Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle brand, Goop, has been pulled through the wringer a few times, usually by logical people who can see the insanity behind inserting rocks into your lady bits.
This month the company made headlines for settling a lawsuit over claims that the aforementioned rocks, or vaginal eggs as Gwyneth calls them, could balance hormones.
Despite the controversies, brands like Goop can always rely on stupid people with too much money to keep their sales up.
In fact, Business Insider reports that the company is now worth $250 million, so let’s take a look at some of the weirdest products on offer.
The Elvie pelvic floor trainer, £169 (R3 100)
Fact – your pelvic floor muscles are not supposed to contract continuously. If believing that Goop products actually work hasn’t already ruined your sex life and relationships, then this thing will finish the job by causing really bad pelvic pain.
Fur pubic hair oil, £45 (R630)
If you don’t shave or wax your bikini line, then this oil is a way for Gwyneth Paltrow to make money. Don’t put odd oils in your bikini area, it’s bad for you.
Amethyst bottle, £78 (R1 500)
Goop’s amethyst bottles claim to infuse your water with positive energy, and even “enhance existing psychic abilities”.
It’s a rock in a water bottle. You can DIY your own by buying a water bottle and putting a rock in it. It will be just as effective.
The Yoni Egg in jade, £65 (R1 400)
I’m going to hand this one over to Dr Jen Gunter, a California-based gynaecologist and obstetrician, who answered some questions about Goop for The Independent:
“The claim that they can balance hormones is, quite simply, biologically impossible,” she furiously wrote. “Pelvic floor exercises can help with incontinence and even give stronger orgasms for some women, but they cannot change hormones. As for female energy? I’m a gynaecologist and I don’t know what that is?!”
She then issued a health warning claiming that as jade is porous it could pave the way for a bacterial infection.
Enough said about that.
Crave Vesper Vibrator Necklace, £145 (R2 800)
It’s a gold-plated vibrator necklace, for those times when you just can’t wait? I have no idea why this would be useful, or why anyone would wear it.
Get Happy body wash, £20 (R300)
Get Happy bodywash claims to contain essential oils known to uplift your mood. We’re not entirely sure what organic geranium and peppermint have to do with one’s outlook on life, but for just £20, it’s the cheapest thing in this list.
Sure. I contain essential common-sense that stops me from spending money on this crap.
KYPRIS Moonlight Catalyst, £75 (R1 400)
“Some things are best done under the moon and stars,” according to the description on the bottle of KYPRIS Moonlight Catalyst.
This “miracle serum” is billed as an herbal alternative to retinoid treatments, using pumpkin enzymes, Hawaiian sea algae, and more to refine your complexion.
The description goes on to tell you that you should apply a few drops after sunset. Why after sunset? Maybe if you apply it before sunset you turn into an actress/con artist who owns a bogus lifestyle company and names her children after fruit.
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