The imate k-Jam / Qtek 9100
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I was meant to write this ages ago but I was so busy being efficient that I forgot completely. I am here to tell you about your new life. It goes by two names, either the 'imate K-Jam' or the 'Qtek 9100' - they're the same phone. For the last two years I have been using PC Phones like these; always moving ahead to the next model when it came out. So my last phone before this was the 'imate Jam' (sans 'k'). The software, functionality and sound was the same as this new one, but this new one has loads more features. Useful features I might add, which is all too rare in this dark and dangerous PDA market. (I trust everyone enjoyed my use of the word 'sans' earlier. Personally, I pissed myself). When people ask me if it is indeed a phone, I usually reply that it is not. I explain to them that this is not a "phone", it is a "lifestyle". When it rings they tell me that my "lifestyle is ringing". I think this is a good point for you to take a moment to actually look at the phone. I want you to look at its beautiful action-packed, high-tech, supremo-gadget's image.

Taste it

I know you're enjoying whats going on towards the bottom of the phone's face. You like those buttons. You like how they fit together. It reminds you of the spaces between the doors and the body of the Audi TT. Similair vibe we're seeing here. Don't be scared of that - it's not your fault. Everybody feels that feeling. That is what happens when something has fucking beautiful lines. Like the new Aston Martin Vantage which you're in love with. It's not your fault. Don't fright. You're feeling like this because of the lines on the car. Just like this phone. It's very normal to feel how you feel. You're turned on. At this stage of the game the girls will be getting a little hot. You'll notice blotchy pink/red patches showing up around your lower neck area. Don't panic. It's making you feel sexy. You are sexy. And guys, a slight semi right now is absolutely fine. Just chill. It's not you, it's the phone.

I'll jump in to the main feature on the K-Jam which was not present on the previous model. I am referring to the God-like slide-out keyboard. To think how I coped before without one throws me on the verge of bullemia. Let's take a look at that keyboard.

Lip my phone

Oh yes please! You fucking love it, don't you? How beautiful is that keyboard? Ok, now that you understand the layout of the phone I will tell you what I do with it.

I think I will highlight the text I am writing when mentioning a feature. This will make it easier for you to read. I'm not going to tell you in any order, I'll just start spitting it out. When I do a quick half an hour work session on my phone, I normally slide out the keyboard, rather than using the stylus (phone pen) and typing on the screen. That's for losers. You're not a loser. And enjoy this, the whole picture on the screen of the phone automatically flips 90 degrees so that you aren't reading the screen the wrong way round. You like that don't you? I think you do.

Operating the PDA is a doddle. The menu system is basically like a mini-Windows vibe. With a start icon bringing up menus. The software is made by Microsoft so it's like you're using Windows . So you're also helping out Bill Gates who needs as much money as possible so that he can finally buy a planet which he can escape to. This will be just before he presses the button which stops Windows software from working on Earth. You know that the concept is possible, don't you? Honestly, it is. Not the planet part, but the part about Bill Gates stopping the world. If Microsoft Windows had a secret pre-set date inside the Windows software then it could be timed to freeze all computers all over the world. That includes major banking systems in the World using Microsoft. Not to mention stock exchanges, governments, telecomms and, lest we forget, all of our machines connected to the internet right now. Please don't bore me with emails detailing the ACTUAL computer operating systems used in the aforementioned industries. That will just be too boring for words.

If you want to dial a phone number then you dial on the screen. That's correct, the numbers for dialling a phone number show on the touch-sensitive screen. Around the frame of the phone are various one touch buttons. So, for example, you can hold one button whilst you're talking on the phone and it will immediately begin recording your phone call. You use the same button if you want to save a dictaphone-style message for yourself. I do that to remind myself to write a story about something. It's too easy- l just grab my phone from my pocket, hold the button and say "Absolutely smashed barman at Chapman's Peak Hotel". Then later on I can play back any voice notes I made. (look out for article on Chapman's Peak Hotel barman). The other button is a camera (with light) which I use to take pictures for the "Photo of the moment" section of this website (left menu in the red block). It also films really good video with surprisingly small file sizes. Then there is another button that switches on/off things like wi-fi wireless internet, GPRS, bluetoof, infra red and all that cuck. You can re-programme the buttons to do different things. For example I re-programmed that button to bring up a calculator on the screen. It's better than having to fart around the menus to find the calculator programme. Cos when you need a calculator you need it fast. (A "your mother 'needs it fast'" chirp would be great here). Two other buttons load up the Internet Explorer web browser and the mail software.

Surfing on the net using Internet Explorer on these phones is a mind fuck. Obviously you quietly slide out the keyboard and surf with the screen sideways - allowing a widescreen internet experience - instead of upright, which frightens you. You can adjust the text size and actually have the full width of a website fitting in the screen. All those conversations that need an answer from Google are finally solved! Google can be loaded up in a couple of seconds. It uses the same software/system to send an sms or mms as it does for an email. I run 4 different email address on my phone. It sends and receives email as often as you want. You can get it to check for email every hour, or every 5 minutes - whatever you want. This is the part where your friends will be mentioning a similair device to this phone called the Blackberry. Ignore them. These people bore you. They'll say something like "emails come immediately on the Blackberry". Well done, tool. Why don't you and your Blackberry go around the corner and wank off over each other. I think I would lose my mind if I was told the moment emails were sent to me. I couldn't think of anything worse.

Obviously you can create, open and email Word documents, Excel spreadsheets, Powerpoint documents etc. Even Zip files. There is a memory card slot which I put a 1 gigabyte memory card into and I store all of my files including Word/Excel documents, MP3's (which can even be set as your phone ring), some videos (the video quality is unreal) and photographs. The phone uses Windows Media player to play video/audio so you can use any video/image files you already have on your computer. Yes guys, that DOES mean that you can have a stash of porn videos on your phone at all times. Terribly handy.

Because it is like a computer, you don't have to be restricted by space (as you do with normal cellphones). So you can choose how far back you want it to save logs. So I can find a number I dialled at 10h00 in the morning 3 weeks ago. You'll be surprised how handy that turns out to be. Likewise with the speed dial. You can have as many as you want. Some of us need more than 10 speed dials, which is the number that most cellphone companies feel is enough for us. And yes, it also has a pretty damn good Voice Activated Dialling facility. So I just hold a button and say "Sphincter boy" and it immediately starts to dial A J Venter.

I haven't even mentioned the best thing about this puppy. You plug it into your laptop and any changes you have made to your Contacts or your Diary on your phone automatically synchronises with Microsoft Outlook on your laptop . And vice versa. So your phone will alert you about all of your appointments that you've made in Outlook. I think we agree that this makes a helluva a lot of sense. You can synchronise other things too, like your list of internet favourites, your notes, emails.

I know.

But wait for it, there's more.

Using the same lead to plug it in, your phone can become a modem for your laptop. That's what I am using right now to get on the internet on my laptop. So the phone becomes a wireless modem for your laptop. It's a bit ridiculous.

There are more things. There are hundreds of software titles for this little beauty (including games). I have software that keeps a three day live weather forecasts and exchange rates on my phone's front screen. I also have ftp software that uploads files from the phone to my website's server. That's what I use to upload a photo to the 'photo of the moment' section of this website. It's radical stuff.

Physically the size is great. I wouldn't want smaller as this screen is the perfect size. I have a spare Nokia with a 'dual sim card' inside it which I use if I REALLY need to use something smaller. Like when I wear my skin-tight red leather pant.

The phone is not for everyone. But if you use the things I've mentioned then you're going to love this thing. It's a bit pricey but worth every cent. It's no more expensive than the newest Nokias. It certainly is a justifiable business expense.

2oceansvibe are friends with the guys who are licensed to sell them. They have agreed to give a discount if you tell them that you came via 2oceansvibe.

Call SA EXPLORER
Speak to Justin or Claude
021 555 9842
Mention 2oceansvibe for a discount

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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