As The P.A. leaves the brood for a stint in the UK, we are reminded of the uncertainty and planning that surrounds a move of this nature. I thought it would be a good time to mention our friends over in the UK, 1st Contact. I got in touch with them to see if there was anything new to tell you and it turns out my timing was spot on!
They're holding FREE seminars in Cape Town, Johannesburg and Durban during February for people heading over to the UK which will be covering the following:
- Getting started in the UK - What life is like in the UK
- Visas, including the Highly Skilled Migrant Visa
- How to find a job before you arrive in the UK
- How to manage your finances
Dates are as follows:
Cape Town - 13 February 2008 (Southern Sun Newlands)
Johannesburg - 19 February 2008 (Wanderers Club)
Durban - 21 February 2008 (The Riverside Hotel)
*Seminars are usually one hour, starting at 19h30
I've been to a couple of these seminars before (when I first went to London) and they really are the only answer for those of you heading over. They also have plenty SA-based consultants on hand who are ready to answer your myriad of questions. They've all spent time there and they know the best way to do things (except pick up slags at The Redback Tavern). Most of our buddies used them when they went over (1st Contact and the slags). Highly recommended (They've handled over 50,000 clients in the last year (1st Contact, not the slags.)).
As the New York Giants take on the unbeaten New England Patriots [permalink]
It's all fucking happening on Sunday when the New York Giants take on the New England Patriots in this year's NFL Super Bowl. I love New York to death but spent far too much time growing up and holidaying in Martha's Vineyard, Cape Cod and Boston; to ignore the Patriots.
Fucken GO PATRIOTS!
New York Giants vs. New England Patriots LIVE Monday 01h00, ESPN (Channel 230 on DSTV)
Ja so anyway I thought I'd find out some facts about the Super Bowl and general American excess for your brain's pleasure. Enjoy this :
If the Patriots win, it will mean they have enjoyed an unbeaten season. The first time ever.
The Super Bowl attracts a worldwide audience of at least 90 million.
Over 40% of the Super Bowl audience is female.
The Super Bowl is the second largest eating holiday of the year (after thanksgiving).
On game day, Americans eat 15,000 tons of chips.
They also quietly chow 4,000 tons of popcorn.
If you lined them up, bumper to bumper, the string of popcorn would ring the earth five and a half times.
Enjoy this one, 5.4% of the yearly US avocado crop is used to make guacamole for the day of the Super Bowl (25 million kilos).
The rate of car accidents in the US increases 41% in the 4 hours after the Super Bowl.
30 seconds of commercial time for this year's Super Bowl costs $2.7 million (call it R19 million).
That's around $86,000 a second. (R600,000 a second).
"NFL" and "Super Bowl" and "Super Sunday" are trademarked by the NFL. Promoters not sanctioned by the NFL must refer to the event as...
THE BIG GAME.
What a lag. So anyway, on a far more serious note, we'll end off with one of the New England Patriots cheerleaders. Please enjoy Jessica Wanzie.
Jessica Wanzie New England Patriots cheerleader
and sexual beacon
That, my friends, is the real fucking deal. That is a REAL cheerleader. Pure and All-American. Born for this role. Groomed for this role. Look at her - Christ, this chick could be a part time model. She would have been the cheerleader that was boning the high school quarterback. She would almost DEFINITELY have been the prom queen as well. Probably two years in a row.
Fat chicks hated her at school.
She used to mock them and laugh at them.
She drove a convertible.
The fat chicks went on the bus.
The cheerleader used to overtake the bus in her BMW - laughing and pointing at the fat chicks on the bus.
It was such a hoot!
Then one day the fat chicks came into school with guns and blew the fucking place apart.
The Superbowl is LIVE on ESPN on Monday morning in South Africa.
Britney Spears in full force last night [permalink]
Our girl has been admitted to a psychiatric hospital with a the help of an ambulance, a helicopter and 12 (that's dozen, folks) cops on bikes. It reminds me of New Year two years ago when I had to get from the Dutch billionaire's house to Caprice before one o' clock - otherwise the little angel at the time would be leaving. Or my penis would turn into a pumpkin - one or the other, I can't remember. It was a helluva party.
Poncherello couldn't help himself
So anyway, Britney's mother organised the motorcade and ambulance after finding out that she hadn't slept for over three days. Hmm, not ideal. This was taken yesterday - during her sleepless marathon. She looks fine if you ask me. I dig my chicks looking like that. They're the ones who enjoy one-for-one bum smacking compo's in the bedroom. Solid women.
Shame, it's not going very well. I must say that it's not really helping that she REMAINS in LA. I mean obviously the paparazzi will make you crazy. You need to get away from the actual area, Britney. Or better yet, the country! Come to Cape Town my little muppet - book yourself into Montrose Place - you'll LOVE IT!
Here's a vid of the chaos last night. It's pretty fucking hectique.
Controversial American sculptor, Daniel Edwards, pushes it again [permalink]
This guy is amusing me no end. You might remember Daniel Edwards; he was the guy that did the sculptures of Britney giving birth on all-fours and the Paris Hilton Autopsy sculpture, featuring her dog, Tinkerbell; jumping on a dead Paris Hilton.
And since then he did another one that I was unaware of and think you should see. It was called Suri Cruise's First Poop. Jesus, he pushes limits..
Suri Cruise's First Poop
Adorable..
But now, and more to the point of the article, he has done a bronze sculpture of Oprah Winfrey, entitled The Oprah Sarcophagus. A "sarcophagus" for those of you who don't use the word casually in normal daily conversation like I do, is basically a coffin.
With Kfm's breakfast show host, Nic Marais [permalink]
As mentioned earlier on in the week, Nic Marais will be joining us today LIVE today on The 2oceansvibe Show at 15h30. The show is live streaming over the "internet" and you simply have to click the link on this website to start listening to the show. Only at 15h30 (SA time). We will also be accepting LIVE SKYPE PHONE CALLS during the show (info below).
As one of The 2oceansvibe Characters, Nic is no stranger to 2oceansvibe and 2oceansvibe is certainly no stranger to Nic, nor Kfm (2oceansvibe's radio station of choice). So it'll be interesting to see what happens with this show. Nic is bound to have some good tips for us, but I'm more interested in the contrast of the two presenters in the 2oceansvibe studio. Nic hosts a good show with good vibes and excited energy. Seth hosts a crap show with sarcastic vibes and an intoxicated drawl. He's a polite, intelligent young man and his show (number one breakfast show in Cape Town) represents the people and is certainly far from controversial. 2oceansvibe, on the other hand, welcomes controversy.
Kfm does things like "Reach For a Dream."
2oceansvibe does things like "Reach For the Tequila."
Let's face it.. it's going to be chaos.. I'm AMAZED he agreed to do it.
Just kidding - it's gonna be loads of fun! Nic is a good mate and we have regular debates about numerous issues and I'm sure there will be loads to go around. You'll enjoy it - believe me!
Questions to ask Nic can be emailed to editor@2oceansvibe.com Live Skype calls will also be taken during the show and if you have headphones and a mic on Skype then you can dial into us on our Skype name "the2oceansvibeshow".
Sms's can be sent DURING the show to +27 76 907 3679
Nice.
Very sexual.
That will annoy, Nic. Using the word "sexual" in this article.
Nothing wrong with being sexual, Nic.
We'll chat more about this on Thursday.
We'll also continue the Monopoly World Edition argument we started today.
LPG tankers seen as "next big terrorist vehicle for soft target attack" [permalink]
Well it was all fun and games on the 9th of January when we reported on the ship with the four boobs which had been parked for about a week in front of Sea Point's promenade. But now, after nearly a month of sitting there, it's getting a bit worrying. Especially after we did some investigating of our own into the various threats that a tanker of this sort could pose.
THE LPG VESSEL - STILL HERE!?
Our expert terrorism correspondent, Brett Aubin, had this to say:
LPG tankers are seen as the next big terrorist vehicle for a soft-target attack. They have pretty detailed security precautions but there is some concern that RPG\'s (Amongst other things) could rupture the tanks and that, in the worst case scenario, a blast in the 1/10 of a kiloton range could ensure.
Gas in these Red Tanks is refrigerated at about -110 degrees to keep it liquefied; if the tanks are ruptured, masses of liquid gas would instantaneously revert to its gaseous from - causing a massive gas cloud; if there was then a secondary spark from somewhere - this would explode in the same way as a massive fuel air bomb - working in exactly the same way as a Daisy Cutter or MOAB. Characteristics of this blast are a truly massive concussion or blast wave and nasty areas of \'induced vacuum\' where the bomb sucks up all the oxygen in the surrounds to feed the fireball. They exploded Daisy Cutters outside the caves in Tora Bora - the vacuum caused people in the caves to expel portions of their lungs. Nice.
Further investigation found confirmation of Brett's findings. Have a look at this article, and this, and this.
Look, luckily Cape Town and South Africa aren't in the terrorist's scopes, but, you know - must it be parked right here in front of us?
I reckon we get that ship the fuck out of our faces. ASAP.
Just please enjoy this. It was taken this week at Sundance Film Festival. (Forbsie will be familiar with the festival). It's a video of a very annoyed Quentin Tarantino dealing with paparazzi as he leaves Starbucks. He attacks the guy and, I THINK even kicks him. It's enjoyable. Vince Chase would never behave like that.
Check how he holds out is hand and circles it in the air, whilst saying, "what's going on here" over and over with his coffee in his other hand.
HAHAHAHA!! Fuck he is funny.
It's like a scene straight out of Reservoir Dogs or something. You can't tell if he is acting or in real life - he doesn't change - he's just a very funny warped geek. Remember Pulp Fiction when he acted in his own movie as "Jimmie" - the guy who's house Mr. Wolf had to come and clean up? Similar vibe.
Kfm's morning show DJ joins us for Thursday's live online broadcast [permalink]
Oh now that's a bit of a coup, isn't it?! Cape Town's biggest radio station, Kfm's morning show host, Nic Marais (AKA The DJ) has been tricked into joining us for a couple of hours on Thursday arvee for South Africa's first and only regular live purely-online radio show - The 2oceansvibe Show.
As one of The 2oceansvibe Characters, Nic is no stranger to 2oceansvibe and 2oceansvibe is certainly no stranger to Nic, nor Kfm (2oceansvibe's radio station of choice). So it'll be interesting to see what happens with this show. Nic is bound to have some good tips for us, but I'm more interested in the contrast of the two presenters in the 2oceansvibe studio. Nic hosts a good show with good vibes and excited energy. Seth hosts a crap show with sarcastic vibes and an intoxicated drawl. He's a polite, intelligent young man and his show (number one breakfast show in Cape Town) represents the people and is certainly far from controversial. 2oceansvibe, on the other hand, welcomes controversy.
Kfm does things like "Reach For a Dream."
2oceansvibe does things like "Reach For the Tequila."
Let's face it.. it's going to be chaos.. I'm AMAZED he agreed to do it.
Just kidding - it's gonna be loads of fun! Nic is a good mate and we have regular debates about numerous issues and I'm sure there will be loads to go around. You'll enjoy it - believe me!
Questions to ask Nic can be emailed to editor@2oceansvibe.com Live Skype calls will also be taken during the show and if you have headphones and a mic on Skype then you can dial into us on our Skype name "the2oceansvibeshow".
Sms's can be sent DURING the show to +27 76 907 3679
Nice.
Very sexual.
That will annoy, Nic. Using the word "sexual" in this article.
Nothing wrong with being sexual, Nic.
We'll chat more about this on Thursday.
We'll also continue the Monopoly World Edition argument we started today.
Welcome, Eva! And congratulations, my darling! It was always going to happen.
I'm a big fan of Eva's and have been since the day she became a Wonderbra model. There was that famous "Hello Boys" poster that went up and caused havoc on the roads - with men crashing into each other all day long. Those who didn't crash had to deal with a houtie for the rest of the day.
I would also like to take this opportunity to make it quite clear that "Wonderbra" is in fact a brand of women's bra - it has nothing to do with the nickname you gave your best mate from the flats.
Here we see Eva quietly indluging in a spot of omphaloskepsis! Nothing wrong with that! You go RIGHT AHEAD, my babba..
Monopoly World Edition very close to including Cape Town on the board [permalink]
So the people at Monopoly are launching a new set to replace the old version. It will be called Monopoly-World Edition and will feature 22 of the greatest cities in the world. And they're doing it very democratically, by allowing the world to vote! With the highest voted-for city taking the highest rent position on the board (you might remember this used to be the purple block at the end of the board).
In short, Cape Town is currently in 27th place out of 68 cities and it DESPERATELY needs to be pushed up so as to be included in the 22. CAPE TOWN NEEDS YOU, AND THIS IS WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO TO GET CAPE TOWN IN THE NEW MONOPOLY WORLD EDITION BOARD GAME: CLICK THIS LINK TO TAKE YOU TO THE WORLD VOTE WEBSITE
Then follow these instructions.
STEP 1: Scroll down on the right of the screen
and click "Cape Town, South Africa"
STEP 2: On the next screen that comes up you should
click the green tab on the bottom right which says "+ Add to My Cities"
STEP 3: On the next screen you will notice "My Cities (1)"
CLICK IT!
STEP 4: A little screen will pop up with a red button that says VOTE.
CLICK THAT!!!!
The rest of the exercise is pretty simple. You will be shown a new page for you to register (really quick and simple - JUST your email address) which you must complete and then follow any remaining instructions and YOU'RE DONE!
Good luck with that and let's look forward to Cape Town being a part of the NEW MONOPOLY WORLD EDITION.
Christ it'll be emboerrissing if we're not on it!
Like, "Hey where do you live?"
"Cape Town"
"Oh cool, what colour is it on the Monopoly World Edition board?"
"Umm, no it's not on it.."
"Really? Then what the fuck are you talking to me for? Get out of my fucking face you fucking freak. I'll fucking kill you. Prick hound..."
Business Day's weekend publication makes use of intelligent journalists [permalink]
It's a concept largely ignored by most of South Africa's daily and monthly publications - you know, hiring journalists who know what they're talking about, have communication skills and even know how to spell. I'm certainly not saying that 2oceansvibe is exploding at the seams with Shakespearian eloquence and high grammar, but, you know, our daily and Saturday papers are BIG companies! You just can't get away with shit like this:
The online version of our regular weekly broadsheets.
There is no such thing as a "rapit", so even a simple spellcheck
would have spotted that one.. Come now, guys.
And with some minor articles requiring four journalists to report on a local school sports day, I'm a little tired of being experimented on. That was before I was told about The Weekender, Business Day's far more palatable Saturday "offering."
The Weekender - get it
I was thoroughly impressed by the level of journalism, intellect and angles taken by most of the articles - successfully covering everything from tech and sports to finance and politics. Some of them even dare to do more than just report and actually give their views! It just comes across so much better and doesn't feel like you're reading some kid's school project.
So next Saturday, have a look out for The Weekender. Sold in most outlets, and most definitely at Carlucci's.
Sunday, of course, will always belong to The Sunday Times!
Just sit back and enjoy it - like you're being pleasured in front of your computer. Nothing wrong with that.
Quietly enjoy how over the top this video is. Check the chicks - notice how they grind fresh air. It's POOOSHING it! They ALL want Shabba inside them! I can't get over how sexual everything is!
Also, I was previously unaware that there is a chick completely starkers in the video (near the start - at about the 22 second mark). I wish I was Mr. Loverman!
If you don't know who Corey Delaney is then you've probably been living in a jungle for the last couple of weeks. That said, should you not be using this time to call your loved ones? You know, to let them know that you're ok? I also won't tell you about Heath Ledger just yet.
No, he's FINE! Seriously, I'll tell you later. Call your moms.
If you need an update then check out this link and read up on the story and watch the video. It's about that Ozzie kid, Corey Delaney, who threw the biggest party ever and become a cult hero on TV following his hilarious interviews. In fact, I'll give you the video again. Here it is.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
So anyway, I just wanted to let you know that they are now selling Corey Delaney T-shirts - and they're fucking hilarious! Check it out:
As we say goodbye to Seth's current PA, The P.A., who has been a shining example to aspiring P.A.'s the world over, we wonder if the next chosen one will be able to fill her shoes..
Seth and his P.A. in the year 2020
A peep into the future (at this particular point, Seth is explaining to Rey
that the jet should be available within two hours notice, ALL the time)
We're looking for an angel aged around 22 - 28, with their own car, who is clearly quite switched on and keen to learn. This entry level position will welcome the applicant into a job that offers something new every day, where you will have the freedom to create new systems and put forward your own suggestions and ideas. The experience you'll get from this job will get you into anything after a year or two.
You'll have days when you run your ass off and you'll have days that you're bored - but on the whole it'll be fun. You'll meet all sorts of amazing people, you will get freebies, you will get guest lists at clubs, you will get discounts at shops and you will get lunches at Caprice. You will become an important part of a very exciting network; a valuable network that will be available to you for a long time to come.
Apart from Seth's own personal mundane activities (including liaising with Mavis and forming a buffer zone between Seth and annoying people), you will be running around getting things done, shopping for gifts, sending flowers, standing by for contractors, writing emails, sending faxes and will be involved in the orchestration of three other exciting companies that form a part of the 2oceansvibe brand and community.
You have to be particularly bright, confident, presentable and brilliant with people and lying and manipulation. That was a joke.
So get moving and send in a brief one or two page CV and photograph to editor@2oceansvibe.com with the subject "SETH'S PA"
Closing date is February 11, 2008.
Package works out to roughly R10k take-home a month on average.
Let the hilarity continue - as we contemplate a name change [permalink]
You'd be forgiven for thinking the FIA had moved to Cape Town, as the South African Blog Awards introduce a whole new set of rules for this year's awards. Not unlike the Formula One Championship, and in keeping with last year's theme, the organisers have once again plummeted into an orgasm of contradiction and dissimulation. It is this further reminder of theirlack of validity and importance, that helps us understand why they have been nicknamed "The Zucchini Awards."
The SA Blog Awards are YET to announce any judges which, for something starting in just over a week, further enhances the dormant stench of last year's alleged tampering and general contrive that can only be eclipsed by Zimbabwe's current regime. You would think they would attempt to escape the stigma of damaged goods and, perhaps, give it a fresh new name, like "The South African Blog Awards - Seriously."
Or, "THE ZUCCHINI AWARDS."
Seriously.
Your basic muffshow
Further marred by the cancellation of a Johannesburg ceremony, and not shy to add vinegar to the paper-cut-wound, the organisers of the muffshow have succumbed to last year's gripe by The Sunday Times, in that they have now announced (quite cavalierly, I might add) that the organisers will NOT be involved AS CONTESTANTS in this year's awards!
Oh...!
Not..?!
Hell, but that's BLOODY decent of you guys! Are you saying you want to make it "DEMOCRATIC?"
And the other winners from the past - what happens to them? Did 2oceansvibe really win seven awards in the first two years (prior to the annual rule-changing fiasco)? Or should we start fresh with a new name and permanent non-changing set of rules?
Maria Sharapova vs Ana Ivanovic - it doesn't get better [permalink]
This is one of the better moments in sport history - the most beautiful tennis final ever. The 2008 Australian Open Women's final will be fought between Maria Sharapova and Ana Ivanovic.
We were praying for this outcome yesterday and it just goes to show - if you can dream it, you can achieve it. Ana beat that Daniela chick this morning after losing 6-0 in the first set. I love the way she fights. I love the way she claims every point. I love the way she shuffles her feet, making a squeaky sound as her opponent serves. God she is adorable!
Ana - little angel
Maria - in the same league of hotness
I cannot remember when last, if ever, there was a final where I didn't mind who won. There is usually one hot player and one monster - and often TWO monsters. But this time we have two absolute angels - everyone's a winner! Secretly I do want Ana to win, because she is just too gorgeous for words and her little smile just makes me want to cry. It's a tough call. Look, I'm quite sure they both have incredible vaginas, but I think you'll find Ana's is ever so slightly sweeter than Maria's.
Who knows - we'll see..
Here's the quick on-court interview with Ana after her win this morning against whats-her-name. Tennis has been DYING for a chick like this.
One day left to buy tickets online for €78 million at PlayEuroMillions [permalink]
We chatted about this earlier on in the week. It's not some sort of raffle or high school lucky draw. This jackpot comes to pretty much 1 beellion Rand. Let me remind you of the one toy you can afford with that kind of money (and enough change for the upkeep, let alone the champagne).
The 2005 Gulfstream 550
This one is for sale at $59,900,000 - NO PROBLEMO!
That's right, my love. The Gulfstream G550 - the most sexual of all the private jets out there. It flies the furthest out of the jets in its class, and can land on short runways. So you can fly from London to Plettenberg Bay - DIRECT, my boet. Deal with that. Also deal with the new awesome friends you will have! And they will LOVE you!
As I said before, I will have a jet like this one day anyway, but there is no harm in speeding up the process! I bought 5 tickets in the last lottery and won ₤65, which covers those tickets AND the five tickets I bought for this jackpot. You gotta be in it to win it, my love! That's how it works. That's how everything works!
Dave from The Dirty Skirts joins us LIVE on Thursday! [permalink]
The Dirty Skirts fans out there will be very excited about this one. We've managed to secure Dave from South Africa's number 1 rock band, The Dirty Skirts, for two hours on tomorrow's live online 2oceansvibe Radio Show.
The Dirty Skirts SA's #1 rock band
(Passion, Dave, Mark, Jezzabelle)
With their most recent album "On A Stellar Bender" completely sold-out and the band currently working on their new album, It's gonna be a RED hot show tomorrow - probably relatively sexual with booze and weed and a general rock and roll vibe to the vibe. Inside the vibe. Inside you.
Dave from The Dirty Skirts
Live on the show
We'll probably have some groupies sitting on our laps during the show - you know, just working us over and pouring us tequila. Who knows? Anything could happen. Make sure you're listening!
We'll be taking live SKYPE phone calls during the show (Skype name is "the2oceansvibeshow") so feel free to drop us a line.
Any questions about The Dirty Skirts and Dave before then can be sent to editor@2oceansvibe.com with the subject "skirts".
