In case you missed it, Kwazulu/Natal MEC for TRANSPORT, Bheki Cele, has hit out at critics and vehemently defended his motorcade's use of blue lights the other day, BECAUSE HE WAS LATE FOR A MEETING!
Cele went on to say that flashing blue lights were used for emergencies and his being late for a meeting, "constitutes an emergency."
By this fact, and using the Bheki Cele mathematics dictionary, we can deduce the following:
If x = Real Time - Africa Time
and Bheki's lateness for a meeting = emergency (given)
and lateness for a meeting = Real Time - Africa Time (given)
then x = emergency
Therefore: Africa Time - Real Time = emergency
This obviously differs greatly from the dictionary definition of 'emergency' which describes: "a sudden unforeseen crisis (usually involving danger) that requires immediate action."
Bheki's being late for a meeting is not a fucking "crisis".
Bheki Cele (centre) having an emergency meeting
As much as everyone agrees that he is off his head, this anger we feel is far outweighed by the pure uncut embarrassment we feel when yet another one of our ministers is seen by the WHOLE FUCKING WORLD to be publicly and confidently trying to justify being late for a meeting as an 'emergency'. Do you know what everyone says the moment they hear that, Bheki? It's QUITE simple and it's QUITE obvious. I know because I just said it to myself:
Who the FUCK does Bheki Cele think he is?
And for Bheki Cele to not have the basic understanding of how actions convert to reactions is just too alarming for words. Any semi-politically minded individual and anyone with HALF a brain would LIE and make up another excuse. But for him to not be AWARE of the potential public outcry following such a ludicrous statement, is just beyond me! This VERY CLEARLY illustrates that the minister has absolutely ZERO understanding of politics and general human behaviour and is devoid of any social skills, principles or conscience. In fact, it frighteningly lends itself to the Mugabe/Hitler errant moral compass - that which screams complete arrogance and utter belief in one's carious standards.
You think I'm exaggerating? I swear to God there are more than just a handful of foreigners overseas reading this morning's article on the internet, saying JUST THAT.
It's always nice to see one of our boys, Christian Slater, still commanding only the highest quality poontang at all times. Here we see our boy chilling on the beach with a sophisticated brunette angel. God Slates is cool. He's just too cool.
Bones her when he wants
Brunettes are SO right now!
Here's another pic for you to click. Howz our boy's trouser area?
So much is being said about Alec Baldwin's state of mind during that infamous phone message to his daughter, Ireland. Some say he is a bastard, others say he is is merely under immense stress, thanks to Kim Basinger who manipulates and confuses him, CONSTANTLY. But most of us realise that he is just a little boy, trapped inside an actor, wanting to give his best performance EVERY TIME!
And that is why now, a week on from the incident, we here at 2oceansvibe.com decided that a little bit more clarity was called for. Out of the goodness of our hearts and without a penny from the Baldwin Foundation, we have painstakingly recreated that moment in that New York hotel room, where there was nothing but Alec, his phone and a bottle of Jamesons. Finally, we can visualise how it went down.
You should keep up to date with Britney's progress as she ascends from the abyss of madness that she now calls home. Here we see a recent pick of her, clearly quite proud of her tummy-tum-tum. Unlike Val Kilmer, we notice she has been doing a bit of work in that region.
Good girl. Baby steps. Now we just need to get you to stop looking like a freak show and we'll be A for Away!
Picked up this STUNNING pic of Val Kilmer on the set of a new movie. God, it's a pearler! He really is a fatty boom-boom!
What's your problem, Kazanski?
But the way he is supporting himself really makes it for me. He really looks helpless - like he is looking for help to get up. And the fact that he has those flippers on! He looks aquatic. Like a manatee. Here is a pic from manatee spoof of Top Gun made several years ago. This is the manatee that played Ice Man.
Here's a wonderful little story about two teenage girls who murdered their friend because it just felt right at the time."Sunday morning we woke and we were just talking, and for some reason we just decided to kill her." They also admitted that they had practiced murder by killing two kittens. Once they had killed her they buried her and pretended to search for her with the family. Then they felt a little bad and turned themselves in. Pathetic. They could have killed again. Now they have to go to jail for life.
In a similarly unfair story, a youth gets life imprisonment for chopping his mate's head off. I think it's absolute bullshit! If you read on you will learn that he only did it because his buddy demanded "sexual favours" of him. OBVIOUSLY he's going to chop his fucking head off! What other option does he have?
Obviously that story leads very smoothly into this one, which features a man who yesterday ran into London restaurant Zizzi and chopped off his main chap. Nice one! Amazing though, there seems to be a story like this every year. Someone is simply bound to chop their cock off every year. It just HAS to happen. Imagine if YOU are due to chop your cock off in the next week! Imagine if it just HAPPENS to be your turn. You'll be in the kitchen making some tea and suddenly, uncontrollably, your hand opens the drawer and grabs a knife - whilst the other hand pulls out your guy and stretches it out over the counter as you stand on your tippy-toe,s unable to stop the madness. And then.... WHAMMO!!!!! Cock GONE!
It fels like you're stealing, and you like it! [permalink]
Two weeks left for the most exciting item nearlyfree.co.za have had for a while. The Playstation 3 for only R350! Organisers have told me that there is still room for quite a few bids to be made. Personally I have made two bids and they're both still looking good!
For the Playstation 3, There is a maximum bid of R350 and an admin fee of R50. The 'required bids' is 250 (maximum number of bids allowed for the auction) . These figures will change with every item on the website.
What this means is that no more than 250 bids can be made. Each bid will cost R50 to make and no bid can be higher than R350. The winner of the iPod Nano will be the highest unique bid. Understanding the concept becomes quite simple if you understand exactly what the word 'unique' means. It is the 'only one' or the highest 'stand alone' bid. That means if you bid R350 (full Rands only, no cents) and someone else also bids R350, then neither of you win - because the bid is not unique. R350 is therefore NOT the highest UNIQUE bid. So if you also make a bid of R349 and you are the only person to choose R349, then you will have the highest UNIQUE bid. Congratulations, the Playstation 3 is yours for R349!
Let me introduce you to Lucy Pinder. Well known in the UK, Lucy made her name as a glamour model.
Luce. Relaxed.
Aah, you like? Isn't she gorgeous!
Up until now, Lucy Pinder has refused to go fully topless, always posing topless, but hiding her nipples. Her gorgeous nipples. But then, within the last month, Lucy gave us the gift of nipples in Nuts Magazine. I managed to get that for you and I want you to enjoy it.
You should be aware of Alec Baldwin's ongoing custody battle with ex-wife Kim Basinger over their daughter, Ireland. The two take swipes at each other from time to time, often via the press. This week was no exception - in the form of a recorded message that Alec left on his daughter's cell phone. Kim, naturally, sent a recording of the message to the tabloids. 2oceansvibe, naturally, has that recording for you.
Take a good look at Alec Baldwin.
Enjoy him.
There are clearly certain times in the week that Alec is allowed to call his daughter for a pre-scheduled chat. He called earlier on this week and his daughter's phone was off. Alec lost his fucking mind with a monologue that could only be eclipsed by his moment of beauty in the film Glengarry Glen Ross. The beauty of it all is that it was directed at an 11-year old! Calling her a "rude selfish little pig" towards the end of the message. This, my friends, is nothing short of AWESOME!
Enjoy it:
Was it as good for you as it was for me? 'Cos I fucking LOVED it. I love the forewarning of his imminent arrival which will be followed by him "straightening" her "ass out" in person! And that he will "really make sure" that she "gets it!" To an 11-year old! Amazing! Christ, she must have shat herself!
He mentions on his website that Ireland's mother, Kim Basinger, has been constantly manipulative throughout the custody battle and I can't help but take his side. Kim has obviously completely fucked with his mind and this is the result. I've seen this shit before. Believe me - don't even let me get started with my own extended family's soap opera - complete with love triangles, love children and custody battles et al. Trust me, these women lose their fucking minds. That is why there is a saying to do with scorned women, their fury, and hell.
With his off-screen antics constantly raising the age old question of whether life imitates art or vice versa, I think we should stop freaking out about Alec and realise that we have something quite special on our hands here. I went to "Google" and typed in "Alec Baldwin is a" and clicked "search". Wow, what a response! There was a myriad of articles.
"Alec Baldwin is a bastard"
"Alec Baldwin is a tyrant"
"Alec Baldwin is a prick"
And so it went on. He certainly has made a name for himself off-screen, CONSTANTLY throwing tantrums and causing a scene and I think he should be celebrated. People mock him as an actor when I feel his acting ability is seriously unbelievable - most recently giving us 20-minute parts of utter brilliance. Rent out "Along Came Polly" and tell me he's not a fucking legend. Check out that speech in "Glengarry Glen Ross" and finish your self off with "The Cooler". We NEED Alec Baldwin and we should applaud his tantrums as we would any other Hollywood legend. We should be amused, not upset. You like Alec Baldwin. You LOVE Alec Baldwin. You WANT another story about him throwing his toys out the cot.
Does anyone remember this image in the press showing Alec lecturing a cop because he wasn't let through a cordoned off street due to a fire? HILARIOUS!
The cop cannot possibly comprehend how important Alec is.
There are loads of stories and encounters on the so called "internet", including the following incident where Baldwin handles a phone-in on a radio talk show. The call comes from another show's host, Sean Hannity, and the two proceed to trade insults, including Baldwin calling Hannity an "ignorant boob" and suggests the "ignorant fool from Long-Island" should "go back to building houses in Hampstead." Check it out, it's outstanding!
Sensational stuff! He is SUCH an angry man. But he's SUCH a great actor. We cannot get worked up by his attitude, vanity and the fact that he is an egomaniac. People should see it as entertainment.
He can carry on.
I enjoy him.
WE enjoy him.
Keep it up, Alec - 2oceansvibe salutes you.
And lastly, a pic on Alec's website, which is just too beautiful to behold. The genius is in the caption. Notice how one of the most powerful men in the World has the honour of shaking the mere hand of Alec Baldwin.
It is with some amusement that I read the words "Private Number" or "Unknown" on my cellphone's display. The phone is set to 'silent', returned to it's previous position and ignored. Unknown numbers will, quite simply, not be answered. Ever. The non-answering of these calls has become something of second nature to me. It's honestly reached a point that I don't even know that I'm doing it. Like changing gears in a car. That's how real the situation is. It's like the call never occurred.
And let me tell you this as well, secret person, you can ring back as many times as you want and I swear to God nothing is going to change. If you INSIST on using a hidden number then the only form of communication will have to, and can only be in the form of a message. You can choose not to leave a message as many times as you fucking want and you know what? Nothings going to change, Freak Show.
The Maasai people are not scared of
taking calls from Private Numbers
I was chatting to The Lawyer about this and she confessed that she is prone to taking even more extreme measures. She turns on them like an Alsation and presses the red phone instead of the green phone - killing the call - not even letting them get to the voicemail message. She fucking punishes them. Ring-ring... RED PHONE...BANG!...FUCK YOU! Callers are left with the dull pain one feels when a ringing phone sound turns into a busy signal - knowingly dealt by the would-be answerer..
..and then they call again.
"RING-RING"
[RED BUTTON] - BANG! FUCK YOU!
"RING-RI.."
[RED BUTTON] - WHAMMO! FUCK OFF!
"RING"
[RED BUTTON] - BAH! DIE!
"R"
[RED BUTTON] - BANG! And punished!
It's not to do with being a tit, it's merely the insane risk of taking a call that just doesn't fit the current situation. I mean...Jesus.....are you fucking high?
Friends can call and their names will come up and the call could still be ignored. It's nothing nasty - clearly you're busy. The beauty of this is they don't even have to leave a message. They know that the situation wasn't ideal and they know you'll probably call them back. And if you don't, it means you forgot and that they should try again later. There's no malice involved. So that's all pretty easy to deal with and understand. But an unknown number could very easily be some cock from FNB telling you that you have been pre-approved for a.... FUCK OFF! Cock!
I can hear some of you whining that your company's switchboard shows up as a private number and there is nothing you can do about it. Ok. Good. We've already covered that. Leave a message.
Ok, so are we clear?
Good.
That's all I really wanted to say right now.
Good luck with that Private Number of yours. I wish you two all the best.
You should remember the article I wrote about this "Highest Unique Bid" concept that has arrived in South Africa. It's bloody brilliant! Whether you have read it or not, waddle on down to www.nearlyfree.co.za and get yourself a Playstation 3 for R350. I am not spicing you!
I will explain how it works. For the Playstation 3, There is a maximum bid of R350 and an admin fee of R50. The 'required bids' is 250 (maximum number of bids allowed for the auction) . These figures will change with every item on the website.
What this means is that no more than 250 bids can be made. Each bid will cost R50 to make and no bid can be higher than R350. The winner of the iPod Nano will be the highest unique bid. Understanding the concept becomes quite simple if you understand exactly what the word 'unique' means. It is the 'only one' or the highest 'stand alone' bid. That means if you bid R350 (full Rands only, no cents) and someone else also bids R350, then neither of you win - because the bid is not unique. R350 is therefore NOT the highest UNIQUE bid. So if you also make a bid of R349 and you are the only person to choose R349, then you will have the highest UNIQUE bid. Congratulations, the Playstation 3 is yours for R349!
R350 Playstation 3
So there you have it!! The website www.nearlyfree.co.za launched a couple months ago and has already featured auctions including an iPod Nano (R100), a Blackberry (R150) and a Samsung double door fridge (R700).
This particular bid (for the Playstation 3) ends on May 7
Our favourite little tart has been quiet on these pages of late and I thought a recent shot of her ever-present, very tanned arsehole was necessary. Ladies and gentlemen, Paris Hilton.
The people who run the new car showroom in place of the old Bloomsbury on Buitengracht Street, Autohaus, are obviously under the impression that their new premises came with an absolute BONSELLA, in the form of front steps that double-up as a 4X4 display - not realising, of course, that the slope of the stairs renders the display nothing short of preposterous. If I may:
Your classic nose-dive
Guys, I can see what you're doing, but it's not going to work. I can just imagine the conversation upon signing of the lease:
"'Ell we got such a geluk with our new premises! It comes with a built-in bloody [higher pitched voice] display unit!
Can you BELIEVE IT!"
It's just too steep, guys, even for a 4X4. I'm impressed that you've been thinking "out of the box" and applaud your creativity, however there is a point where aesthetics out-rule creativity.
"Crocs" shoes are another fine example.
Unless you're simply trying to provide some general good humour for passers-by?
A live gig turns into a surreal moment [permalink]
One of SA's top recording artists and 2oceansvibe friend, James Stewart, has finally had his moment in the sun with the great man. Increasingly elusive, it seems that stolen moments with the TBG (Tall Blonde Guy) are nothing short of sacred. Some call it the second coming. Some say he is an illusion, a myth. Call it what you want, the man is a gift to us all and we should embrace him - as we see him embracing young James here, below.
Let's see what James had to say:
James Stewart and The TBG
Hey Seth,
Ok. Let me take a deep breath and start at the beginning...
I invited all my friends to Ignite some time ago to record a live album. We flew the fantastic Tom Fox (guitar player for The Usual & Bright Blue) out from New Zealand where he is hiding now. We also enjoyed the company of Yoyo (bass player The Usual) and Preston Heymann (drummer & percussionist for Eric Clapton, Peter Gabriel,Kate Bush and a host of pasty English bands).
I was in great company - sophisticated, yet rowdy. The weather was perfect. We played two great sets and our sound engineer Richard Black from Street Level Records said it couldn't have gone any better.....well, bless him - he couldn't have been further off the mark.
Admittedly by 11.30pm i was swimming like a miggie in a near-exhausted bottle of Famous Grouse. We were having a laugh. The room grew quiet. I looked up. I've seen so many pictures and heard so many wondrous accounts of chance (is it really chance?) encounters with the Tall Blonde Guy (TBG) but I immediately 'understood'........... there he was - at MY gig!!
"Nice show" he said.
Just those two words. I've had compliments from diplomats, CEO's and captains of the music industry that simply fall away in their emptiness compared to this zen utterance.
Witty, warm, interested.....
The picture, seth, speaks for itself.
I'm a bastard. I said I'd keep the picture to myself as he's wearied by the public obsession with him. But my ego got the better of me and i just hope The TBG understands that I simply couldn't resist. I had to let you and your readers know of my blessing.
Thanks, for everything.
James Stewart
Well done, James. You deserve it. One cannot comprehend the magic you must have felt being held so tightly by the Atlantic Icon. Your joy in the photograph is tangible.
It really is a treat when one is able to present a topless shot of a Supermodel.
"'Ell, what a pleasure!"
Fine
So here we have supermodel, Karolina Kurkova, showing us exactly why she is a Victoria's Secret model. I am very pleased with the results. But the best thing about all of this is she seems like a bloody decent young lady. I could just imagine laughing with her about how awkward it was when I first met her parents. When I tried to communicate in their language and I said "Pleased to pee on you," instead of "pleased to meet you!"
Ha ha ha!! That was SO funny! And to think that was two whole years ago...before we even knew we would be having our one-year-old son, D'Artagnan. God, he is beautiful.
The US obsession for students to play real-life-Doom continues as the worst shooting of its kind has just occured at Virginia Tech, US where 31 people have been killed so far. (31 on SKY and 21 on CNN. Cannot imagine how the numbers could be so vastly different!).
Amazing that during all the reporting on the shooting and what's happening and who's dead and what the motive was etc. etc. etc., the guy also announces that "All classes have been cancelled."
Hmmm, do ya think?
This is all the footage they have so far - taken from someone's cellphone.
I order pizza from Butlers about once a week and have always insisted that they do NOT send me a driver with any less than 1,500 "missions" under his belt. I'm not trying to be a cock, I just don't think that drivers with any less missions will have the wherewithal for the job at hand. I've been there, I know the drill.
So a few weeks back the doorbell rang and I was presented with my pizza by a Butler by the name of Brendan. I grabbed the kitchen counter to steady myself as I noticed that he was in the process of completing his 12th mission.
HIS 12TH MISSION!!! OH SWEET JESUS!!!! ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!?
Brendan noticed that something was amiss and asked if everything was ok. I asked how long he had been working as a Butler for.
"This is my first night," our boy replied.
I staggered to the lounge to fetch the cheque I had previously signed. I gave it to him, speechless, as he hurtled out of the safe house.
I sat on the sofa in silence. Just thinking, still shell-shocked.
The doorbell rang again.
Oh my God, what the fuck is going on.
"Yes!" I blurted over the intercom, still struggling to stand without support.
"Hi, it's Brendan," he mustered.
"What the fuck is it, Brendan?"
"I.....I....I gave you the wrong bill," he stammered.
Oh, good Lord! You see, this is EXACTLY why they CANNOT send amateurs to do a man's job.
"What are you saying, Brendan? Are you trying to tell me that this was actually your 11th mission!?"
"Yes," he confirmed.
OH MY GOD. It was all too much. I tossed the slip over the balcony and broke into tears on the sofa.
Early days for the youngster
A few weeks have passed since the incident and Brendan made his second appearance at the Safe House last night. I am happy to report that our boy was on his 71st mission and there were no fuck-ups this time.
*SIGH*
God, it's incredible, you know.........it seems like just yesterday....
I gave a proud smirk. Who would have thought!
Well done, Brendan - you're coming along nicely. You'll be raising your bat in no time.
It is always an absolute treat when old friends launch something in the public eye and you become a genuine fan of theirs - rather than having to fake it! This is without doubt true of The Dirty Skirts and their new album "On a Stellar Bender." Fuck it is good!
The new album - sick
In particular I have taken to BLASTING "Home Wrecker" every time I get into the car. The song gets you from the word GO with their special, chiseled, full rock sound, combined with insane lyrics (Home wrecker begins: "Time check / up and at 'em / best jocks / comb locks / don suit that fits / like a knife!").
These boys are the real deal and I cannot think of a more genuine rock act in South Africa. But don't take my word for it - I've organised you a download so you can decide for yourselves.
Aerosmith frontman and creator of Liv Tyler, Steve Tyler, decided to check on his main chap in full view of paparazzi. The result is a very disappointing shot of his guy.
Mavis has apparently been working so hard that she felt it was necessary to go on holiday. She requested two weeks holiday. I thought it should be fine, given that I was doing my glider flying training for the first half of the proposed fortnight. The P.A. assured me everything would be taken care of and that Mavis had an understudy, Ethel. Apparently Ethel would be briefed in-depth as to the ways of Seth, before her Royal Highness finally gets a c
