Look at our white trash friend here

So I popped into the Waterfront to buy the CD mentioned in the article below this. I came in from the main entrance and wound around past the aquarium and parked in the underground parking lot on the left as you go around the corner past CD Where-house. It was early and there was stacks of parking. I parked in a parking bay near the front which had 5 free parking bays next to it.

Now there is no need to spice the story. My rear right tyre was on the right hand line of the parking bay (slightly skew car). It wasn't even over half the thickness of the white line.

Enter our little friend..... the Waterfront's finest....

Promise me you have paid special attention to his moustache.

I'll show you the pic again....

What an amazing individual! You know he plays with little boys. Anyway, this prick comes up to me after I have bleeped my car to lock and says, "You will have to move your car".

Well I looked at this man and explained to him in simple English, "How can you ask me to move? I'm going into a shop for ten minutes. This garage is 20% full and I'm not even over the line".

"They will wheel-clamp your car if you don't move", said arse-boy.

"Are you kidding me?", quipped Seth Rotherham (your trusty Editor).

"I warned you", said cock-lover

So I huffed and puffed and moved my car after shouting something to him along the lines of "RULES IS FUCKING RULES!".

I plotted as I cought the CD and as I entered the garage he was facing the other way. I lined up my pocket pc/phone (More info about this wonderful toy - HERE) and snapped the pic above as soon as he turned around. I am quite happy with the moment I captured. You get a thorough idea of what kind of cretin we are dealing with. The phone made a loud photo-camera sound as the pic was taken.

I checked the ticket in the machine and the parking was free of charge - hell, what a bonus.

I went to my car to place my new Robbie Williams CD in my CD shuttle.

Then Prick-Hound appears next to me and tells me, "Do you know it is illegal to take photos of people without their permission".

"I didn't take a picture" confused him as he knew I took one but he also knew the chances of him operating my phone was lower than him getting a desk job.

Then toss-friend starts walking back to the box after saying that he was going to block the entrance whilst he calls more security to deal with my wrong doing.

I jump in my car and drive to the exit where I have to put my ticket into the machine to get out. Wank Face has pressed the intercom button on the same machine I need to use and is telling the person on the other side of the intercom to block the gate. With him talking into the machine directly next to my window I slipped in the ticket in front his very eyes.

We both looked at the boom...... silence.....

The boom went up and with a carefully thought out and rude exit-quote, I cruised into the open world. I drive past three more times shouting obscenities at him as he radio'd god knows who.

I wasn't quite finished with dick-boy so I thought this article should do it.

HAVE A STUNNING WEEKEND !!!

Seth Rotherham
Editor
www.2oceansvibe.com

We're not quite finished with you. Make yourself at home.

I'll be honest. I found a bee in my bonnet (what a cuck phrase) last night on my way home from a drinks in town. Had a dop after work in one of the lofts in town we've been reading about. Very nice vibe, very good red as well.

On the way home radio 5ive (very emboerboer writing five like that) played a Robbie Williams triple header.

MENTAL!...

...is the only word that can describe it. I want us all to give it some thought. Think hard about it. Think how much you enjoyed that album. I think after a minute you will cry out in unison and agree that....

'WE'RE NOT QUITE FINISHED WITH ROBBIE'

One album in particular 'died' before it was really dead. So listen to this... Dust off your old Robbie Williams 'Sing when you're winning' CD or buy a new one and play 'The kids are alright' song he sang with Kylie. That should bring you into it. There is so much more to look forward to on the CD.

You were tired of the CD's in your car anyway. Pop in a spot of 'Williams' and let the coooool times flow! Cos in 2oceansvibe world you gotta be cooooool! And Robbie is...... Coooooool...

So to prove our sincerity here is a scan of the CD Where-house till slip from my purchase this morning. I must have owner the CD a thousand times but it's gone. But here's a new one and it's gonna hurt it!

This is my pledge to the cause and my challenge is for you to do the same. Can you honestly tell me that you're 100% finished with that album?

Say it after me....

'I AM NOT QUITE FINISHED WITH ROBBIE'

Robbie Williams is not finished and by the end of this I expect word to get out to the radio stations (Nic...).

The rap he sings toward the end of the KIDS tune - 'Single handidly raising the economy - aint no chance of the record company dropping me' - IT'S PRICELESS!!! Lose yourself and be the punk you are.

'Press be asking do I care for sodomy. I don't know, yeah, probably'.

HILARIOUS!!!!!

Welcome back Robbie. We've missed you.

Amen

Darius - you are a tool.... and you show it too

So if you followed IDOLS last season in the UK you'll be very familiar with the tool of the show - Darius. Seriously though, he really is a tool.

Anyway he did a concert and wore a kilt. He decided not to wear any jocks and he pulled what can only be described as a child onto stage.

Please look. Come on tool boy, you're pushing it a bit.

We know and we apologise

How rude of me to carry on with my life without an update today!!

Something was done, however. I have been working hard, ONCE AGAIN, FOR YOU...... MY STUNNING LITTLE 2OCEANSVIBE READERS !!!

All I can say for now is DO NOT WASH YOUR CAR until you hear from us. Should be by early next week. Doing a deal with Cape Town's number one car wash company to give a discount for 2oceansvibe readers for the month of August. BULLSHIT!

What? Are you mental? I hear you saying. No Sir! No Ma'am! We've been in talks and finalised an agreement today and once I've got some other things done you'll be the winners ! YOU.... you and you!

Imagine a top car wash service offering you a discount for as many washes as you want for an entire month!!!

CRAZY!

God knows I love you kids!

WATCH THIS SPACE I SAID

Sunset Village

Check it out. 2oceansvibe always has its ear to the ground for the budding property magnates out there. 4 units left of this new development at Sunset Village

CLICK HERE FOR THE INFORMATION PAGE

Formula One's favourite pom

We were chilling at Caprice for lunch yesterday and suddenly there were three vans escorted by a cop (amazing) pulling up in front of Caprice. Took a distant shot of young Jenson. Took it from far away so certainly not the best shot!

I must mention how funny the Cape Town faithful were. People arrived just before Jenson arrived, with the express purpose of seeing him. Then, when he arrived, there was no chance of them getting caught actually looking at him. Way to uncool for Cape Town. F*ck it's funny!

The hottest thing to hit US politics

Kerry sexes up his campaign with a nubile hottie. The youngest delegate for the Democratic National Convention is from northeast Ohio and is 17 years old! Sarah Bender is definitely easier to look at than some of the trolls over that side of the world - read all about it

SAP shooting up the wrong hole

Oh dear! It just doesn't look good my angel! Can you imagine a London cop (yes, we know it's a bobby) chilling with his arse on his rifle? Mind you, they have bayonets at the end over there.

thanks yin

Saturate their advertising

It's good advertising.

This does not mean that we want pages and pages of emails with 'clever' advertising attachments. We are not entering a 'funny ads phase'. Like when we showed a mullet haircut once and people thought we had launched a fucking mullett website and started sending mullets and links to mullet websites. Only non-norms may send ads.

Good girl!

Go see the pics of Britney's boykee's smile on his face as Britters gives him a quick service.

CLICK HERE FOR STORY AND PICS

For the competition

We left out the password for the competition below.

The password is...... (drum roll).....

UNWIND

We have the password for you! Hating !

Check it out. Go to this website and when it asks you if you have the password, say 'yes'. Then fill in your details, and the password, and stand a chance to win a nice piss up lunch with your mates.

THE PASSWORD IS 'UNWIND'

Check out THIS PAGE

Maximum exposure

As Kristopher Schau and his band Cumshots were in the middle of their concert; a young couple entered the stage, stripped and had sex....

A note to the Firewalls - you can't see anything!

They're part of an organisation called 'F*CK FOR FORESTS'.

A banner was raised on stage informing the audience that the couple was having sex to save the rainforest. After completing the intercourse, the couple received applause from the audience and disappeared.

Read more at this news site

Weekend joke

Patient: "Doc look at this....... I've got 5 penis's"

Doctor: "Jeez... How do your pants fit?"

Patient: "Like a glove!!"

NICE PADDY !

Friday Treat

If you really want to see the full frontal pic from this month's US Playboy of Eva Herzigova then I suppose you better click this pic below. Have a good weekend kids!

All the truths and more

As predicted it was a thoroughly thorough book evening. Christian Stewart had great control of the mic as he, and the floor, questioned Mark about everything that is, and was, Springbok rugby.

I don't want to give too much away as you need to get yourself a copy of the book. Some of the stuff we knew, some of the stuff we didn't know and some of the stuff we couldn't believe. Check out www.keo.co.za for more from the diminutive book worm.

Stuart Abbott, the English centre who chose Premiership, European and World Cup victories and MBE's from the Queen over Camp Staaldraad and armbands, was there to answer questions too. What a fine young man!

Jacqui de la Cruz was also on hand.....

Anyway, go get the book - it's got more spice in it than you can wave a big stick at.

The perfect triangle turns 27 today

PHONE THIS MAN AND WISH HIM HAPPY BIRTHDAY NOW !!!

Richard Neville, the champion of the people and arguably the best scrum half and lover in the Western Cape has finally come of age. Richard, your people salute you and will continue to pay insurance premiums through you because we know you offer the best service. Well done on everything you have achieved... you really are a triangle of note!

Richard's followers will be happy to note that he will be found tonight either at ECLIPSE.

Tonight at Rhodes House

See you tonight if you're going. Will report back tomorrow. Should be a bloody hoot!

Seth

Why Britters? Why?

Here we see our little Britters punishing herself!!! Buying flowers for her bokkie, as his ex-chick is giving birth to his second child. So she'll be the step-mom to two kids at the age of 21. hmmm.

My angel you're really getting mixed up with the wrong crowd. That gutter trash boyfriend must be laughing his arse off. She has been blinded by his sexy dance moves. Shame, she needs a rest from the chaos I think.

Obviously

The gutter trash News of the World paid the girl who Lara Croft was modelled on to give her story of how JT cheated with her.

Lucy Clarkson who was used as the model for the Playstation and movie, Lara Croft, tells all in THIS ARTICLE

Outstanding JAY TEE !!!

Here are some pics of the little angel that we got for you!

And if you want to be reminded who Cameron is, Don't forget the Cameron Diaz Nipple Video HERE

Last night

I only caught it at the end, but there seemed to be a very open discussion between Brian van Ruin and Hennie le Roux (representing the players). The discussion was facilitated by the ever noisy, ever annoying John Robbie who seems to have been born with a built in amp up his arse. Keep it down John, you have a microphone, you're loud enough. Christ, he doesn't sit still either. He would be the result if the Timber City chipmunk had a lovechild with the energiser bunny. Anyway, at the end of the discussion Robbie was making out that they had settled everything. I tell you what, you don't have to be a genius to look at le Roux's body language and realise there was a lot of stuff not mentioned and certainly not settled. There is just always extra shit on the side isn't there? Great also to watch Joel 'Vicks Nasal Spray' Stransky, who's most intelligent comment had to do with the on set snacks provided by Woolworths. Seriously joel, in this case silence is not a powerful weapon, it just makes you look incredibly stupid - which we knew already............ but we won't forget that kick !

Regarding Matfield's return to South Africa we are amazed that they are unable to check him out whilst he is overseas. 2oceansvibe chatted to a Stormers player who informed us that on tour the doctor has all the facilities available to him for checking out whatever problem Victor may have had. Apparently there is even a device specifically designed to scan and look into anything you want, including knees, shoulders etc. Your story doesn't hold water guys and you're being embarrasing.

Speaking of EMBOERBOER, can it get anymore visibly emboerrising than your national side running onto the field for a test with ARMBANDS ON TO SYMBOLISE A PAY PROTEST BY THE PLAYERS!!!! FUCK ME, IT JUST DOESN'T GET ANY WORSE!!! IMAGINE THE ALL BLACKS RUNNING ON WITH ARMBANDS ON TO PROTEST AGAINST THEIR PAY PACKET?!?!? IT IS JUST NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN!

ALL IN A DAYS WORK FOR US THOUGH!

Then I just had to laugh. They had on Matt Stevens, South African born fellow who is now playing for England. Bearing in mind that he joins the show after all of the above has been discussed...... They go on to ask him:

"Matt, was it a difficult decision to play for England, instead of South Africa"

WAS THAT A JOKE?

Matt's response should have been:

"Are you fucking kidding me? Are you guys retarded? Did you watch this show for the last half an hour?"

But instead, with his good background and breeding, Matt went into some pre-recorded ramble about difficult decision and luck of the draw blah blah blah. We all know what the truth is. No one gives a fuck about this place because it's run by children.

Some guys really lost out. Look at Stuart Abbott who used to struggle to get on the bench for Western Province, let alone Stormers.

Shame. He went to England. His team won the local premiership cup and the European Heineken cup. He played for England and won the World Cup and got a World Cup Medal. Then, just for spice, The Queen met with him twice and gave him an MBE - just for good measure.

You do the math.

Now tell us, Matt, was it a difficult decision to play for England?

Grow up you fucking embiciles.

Lone nut tries to burn 'em down

Check out the facts behind the arsonist who tried to burn down the Beckham's house yesterday. Also use the opportunity to get a grip on some of the worst journalism modern tabloids have to offer. Apparently the brief to all Sun journalists is to write as though you were explaining a story to a 10 year old. ARTICLE HERE

Who is she?

It is true that there is another Osbourne kid who doesn't show up on camera but does, in fact, exist!

Check out this site for info on Aimee Osbourne, the better looking of the three freaks.

Matfield sent home for standing up. Nice guys, keep it up !

"Victor (Matfield) had a meeting with Jake White and Jake confirmed to him that he was under pressure to drop him because of the legal action he (Matfield) is taking against Sarfu," Matfield's agent, Jason Smith, said on Monday.

Matfield is one of three players who are demanding that Sarfu honour promises of contracts made to them by former Bok coach Rudolf Straeuli after last year's Rugby World Cup.

"They are not happy with that, but I want you to know that Gert and I won't judge you on it. But you are not going to influence every player in this team," said White.

Are you employed by SARFU, Jake?

Read the rest of the story on IOL CLICK HERE

Companies restricting employees from 2oceans. Why?

How can they possibly get away with classing this site as 'Adult' ?

2oceansvibe.com has been mentioned in the paper on numerous occasions. It has been mentioned on the radio just as often. It even raised funds for a child in need of an operation (see this link) ..... but companies like Mondi Paper feel this content is no good for their employees. Don't be pathetic guys. Are you referring to the fake topless pics of Britney further down? Are your employees allowed to read Vogue magazine at work? I gaurantee I'll find a minimum of 3 breasts in every copy of Vogue. What about newspaper articles showing pics of a streaker? Do you tear out the pics before your employees walk into the office? I bet your employees had access to CNN's website when they had access to the beheading video? I bet they had access to people being gored by bulls at the running of the bulls?

But noooooo, if there are nipples on the internot it's something completely different!

Grow up you fucking losers. And don't moan about swear words because that's just boring. You are dealing with adults who work for you, not babies.

Nothing like crap Cape Town service

Watch this space. We have had numerous reports of shocking service at Pigelle restaurant in Cape Town. Thanks for letting the rest of us down guys. There will be more as soon as we get some more stories in. So if you also had a revolting time at the restaurant then please, let us know.

Thanks Ken

A well done to Todd Hamilton who managed to pip the Big Easy in a play off yesterday. Don't worry Ern-dog, you'll be fine! Not much more to say on the topic, we just wanted to use the headline above!

Moving swiftly on we must congratulate Charlotte Church on a number of things as we watch her frolic in the water in the South of god knows where.

One last thing :

Killing it

We will continue our Britters obsession until she is officially off the market. Geniedit.

Throw in the towel boys

From this pic it seems Britters has a 'hold' on everything. I think she's off the market boys.

You crazy kids

Apologies for no update today - I'm sure this pic should do as an apology. Maria Sharapova... very mnandi. (Thanks to Bay 13)

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!

Seth

Exposure on Moore

Found this on mooreexposed.com - check it out. It's to do with reports by Moore in his movie Fahrenheit 9/11 - to do with the ties between Bush and Bin Laden etc. Interesting.

extracted from mooreexposed.com website

Bush family - Bin Laden family ties. The bin Ladens happen to be one enormous clan. When the founder died in 1988, he left no fewer than 54 children (some say 53 -- heck, he himself may not have kept count.). Add in grandkids, in-laws, and cousins, and it must make for a heck of a big family reunion.

The founder emigrated to Saudi Arabia early in the 20th century, founded the construction firm, was hired to rebuild Mecca, and got a lock on all religious construction in a very religious country. Most of the family is western-leaning, and send their children to the U.S. for an education. Osama went in for fanaticism, was disowned by the family, and fled the country in 1992 after the Saudis ordered him arrested. Source

The Carlyle Group. Yep, it's one big business, reportedly worth over three billion, lots projects in the Mideast. Both Bushes were tied in with Carlyle pretty thoroughly, and Bush, Sr. in retirement would travel to Saudi Arabia to hunt up more contracts. The bin Laden family invested two million in a $1.3 billion fund run by it. Source.

The airplane. About two dozen bin Laden kids were attending school in the U.S. on 9/11. They started calling the Saudi embassy, in fear they were about to be lynched (a not unreasonable fear -- a few days later a Sikh was murdered, simply because he wore a turban.) The ambassador intervened (with White House, State, or FBI -- accounts vary. They "were driven or flown under FBI supervision" to a location in the US. As CBS reported, then "they left the country on a private charter plane when airports reopened three days after the attacks." Source

Check this out

Stunning!

To follow up on our story linking to the pics of the President erect and his VP - Kerry and Edwards - check out this link. Make sure your sound is on - http://www.noedesign.com/dev/KerryEdwards/

Make millions by helping our friends in Nigeria

I'm sure we've all received the crap emails from some prince in Nigeria who has access to millions of Dollars and, with your help, he will give you some. Only a handful of people actually get into it and get punished. Sometimes people mess with them and ask them to write things on themselves or hold pieces of paper up with writing on it to prove they are real. Anyhoo, check out this thorough story on BBC

click here - http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/africa/3887493.stm

After being threatened with media punishment

The letter was cut and pasted directly from the email. We note spelling mistakes in white. Interesting that Standard Bank fucked up to the very end. They couldn't even spell check their letter. (spelling mistakes on this site by the editor in other writeups are obviously allowed!)

Hi Seth

RE: ACCOUNT XXXXXXXXXXX IN THE NAME OF XXXXXXXXX

From the outset I would like to apologise personally and on behalf of the bank for all the inconveniency caused when you tried to facilitate for the transfer of funds from the abovementioned account at our Sea Point Branch.

The information at my disposal indicates that the problem started the day the account was opened. It looks like the opening forms were either completed incorrectly or some were missing which resulted in the account being stopped by the bank official who was responsible appoval (approving official) of new accounts at Sea Point Branch at the time. The normal procedure under such circumstances is for the bank to immediately notify the client concerned of the problem so that the documents could be rectified and the stop hold on the account could be lifted. The client is normally notified by the official who interviewed and assisted the client with the completion of the opening forms (opening official).

According to the approving official the problem about the opening forms was conveyed to the opening official the same day the account was stopped and a note was placed on the account explaining the reason the account had been stopped. This information is still on our system but unfortunately, the opening official at the time left our employ in March 2004 which now makes it diffucult, if not impossible, to establish whether the client was notified or why the problem had not been sorted by June.

I must also point out that due this problem that you highlighted to us, we have now put another system in place whereby a third official make a follow up on all accounts that have been stopped due to incomplete opening documents.

Please also allow me set up an appointment to see your in your office to express our apology personally.

Kind Regards,

Sithonga Matroko
SME Manager
Standard Bank

But really, what is an apology if you have to fight for it?
Fuck you Standard Bank.

Local living legend

Local funny man and Google founder, Tad Fichardt, was spotted at a gig in Gauteng this weekend.

Tad Fichardt (left) killing it in Gauteng with one of his entourage.

Keep it up my love

Here's another angle of Tara Reid's new tabs. The first pic is of her before the upliftment.

Mnand?

Come now

Before we stop the obsession with Maria there will be a few more pics. Obviously. These are quite a hoot. The first one of the ballboys zoned in on Maria's cute little bum and second of Maria having a naughty little sweat patch. VERY VERY MNANDI !

Mnand?

Hurting it !

Fair views of Sharapova spotted on the beach after her Wimbledon win. Hating !

Yesterday's drama

So the people who I pay for the hosting space had been emailing me warnings that the domain name, 2oceansvibe.com, was about to expire. They were emaling my old email address which is quite kiff because I don't use it. So for a few hours yesterday morning the domain name was available for anyone to buy. Luckily we got it back!! For you! The people of 2oceans! The loyal supporters! Everybody say 'YEAH' (echo - yeah), evewrybody so 'Yo, Yo' (echo yo yo). thanks, Seth Rotherham.

Hello team!

ENJOY WINTER WITH US - MOVE YOUR MOUSE PIECE AROUND THE PICTURE

2oceansvibe.com and all mothers around the nation would like to thank the national media for their role in highlighting the latest and cheapest drugs taking the market by storm. With the very real fact that all publicity is good publicity, the Cape Flat's newest drug of choice, 'Tik' (classy - pronounced with slight 'Kaypee' accent), can look at heavily increased sales over the next quarter. Never before have conversations in every corner been as drug-intrigued. "What, so you put the stuff in a light bulb and then inhale it?". "fuck, I reckon hey?!". Well done, media, on giving the best roll-out branding any drug lord could ever hope for. If 35 year old accountants are intrigued you can imagine how many newly addicted 15 year olds have taken it up in the last hour. I'm going for 35 kids in the last hour?

I watched the qualifying for the formula one and must, again, have a go at our local presenters. Sasha Martinengo, (great face for radio) and his genuine knowledge about Formula 1 is a great start. Unfortunately he is surrounded by a band of buffoons who insist on annoying. For those who don't know I'll quickly explain how the qualifying works and move on to my gripe of the day. The driver's go out once, to see who can do a lap of the track the fastest. That is the first qualifying session. The second, and final qualifying session, is the one that counts. The guys who came last in the first qualifying start first, again trying to post the fastest lap and therefore start in pole position on race day. The guys who came first go last. Are you with me? Obviously driving last gives you an advantage because you have a time to chase,rather than setting a time. Quite fun.

So they're in England this weekend, racing at Silverstone. It was worked out that it might start raining half way through the second, and most important, session. Needless to say the guys were trying to go as slow as they can in the first session to avoid going out late in the second session, thus avoiding a slow time in the rain in the later portion of the second session. That was when our commentary team hit us with, "It really is sad when they abuse a loophole in the system". What are you talking about, clown? Isn't it more exciting that the teams are risking the advantage of starting last so as to maximise the advantage of missing the rain? It turns out it didn't rain so there you go!

A couple of us hit the Cape Town Motor Show at the Cape Town convention centre on Saturday. We paid to get in and to be quite frank it was absolutely TOILET! Where the fuck were the BMW's? Aren't they launching the X3 at the moment? Where was the new shape VW golf.There were more venter trailers than cars (slightly spiced stat, but you get the idea). How emwoerrising is it that some cars even had notes like "thanks to Mr Smuts for lending us his car". Very emboerboer! Don't waste your time,don't go, it's crap. You see more cars having a drink at Caprice anytime on the weekend.

Speaking of the weekend and at the risk of being boring, I must just say that the weather at the moment is totally ridiculous. Everyone is enjoying it but we find ourselves walking around exhausted with nerves as to when the big rains will come. Let's just put it down to El Nino.

Well done to the guy in the brand spanking new black Ferrari on cruising straight into the best damn parking at Caprice on Sunday night - the coveted 'door spot'.

So the property on the corner next to Caprice in Camps Bay was auctioned at around R14 million. Two rumours abound at the moment. The first is that it was bought by Nando's who want to do a trendy Nando's restaurant. The other is that they want to put in a Moyo restaurant and accommodation above it.

Quite mean. On the subject of developments, I see we'll be saying goodbye to Dirty Dicks in Hout Bay which is to be replaced by luxury accommodation. God, the Hout Bay tree people are going to do their nut over this!

Do yourself a favour and take a look at this guy - self confessed genius - www.shaunoakes.com - I won't say anything - just check it out, mind blowing.

Bad luck to Western Province this weekend. Don't get stressed boys, we're gonna take it this year. Keep an eye on the new centre, Dave Edgar. He's a lunatic but runs some very nice lines. Oh, so now I'm a rugby crit.

Just a follow up on my drama at Standard Bank.... I transferred all the money in the account over to Nedbank and was told by 'Sithonga' that I could expect a letter of apology for the drama(in last month's archive section). It still hasn't come and I can categorically state that Standard Bank is possibly the crappest bank in the Southern Hemisphere. Funny how people I speak to echo the same. Sort yourselves out Standard Bank, your ads are lies and your service is shit.

Easy tiger.

Oh, I managed to get a copy of Fahrenheit 9/11, the Michael Moore documentary which will form a part of George W Bush's downfall. Although the guy is terribly one sided there is some great footage of Bush punishing himself. The connections between his family and the Bin Laden's are quite staggering. If all that was said is true, it is abuse of a nation to such an extent that Bush should be tried in court. I won't ruin it for you but it's definitely worth a look.

2oceansvibe.com seems to be continuing the madness with average hits this month indicating we should have over a million hits by the end of the month. Thanks for the support guys! We've had a number of moans that Bob's column has gone a bit cold. Don't fret, he is sorting it out and will explain himself in his column in the very near future.

We hope you all enjoyed the Cameron Diaz video as much as we did.

Newsletters will come via email, like it used to, sometime soon. We're just sorting out our system. So keep adding your names. I hope this form of newsletter will do in the meantime, Paddy?

The odd person emailed that my story about the guy who pissed on the floor was a bit overboard. I neglected to mention he was pissing on my shoe. When living in London I stopped by the Sunday club called The Church. A guy pissed on my leg there as well. Call me crazy but I just have a thing against it.

If you're looking for a good investment, look at buying a house in Camps Bay to be rented out. You'll get 8-10% return through rentals and then you get back 30% from the government (fact) through their Tourism Grants. Have a peep at www.governmentgrants.co.za - it's too good to ignore and it won't last forever.

Please don't answer 'How are you's' with 'Can't complain' - it's so cuck.

I think that's enough now. Be good and don't bank at Standard Bank. Buy some US Dollars. Drink two litres of water a day and eat fruit at lunch time. If you live in Cape Town remember at all times to look like you aren't working and that you are, in fact, on holiday. Listen to Nic Marais on KFM (94.5 fm) on the way to work instead of Mark Gillman on 5fm. You'll be less aggressive when you get to work. Trust me. Try a box of Drosty Hof extra light wine with lot's of ice. Buy Judy's pickled onions and Carmell Gherkins (mild dill). Use Star Wash next to the highway at the Waterfront. They're better, faster and cheaper than Hannibals. Sort of like Standard Bank claims to be.

Banks, I lost your number - get in touch.

Ok, bye now.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
www.2oceansvibe.com

Kids dummies - Why didn't we think of this?!?!?

I have to stop what I'm doing for a while because these pics have totally thrown me. Hysterical!

Bad copy kids!

NOT SURE IF THAT'S POLITICALLY CORRECT GUYS

We were checking out some properties on the Trafalgar Properties website and came upon this ad. Please enjoy the specs at the bottom - Ideal lock up and go for professionals or A GAY COUPLE !!!!!

Fucking funny that they didn't think there might be a problem with that. What about the property makes it good for gays and not straight people? Is there a bonzai tree section? Is there a telephone next to the bath? Is there a built in dual hairdryer?

The 'Two John's', very close

All over each other - Stunning!

The Drudge Report tells us and shows us a series of pics showing John Kerry, Bush's main rival, and his VP, John Edwards with their hands all over each other. It really is stunning to see two grown men showing such affection toward each other. Maybe gay marraiges will become legal on a national level in the States if they get elected.

Click here for all the pics and story

Geniedit

"Figo, Ronaldo and Beckham are at the Pearly Gates of heaven, when St. Peter opens the gate. He looks to Figo and asks: 'Why do you deserve eternal happiness in heaven, my son?' Figo replies, 'I am an artist, I inspire young people to be great footballers, and in turn take them away from a life of crime.' St. Peter nods, impressed. He turns to Ronaldo and asks the same question. Ronaldo responds: 'When I play football I treat everyone as an equal. I see no ethnic or racial divides. The boy from Rio is the same as the superstar from Madrid.' Once again St. Peter is impressed, and nods. Next he turns to Beckham. 'I suppose you are looking for your ball back?'"

thanks ronald

Can't shake the summer

Thought the London and Jo'burg bunch might enjoy this pic taken yesterday. It could have been taken today as well, or Monday, or Tuesday.... as this is the current norm.

As you can see it's very cuck in Cape Town. Yes, in the background (behind the yacht) is Robben Island. Yip, correct again, that is where the international icon, Nelson Mandela, spent some time behind bars... creating the fairytale only dreams are made of.

I didn't want to turn around and take a pic of the mountain cos that might be deemed 'rude'.

Hate the game... not the playa.

J-Lo keeps it under wraps

This was sent in by our correspondent in Singapore. Gotta watch out Jen Jen! Gotta cover up that front bum at all times!

thanks yin

Just off Carnaby Street

This was sent in from the other day in central London. F1 cars hit the streets. Stunning!

thanks pete

A portrait

If you're wondering who the chap is engaged to Britters... here he is. Obviously he looks like a bit of a tool.

Cameron Diaz nipple video

STOP EVERYTHING !!! Don't ever say 2oceansvibe.com doesn't look after you!

So here it is as promised. It's the first one to hit the net. We'll obviously get hold of the longer version another time. But in the meantime... GENIEDIIIIIT !!!

Right Click and 'Save Target As'
to download the Cameron Diaz nipple video
(About 1Mb Windows Media Format)

100% Truth I tell you!

The video has hit the net and we wanted to tell you, our special 2oceans readers first! We are trying our best to get it for you.

So watch this space....

Nando's does well!

Sharapova eating a banana. MNANDI ?

Back to normal

We would like to report that everyone's favourite pickled onions, Judy's Pickled Onions, have FINALLY got hold of the big fat onions like they always used to. They fucked around with us for the last two or three years but seem to have done it again. Those of you who 'don't like' pickled onions obviously haven't tried Judy's. Trust us, they are very different to any other pickle.

On the subject of pickles we must also mention that in terms of gherkins there is no substitute for 'Carmel Mild Dill' Gherkins. Once again, they aren't anything close to the others you tried and didn't like. We have converted over 12 friends so far. Give it a bash. They also seem to have found some large gherkins after a spell of crap small ones. Oh, and only buy the gherkins in the tin (size of a Game tin).

Judy's - She likes them big

In bloody good nick !

You're a homo!

Geniedit

This outdoor toilet spotted somewhere.

Nice one Tara

American Pie's Tara Reid treating the boys!

The Sun catches her on the beach with 'The Bastard'

By the way everyone, we can confirm that the naked pics of Britters further down are indeed fake. Sorry.

Daily update

Nearly 900 so far. Check out this webpage which updates daily the casualties of the war. Quite scary the frequency of the deaths - pretty much every day. CLICK HERE.

Spending too much time with Paris Hilton

It seems the face of 2oceansvibe.com, Paris Hilton has been influencing one of Hollywoods youngest starletts. Lindsay Lohan (you might have seen her in the 'Parent Trap' a few years back, and, more recently, 'Freaky Friday') has just turned 18 and has already been snapped up with our Paris.

The fresh face youngster seems to be emulating her every step of the way.

Here we see the Lindsay Lohan nipple slip ! Thanks my love!

Aaaah, the fresh new face

I doubt there has been as big a TV audience for Wimbledon's ladies' final as there was this weekend. Sharapova has given us a much needed refresh from the man-like, hard on the eyes types like Williams and Davenport.

Tennis was heading dangerously close to the likes of Chinese swimming where women barely resemble what God intended them to look like. Thank God Maria Sharapova has arrived. People, and men in particular, didn't give a toss that Anna Kournikova used to lose, it's just nicer to watch something pretty. And that's what we have again in Maria.

Thanks Maria for giving us something to look at that doesn't resemble a man.

We toast you with this Maria Sharapova Photo Gallery.

tsk tsk Jay-Z !

Give this webpage a minute to load up. Jay-Z got a tad angry with this woman backstage - CLICK HERE

Shame on you

To the revolting individual who decided to take a piss near the bar at Billy the Bums on Saturday night....... you really are a piece of sh*t. I hope your mother knows what kind of trash you are and I trust your father molested you as a child..... or still does. Springboks is around the corner next to the railway station where they welcome your type with open arms. Go there and piss on each other. Shame.

It's just too much!

Puff Dadd's butler and personal umbrella holder, Farnsworth Bentley, has his own website. Geniedit. CLICK HERE FOR mr-bentley.com

This time at the Formula 1

Looks like we've started a trend. Here's pic from Peter of a bonehead at the Formula 1. From here it looks like Michael won. Whaddaya know !

Real or fake? You decide... Robbo, your thoughts?

A reliable source sent us these. They are about to hit the net hard. Apparently leaked Playboy pics that are set for release later in the year. We don't know how real they are. You decide....

You can always count on a bok at Wimbledon

What are you doing, woman?

Please click 'Contact 2oceans' in the left menu if you saw what I saw this morning or if you know what the outcome was.

I don't often subject myself to peak hour traffic and prefer to get to work before it gets manic. Well, today I was cruising hospital bend at 07h22. It's pretty chaotic at that time - particularly on hospital bend. When I say the bend, I mean the big left bend with about 6 lanes, with the hospital on your right. I spotted a perfect gap to get into one of the left lanes to avoid the right lane retards who get very confused with the stream of traffic that joins on the far right. So I take the gap and change two lanes to the left. Whilst I am doing this I see A WOMAN STANDING BETWEEN LANES 3 AND 4 OUT OF THE SIX LANES!!!! TRYING TO CROSS THE ROAD!!!!!!! If I had left my lane change for another 20 meters I would have totally cleaned her! Jesus Woman!! What are you thinking!!!

Personally I don't believe she made it over. She had to have been cleaned by someone. UNBELIEVABLE!! WAS I DREAMING?!? She would have been cleaned and then driven over by another 5 cars before anyone realised!

So please, if you heard about her or saw her or anything, get in touch because I am sure I wasn't dreaming. So click 'Contact 2oceans' on the left menu and get in touch!