who go to them.
I’ve been holding on to that thought for as long as I have been in Johannesburg, which is as long as the Barclays Premier League season of 2010-2011 has run. And now that the season is over, I feel the need to tell pub quiz enthusiasts where to get off.
I don’t particularly care that some people find pub quizzes to be fun. I don’t care that it’s pretty much the only way to guarantee that the pub will be full on a random Wednesday night. I just don’t care for them at all. Pub quizzes serve one function – to make the pub experience of normal people utterly dreadful.
This should really be a column bemoaning the death of the old fashioned pub where chaps would go to have a good chinwag-and-a pint of an evening, and where they’d go to see the game on weekends. Nowadays publicans see it fit to crowd their public houses with all sorts of activities that ruin my life.
I go to the pub for two reasons – to chat to a mate over a few cold ones, or to watch a football or rugby match. I often do both at the same time. There is a lovely little place in Rosebank, called Bulldogs, just up the road from where I live. The food is excellent and they don’t dick around with stupid ambient music. Also, if you go there often enough they remember your usual and plonk it down without even asking. Do you have any idea how gratifying it is when I don’t even have to ask for my Zamalek draught? Oh, and did I mention the pub grub?
But I don’t frequent Bulldogs anymore. I just can’t. First off, who closes a pub at 10PM? Seriously, who does that? Most Champion’s League matches begin at 21h45. They also tend to not want to watch rugby. Now, I’m sorry. This is South Africa. All pubs and restaurants must, without fail and without question, turn their TVs on to the rugby on Friday and Saturday nights. This is the way of things. And if pubs want to show the football, then they should organise multiple screens and play more than one channel in the venue. It’s really not that difficult. Bulldogs has the equipment to do so, but for some reason, its staff chooses not to. Instead, they always insist on watching Manchester United or Chelsea matches.
The last straw was the pub poker match. I was eating my dinner at Bulldogs one Friday evening, and it occurred to me that I could just stay and watch the game that was coming on. When I went to my usual perch on the bar; there they were. The poker players. Making a fucking ruckus. Eventually I just left.
These days I have to drive all the way to the Brazen Head in Sandton. Now, the Brazen Head has its upsides. It’s where the Arsenal Supporters Club meets to swear at Arsene Wenger, which means there’s a big screen in one of the rooms where I can watch a proper football match. And they always show the rugby there, even if it’s just the Lions. They also close very late. I’m not sure when, but I’ve left there after 24h00 at night with the place still at full roar.
But whenever I go to the Brazen Head to see a Champion’s League match on a Tuesday or Wednesday, the match viewing time will clash with the pub quiz. It really is infuriating when an adenoidal, bald short man shouts out loud, “How many husbands did Liza Minnelli have” which inevitably forces a heated discussion from the quiz contestants, while I’m just trying to watch the match.
It’s a bloody inconvenience. If anyone knows of a good pub not too close to the north (somewhere around Rosebank, the “Parks” or Killarney will do nicely) that closes late and doesn’t allow pub quizzes, please let me know.
Some of my friends go to pub quizzes. They can sod off too.
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