It’s Spring Day. Wonderful, isn’t it?

Sure, depending on where you are in the Southern Hemisphere, the weather might not be very Spring-like. But such is life, and the meteorological musings of our planet. The good news is that the days are getting longer, the sun is shining more regularly, animals are copulating left, right and centre (I’m looking at you, Columba livia), and blossoms are beginning to appear on plants.

(At this point I should probably mention that the expats in the Northern hemisphere can feel free to take everything I’ve just written and completely reverse it to describe your current situation – sorry chaps.)

But there are a few guys who won’t get to appreciate the happy change of Spring Day, because it’s pretty hard to see the lovely flowers, let alone smell them, when you’re trapped in a deep-level mine.

Yes, this is a shout out to you, my Chilean mining friends. I empathise with you guys. That’s right, empathise, because I also get what it’s like to live in a dark hole for an extended period of time.

Forget the “scientific” advice that NASA’s been throwing your way. You think the guys who drew up that survival memo had ever lived in a hole for four months? Forget about it. I’ve been there. I know your pain.

So you can trust these ten tried-and-tested tips, my pedigree chums.

1. Play Uno. Even when you’re not trapped in a hole. Play it.
2. Annex the hole and promulgate a government: The hole is your little universe for four months. There is literally no one else to rely on for your governance. Rise up, workers of the hole, and unite!
3. Form a chamber choir. CHAMBER choir, get it? CHAMBER choir? C’mon…Okay, not my best. Use it, don’t use it. Singing’s great for your spirits, that’s all I’m saying.
4. Express yourself with coal drawings: I’m not being glib here, but you’re in a pretty stressful place right now, and one thing you do have at your disposal is ground minerals.
5. Start a blog: Turn lemons into lemonade with a sarcastic, pithy, irony-saturated blog. If you’re wearing black-rimmed glasses at all times, you can pretty much blog about anything and get away with it.
6. Open a Twitter feed: Oh wait, you already have.
7. Negotiate a reality TV deal: This is a no brainer. You’re in a hole for four months. People want to know about that crap. Think Big Brother, except this time round the cast have real problems.
8. Decorate tastefully: You’re going to be down there for a while. Whatever you do, don’t let the flamboyant guy (there’s always one) get his way when the group is debating the merits and demerits of a shocking green sofa against bright red wallpaper. Think soothing colours. Since I made the move to a neutral pallet, “aqua” has become my new favourite word.
9. Pay your TV license: Chaps, if I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again. The SABC does not care that your set can’t get reception down there, or even that you’re located in Chile. If you’ve got a television set, the SABC wants its cut of the pie. And believe me, they WILL dig into a collapsed mine to collect their debt.
10. Re-invent yourself: Let’s be honest. It’s time for a career change. You’ve got four months to pen your Jerry Macguire Manifesto. There’s absolutely no harm in going into telesales after something like this. Or motivational speaking. Well it’s pretty much the same thing, isn’t it? Point is, you’re not likely to wind up in another bind like this.