Aah, I do like Porters. She is just delightful. I claimed her when she played Matilda in Leon (The Professional) and have been pleased with my claim ever since.
Hello! What's this?
I'm so pleased with these pics of her bum from her new film Hotel Chevalier. It's just as I imagined it. Thank you, my angel. You are very naughty to spoil us like that.
Click this little strip of images to get a look. You know, if you like bums.
I had near cardiac arrest last night and bled out my eyes as I witnessed the new Firestone Tyres ad on TV. The one where the woman pops her head out of the caravan and starts singing the Firestones song (Them stones, them stones, them Firestones).
I respect women and have never, and will never lay a hand on a woman - except this chick. If that chick comes near me I will punch a hole directly through her face. If I see that ad again I will probably cotch on the spot - it is so fucking shocking it simply has to be seen to be believed. I honestly thought it was a joke.
It is INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT to me and to 2oceansvibe that I show you the ad I am talking about. You simply have to see it.
So please, if anyone out there has access or a link to the commercial on this supposedly "brilliant" internet, it is of national importance that you email it to me right this very second at editor@2oceansvibe.com
As we highlight something important and close to Seth [permalink]
Regular readers will be aware that 2oceansvibe is very limited when it comes to appeals to the readers for help. We do receive many charitable requests for help and, whilst we are more than happy to email the information around to others who might be able to help, we are sadly unable to publish each and every one. If we did then there would, quite literally, be no 2oceansvibe.
Because one cannot help everyone in need, requests like these are the ones close to my heart and family. I have always made mention that if you also struggle to choose who to give to and who to help, going for those requested on 2oceansvibe will keep you in good stead with the Gods of karma and you won't have to feel bad that you don't drive through Cape Town spending R350 a day on street children.
That said, I wish to highlight the plight of Cassie Buchanan, a little girl and member of a family who are very close to my heart. Cassie has been diagnosed with something called Aplastic Anemia, a blood disorder which, like many others, requires a bone marrow transplant. As with many of these cases, a matching (usually very rare) donor is required. This is the situation in the case of Cassie Buchanan.
Through registering and testing, The Sunflower Fund deals with increasing the number of matches on the Bone Marrow Registry for these kind of medical processes.
At about R1,000 a test and with such a small chance of finding a match, one can understand that this is not your standard medical operation fundraiser. Any assistance we can give to contribute to The Sunflower Fund's cause would therefore be greatly appreciated - no matter how small the amount.
The Sunflower Fund's banking details are:
The Sunflower Fund
ABSA BANK
Cheque account
Account number: 4051834719
Branch code: 632 005
Further to that, an account has been opened in the name of:
Cassie Buchanan Fund
RMB Private Bank
Account number: 62154514634
Branch code: 202 709
This account has been opened to help with the costs of Cassie's medical treatment. Any donation of any size would be greatly appreciated. The account is administered by the bank for all Cassie's medical treatment.
As reality seems to intermix with La-la-land [permalink]
Ok, it looks like we're being punk'd. Either that, or we're ALL on mushrooms. I mean, to have these two headlines at THE SAME TIME is just too much to bear. Let me run you through it.
Fuck me. You couldn't make this stuff up. A WARRANT is issued for the ARREST of our POLICE CHIEF and a TOP JUDGE is in court for DEFEATING THE ENDS OF JUSTICE. Those are two GLARING oxy morons (intended two word split) on virtually the same newspaper page!
IT'S
OUT
OF
CONTROL!
It's good humour though. Don't let the joke drag on too long, guys. Either that, or stop mixing mushrooms into our water system - that's naughty.
As Americanisms creep into the very fabric of our society [permalink]
"Where were you yesterday? I waited an hour for you. I thought we agreed to meet for lunch?"
"Oh, God, yes I totally forgot. Sorry. My bad."
I fucking beg your pardon? YOUR bad? What in God's name are you talking about? What the fuck is a bad? Is this some sort of experimental social game that we're playing? Is everyone allocated a certain amount of "bads" per day and have to acknowledge when each one is used up? Are there "goods" as well? Can you rack up goods and use them to cancel out bads? What the muff is going on, man?
You're not going to get away with cutifying the situation with an Americanism that should stay an Americanism. You missed our lunch which I was going to forgive you for - but now, I'm afraid, we're never having lunch again - not if you're going to talk like that. Who are you anyway? Are your parents television sets? Cos that's what you were clearly raised by. You're a mini-TV and I'm just going to have to use the mute button on you.
Christ. It was fine to play American-American when we were kids, cos that was just how cops and robbers spoke - but we're all grown up now, guys.
Once again I was day dreaming about you - my luscious, treasured readers, and I gave a tinkle to my buddies at Playeuromillions with a little plan. You'll be very pleased about what we have arranged exclusively for 2oceansvibe readers. As you should have read in today's earlier article, there is a lottery draw tomorrow that will make you a billionaire. I also told you where to go to buy your tickets for the lottery online at Playeuromillions (I'm spoon feeding you again). And now, I have something else to tell you:
All 2oceansvibe readers who buy tickets for Friday's lottery will go into ANOTHER secret little draw and stand the chance of winning a further £250. Just for fun! Because we can! That's R3,500, my darlings! That's what my mother calls a "bonsella!" It's what some people call "seven lap dances." It's like this website is some sort of a magic ATM machine! Your chances will be pretty high as well, so you're definitely being a little silly if you don't follow through with this.
What do you have to do, you ask?
It's very easy - to stand a very good chance of winning £250 (as well as R1.2 billion), simply buy a ticket for Friday's lottery online and then EMAIL/FORWARD ME your ticket confirmation (gets sent to you when you buy a ticket) to editor@2oceansvibe.com
Euro Millions jackpot is completely off the charts [permalink]
I don't do a lot of online gambling or gaming or betting and I thank God every day that I don't - because I'd be a fucking wreck. I know I'd get sucked in and enter into a downward vortex resulting in my putting the last of my world on red or black. I used to do that, by the way, when I worked my first job after school as a waiter at Bertie's Landing before it got sold (over and over again, with every new owner believing they could make it work). I would take half my weekly paycheck, go straight to an illegal casino in Sea Point (the early days) and put it all on red or black.
That's how crazy I am. I live on the edge. That's where I gotta be. That's what makes me sexy. That's what makes you want me. That, and my rapping skills.
So anyway, there is one online gaming thing I find quite tame and rather silly to ignore - and that is when Euromillions lottery goes ballistic and reaches a jackpot of 88 MILLION POUNDS! Yes, that is right, my friends. And don't lift a finger, I've already done the sum for you - it works out to R1.2 billion. That is some serious kizzash. God, that would save me a LOT of time. I'd only have to make another R800 million to reach my goal. Then I can focus more on making you laugh and healing children and working out what makes The TBG tick.
And let me tell you SOMETHING ELSE, capitan - this particular draw is what they call a "SUPERDRAW" which means that it simply "must be won". So if there are no winning numbers, then the winnings will be split amongst the next tier of winning numbers. You're virtually guaranteed of walking away a millionaire by Saturday morning. Welcome to your new life.
So that is what I am here to tell you about today - so you don't kick yourself afterwards and realise that a few clicks of your mouse could have sorted out that annoying bond of yours, or that new Chanel handbag, or that ton of saffron you needed for that special extravagant recipe you found.
It's 88 million Pounds, people - buy yourself a ticket before the end of Friday.
Please enjoy French rugby's mountain man, Chabal, during an interview - refusing to answer questions put forward in English. B E A U T I F U L!
God he is a legend. I LOVE the way he looks down when he says "we are in France" and then his nose twitches as he breathes out - it's just perfect! Like some sort of noble warrior who is fighting for the crown or God and country or something medieval. Like Braveheart - involving passion and all that cuck. Classic stuff.
This man will eat you.
thanks george
Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com [permalink]
It's a classic pose, with her tabs poking out of the outfit she is wearing - and a phone in her hand, obviously signifying her weapon of choice when accosting her hired help.
The Wellness Warehouse opens on Kloof Street and blows us away [permalink]
One of the rules that I constantly try and enforce on myself is not to stock up on junk food. If I have the need for chocolate or biltong or sweets of any sort, I am forced to go to the shops and get it. I can't keep a stock of sweets and only tickle it now and then. I can pretend to, but that only lasts a couple of hours and before I go to bed I would have devoured all of it and found myself positioning mirrors in the hall at the Safe House to get a good view of the TV as I settle into a painful extended stay in the bathroom. (I don't think that was too graphic? I mean, I didn't use words like stool or anything).
Another angle to the problem is going to shops for something good (healthy), and being tempted to buy crap at the same time. It's like running the gauntlet when you're queuing at Woolies and you find yourself subjected to temptation only Eve could describe. It's radical - you are surrounded by enough chocolate and sweets to give you full-blown acne and an extra 3 kg's by sunrise. Sin, sin, sin!
You'll have your own reasons why you love it, but for me the Wellness Warehouse in Cape Town's Kloof Lifestyle Centre on Kloof Street is what I call a "safe zone" - you can do what you want, buy what you want and EAT what you want with COMPLETE gay abandon and you won't hate yourself when you're done! PERFECT!
I don't know where to start but this place is a complete mind fuck! It is MASSIVE and basically takes up the whole of the Kloof Lifestyle centre's top section. It doesn't end! You walk in and see the usual mainstream convenience products lined-up over several aisles and are impressed by the pharmacy in the other corner - reminding you of of a classic Boots setup - but then you realise that this theme takes up only a QUARTER of the store.
You walk further and discover what-can-only-be-described as four or five other themes. Like you've walked into a CENTRE of sorts, with different stores offering different things - all falling under the heading health and wellness. But this is not a centre, my friends, this is ONE FUCKING SHOP! You'll never want to leave!
One section is dedicated to supplements and complimentary medicine, whilst another offers pilates and sports equipment. You go further into the wonderland of health and notice a plants and flowers section, a book shop focusing on body, mind and soul, a naturopathic dispensary, a spa (full, including hairdressers, massages etc.), standard cosmetics section including the likes of Clarins and Garnier, a section with stuff that is normally hard to get (like Dermalogica), a food market with wide organic choice and even recommended special bed mattresses and shower heads demonstration area! Then, just when you think it's all over, you collapse in the deli section with full Kauai-type counter with sandwiches, smoothies and everything else you want to gobble up. It is completely out of control!
Just like the question "have you joined facebook" was on everyone's lips for WAY too long, "have you been to the Wellness Warehouse" is picking up momentum and I SUGGEST you get your answer ready. Go there, and you'll be pleased you did. You'll get lost and won't want to leave. Then you'll go again. And again. Then you'll join discussions over dinner asking WHAT we did before the Wellness Warehouse came along. Like HOW did we cope without cellphones? It's the same thing - but it doesn't give you radiation burn.
It's ALL good and it's something you have never experienced before. It makes the classic South African retail experience look like something out of Tarzan.
As fast as possible [permalink]
261 km/h was the speed one motorist chose to travel last week Sunday on his way to the Wesbank race track in Alberton. Unfortunately it doesn't take a genius traffic officer to set up a speed trap on the road leading to a race track on race day. You're BOUND to get a rock pretending to BE in the races on the WAY to the races. These are special people we're dealing with and precisely the reason why our boy was caught and is now in a spot of poo.
I was intrigued as to what car was used to carry the rockspider at such phenomenal speeds. The report mentioned a Nissan Skyline GT-R. Sounding like something my grandfather might drive, I wondered what this car was all about and thought I would gather some info for you. I can just hear the petrol head readers out there getting a hard-on as they shout things like, "Oh my God, don't you know about the Skyline GTR?? Fuck bru, are you thick or something?"
No bru, I'm not thick - I was just doing other stuff when I was a kid. Like nailing your sister.
Anyway, launching in the late 80's and constantly tweaked throughout the 90's, the Nissan Skyline GT-R was an affordable route into the realms of speed usually only reserved for the likes of Porsche and Ferrari.
The Nissan Skyline GT-R
Sexy? Nah. Fast? Sure.
A brief history of the GT-R can be found here, which includes:
The GT-R of the 1990s included a potent 2.6 L straight six-cylinder twin-turbo motor producing 206 kW (276 hp) and an electronically-controlled all wheel drive drivetrain. The car had also computer-controlled all wheel steering. Its success in motor racing was formidable, particularly in the annual race at the Mount Panorama circuit in Bathurst, Australia, where the champion three years running was a GT-R (despite receiving additional weight penalties in years two and three due to its unbeatable performance) and in the Japanese GT series where it has remained dominant up to the present day.
So there you have it! A brand new piece of information, welded together using a mouse and a keyboard. Oh and I thought I would round off this weird little "piece" with a clip of Jeremy Clarkson testing the GT-R, which looks like it was made before you were born.
As she sports a tidy new bump and an even more impressive rack [permalink]
Girls will enjoy this pic of Christina Aguilera.
Guys will enjoy this pic of Christina Aguilera.
Christina, "glowing"
Christina is so fucking gorgeous and in a completely different league to the rest of the pop tarts. She never gets bust doing anything wrong. She is incredibly hot. She is GENUINELY talented. And she's married a COMPLETELY AVERAGE looking guy.
I'm very impressed.
Prick.
Obviously I do feel bad that it's my child she is carrying and that homeboy doesn't know any better. But that's just how it goes, I suppose.
You might have caught the Pavarotti feature on Carte Blanche the other day, following the flamboyant tenor's death. There was a local chick who was interviewed because she was very much involved in handling Luciano when he came to South Africa a few years back. She spoke about him with a smile from ear-to-ear, coyly admitting that he (LP) certainly did have a way with woman. I was watching the TV show with The Kitesurfer and we both turned to each other and said at the same time, "OH.....MY.....GOD......I THINK I know a little girl who gave Pavarotti a blow job!"
What a legend! We went on to discuss how much action our boy must have got in his time. "Tonnes," is the answer. Fucking TONNES of it! Chicks went mad for him. I know for a FACT that my half-aunt would have gone down on all-fours for him.
The subject came up again today as I read through the latest Popbitch newsletter. I told you a few weeks ago that if you haven't subscribed to Popbitch, you are a moron. Anyway, this is from the latest newsletter. Our suspicions are confirmed!
>> Larger than life <<
Remembering a legend in happier times
RIP Pavarotti. We recall a story we wrote about
him in 2003. While rehearsing for his farewell
performance at Covent Garden, Pavarotti sloped
off to his dressing room with two female dancers.
And was discovered a little later, by the
runner sent to retrieve him, enjoying
oral sex from one, while the other held his
stomach out of the way.
Following a reported visit to the East where his magic continues [permalink]
Can anyone be so incredibly amazing?
Sensing that Cape Town was on a TBG high, The TBG (Tall Blonde Guy) decided to bless other parts of the globe and was reported to be healing the sick and the weak and spreading general beauty and good-vibes in the East! How does this great idol find the time? And what drives him? I think he is nuclear powered, personally. How else can you create raptures of joy around you wherever you go? That's a silly question because to ask it would be to suggest he is human - which we know he is not. But WHAT is he? A transformer?
Liezel W felt some of that magic, giving us the very first TBG sighting since the return of the demigod. Not only that, THE TBG TOOK THE PICTURE FOR HER! I know, it's just too much. Listen to what she had to say:
The TBG and Liezel
A day she will never forget
Hi Seth
I’d like to tell you about my Friday night. Tis a date that will forever be etched in my memory.
07.09.07
I cruised into Asoka on Friday night for a friend’s birthday celebrations. Said all my hello’s to my fans and decided to take a nice seat in the corner, not too much attention, yet able to view all the goings on around me. As I put my bag down, I felt this warm gush of wind blow my hair….I turned around. There He was.
The TBG.
A flush came over my body, I immediately grabbed my camera. My fiancé kept asking me, what now? What’s going on? I couldn’t answer. I couldn’t speak. I HAD to get to him. As he gracefully glided through the crowd, I felt myself floating towards him (his energy is very contagious you see)…. I stopped him and barely able to speak, muffled out the words: “Would you mind if I took a picture with you?” He flashed me that all-knowing smile. “No problem” he said, and then added: “Here, let me take it”. He took the camera out of my hands and with a perfectly angled arm….took the snap. Did you get that….HE TOUCHED MY CAMERA.
After that, I couldn’t stop beaming. The feeling of meeting a legacy is just inexplicable. People kept asking me, who? What? Where? How? You can’t explain it can you? Until it’s your turn baby, until it’s your turn.
*sigh*
ciao
Liezel W
Liezel, I think more than anything a BIG THANK YOU for giving us the material and reassuring us and the rest of the continent that our great saviour has returned. And he didn't even look tired after giving so much of his soul overseas.
For me the big thing (sorry) is that she has added the website's name as a watermark in her main photograph (above). I mean, WHAT ARE THE CHANCES OF SOMEONE USING THESE PICS WITHOUT AN ACCOMPANYING REFERENCE TO MINI-BRITNEY.COM!?
I mean it's not like I'd do an article on blonde hair and just DECIDE to use THAT pic to illustrate a particular hairstyle! Why would I confuse my readers by displaying the hairstyle using a midget in a Britney Spears outfit?
People CAN ONLY and WILL ONLY use that pic to talk about HER and HER WEBSITE! You can remove the watermark! No-one is going to steal the pic!
It's all just too much for me.
I won't even START to get into the photographer's name on the same pic.
Marilyn Manson's ex, Dita Von Teese is easily my favourite burlesque fetish model. In fact I think it's fair to say that she is the ONLY model of this type that I am aware of. Either way, she is absolutely gorgeous. She's just so woman! And her tabs.... well that is why they are right here on 2oceansvibe's World famous Tuesday Tabs.
Oh yes! Crack open the shampiz, blow the dust off your shades, rub in the piz and promise not to behave - summer is here my baby and there's nothing you can do about it!
It's quite evident that summer has begun
Camps Bay was pretty empty when I found myself tip-toeing onto the beach, scared that a wall of clouds and accompanying rain would appear out of nowhere and gobble me up - sentencing me to a life of darkness living in caves with goths and tree people. But nothing happened. I cracked open my umbrella ella ella and calmly sat down on my towel, retrieving my iPod from the Carlucci's bag. I pressed play as the little black hard drive selected a song. That was when I new this was the beginning of summer. Out of NOWHERE, my iPod hit me with Long Cool Woman by The Hollies (click that link if you don't know what I'm talking about). OH MY GOD! I couldn't believe it. I fired up a tight little joint and took in my surroundings.
Hardly anyone else on the beach......, as I greased myself up and noticed that a glorious foreign woman to my right was clearly convinced that we had a connection. Hey take it easy, baby...it's gonna be a long summer....
One of our regular topless SMOKING-HOT blonde models left the beach after my first swim and only now am I really thinking about that ass she was throwing around on departure. God, you could crack a coconut on that thing! I think I know a little SOMEBODY who did some WORK during the winter. Good girl, Daddy is pleased.
I smashed a cocktail at Caprice, got back to the Bantry Bay pad (The Safe House is undergoing some alterations. Grrr!) and checked the weather forecast for the rest of the week.
Aaaah, look at that:
Laughable
If the top pic in this article is what they mean when they say "scattered clouds" and "22 degrees" (Monday above) then we're LAUGHING this summer. Maybe clouds is a new word for ass and they're referring to sightings of scattered ass everywhere.
Anyway, with the odd suspected drop of tame-rain on the weekend and more sun to follow, I think it's safe to say it - Welcome to Summer, people.
I'll show you some scattered clouds RIGHT THERE! Yeah, you like that?
Crucifix carrying gentleman follows through with given task [permalink]
Is it just me, or does this stuff happen to all of you? It's like The Truman Show or something. I feel like I'm being hit with these mind-blowing human-interaction incidents WAY too often. Just a couple of weeks ago I received a vision in the form of an angel wearing my orange Polo jersey - but I think that must have been a dream because she seems to have vanished.. I couldn't imagine things could get more crazy until I found myself driving along the Constantia Uitsig road in Constantia last week..
Up in the distance was a figure. I laughed to myself because from that far away it looked like the guy was carrying a cross of sorts - like a crucifix. IMAGINE! I mused to myself as I drove closer and closer to the guy, slowly realising that what I thought was true.
A vision
"JESUS," I shrieked during a phone call I was conducting with The Hand at the same time.
"What happened," asked The Hand.
"No....nothings HAPPENED, it....it..........it's JESUS.....I think Jesus is in Constantia! There's this guy carrying a crucifix down the road! What the fuck is going on here, man?"
"Naah, that guy's been doing that for years" reacted The Hand, calmly - as he should.......BEING The Hand.
I ended the call and parked on the side of the road ahead of him, waiting for him to get closer to me. I didn't know what I was going to do with him when he got to me, I'd just have to ride it out and see. Thank GOD I brought my camera. I popped it onto video mode and met the lone crusader - here is the interview:
So there you have it! If you for some incredibly sad bizarre reason are NOT able to see that video, I'll break it down for you:
Mark, the messenger from God, received a mission from The Lord through prayer. Poor guy! I must say that I count myself quite lucky with the mission I was set - that of keeping you smiling and to rid the world of bad people, idiots and losers. Shame, Mark got one of the more strenuous tasks, I'd say. To build and carry a crucifix on his shoulder! And not only that - I asked what sort of timeframe God was looking at for this particular mission. He said that, although he had been doing it on and off since 1991, this time he was going to continue doing it for "a lifetime."
A LIFETIME!? That is HECTIC BRU!
Bad luck - but good, I suppose. It's definitely going to keep you from sinning! I mean PHYSICALLY you won't even be able to get THROUGH the doors at Maverick's, let alone LUST over Eastern-European tricksters in a haze of liquor, pop music, smoke and sex.
Mark - just chilling..
So he (Mark) said God had a plan for all of us and that everything was happening for a reason. Religious or not, I told him that SOMETHING was definitely going on because I SOMEHOW remembered my camera and therefore had NO option but to put his video on 2oceansvibe - as a gift to the readers. So we kill two birds with one stone; I entertain the readers and Mark gets his message out even further.
Didn't Noah kill two birds with one stone or something? They fell out the sky and hit a rock and turned into wine I think. You'll have to look it up - don't quote me.
As Johann Rupert flies in lawyers on his Boeing Business jet [permalink]
God I love this country! Springbok powerhouse Schalk Burger gets cited for dangerous play and Johann Rupert, who is essentially a private citizen, sends in his private jet (the Boeing BBJ) with enough legal clout on board to free Dina Rodriguez.
And it worked! Fuck it's funny! A very possible entire-tournament-ban could have been on the cards. There was a hearing and the four-match ban verdict was appealed, resulting in a gentle two-match ban.
It's HILARIOUS! I love it!
Say what you want about Johann Rupert - he saved the day and it he did it in style. He's definitely got the 2 Oceans Vibe and doesn't mind following through on things that he is passionate about. I assure you it wasn't about showing off, it was about getting the job done. Time was a factor and the nation's rugby team needed help. He just happens to have the toys that make it easier. It's quicker on a jet and, because of the layout and features in the Boeing BBJ they were able to work on the case en route - saving even more time!
Beautiful! I'm FINE with that!
The Boeing Business Jet (BBJ)
When you simply REFUSE to fuck around
So THAT happened last week....and then we put England over our knee on the weekend which resulted in a surprising, humbled phone call from The UK Showbiz Guy, who wished to show how "gracious in defeat" he was. Very impressive, mate.
It feels good and I gotta say it, I'm THOROUGHLY enjoying the Springboks at the moment. They're loads of fun! And I see The Loose Forward has a little diary going on the Castle Lager website in the form of Bobby Skinstad's World Cup diary. CHRIST, IT'S ALL HAPPENING!
So whilst we're on the subject of all things rugger, I have decided to use this pic I have had for quite some time of Butch James flying through the air like some sort of a bird of prey. I've had this pic for a while because I wanted to do an article ages ago congratulating Butch for the perfect TV dive. He is in the air parallel to the ground with the ball perfectly under his left arm. His right arm is extended directly in front of him, with the CLASSIC pointed finger aimed at the crowd. His head is lifted and he is looking at them, taking it all in.
Do you know how difficult it is to get that all right? Try it now. At your desk. Right now. Pretend you're holding a ball under your arm and lift your head so you're looking at the ceiling. Now extend your right arm up and point your finger at the ceiling. Now imagine doing that lying-down going FORWARDS in the fucking AIR! It looks easy, but it's not - Butch is a professional and I very much doubt you should even consider trying this at home.
