While T.G.I.F. garners praise from all corners of the working world, many of us lack the sort of hard-nosed attitude toward the beginning of the work week that would increase our chances of making it past Wednesday in one piece.
To that end, we present our latest satirical column, O.F.I.M. (Oh, [Insert Appropriate Eff Word Here], It’s Monday), penned by respected economic journalist and gadabout, Clarence Delgado.
Every Monday morning, Delgado will provide analysis of the previous working week, with enough venom for you to stick it to the man, for five more days. Enjoy. – Seth Rotherham, Editor
CLICK CONTINUE READING BELOW FOR THE FIRST ISSUE..
Kullthebastard Zuma has commanded more column inches than his trouser belts in the past few weeks. The Easter edition of the Sunday Slimes had a front page of him cavorting deftly in front of a group of adoring sycophants, sporting what looked like snake skin shoes and a white suit that was rumoured to have been custom made by the well-known event organisers, Mzansi Marquees.
How a specimen of such vast bulk, someone who needs an elaborate system of pulleys and clamps just to separate his buttocks for a routine trip to the bog manages to skip the light fandango is one of 18 year old South Africa’s greatest mysteries.
Another mystery is why those nasty banks won’t lend him the hundreds of millions that he owes his squads of creditors. According to his spokesperson, Vuyo Mkhize, Kullthebastard is of “above average intelligence” because he attended the University of Natal for a few weeks before deciding that his above average intelligence was being shackled by the childish engineering curriculum and instead left and bought some taxis.
The banks, themselves shackled by Basel III and the National Credit Act, can’t see further than their Pinocchio noses and won’t grant him credit despite Kullthebastard being worth R100 billion. Yes, R100 billion. And I know it’s true, because Vuyo Mkhissarse says so on the front page of the Sunday Independump.
It’s time to stop being beastly about the Zuma clan as we move into adulthood as a nation. Yes, Jacob has a few wives ( a couple less than he intended due to divorce and suicide but still a tidy few), and yes his nephew is allegedly a thieving fraudster who has taken from the very people Uncle Jacob and his party claim to represent. Oh, and yes, son of Jacob, Edward the Confessor has admitted racially abusing a female Chines invitee to papa’s latest wedding.
Eddie Z said the following (ALLEGEDLY):
“You can’t bring your Beijing in Nkandla”, followed by “If there is a complaint she must come and deal with me”.
I’m no expert Eddie Baby, but I think that China can bring whatever it wants to wheresoever it wants as the world’s second (soon to be first) biggest economy, and one that is propping up our own. But I’m no expert.
Happy Birthday South Africa, and as we celebrate reflect on the words of that bloke of above average intelligence Albert Einstein, “Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen”.
As for you GodZille, please don’t gloat over the e-tolling issue on your social networks. Have a think about how the Government is going to pay for the upkeep of our roads infrastructure due to the loss of income. And think about how the world’s investment community will view this tatty little victory for lobbyists and COSATU.
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