The Roofer thought it necessary to announce that "fuckall is happening at 2oceansvibe at the moment, hey?," as I headed back from a break with the folks in Franschhoek at La Petit Ferme.
(Stunning, by the way..)
I ummed and arred and declared that there had surely been at least one article every two or three days.
"MORE like every four or five days!" he guffawed. But that wasn't enough for our boy, who was quite clearly on a roll, of sorts. "If I see one more fucken picture of Camps Bay I'm gonna cotch on myself," he went on to say, colourfully.
Good heavens! What EXACTLY were we dealing with?
We will leave that question up to the gods as we publish this NEW picture, NOT of Camps Bay, in this NEW article on the 29th of December 2007, exactly THREE days since the last article (which came three days after the preceding article).
Franschhoek, ladies and gentlemen..
The hotel receptionist insisted on taking the picture
We (the Louis Vuitton tog bag, and I) had a cottage and pool to ourselves, as the Franschhoek valley soothed us with its unique tranquil, yet sexual charm.
Louis - very at home in a rural environment
The winelands rest was well received, and I returned to the Bantry Bay pad before lunchtime today, narrowly escaping being gobbled-up entirely by Victoria Road ('Route Mayhem').
It was after quite some time that I realised I was chewing on the heel of the sofa, like a dog. Trying to make sense of my bizarre behaviour, I realised that the neighbour (in his 60's, overweight, angry) had chosen TODAY to operate incredibly powerful industrial machinery at home. TODAY. December 29, a Saturday, at lunch time..
Surely not?
Even with a previous altercation suggesting hypocrisy in hand, I maturely resisted the urge to knock on his door and deliver my very own version of Tom Cruise's case-closer from A Few Good Men. But I couldn't just STOP the script NOW, without giving it a CHANCE. So I allowed myself further interaction, SHOULD he be OUTSIDE his house during my imminent stroll to Carlucci's and The Pharmacy for a can of Coke and a pack of Calmettes"respectively" (oh very smart!).
Calmettes - friend
The chances were slim.
Keen to give the script half a chance, I rolled a tight one and walked out the door. Destination Carlucci's.
Whaddaya know... THE GUY WAS OUTSIDE, CARRYING A POT PLANT!
I remembered my promise to myself and cleared my throat, delivering the intro to the scene, "Umm, excuse me hi there...."
"YES! how can I help you," he shouted, VERY AWARE that something like this could well occur, following his most recent offloading of shock and awe over Bantry Bay.
"Sorry to bother, I just wanted to ask if perhaps you've recently been operating very powerful machinery in your home?" I glanced at my watch. I was looking good. Very cool.
"Who cares. Why do you ask?" he attacked.
"No, look, it's nothing serious.. I just found it interesting that it was just the other day, thisweek, that you came outside to this road and scolded me for swearing." (I had been expressing myself to The P.A. in the road a few days earlier as she drove by to show me the busts of my head that required approval before their shipment to The East.)
It was at that exact moment that he realised the enormity of the killer blow I had just delivered. His Godawful wife/whore came to his shoulder during his ensuing verbal BARRAGE.
"I WILL DO WHAT I DAMN WELL PLEASE WITHIN THE LAW ON MY PROPERTY AND HOW DARE YOU AND THIS NEIGHBOURHOOD AND BY GOD AND NOTHING TO DO WITH FOUL LANGUAGE AND WHO DO YOU THINK YOU..." and thisss and thattt.
I remained silent, lit the joint and walked away..
It was so tragic.
It was also the end of the movie.
As the villain, he was a very good supporting actor.
But I had won.
Damnit, WE had won! You and I.
I walked on, looking straight ahead at the beautiful sexual buzz outside Carlucci's, perfectly playing out the final few seconds of the summer blockbuster.
His original fish-wife could be heard shrieking in the background, "Get a life!"
Coming to you via LIVE-streaming internet radio at 14h00 (SA TIME) [permalink]
The stars seem to have aligned as our regular live Thursday online radio show, The 2oceansvibe Show, HAPPENS to coincide with TBG Day - December 27! That is exactly why we will be celebrating TBG on air from 14h00 until 16h00 with the founder of TBG Day, Johnny Vaughan (The UK Showbiz Guy).
TBG Day - 27 December 2007
As a special part of the show, The UK Showbiz Guy has managed to get in touch with The TBG and has some sort of "special message" to deliver to us from the great man, LIVE ON AIR!
The UK Showbiz Guy
Has special message to deliver..from The TBG
I don't know what the message is about and I don't want to talk about it for much longer - I've only just changed into fresh shorts for the day and don't want to spoil them right now. All I can say is that it simply doesn't get bigger than this!
So join us tomorrow, 27 December, LIVE at 14h00, for this SPECIAL TBG Edition of The 2oceansvibe Show!
In the meantime, enjoy these pics of The Atlantic Seaboard, Boxing Day, 2007 - on the eve of TBG Day.
As we prepare to celebrate the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ [permalink]
To explain it would be to overdo it: Behold the 2007 festive season's seething mass, breathing waves of pleasure and enchantment into The Camps Bay Strip, as Cape Town continues to enthrall and amuse in a rhythmic romp of intoxicated euphoria.
Feel it inside you..
Touch yourself..
Well done, everyone, we're doing good....for now. We have made it thus far, unscathed. But it's only the 23rd. There is some way to go.. But never fear, the Gods of weather and time have put together a cunning schedule for us!
The last two days (Friday and Saturday) have been absolute beauties, with "the mercury" childishly seducing the early-30's - a proven catalyst for madness. Things were quite clearly out of control as we, through the haze of dry white, contemplated a woman with the largest pair of tits and the tightest ass, walking into Caprice with nothing but dental floss covering each breast. It was like a porn shoot! Her accessories included last season's Chanel bag and an incredibly plain looking, feeble-framed gentleman, who could only have been her gimp. Great viewing pleasure! Whilst MORE than welcome, I think it's fair to say that they weren't from these parts.
Quality stuff! Keep 'em coming, Jo'burg!
Back to what we were saying before; the bold, the beautiful, the wealthy and the plebs in between have been granted a season with no planning necessary - it all just seems to unfold in front of us. Perfect weather on Friday and Saturday ensured that we got hammered enough to necessitate a day of rest today - a Sunday - and that is exactly what I'm doing (albeit with a bottle of red and some fine pot). It's all wonderful timing.
The sun is also getting some rest as a thick cloud cover has embraced The Atlantic Seaboard today, allowing us some time to reflect (perhaps to include the realisation that we haven't bought Christmas presents yet and Christmas is...... on Tuesday. With Monday in between, it couldn't be more perfect).
Hmm, Christmas Shopping. Yes. Let's think about that for a second..
Tomorrow, Monday, is the 24th of December and, with the potential of rain,I reckon a couple of Calmettes and two hours at The Waterfront should do the trick. Having a scooter also removes 30% of the stress caused dealing with The Waterfront Seasonal Fuck Show. Jesus, I can only IMAGINE how intensely annoying the general public will be; a public peppered with norms sent to destroy me.
Each one a test..
They will NOT take me down..
I know what I'll do. Before I go, I will confuse my body by administering two Calmettes followed by a double cappuccino at Vida e - you know, just to add that video game feel to my shopping experience.
I'll be fine.
Tuesday will be Christmas and, with the folks in town, the warmth of family comfort, combined with the 27 degree weather, will add a natural calming effect to the rarely considered torment that comes with the expectations befalling a global sexual superstar. We will toast Christ Jesus and ponder the wise men and their mysterious gifts. The sun, the booze and the food will meet in the middle, creating a crescendo of hullabaloo, resulting in a moment of ecstasy where we will, as they say in the classics, ALL FALL DOWN.
There will be another day of rest after that, before we enter a bigger day of celebration on the 27th (at 27 degrees) featuring Mother Dearest's birthday, as well as TBG Day.
[A big welcome to The Big "H" from London - an integral part of TBG day]
23 December , 2007
ARNOLD CUMS DAY AND NIGHT
The Governer of California confirms that he is a slave to the orgasm [permalink]
This is something to behold. Filmed quite some time ago when Arnold Schwarzenegger was a professional body builder - the voiceover comes with a satisfaction guarantee.
For those of you that were in outer space yesterday, Britney Spears's 16-yeal-old sister, Jamie Lynn, has a bun in the oven. (This is when all the girls out there go "oh my GOD!" and the guys go "Jesus, that must have been sweet!").
They sold the story to OK Magazine for $1 million.
Our suspicions are confirmed..
Jamie Lynn Spears enjoys a bit of cock..
The lucky penis used to plant the seed inside her belongs to none other than 19-year-old Casey Aldridge! Funny, he doesn't look like Kevin Federline AT ALL!
Yeah! The Casemeister!
High-fives all round for Casey! Yeah! How did you do it, Case? Huh? Did you bone her like this? (as his mate bends over a classroom chair and mock-humps it from behind). Fuckin' "A" one, dude! (You can just imagine the scene at their school, or junior-high, or college, or whatever the fuck they call it).
Christmas must be just STUNNING over at the Spears household this year! Britters has lost custody of her kids to the equivalent of a junkyard mechanic and was, today, thrown out of ANOTHER hotel and told never to return. She has also cut all communication with her folks, so dinner time this year won't include any "aww fuck you momma, pass me the grits you whore" from Brit.
Brit, leaving the Four Seasons hotel with her Yorkshire Terrier.
I hope she is aware of the medical bills that can mount up..
Yorkies are known to have skin disorders - ask my mum
So most of the Christmas chatter will probably be about Jamie Lynn and the lucky little trailer-embryo inside her - what a LIFE that potential human has in store! I wonder if it's possible for that child to fall pregnant whilst still inside Jamie Lynn.... I wouldn't rule it out...
This all ties in very nicely with the recent "shock" news that, contrary to what Britney told us at the time, she was in fact NOT a virgin when she first hit the pop charts. No, no, she did even better than Jamie Lynn - she was boning at 14. (And there I was at the time, feeling bad about cracking off to Hit Me Baby One More Time with the CD sleeve unfolded in front of me).
Oh well.
Here's a recent pic of Jamie Lynn without Casey's dick inside her.
Yes you would
God it will be beautiful if that baby comes out black..
Yes, we know it was meant to be announced last Friday but, like, just chill out man... We're just chillin' here... having a cocktail.... rubbing cream into the beautiful babies....
But there could only be one winner and recipient of the grand prize - a summer dress from Blue Bay (check them out here). The winner was chosen randomly, so don't even TRY to entertain foul play (we got one of the little Cambodian kids living under my floorboards to choose the winner. They know nothing about Adam & Eve, Blue Bay, or fashion of any sort. All they know are things to do with poles and rubber bullets, and how much they hurt. They don't even speak english - the only words they know are "dance" and "shut up.")
Gather round. It is regarding Tuesday Tabs, The TBG and the Radio Show [permalink]
It's fair to say that we've been somewhat "haphazard" over the last couple of days. I felt it important to notify you of a few things.
Cape Town's season is here and the Atlantic Seaboard's gauge, Caprice, currently reads "OFF THE CHARTS." It's a SCHTOINKER this year and Cape Town is simply the only place to be. Movie stars, models, families, rock stars and Johannesburg are just a portion of the breathing drove that is Cape Town season.
Welcome, everybody.
There will be no 2oceansvibe Radio Show this week as we will need as much time as possible to work our show next week, 27 December which HAPPENS to be the annual TBG Day (click for last year's pics)! (As well as Seth's mum's birthday which is obviously the most important!x)........... A day to celebrate all that we have learnt thus far about the mighty three letter acronym.
TBG Day happens to be on a Thursday...
It's only right to celebrate on The 2oceansvibe Show..
It's looking like we will have The UK Showbiz Guy, Johnny Vaughan, in the studio as well. As founder of TBG Day, The UK Showbiz Guy has already made use of his all-powerful network, and has somehow managed to actually SPEAK to the TBG on the phone. I have been kept in the dark as to what was discussed, as The UK Showbiz Guy wants to keep it a secret. A message of sorts from The TBG?
Let's not get too excited just yet.
All I know is the next 2oceansvibe Show will be on December 27.
STARTING TIME WILL PROBABLY BE EARLIER.
TIME TO BE ANNOUNCED.
There is no Tuesday Tabs Today.
One wouldn't want to take from this important time of reflection.
I make various notes on my phone at night time during my sleep. You know those moments when you wake up and think of something brilliant that you want to remember? Something you want to write down because it seems just brilliant? Usually to do with making enough money to buy that desperately needed learjet, but also just things you want to remember to do - like trimming your pubes.
Sleeping beauty (absolute bitch - FACT) was too stoned to make notes
Then you realise you don't have a pen and as sure as fuck you're not going looking around the house (or boat, if you're reading this on Paul Allen's yacht, Octopus) at one in the morning. It really is a brilliant idea and you know it'll make a fortune. So you convince yourself that you will remember it and you say it over and over again in your head.
"Build a Woolworths in Camps Bay."
"Build a Woolworths in Camps Bay."
"Build a Woolworths in Camps Bay."
"Build a Woolworths in Camps Bay."
Then, in the morning, excitedly, you begin planning your new life as a billionaire. But you can't remember a fucking thing.
Absolutely NOTHING.
You're fucked.
Put on your tie - you're late.
Cock.
You see I don't do that - I keep a pen and paper next to my bed. And when I don't, I just use the voice recorder on my HTC TYTN II. It's one-touch. I just hold one button and it starts recording. (They should have mentioned this in The Secret, instead of focusing on ways to score chicks).
"Seth frequently forgets that he made a note in his sleep and usually stumbles upon it a few days later - often resulting in hilarious soundbites in time."
Say that last sentence in a Michael Mol (from Top Billing) voice.
The midnight voice notes can get quite bizarre at times - the requests to oneself (switching between first person and third person), as well as hearing yourself talk, half asleep and not remembering having done so. The notes are not always about money and can sometimes come as a shock. I went through a couple of old ones on my phone just now..
"Check if so-and-so is divorced yet - she'll be good on her second round, having realised her fuck up with freak boy."
"Buy generator."
"Ask The Roofer where your Beastie Boys 'License to ill' album is. He saw it last."
"Expose so-and-so for fraud."
"Make use of so-and-so in return for your silence."
"Do NOT sms her. She will sms you."
"Sell original hand-written lyrics for Lennon's "Woman'."
"Feed underage Cambodian kids stored under kitchen floorboards."
The list goes on, but then I got this one. I don't know where I got it from.
Find out about ringtones that only kids can hear.
It sounded intriguing, so I farted it into Google. And what amazing results I did find!
It seems that as one gets older, we suffer from an age-related hearing loss, called "Presbycusis." There are fairly well proven ranges of age that cannot hear certain frequencies. As you get older you lose the ability to hear certain frequencies and, as a result, there are frequencies that only kids can hear. A good one is a frequency set at 17 kHz. (Like you give a fuck - all you want to do at this stage is hear it).
Using a permanent outdoor speaker, this was first put to use by shop owners keen to reduce gatherings of kids loitering outside their shops (It's a high-pitch sound similar to the sound you get from the old TV tubes and causes considerable discomfort).
The next step was obvious..
A CELLPHONE RINGTONE THAT ADULTS CAN'T HEAR!
Brilliant! Apparently it can mostly only be heard by people under the age of 30. At 29, I was keen to hear it.
So I found the ringtone (marketed as the "Mosquito") on the "internet" and played it a few times. It wasn't working - something was obviously wrong with the file. Maybe it was "corrupt" (whatever geeks).
A mosquito during feeding time..
..happy - unaware of things like the internet, tea-bagging etc.
I played it a few times and struggled to entertain the idea of my not being able to hear it. I reluctantly called The P.A. to my office, asking her to "come and listen to something."
"Yes, what is that fucking noise?!" she screamed, as she moonwalked to my office. (We aren't allowed to walk normally at the 2oceansvibe HQ, everyone has to moonwalk. It's a rule).
I played it again, and again she felt it necessary to cuss - "Yes! What the fuck is that!"
I couldn't believe it and am still annoyed that I can't hear it. I thought I still had a year left! I had The Photographer round at my house and, at 34, he could hear it. Impressive - but definitely a one off. I tried 3 other 30 year olds and none of them could hear it.
ANYWAY, now YOU can ALSO play around with it. See if you can hear it and, if you can't, turn it up loud and see if anyone younger in your office (or yacht) can.
It's quite fun.
That's it. I got completely carried away back there and all I really wanted to do was get you to play this sound and fuck around with it.
Sorry about that. That's what happens when you drink whiskey with beer chasers on your own for 4 hours.
I'm still reeling from watching the full length video and think you should only watch this highlights package I found on your tube. It's the annual Bush Christmas Video featuring Barney, the Bush family dog - not to be confused with John Smit, who is also known as Barney. Whilst also seemingly cuddly, you'll find he is terror, rather than a terrier.
I know, I know. And I'm sorry! It's just been a fuck show today but we're getting it together.
Had a good dinner last night at Kitima in Hout Bay last night. It was TOO good. You know when something is TOO good? Like OVERLY good? Ja, that's what it was. It was fucking stunning - as was the company I kept. Go there. Enjoy it. Try get the leather chairs at the end of the bar. You can't book them (you can book normal tables which are cool) but if you fluke them... you're laughing.
So I'm having lunch at the moment with The Surfer. A sort of pre 2oceansvibe Show lunch. Just getting a little moist before the show.
Featuring Brown - it's too hot to handle.. [permalink]
Chris Tait is a good friend of 2oceansvibe and we've always been big fans of his band "tAIT". These guys are hot! We've featured them on 2oceansvibe in the past and we have good reason to do it again!
tAIT's newest offering, "She" is an awesome track which has hit Number 1 on 5FM, as well as the number 1 video on MK music TV channel.
It rocks! Check out the award winning video.
I was at Street Level records the other day with the unassuming rock star, to record the intro for The 2oceansvibe Show, when he played me a remix of the above song "She," which he did with rapper, Brown. I couldn't believe what I was listening to.
It is HOT, I tell you - HAVE A LISTEN HERE on tAIT's MySpace page. Now listen to this! They're having a REMIX LAUNCH PARTY next Wednesday, 19 December at Zula Sound Bar, Long Street at 21h30.
And dubs them "The Trollsen Twins" - Hairy-Kate and Trashley [permalink]
This is pretty out of control. PETA have gone to great lengths to mock and punish The Olsen Twins. They've just launched their new website:
They appear to be pissed off that the twins wear fur taken from real animals and they're not shy to go the extra mile and even feature a section where you, as the user, candress your own Trollsen Twin.
You can choose from the array of blood-dripping garments on the rack, and put them on either Hairy-Kate or Trashley.
There is just no end to the Britney Spears sex/drug addiction fuck show! This was taken last night somewhere in L.A. as she hopped out her car.
Shame, she's completely bonkers!
GO BRITNEY GO!
I love it! She's totally out of control with no family to guide her and no friends to warn her. Just a fuck load of money and a white-trash upbringing.
We are so multi-cultural over here at 2oceansvibe - so much so that this week's show will have a surfing theme. And, most importantly, the show will be featuring one of the 2oceansvibe characters, THE SURFER!
He's mondo, he's natural and he lives in the green room. Just quietly enjoy him:
The Surfer - Mondo
We're all too aware of the great following 2oceansvibe commands within the South African surfing community and we are happy to announce that we will be TAKING LIVE SURFING SKYPE PHONE CALLS ON AIR DURING THE SHOW.
So if you have VOICE and SOUND on your Skype connection, then feel free to get in touch to discuss whatever surfing topics are hot at the moment. I mean, what is Crayfish Factory like at the moment?
To be honest, it doesn't matter if you call in about surfing or not. We'll be so smashed it won't make a difference.
Please feel free to do the usual before the show, for when we get to question time with our boy:
All the usual will be featured on the show, including Playeuromillions competitions, news, booze, music, weed, weather, weekend highlights and general bullshit.
See you there - right HERE, in fact - Thursday at 15h30 SA Time.
It might come as a bit of shock to you when I tell you that this chick is actually white. You're probably used to surnames ending in "genyi" resulting in a more "mocha" skin colour. Well that is why I am here - to educate you.
Reka Ebergenyi is not from the Eastern Cape or anything, but actually from HUNGARY! It turns out they also have surnames with similar spelling to our traditional African names.
Click for NSFW pic. She is in TERRIBLY good nick!
Hungary indeed!
Interesting.
Funnily enough, we are yet to find a supermodel with the first name "Mavis."
Jan Smuts BA lounge cites "porn" as the problem [permalink]
I just received this from Brad S, following his recent attempt to get onto 2oceansvibe from the British Airways lounge at Jan Smuts Airport, Johannesburg.
Note where is says, "TYPE OF SITE = PORN"
Hilarious! I love these automated firewalls that call a site a "PORN SITE," purely because they spotted the words "cock" and "balls" somewhere on the front page.
I mean, REALLY!
And Tuesday Tabs simply CANNOT be classed as porn. It's more a treat than anything else.
I'll show you porn.... why don't you come round for a little spooning session at my place?
Please enjoy this pic of Donald Trump and his supermodel Eastern-Block wife, Melanie Knauss. Just look very closely at the two of them. Notice how they are challenging the camera.
As if to say, "You wanna piece of this? Huh? Yeah... you like that.."
Donald and Melania - hilarious
They simply HAVE to practice that at home. I love their teamwork - like a super hero couple. Check how she is looking through the camera, through your eyes and into your body. She is inside you. She will hold you there, frozen, whilst Donald cooks you like a microwave - using his frown, eyebrows and pout.
I'm enjoying the state that Lindsay Lohan is in. I don't really care too much about her, but this shot taken last week of her off to Koi restaurant in L.A., gives us a particularly cute Lindsay.
Some of you read earlier that I headed off to the new Chuckleberry's in Camps Bay with my G-Man, following an invitation for a free hamburger from the new establishment's manager. And what a fuckshow it was. We were turned away at the door as the guy told us something about the gas supply and that there were no more burgers. Ooh... that's a bit of a let down..
We went to Caprice and ordered two Burger Royale's which produced orgasms for both of us (G-Man had multiple). Why had we taken a chance and tried a burger from another establishment? Knowing FULL well that there is no better burger in Camps Bay than Caprice... Very silly indeed.
I should have known there was no such thing as a free lunch.
The weekend wasn't too hectique, but there was definitely something toxic in the air today. And it still just doesn't seem right. I've done everything right, however. I mean, The P.A. is back from leave, so that's all normal. The car got washed. I've had my Vida e coffee (and egg roll - mmm), but people are still trying to kill me. People are still phoning from private numb ers and people are still phoning about things that can VERY EASILY be sent via text message.
I'm off to try a burger at that new hamburger joint, Chuckleberry's, in that new development in Camps Bay, next to the soccer field. I ran into the manager earlier who promised me a free burger. Good thinking, Batman. I doubt it'll beat the Caprice burgers..
Our favourite online lottery, PlayEuroMillions has just announced this week's jackpot (which stops entries in 3 hours) is at EUR 28 million. At today's exchange rate that works out to under R300 million but, I mean, let's just call it R300 million! Pop that boodle in the bank and you'll have 300 before you wake up in the morning!
I've just bought five lines and, even if I don't win the jackpot (which I will) the "little" prizes you can get often pay for the entry tickets anyway. I'm not scared.
And neither are you! So do yourself a favour and lose the boss and the job in one click!
To use the word "unprecedented" when referring to new Japanese TV show concepts, would be naive - they've thought of pretty much everything - from the sublime to the downright preposterous.
As The Sunflower Fund and need for registration continues [permalink]
A couple months back I wrote about a Cassie Buchanan and her need for a bone marrow transplant. Given the rarity of finding a perfect match, I highlighted the need for people to go in and register, in the hope of finding a match.
A very close old friend of mine from school (all the way since junior school), Craig Banks, is the most recent case I have come across. "Banksie" has beaten cancer a number of times before and he is a living breathing example of smiling in the face of adversity. He punished it more than once and went on to get married and claim himself an Iron Man medal. He really makes me laugh when I see him - you'd never know what the guy has had to deal with (not referring to the marriage part!). Phenomenal.
But those little nymph nodes have reared their ugly little heads and are trying to test our boy again. No problem - he'll just punish another chemo session and move on to step two. Unfortunately step two requires a bone marrow match and transplant . This is the same situation Cassie was in.
And that is why, again, we are stressing the importance of getting registered, in the hope of finding a match.
This is the information from the South African Bone Marrow Registry on how to get it done.
- Contact their toll-free call centre between 09h00 and 16h00 Monday to Friday on 0800 12 10 82. They will help you out and let you know where to go.
- Tests are done by the Pathcare and Ampath labs in the Western Cape and by the SA National blood Service in Gauteng and KZN
- Registration take just two teaspoons of blood. They don't take shavings of your bones or anything! It's quick and painless.
- Those of you living outside of South Africa should check out www.bmdw.org - they have offices all over the world and have over 11 MILLION donors on their database!
It doesn't get much more advanced than that [permalink]
As you know, today's live streaming online show, The 2oceansvibe Show, will be featuring none other than The Dude!
Not only that, today's show will also be the first to allow LIVE SKYPE PHONE CALLS! That's right! LIVE ON AIR! That means that, when we "turn on the phone lines" during the show, any of you out there with a Skype connection and headset, can call us for a chat!
Our Skype name is "the2oceansvibeshow". Or just search for "2oceansvibe" and you'll find us.
Isn't that all just completely radical and amazing? Yes, it is!
Those of you out there who know about The Dude, will be particularly excited for today's show. For those of you who DON'T know who The Dude is, you're in for a mother fucking TREAT!
The Dude - sexual
Like his namesake from The Big Lebowski and with the motto, "Keep your vibe smooth" (with a hint of fresh Latino undertones), this mid-20's international man of leisure and love believes in nothing but good times and good vibes - right up 2oceansvibe's street!
Spending his time flittering between Cyprus, London and Cape Town, he is oblivious to the mayhem he leaves behind in his path. Having a magical wand that he uses on women of all nations, creeds and colours, his coolness breaks hearts and minds on both sides of the equator.
We are very blessed to have him for over an hour on Thursday's show. The Dude and I will be getting broken at Vida e in Camps Bay before the show and are certain to entertain, come 15h30 (SA time).
Please note that The Dude, in all his wisdom and coolness, has agreed to entertain any questions you may have regarding life and love. Got a problem with a new lady in your life? Send the questions through and we'll sort it out for you. Don't you worry about a thing. And that goes for guys and gals. You babes struggling to understand the vibes your man is sending out? Send it in to The Dude.
All the usual will be featured on the show, including Playeuromillions competitions, news, booze, music, weed, weather, weekend highlights and general bullshit.
See you there - right HERE, in fact - Thursday at 15h30 SA Time.
UPDATE: WE HAVE FIXED THE SOUND PROBLEM AND THE MUSIC WILL COME THROUGH A LOT LOUDER NOW. WE HAVE ACQUIRED A "MIXER" - WHOOHOO!
Being the star of the TV series "24", I find it fucking childish that the judge didn't give Kiefer Sutherland 24 days in jail. I mean, how could he resist! It's so OBVIOUS!
But nooo! The judge had to be all serious and shit, and give him 48 days.
It's competition time, friends! South Africa's first and foremost online clothes shopping website, Adam & Eve (www.adamandeve.co.za) is THROWING it around at the moment!
In an EXCLUSIVE competition with 2oceansvibe, ONE lucky reader will win one of these STUNNING summer dresses from every Cape Town girl's best kept secret, Blue Bay - one of the brands featured on Adam & Eve.
Adam & Eve is the brainchild of Frankie Fleck, better half of ex-Springbok and previous 2oceansvibe Show guest, Robbie Fleck - and she has done a magnificent job.
And you wondered where Robbie Fleck got his cool smooth sense of style..
This competition is OBVIOUSLY for the girls, but also for the smart boys out there - should they wish to stack up points in return for sexual favours from their girlfriends/lovers. And trust me, you'll get PLENCH! Chicks dig this stuff.
(Let alone that naughty little jump suit effort at the end!)..
...you'll be the BELLE OF THE BALL!
Ok, so to stand in line to WIN one of the above featured garments, all you have to do is the following: Go to the Adam & Eve website - www.adamandeve.co.za and then tell ushow many DIFFERENT CLOTHING BRANDS are available on the website.
Paris Hilton's ex-friend and fellow slut, Kim Kardashian, posed for Playboy a few weeks back. I've had the pics since then but couldn't get into character until now.
There were other pics but there's no need to repeat the same tab and goen shots over and over. I also didn't want to frighten you with the other pics, which featured her incredibly massive ass.
Well it had to come to South Africa, didn't it? I mean, it makes sense - cheap pet health insurance for your dog or cat! In South Africa. Why didn't YOU think of that?
How about a warm round of applause for South Africa's premier veterinary pet health insurance company - Medipet.
See what they did there with that paw and the 'i'..
..nice.
Ever since these guys have hit the scene, I've found myself in some high level talks with some very low level people, about the validity of pet health insurance in South Africa. This stuff is MASSIVE in the UK and I am intrigued as to why the idea might sound crazy to some people. But then I find out that it is mostly people who have never had a pet. And I've had pets, people. I've had many pets.
Mostly my Mother's pets.
Let me tell you something.. I've been talking about the dire need for pet health insurance ever since our (my Mother's) SECOND Yorkshire Terrier, Meggy, developed a rare skin disorder. It is only right that an only child surrounded by 1,000 antique porcelain dolls and dolls-houses, should be subject to the development of a rare Yorkshire Terrier skin disorder. A skin disorder that reached such staggering proportions, that my mother was, at one stage, seen signing cheques in the tens of thousands of Rands - as samples of Meggy's fucking skin and DNA (ARE YOU LISTENING TO THIS!!!?) were medically couriered (REFRIDGERATED) to the United States of America for ANALYSES by some of the world's top animal skin scientists!
I swear to God.
A Yorkshire Terrier - similar to Meggy.
And what a beautiful coat.
Naturally, this was all QUITE a surprise for all of us, knowing that Meggy was sired by Duke Remington - a famous "Yorkie", bred by one of South Africa's most well-known breeders. I mean, Meggy's mother was none other than "Dynamite!" - a FAMOUS local Yorkshire Terrier who used to bounce on her hind legs when her master cried the words, "DANCE, DINAH, DANCE!"
Dynamite obviously belonged to my grandmother...
I got carried away a little there, but at least now I've written it down - because I'm tired of telling people how expensive animals can get. But you love them so much you don't even realise that R20,000 has gone and you've got nothing to show for it but another vet bill. Animals are expensive things my friends - and if I had a pet right now, I would have pet insurance. And if you have a pet any bigger than a canary, you'd be a fool not to have any pet insurance. It's not a lot of money..
These guys charge around the R100 mark per month (you can apply online) for pet insurance that covers virtually everything up to R25,000 - including some things you didn't even think about - like if your dog eats someone else's child..
Medipet's pet health insurance covers accidental injuries, ANY illnesses, operations, dog fight lacerations, gastric torsion (nice), tumour removals, hip replacements and more.
These guys even put in money for kennels, reward advertisements and prescriptions diets. I'm serious, check out their rates and benefits at Medipet's website.
With previous guests including Rob Fleck, Bob Skinstad and The Fabrics Guy, one couldn't imagine it possible for us to find any bigger names. But that's EXACTLY what we did!
Ladies and gentlemen.... this week we are featuring one of The 2oceansvibe Show's most SEXUAL guests - THE DUDE!
I know! It's CRAZY!
Those of you out there who know about The Dude, will be particularly excited for Thursday's show. For those of you who DON'T know who The Dude is, you're in for a mother fucking TREAT!
The Dude - sexual
Like his namesake from The Big Lebowski and with the motto, "Keep your vibe smooth" (with a hint of fresh Latino undertones), this mid-20's international man of leisure and love believes in nothing but good times and good vibes - right up 2oceansvibe's street!
Spending his time flittering between Cyprus, London and Cape Town, he is oblivious to the mayhem he leaves behind in his path. Having a magical wand that he uses on women of all nations, creeds and colours, his coolness breaks hearts and minds on both sides of the equator.
We are very blessed to have him for over an hour on Thursday's show. The Dude and I will be getting broken at Vida e in Camps Bay before the show and are certain to entertain, come 15h30 (SA time).
Please note that The Dude, in all his wisdom and coolness, has agreed to entertain any questions you may have regarding life and love. Got a problem with a new lady in your life? Send the questions through and we'll sort it out for you. Don't you worry about a thing. And that goes for guys and gals. You babes struggling to understand the vibes your man is sending out? Send it in to The Dude.
All the usual will be featured on the show, including Playeuromillions competitions, news, booze, music, weed, weather, weekend highlights and general bullshit.
See you there - right HERE, in fact - Thursday at 15h30 SA Time.
UPDATE: WE HAVE FIXED THE SOUND PROBLEM AND THE MUSIC WILL COME THROUGH A LOT LOUDER NOW. WE HAVE ACQUIRED A "MIXER" - WHOOHOO!
It's a classic concept and was made famous by Quentin Tarantino - claiming that the movie Top Gun had an underlying gay theme. Enjoy this little clip where he explains it all - quite clearly at that!
The show went well yesterday with The Outside Centre. He arrived late but quickly made up for it with his sharp wit and incredible hairstyle.
The Outside Centre - having the best time of his life
Those of you who have been tuning into The 2oceansvibe Show will be pleased to know that I have acquired a "mixer" and from next week's show (Thursdays 15h30 SA Time), you will no longer struggle to hear the sweet music we have been playing for you on the show. It used to be very faint, but no longer will you suffer. The likes of Laura Branigan and Murray Head will now be coming to you at full volume!
[light clap]
Mavis has been particularly testy of late and her interest in me is now bordering on obsessive. She has started making up very poor reasons to talk and interact with me. I don't know WHAT has brought this on but it needs to stop. She was put on invisible mode the other day for being late. This means that I can't see her. She has to be on red alert as to where and what I am doing - this allows her time to get out of the way if I start walking directly towards her. Now off "invisible mode," she is pretending that everything between us is awesome - often (as I said earlier) making up bullshit reasons to interact with me.
Last MONTH Mavis won about seven grand in the fucking lottery which peeved me no end. She gave me the winning ticket as she didn't know what the process was to claim her winnings. I didn't fucking know, so I gave it to The P.A. to see what could be done. The P.A. naturally sorted it all out and gave Mavis the money. Now that was AGES ago...
Then, SUDDENLY, TODAY, Mavis taps on my car window as I am reversing out of the garage.
Christ Almighty.... (I wound down the window)
"YES, Mavis?"
"I just wanted to say thank you for the ticket"
"What?"
"The ticket"
"The TICKET? What the fuck are you talking about, Mavis? Do you mean 'TIK'?, because that is what is coming to mind at the moment"
"No, the TICKET. With the money."
"The ticket WITH THE MONEY??!?!? Ohhh! The lottery ticket?"
"Yes. Thank you!"
"Ok. Cool. Whatever."
"Can I buy you a box of chocolates to say thank you?" she asks.
I can imagine some of you are going "aaah sweet" now, but if you hung around you would KNOW she is making this WHOLE thing up.
"No, thank you, Mavis. That is a kind gesture but not necessary. You should rather keep that to buy some more Rothmans"
She coughed and spluttered for a second as I raised the tinted window a little higher so that she could just see my sunglasses.
"I must stop smoking," she decided to add."
"Big time!" I told her, as I wound the window up and put on Senza Una Donna, by Zucchero and Paul Young.
QUITE bizarre, the whole thing.
Anyway, this story was going to be about something completely different but it just seemed to go this way.
I need to get into character before I go to Caprice and then Asoka.
I'll leave you with the aforementioned song. The Personal Jukebox, Sox, has promised to start playing it. It's quite nice to chill to.
Or to make love to.
Or even, just on your own - making love to yourself.
One of my faves, Christina Aguilera is on the new Marie Claire cover overseas somewhere, showing her very pronounced bump. MUCH excitement for all you girls out there!
Have a little child.
It's fine.
Nail that guy down.
Then her will never leave you! And if he does, you'll fucking CLEAN him for maintenance money. You win either way!
Go go go!
Nice, Christina. Very nice, my baby. I'm sure the girls enjoyed those pics.
And so, for the boys, here is another naughty little pic that we must keep to ourselves. Oregan Hoskins has got NOTHING to hide.
This whole "global warming" thing that Al Gore planned seems to be doing the trick. You may have read about the floods along the coast - well here are some naked pics taken in Plett / Sedgefield, sent in by Jase showing Gore's success.
I know....I know - I was just as shocked as you were but yes, we have acquired a shot of Gisele for Tuesday Tabs. I won't ramble on too much here because it is 10 to five on Tuesday arvee and I want the desk robots out their to get their Tuesday fix, before they clock out for the day.
Enjoy it. It looks like Tuesday Tabs might have an extra Tuesday TREAT for you if you click nicely.
Featuring The Outside Centre - Robbie Fleck [permalink]
And we cruise, quite effortlessly, into the THIRD live online radio broadcast of The 2oceansvibe Show.
This week the show's electric guest list continues to please, as we bring you The Outside Centre - as we gain more insight into The 2oceansvibe Characters and what makes them so sexual.
The James Hunt of South African rugby gave us a glorious spell of magic and mayhem during a rugby career that ran over the turn of the century. A solid, powerful performer who went nothing short of full-steam-ahead.
"Rob Fleck will fucking drop that guy"
Passionate, controversial, silver-haired - let's find out a little more about Robbie Fleck.
Send in your questions to editor@2oceansvibe.com and I'll break 'em down for you. (subject: The Outside Centre)
Text messages DURING THE SHOW can be sent to +27 76 907 3679
The show is LIVE right here on 2oceansvibe on Thursday 15h30
(SA TIME).
Just come back at that time and click the yellow banner in the left menu which, funnily enough, says "2OCEANSVIBE SHOW."
As he ramps a traffic island in Goodwood at 9am on a Monday [permalink]
Words fail me. But I'll try..
Former ANC Chief Whip, Tony Yengeni, was caught drunk-driving yesterday morning at 9am in Goodwood. As we know, cops can't just pull over anyone they feel like. There is a process they follow and it needs to be carried out to the letter, beginning with suspicion. There must be cause for suspicion. I don't know them all, but I know that going through a red light would constitute a valid reason to pull someone over. But today we have learnt another.
It seems that RAMPING A TRAFFIC ISLAND is also cause for concern, and it was this very reason that local cops decided to pull over Tony Yengeni.
They were right on the money, as our boy apparently REEKED of alcohol! He was taken for tests and released on R500 bail.
Yengeni simply MUST have been at Caprice, as I can't imagine where else someone could party THAT hard to still be pissed at 9 in the morning on a Monday! Only Caprice rocks that hard on a Sunday night. He obviously went from Cappers in his black BMW (racist?) STRAIGHT to Grand West casino in Goodwood and then on to his final stop on the traffic island.
A dramatisation of the events that unfolded
It should be mentioned that Tone is currently out on parole for a previous fraud conviction involving a Mercedes-Benz and a big bag of lies. (Umm, that was when he slaughtered that cow, which ended up on the front pages). His parole conditions include his "not being allowed liquor or drugs - except those prescribed by a doctor - until September next year." It is for this very reason that he told the arresting officers that he had taken "flu medication."
WHAAAH! Good one, Tony! That'll work. I'm surprised no-one else uses that one to get off the hook - it's brilliant! And there I was using the old excuse of the magic dragon that flew along the highway next to me and spat tequila into my car's air vents!
I love the way he cannot use any drugs "except those prescribed by a doctor" UNTIL September next year! So any LSD, acid or coke will have to wait for a few months!
thanks simon
Seth Rotherham
Editor
2oceansvibe.com [permalink]
SUMMER OF LOVE AT THE CAMPS BAY CASTLE
Champagne and all things enchanting and sexual [permalink]
It's on windy days like today that she flies so beautifully. She comes alive in the wind. Flapping so freely.......dancing, child-like, with enchanted delight. Ah yes, the pirate flag atop the Camps Bay Castle is synonymous with the life of fun and pleasure.
Look at her go
Whilst our skull-and-crossbones wielding cousins on the high seas have gained a reputation of violence , theft and danger - our intentions are quite amiable. Rascals we may be, but certainly with no ill-intentions unbecoming of men of stature.
A neighbour asked for the flag to be removed the one weekend, because she was hosting a dinner party at her house. She didn't want her friends to think that she lived near to pirates! Don't worry, my darling - you know that we aren't REALLY pirates, don't you?
Ladies and gentleman. Welcome to the summer of love at The Camps Bay Castle. Situated just below the house that looks like a wedding cake, there is no mistaking its glory and energy radiating from within.
God, she is glorious!
Magic and mystery, love and desire..
When discussing The Castle with other members of the general public, you will find yourself running into people claiming they are aware of it. Remind them it is the one with the pirate flag. They will carry on a bit about the one they "saw in the paypah" and the fact that it is in "The Glen" and is "on the market." That is when you casually reply, "Oh no it's not that one. That one is.... a castle......... a castle for poofters!"
THE Castle is very different. You'll find all other wannabe "castles" lacking the kind of lifestyle befitting a couple of Lords, welcoming the summer from the bastion of bachelordom. A place where the combined smell of champagne and Piz Buin fills the air, forming a magical wanton mix of excitement and allure. A place where hip-hop on the iPod flows seamlessly into country on vinyal and Mozart slips into Elvis in the blink of an eye. A haven of colourful beach towels, hammocks, splashing water and blow-up beach balls. Play nicely, angels.
The Kitesurfer..
..dealing with bigger issues than you could comprehend
Fair maidens are urged to succumb to the enticing feast of sumptuousness. Your champagne wishes will come true, as you prepare fabulous over-sized salads with Danish feta, rocket (Whoops! You smashed your glass! I'll get you another one - hah hah hah!) and ancient parmesan; whilst the Lords of the Manor discuss money and power over whiskey and beer - constantly praising your attention to detail and your sweet.......sweet smile. Just don't misbehave - unless it's a hiding you're after..
Mmm.... it's so nice..
And don't panic if time seems to slip away, and night becomes near - for there are fires to be lit and blankets to be worn. You just sit over there, darling, and enjoy the international fashion magazines (we simply have to get you that handbag!) peppered with Hello!'s and Vanity Fairs. You deserve it, gorgeous..... after all....you played so nicely today..
Finally! The ultimate Cape Town handyman! Grab a pen... [permalink]
I thought I had found the perfect "tame" Cape Town handyman. He was not very different to the naked guy on the beach in Along Came Polly. He was very foreign, had a pony tail and was nothing short of "steamy." He did everything from painting my house to tiling my deck - everything was going great!
That was until he charged R350 to lead a wire along the wall from the TV in my office to the plug socket. R350! To secure a wire to the skirting board! Like I was some sort of a fool. Like I had never touched wire before. Like I didn't know how to hit a hammer against the small nail that secures those little plastic clips around the wire onto the skirting board. Like I couldn't calculate out how much work was involved. I told him to go fuck himself and buried my head in my hands, wondering if people will ever stop fucking people over.
That was before I was put in touch with HomeFixers.
HomeFixers - Thank God
One of the partners is a good friend of mine and his timing couldn't have been any better. He understood that I wouldn't comment until I had taken them through their paces...
Since then The P.A. has called these guys for every job, big and small. Their first job was replacing virtually every light bulbin the Bantry Bay house. That was the job. Nothing else. They came to check the bulbs, went to BUY the bulbs, then came back and put them in! I'm FINE with that! It cost virtually nothing and took them no time.
Then they rewired the "new" stove at The Castle. (You might remember when The Kitesurfer decided to half-install the stove the other day, at 7pm - dinner time). This rewiring process included breaking into the garage which was locked from the inside. No problem whatsoever. That was after we realised the electric board wasn't in another room which was locked - which resulted in them getting someone else to BUY and BRING one of those door keys that have a code written on them, so we could get into the room in the first place. Hectique!
These guys are out of control! And yes, I have had them at The Safe House. They planed down the front door (which mysteriously decided to grow), turned up the geyser, and even installed a little digital safe I bought to store the multitude of raw uncut blood diamonds I keep with me at all times. That, and Lennon's original hand written lyrics for Woman.
There seems to be no limit to what they can do. Here are some other things I found out they can do:
That's pretty much EVERYTHING!
Their pricing system is EXTREMELY fair, charging for time, not bullshit - producing a beautiful well-structured invoice every time. And these boys work FAST. None of the work they have done for me has taken longer than an hour. Check out their rates here. They even have special deals for a full day's work.
Possibly THE most bizarre thing to happen to me in my life [permalink]
After a wonderful night at Caprice, following their ever successful Caprice Volleyball Day, we were treated to another pearler from our Lord Jesus Christ in the form of today's perfect day (late 20's, no cloud, no wind. Very sexual).
I packed the perfect beach bag and took Libby (my scooter) down to The Strip to grab a princess wrap from Kauai (it was obviously the princess wrap. It's not like they sell anything else). Camps Bay frightened me a bit so I decided to stick to last Sunday's plan and pump a bit of Beta Beach. God it was glorious.
Touch yourself
Everything was just too gorgeous for words. The iPod was throwing out some crackers, as I tossed my Sunday Times into the air along with the Vanity Fair - allowing them both to open in mid-air and fall on top of me untidily. I breathed in the air. The smell of the newspaper, combined with the Vanity Fair and the Piz Buin was incredibly sexual. I had a little tweaker and got into the Beta Beach zone - the zone where hardly a word is spoken and everyone on that beach is thanking God that we have places like this. Where we chill the fuck out without having to worry about a SINGLE THING. It's the one place in Cape Town where you don't HAVE TO do the big fake hello and standard 2 minutes bullshit catch-up. If you recognise someone on Beta, a little nod is MORE than enough. We all came here together to escape. Everything.
It was interesting to note that God and Satan chose Beta Beach as the battleground for today's classic good vs evil clash - as God's beautiful setting was infiltrated by one of Satan's FINEST. Possibly his worst yet.
A peculiarly plain looking man in his late 40's / early 50's entered the scene, stage right.
I began The Lord's Prayer in my mind, hoping he wouldn't set up shop in the BARELY available space between the rocks about 5 meters away from me. I had clearly forgotten some of the words, as our boy flicked open one of those canvas camper chairs. Pretty tame, I thought to myself, watching him erect an umbrella in between his cluster of rocks. That's when he started whistling. I looked up, startled. Not because someone was whistling so loud that it could be heard OVER Sade's Your Love is King playing on my iPod (making full use of our new acquisition, The Bose In-Ear headphones) - it was in response to the surely impossible prospect of this little man being a little man WITH DOGS. On Beta Beach.
Nice dog.
I decided that, although UNHEARD OF on Beta Beach, these dogs are obviously the kind that just sit still and don't bother anyone. It'll be fine. I returned to my secret little world, closed my eyes and floated away.
That was until I felt a wet nose in my face. I opened my eyes and realised my worst fears had come true. The man's revolting, smelly dog was on the loose. Its disgusting snout was now INSIDE my bag, having a go at the crisps I bought from Woolies.
"Ah for fuck sakes," I exclaimed, sitting up to see where the dog's owner had disappeared to. Alarmingly, our boy had not escaped to ANYWHERE. He was EXACTLY where he was before, very relaxed, LOOKING at me and the dog - as though NOTHING was going on.
"Your dog, bru!" I pleaded to the man, pushing the WET mutt away from me, appalled by what was transpiring. I looked at him, expecting him to apologise, or jump up and get his dog and, hopefully, get the fuck off the beach. He didn't move a muscle. But he did respond:
"Come on, man, she's 16 years old," was his retort.
I was stunned.
She is 16 years old...
He went on to say that if I had a problem I should "call the cops."
Oh dear..... WHAT are we dealing with here?
He didn't quite get it. The dog's AGE was irrelevant. I mean, I fucking love dogs but there's a time and place for everything. It just wasn't about that. This wasn't a case of anyone hating dogs or being scared of the dog or ANYTHING else - this was a case of the dog BOTHERING people. I don't give a fuck if the dog has won a Pulitzer Prize and is a direct descendent of The Queen's Corgi's - that's not what it's about.
I explained this to the man, but he just shook his head. I got into the Sunday Times in an attempt to forget what was going on around me. A friend of mine and her boyfriend were also a few meters away and a few minutes later I looked up and spotted the guy pushing the very same dog away from him, disgusted. The dog scuttled away, with something in its mouth, a roll of sorts which had been acquired from the gentleman's packet of goodies next to him.
"You just don't get it, do you?" I asked the evil man who was, AGAIN, simply watching the events unfold. Again he told me the dog was 16 years old. It was too much for me and I informed the man of his unfathomable levels of selfishness and how he was single-handedly ruining everyone's day. I told him that it was PERFECTLY fine for him to take his dogs to Camps Bay beach or Llandudno beach, but people came to this beach to ESCAPE that kind of shit.
"Ooooh, CAMPS BAAAY," he replied in a mocking voice. The kind of overly-posh, larney voice people from Jo'burg put on to tease people from Cape Town. I looked around at my fellow beach-goers, who were shaking their heads in unison. This guy had some serious issues. I have no doubt that he still lives with his mother.
"You're a weirdo," I informed him.
"You should consider rehab," was his outstanding retort.
"You should consider wiping that secret 3 gig folder off your computer before the police get you!" I said.
He seemed miffed and went for a dip. I didn't know what to do. He simply couldn't grasp what was going on. He didn't understand that there was a time and place for dogs and a wet dog nose in one's face was NOT something one has to deal with on this beach. There was only one thing I could think of to let him understand the intrusion. I turned my camera's volume on full and started taking photographs of him.
"Stop taking photographs of me," he said.
"But how else are you going to understand the intrusion you are causing for the rest of us?" I asked.
"What are you going to do with those those photographs?" he replied.
"I'm probably going to take them home and wank over them," I said.
"That's what I thought," said the guy.
A minute passed and, unhappy with the result, I said, quite loudly, "Or MAYBE I'm going to put them on the internet so that everyone can see what people like you look like"
His chest began to heave as he tried, unsuccessfully, to suppress the anger building up inside his weak frame. 10 seconds later he JUMPED UP and began dismantling his umbrella.
Then, without warning, HE CAME AT ME WITH THE BOTTOM PART OF THE UMBRELLA!
"GIVE ME THAT CAMERA!!" he screamed, hysterically - charging at me with the umbrella pole.
I didn't move a muscle. It was simply impossible that he would hit me, on the beach, with an umbrella. It wasn't going to happen. It COULDN'T happen. The day just couldn't get any crazier. And anyway, who hits someone else with an umbrella pole when the person isn't even defending himself?
That was when the guy gave a FULL WIND UP and hit me across my legs and shins with the umbrella pole - bending it over 45 degrees. I COULDN'T BELIEVE WHAT HAD JUST HAPPENED!
"Jesus Christ, bru," I shouted, jumping up, with the pole now in my hand.
"Wipe those pictures off that camera right now," he screamed, fetching the top part of the umbrella. He had the umbrella in his one hand and had also released the PEN he had from his shorts, and was holding it in his other hand - like one would a knife.
The pen - can be used as a sword.
I told the man to put the umbrella down and calm the fuck down. I said I would erase the pictures. Everyone sat down.
I fiddled with the camera as I packed up my things. I couldn't imagine myself staying there much longer.
"There, it's done. The pictures are gone. Do you want to see?" I asked the demented freak show.
"No, I'll take your word for it," he said.
Well, he shouldn't have, because there was no way in hell I wasn't going to keep those pictures for you to see.
Can you believe it?
This is the result of the attack. People have mentioned pressing charges against the guy but I mean, really, do YOU have the time to press charges against someone who's only defense for his dog sniffing faces and stealing food, is that the dog is 16?
No, you don't. These people are best avoided.
Substantial bruising..
Including very unnecessary glimpse of bum
Tennis ball swelling on left shin.
Not ideal.
Otherwise the weekend went very well.
How was yours?
(Monya, I hope you enjoyed that Sunday beach entertainment.)
"My old camera "fell off a cliff" the other day. I can't remember exactly what happened - I think I blacked out at the same time. The camera is gone. It doesn't matter if it can be repaired or not - it is GONE."
The Insurance Broker enjoyed the story and confirmed my claim had been approved to a maximum of R3,400. What with the price of spools these days I decided to go with one of these new "digital" cameras (like that's gonna take off!). I was quite set on getting one from the Canon range.
I went into that electronics store at the Waterfront. I think it's called Audio Vision. The one where the staff possess the efficiency of an Italian at 15h00. Using the Melissa's Deli pricing technique, Canon cameras started at pretty close to R2.5million. Pushing it a bit. It normally wouldn't be THAT big a deal, but I wanted to get the most out of my claim.
A little birdie told me about something called My Kinda Prices. Look, it wasn't really a little bird, it was actually a falcon. But you can't exactly say that a bird of prey told you something. It's very rare for that to occur. Falcons generally don't have time for gossip, they're too busy out there, in the sky, swooping and dive-bombing small rodents and just looking awesome and stunning.
"Hello animal friend!"
"Hi there!"
"Say, what kind of an animal are you?"
"I'm a FALCON!"
"Christ! That is fucking HARD CORE!"
"I know......Thanks."
"Can I get your autograph?"
"Sure! There you go."
"Fuck that is awesome! Thanks, Falcon!"
"Anytime. Thanks for the support"
So anyway, this falcon tells me about www.mykindaprices.com and tells me it is one of those price comparison site. "They're all the same," I told him, remembering I had featured one on 2oceansvibe in the past. It was a good site and worked well - but there wasn't anything sexual about it. I listened to him a little longer and realised this one was VERY different to the others. I jumped onto my internet jet-ski and tootled down to www.mykindaprices.com
Wow! is all I can say. Not only does it compare prices in South Africa, enjoy this - it ALSO SHOWS PRICES OVERSEAS, like in the UK - featuring retailers who's websites allow for overseas shipping. Do you know how often things are cheaper overseas? Exactly. So I was pretty impressed with that. You even get things that aren't really available here. Like the new Apple iPhone (unlocked!).
But then I realised the thing that sets this site in another league. It's the RANGE of things it covers. Jeepers Hudders! It's not just about electronics and braai equipment - these guys even have perfumes, sunglasses, toys and... wait for it.... what you've been waiting a long time for - LIVE PRICE COMPARISONS FOR FLIGHTS AND CAR HIRE!Check this out:
How cool is that? Now you don't have to waste time going to each carrier's individual website! No surprise that Nationwide is the cheapest quote there. I mean, you can't exactly charge full price when your planes only have one engine.
The response to LALESSO's cheeky little shorts featured in an earlier article, was nothing short of RADICAL! It is for this reason AND the fact that I just love LALESSO's shorts and bikini's and vibe, that I think it important to tell you about their sale they are currently having.
YES! YES!
MORE! MORE!
Yip, those are the shorts we chatted about last time. Aren't they just the shit? Please GO TO THE SALE URGENTLY and get those shorts, my little angels. Please, for Daddy!
Oh but wait, there is MORE! I also found out that PRICES START AT R10 AND WITH EVERY PURCHASE YOU GET A FREE BIKINI! (while stocks last)
That's right! You heard me - FREE fucking bikinis!
God, I love bikinis! In fact, I think I love laLesso. I want laLesso inside me.
Have a look at this.
For those of you who know your stuff, they're even selling Topshop stock and the new 2008 range. If you're a guy and you're clever, you'll be there too. It's too easy - snap up some Christmas prezzies and summer clothing for your angel and you mom at wholesale prices! You'll be a hero!
God, what a wonderful concept! What a wonderful day!
Here are the details:
The sale is on FRIDAY
From 12h00 to 18h00
112 Buitengracht St
411 The Studios (opp. Heritage sq. Just before FTV Cafe)
Go there now, angels, PLEASE!
This is SUCH good news. I'm so excited!
IN FACT, because I don't currently have a girlfriend, I will PERSONALLY spend R500 on one of you. Do you like the sound of that? Me too. This is how it will work. If you think you're cute, send me a pic of YOU (don't cheat, it won't work out) in something summery and my favourite entry will be escorted on a R500 shopping visit to LALESSO! AWESOME! Let's get our bikinis on, girls!
