I went to test drive a bottle of rosé at Caprice yesterday late-afternoon. I was expecting something special but, instead, I got the view you see below. I have always been careful not to punish the ill-informed - but then there is another, rather prominent side of me that wants to punish those who suffer from ill-logic. Take for example my friend here - Mr. Four by Four.
Sigh. ...Shame....
Above waist height - an absolute NO-NO in front of Caprice
Now, it doesn't take a genius to work out that a 4X4 vehicle can very easily get in the way. Those familiar with the Caprice layout (in Camps Bay, Cape Town - for our foreign readers) will agree that there is a very clear line of sight when in and outside of Caprice. Regulars will be aware that there is a handicap parking zone directly outside the entrance with a legal parking spot just next to it - stretching to the corner of the curb. Whilst some people do make the error of parking in the handicap zone (we can do nothing about these people - they come from another breeding pool), there are others who believe that the other (legal) parking place (directly in front of Cappers) is fine. Let me take this opportunity to inform you that IT IS NOT, just, FINE. How can you POSSIBLY not realise that your mammoth, long-wheel-base-man-car might be ruining MANY people's afternoons/evenings? Were you HONESTLY unaware? Are you kidding? How is that possible? I drive a fairly decent semi-sporty two door car and I can confidently declare that I have never parked in that particular spot!!!! In a two door - Let alone a moon vehicle!
To clear everything up (before I COMPLETELY lose my mind), whilst I may come across as materialistic and pretentious, it is an unspoken rule that this spot is only to be used by Ferrari's and Lamborghini's. These two brands of car, whilst hot and slick and pretty, just HAPPEN to be of average waist height - thus conducive to sunsets and views at Caprice - something which MR FOUR BY FUCKING FOUR SEEMED TO HAVE NEGLECTED TO REALISE. (That's right, investing in a Ferrari gets you the coke-whore AND the cool parking spot - everyone's a winner!)
So before everybody thinks it is COOL to park in front of Caprice.....it is NOT COOL AT ALL. But it is FINE in a Ferrari or a Lamborghini - PURELY BECAUSE OF THE VIEW.
If the real Paris Hilton's porn video wasn't enough for you [permalink]
And so it came to pass that Paris Hilton lookalike, Natalie Reid, posed for Playboy. I must admit that I can't fully get my head around it. I struggle to get turned on by pretending that someone naked is someone else. I mean, are we meant to get turned on by Natalie Reid? Or is the idea to pretend that she is Paris Hilton? If so, is it not enough that we have REAMS of actual video footage of the REAL Paris Hilton in black and white, colour and night vision, genuinely doing EVERYTHING and more than we could ever possibly conjure up in our dirty little minds using the fake Paris Hilton Playboy spread?
You may or may not know that I spent two weeks with Michael Schumacher a few years back on a film set. They were shooting an ad for some German product. I was there as his double - not that they used me in the end. The point is I was never asked to do a nude spread for any magazine, let alone Playgirl. Not that I would have. Well, unless the money was right I suppose. I wonder how much You magazine and Huisgenoot would pay me for a naked spread? I wonder how much they would pay Michael Schumacher to do a naked spread as a Seth Rotherham lookalike? He would probably be paid less to be my double than I would get to be his double, because Seth Rotherham is not as famous as Michael Schumacher.
Ok, we're losing track here. Whilst we are in no way a soft porn website, we do find it very necessary to publish these pics as it is without a doubt a feature of current topical conversation. Not that Di Data give a fuck, the (quite necessary at times) swearing on this website is enough for them to brand us pornographic AND satanic. Please find pics of Natalie 'Paris Hilton' Reid below. Click small images to see their bigger counterparts. These are CLEARLY NSFW.
I remember sitting down once and working out how many days South African's actually work. Taking into account all of the public/bank holidays we get (the highest in the world and ALWAYS moved to a week day if it isn't already) and add to that the average sick days allowed plus average days leave plus the weekends in the year, you're left with something like 175 days of actual work - less than half the year. Nothing wrong with that. Better than a kick in the arse.
But right now I want to chat about Tuesday night. This Tuesday night. Wednesday is a public holiday - Women's Day - so the boys at Rock Star have chosen Tuesday night for a SCHTOINKER of a party at Ignite in Camps Bay. Check out the flyer below with numbers for info etc. It's filling up pretty quickly so I would get in touch with them ASAP.
As she stuffs her face, burbs, chats about time travel and much more! [permalink]
You have just never seen anything like this in your life. Britters is caught on camera by Kevin and she, sadly, comes across like a TOTAL moron. The accent is something to behold. Shades of Forrest Gump's "Stupid is as stupid does". God help us. For me, the worst part is when the vid is at 1min10sec and she says the words "movie and stuuuuff" with the WORST southern white trash hick hillbilly accent you have ever heard in your life. BUT, whilst she is saying it, she is EVEN craning her neck out - like a real hick. It is cringe material. I now have to go to the bathroom and scrub my eyeballs with wire wool.
I'm not totally over her. She is very confused and just needs love. And maybe a few weeks in Seth Rotherham's finishing school where she will learn about how to hold a knife and fork.
But then I always remember what my homies always tell me - you can't turn a ho into a housewife.
Thanks sa
Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com [permalink]
You may have caught the news about the guy that sent an email (love letter) to a woman after meeting her at a party. You may have even seen a mention of it on the BBC's website (Andre V will be pleased with this proof). If you haven't, this is what it's about... This guy got quite hammered at a party where he met the lady. He was obviously quite taken by her and managed to get her email from a group email about the party. Things went pretty much downhill from there.
Your love letter on the BBC - not ideal
So our boy decided to compose an email. Pretty daring to say the least and certainly not something I would do without any council whatsoever. Whilst I'm sure he just wanted to 'touch base' with the woman, he lost the plot completely and came out the other end looking like a complete and utter psycho. The email was subsequently forwarded all over the world resulting in the guy having to change all of his phone numbers. I won't say any more for now. I think you need to read it and we'll chat afterwards. If I may:
Hello Kate,
It's joe - we met at Andrew's party.
I hope you don't mind me getting your e-mail address from the e-mail
that Andy sent to us all; it is a bit sneaky of me.
It was wonderful to meet you on Saturday, and I wonder if you would
consider meeting me for coffee sometime; maybe at the Tate Modern?
OK. This is where my common sense is telling me to stop? keep it simple
and positive joe.
And the probability of me listening to that voice? Experience has taught
me that it is not worth putting up a fight, I will end up giving in to
the part of me that never wants to find itself shaking its head and
muttering "if only"
This is the part where I throw caution to the wind; the part where I
listen to my heart and remember that I should live my life as an exultation and revel in the opportunity to try; the part where I refuse to apologize
for who I am; the part where I trust that the lady I met on Saturday
night is, as I suspect, able to see sincerity where others would see
clich.
I am fortunate enough to have been able to collect a number of special
memories. They are memories of moments that made any struggle leading up to them worthwhile. They are memories of moments when I am struck by
something so beautiful, time stands still and all of the ugliness in the
world ceases to exist.
Your smile is the freshest of my special memories.
Regardless of whether we see each other again, I will use it as I do my
other special memories. I will call on it when I am disheartened or low. (like a wank bank? - Seth) I will hold it in my heart when I need inspiration. I will keep it with me for moments when I need to find a smile of my own.
I am unsure of all my motives for sharing this with you and, if I am
honest, not ready to examine them too closely. However, I know that it
makes me feel good to believe that maybe, if you are ever upset, knowing
that I will be keeping your smile alive might help you through.
If you are half as intelligent and aware as I believe you to be, I am
sure that you will find what I have written, in the very least, sweet.
If I am twice as lucky as I would dare to hope, you will find this note
charming and agree to contact me and arrange a date.
Either way, I trust that your reply will be candid - you told me how
much you value honesty.
One last thing, I promise that it is enormously rare for me to stray as
far from sobriety as I managed on Saturday night.
Be safe.
Joe
Ok, let's have a little breather......
Right........, CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT EMAIL?!?!?!?
Shame, the poor guy - he just lost it completely. You'll notice the point where he says that "this is the point where my common sense is telling me to stop" - bloody right, Joe! That is why it is called common sense - because it IS COMMON SENSE. It makes common sense because emails like that freak people out. That is WHY people USE common sense.
There is so much to talk about. Every paragraph is a treat. I can't possibly go through the whole thing - it'll take forever. I'll let you read over it again and again and again. I don't know HOW an email like that POSSIBLY got the go ahead. I think our boy sent it when he got home that night - when he was still broken.
I receive all sorts of email every day from various readers - some happy, some sad. Some readers challenge things I have said which can often turn into healthy, insightful debate.
But then I get emails from special people who challenge something I have said and, in the process, reiterate everything I said in the first place. It can only be compared to popping a wheelie and falling over backwards. It's probably got to do with being taken off the tit early.
Dont you think that note from you maid Mavis is a bit over the top??? No, really !!! ...it is a bit over the top!!
Do you really think that all your readers is so stupid to see that that handwriting is not from you maid. Maids are usually not of high education status, and most people with low education status, usually does not have nice handwriting.
Point is...........your just gonna deny this anyway....... I just wanted to make a point that not all the readers of your website is as stupid as you think.
Seeya !
Andre
______________
Hi Andre,
Do you really think I is so stupid to see that your email is not from you, but from your maid? My readers are usually not of low education status, and most people with high education status, usually does not have appalling spelling and grammar - similar to that of a neanderthal.
Point is........your just gonna deny this anyway..... I just wanted to make a point that not all the readers of my website is as clever as I thought.
Seeya!
Seth
PS. Furthermore, my dear Andre, I think you will find that your email reiterates my article entirely. I DO think the note is over the top. I AM impressed by Mavis's handwriting. That is PRECISELY the reason why I wrote the article and that is PRECISELY the reason why I am so blown away.
You don't have to believe it, my love, but it sort of takes away the point of this website. Imagine if I just made everything up? What would be fun about that?
Shame, I think I know a little boy who needs a lie down.....
Or must mommy go and fetch the wooden spoon?
UPDATE: Needless to say I received a number of emails from regulars joking that Andre V's email was SO bad that it must surely also be a fake. Now that's good humour! Quality, as I have come to expect from the regulars.
People often come up to me and (besides trying to dry-hump me against the wall) ask me if the notes I receive from my domestic executive, Mavis, are real. The most recent mention I made of Mavis was this one where it was evident that she thought we had become buddies and thus ended her note off with the word 'cheers'. There seems to be some confusion, and this was further augmented with a new note that was stuffed in the door handle of my car when I got back from overseas last week. I noticed that Mavis had cleaned my car whilst I was away (bizarre) and she had left this note to let me know.
I thought I would show you the actual note as you probably wouldn't believe me.
The latest installment from Mavis
For those of you who, for some strange act of God, cannot see the picture of the note, it reads:
WELCOME!
I AM BODY-PAMPERED
&
BODY-LICIOUS
She looked after me
GOOD RIDDANCE
Now there are a number of things that bother me about this note. She seems to have written it as though it was written by the car. She is taking on other personalities. I don't think that is viable. The note starts with the word 'Welcome' which should have obviously included the word 'home' or 'back'. Moving on, I am TOTALLY and UTTERLY confused at her utterance of the words 'BODY-LICIOUS' (let alone the words 'body-pampered'). What in God's name is going on? I have never in my life heard of, nor ever expected my domestic executive to use 'licious' after any word other than 'de'.
The end of the note was the straw that broke my brain's back. The second last part is obviously part of the personality she has now given the car. "She looked after me" it reads. So SHE is saying that the CAR is saying that SHE (Mavis) looked after her (the car). Ok, good one, Mavis. I like this game.
AND THEN.......... as if things couldn't get more absurd, she throws in the words 'GOOD RIDDANCE' at the end!!!!!!
What the FUCK are you talking about, Mavis? What do you mean? Good riddance to the dirt, perhaps? Or good riddance to me? Must I just fuck off now?
Is it drugs? 'Cos we can fix it if it is. Just tell me.
Too much partying can be destructive, kids [permalink]
I trust you will thoroughly enjoy this letter that was sent to Lindsay Lohan during the filming of a new flick of hers. As you can see, kids, too much partying, booze and drugs CAN negatively effect one's career. That is what they mean when they say that "drugs ruined his/her career". The late night partying brought about poor attendance at work, which resulted in warning after warning, which resulted in no more work being offered. It's quite simple. Stick to mushrooms.
We always knew the TBG was an avid movie goer [permalink]
What a great start to the month of August! The TBG (Tall Blonde Guy) was spotted at the cinema and accepted the opportunity to touch the lives of two young men. This particular TBG sighting allows us further insight into the life of this great man.
The TBG touches the lives of Brad and his pal.
We have discovered that the TBG enjoys his popcorn and prefers it lightly salted. Absolute genius! I won't say anymore - here is the sighting we received from Brad S:
Hi Seth,
We went to the movies the other day and witnessed a spectacular event! Let me tell you that it is a truly incredible experience to stand side by side to the TBG - He is a huge man, coupled with a huge aura and presence. He even has a soft side. Not many people have probably witnessed this first hand..
He even eats popcorn like a normal human.... lightly salted...
When I asked him if we could take his picture, he replied "its normally chicks who ask for photos" I laughed in fear that he would crush me with his eyes...
I feel more of a complete man to have shared this experience with my mate Matt.
That was the best "spitbraai" ever. Thank you TBG - for everything...
Brad S
Amazing story, Brad. You and your friend have had your lives touched by the living legend that is the TBG. It's the stuff dreams are made of.
And Seth's subsequent quest for quality [permalink]
My Mother's extravagant taste and lifelong quest for quality has no doubt contributed towards my insistence of top service and superior brands. As a child I remember there were particular brands in our home that had no possible substitutes - Carmel's gherkins and Judy's Pickled onions are two simple examples that come to mind. There were no compromises on brands at home and the only reason we would be out of stock of gherkins would not be because there were no gherkins at the shop, but rather because they were out of stock of Carmel gherkins that day. Brands were never changed at home and there was a reason for that. As I grew up and moved out of home I didn't dare purchase anything other than what I was used to. Sometimes I would make a mistake and buy another brand eg. 'Koo' gherkins. The revolting inferior taste would be a reminder to stick to what I knew and not to be a hero. Other kids and families bought different brands and obviously weren't aware - they were lucky, they didn't know what the "best" tasted like.
Some of the other 'necessities' in my Mother's life could be deemed outrageous - her skin would come out in hives if she used any perfume other than Jean Patou's 'Joy' (often unashamedly advertised as "The most costliest perfume in the world") and she refused to drink out of plastic cups as they gave her ulcers in her mouth. Crystal glass had no effect, luckily. It wasn't her fault, her body rejected anything other than the best. Funny, the same thing happened to Seth.....
This kind of exposure to the finer things in life has certainly enhanced my metrosexual side. One of the key qualities of being part metrosexual is the ability to treat oneself to a good pampering. In fact the very term 'metrosexual' allows the straight only-child to get away with things that our macho counterparts would deem gay (as I said in a previous article, I have nothing against gays, some of my best friends take it up the arse). Now we all know that with being a metrosexual comes the appreciation of a good bath. I have been a regular bather since birth. As a child, some of my less metrosexual friends would often come over to my house for a secret bath session - enjoying the exclusive high quality products that surrounded the tub, as well as the big mirror at the foot of the bath. The Photographer, The Roofer and The Centre all enjoyed this secret pastime. At least they acknowledged the sheer bliss of it all. Others cannot fathom the notion - The Beer Rep in Australia fell over backwards when I said I would call him back after I had a 'bath'.
"A bath??!!" (pronounced 'Baaaaaaath' with the Australian twang).
"What the fuck are you talking about mate!!??" came the bemused response.
He still uses it in conversation and finds it terribly amusing. "Hey Seth I'm going to the bar to get a beer. You want one? Or are you going home for a baaaaaath?". This is followed by him collapsing with laughter.
That aside, I remember my mother using a particular brand of bubble bath that I have found increasingly difficult to get hold of. The man on the street is no doubt happy with the extensive range of Radox foam baths, but I'm afraid it just won't do. After months of searching I stumbled upon a chemist in Green Point which stocked Badedas. Aaaaaaah, the holy grail! It is more costly than the regular brands and I would recommend you DON'T buy it. Like I said, if you don't know any better........
Badedas - Mother had her reasons
I found the following writeup on the internot about Bededas.
Hmmm, as I thought...
Badedas Original Bath Gelée(Their word, not mine)
As yet undiscovered outside Europe, (of COURSE NOT, God help us) Badedas is the premier bath additive, famous for it's rich, luxurious properties. The sensual and mysterious image of Badedas has captured the romance and imagination of the refined and cultivated European customer for years. (Brilliant!)
Badedas contains a unique combination of horse-chestnut extract (obviously) and a luxurious revitalizing fragrance which embodies the sophisticated and sensual image for which Badedas is renowned. (They're going for it now)
Badedas offers a complete range of bathing additives encouraging the consumer to treat and reward themselves. Its premium packaging reflects its ideal suitability as a gift line (even the packaging is orgasmic!).We guarantee that you'll find Badedas a truly pampering and luxurious bathing experience. Luxuriate and experience the rich evocative magic of Badedas. ('evocative MAGIC'!) Rich and creamy with vitamin E, natural plant oil, horse chestnut, sweet almond oil, leave the skin feeling velvety smooth and delicately fragranced.
Ok, no surprises there! Spot on!
So that's it, folks. If you want to treat yourself or your angel, start a little search for Badedas foam bath. Sit back, relax and enjoy it. But most importantly, relax your mind - safe in the knowledge that you're using one of Seth's obsessively preferred brands. Brands used by "refined and cultivated European customers" since 1977!
In yet another no-nonsense, straight-to-the-point article [permalink]
Today we bring you something about Mel Gibson.
Jesus!
Take it easy Mel!
You may or may not have seen an article about Mel Gibson being arrested for drunk driving (only geeks say 'drink driving'). Local papers have obviously been too terrified to print what he said to the arresting officers. They'll go as far as letting you know it was rude. I'll tell you what, it was out-of-fucking-control.
Please enjoy:
"Once inside the car, a source directly connected with the case says Gibson began banging himself against the seat. The report says Gibson told the deputy, "You mother f****r. I'm going to f*** you." The report also says "Gibson almost continually [sic] threatened me saying he 'owns Malibu' and will spend all of his money to 'get even' with me." The report says Gibson then launched into a barrage of anti-Semitic statements: "F*****g Jews... The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world." Gibson then asked the deputy, "Are you a Jew?" The deputy became alarmed as Gibson's tirade escalated, and called ahead for a sergeant to meet them when they arrived at the station. When they arrived, a sergeant began videotaping Gibson, who noticed the camera and then said, "What the f*** do you think you're doing?" A law enforcement source says Gibson then noticed another female sergeant and yelled, "What do you think you're looking at, sugar tits?"
"SUGAR TITS"
Did you get that? SUGAR TITS!!! Whaaaah!
Fucking brilliant! From Mel Gibson!
That's not in the Lord's Prayer!
Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com [permalink] [Source - The Superficial]
New lipstick shade well received by 2oceansvibe [permalink]
Christina Aguilera has made a very welcomed change from her trademark red lipstick and is now sporting an absolutely gorgeous shade of pink.
And so:
A Lighter Shade of Pink
We skipped the light fandango
I turned Christina across the floor
I was feeling kind of seasick
The crowd called out for more
I was getting harder
As the ceiling flew away
She called out for another lipstick
The waiter brought a tray
And so it was that later
As the miller drank his drink
That her lips at first just blood-red
Turned a lighter shade of pink
No kidding! Arnold's Restaurant, 60 Kloof Street, Gardens, Cape Town [permalink]
Look, they HAVE hiked the price up to R7 from their initial launch price a number of months ago of R6. We won't have a go at them for that. You're still able to use car guard money in your ashtray to pay for 2 eggs, 2 slices of toast, 2 strips of bacon, 2 slices of grilled tomato and ostrich wors. I know, you're probably a little bit thrown now. You're probably wondering what the catch is? Don't fright, it's all very simple. I've been going there for morning meetings with The Marketing Guy for ages and it just keeps on happening.
Another nice thing about Arnold's Restaurant on Kloof Road is the staff seem to know you. They understand what you want. They don't get confused and they smile. There are three or four 'hosts' in the restaurant cruising around helping out. They're big guys who scream and shout from every corner of the restaurant to the other staff and the kitchen - great atmosphere and the food comes out at lightning speed.
Try it for yourself - you know we only choose the best for you.
A few of you probably did a double take when you heard KFM morning show's Nic Marais (the intelligent person's morning show of choice) confirming that the song that just played was Paris Hilton's new single, 'Stars are blind'. You stopped and thought about it - trying to work out how the last song went. You couldn't quite remember but you know that you enjoyed it. And then, slightly slower than Pavlov's dogs, you eventually work out that the little unobtrusive reggae-island-style sounding song that you have quietly been bobbing your head to for the last two weeks, is actually her song.
A PICTURE MOMENT FOR THE GIRLS. Matthew McConaughey pics
MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY
Magically. Slowly. Gently. Evenly. And then HARD HARD HARD. [permalink]
And here it is. With his tan, wavy hair, six-pack and stubble. Matthew McConaughey is running in the waves with a cute dog. It's all quite amazing. He is wet as well, from the ocean. He is very down to earth, funny and intelligent. Imagine him holding you close, from behind...whispering in your ear...telling you how beautiful you are. Then he nibbles on your ear lobe. But then his phone rings and it's his personal trainer, Kate. He puts the phone down and looks at you...deep into your eyes and tells you he has been fucking Kate for two months.
