Just as we get used to Brendan, they send in another one
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I had a small cotch in my mouth and then swallowed it again, as I opened the door, looked at the bill and noticed that the person in front of me, "Ed," was in the process of completing his 185th "mission...... for Butlers Pizza"

Oh sweet Jesus Mother of God.

Is this really happening to me?

I don't know if Butlers are doing a collaboration with Ashton Kutcher but I, as usual, specifically ASKED FOR A BUTLER WITH AT LEAST 1,000 MISSIONS UNDER HIS BELT! Someone tell me I'm being Punk'd! Please, dear God, tell me you're not SERIOUSLY fucking around with me to this extent?!

It takes me back to the day I got Brendan for the first time. He was on his 12th mission. I nearly had a nervous breakdown at the time but managed to make it through to the other side. The next time he came to The Safe House he was on his 71st mission - coming along nicely. Although I was still freaked out that he was sub 1,000, I had confidence in him. I could see he wasn't like the other drivers. This kid had it all. Attitude, guts.....determination. This kid could easily go down as one of the best of the best. One of the biggest. As big as Martin Cummerford? I don't know. Time will tell.

I've got used to Brendan and congratulated him on raising his bat the last time he brought pizza, noting that he was over the 100 mark. God.... who would have thought...

Surely?

Anyway. I ordered pizza again tonight from Butlers and, can you believe it, they went and did it again! I opened the door and was presented with "Ed". I could tell from just looking at him that he was sub 200. I looked down at the bill........ 185 missions. As I fucking thought. If I hadn't had a fresh joint before he arrived I would have bludgeoned him to death with my mouse.

I told him I just had to go to the other room to get the money. I went to my bedroom and lay down for a minute. How was I possibly going to make it through this? This guy was a fucking nightmare! Where did they find this pretender? Was he a human, or did they create him in order to destroy me? Ed was OUTRAGEOUS! He was just too untidy. His bow tie was skew, he didn't stand up straight, he was almost definitely stoned and......and....and that BEARD!. Oh for fuck sakes man! What is going on with that beard? It was such a blur and happened so fast.....Honestly......I can't even tell you if he was was wearing his cummerband or not..

..I DOUBT he was.

[take a breath]

I kept my eye on the ground as I passed him the cheque and pointed to the door to show him what his next move was going to be.

He skulked out the room....


"Ay thanks for the tip, bruuuuu"


"Pleasure" [GET THE FUCK OUT OF HEEEERE!]


"Hey........ like, how do I like.....do the door downstairs bru?"


[how do I "do" the door? What is that? Do you want to fuck the door?]


"You turn the knob and then remember to close it nicely" [AAAAARRRGH!! Get this guy out of my liiiife!]


"Ok....cool.........shot.............cheers bruuuuu"


I slammed the door and collapsed on the 2.5m sofa....

[we pause to reflect.....breathe....]

Good Lord.........WHAT an ordeal! I can't finish this pizza. I'm not even hungry anymore.

It's just too much. No more games, guys, please.

Seriously, please guys. I'm exhausted.


Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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