Obviously
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Honestly, we weren't very surprised when we opened up this week's FHM magazine to find that the 2oceansvibe FHM Homegrown Honey 2006 choice, Barbara, had made the top 10. This is the kind of stuff you learn to expect with the 2oceansvibe readers (original article and pics here). Yes, I mean you. Every one of you. If I had the time and the opportunity I would grow little wings and fly all over Cape Town and give you all a little kiss on your foreheads. I would stuff myself with food and take off my clothes before doing so - to fully give off the impression that I am an actual cherub. Everyone would get a kiss, even you, AJ Venter, just to piss you off.

Keeping our eye on the ball, it is your duty to give Barbara the final push she needs to dominate the other 9 finalists (the votes start at zero again). We have access to basic voting stats from FHM and will be holding back articles until we see a significant increase in the votes. Serioulsy.

How do you vote, you ask? Very simple.

SMS the number 86 to 34672


Click to make everything bigger

SMS the number 86 to 34672

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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British tourist picks up where Yardley left off
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Someone's got to say something about this British tourist who suddenly finds himself in a spot of shit for burning down half of Table Mountain and murdering someone. I think people are just way too accepting of what they read these days. Why do we leave our bullshit detectors turned off when we read the papers the papers? (intentional)

For those of you who didn't notice the Independence Day cloud of smoke engulfing Cape Town this week, there was a fire the size of Connecticut on Table Mountain (see previous article). The fire and/or smoke also killed an old duck who was having a little walkabout on the slopes.

Obviously it's sad that someone died but PLEASE enjoy this quote from The Times newspaper:

"They were walking towards the smoke and the elderly lady lost control. She fell to the ground and caught fire," Senior Superintendent Tummi Golding said.

Thanks for that, Tummi. Good one.

I remember wondering how the fire started and whether or not it was intentional. I have been told about arsonists who atually go out there and start fires and I would imagine that these people can and have been caught in the past. Fires can also obviously start from people flicking lit cigarettes onto the mountain, something which would make catching the culprit verging on impossible.

THIS IS INCORRECT

Amazingly, in Cape Town, our highly skilled mountain rangers actually CAN catch the cigarette-flicking culprits. The papers informed us that a British tourist was seen flicking his cigarette onto the mountain. The witness watched the area where the cigarette was flicked and noticed a fire starting (this CANNOT be instantaneous). He then went over to the fire and tried to put it out. He couldn't put the fire out because it was spreading so fast BUT HE WAS STILL ABLE TO RADIO HIS BUDDY FURTHER DOWN THE MOUNTAIN TO STOP THE CAR! Not just that, but he ALSO gave his buddy the car registration number. Are you fucking kidding me? Unless the fynbos is injected with petrol, I'm finding it very hard to believe that all of this is true (for non-residents, 'fynbos' is the very unpretty local mountain vegetation that we're all meant to be very proud of. Some people cry when it burns. Some even commit suicide. This latest spurt of fires has rendered a number of my friends bullemic.)

I reckon the journalist writing the story has left out a couple of facts, because how the story stands at the moment is pretty unbelievable.

Have a little read over this:

Fiona Kalk, communications manager of the Table Mountain National Park, said the start of the fire was witnessed by a Hoeriekwaggo trail guide, Donovan Lyimo: "He was at the bottom of Platteklip Gorge on Tafelberg Road when he saw a man flick a cigarette from a car window and saw the fire start. Although Donovan tried to put out the fire there was no way he could, because it spread very rapidly.

"The man in the car also saw the fire starting but drove off. Donovan then radioed the registration number of the car to another guide, Noluthando Mathe, who was further down the road. She jumped in front of the car, stopped it and radioed rangers, who arrested the man."

UN BE LIEVABLE!

Does nobody find this story even the slightest bit spicy? I'm sorry but I'm not buying it.

Capetonians are world-renowned spicemasters and I THINK I know a little boy who is no different. Personally, I think Donovan started the fire. I think the fire started when he dropped the crackpipe he was smoking and, in his stoned dwaal, pinned the blame on the first tourist he could see.

It was Donovan. Donovan did it. AND he murdered that poor old lady.

On a final note I will remind you of two other recent bullshit stories we have had in the Cape Town region. Just recently they blamed a "loose bolt" for the Koeberg Nuclear Power Station reactor shutting down, causing a blackout in the Western Cape for five hours. And please, for God's sake, don't forget when planes were unable to land and Cape Town international airport shut down for a couple of days because there was A HOLE IN THE RUNWAY! I very much doubt it. I don't believe a hole was to blame. I think we all know what it really was. You know what it was. We ALL know what it was.

I think you'll find Donovan was lying in the middle of the runway, smoking his crackpipe again.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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As we continue searching for a clever headline
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I don't really know what angle to take here. There was a terribly fierce fire on Table Mountain today. I'm not quite sure how these fires start. Some people reckon it's from someone flicking a cigarette out their car windows. Others think otherwise. Can you say that? Others think otherwise! I thought I would ask my local car guard outside Caprice and he was convinced that someone started it on purpose. I can sort of see the kick that the arsonist gets out of it. Complete havoc. The arsonist sees hundreds of people rushing around to stop something that he/she started. It turns him/her on. Personally I get more of a kick out of using the word "fuck" to explain phonetically the letter "F" to the people at the other end of Telkom's enquiries. That's right, they're absolutely fine with it. Give 1023 a call and ask for the number of something with the letter "F" in it. When you spelling it out and you get to "F", say to them, "F, for fuck". I swear to you, they don't bat an eyelid. Shame. Anyway, here are some on-the-scene pics sent in by Bernito V.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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Refuses to "STAY" !
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I struggle to get excited about new pics of Paris Hilton letting one of her nipples out for some air. I mean, really - we've seen her completely starkers in night vision video. How can this possibly do anything for us? But we'll still click on the pic to have a look won't we? You bloody right we will.

Click to see the Hilt nipple you know so well

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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I'm fine with that
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Finally the little spunk bomb has decided to change her trash skater look. I knew it was going to happen, it was just a matter of time. So here she is.... all woman. She really is quite gorgeous. Be interesting to see if her music changes. Yes, yes, I wonder if it will.

Yes, I wonder.

Maybe she'll go for a, you know, a more sophisticated feel.

Yeeeees, yeeees, she might.

Yes, she might just do that.

Be interesting to watch.

Yes, you said it would be.

I bet she enjoys it.

Apparently she does.

I heard she fucking LOVES it!

Is that right?

Yes, that's what I heard.

I bet she does....

"Fuck you Seth! You don't love me!"

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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As TBG spends more time in the suburbs
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I am honestly blown away with the TBG sightings! 2006 is obviously the year of the TBG (Tall Blonde Guy). Two sightings in one week of the TBG. One in Wynberg, and one in Claremont! This is obviously sparking speculation that the TBG is "looking to buy in the Southern Suburbs". But I wouldn't get my hopes up. Please note the actual story of the sighting below:

Again, the TBG chooses health

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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Tis the season for homemade porn
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It's times like these that people stumble upon 2oceansvibe for the first time and reckon that it's content is verging on porn. I don't think we've mentioned sex tapes on this website since Paris Hilton's tape over a year ago (it seems). After a long sex-tape-scandal break, we get two reports in one week! Colin Farrell at the beginning of the week and now, more importantly, Carolyn Murphy.

"I own you"

Just to fill you in, Carolyn Murphy took over from Elizabeth Hurley as the face of Estee Lauder. She was VH1/Vogue's Model of the year a few years back and has done plench work for design houses like Prada, Versace, Gucci and Dolce & Gabbana. So we're talking good bone structure here. Quality stuff. A far cry from chain-smoking Colin Farrell and his ex-Playboy Playmate sex video. Apparently Murphy's hard-core tape was filmed on honeymoon in Barbados with Jake Schroeder, her ex-husband (who hates her) a couple years back. Among other nice things he has said about her, he also mentioned that "Carolyn is as fake as her new tits". Hilarious!

"I'm scared. Please protect me"

Now we certainly do not condone the theft and distribution of these tapes which are obviously private property. But if you think we're not going to take a peek when they do arrive, you're very mistaken.

"I love watching you. Make me laugh, darling"

The tape is still doing it's rounds and, like the Farrell tape, will be freely available in no time, I'm sure. Again, we do not condone the distribution of this kind of private property be we will definitely point you in the right direction when it becomes available.

And heres one more pic of the Murphmeister, just for good measure.

Very cuck

Source

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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As reporting verges on lunacy
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A thoroughly amusing Cape Times front page story helped dull the pain I felt after another highly successful Sunday night at Caprice. Speaking of which, I must just say that the girl/guy ratio was fantastic last night. I see we have also received some new recruits who have made the transition from the younger La Med Sunday night crowd. Welcome, little angels.

Back to the front page. It is all too common for local journalists to balls up their articles so what I'm about to say is certainly not a revelation. It is funny, nonetheless. The headline was "Get ready for more blackouts". Fine. We then kicked off the ENTIRE newspaper with a beautifully constructed sentence. Now bear in mind, this is the first sentence of the front page MAIN story for the day. The first sentence of the entire newspaper:

"Rolling blackouts could become
an ongoing feature of life in the Western Cape"

..COULD BECOME AN ONGOING FEATURE OF LIFE?

Seriously, are you fucking kidding me? Who talks like that? Surely "Way of life" isn't that hard to put down in writing? Surely it looks and reads perfectly? Even a "part of life" would have been fine. But FEATURE OF LIFE. Well, I'm blessed! It just reads so very very badly. Do you not see that? Does no one proof read this stuff? (Something I wish I had)

But there was more to come. Our boy reports that "A LOOSE BOLT was partly responsible for the shutdown of a NUCLEAR REACTOR at Koeberg which caused two power cuts in mid-November for about five hours and 30 minutes each" I am struggling to believe that a loose bolt was partly to blame for the whole of the Western Cape blacking out. Even if it was, DON'T TELL US - IT'S TOO FUCKING RIDICULOUS! I tell you what, I have a brilliant idea to stop these obscene power cuts. Get some pliers, walk around the nuclear power plant and TIGHTEN ALL THE FUCKING BOLTS!

A loose bolt.
Similar to the one that caused the Great Western Cape Blackout.

I heard a beauty the other day from 'the simple one' that does the morning show on that numerically titled radio station. Shame. I can't remember what the topic was, but they were talking about how something or other should be drilled into kids' heads. They were saying that it was essential for kids to be taught this particular thing. The Dumb One mentioned that these kinds of things should be "THRUSHED into kids' heads".

THRUSHED

It doesn't take a genius to know that thrush is generally one of two things. It is either a kind of bird, or something to do with the vagina. Neither of which are particularly handy when trying to administer something to a child's head. He obviously meant to use "thrash", but there was no mistaking the change of vowel.

This is an ongoing problem amongst journalists and radio figures (generally speaking). I'll tell you what happens. It's quite simple. I've seen these people work. I see their minds work and it is so sad to watch. You've seen it before, but maybe you didn't look into it. Let me explain...

What they do is they listen to other people talking around them. Like babies learning to talk, they pick up new words and try them out. They hear more intelligent people using bigger words. But HERE is where the problem comes in. They don't realise that the bigger words that are being used around them are ACTUALLY being used for a REASON. It's not to show off. Bigger words are used instead of simpler words PURELY to be more descriptive. The smart people have, over time, learnt these words properly. The simpletons think it is a way of making other people think they're clever. What happens? They overhear someone talking about "thrashing" something into someone's head and the next thing you know they're trying to get something into a child's head using a vagina!

Keep it simple, kids, you're begging the question.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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Spotted at Kauai - Cavendish Square
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This year is getting off to an AWESOME start with regards to TBG (Tall Blonde Guy) sightings. Gordon G writes:

"Apologies for the quality of the photo. I had to use my camera phone while walking past him, to ensure I didn't disturb him in his natural environment. He was looking a little sunburned. Clearly a symptom of spending some quality time on the beach over the last few days"

Good work, Gordon. Although blurred, there is no mistaking the TBG! For me the big thing is that the TBG is choosing the healthier alternative to the various other fast foods out there. He almost has a sixth sense guiding him to be a good role model for kids and adults alike.

Keep it up people, we're getting nearer and nearer to our goal - a full understanding of who the TBG is and what makes him tick.

Other TBG sightings

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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As Brad's beautiful sperm dance with Angelina's stunning eggs
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I am always amazed at how fast things happen in movie land. Just yesterday we were reading about Brad giving Aniston the boot, and now we see Angelina's basically got a small ocean going vessel inside her body. At this rate she'll probably have the baby next Wednesday.

I didn't want to write about this story because it's already been mentioned everywhere else. Even our local papers were relatively quick on the uptake. But then I found this pic and I was pretty blown away.

"Yes, Maddox has been praying for several days now"

I mean really, that is a helluva bump. Shame, look at the guy in the yellow T-shirt - he's literally melting from her beauty. He's thinking "I can be Brad". And to the bottom right of the picture is Jolie's adopted Cambodian child, Maddox. He seems a little bit older than the ones I have under my floor boards who work 23 hours a day churning out flip flops for my mates - and all surf shops in the Western Cape.

I always said that Brad and Jennifer would have a beautiful child, but now I think we're talking about the real deal. At least this child won't inherit Anniston's puppy-dog-skew-smile-raised-eyebrow expression that is getting a little bit tiring now. I'm surprised the Discovery Channel hasn't paid millions to attach a mobile ultrasound unit to Jolie's belly so as to keep an eye on the development of the World's most beautiful human being. I think it's important for science and the World. It's great for kids too as it will enforce the importance of physical beauty when reproducing. Something that has been largely ignored in areas such as Kalk Bay.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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The imate k-Jam / Qtek 9100
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I was meant to write this ages ago but I was so busy being efficient that I forgot completely. I am here to tell you about your new life. It goes by two names, either the 'imate K-Jam' or the 'Qtek 9100' - they're the same phone. For the last two years I have been using PC Phones like these; always moving ahead to the next model when it came out. So my last phone before this was the 'imate Jam' (sans 'k'). The software, functionality and sound was the same as this new one, but this new one has loads more features. Useful features I might add, which is all too rare in this dark and dangerous PDA market. (I trust everyone enjoyed my use of the word 'sans' earlier. Personally, I pissed myself). When people ask me if it is indeed a phone, I usually reply that it is not. I explain to them that this is not a "phone", it is a "lifestyle". When it rings they tell me that my "lifestyle is ringing". I think this is a good point for you to take a moment to actually look at the phone. I want you to look at its beautiful action-packed, high-tech, supremo-gadget's image.

Taste it

I know you're enjoying whats going on towards the bottom of the phone's face. You like those buttons. You like how they fit together. It reminds you of the spaces between the doors and the body of the Audi TT. Similair vibe we're seeing here. Don't be scared of that - it's not your fault. Everybody feels that feeling. That is what happens when something has fucking beautiful lines. Like the new Aston Martin Vantage which you're in love with. It's not your fault. Don't fright. You're feeling like this because of the lines on the car. Just like this phone. It's very normal to feel how you feel. You're turned on. At this stage of the game the girls will be getting a little hot. You'll notice blotchy pink/red patches showing up around your lower neck area. Don't panic. It's making you feel sexy. You are sexy. And guys, a slight semi right now is absolutely fine. Just chill. It's not you, it's the phone.

I'll jump in to the main feature on the K-Jam which was not present on the previous model. I am referring to the God-like slide-out keyboard. To think how I coped before without one throws me on the verge of bullemia. Let's take a look at that keyboard.

Lip my phone

Oh yes please! You fucking love it, don't you? How beautiful is that keyboard? Ok, now that you understand the layout of the phone I will tell you what I do with it.

I think I will highlight the text I am writing when mentioning a feature. This will make it easier for you to read. I'm not going to tell you in any order, I'll just start spitting it out. When I do a quick half an hour work session on my phone, I normally slide out the keyboard, rather than using the stylus (phone pen) and typing on the screen. That's for losers. You're not a loser. And enjoy this, the whole picture on the screen of the phone automatically flips 90 degrees so that you aren't reading the screen the wrong way round. You like that don't you? I think you do.

Operating the PDA is a doddle. The menu system is basically like a mini-Windows vibe. With a start icon bringing up menus. The software is made by Microsoft so it's like you're using Windows . So you're also helping out Bill Gates who needs as much money as possible so that he can finally buy a planet which he can escape to. This will be just before he presses the button which stops Windows software from working on Earth. You know that the concept is possible, don't you? Honestly, it is. Not the planet part, but the part about Bill Gates stopping the world. If Microsoft Windows had a secret pre-set date inside the Windows software then it could be timed to freeze all computers all over the world. That includes major banking systems in the World using Microsoft. Not to mention stock exchanges, governments, telecomms and, lest we forget, all of our machines connected to the internet right now. Please don't bore me with emails detailing the ACTUAL computer operating systems used in the aforementioned industries. That will just be too boring for words.

If you want to dial a phone number then you dial on the screen. That's correct, the numbers for dialling a phone number show on the touch-sensitive screen. Around the frame of the phone are various one touch buttons. So, for example, you can hold one button whilst you're talking on the phone and it will immediately begin recording your phone call. You use the same button if you want to save a dictaphone-style message for yourself. I do that to remind myself to write a story about something. It's too easy- l just grab my phone from my pocket, hold the button and say "Absolutely smashed barman at Chapman's Peak Hotel". Then later on I can play back any voice notes I made. (look out for article on Chapman's Peak Hotel barman). The other button is a camera (with light) which I use to take pictures for the "Photo of the moment" section of this website (left menu in the red block). It also films really good video with surprisingly small file sizes. Then there is another button that switches on/off things like wi-fi wireless internet, GPRS, bluetoof, infra red and all that cuck. You can re-programme the buttons to do different things. For example I re-programmed that button to bring up a calculator on the screen. It's better than having to fart around the menus to find the calculator programme. Cos when you need a calculator you need it fast. (A "your mother 'needs it fast'" chirp would be great here). Two other buttons load up the Internet Explorer web browser and the mail software.

Surfing on the net using Internet Explorer on these phones is a mind fuck. Obviously you quietly slide out the keyboard and surf with the screen sideways - allowing a widescreen internet experience - instead of upright, which frightens you. You can adjust the text size and actually have the full width of a website fitting in the screen. All those conversations that need an answer from Google are finally solved! Google can be loaded up in a couple of seconds. It uses the same software/system to send an sms or mms as it does for an email. I run 4 different email address on my phone. It sends and receives email as often as you want. You can get it to check for email every hour, or every 5 minutes - whatever you want. This is the part where your friends will be mentioning a similair device to this phone called the Blackberry. Ignore them. These people bore you. They'll say something like "emails come immediately on the Blackberry". Well done, tool. Why don't you and your Blackberry go around the corner and wank off over each other. I think I would lose my mind if I was told the moment emails were sent to me. I couldn't think of anything worse.

Obviously you can create, open and email Word documents, Excel spreadsheets, Powerpoint documents etc. Even Zip files. There is a memory card slot which I put a 1 gigabyte memory card into and I store all of my files including Word/Excel documents, MP3's (which can even be set as your phone ring), some videos (the video quality is unreal) and photographs. The phone uses Windows Media player to play video/audio so you can use any video/image files you already have on your computer. Yes guys, that DOES mean that you can have a stash of porn videos on your phone at all times. Terribly handy.

Because it is like a computer, you don't have to be restricted by space (as you do with normal cellphones). So you can choose how far back you want it to save logs. So I can find a number I dialled at 10h00 in the morning 3 weeks ago. You'll be surprised how handy that turns out to be. Likewise with the speed dial. You can have as many as you want. Some of us need more than 10 speed dials, which is the number that most cellphone companies feel is enough for us. And yes, it also has a pretty damn good Voice Activated Dialling facility. So I just hold a button and say "Sphincter boy" and it immediately starts to dial A J Venter.

I haven't even mentioned the best thing about this puppy. You plug it into your laptop and any changes you have made to your Contacts or your Diary on your phone automatically synchronises with Microsoft Outlook on your laptop . And vice versa. So your phone will alert you about all of your appointments that you've made in Outlook. I think we agree that this makes a helluva a lot of sense. You can synchronise other things too, like your list of internet favourites, your notes, emails.

I know.

But wait for it, there's more.

Using the same lead to plug it in, your phone can become a modem for your laptop. That's what I am using right now to get on the internet on my laptop. So the phone becomes a wireless modem for your laptop. It's a bit ridiculous.

There are more things. There are hundreds of software titles for this little beauty (including games). I have software that keeps a three day live weather forecasts and exchange rates on my phone's front screen. I also have ftp software that uploads files from the phone to my website's server. That's what I use to upload a photo to the 'photo of the moment' section of this website. It's radical stuff.

Physically the size is great. I wouldn't want smaller as this screen is the perfect size. I have a spare Nokia with a 'dual sim card' inside it which I use if I REALLY need to use something smaller. Like when I wear my skin-tight red leather pant.

The phone is not for everyone. But if you use the things I've mentioned then you're going to love this thing. It's a bit pricey but worth every cent. It's no more expensive than the newest Nokias. It certainly is a justifiable business expense.

2oceansvibe are friends with the guys who are licensed to sell them. They have agreed to give a discount if you tell them that you came via 2oceansvibe.

Call SA EXPLORER
Speak to Justin or Claude
021 555 9842
Mention 2oceansvibe for a discount

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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Spotted outside boutique couture store in Chelsea village
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It is not often that we get sent TBG sightings from as far afield as Wynberg Chelsea. Spotted in a clothing store by Nick W, he noted the TBG's new sunglasses and chrome style helmet. He was said to have been "warm and friendly". Of course he was! God bless you TBG.

Rare TBG sighting in Wynberg Chelsea

Other TBG sightings

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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And cleanliness
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I thought I would have a quick chat about the current picture of the moment before it gets changed again. Here it is:

Clean

Wow! What a nice man. Look how clean and nice the man is. I took this pic at 08h20 this morning in Sea Point on my way to work. Apart from the birds on his lap, there were about 10 others on the pavement around him. He was clearly going through that moment we all go through as kids where we are totally knocked out that the birds aren't scared of us. Until our mothers see what is going on and verge on a nervous breakdown. Did you see his nice vest? I want to stress again how clean this man is. He has several 'flying rats' on his body and is sitting prone to the pavement. I see the clean man has a nice hairstyle and is also wearing a pair of, what I refer to as, 'pedophile spectacles' - an absolute MUST for up and coming pedophiles.

"Hello, Mr Clean! Can you look after my twin 9 year old daughters for 2 hours? I just have to nip down to the Waterfront to buy some things for the house. That is SO sweet of you! Are you SURE you don't mind?"

"Now you kids stay here with this clean man and play nicely with the birds. Remember to lick your hands after playing with the birds! And you can kiss Uncle Clean if he wants you to" .

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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Ex-Playboy model. Good work Colin!
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As we wait for the Farrell sex tape to surface for free on the internet, we thought we would do some research into the woman in the tape. It seems the person Colin gave a bloody good hiding was none other than ex Playboy 2002 Nicole Narain. What we've done is we've found her Playboy webpage and given you this link to take you there.

Nicole Narain built for Colin
 

CLICK HERE FOR PLAYBOY PROFILE

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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Our Irish friend comes to the party
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It's about time! A guy like Farrell must have mounds and mounds of sex tapes at home. He's probably got a video i-pod stuffed full with them. It was only a matter of time before one of them surfaced. So apologies to the girls, we don't have the actual video yet but you know we'll give it to you as soon as it surfaces.

Colin's friend seems to enjoy his company

Click here for the full story

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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On holiday inside her perfect body
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If Britney is the cheese then Jess certainly is the chalk. Here we see Jessica Alba murdering the beach. I mean she really is killing it. It's mass murder. Why did you have to pull out a bucket of napalm? She's bound to be charged for war crimes related to mass murder. Click the picture for a massive gallery of her beach frolicking. The guy she's with is obviously her brother or something.

Click here for massive Jessica Alba beach gallery

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
[permalink]

And insists on pointing downwards
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Many many moons ago we used to publish quite a lot about Britters. But then she let us down. She returned to the trailer and worked on her trailer chic image. We let her carry on. Go for it, Britters. Make love with other trash and reproduce trash. We turned a blind eye, knowing and hoping that she would return to her former glory. I'm thinking something from the 'slave' video.

I would like to point out that Britters has thus far NOT returned to her former glory and was seen in Vegas looking like this. As you can see she has chosen not to wear a bra. Personally I think we may have to have some work done as those puppies are looking at manholes.

Click for full size image

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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'Manna Epicure' Restaurant on Kloof, Cape Town
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Manna (Epicure) Restaurant on Kloof Street was the venue for our New Year's day headache. I had been to the establishment before, but only for half an hour. I looked forward to my next visit and was glad that the time had finally arrived. After an extravagant lavish New Year's night, I really wanted to follow through with a good solid New Year's day lunch. I visualised a number of bottles of wine and good food. I also wanted very badly for Manna Restaurant on Kloof to be the hidden gem I desperately need/ed in my restaurant repertoire. I did the odd drive by and was very much sold on the serene, crisp, fresh, white linen vibe that hits you as you drive past. All of the tables and chairs are white, the walls are white, the staff wear white and pretty much everything else is white. It's a nice vibe to go for and I'm sure they've had a few column centimeters thrown around, stating how clever it all is. Unfortunately they don't realise that the key to a slick vibe is to be slick all the time, even on New Year's day. If you're open on 1 January just to feed the community then please, open up a soup kitchen, or don't open at all. That said, the excuse "It was New Year's day" does not apply here. If I had known it was amateur hour I would have rather gone to the Woolworths 24 hour garage in Gardens and had an all-day-breakfast sandwich.

Manna Epicure on Kloof - All the makings...

My favourite game of walking deep into a restaurant and standing in the middle of nowhere until somebody realises that an actual human-being has walked in, kicked of the proceedings. We used our initiative and approached a table which was being cleared up by a poor man's Val Kilmer lookalike who couldn't see what he was doing because his eyeballs were stapled to a very sweet table of guys behind us. Kilmer's eyeball stapling also caused him to bring me the poor man's parma ham (they have another name for it), instead of my original request - salmon. I made use of the R90 screw top wine, hoping to dissolve the scene that was unfolding.

Val Kilmer - now working at Manna on Kloof

We discussed the merits of Manna employing models to compensate for the rather bland-looking clientele. Our conversation caused a temporary escape from reality and a subsequent realisation that the staff no longer knew that we existed. I asked our ginger haired manager if he could see us or whether this was perhaps the twilight zone. Acknowledging their error, he offered us compensation in the form of complimentary dessert. Because, let's face it, dessert is exactly what you feel like in 30 degree weather with a slight hangover on board. We forced down some cheesecake. Naturally the bill came with the desserts included.

There were a few more balls ups including incorrect drinks orders and the like but I'm not going into detail - I think we all get the point. Sometimes food is so good that people can forgive even the worst service. The food at Manna was great.... when it arrived (and after we were allowed to order it). Naturally, success/reputation can very easily breed complacency. I think we should keep in mind that there is a point where shit service surpasses amazing food.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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At the Armchair Theatre tonight
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The UK readers who watched GJM in London would agree that a talent like this is not to be missed. After a sojourn in London, Graham has returned to his beloved Cape Town and has decided to give a live gig tonight at the Armchair Theatre in Observatory, 135 Lower Main Road. Highly recommended. We'll be there..... with bells jangling.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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"A dream come true" for British tourist in Cape Town
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We were sent in a series of photographs from an Englishman on holiday in Cape Town. Johnny V from London had this to say, "When I came over to Cape Town on holiday, the last thing I expected to see was the TBG! Everyone I know in London knows about the TBG and would love to meet the enigma. Seeing sights such as Table Mountain and Robben Island is an absolute treat. But to meet the TBG is surely a once in a lifetime experience! Thanks for being so patient, TBG!"

Johnny V from London just 'mucking about' with the TBG
 

The TBG seems to enjoy the visitor

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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A well-deserved victory for the Cape Town lad.
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Happy new year, beautiful people of 2oceansvibe! There is much to discuss, and discuss we will. But before we do anything in 2006, we should pause and give an applause to the new Mr 2oceansvibe, Andy Fenner.

Andy has a rollercoaster year ahead of him

In a competition which is fought with such vivacity, it is a wonder that anyone makes it out alive. After over 1,000 votes, Andy pipped the scores by only a handful. Competition was tight with some contenders creating their very own marketing campaign, complete with their very own 'campaign managers'. Here we see the kind of stuff that was being touted around the "internet". This, for Andy's closest rival, Anton.

Anton's promotional campaign was not enough

Other punters went so far as to hunt down the TBG and get a picture with the great man - hoping this would boost their status. To no avail, the title belonged to Andy.

Jared, using the TBG to boost his status

Mr 2oceansvibe 2004, Pieter Dixon, was the first to be told of the news. He was contacted in the UK and had this to say: "Please send my congratulations to Andy. I watched him closely during the competition and knew he had it in him. Whether or not he can handle the pressures and spectacle that goes with the title is another story altogether. I'll admit, I am sad to be losing the title, but I'm glad it went to Andy. Good luck, pal".

Along with the prestige of carrying the title (title handshake photograph with Seth Rotherham still to come), Andy will also receive 5 cases of ice cold beer (sponsor to be announced). This, combined with the action he's bound to get should be enough to kick off his new year!

Congratulations Andy, we have the utmost faith in you and know you won't let us down.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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Road skiing takes off in Mouille Point
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I won't go into it too much, but what I will say is the sight of this beautiful man road-skiing almost caused an accident in Mouille Point. For me it's not JUST the fact that he is skiing with poles and skis with wheels on them, but he is ALSO wearing full skiing gear! It was a terribly hot day. I'd love to watch him doing ski jumping on Avenue Fresnaye.

Too beautiful
  

The beautiful man disappeared down the Mouille Point slopes

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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In a bizarre twist of fate
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What are the odds? Jared has been fortunate enough to spot the TBG (Tall Blonde Guy) whilst he jockeys for positions in this year's Mr 2oceansvibe competition. It's like a lottery win! As we know, meeting the TBG has been some people's dying wish; securing a place in the runnings for Mr 2oceansvibe is just as difficult. Yet here we have Jared who has done the double! You can count your lucky stars, Jared.

A very relaxed TBG

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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As 7-year rare Christmas/Sunday-night-cycle sets in
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On December 25 I made valuable use of the empty roads and, after toasting Jesus, packed my car and moved from Bantry Bay to Camps Bay. Grueling, but pleasantly safe from the festive joyous waves of nausea that have now, finally, reached their pinnacle. And, whaddaya know, it's fallen on a Sunday, Caprice's Mona Lisa.

Trying my hand at renting over season has moved me from the Bantry Bay townhouse to the Camps Bay apartment. The move is, amazingly, over. The Bantry Bay/Fresnaye argument that they are better off because Camps Bay gets all the wind, is being put to the test (more on that later).

Break on through to the other side

Un-edible empty shelves necessitated a visit to the Sea Point SuperSpar. Naturally, we are subjected to the usual suspects ignoring each other as they do a mid-peak-season scuttle for essentials. All at pains to enjoy their holiday without having to feign a smile, a chat, or a greeting. Let's just drop the act for these two weeks and ignore each other, you know, make it a REAL holiday.

All my brand specific household favourites had to be re-bought. Brand new bottles/jars of each. What joy. Where is the fucking Coleman's original Hot English fucking mustard, Super Spar? Are you sure about this? The brand, the logo, the taste, the tradition. Are you kidding me? That's like not stocking Coca-Cola! And thanks for bringing back O'Grady's after that bizarre three week 'ban on O'Grady's' you seem to have had. It seems their return kicked actual salt and pepper off the shelves. I shit you not. Unless they're hidden inside a tampon pack on aisle 3, Super Spar Sea Point do not stock salt and pepper.

I am yet to approach Camps Bay in the day time, preferring to use the top road to get around it. The closest I get to it is a quick trip to Bakoven's Beta Beach which allows an amusing tranquil escape. What I find 'amusing' is the fact that you're lying on a tiny (practically deserted) beach, which could easily be a scene from 'The Beach' and you're probably a mere 200 meters away from total and utter carnage. There's something quite fulfilling about that.

Tan on, we advanced towards Caprice, on Christmas, on a Sunday. Good Lord! It's true, anyone in Cape Town can be a rock star. Christmas obviously bestowed some new shades upon the faces of our pseudo rock stars. Armani has a good market share this season. Personally, I did a switch from the tortoise-shell Chanels (as seen on the King's Road in September) to the same shape, except in black. I'm happy with the results. The characters and pseudo-rock stars added to the absolutely ridiculous scene. (By the way, there is no better sight than a seemingly continental Armani clad rock-star/playboy doing his thing, only to see him the next day in his red Volkswagon Citi Golf).

So the word got around that apparently this was the first time in seven years that Christmas has fallen on a Sunday - Caprice's trademark night. People were talking about it like surfers might refer to a seven year storm which brings waves like never before. It's like something out of 'Point Break'. The result was absolute hysteria, complete with bar top dancing girls and total disregard for the effects of large quantities of gold tequila. The queue stretched around the corner as punters dealt with the gradual realisation that the sun would be down before they got in; and they would therefore not be able to sport their new Christmas sunglasses INSIDE the establishment. It's a cruel summer, kids.

Cappers

Camps Bay has a different view. It's a different taste. Granted, it IS more windy, but I am starting to see the beauty of it. To have first hand knowledge of how the beach is looking, is quite special. On the Bantry Bay/Fresnaye side, you still want to go to the beach. You still want to go to Camps Bay beach. Sure, there's Clifton, but if you're too lazy to walk down stairs and you want the convenience of shops and restaurants, the only choice in Camps Bay. But you don't know what the wind is doing. You get packed up for the beach, drive around the corner and it's too late - the beach is shit. So for true beach addicts, Camps Bay let's YOU decide on 'what the weather is doing'. The howling wind adds to the fun. The comforting smug knowledge that you have a commanding view of the Atlantic Ocean almost necessitates the wind.

I'm going to wrap it up now. More articles to come. My new vantage point is sure to inspire. We have a new Mr 2oceansvibe and the holiday season is only getting started. So many things to talk about. AJ Venter has declared war and 2oceansvibe was mentioned in Business Day (Will Di Data and Old Mutual continue to block their employees access to 2oceansvibe?). Stick around.

Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com
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