I'm FINE with these shots of the chick that stops George Clooney from crying himself to sleep at night - Sarah Larson. They feature the all important "Dimples of Venus."
But these pics aren't of her in the bedroom... so I think it would be rude to end the story there without commenting on the fact that she is also a FUCKING LUNATIC!
VERY NICE, George! You've got a real wildcat on your hands! But I'm not sure if you should settle down with this one. I don't know. I just don't know if that's what you're looking for.
You could train her, I suppose. I'd recommend the "handbag trick."
You know the one - you buy her a Louis Vuitton bag, but you cut it in half and give her the one half. Then you tell her that you'll see if her adult dinner-table conversation improves and maybe, just MAYBE, you'll give her the other half at the end of the year.
As long as the C and K words keep coming out of your mouth, you're gonna have to make do with hiding the open side of that half-a-bag with that half-a-pashmina I gave you, my baby..
Today went pretty much nowhere. I went for a meeting in Constantia and never came back until now, 14h47. Not a bad Monday. I popped into Forries to feel the vibe before the UCT vs Pukke clash which should have started by now (although only televised at 16h45 today on SS1) and it looked like things were heading towards what could be deemed "festive." I cruised back to Bantry Bay after three weeks in the wilderness during my Keeping it Real Tour which found me mingling with the Noordhoek and Kommetjie lot. You know, feeling the vibe and all that. Getting "down" with it and living a life of pureness and contentment unfounded in Bantry Bay and Camps Bay. Not that we're not CONTENT on this side....
I was pretty "content" for a moment on my way home as I caught sight of the elusive angel through my car window outside Vida e on Kloof Street.
Hi.
Hi.
How you?
Fine. You?
Fine.
Bye.
Bye.
Awesome! Any rumours that I have my way with women are completely and utterly fucking false. Believe me! Organising a dinner or drink with this angel is like drawing blood from a stone.
Jesus.
Anyway, it's obviously the Zimbabwe elections at the moment and God only knows how that will turn out. I'd hazard a guess that the current results showing a Mugabe defeat mean sweet fuckall. I'd, naturally, be very excited and, at the same time, fucking blown away if that result stays true for the final, official result...
Does this fellow look worried to you?
Bob Mugabe - Good times!
I found this hilarious little radio snippet of a phonecall to the Zimbabwean Embassy and thought you would enjoy it.
I'm FINE with this vibe! Taken this week at the 2008 My Cokefest, in Cape Town - this vid (taken by The Surfer) shows a particularly, umm, how do you say, ENHANCED Jared Leto from the band 30 seconds to Mars instructing his fans in the crowd to form a mosh pit. I love it. He's is basically inciting pure complete and utter fucking havoc. But the most beautiful part of it all is how he addresses them as "mother fuckers." It's FUCKING funny! Hectique, but funny nonetheless.
I encourage this kind of behaviour.
"...open up a f*cking circle RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW, open that mutherf*cker up, open it up mutherf*ckers, 20 feet f*cking wide, a big f*cking circle, a big circle f*ck, a f*ucking circle mutherf*fucker, push those mutherf*ckers back....this is how we dahnce."
Hahahaha! He would have gone on to bang about five of the hottest little 16 year-olds in the audience. (Our foreign readers, particularly in the States, will be interested to learn that over here, in South Africa, that shit is legal. Not that we condone it. No. Not at all.)
Top form, Leto.
Good Charlotte also played at the festival. Band member Benji Madden's current lay, Paris Hilton was there as well.
As UCT prepare for Monday's killer FNB Varsity Cup Semi-final [permalink]
That's what he would have been if Herschelle Gibbs had chosen rugby as his career. But instead our boy went for the ball and bat. Or, in this case, a ball and chain - in Sea Point's prison cells to be precise. Not the best way to wake up on a Friday!
Ja, so Gibbs did NOT choose rugby and is therefore NOT playing for UCT in Monday'sFNB Varsity Cup semi final against Pukke. There will be another fly-half playing, and another very gifted 14 men around him, as UCT continue their charge towards winning this, the inaugural FNB Varsity Cup. (I trust they've put a handsome budget towards the creation of said cup).
Funnily enough, we actually ran into previous UCT and Springbok player, Robbie Fleck, on Sandy Bay beach the other day (don't ask).
Robbie Fleck gives the "thumbs up"
We asked him his thoughts on this upcoming clash.
Goose-bumbs:
"This is probably UCT's biggest game since we won the Grand Challenge in 19-voetsak... This is an incredibly talented team that has faced all kinds of adversity since the tournament's inception and have come out on top - both on the field.. and off. Monday's game is not just about UCT, it is about a unique brand of rugby that has captivated the public and has hopefully shown that free flowing, free spirited, intelligent running rugby is better off than backward prehistoric type which is prevalent today. This possibility of a UCT victory against Maties in the final is too much to handle and brings back the memories of yesteryear.. Classic clashes between the legendary rugby institutions and a shit load of fun being had in the stands and the pubs - mouth watering stuff"
Beautiful stuff, Rob! That's what I'm talking about! I must say I'm pretty fucking excited for Monday's game.
For those of you who aren't able to watch it live at UCT, the game is being televised and you can catch it at 14h30 on Supersport!
Incl. flights, accommodation and prime seats for two! [permalink]
Oh my God - this is too much to behold! Our friends at PlayEuroMillions have put together a competition for 2oceansvibe readers to win the trip of a lifetime to the jewel in the crown of the annual sporting calender - the 2008 Monaco Formula 1 Grand Prix.
And it's not just a trip - it's luxury all the way, baby! You'll be sipping champagne with the rich and famous - JUST like 2oceansvibe would want you to! The prize is pretty extensive, so let me break it down for you.
The Prize Monday 19th May - Arrival
Boscolo Palace - FINE!
Arrive in Nice on Monday 19th May and transfer to your hotel, the luxurious Boscolo Palace. When you enter the palatial white building on the Angels Bay you'll discover a resplendent world of refinement, exquisite taste and flawless service that will dazzle and seduce you. Our rooms are deluxe-rooms on the 5th floor, looking out over the ocean and palm trees. The rest of the week at your leisure to view this magnificent city.
The spacious rooms are decorated in sun-kissed shades of pale yellow, creamy-white and pastels with an authentic French flavour. You can relax in comfort, enjoy a movie or satellite TV, or access the internet through your in -room connection.
Friday 23rd May - Celebrity Dinner
Chill with David Coulthard at Hotel de Paris
On Friday evening our guests will congregate on the Churchill Terrace at Monaco"s exclusive Hotel de Paris for a drinks reception with David Coulthard and Allan McNish. The terrace overlooks the harbour and will offer the guests the opportunity to chat to the drivers, gleaning exclusive insight into Formula 1 and the race weekend ahead.
After drinks, an exclusive dinner will be served outdoors on the 1st floor Garnier Terrace, overlooking the world renowned Casino Square. From this stunning vantage point you can take in this absolutely unique ambience. With the intrigued "public" milling amongst the rich and famous, this is an experience that will live with you forever.
Saturday 24th and Sunday 25th May - F1 Monaco Grand Prix
Monte Carlo - Sexual
On Saturday and Sunday the racing will be viewed from our exclusive outdoor terrace at Le Saint Benoit restaurant. With stunning views over the harbour to Rascasse, the cars race beneath the terrace up from Saint Devote to Casino Square. Allan McNish, former F1 driver (Toyota and Renault) will provide a pre race briefing, highlighting what to look out for and sharing invaluable insight into the Monte Carlo street circuit.
With only a 5 minute walk to Casino Square, plasma screens throughout, private tables, one of the finest lunch menus in town, full and complimentary bar and a quite stunning ambience, there really is nowhere better to base yourself for this exhilarating weekend.
It's a bit ridiculous, isn't it? And the best thing about it is you can get as many entries as you want! I've already organised five entries for myself. Opportunities like this can't be missed!
Today, live on the 2oceansvibe online Radio Show - RIGHT HERE! [permalink]
OH
MY
GOD!!
It's an alignment of the stars like never before! Seth's birthday is falling on a THURSDAY - which HAPPENS to be 2oceansvibe's live radio show day! And that's TODAY! I know! It's mental! You can probably feel the sexual energy from where you're sitting right now. Feel your mouse. Has it got goose bumps? If so, then your mouse is fitted with a sexual microchip that allows it to feel vibes like we're throwing today. Lucky you. Enjoy it. Go on. Touch your mouse a little bit more. Then, just before the goose bumps feel like they're about to explode, give him a little double-click. AAAH YEAH!! You fucken like that?! Close the door, babe...
In today's show we are SPOILING you with two hours of nothing but pure random excitement and hysteria. Because, not only is it Seth's birthday, but we also have on the show one of the very few people that know the private Seth Rotherham. Who IS Seth Rotherham? We know he was raised as an only child amongst 1,000 antique porcelain dolls and a squadron of Yorkshire Terriers, but very few come close enough to know enough. To feel enough. To TOUCH enough.
Some just cancel..
Our guest today is a rare treat. One of 2oceansvibe's most esteemed characters, a previous Mr. 2oceansvibe winner, former UCT First XV rugby captain, eligible bachelor and home-owner.... ladies and gentlemen, I give you The People's Insurance Broker - RICHARD NEVILLE!
RICHARD NEVILLE
"The Insurance Broker"
(Get a load of this guy)
I know what you're thinking - "I've seen that clown before." Indeed you have. And what a show to have him on! With the FNB Varsity Rugby Cup semi-final clash between UCT and Pukke, just four days away (Monday 14h30 at UCT), there will be PLENCH to talk about. We will ALSO be answering your questions about the semi-final during the show.
Not that the show will be JUST about rugby. Heavens no! Our boy comes with a whole fucking bag of tricks! This is HONESTLY one of the spiciest characters I have ever come across and one of the few people that have the ability to make me laugh out loud. This is a show NOT to be missed! See you RIGHT HERE at 15h30 today - 27 March, 2008.
So there you have it.
Seth's Sexy Spicy Rugby Birthday Show!
Coming to/on you LIVE at 15h30 TODAY!
URGENTLY send questions about ANYTHING for Seth and Richard to cover in the show (chicks, rugby, guys, music, weather, astronomy, hygiene, dating, Cambodian slave children, wolverines, joysticks, anything..) to editor@2oceansvibe.com
As usual we will be taking live SKYPE phonecalls during the show - so get in touch during the show on our Skype callsign "the2oceansvibeshow."
I scroll through 2oceansvibe virtually every day. From the top to the bottom, fairly swiftly - just getting a general feel of what the fuck it IS that I actually write about. There doesn't seem to be a particular pattern at all - just drivel, really.
Oh, enjoy this. I made up a new word today. I call it "lie." It is when you don't tell the truth - then it is called a "lie" (pronounced like the word used when you are "lying" on your bed next to a supermodel). If someone doesn't tell you the truth, then they are "lying". Like if I said it is my birthday this coming Thursday the 27th, then I would be telling the truth. But if I said to you that it is my birthday on Friday, that would be a lie. What do you think of the word? I made it up today. It's my word.
Stuff like that. I don't know what the fuck that had to do with Tom Cruise. Oh yes, I remember now. I was thinking about how many untruths Tom tells the whole time and I thought to myself that I should make up a new word that we can use instead of "untruth." That's when I made up the word "lie".
Enjoy this guy pretending to be Tom Cruise ("pretending" is different to a "lie").
Hahahaha! How beautiful was that? How similar to Tom Cruise is that guy? For those of you who think it IS Tom Cruise, I assure you it is not.
Those of you who watch The Hills on television will be aware of a chick by the name of Audrina Patridge. Not? Me neither - I've never watched it, nor have I heard of her. But what I CAN tell you is that God took off a whole afternoon to design her tabs. For a guy that takes about a millisecond to create an entire human being, you can IMAGINE the kind of minute detail he went into.
I like it when he decides to give us a little treat every now and then. He's very naughty like that!
I think we're in for quite a roller coaster ride with these current Bulgarian Idols clips. Click here if you missed the one last week of the guy doing Michael Jackson - what a blessing he was.
But this week we have something quite stunning for you. In this clip, which includes subtitles, the contestant begins by confirming that she will be singing Mariah Carey's Ken Lee song. Now, fans (and even non-fans) out there will know that Mariah didn't make a song called Ken Lee.
That is why you need to watch this:
Stop it
Un be lievable!
It's like that story you MUST know about the guy in Stellenbosch who went up to the DJ and asked him to play Haasie. (Afrikaans for "a small rabbit). When the DJ told him that he didn't know what the fuck he was talking about, the guy told him he MUST know it because he plays it every Friday night. The DJ asked him to sing it for him. That's when he hit him with, "Haasie, a bad moon arising."
This last week has given us an unprecedented level of smut and flesh. So before any new 2oceansvibe readers out there get the wrong idea, I simply must make mention that this current state of affairs is PURELY to do with the coincidental timing of various sex type stories; including Spitzer's whore, Macca's whore and the Kristin Davis sex tape. That's a lot of flesh in one week - something that would traditionally appeal to the guys out there. And that is why we have decided to create this "Aaah!" moment for the girls out there!
I can't for the life of me work out why someone would consciously punish themselves to this extent. One of South Africa's top nobodies, Khanyisile Mbau (who has in the past described herself as "South Africa's Paris Hilton") sat "alone with her millionaire husband Mandla Mthembu on Friday night at Fashion TV Cafe, waiting in vain to meet Paris Hilton". When asked how she felt about the non-intro, she said, "I thought it would be nice to have pictures taken of the black and the white socialite together."
Hilton with a useful orphan
Why would it be "nice," Khanyi? What is so "nice" about a picture with you? Why would anyone, let alone Paris Hilton care? She has no use for you. And what does the black and white have to do with it? You are of no significance whatsoever. Whilst you pretend to yourself that you are a part of high society, I sincerely hope this little event clearly illustrates to you that you have NO idea what you are doing and NO money in the world will be able to buy you the social (under)standing you so VERY clearly desire and lack.
Jesus, have some pride, woman.... (mouth agape).
Apparently Mbau was told to try again in June when Hilton is said to be returning to South Africa.
In other news, The Sun reports that, when asked what she thought of South Africa, Hilts responded with "I love Africa in general - South Africa and West Africa, they are both great countries."
One could say there has been a trend of sorts for our girl, Ashley Alexandra Dupre - the hooker that brought down the governor of New York, Eliot Spitzer. And no-one is happier than Joseph Francis - founder of the highly acclaimed Girls Gone Wild series, which depicts female teenagers exposing themselves on camera in public. What a brilliant concept! Jo recently had a look through his archives and found video footage of Ash when she was 17 years old! Stunning!
Go ASH! Go ASH! Go ASH!
Who would have thought that the well-bred girl in the above pic would go on to become a high class whore in New York? And not just any high class whore - according to Ash's former pimp, Jason Itzler (self proclaimed "King of All Pimps"), she had what was described as "the most beautiful vagina in New York ." New York Magazine reports that she was marketed to punters as "the girl with the magic pussy." (Seriously, I can't make this shit up).
Awesome! Let's keep that fresh in our minds as we cut to an excerpt from that Girls Gone Wild video we were chatting about.
God it's amazing how fast they grow up - to think that was just five years ago! And now....now...she's a young lady! She's grown into her head which was too big for her body at the time, and her tabs are now also in another league.
ps. It's interesting to note that the pimp mentioned earlier in this story has started a new company called DNA Diamonds which provides a matchmaking service for wealthy men and smoking hot chicks. He's quite a character - enjoy this from his website:
The owner of DNA Diamonds is also a man, and he too has overly particular tastes just like you do. You cannot hire a woman to do a man's work! Women do not rate women the same way that a man would rate a woman physically. Our agency was built by a man for extremely particular men who are seeking 8's, 9's, and 10's. At DNA Diamonds, we start with the outside and then look at the beauty that lies within.
God, we really are very spoilt! It's the Capetonians' mantra. A two-fold statement, it shows we don't take this place for granted, whilst also boasting how awesome our lives are. Very sneaky. This week was particularly ridiculous with about three days of complete glass ocean with God's tanning machine sitting in the late twenty degrees. Christ, don't you hate it when the news readers on the radio and TV refer to the "mercury" when giving the daily temperatures? Yes, twat, we're very impressed that you are aware that thermometers used to have mercury in them, but MUST you say it EVERY time? Clap clap, tool.
It reminds me of those people who CONSTANTLY refer to Australia as "down under" - Aaaargh!! God, yes, ok, good one... Every now and then is fine - but, again, MUST YOU SAY IT EVERY TIME?
Morons.
Jeez (pointing), what's that over there?!?!
(Moron turns to look).
Gun to the head - BOOM!
(Moron falls to the floor).
Hah, I think I know a little boy heading "down under" HIMSHELF!!
So anyway (Angry Seth has gone now and Sexual Seth is back), enjoy this video taken this week whilst cruising the Camps Bay Strip in Cape Town, passed the likes of Caprice and Vida e. The soundtrack features a song I gave toPrince many years ago called "Raspberry Beret" which was about this chick I saved from Russia's Red Army (hence the reference to the red beret). Being lower class, she would submit to me and I was able to train her to do things like bow when I walked into a room. Being Russian, she was pretty fucking hot. I was pleased. In return, she was able to enjoy the deeper, more private Seth; as well as chilled afternoons in The Safe House reading magazines naked on the sofa. It was win/win for both of us.
She was cool. Come to think of it, I can't for the life of me remember where I dumped her body. Whoops. Bad Seth!
Check the video - it's tit!
Apologies for the higher than usual levels of blasphamy in this article. But, you know, it's Easter weekend. Isn't that what it's all about?
Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com [permalink]
20 March , 2008
BULGARIAN IDOLS WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE
Stop EVERYTHING that you are doing and look at this [permalink]
Just take a deep breath, sit back and open your mouth. Allow your eyes to pop out of your head naturally.
All I can say it the Idols contestants in Bulgaria are riding with their shit off safety.
Don't laugh.
Howz that guy's vibe!? Jesus! And the way he keeps dancing at the end whilst they're talking! Whaaah! He's incredible!
They should make little keyrings of him with a battery inside and every time you squeeze his tummy he goes, "shamon, shamon, egg it on me. ALRIIIIGHT!"
To cut a long anus short, the hospital mixed up two patients.
According to the article, it happened in Bavaria and the woman (with new nought et al) is now trying to sue the hospital.
Fair enough.
Oh, and she hasn't had the leg op yet. She's looking for another hospital to have that done.
Good idea. I think enough damage is done. The last thing you want is to tempt fate and come out of the hospital talking out of a penis that's welded to your eyeball.
thanks george
Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com [permalink]
2oceansvibe character and international heart throb, Richard Hardiman the fucking party man is kicking is hard, not soft, TONIGHT at Hemisphere! If you're in the hood I SUGGEST you make a turn. The last party Harders did there resulted in a chick to guy ratio of five to one. No spice. Virtually everyone came right.
For Moses and the all the animals in the ark [permalink]
When Jesus turned into Moses and did that whole vibe with all the animals on the boat called "Easter" and parted the sea between Clifton Third and Fourth beaches, he probably didn't realise what a big deal we would be making about it today.
So we tried to get Moses on the show and it was quite tricky because a mutual friend of ours, Noah, told us that Moses was pissed off that one of the animals on the boat, a rabbit, had managed to take all the glory. That's fair enough, the Easter Bunny is quite a big deal around here - PARTICULARLY on the Atlantic Seaboard where everyone enjoys a bit of fluff.
So then we tried to get in touch with the Easter Bunny which led to a very emotional phone call with my mother. Now, I hate to break it you folks out there, but I've been privy to some very sensitive information. And as your more important news source I feel it is my job to break it to you:
The Easter Bunny doesn't fucking exist!
The "Easter Bunny"
(looks like a drawing to me)
I know. I know. This is hard for eveyone..
Come here and give me a hug.
Shhhh. Shhhh. Don't cry.
[I have you tight in my arms now, with your head squashed against my chest as you sob, uncontrollably, shouting out questions as drool and tears flow down your face]
"WHAT DID HE EVER DO TO ANYONE!!!!" you shriek, as I continue to rock you from side to side..
"Shhhh...shhhh....I know.... I know..he didn't do anything to anyone.."
"THEN WHY DID THEY KILL HIIIIMMMM?!?!?!?" you scream hysterically.
"They didn't kill him my baby, he never existed in the first place.."
Your crying dies down as my grip on you loosens. You look up at me. Your face is red and is a complete mess with snot and tears all over the show. I wipe some tears under your eye with my cardigan, careful not to let it get into contact with any snot.
"He never existed?" you ask, sniffing, adorably.
"No my darling. The Easter Bunny is bullshit, my mum just told me on the phone." I continue to rock you back and forth as I kiss you on the head.
"And...and...what about Father Christmas?" you ask, with a worried look in your eye - obviously referring to last Christmas where I dressed up as Santa Claus to keep the dream alive for you.
"Of course he's real, my darling," I whisper. "It's physically impossible to give blow jobs to people that don't exist."
"That's true," you admit, smiling....."
"There there"...I pat your back, still rocking you back and forth.
"AND I swallowed!" your eyes light up.
I press you against the wall.
"Exactly my angel! Then he MUST exist!"
__________________________________
And so we end off with a beautiful scene from The Breakup where the whole family was celebrating Easter.
ps. I know they weren't celebrating Easter in that clip. But it doesn't matter. No-one gives a fuck.
Oh, and also, sorry about today's show - Telkom have actually let us down and the line that sends out the show is fucked and will only be fixed by this evening.
As we fine-tune our rules and regulations [permalink]
I've chatted about my Butlers Pizza experiences before. There have been stacks. There was the Ed incident and then, of course, you might remember the report on Dave. But since then there haven't been too many altercations.
Until quite recently..
Two weeks ago I made my weekly Sunday night Butlers pizza order. It's pretty basic stuff.
The chick answered the phone:
"Butlers Pizza!"
"Hi, can I order a pizza please," I muttered, wondering what else people might be phoning them for. "
It sounded like she was able to help me with that particular request - "Yes, sure! What would you like on your pizza?" she asked, excitedly.
Give it to me.
I want it inside me..
"Umm, can I have a large bacon, salami, feta, garlic - on a thin base please." (I always order a large so that I can eat the left overs the next day - one of life's greater pleasures.)
"Certainly! Anything else?"
"Yes please. One Coca-Cola and one Appletizer please."
"Sure! Anything else?"
"How about a verse from Killing Me Softly?"
"I beg your pardon?"
"Nothing."
"Ok, is that all?"
"What are you wearing?"
"Excuse me?"
"No, nothing. Umm, is it true that there is a special code word I can give you to put SPECIAL mushrooms on my pizza"
"No, there is not a special code word. IS THAT ALL, SIR?" she was getting testy.
"Yes, angel pie, that is all!" I gave her my number and details.
"Oh, and.. one more thing..." I yelped.
She interrupted me, exhausted...
"YES, we KNOW that you ONLY want a Butler with over 1,000 missions to bring the pizza!"
"Very good, my angel. Bye bye now"
50 minutes went by, in which time I had consumed two joints and half a bottle of Jamesons. I called the angel back.
"Umm, what in God's name is going on," I spluttered.
"We apologise, Sir. The driver's car that was bringing your pizza has broken down. I'm really sorry about that! We are making you a brand new fresh pizza, free of charge, and someone else will be bringing it right away!"
"Oh.... very interesting!" I exclaimed, patronisingly. "And can I ask you one question?"
"Yes, Sir, anything," she replied, on the back foot.
"How many MISSIONS was our boy in the broken down car on when his car broke down?"
She answered immediately, almost expecting the question.. "He was on mission number 1,435."
"Oooh REAAAALLY!? Well, then I think it's QUITE obvious what needs to be done here!" I slurred. "If these guys can't handle a delivery with 1,435 missions under the belt then we're going to HAVE TO increase the minimum number of mission for deliveries to The Safe House! Don't you agree?"
"Umm, I guess...." she replied, acutely aware that she was dealing with a drunken mad man.
"2,000 MISSIONS IS MY NEW MINUMUM! OK! YOU GOT THAT? TELL EVERYONE! MAKE SURE THERE IS A NOTE THERE. 2,000 MISSIONS - OK?"
"Yes, Sir. That's been done," she replied, squirming.
"Good! Chrrrrist!" I spat as I slammed down the phone.
The pizza came. It was good. As always. The butler was well behaved. He even knew the rule about leavin
