The Roofer thought it necessary to announce that "fuckall is happening at 2oceansvibe at the moment, hey?," as I headed back from a break with the folks in Franschhoek at La Petit Ferme.
(Stunning, by the way..)
I ummed and arred and declared that there had surely been at least one article every two or three days.
"MORE like every four or five days!" he guffawed. But that wasn't enough for our boy, who was quite clearly on a roll, of sorts. "If I see one more fucken picture of Camps Bay I'm gonna cotch on myself," he went on to say, colourfully.
Good heavens! What EXACTLY were we dealing with?
We will leave that question up to the gods as we publish this NEW picture, NOT of Camps Bay, in this NEW article on the 29th of December 2007, exactly THREE days since the last article (which came three days after the preceding article).
Franschhoek, ladies and gentlemen..
The hotel receptionist insisted on taking the picture
We (the Louis Vuitton tog bag, and I) had a cottage and pool to ourselves, as the Franschhoek valley soothed us with its unique tranquil, yet sexual charm.
Louis - very at home in a rural environment
The winelands rest was well received, and I returned to the Bantry Bay pad before lunchtime today, narrowly escaping being gobbled-up entirely by Victoria Road ('Route Mayhem').
It was after quite some time that I realised I was chewing on the heel of the sofa, like a dog. Trying to make sense of my bizarre behaviour, I realised that the neighbour (in his 60's, overweight, angry) had chosen TODAY to operate incredibly powerful industrial machinery at home. TODAY. December 29, a Saturday, at lunch time..
Surely not?
Even with a previous altercation suggesting hypocrisy in hand, I maturely resisted the urge to knock on his door and deliver my very own version of Tom Cruise's case-closer from A Few Good Men. But I couldn't just STOP the script NOW, without giving it a CHANCE. So I allowed myself further interaction, SHOULD he be OUTSIDE his house during my imminent stroll to Carlucci's and The Pharmacy for a can of Coke and a pack of Calmettes"respectively" (oh very smart!).
Calmettes - friend
The chances were slim.
Keen to give the script half a chance, I rolled a tight one and walked out the door. Destination Carlucci's.
Whaddaya know... THE GUY WAS OUTSIDE, CARRYING A POT PLANT!
I remembered my promise to myself and cleared my throat, delivering the intro to the scene, "Umm, excuse me hi there...."
"YES! how can I help you," he shouted, VERY AWARE that something like this could well occur, following his most recent offloading of shock and awe over Bantry Bay.
"Sorry to bother, I just wanted to ask if perhaps you've recently been operating very powerful machinery in your home?" I glanced at my watch. I was looking good. Very cool.
"Who cares. Why do you ask?" he attacked.
"No, look, it's nothing serious.. I just found it interesting that it was just the other day, thisweek, that you came outside to this road and scolded me for swearing." (I had been expressing myself to The P.A. in the road a few days earlier as she drove by to show me the busts of my head that required approval before their shipment to The East.)
It was at that exact moment that he realised the enormity of the killer blow I had just delivered. His Godawful wife/whore came to his shoulder during his ensuing verbal BARRAGE.
"I WILL DO WHAT I DAMN WELL PLEASE WITHIN THE LAW ON MY PROPERTY AND HOW DARE YOU AND THIS NEIGHBOURHOOD AND BY GOD AND NOTHING TO DO WITH FOUL LANGUAGE AND WHO DO YOU THINK YOU..." and thisss and thattt.
I remained silent, lit the joint and walked away..
It was so tragic.
It was also the end of the movie.
As the villain, he was a very good supporting actor.
But I had won.
Damnit, WE had won! You and I.
I walked on, looking straight ahead at the beautiful sexual buzz outside Carlucci's, perfectly playing out the final few seconds of the summer blockbuster.
His original fish-wife could be heard shrieking in the background, "Get a life!"
Coming to you via LIVE-streaming internet radio at 14h00 (SA TIME) [permalink]
The stars seem to have aligned as our regular live Thursday online radio show, The 2oceansvibe Show, HAPPENS to coincide with TBG Day - December 27! That is exactly why we will be celebrating TBG on air from 14h00 until 16h00 with the founder of TBG Day, Johnny Vaughan (The UK Showbiz Guy).
TBG Day - 27 December 2007
As a special part of the show, The UK Showbiz Guy has managed to get in touch with The TBG and has some sort of "special message" to deliver to us from the great man, LIVE ON AIR!
The UK Showbiz Guy
Has special message to deliver..from The TBG
I don't know what the message is about and I don't want to talk about it for much longer - I've only just changed into fresh shorts for the day and don't want to spoil them right now. All I can say is that it simply doesn't get bigger than this!
So join us tomorrow, 27 December, LIVE at 14h00, for this SPECIAL TBG Edition of The 2oceansvibe Show!
In the meantime, enjoy these pics of The Atlantic Seaboard, Boxing Day, 2007 - on the eve of TBG Day.
As we prepare to celebrate the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ [permalink]
To explain it would be to overdo it: Behold the 2007 festive season's seething mass, breathing waves of pleasure and enchantment into The Camps Bay Strip, as Cape Town continues to enthrall and amuse in a rhythmic romp of intoxicated euphoria.
Feel it inside you..
Touch yourself..
Well done, everyone, we're doing good....for now. We have made it thus far, unscathed. But it's only the 23rd. There is some way to go.. But never fear, the Gods of weather and time have put together a cunning schedule for us!
The last two days (Friday and Saturday) have been absolute beauties, with "the mercury" childishly seducing the early-30's - a proven catalyst for madness. Things were quite clearly out of control as we, through the haze of dry white, contemplated a woman with the largest pair of tits and the tightest ass, walking into Caprice with nothing but dental floss covering each breast. It was like a porn shoot! Her accessories included last season's Chanel bag and an incredibly plain looking, feeble-framed gentleman, who could only have been her gimp. Great viewing pleasure! Whilst MORE than welcome, I think it's fair to say that they weren't from these parts.
Quality stuff! Keep 'em coming, Jo'burg!
Back to what we were saying before; the bold, the beautiful, the wealthy and the plebs in between have been granted a season with no planning necessary - it all just seems to unfold in front of us. Perfect weather on Friday and Saturday ensured that we got hammered enough to necessitate a day of rest today - a Sunday - and that is exactly what I'm doing (albeit with a bottle of red and some fine pot). It's all wonderful timing.
The sun is also getting some rest as a thick cloud cover has embraced The Atlantic Seaboard today, allowing us some time to reflect (perhaps to include the realisation that we haven't bought Christmas presents yet and Christmas is...... on Tuesday. With Monday in between, it couldn't be more perfect).
Hmm, Christmas Shopping. Yes. Let's think about that for a second..
Tomorrow, Monday, is the 24th of December and, with the potential of rain,I reckon a couple of Calmettes and two hours at The Waterfront should do the trick. Having a scooter also removes 30% of the stress caused dealing with The Waterfront Seasonal Fuck Show. Jesus, I can only IMAGINE how intensely annoying the general public will be; a public peppered with norms sent to destroy me.
Each one a test..
They will NOT take me down..
I know what I'll do. Before I go, I will confuse my body by administering two Calmettes followed by a double cappuccino at Vida e - you know, just to add that video game feel to my shopping experience.
I'll be fine.
Tuesday will be Christmas and, with the folks in town, the warmth of family comfort, combined with the 27 degree weather, will add a natural calming effect to the rarely considered torment that comes with the expectations befalling a global sexual superstar. We will toast Christ Jesus and ponder the wise men and their mysterious gifts. The sun, the booze and the food will meet in the middle, creating a crescendo of hullabaloo, resulting in a moment of ecstasy where we will, as they say in the classics, ALL FALL DOWN.
There will be another day of rest after that, before we enter a bigger day of celebration on the 27th (at 27 degrees) featuring Mother Dearest's birthday, as well as TBG Day.
[A big welcome to The Big "H" from London - an integral part of TBG day]
23 December , 2007
ARNOLD CUMS DAY AND NIGHT
The Governer of California confirms that he is a slave to the orgasm [permalink]
This is something to behold. Filmed quite some time ago when Arnold Schwarzenegger was a professional body builder - the voiceover comes with a satisfaction guarantee.
For those of you that were in outer space yesterday, Britney Spears's 16-yeal-old sister, Jamie Lynn, has a bun in the oven. (This is when all the girls out there go "oh my GOD!" and the guys go "Jesus, that must have been sweet!").
They sold the story to OK Magazine for $1 million.
Our suspicions are confirmed..
Jamie Lynn Spears enjoys a bit of cock..
The lucky penis used to plant the seed inside her belongs to none other than 19-year-old Casey Aldridge! Funny, he doesn't look like Kevin Federline AT ALL!
Yeah! The Casemeister!
High-fives all round for Casey! Yeah! How did you do it, Case? Huh? Did you bone her like this? (as his mate bends over a classroom chair and mock-humps it from behind). Fuckin' "A" one, dude! (You can just imagine the scene at their school, or junior-high, or college, or whatever the fuck they call it).
Christmas must be just STUNNING over at the Spears household this year! Britters has lost custody of her kids to the equivalent of a junkyard mechanic and was, today, thrown out of ANOTHER hotel and told never to return. She has also cut all communication with her folks, so dinner time this year won't include any "aww fuck you momma, pass me the grits you whore" from Brit.
Brit, leaving the Four Seasons hotel with her Yorkshire Terrier.
I hope she is aware of the medical bills that can mount up..
Yorkies are known to have skin disorders - ask my mum
So most of the Christmas chatter will probably be about Jamie Lynn and the lucky little trailer-embryo inside her - what a LIFE that potential human has in store! I wonder if it's possible for that child to fall pregnant whilst still inside Jamie Lynn.... I wouldn't rule it out...
This all ties in very nicely with the recent "shock" news that, contrary to what Britney told us at the time, she was in fact NOT a virgin when she first hit the pop charts. No, no, she did even better than Jamie Lynn - she was boning at 14. (And there I was at the time, feeling bad about cracking off to Hit Me Baby One More Time with the CD sleeve unfolded in front of me).
Oh well.
Here's a recent pic of Jamie Lynn without Casey's dick inside her.
Yes you would
God it will be beautiful if that baby comes out black..
Yes, we know it was meant to be announced last Friday but, like, just chill out man... We're just chillin' here... having a cocktail.... rubbing cream into the beautiful babies....
But there could only be one winner and recipient of the grand prize - a summer dress from Blue Bay (check them out here). The winner was chosen randomly, so don't even TRY to entertain foul play (we got one of the little Cambodian kids living under my floorboards to choose the winner. They know nothing about Adam & Eve, Blue Bay, or fashion of any sort. All they know are things to do with poles and rubber bullets, and how much they hurt. They don't even speak english - the only words they know are "dance" and "shut up.")
Gather round. It is regarding Tuesday Tabs, The TBG and the Radio Show [permalink]
It's fair to say that we've been somewhat "haphazard" over the last couple of days. I felt it important to notify you of a few things.
Cape Town's season is here and the Atlantic Seaboard's gauge, Caprice, currently reads "OFF THE CHARTS." It's a SCHTOINKER this year and Cape Town is simply the only place to be. Movie stars, models, families, rock stars and Johannesburg are just a portion of the breathing drove that is Cape Town season.
Welcome, everybody.
There will be no 2oceansvibe Radio Show this week as we will need as much time as possible to work our show next week, 27 December which HAPPENS to be the annual TBG Day (click for last year's pics)! (As well as Seth's mum's birthday which is obviously the most important!x)........... A day to celebrate all that we have learnt thus far about the mighty three letter acronym.
TBG Day happens to be on a Thursday...
It's only right to celebrate on The 2oceansvibe Show..
It's looking like we will have The UK Showbiz Guy, Johnny Vaughan, in the studio as well. As founder of TBG Day, The UK Showbiz Guy has already made use of his all-powerful network, and has somehow managed to actually SPEAK to the TBG on the phone. I have been kept in the dark as to what was discussed, as The UK Showbiz Guy wants to keep it a secret. A message of sorts from The TBG?
Let's not get too excited just yet.
All I know is the next 2oceansvibe Show will be on December 27.
STARTING TIME WILL PROBABLY BE EARLIER.
TIME TO BE ANNOUNCED.
There is no Tuesday Tabs Today.
One wouldn't want to take from this important time of reflection.
I make various notes on my phone at night time during my sleep. You know those moments when you wake up and think of something brilliant that you want to remember? Something you want to write down because it seems just brilliant? Usually to do with making enough money to buy that desperately needed learjet, but also just things you want to remember to do - like trimming your pubes.
Sleeping beauty (absolute bitch - FACT) was too stoned to make notes
Then you realise you don't have a pen and as sure as fuck you're not going looking around the house (or boat, if you're reading this on Paul Allen's yacht, Octopus) at one in the morning. It really is a brilliant idea and you know it'll make a fortune. So you convince yourself that you will remember it and you say it over and over again in your head.
"Build a Woolworths in Camps Bay."
"Build a Woolworths in Camps Bay."
"Build a Woolworths in Camps Bay."
"Build a Woolworths in Camps Bay."
Then, in the morning, excitedly, you begin planning your new life as a billionaire. But you can't remember a fucking thing.
Absolutely NOTHING.
You're fucked.
Put on your tie - you're late.
Cock.
You see I don't do that - I keep a pen and paper next to my bed. And when I don't, I just use the voice recorder on my HTC TYTN II. It's one-touch. I just hold one button and it starts recording. (They should have mentioned this in The Secret, instead of focusing on ways to score chicks).
"Seth frequently forgets that he made a note in his sleep and usually stumbles upon it a few days later - often resulting in hilarious soundbites in time."
Say that last sentence in a Michael Mol (from Top Billing) voice.
The midnight voice notes can get quite bizarre at times - the requests to oneself (switching between first person and third person), as well as hearing yourself talk, half asleep and not remembering having done so. The notes are not always about money and can sometimes come as a shock. I went through a couple of old ones on my phone just now..
"Check if so-and-so is divorced yet - she'll be good on her second round, having realised her fuck up with freak boy."
"Buy generator."
"Ask The Roofer where your Beastie Boys 'License to ill' album is. He saw it last."
"Expose so-and-so for fraud."
"Make use of so-and-so in return for your silence."
"Do NOT sms her. She will sms you."
"Sell original hand-written lyrics for Lennon's "Woman'."
"Feed underage Cambodian kids stored under kitchen floorboards."
The list goes on, but then I got this one. I don't know where I got it from.
Find out about ringtones that only kids can hear.
It sounded intriguing, so I farted it into Google. And what amazing results I did find!
It seems that as one gets older, we suffer from an age-related hearing loss, called "Presbycusis." There are fairly well proven ranges of age that cannot hear certain frequencies. As you get older you lose the ability to hear certain frequencies and, as a result, there are frequencies that only kids can hear. A good one is a frequency set at 17 kHz. (Like you give a fuck - all you want to do at this stage is hear it).
Using a permanent outdoor speaker, this was first put to use by shop owners keen to reduce gatherings of kids loitering outside their shops (It's a high-pitch sound similar to the sound you get from the old TV tubes and causes considerable discomfort).
The next step was obvious..
A CELLPHONE RINGTONE THAT ADULTS CAN'T HEAR!
Brilliant! Apparently it can mostly only be heard by people under the age of 30. At 29, I was keen to hear it.
So I found the ringtone (marketed as the "Mosquito") on the "internet" and played it a few times. It wasn't working - something was obviously wrong with the file. Maybe it was "corrupt" (whatever geeks).
A mosquito during feeding time..
..happy - unaware of things like the internet, tea-bagging etc.
I played it a few times and struggled to entertain the idea of my not being able to hear it. I reluctantly called The P.A. to my office, asking her to "come and listen to something."
"Yes, what is that fucking noise?!" she screamed, as she moonwalked to my office. (We aren't allowed to walk normally at the 2oceansvibe HQ, everyone has to moonwalk. It's a rule).
I played it again, and again she felt it necessary to cuss - "Yes! What the fuck is that!"
I couldn't believe it and am still annoyed that I can't hear it. I thought I still had a year left! I had The Photographer round at my house and, at 34, he could hear it. Impressive - but definitely a one off. I tried 3 other 30 year olds and none of them could hear it.
ANYWAY, now YOU can ALSO play around with it. See if you can hear it and, if you can't, turn it up loud and see if anyone younger in your office (or yacht) can.
It's quite fun.
That's it. I got completely carried away back there and all I really wanted to do was get you to play this sound and fuck around with it.
Sorry about that. That's what happens when you drink whiskey with beer chasers on your own for 4 hours.
I'm still reeling from watching the full length video and think you should only watch this highlights package I found on your tube. It's the annual Bush Christmas Video featuring Barney, the Bush family dog - not to be confused with John Smit, who is also known as Barney. Whilst also seemingly cuddly, you'll find he is terror, rather than a terrier.
I know, I know. And I'm sorry! It's just been a fuck show today but we're getting it together.
Had a good dinner last night at Kitima in Hout Bay last night. It was TOO good. You know when something is TOO good? Like OVERLY good? Ja, that's what it was. It was fucking stunning - as was the company I kept. Go there. Enjoy it. Try get the leather chairs at the end of the bar. You can't book them (you can book normal tables which are cool) but if you fluke them... you're laughing.
So I'm having lunch at the moment with The Surfer. A sort of pre 2oceansvibe Show lunch. Just getting a little moist before the show.
Featuring Brown - it's too hot to handle.. [permalink]
Chris Tait is a good friend of 2oceansvibe and we've always been big fans of his band "tAIT". These guys are hot! We've featured them on 2oceansvibe in the past and we have good reason to do it again!
tAIT's newest offering, "She" is an awesome track which has hit Number 1 on 5FM, as well as the number 1 video on MK music TV channel.
It rocks! Check out the award winning video.
I was at Street Level records the other day with the unassuming rock star, to record the intro for The 2oceansvibe Show, when he played me a remix of the above song "She," which he did with rapper, Brown. I couldn't believe what I was listening to.
It is HOT, I tell you - HAVE A LISTEN HERE on tAIT's MySpace page. Now listen to this! They're having a REMIX LAUNCH PARTY next Wednesday, 19 December at Zula Sound Bar, Long Street at 21h30.
And dubs them "The Trollsen Twins" - Hairy-Kate and Trashley [permalink]
This is pretty out of control. PETA have gone to great lengths to mock and punish The Olsen Twins. They've just launched their new website:
They appear to be pissed off that the twins wear fur taken from real animals and they're not shy to go the extra mile and even feature a section where you, as the user, candress your own Trollsen Twin.
You can choose from the array of blood-dripping garments on the rack, and put them on either Hairy-Kate or Trashley.
There is just no end to the Britney Spears sex/drug addiction fuck show! This was taken last night somewhere in L.A. as she hopped out her car.
Shame, she's completely bonkers!
GO BRITNEY GO!
I love it! She's totally out of control with no family to guide her and no friends to warn her. Just a fuck load of money and a white-trash upbringing.
We are so multi-cultural over here at 2oceansvibe - so much so that this week's show will have a surfing theme. And, most importantly, the show will be featuring one of the 2oceansvibe characters, THE SURFER!
He's mondo, he's natural and he lives in the green room. Just quietly enjoy him:
The Surfer - Mondo
We're all too aware of the great following 2oceansvibe commands within the South African surfing community and we are happy to announce that we will be TAKING LIVE SURFING SKYPE PHONE CALLS ON AIR DURING THE SHOW.
So if you have VOICE and SOUND on your Skype connection, then feel free to get in touch to discuss whatever surfing topics are hot at the moment. I mean, what is Crayfish Factory like at the moment?
To be honest, it doesn't matter if you call in about surfing or not. We'll be so smashed it won't make a difference.
Please feel free to do the usual before the show, for when we get to question time with our boy:
All the usual will be featured on the show, including Playeuromillions competitions, news, booze, music, weed, weather, weekend highlights and general bullshit.
See you there - right HERE, in fact - Thursday at 15h30 SA Time.
It might come as a bit of shock to you when I tell you that this chick is actually white. You're probably used to surnames ending in "genyi" resulting in a more "mocha" skin colour. Well that is why I am here - to educate you.
Reka Ebergenyi is not from the Eastern Cape or anything, but actually from HUNGARY! It turns out they also have surnames with similar spelling to our traditional African names.
Click for NSFW pic. She is in TERRIBLY good nick!
Hungary indeed!
Interesting.
Funnily enough, we are yet to find a supermodel with the first name "Mavis."
Jan Smuts BA lounge cites "porn" as the problem [permalink]
I just received this from Brad S, following his recent attempt to get onto 2oceansvibe from the British Airways lounge at Jan Smuts Airport, Johannesburg.
Note where is says, "TYPE OF SITE = PORN"
Hilarious! I love these automated firewalls that call a site a "PORN SITE," purely because they spotted the words "cock" and "balls" somewhere on the front page.
I mean, REALLY!
And Tuesday Tabs simply CANNOT be classed as porn. It's more a treat than anything else.
I'll show you porn.... why don't you come round for a little spooning session at my place?
