Spy gets poisoned. Shock! Horror!
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Why were we subjected to the story of the Russian spy who was poisoned? The story broke a couple of weeks ago about an ex-Russian spy, Alexander Litvinenko, who had been admitted to hospital in London after being poisoned. Sky News then spent the next couple of weeks watching his decline, until his death, towards the end of last week.

Oh my God! This spy was killed!
That is RIDICULOUS!

Firstly, there is no such thing as an ex-spy. Imagine if James Bond retires and is chilling one day at the Slug and Lettuce in Fulham. It turns out that Goldfinger had a love child a-la-Prince-Albert, who arrives at the Slug and Lettuce to kill James. He walks up to him:

"Aaaaah, Meeeeesta Bond!"

"Awfully sorry, old chap, but who the fuck are you", replies James, very chilled, with a scotch in his hand.

"I am Goldtoe, my fascher was Goldfinger! And I am here to avenge his death"! He pulls out a knife and motions to stab it into Bond's neck.

Bond, always ready for this kind of bullshit retorts, "Now now, squire, I've retired! I'm not working anymore. I'm an EX-spy."

Goldtoe, embarrassed, apologises to James, slides over to the bar and orders a pint. He gets broken, goes to the Redback Tavern that night and comes right.

The point is, there is no such thing as AN EX-SPY! If someone agrees to become a spy, he is fucked for the rest of his life. He can be killed at any point and people REALLY shouldn't make a fuss. Anyway, do you know who our boy was chilling with when he got poisoned? OTHER SPIES!!!!

Secondly, it CERTAINLY shouldn't be the top story on the news for so long. Imagine a headline, "GOLDFINGER KILLED BY JAMES BOND". It's just not going to happen. It's rubbish.

Rubbish, rubbish, rubbish!

And now people are demanding an inquiry into his death. Honestly, they've got police involved and detectives and all sorts of crap. What are you guys doing? HE WAS A FUCKING SPY! Granted, a very shit spy, but a spy nonetheless. Spies live in a separate world to us where death and murder comes standard. THIS IS NORMAL STUFF, GUYS! He got poisoned! Jesus, LEAVE IT ALONE!

Personally, I think the timing of his death with the launch of the new James Bond movie, Casino Royale is a little more than mere coincidence. I think Alexander was poisoned by the producers of the new Bond movie and think it is bloody genius! I mean, really, the leading news story on Sky News is about this effing spy, then they cross over to entertainment headlines and they're talking about the launch of the new James Bond movie.

Genius!

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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